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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Today's word: cocktusion.
-Nathan Winant
Wow... I'm looking at, like, 2-4 months in the future. Weird. For the first time
in my life I have a long-term plan.
-Nathan Winant
See, I'd be worried about all the drunken drowning. And pirates. And
manhood-eating barracuda. But seasickness is pretty bad too, I guess.
-Nathan Winant
I dunno. Somehow the idea of Sexy Pirates is scarier than just everyday,
run-of-the-mill pirates. I mean, Sexy Pirates would probably make you "strut the
plank" or something, and I just don't what to know what that entails. And then
you've got to "groom the parrot" and "clean one-eyed pete's socket" and all
that, and it just sounds like more trouble than it's worth. I mean, if I wanted
to be all glam like that, I'd just get myself hooked on smack and be done with
it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Note to self: Vomit = Power.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The best part of the movie? THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE? All right. I'll accept
that the movie is a shameless abortion. BUT TO CLAIM THAT THAT ENDING IS THE
BEST PART OF THE MOVIE IS LIKE CLAIMING THAT THE NAZIS WEREN'T BAD BECAUSE THEY
DIDN'T KILL PUPPIES. Sorry. A little perturbed.
-Alloni Kramer (re: the new Planet Of The Apes)
It's sad that 99.9% of the sensitive delight in my life comes from spam.
-Nori Essen
Potato or tortilla? Where can I recruit this nachoian master race?
-Nathan Winant
I'm currently struggling with the gnomes. I've been in Perth the last week an I
am seeing their influence everywhere. I need to come back more often - there
ways are persuasive.
-Derek Bradley
That, I think, is one of the greatest practical jokes ever played on this God
person. Be a Jehovah's Witness! Raise a pervert!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Heh, Mormon porn star. That's too funny. I can see it now... Dorky (but secretly
ripped, and hung beneath their mormon dork-boy outfits), repressed,
sexually-frustrated, guys in suits with nametags, riding around on bicycles
spreading the word. They happen upon the doorstep of a rather scantily clad
(*short* cut-offs, sporting prominent camel-toe action, tight tank-top, no bra),
housewife who's been outside working in the garden or some such (glistening
beads of sweat running down her chest between ample cleavage). "Oh, you guys
must be so hot in those suits. Would you like to come in for some refreshing
lemonade?" <they enter, sip lemonade, stare at cleavage> "So tell me boys, what
was it Jesus said about doing unto others?" ...
-Trevor Walton
Religion AND hypocrisy? Heaven forfend!
-Nathan Winant
Jesus had days like this, hounded and pursued like a criminal.
-Derek Bradley
attention aussie people! How would I speak to an aborigine?
I am not australian, but i imagine you could speak to them with your mouth.
-Nathan 'n ghostxxx
Result : We can use chaos magic to run a lumber business.
-Derek Bradley (does the leadup really matter?)
I need to find an abo or two to havbe a chat with. They got some 'splainin to
do...
-Nathan Winant
Some day. I will do the quotes. It may take a while, however.
-Alloni Kramer (see! i'm doing them! better late than never!)
I am so tired of getting viagra spam. I so do not need viagra.
What do you need? Zyban? Benzodiazapine? D-Lysergic Acid Diethylamide? Butane?
Ginger?
-Jennifer 'n Derek
"Fact is, rectal stimulation hasn't improved or even changed significantly since
the civil war. Almost thirty years since man landed on the moon, we can put
color TV's in our pockets, desktop computers are reaching staggering
capabilities, and yet the butt-plug is the same old butt-plug. That is, until
now..."
-submitted by Jennifer Lynn Larkin from http://www.rectaltronics.com/
Bill Gates does the macarena of PAIN!
-Nathan Winant
You are right, I couldn't find here if I was here already. But, I could find you
over there, I would use my extra-quality gold-label ultra there detector 4000RX8
with the option there detecto-analysie attachments. Then you'd be sorry. I'd
stuff you full of dark ale, wrap you up in the Union Jack, and send you to
Ulster.
-Derek Bradley (what does it mean?)
