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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Tell me a story about a giant pig!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Um, why did Ice T. just yell 'Calculus?'"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Which reminds me. I acquired an asian love slave while in Philadelphia this past
weekend. Only problem with having an asian love slave is that an hour later
you're hungry for another one.
-Nori Essen
It has come. I was sitting around, and my mother said something, and I thought
about responding wittily but felt too lazy to do so. Yes, it has finally come.
The day that I was too lazy to make a smart-assed remark.
-AllonI Kramer
Okay, I'm forced to comment on this. How, exactly, does the comment "Ow. Pain."
cause you to think of asian love slaves?
-AllonI Kramer
I don't think the words strangely arousing apply to Jamie Lee Curtis.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (slightly out of context)
No science, no wandafish. Simple as that.
-Nathan Winant
Nathan's the Pope? That would make me convert.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's the 'Find Your AllonI' Contest...
Rules:
- Find an Alloni or an Alloni look-a-like.
- Stalk your Alloni until you get a restraining order that reads
"(He/She) never stopped calling me Alloni"
- Void in Montana.
-Jason (it's self-indulgent, I know, but i'm allowed)
That's creepy. He sorta reminds me of alloni in a similar-but-not-quite way....
"I carry a lighter. I don't smoke, I just like certain songs."
vs.
"I carry a lighter. I don't smoke, I just LIKE FIRE."
-Nathan Winant
anyhow, i find it very intersting that you can have a completely naked,
chocolate skinned 20 year old, african american beauty queen sitting on your
lap and converse with her about everything from philosophy to getting freaky in
foreign places, then in a blink of an eye, she has her booty on your face. i
love the world. computers be damned.
-ghostxxx
Who, me? Unearth old, dead threads?
-Nori Essen (i win!)
You have you buy some Meiji Hello Panda Chocolate Cookies.
-Jason
Attention, monkey-lovers: Monkey, monkey, monkey.
-Terri
Phooey on them terrorists. I LIKE my denial and they aren't gonna stop me!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (what? too soon?)
If our government is so blind, why does it seem so confidant in the answers it's
jumped to so soon?
-Nathan Winant
I'd say more but I'm reaching overload on the subject. Fuses popping! About to
bl
-Nori Essen
the coworker in the next cubicle is having an earnest conversation about
medications to treat AD&D. Should I tell her the third edition rules are out, so
she doesnt' need to worry anymore..?
-Nori Essen
If I had a twat, I would wrap it around his fat head. Can I borrow someone's?
-ghostxxx
Hey, now. What makes a twat the ideal body part with which to insult the
president?? The man would probably pay good money for a facial twat encounter.
T-bag him! T-bag him!
-Nori Essen
It is at times like this, in the dark late hours of the night, with screeches of
victory mixed in equal measure with lizard mercy killings, equating words with
will with power with mystick essence and corporate demagoguery and strange
symbols that I somehow can't quite explain scribbled across sacred soul pages,
and visions of mojo nixon and AK-47's dancing through my heaD, dollars signs
rolling by eyes tainted with megalomaniacal owl-worship ritual, antique revolver
questions, music thumping, the love of Christ a mere foot above prophetic
skin-ink commitment, and a face curdled by both psychotic love and, yes, bitter
bottled kiss, that I realize that my head is, technically, a little bit in the
clouds.
-Nathan Winant
The problem with books is that you can know the whole story.
-AllonI Kramer
HAPPY MUTHA-FUCKIN' ROSH HASHANA!!!!! =)
-Nathan Winant
ahem
MOTHERF$SKCINGPEICEOFOOKINSHIIIIITEEFUCKINGMICROSOFT)i@^$)!^)*$^)(#@^&*@!%^!!!
that is all.
-Khanh Nguyen
I promised myself that today I was Actually Gonna Get Stuff Done. So I get
here, and the first thing I do.... Is write email to you.
-AllonI Kramer
I'll type louder for you. WENT TO A TMBG CONCERT LAST NIGHT. PIMPING THEIR NEW
ALBUM. I'VE GONE DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR. And now, reversed, so you can read the
hidden messages! REA THGIR YM NI FEAD FEED MY AWESOME HUNGER FOR SOULS GNIPMIP.
THGIN TSAL TRECNOC KILL YOU ALL TNEW.
-AllonI Kramer
don't be rude. just because i am handicapped doesn't mean i have no feelings.
I'm sorry. I'll try to have more regard for your feelings in the future.
<pause> Hey, does this hurt, cripple-boy? *poke poke poke*.
-ghostxxx 'n AllonI
Oh Jesus loves you,
Oh yes he do.
Oh Jesus loves you,
Because you're easy.
Oh Jesus knows that
You're only two dollars,
But if he wants the special,
It'll cost him four.
-AllonI Kramer
Funny how everything is funnier when it involves religion. Look at the
difference between these:
- I went down to the corner store and picked up a carton of Camels.
