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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Honestly, Mr. McCarthy, I'd LOVE to be on the Screen Actors Guild blacklist!
-Nori Essen
If you want a vision of the future: Imagine my cock stamping on a human face --
forever.
-Nathan Winant
I'm having a hard time imagining your cock. Could you provide a scan or a photo
or something?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Louie Anderson makes me quiver in fear.
-Nathan Winant
But... you said there are no secrets, so that can't be a secret, but you said
it's a secret, so it must be a secret, so it's a secret so it's not a secret so
it's a secret not secret secret not
secretsecretnotsecretnotsecretnotsnsnsnnsnsnsnsnnsnsnsnsnsnnsCORE DUMP
-AllonI Kramer
"We are the brides of Tsathaggua the terrible greasy chicken from beyondangled
space!" cried Tina. "We are the brood of dread Cthulu!"
-ghostxxx's sig
Fortune seems intrigued by the didjeridoo. And not altogether pleased.
-Nathan Winant
Tennessee has a county named Coffee. I want to live in Coffee County. No
wait, I want to live in coffee. I wonder if coffee is good for the skin.
As I seem to recall, it is a diarrhetic, so I'd imagine it's not all that good
for you skin. So what you REALLY need is new skin.
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
I'm intrigued by the didjeridoo as well. Did you that if you take one to a
rave, then the bouncers never check inside to look for little bags of weed and
little bottles of vodka?
-Derek Bradley
I like California. It is the Simpsons in real life.
-Derek Bradley
If your cat is smart enough to use your computer to manipulate you, you should
be very afraid. I suggest you declare an unofficial War On Feline Terror
immediately.
-Nathan Winant
Australia is sending a couple of regiments of SAS to help American in
Afghanistan. America declares she has no more steadfast ally than Australia. I
am getting my hair cut tomorrow morning. Coincidence?
-Derek Bradley
Do you think they will pass a bill for tax credit towards hookers?
-ghostxxx
as if there was something better to do that waste time reading email...
-ghostxxx
"It's just not shiney enough, gosh darn it, it's just not shiney enough!"
-AllonI Kramer
So "Lynn" is short for "love intrigue," isn't it?
-Nori Essen
Oh, come now. When have I not enjoyed being difficult?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Somehow, over the course of last night I twice had my boobs pressed against
someone's chest in a creepy way, and managed to get testicles of two other men
planted on my knee somehow. At least the two testicle guys were cute and one of
them was the guy I'm dating. Unix admin testicles. Mmmmmmmm. It was a weird
evening.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I think this entire WTC/war thing was an attempt to cancel the Emmys. Damn you
GW, you have succeeded! Robert Downey Jr won't get an Emmy. We promise. Jeez!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
On my drive home, the Disc Jockey quoted "We bombed them and the Emmy's are
canceled." I thought to myself, if the emmy's were a target for retaliation,
where's the big loss?
-Jason
Your email says "no" but your body says "take me now, you huge throbbing chunk
of manflesh!"
-AllonI Kramer
Is that a bottle of Windex in your pants, or a very large penis?
-Jason
My stomach is sated with VICTORY!!
-Nathan Winant
You know what? I think I'd do Paula Zahn.
-Nathan Winant
ZEIG heil, y'all...
-Nathan Winant
Why where you watching sesame street, Nathan?
I'd had fox news on in the background all morning. I was hoping for a more
sophisticated dialogue. I found it.
-Jason 'n Nathan
I see much potential here. "Where are your pants? WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS? I wanna
lick him and make him pretty!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (context? who needs context?)
I know it stands to reason and all, but windows really, really, really, really,
really, really, REALLY blows goats.
-Nathan Winant
Although there is a case to be made for an ass-kicking HMO. It's a logical
extension of the industry...
-Nathan Winant
My man is like a disposable plastic cup-- good for repeated use but I suspect
that eventually he'll just make everything taste funny.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You know what we need? Magic economy monkies.
We could keep them in a clear plastic oval container with magnifying lenses
built into the walls and eye catching red bottoms and covers.
And once a day, we'd throw in a bunch of bananas and shout "Magic economy
monkies! Do the magic economy monkey dance!" And they would dance the magic
economy monkey dance.
-AllonI 'n ghostxxx 'n AllonI
THAT's it. That was the analogy I was looking for. Good man, Trevor, you've
saved the empire.
-Nathan Winant
Poignant dilemma: Can a Love Zombie be ressurected?