That wasn't you. You only think that was you because it was your clone! Yes,
that's right... you have a clone! (Something, about something scary. more
filler, remarks about Alloni, rumors about Nathan being gay, blah
blah blah) But she, your clone, dresses as funny as you do. More funny. Bear
riding a bicycle funny. (yeah, that was good.) (Why are you talking to
yourself? I don't know. I guess I'll stop now.)
-Jason
You couldn't find here if you had a super here detector 3000i. With the
optional how to find here GPS here tracking system. Ha.
-Jason
"Separate from incompatibles." I think that's advice we should apply to every
aspect of our lives.
-Nori Essen
Where does the saying "So long..." come from?
Comparing penis sizes.
-ghostxxx 'n AllonI
Not yet. You will find yourself still burdened with thoughts. These must also
stop for you to be truly safe. In 2003 We are releasing Windows LB. The LB
stands for Lobotomy, a painless procedure that relieves you of all of stress and
anxiety that living in Today's world can produce. Remember, as one of the great
unwashed, you cannot really understand the complexities of life, or even what is
truly good for you. And nor should you have to. Leave the thinking to Us, and
then you will be truly free. The Dialectic demands sacrifices of us all.
-Derek Bradley
We got good grammer to skills that we write. You complaining why?
-Derek Bradley
Are you trying to tell me that the file she sent... was a virus? Great horny
toads! What ever shall I do! If only I wasn't using Unix! My system woudl be
safe if only I wasn't using Unix!
-AllonI Kramer
Don't you mean "There's nothing quite like being tied up with virtual rope and
virtually spanked virtually within an inch of my life?"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
you act like someone -wants- to go to Canadia.
-ghostxxx
We have the best beaver and sushi...
-Johnston Reesor (canadia uber alles)
Beaver still coming, greater complexity in beaver rhetoric...
-Johnston Reesor
San Francisco, so we can eat hundred-dollar sushi off the flesh of beautiful
naked women. Los Angeles, so we can eat thousand-dollar sushi off the naked
flesh of Nicole Kidman. Tijuana, so we can eat dollar sushi off the backs of
peasant farmworkers, laughing all the while to the hospital.
-Nathan Winant (abducted field trip planning)
"We know that insect repellent, in addition to this previous study, will keep
mosquitoes away." Wow! A study that repels insects! I need a copy of that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Tonight at nine: Is your vehicle getting the mileage you were promised? [Man
standing in front of giant dually truck, quaking with rage]: "I'm getting nine
to twelve miles to the gallon. I'm supposed to be getting... sixteen to
thirteen." Fox 7 News investigates! ... It's enough to move a man to tears.
-Nathan Winant
Just a reminder. Nothing's so dangerous as... a clown gone bad.
-Nathan Winant (this is the month 'o nathan, apparently)
But we hold the plug. Nobody fucks with their plug holder. You ever fuck with
your plug holder?
-Chris Wayne
How would I speak to an aborigine?
Just go find one at the death camps. Did I say death camps? I meant happy camps.
-Nathan 'n Chris
Nope, just my own natural allonizing.
I'm a verb!
-Chris 'n AllonI
Alloni, I have it on authority - good authority - that your nose is "like a
god's nose," not to mention "The sexiest nose in the world." So you might try
looking to Mount Olympus.
-Nori Essen
I actually met Chubby Checker when I was maybe 10 or 11. He yelled at my uncle
for disturbing him. I thought then, as I do now, that he should have been
grateful that anyone remembered who he was.
-Chris Wayne
I love how Derek writes to us from the future. That's how I know whether or not
the world will be destroyed tomorrow. He's our canary in the land.. er, gold
mine.
-Nori Essen
Girl Scouts are 100% Girl Scout.
Girl scouts are at least 200% girl scout. Cause they're plural, see? And so you
have 100% for each-- oh nevermind.
-ghostxxx 'n Jennifer
"Butterflies float from the mouths of Amish suicides." There is a certain
inherent beauty to that statement.
-Chris Wayne
I just found myself explaining to Fortune Cat that I'm not very interesting
during the day because it's what I have to do to keep all the food magically
coming in. And then it dawned on me: that's actually a pretty accurate
assessment. I make food magically appear by sitting on my ass. My ass is
magical.
