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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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A few years back there was an article in the Oakland Tribune which told of a
Frenchwoman who had given a talk at UC Berkeley about the importance of women
going into science. As example, the article pointed out that not only was the
speaker a successful scientist, but one of her parents was a Nobel Prize winner,
and both of one set of grandparents were Nobel Prize winners, which tells you
who Her family was . . . . The newspaper headline read something to the effect
of "Curie's ancestor says women should go into science."
-Cassiel
I'm totally sane, but then my sanity has been confirmed, repeatedly. My family
also is sane. However, the sociopathic monsters that bred me to be their
socially approved piece of meat aren't the least bit sane, and that's where my
utter lack of humanity came from, regardless of how reassuring and apparently
drop dead gorgeous I have always looked. . . .
-Cassiel
His birthday is Sunday. We're going to a fetish event. I'm going to try to get
him to wear the Birthday Princess tiara. Hee hee.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I read this: In my own defense, however, I thought I was porn, and therefore A
Good Thing.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
DAMN IT, I SHOULD HAVE EATEN THAT JONATHAN. I would be so much happier now if
I'd just eaten him. I'll have to remember not to skip the mantis phase again.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
All Canadians think Americans are cute, in their _what in the world are they
going to do now_ ways.
-Johnston Reesor
I have warm, tasty quiche, and warm, tasty guinness! And what do you all have?
I'll give you a hint: DICK! I AM MASTER OF QUICHE AND GUINNESS!!!
-Nathan Winant
That sounds like a fair trade to me. I'm rather fond of dick.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We have police. You have concierges. Silly Kanada, will you never learn?
-Nathan Winant
No, I don't think so. Since, really, everything _is_ about me, it makes no
sense for me to think about other people.
-AllonI Kramer
YOU DAMAGE MY HEAD!
-Nathan Winant
Wha? Am I being accusing of upsetting the cosmic balance and destroying all
that is holy again?
no. you are upsetting the comic balance and destroying that which is unholy. get
it straight, you dislexic misadventurer.
-AllonI 'n ghostxxx
Yeah? Yeah? Well at least I don't um what's a proper insult here I don't know
make something up kick tires!
-AllonI Kramer
So how much do I have to pay you to do the Spacepope Victory Dance wearing only
the hat and the fuzzy dice?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So far, in my English class, I have been introduced as The Guy Who Juggles,
pretended to be a master spy, and suggested in homework that a certain
advertisement was Satanically motivated. What for an encore?
-AllonI Kramer
Line from a radio commercial I just heard: "Flannel shirts - the doorknocker to
nookieland."
-AllonI Kramer
On a semi related note, the results of a survey were published a couple of days.
Finnish people, followed by Australians, have the greatest love for sex in
public. French people are last.
-Derek Bradley
Stop hijacking my thread. This is supposed to be about me, damn it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
FLAMING PHALLUS. Just sayin', is all.
-Nathan Winant
Maybe I'll frame someone for a capital crime.
-Nathan Winant
I hear the exchange rate is reeeeaaal good for anorexic nymphomaniacal goth
chicks...
-Nathan Winant
My pants cry out for justice.
Your pants cry out in vain.
-Nathan 'n AllonI
survey: Is your penis less dense than water? What about your testicles? Take a
bath and get back to me. I don't have testicles to test.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have hard to catch free-range goat.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee)."
-The Official Ninja Webpage (currently at http://www.realultimatepower.net/index4.htm)
At my high school there was a secret underground school of Ninjas run by my hand
knitted sock full of marbles called Ernie Gumpersnuggle. I could never quite
figure out how Ernie managed the school from my bedroom, or how he could really
manage anything being just a sock full of marbles. I never saw direct evidence
of the Ninja school either. It was very clever, and still slightly disturbs me.
-Derek Bradley
And STILL no one has bought the cocktail squid for me.
-Nori Essen
I have fixed myself a traditional german meal: brautwurst, saurkraut, spaetzle,
and hate.