-ghostxxx
Conversation being held right now: "Pardon, Miss Zahn? Some freaks from the
Internet are making plans to stalk you. Shall we terminate them with necessary
or unnecessary violence?" "Oh, unnecessary, by all means."
-AllonI Kramer
I BROKE A TELEMARKETER!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I should hook you up with my daughter. She's taken to taking those calls and
telling the telemarketers that her daddy and mommy are downstairs fighting and
she's afraid to go and get them because of what happened last time.
-Terence P. Higgins
I can do ANYTHING. Right, barbie?
-Nathan Winant
Nude For Satan anyone?
-Trevor Walton
HA! Everyone please notice ghx's lack of "Damn, I was wrong and Jennifer was
right."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I say, old bean. Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to stab
yourself in the heart? I seem to be having more of those lately.
-Nathan Winant
"Heartstabbies," I believe Bil Keane called them.
-Nathan Winant
"[ Cats - 2/17/2001 - 6:05pm ] All your cocaine are belong to us."
That explains so much.
-Jason
Microsoft office hit with anthrax letter: News outlets I can see. Microsoft, I
guess I can see. But Microsoft _licensing_? This is getting surreal. I'm
beginning to wonder if anthrax is as rare as they claim, or if there's some
giant underground cache in cupertino....
-Nathan Winant
You may now refer to me as "Roswell Rod".
-Nathan Winant
The hottie semi-other: "It's not your breasts that are evil; it's how you use
them." Yay! Points for me!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"I feel trapped because you make me want to stay and it's a Good Thing(tm)."
*boggle*
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
excuses, excuses! I just think you can't handle the truth. gnomes are too
powerful for you. begone from my presence, witchfiend!
-ghostxxx
Someone on abducted being paranoid? It is to laugh. Have I shown you the nice
potato salad in my pocket?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Derek, I'm not saying that you hate Americans. On the contrary, we are clearly
too beautiful for that. Much like beings of ascended starlight, our visage is
both gentle and terrifying, inspiring in the educated western viewer an adoring
sense of horrible awe; the kind that until recently was the sole province of
liturgical delusion. Indeed, gaze upon my elegant American nose. See how smooth,
how shapely, how powerful; see how generations of genetic inclusiveness have
created a form unyielding in either strength or elegance. Gaze upon it, dream of
it -- kiss it if you wish. It is the nose that has inspired a hundred million
dreams, and broken a continent of hearts. I know you, Derek; I know that you are
a dreamer. I know that you would wish no harm upon the noses of my people.
-Nathan Winant
i'd like to tell verio to suck my cock... ... but they'd probably fuck _that_
up, too.
-Nathan Winant
More about your sex life. Don't you know some of us are living vicariously
through you?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Eh, don't listen to my insane rants. I'm just a crazy, bitter old man.
-Nathan Winant
Wookies don't come from Endor.
-Derek Bradley
moneypenny. get on the deshk and shpread your legs.
-ghostxxx
In hebrew, my name translates to "Pale-Skinned Terrorist Of Love"
-Nathan Winant
I just did a search for naughty "pink bunny" costume on google and I got a hit
on the archives. I love you guys.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (sadly no longer true)
The problem with spam blockers is that they don't catch irony.
-AllonI Kramer
i am hallucinating again. i just saw some spiders crawl out from the palm of my
hand over my thumb. they had little race car spoilers.
-ghostxxx
You know, I just don't get it. I understand you want to psyche out your enemy
and all, but this just seems... off. You distribute fliers telling Taliban
troops to tune in to listen to american propaganda? Isn't that a lot of effort
to ask them to go to break their own morale? I mean, are they really that
starved for entertainment? Why... why wouldn't you just print the propaganda
_on_ the fliers?
-Nathan Winant
Alex Jones is breaking my heart. It's so convincing, it's so terrifying, it
makes so much, sitting there, listening to Alex Jones tell me how I and the bulk
of my species are bound for slaughter, betrayed by a handful of leaders; giving
birth to a darkened, perverted new human race. ... And then he calls Adobe
Acrobat reader a tool of the government. Oh, Alex. Oh, oh Alex....
-Nathan Winant
I was just driving down my street. It's 3:30 in the morning. People are playing
naked coed hopscotch!
-Nathan Winant
i addressed the ephemeral nature of their bodies, but he just issued a
disbelief command and we kept on talking.
-ghostxxx
Cheap shot, from someone who doesn't have the brains of a dead squirrel.