-Nathan Winant
My paranoid schizophrenic was telling me the other day that he lost his ID and
needed a new one. However, by a magical combination of his low level of
education, accent, somewhat slurred speech, and mild mental retardation, he said
that he needed a new "defecation card". It is my considered opinion that
laughing at him directly to his face rather than behind his back was valuable
therapy for his paranoia.
-Chris Wayne
You have your own personal paranoid schizophrenic? I just get plastic rings in
*my* cereal boxes.
-Nori Essen
Oh yeah. I also have an autistic, a hypochrondriac, and a moderately retarded
stubborn old man (N.O.S). Collect 'em all!
-Chris Wayne
How can you say that Nazism isn't base ten? Why do you think there are so few
people with eleven or more fingers anywhere in Europe?
-Chris Wayne
Oh, sure. Blame the Jews. We're used to it. Long as you don't embark on a
brutal reign of terror against us, we'll manage.
-AllonI Kramer
And how DID your little bondage session turn out, anyway? Come on. Don't hold
back. God knows no one else does. (Except maybe Derek. But he's married for
god's sake.)
-Nori Essen
Goodbye forever, abducted! i'M LEAVING YOU FOR wIL wHEATON'S MESSAGEBOARD!!!!
-Nathan Winant
Proverb-ial: of or related to a proverb
Preverb-ial: of or related to a preverb
Pre-verb: an early form of verb or proto-verb
Proto-verb: the verb which comes before all other verbs; the ur-verb
UR!
-Nori Essen
So today I'm going to be doing some work for a client. Seems like a good guy,
genuinely likeable. The job is straightforward enough. On the other hand, this
morning I had a dream that he would use this, and future jobs to befriend me and
bring me into an organization built around terrible, forbidden knowledge that
would ultimately drive me past the brink of gibbering madness. I'm pretty cool
with the whole thing, up to the gibbering madness bit. Any thoughts?
-Nathan Winant
Only love can defeat Alloni. Carebear friend's, unite!
Slander! Many things can defeat Alloni.
-ghostxxx 'n AllonI
"aah, there is nothing like the sweet smell of a domesticated woman. and I mean
that is the most respectful way."
-submitted by ghostxxx from Brisco County, Jr.
An old man was trying to cross the road. His vision was dim and his mind was
gone. He know roads were dangerous, he knew cars were dangerous, but he did not
know how to link the two concepts. He stepped out onto the road. He crossed the
road. He went into the computer store and bought Quake III for his grandson. Let
this be a lesson to you.
-Derek Bradley
it's raining men! minus the men. it's just raining. sorry.
-Nathan Winant
You're not going to steal my skin THAT easily, easyskinstealer!
-Nathan Winant
Damn. I dunno what's worse. When someone sends such a link without a warning, or
when they send it *with* a warning. Now I just *have* to know what it is, but
I'm afraid to click it...
-Trevor Walton
Now I feel lucky. IT only took four months to get my phone company to stop
billing me for AOL service. It took much longer to get the long distance monkey
off my back. I think Kafka wrote our most recent phone script (mid-August):
(me) Why are you still billing me for this account? I closed it months ago.
(MCI) We never received cancellation notice from your phone company.
(me) But I called you and cancelled directly with MCI. I don't even have this
number any more.
(MCI) I see that. *pause* I can't cancel this service without notice from your
phone company.
(me) Please stop billing me. It's not my fault that my phone company didn't
contact you.
(MCI) *pause* Would you like a credit to appear on your next statement?
(me)no, thanks. gregor klegane & I will join you in The Castle shortly.
fondly, your roach.
-Nori Essen
The average length of the German penis is 125 centimeters? Truly, they must be
the master race.
-Chris Wayne
A quote from this morning's dream "Nipples. They're not just for cattle
anymore." In other news, I could swear my teeth are straighter this morning.
They felt wierd when I was brushing them. I must have been such a good little
boy to merit a visit from the Orthodontia Fairy.
-Chris Wayne
A hawk threw a woodchuck at me the other day. In truth, it was flying low over
the road as I was driving by and got startled enough to drop its meal as it
swooped out of my path. But, still, I can't help but take it as a bad omen.
