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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Heavens knows patriotism and objectivity have no place in the same sentence, let
alone the same mindset.
-Nori Essen
Barbara Streisand is a time anomaly. You cannot perceive her unless you were of
a certain age. Her greatness is unavailable to your reality - unless you start
doing some serious wormhole engineering.
-Derek Bradley
You lie and yo breaf stanks!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
again lending credence to the quote from an anonymous list member: "perhaps all
the hypothetical situations arise from hypothetial hotties"
-ghostxxx
For some reason... The phrase, "Ha ha ha. Hitler, you scamp!" is running
through my head over and over.
-AllonI Kramer
Yeah, MacOS X is pretty sweet. Almost makes up for all the years of hell Apple
put me through in my naive youth.
-Nathan Winant
I want to make sure all of you are not cyber figments of my poorly
interpretational mind.
-Johnston Reesor
I have two options:
1. Go mad with pain.
2. Eat more Tylenol Sinus.
It's just that... "Confessions Of An
Acetominephin-with-nasal-decongestant-combination Eater" doesn't have the same
ring as the original.
-Nori Essen
well, I found that the flay rod had gone askew on the trundle so I fixed that.
Also all the bits had collected in one corner of the case so I shook it and made
sure they were evenly distributed across the mother board. Oh yeah, I also
checked the air pressure and oil. Both were within the recommended guidelines. I
am at a loss.
-Gark Sommer (fixing his computer)
What do you recommend?
Eating their souls.
-Gark 'n AllonI
Remember. It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.
-AllonI Kramer
We meet again, Trebek! "I'll take Anal Bum Cover for 7000"
-ghostxxx
... I just have this crazy urge to stab people lately.
-Nathan Winant
Funky J was created, not born.
Yeah, he sort seemed like an artificial life form but he seemed to be having
trouble with his ports...
-Derek 'n Johnston
I wonder if funeral homes offer two for one sales?
-AllonI Kramer
I shaved my head and everyone started to call me a buddhist monk and it all
started to make sense. I'm working imaginary hours on an imaginary project for
an imaginary job for which I am paid in imaginary money. I spend most of my free
time tuned to other peoples' hallucinations of anorexic death smurfs; squelched
to the point where their cultural topography is revealed in intricate
phenomenological relief. My best hours are spent doodling in the local cafe
about the end of the world. I read the Unibomber Manifesto on a lark, and found
long tracts to harmonize deeply in the more self-assured corners of my soul. The
president has declared a de facto dictatorship of my homeland, the nation that
was formerly the crown jewel of western democracy, and I'm reading up on Russian
brides at four in the morning. There is no sense to it anymore. I'M LOSING MY
FUCKING MIND.
-Nathan Winant
I have found myself to be the "backdoor man" (ala Led Zeppelin, not Chris Rock)
for two women lately. One is a middle eastern sultry photography/anthropology
major, the other is a taiwanese who claims her boyfriend doesn't satisfy her. I
am going to get murdered by someone.
-ghostxxx
Key questions:
1. Is the taiwanese chick's boyfriend a possessive, jealous, kung-fu expert with
ties to the local tong, the Crips, the Bloods, or anime porn smugglers?
2. Has the anthropology major expressed an interest in the ancient Norse ritual
called the "blood eagle?"
3. Do the two women know about each other?
If the answers are no, no, and yes, then you're fine.
-Nori Essen
I just woke up. Woke up to FREEDOM!
-Nathan Winant
I think "Anti-Terrorism" measures should all be subject to the "Grandmother
Test": Substitute all occurrences of "suspected terrorist" with "My
grandmother", and re-read. If you wind up feeling quesy, then the measure in
question is a BAD IDEA!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
"The Case of the Yodeling Basenji." Sounds like a bad Agatha Christie.
-Nori Essen
If we are going to trade morals about sexual escapades, can we at least have it
in standard porno text story format?
-Derek Bradley
"Wacky writing" is a close summation of the Abducted List Ethos. More to the
point, I think, would be (take notes, now): "Wacky people sharing wicked
observations on a whacked world."
-Nori Essen
Uhm, I was going to ask for advice about this cute, kinda crazy unwed mother
I've been hitting it off with lately, but, uhm... I think I'll wait.
-Nathan Winant (after much acrimony re: relationships)
I am officially declaring myself an artist. Henceforth, I am no longer
accountable for anything. ANYTHING! That is all.
-Nathan Winant
i love me some alloni pie. if i could get it in a kosher version, i would sell
it to the jews.
-ghostxxx
CNN is covering Cake. The band Cake. They're apparently introducing people to
it. CNN is YOUR source for cutting-edge culture!
-Nathan Winant
The Bunny may rise to battle the Monkey.
-Johnston Reesor
Is heath ledger a beer (never heard of this before)?
-Johnston Reesor (ah, heath, we hardly knew ye)
A GERM LINT OFFENCE, I am, I am.
-Johnston Reesor
I realized your father just died and all, but it occurs to me that while you're
sitting around your house, mourning, grieving, crying, commiserating with
family, you could get off your lazy keister and FIX THE RANDOM ABDUCTED QUOTE
GENERATOR.