Of course I have the brains of a dead squirrel!
-AllonI 'n AllonI (flame war with self)
I bet I don't even know what I mean when I call me a troglodyte.
Of course I do! It's a monster in D&D. It's 8 feet tall, ugly, and regenerates
unless you use acid or fire on it.
-AllonI 'n AllonI (the further adventures)
Which of the two Alloni subcultures is the beastmaster?
-Johnston Reesor
Oh, now this has just turned into a cheap attempt to get into the quotes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (and it worked, too)
There's something better to do than smiting? Shirley, you jest.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Soooo... were them pictures ever posted anywhere? Not that I'm cruel enough to
want to laugh at you in your misfortune. But I need a good laugh.
-Nori Essen
See? Anywhere we go, there the Bushes are. Waiting to protect us.
-Nori Essen
"We don't understand _why_ he was executed! He was simply on a peaceful mission
to overthrow the current government. Have they no decency?"
-Nathan Winant
A friend of mine who works at radio shack spent about $20 on random stuff to
make a little black box that lights up and beeps and looks evil. It doesn't DO
anything. It just lights up and beeps and looks evil. I guess these kinds of
plans occur to you when you're young and bored and work at a Radioshack out in
the middle of the country.
-Nori Essen
Ashcofthole has the squarest head of anyone in the world.
-Eric Gustafson
According to www.humanforsale.com... I am worth exactly: $2,286,510.00.
-AllonI Kramer (now down to $2,022,110)
Official Abducted Self-Congratulatory Repost: (AllonI Kramer)
Tonight, here on Make Money Fast! we'll be getting a gander at today's
components. Contestants. We don't want to make them feel like they're
interchangeable cogs in the monetary machine, a machine designed only to delude
the audience into purchasing the products we display every chance we have, do
we? *LAUGHTER*
Tonight, our lucky contestants will be competing for this Absolutely Stunning
genuine diamond-shaped mink-colored purse, a grand prize totalling hundreds of
dollars, by doing their best to scar their opponents physically and
psychologically for life. Since none of them are you, of course, which one wins
is absolutely trivial in any sort of meaningful sense, but you can get minutes
of enjoyment from watching them jump up and down cheerily for astonishingly
little reward. They get to humiliate themselves on national television! And
you feel jealous of them! At least it isn't like the Price is Right. Have you
seen them? They dress up in absurd costumes, and carry around bags of random
paraphenalia on the chance that Monty Hall would walk up to them and say, "You!
In the pink tulle mockup of the Arc Du Triomph! Do you have, somewhere on you,
two Duracell batteries and a lead teacup? If so I'll give you - all the small
change I have on my person!"
Our first contestant, a man who people once respected but who everyone will now
recall as That Guy From The Game Show, who will probably screw up every future
chance of promotion by doing something absolutely boneheaded in plain sight of
all our viewer, is Rick Hartensford, of Piedmont, Nebraska. Hi, Rick! Nice to
have you on the show! "Nice to be here!" You lie.
Secondly, a housewife from Piedmont, Mississippi, since many of you are
housewives and we're trying to throw you a sop, Mindy Driver! Mindy, have you
been told how much your name sounds like Minnie Driver's? "Every ten minutes
for my entire life, Bob." Don't worry. Now all your friends know how much you
hate it, and they will be able to make sure to use it against you for the rest
of your days.
And thirdly, as all blessings come in threes, is Mark Wilson, a machinist from
Piedmont, Oregon. Mark, are you aware that your wife is threatening divorce if
you don't come back with at least a new car. "Yes." Do you love your wife,
Mark? "Very much." You want to make her happy, don't you? "Definitely." Bzzt!
I'm afraid that's the wrong answer. Mark loses 100 points there and goes into
the negatives. Bad luck to you there, Mark. "You bastard." -200 points and
counting.
Now the rules of the game are very simple so the mindless plebes at home can
understand them. Every time you answer a question correctly, you get points.
Every time you answer a question incorrectly, you lose points, and you get a
small electric shock to the testicles. Minnie, since you don't have testicles,
we're attaching the electrodes to your forehead instead.
"Don't call me Min*BZZT* AAAII!" Don't presume to correct me. A few more of
those and you'll lose permanent brain functioning. As it is, you will probably
only suffer a few of the symptoms of a stroke. Don't worry, you guys. You only
get the agonizing pain, plus possible permanent impotence.
Let's get started!