-Chris Wayne
I am an antonym. I'm not sure what I'm an antonym *of* but I am positive that
I'm an antonym.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted Crisis Of Faith: (Nathan Winant)
I just put in some laundry, when I noticed the latest issue of "Awake".
Awake is a little pamphlet put out by the Jehovah's Witnesses, like the
WatchTower. Someone -- a neighbor, I suppose, I know not who -- makes it their
business to make sure the latest copy is always prominently displayed in the
laundry room. At first I was annoyed. Then I was intrigued, and skimmed through
an issue or two. Then I took more philosophical view, and spent a few months
defacing the covers with Satanic imagery. But now I've just gotten jaded --
they're all the same. The cover almost always shows an Ethnically Diverse
Everyday Individual moodlit and clearly in deep contemplation of the profound,
accompanied by a caption like "Why Is There War?" or "Why Must We Suffer So?" or
"Hatred -- Does It Have A Place In God's Kingdom?".
If you read the story, it's always the same: yes, things suck now, and God isn't
thrilled with it, but he loves you, and just hang on because soon His Kingdom
will Come Again, and unlike all those other delusional so-called Christian
faiths WE know that means he'll create an Earthly Paradise where men and women
of all colors and languages and cultures are free to politely commingle with one
another and to wear their culturally traditional version of pastel angora
sweaters and to, for some reason, picnic with tigers.
In short, the moral seems to be: just hang on and listen to the bible and be
good, and before you know it, we'll all be happy suburbanites. With pet tigers.
It's a powerful message, and one that seems to resonate, I've noticed, with the
lower-middle class... You know, unestablished, but not quite Catholic in their
resignation to poverty. For all its shamelessly inclusive materialism, I've
developed a certain fondness for the faith. They don't care about eternal bliss,
they just want a Sunday ride in the country. And who can blame them?
Believe in God, and get a raise. And a pet tiger.
It's not a bad deal.
So anyway, as I was in the laundry room I glanced over at the cover of the
latest issue. And then something strange happened, something that had never
happened before: a copy of Awake blew my mind.
There was a picture of a dark-skinned man, woman, and child, standing in front
of a train, with the title:
"Help! We Are Aliens!"
As I stared at it, desperately trying to comprehend, my mind swam in a sea of
possibilities:
- The Jehovah's Witnesses have become existentialists.
- The Jehovah's Witnesses have become Germans.
- The Jehovah's Witnesses have converted to Scientology.
- The Jehovah's Witnesses have finally come clean with us.
- The Jehovah's Witnesses have finally figured out the truth.
It was a long, long time before I figured out that they were talking about
immigrants.
And then I fled.
(and the followup:)
I just went back into the laundry room to change my clothes into the drier. The
issue was still there. I opened it up. The title of the article was:
"Aliens:
A Global Problem"
... I put it back down.
Official Abducted Short Story Of The Month: (Nathan Winant)
once upon a time there was a monkey. who was a monkey. who was a gazelle. who
was green. oh, and also a lizard.
one day the lizard decided to walk down the street.
"say, what a lovely day it is!" the lizard said, "thank heavens I'm not in
Europe!"
The band struck an ominous chord, to which the lizard was oblivious.
The lizard wandered on down the street, savoring the fairly temperate atmosphere
and old-town charm of the old town he was in.
"I must say," remarked the lizard, "if I didn't know better, I'd say I was in
San Diego."
"OLD TOWN San Diego," he added with a wink.
Do lizards have friends? I suppose they do. What kind of friends would they
have? Funny friends? Naughty friends? Dare I say... non-lizard friends?
It was at about this time that the lizard stumbled across a friend of his,
Pierre, the alcoholic burnt-out poet.
"Hello, Pierre, how goes it?" piped up the lizard.
"Sacre bleu!" moaned Pierre, "mon dieu, c'est is terrib-lay! My life, she is an
endless hellscape of the obscene!" And then Pierre drank his sixth glass of wine
that morning. Pierre was too poor to drink any faster than that.
"Oh Pierre, you so crazy!" laughed the lizard. "Sometimes you make me want to
cry with existential laughter."
"That is exactly it!" cried Pierre, "I am a cosmic clown! A buffoon!" And back
he went to contemplating suicide.