-Nathan Winant
It really sucks to be paranoid and wired like a girl. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I officially hate my life again. I hope you're happy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Die. But I like you, so don't make it an unpleasant death.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jen! Taste Me! I'm delicious!
-Nathan Winant
I do not understand men. Men drive me crazy. I think I might really have to eat
this one.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, I have to say that women aren't exactly hammering away at the foundations
of logic and consistency either...
-Johnston Reesor (battling the sexes)
BOW before MEEEEE, worm baby! Commence your bowing! Commence it now!
-Nathan Winant
87 is a magical number. I cannot tell you why or Ernie Gumpersnuggle will get
you.
-Derek Bradley
It is also a beautiful sunny day, about mid 90s in the American temperature
parlance. I am also going to kill you all, dice you into little cubes, and feed
you to those poor starving chaps near the Volcano in central Africa. You don't
mind, do you? I'll leave Funky J alone, however, because he might buy me beer at
some stage in the future.
-Derek Bradley
Can I call you "Sarge"?
Only if you can figure a way to send 20 pushups through SMTP.
-Nathan 'n Dr. E. Von Obnox
things I learned so far this week:
Sanity is temporary; insanity is recurrent.
It is easy to bribe people with pie.
If a guy uses a monkey against you in an argument, be very very pissed off.
(I got that one down pretty immediately, by the way.)
Beef rocks.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I just heard the cat scratching at the door, and opened it. He had in his
possession a canister of pounce cat treats. A cannister I've never bought. Can
my cat shop?
-Nathan Winant
who has the brightest pants on the list?
-Johnston Reesor
I actually have a pair of pants that have been nominated for the Nobel Prize in
physics this year. They think they'll be beaten by a chemise in Switzerland,
though.
-AllonI Kramer
HEY! i just took a SHOWER!
And you SURVIVED? You are truly a great man, Nathan Winant.
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
An eerie question... What is the youngest girl a 27-year old can date without
being... wrong?
-Nathan Winant
Official Abducted Candy Of The Month: (submitted by Nori Essen)
http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html
Valentine's Day looms ominously on the horizon like some ominous, looming thing.
For a select few, it will be a day of intoxicating celebration, as Cupid fires
his sweet arrows into the hearts of those who are truly loved by those they
truly love.
But for those whom Cupid finds without a love to call his or her own, it will be
a day of trauma and grief. A day of nausea and grimacing. A day without end.
In this time of crisis, Despair is there, adding insult to injury with a
revolutionary new product. Introducing "BitterSweets(tm)," the radical new
Valentine's Day candy "for the rest of us."
Like the ubiquitous candy "conversation" hearts, "BitterSweets(tm)" are made of
flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport messages on their faces. But unlike
other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly
suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or
wishing they were.
Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being
dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.
Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your
valentine solicitations, informing you that Hunter (or Taylor) was "so totally
way hotter."
15 designs in all, including:
"I NEED SPACE, MONEY" - "TIME 2 TRADE UP" - "SEE OTHER PEOPLE" - "JUST MET THE
1" - "JUST A FRIEND" - "LUV 2 STALK U" - "WE NEED 2 TALK" and "NO SCRUBS".
Truly, "BitterSweets(tm)" are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love,
especially if that special someone is one who doesn't want to hurt your feelings
but just doesn't feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they
can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn't
appreciate them like you do, can't love them like you can, and actually takes
pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning "just friends" behind themselves as
they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of
ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.
(You know what we're talking out.)
Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.
Available in two distinct options. Multi-colored, multi-flavored hearts (tastes
like five different types of chalk!) and also in white breath mints (which taste
like a Rolaid that hugged an Altoid*).
4 ounces of candy, bagged. Shipped in a "BitterSweets(tm)" collectible aluminum
tin.
SPECIAL NOTE: Orders that include "BitterSweets(tm)" will ship the FIRST WEEK OF
FEBRUARY. We ran out of our initial supply after only 3 days because, uh,
apparently bad news travels faster than we thought.
* Not a full-on embrace or anything intimate. Just one of those
shoulder-to-shoulder hugs you get from that special someone who considers you
just a friend.
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