Since I'm in a Jeopardy mood today, we're going to go with that format, so we
have to think for ourselves as little as possible. However, to be New and
Exciting, you must answer every question in the form of - AN ANSWER!
Wow! See how much time we spend thinking this stuff up? Rick, since thus far
you have yet to annoy me, you will get to go first. The categories are:
Rocket science
Five-dimensional mathematical proofs
Embarrassing intestinal noises
Owattanassayam
Things you thought no one knew about your past, which you had prayed would never
come out into the open
and last, but not least, the ever-popular Things you will never get right
Rick? "I'll take, um, Owattanassayam." You most certainly are, Rick.
*LAUGHTER*. Because I'm feeling generous, I won't zap you this time. Be more
careful. "Why? I only picked a *BZZZZZT* AAAAAAAAIIIIII!" You weren't careful
enough, Rick!
Minnie? "We're all doomed, aren't we?" That's absolutely correct! 100 points
to Minnie. Care to make another selection? "I guess I'll go for Embarrassing
intestinal noises." FFFfFFFFFBBBRRRAAAAPPPPRRTTT? "What is the sound that I
probably make late at night when I'm fast asleep that you crept into my house
specifically to record just to embarrass me in front of the entire population of
the country?" Oh, I'm sorry, Minnie. That was correct, but you phrased it in
the form of a question.
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZT* "Y-you b-b-b-bastard." And proud of it. Back down to nothing
for Minnie, which keeps her in the lead.
Mark? "I guess I'll take Rocket science." What is the chemical formula for the
plating that covers the outside of the space shuttle to protect it from reentry
heat? "I have absolutely no idea." Come ON Mark! It's not Rocket science!
Well, I guess it is Rocket science. *LAUGHTER* You lose another hundred points,
and any chance of fathering that child you and your wife always wanted.
*BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* "IAIAIAIIIAHAH ARGLE ARGA
AIAIAIAIIIIIIIIII!"
Which makes it your turn, Rick. "Since it's the best choice left, I'll take 5-d
mathematical proofs." Your question is: Can you do a Five dimensional
mathematical proof? "Um... no?" Is the correct answer!
"Great!" You get to pick again! "I am so screwed." Yes, you are, Rick.
Yes, you are. "I'm going to take Things you will never get right." I'm
thinking of a number. What is it? "Twelve?" WRONG!
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* Look at him squirm. He's so cute.
And now, finally, since none of you chose it, the final category, Things you
thought no one knew about your past, which you had prayed would never come out
into the open, becomes our Final Question! Yes the Final Question, which all of
you must answer. You'll have thirty seconds.
Your question is: What is your darkest, most hideous secret, the thing you had
prayed would never become common knowledge? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee, dee
dee dee dee DEE deedeedeedeedee dee dee dee dee you get the idea.
Time's up!
Rick, you get to answer first. "Goody." What is your answer, Rick? "I, um, I
still wet my bed." WRONG! *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* That's pretty
embarrassing, Rick, but you and I both know that your deepest-held secret was
the time you knocked your secretary out with Roofies, took advantage of her, and
then fired her for getting pregnant. She was never aware that you were the
father, Rick, but she knows now! You lose 500 points, and probably every chance
of living a normal life.
Minnie? "I- I- I-" Come on, Minnie. You can do it. We have faith in you.
"I-I-I-I-" Time's up! Little Minnie, here, pays the neighborhood children to
have sex with her! Minnie, return to the shattered wreckage of your meaningless
existance. "Y-Y-Y-you're n-n-not g-g-gonna z-z-z-z-zap m-me ag-ag-again?" Any
more and you wouldn't be in any condition to appreciate the horrors of your life
now.
And, finally, Mark, it's to you. "I have to, right?" You have to. "I, I
killed a kid, once. Hit him with my car. I covered it up, and nobody knew a
thing. I'm an important man, or was, before this. Now, I'm probably going to
jail." THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, MARK! MARK IS OUR NEW CHAMPION!
I was feeling a bit cynical. I feel better now.
Official Abducted Disturbing Children's Show Of The Month: (found by Nathan Winant)
From sesame street...
I shit you not...
"Let's do the... Monster Pants Dance!"
"Just do what I do... Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Monster Pants Dance!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Monster Pants Dance!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Monster Pants Dance!"
"Jump, Wiggle, Jump!"
"Monster Pants Dance!"
"... I don't know about you, but *I'm* panting!"
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