- I went down to the corner store, picked up a carton of Camels, and dropped a
pack of cigs in the Salvation Army donation box sitting there, 'cause I bet some
of those kids are jonesing for a cig right around now.
- Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow.
- Mary had a little lamb, and she killed it and smeared the blood on her door to
make sure the slayer of the firstborn passed by her house.
- I need an aspirin.
- I need an aspirin - for Jesus!
-AllonI Kramer
Find your inner child. Cut his head off. Seek the Bhuddist Rat God of Harmony.
Offer it Sanctimoniousness. Eat the Green Egg. You will be fine.
-Derek Bradley
You BITCH! You got a prescription for crack?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
squelch the little weasel
crush him before he spawns
break it to me gently
but with merriment and song
-ghostxxx
there is no drobnox key. drobnox is controlled by means of a foot pedal.
a surgical implant is in the works.
-Eric Gustafson
You is nobbing two ladies with one Johnny.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (dunno what it means, but it sounds dirty)
I just realized! I was sitting here, and my wrist is starting to make achy achy
feelings. So I started bending it around, stretch it out, that sorta thing. And
I discovered that the most natural position for me to stretch it in... looks an
awful lot like the Nazi salute. We've had it wrong all this time! They weren't
saluting him! They were simply doing wrist exercises! We must immediately
apologize to the German government.
-AllonI Kramer
Remember: everyone needs to get down on their knees and thank the gods that
CELINE DION HASN'T RELEASED A SONG ABOUT THE WTC DIASTER. Whitney Houston I can
take. Celine I can't.
-Nori Essen
As a Canadian, I do so sincerely apologize for Celine's existence...
-Johnston Reesor
Uhm, how is the red cross responsible for celine dion?
-Nathan Winant
public access. It is avbsolutely the best stuff on television. It is without
equal. Quotes tonight from the host of _Semantic Live_:
"Yes caller, as we have established, the problem is my hair."
"Sir, sir... We're talking about the World Trade Center bombing. Sasquatch has
nothing to do with this."
"There's no weapons on the Space Council, duuuh..."
"You can be better than my sidekick. You can be my equalkick."
-Nathan Winant
Whatever happened to the-man.org?
It went away long ago, Trevorishly disused, only to be stolen by -- who else --
the germans.
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
OK, now I really have an issue with someone who wrote a virus to select to
infect people who aren't for blowing people up for their religion. What redneck
idiot managed to get virus code and devise social engineering to select for
this?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Is the list dead, or am I?
-Terri Sheets
Harmless frat antics or New World Order Moloch worship? You be the judge. But
beware! It involves the secret service, pagan idolatry, ritual sacrifice... and
gay sunbathing. Yes, it's a little slice of Jennifer heaven at... BOHEMIAN
GROVE.
-Nathan Winant
It's COALITION BUILDING time, Jennifer -- Get With The Pogrom! Program! Get With
The Program!
-Nathan Winant
To understand the repressive nature of their understanding of women's right's
you first have to understand their repression of understood thoughts and ideas.
-Jason (bush parodying)
It was on the back of the Seven of Dimes Steve Guttenberg handed me during a
paint-thinner induced hallucination.
-Jason
It amazes me that the one thing he criticized the taliban for -- in front of the
japanese -- was their treatment of women. Our president needs new programmers.
-Nathan Winant
GW hasn't taken a stand on ass slapping yet.
-Chris Wayne
I planted big pots of dipladenia and hybiscus in front of our garbage trees.
Just finished running wax string from the pots to the trees for the dipladenia
to run on. Church of the Latter Day Saints came by. Wanted to know why I was
stringing up my dipladenia to the trees. I told them "to train them". They asked
"do you go to church". I said "naw.. harsh words usually works, whips and chains
if it doesn't". They left without leaving me a card.
-Chris Wayne
"Alloni M, You. Will. Get. Certified." That was the title of the email I just
got. Periods as included. It sounds so... dictatorial.
-AllonI Kramer
It's time to take painkillers, put in the Invader Zim tape, and climb into bed.
Yes, boys and girls, I am officially unemployed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So, for the past few months I've been in a state of quantum employment.
-Nathan Winant
Internet Porn: Should I, or Shouldn't I?
-Nathan Winant
when i was out of work, i almost took a job as a fluffer...
-ghostxxx
Nathan. Sheep. Whipped cream.
-ghostxxx
The ones I've met online are kitty o'nine tails, miss_justine, bettie rage,
Unchained Malady, delilahdewilde, and joi. I mean.. come ON. They've got great
gothporn names and EVERYTHING.
-Nori Essen
Oh my lord. Hans is gonna freak. There's vinyl nun pron on the intro page!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have a picture that resembles a pair of christmas hams on glass :)
-ghostxxx (re: someone's body part scans)
You notice interesting things, just driving around. Saw a place. "The Church
of the Living Rock". Are they stone worshippers? Gaia worshippers? Music
worshippers?