-Nori Essen
This flier is great, in one of those crying-clown sorta ways. Personally, I'm
all for "cyber penetration".
-Nathan Winant
It's like a giant air-cooled silicon cock!
-Nathan Winant
"Amish Titty Bar"
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
all that remains is the image of the Amish Papa bursting in with his two dumb,
burly sons, screaming "Sarah! COVER THY UDDERS!"
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I'm throwing a cricket ball over the fence. Due to certain philosophical and
quantum principles, I cannot be sure where the ball will land. Or even when So
just in case, wear a hard hat and keep a lookout for small hard red fast moving
objects. Forever.
-Derek Bradley
The cat in the box may be alive; the cat in the box may be dead. This is
quantuum uncertainty. One thing IS certain: that cat is *pissed.* And plotting a
heinous revenge.
-Nori Essen
Polterkitty!
-AllonI Kramer
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild,
like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a
wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
-Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I'm sorry. Did you survive? I hate it when I get email from dead people that
doesn't filter into my gothlist folders.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I love short-sighted regional corporate managers who assign unrealistic
workloads to the support personnel and then blame those personnel when tasks go
unfinished (according to the artificial deadlines set by people with no real
concept of how *much* time goes into completing the tasks they've assigned).
They taste JUST like chicken.
-Nori Essen
On the other hand, the best pussy is a wet pu...never mind.
-Nori Essen
Yes, boys and girls, I've met someone who might actually be as perverted as
myself.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The cat now smells delicious.
-Nathan Winant
I was typing my password into a window when I received an ICQ. It popped up
automatically like it always does, except it popped up right before I started to
type and as I turned my head to look at something. I typed the password into the
ICQ window and hit enter... and sent the word "clitoris" in an obfuscated form
to this fine cow-orker.
-ghostxxx
"Is he Canadian" meaning "Does he ALSO achieve those heights of perfection which
only Canadians may aspire to" or "Is he Canadian" meaning "He MUST be Canadian,
as only we achieve those depths of peversion you describe" ? Just curious.
-Nori Essen
If you wanted to create a device to determine if there were multiple dimensions
and realities that were intertwined with our own, what would you use?
Fish sticks. Definitely fish sticks. Fish sticks attract interdimensional
subreality monkeys.
-Johnston 'n Jennifer
Official Abducted Ironic Spam Of The Month: (Nathan Winant)
I've been getting so damn much of it lately. Today I got one that begins:
---
Internet scams, con games, illegal pyramid schemes. There are so many business
opportunities available on the internet, How do you know which one to pick?
Simple, Let us pick one for you!
---
... witty rejoinder.
Official Abducted Poll Of The Month: (AllonI Kramer)
Poll: from the following Actual Products, created last night in a marathon game
of one of those wierd Cheapass Games that we love so much (shameless plug!
shameless plug! Alloni's sold out! Stone him! Yes, stone him!), which would
you actually purchase?
- Happy Pants (slogan: "I have my Happy Pants. They're all I need.")
- The Cyber-what'stheword. Starts with an M. Medicinal? Mentholated! The
Mentholated Cyber-Cat!
- The Perforated Bulb ("Never again will your room be stuffy because of the lack
of airflow through your light bulb!")
- Addictive Zen Sushi
- Just Soap, and its companion product, Just Lotion
- The Portable Car ("We all know about the car. A large hunk of metal that sits
in our driveways. Now... we've made it portable! Self motivated! YOU CAN TAKE
IT ANYWHERE!" No one bought it, for some reason.)
- The crystal-meth chair
- The Love Shack (Cashing in on the song's popularity.)
- And last, but definitely not least, The GIGANTIC, OLD-FASHIONED, DANGEROUS,
SURPRISE, HAPPY HAT! (A cowed hush falls over the audience.)
Official Abducted Stock Reporting Service Of The Month: (submitted by FunkyJ)
this is enough to get even me interested in the stockmarket!!!
- - - - -
Naked Market Reports Offer Bottom Line
Source: REUTERS
SYDNEY (Reuters) - A Sydney-based company is offering online daily financial
market reports read by naked women.
"Oh, hi! Thanks for checking us out," say two young women after they undress
each other down to bras and suspender belt.
"You can get all the market news. Takeovers, mergers and bums," they say in
unison as they slap each others buttocks.
Market Wrap Unwrapped (www.marketwrapunwrapped.com) plans to offer 20-minute
market reports featuring naked women with names like Cindy, the "daughter of a
minister" according to her online biography, and Penthouse magazine model
Georgie.
"The U.S. stock market basically leads the world financially, and all investors
around the world want to know how the market is doing -- the Dow Jones, S&P 500,
any major stock movements and commodity prices," Market Wrap Unwrapped Managing
Director Sam Ruddock said on Tuesday.
"There is no market advice, it's just a wrap. It verges on the stockmarket/porn
industry. But it is very tame, it's only R rated," Ruddock said.
"The girls give the report and take their clothes off, down to nothing as they
go on," he said.
For the cost of a US$9.95 per month, members get not only market reports but
also lingerie voting and an online offer to meet the women.
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