The lizard walked on, and thought to himself, Boy, I sure was happy to see
Pierre. He always lifts my spirits. And thank heavens I'm not in Europe.
"And how would you know that?" asked a woman.
The lizard gasped! "I wasn't saying that with my mouth -- I was saying it in my
brain! My lizard brain!"
"I know," replied raven-haired, black-clad beauty. "I know many things about
you. But what do you know, little lizard?"
"I know that it's a beautiful day, sort of. And I know that my friend Pierre is
never gonna get up the guts to go through with it, 'cuz he craves the imagined
attention suicide affords him far more than any release it could possibly
provide. And I know that I'm not in Europe."
"Do you now? I suspect you do not know as much as you would like to think." she
replied tartly.
The lizard glared at the woman, but already doubts were beginning to form in his
mind. Terrible thoughts. Horrible, inconceivable thoughts.
"Nooooooo," cried the lizard, and ran back to the cafe.
"Pierre, Pierre! Are you dead?" the little lizard exclaimed.
Pierre gazed sadly back at the lizard through red-stained glass. "Yes, my petite
friend. My soul died long ago, taken by a woman named... Carnita!"
"Uh... Oh." replied the lizard. "Well then, I... guess everything's okay.
And stop referring to me with an e."
His fears unfounded, the lizard wandered along the street. Then suddenly, he
heard a voice.
"And what did you learn, little lizard?"
"I learned that you're kind of a bitch," the lizard retorted, "and that my
friend is still alive, such as life is for him."
"Ah, but perhaps there is one thing you overlook... Europe."
The lizard was perplexed by this. "Yeah, that's pretty much by choice, actually.
So what?"
The woman laughed evilly.
"Have you ever seen Europe?"
"Well, gee, I should hope not."
Her lips curled into a thin, sadistic line for a long moment before she replied,
"If you don't know what it looks like, then how would you know... that you're...
not... there?"
And suddenly, a lifetime of fears and doubt and suspicions came over the lizard
as if a wave of ennui, and the lizard cried out, "Yeah, well if I AM there, at
least I know they have to deal with assholes like you, too!"
And then the lizard ran off, crying to the cafe, where he proceeded to drink
himself into bohemian roadblock with his friend, Pierre. And so the lizard aged
and died on the vine of continental art, leaving behind him little more than a
scattered stack of papers whose writings wandered the hinterlands of despair and
disappointment, panicked laughter and tears, and the crushing pain of a paradise
denied with a superhuman mundanity that spoke to the soul. And it would be those
same papers that would come to fetch his estate millions at Southerby's, and
drive his surviving friend, Pierre, to finally actualize a lifetime of words. In
cosmic contrast, Pierre's pages were burnt the very next day by a handful of
street waifs seeking the warmth he could not provide them in life. Not that this
was any great loss.
It is perhaps worth noting at this point that the story took place in Berkeley.
Thank you.
THE END.
Official Abducted Forbidden Romance: (AllonI Kramer)
(after ghostxxx and Jennifer continued their eternal squabbling:)
If this is a movie, the two of you will be in love by the end of it.
If this is a sitcom, the hidden love the two of you hold for eachother will come
out during one episode, then quickly be covered up again and ignored.
If this is a comic book, the two of you will become arch-nemeses and battle
regularly, the one for good and the other for evil.
If this is a romance novel, the two of you will have passionate sex at some
point. You may continue to hate eachother other than that.
If this is a porn film, everyone is fast-forwarding through the character
development garbage and skipping straight to the getting naked.
If this is an artistic porn film, some people are actually watching this part.
If this is a fantasy novel, something will happen to make the two of you work
together to save your lives, and you'll end up becoming good friends and
possibly lovers.
If this is a science fiction novel one of you is a cyborg.
Official Abducted Spam Of The Month: (submitted by AllonI Kramer)
If you are an alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel
physically through time I need your help!
My life has been severely tampered with and cursed by a very evil women of my
past.
I need to be able to:
Travel physically back in time.
Rewind my life including my age.
Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being
tampered with again after I go back.
I am in great danger and need this immediately!
Only if you are an alien or have this technology please send me a separate email
to:
core0139@aol.com
Thanks
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