-AllonI Kramer
Yeah, <inc='randomInsult?mother&slut'>.
-Jason
Abducted: A Nation Mobilizes For Porn
I parsed this as: Abducted: A Nathan Mobilizes For Port.
-Nathan 'n Michael
geek lust: The lights were out and the screensaver on. The laser drew red
spirographs that grew blurry and multi-colored as endorphine receptors
triggered. I was wearing an op-art dress and clutching a gorgeous married unix
sysadmin whose main defect was Canadian citizenship. He leaned over, put on his
sexy voice, and whispered in my ear "Device drivers." So I bit him.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted Field Trip: (Nathan Winant)
Fry's Electronics just opened in austin. Just opened, like, yesterday.
So I decided to introduce Amy.
It's located right next to kmart, which is actually kind of appropriate. We
stood outside for a few minutes for a cigarette. Amy commented, "I don't want to
keep you -- I know you're eager to go in." My gaze turned cold, as I muttered,
"You ever see the beginning of Apocalypse Now? I don't want to go back, Amy... I
have to."
The theme, I guess, is based on "live music capital of the world" or something,
because the entrance is a giant grand piano. The interior walls are lined with
neon musical notes, and at the very center, at the heart of the beast lies an
actual piano with a sad, sad man playing away.
We wandered around.
"I don't see why you hate this place so much, Nathan. It seems fine."
"Saigon seems like a beautiful city for the first few days..."
I showed her the employees. We didn't encounter any notably ignorant ones, but
that will change in a month or two. I didn't introduce her to any of the
salespeople, they were more than happy to do that for me...
"Do you know about our guaranteed price program?"
"Er... Yeeees. Yes, I do."
"Do you... really?"
"Yes. Yes, I do. RUN, AMY!"
We wandered around for a while until Amy began to break down.
"No more! Walls... closing in! Crowds! Must... breathe!"
I looked at her sadly. "No, no yet. You haven't seen... enough..."
I showed her the mini cafe with the $.25 hotdog 'n' coke special.
I showed her the vast collection of top 40 cd's.
I showed her the lemur cage, where dehumanized beasts have sacrificed their
freedom for the privilege of passing out cut-rate memory chips.
I showed her the line to the register. I showed her the Xtreme Bold BBQ Doritos,
the beef jerky, the astronaut ice cream, the dimestore pharmaceuticals, the the
lukewarm sodas, the pulp paperbacks, the copies of GQ and Redbook, and the DVD
cleaners that lined the checkout aisle. Just as we were getting close to the
registers a korean man began barking orders at us.
"You checking out?"
"Uh... yeah."
"You go down that hall!"
I looked down the hall. All I could see was uniformed security guard.
"No, we, uh, we just want to buy these things."
"You go down that hall!"
The security guard looked back at me, expectantly.
"(Amy, I think they're going to shoot us.)"
"You go down that hall!"
We gathered up our earthly possessions, and began the long trek.
"(Amy, if they hand you a shovel... RUN!)"
It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. Apparently this Fry's has a second, secret
checkout line. I looked at the security guard.
"Go to #54."
We looked to see a lone hand in a crowd of people waving a little "54" sign.
Amy looked at me.
"Is that... Is that a cashier?"
"Don't comment on the sign, Amy. It's all they've got."
We wandered down, and listened to the cashier chatting with the girl next to
her.
"That light, girl? That was sunshine."
I looked at her increduously.
"It's... It's seven o'clock!"
"Oh, we ain't seen the sun today. We been here since the morning. Training."
Amy shuddered.
We bought Xtreme Bold BBQ Doritos. We bought beef jerky. We bought astronaut ice
cream. We bought a series of classical cd's (Shubert, Tchaikovsky, Debussy,
Strauss, Chopin, Dvorak, Bach, Brahms) -- At $1.99 a pop, on sale for $.89 each,
they were collectively cheaper than the Moulin Rouge soundtrack that we also
bought. Much, much cheaper.
We took advantage of the festering crowds by the door to duck around the door
nazi. I explained the realities of Fry's to Amy on the way out.
"So... they abuse their employees so badly that the only way they can trust
them... is by abusing us?"
"You have learned well."
And so, sackful of consumer culture in hand, Amy twitching violently by my side,
we made our escape.
"Oh my GOD. I'm never coming back here again. EVER."
"Oh, you'll be back, child... You'll be back."
Official Abducted News Story Of The Month: (Submitted by Nathan Winant)
ARKANSAS CITY, AR, USA (EAP) --
A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's
sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of
eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up
resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently
convinced that the 'rapture' was occurring when she saw twelve people floating
up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the
road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the
sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of
28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She
thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift
her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the strangest thing I've seen
since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, the first officer on the
scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he
was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp
covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex
dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that
he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in
frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him,
and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as
they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more
than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all
just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
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