|
|
|
Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
|
Cannot resist. Must translate with babelfish:
They know, forwards now expected I a bitter response of ghx. I am frightened and
shown shagrinned that it had to wait, until on the top right.
-Nori Essen
But of COURSE the Hello Kitty sanitary napkin features the "delicate waffle"
design. Could you imagine Her High Helloness associated with the "ponderous
pancake?"
-Nori Essen
In Japan, ALL things female are small, cute, and/or wearing public school
uniforms.
-Nori Essen
Witty Abducted Reply Engine v0.1h
----------------------------------
Please choose from on of the following witty retorts...
a) Let's go pelt them with some golf disc's, the Heathens.
b) There is a monkey loose in my pocket. You there, pretty
girl, get it for me.
c) <- fileGET(pineal.org/Abducted/story/long/longer/growingup); ->
d) I'm Chris Wayne.
-Jason
All the time in the world at my fingertips.
Wonderful food.
Incredible sex.
Delicious wines and fine liquors.
The writings of Musashi.
The company of good friends.
A few hours of kicking ass at unreal tournament
There has got to be more to life than this.
-Nathan Winant
My brain is frustrating me this morning.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My eyebrows are so tidy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'd like to point out that my apartment is functionally, at the moment, the
entirety of the known world. I AM MASTER OF ALL I SURVEY!!!
-Nathan Winant
Alexander the Great died at around the age of 33, a fashion that would later be
adopted by Jesus Christ and Bruce Lee. It remains to be seen how I will measure
up to this standard.
-Nathan Winant
My weltanschauung consists mostly of schadenfreude.
-Chris Wayne
I am scared of the scorn of an irate Chinese girl. I hear they explode when
agitated.
-ghostxxx
Coming from a lesbian trapped in a man's body of Chinese derivative descent, I'd
be afraid. very afraid.
-Khanh Nguyen
"Oh, woe is me, I can't decide between two beautiful asian women." You expect
sympathy?!
-Trevor Walton
Oh, sure, when *I* do it, it's all "The End of Innocence" and "Bye Bye, American
Pie", but when Jennifer does it, it's business as usual. Fine. Sure. Fine. You
just SEE if I bail your asses out of the next missile crisis. You just see.
-Nathan Winant
I fear that a possibly cute guy has been possessed by Nathan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Apparently Nathan's emails now have corporate sponsorship....
-Chris Wayne
Almost 33, from a fever, the cause and nature of which is still disputed. My
Western Civ. teacher in college insisted that he choked to death on a well-hung
slave's penis, but I've never seen or heard anything like that from any other
source, so I sort of doubt it.
-Chris Wayne (re: Alexander The Great's death)
It is my life's goal to fill you with chagrin. Mission accomplished.
-Chris Wayne
Irony remains resolute, and refuses to offer any sting. Irony, will, however,
emit a slightly bitter odour on occasions.
-Derek Bradley
Damn bigshot hollywood script writers and their time machine-runnin',
ip-stealin' skanky asses!
-Nathan Winant
It's my language to use or abuse as I see fit. This is between me and it. Mind
your own business, unless you want some of the same.
-Chris Wayne
This was coupled with the rather humbling realization of how deeply and truly
flawed I am. The obvious answer: self improvement directed towards the goal of
world domination. But how?
Developing superpowers? Controlling a vast army of rabid monkeys? Popularizing a
new style of men's underwear that is so uncomfortably tight that every human
male on earth is rendered sterile except you?
Virtues.
Oh.
-Nathan 'n Chris 'n Nathan 'n Chris
Nathan, I love you too, now fuck off.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
All this talk of weasels reminds me uncomfortably of Pauly Shore.
-Chris Wayne
I just want to say that all of this weaseltalk is a-makin' me tingle.
-Nathan Winant
Say "by right of military conquest, I demand that you stop butchering unpopular
people" and then cock your pistol and yell, "Dance! Dance for me, puppet!"
-Nathan Winant (only slightly out of context)
I crave to buy crap and spew out toxins and spit on tuberculosis ridden African
Peasants.
You simply must. It's absolutely exhilirating!
-Derek vs. Nathan
Or, hell. If you really do have the firepower to tame the wily chinese, sure.
Way to go, Mark. *pat* *pat*
-Nathan Winant
band name for the day: AnalRetentive Mississippi Scavenger Hunt. They exist, and
they have a song called "Hung Over Bitch."
-Nori Essen
How many times do I have to tell you people? If anyone is going to anally rape
Nathan, it's gonna be me! He's my bitch and nobody else can have 'im!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I didn't realize mullets were a world-wide phenomenon.
-Trevor Walton (living in denial)
It's served its purpose all well and good, but frankly I've grown to regret the
goddamn day I ever came up with the idea of the goddamn U.N. or its goddamn
Universal Declaration of Human Rights!
-Nathan Winant
If you can't speak proper English I'm afraid you'll be de-abducted. (Deducted?)
-Nori Essen
I speak proper english, albiet with a few ockerisms. The Septic Strine isn't
the dogs bollocks, however.
-Derek Bradley (... what?)
They took a picture of me and Tina lying on the kitchen floor "holding hands
over a bucket of puke like a couple of angels."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
See, this is why I get high. Um, I mean... drugs are illegal.
-Jason
This Positive Spin Moment (TM) brought to you by Puppies & Sunshine. Puppies &
Sunshine. We make good things even better.*
* Puppies & Sunshine is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Landraper Petrochemical
Corp. "Better" is herein understood as a state of mind and in no way refers to
any qualitative or quantitative improvement.
-Chris Wayne
speaking of quite good, I've discovered that I'm quite good in bed. No, I mean
REALLY. Surprised the hell out of me too...
-Funky J
Fetuses killed Jesus, after all.
-Chris Wayne
Odd fact: Fascism refers to the fasces, a symbol of authority in the Roman
republic, which consisted of a bundle (which is what the word means) of wooden
rods bound to an ax, and represented the power of punishment (the rods) and the
power of life and death (the ax). The English word faggot is related to this
word through medieval French. Coincidence? I think not.
-Chris Wayne
hmmm, I'm cranky this morning. I probably shouldn't go to work today. I'm sure
they'll accept that as a medically valid excuse.
-Chris Wayne
AND THE FBI - ALONG WITH NEWT GINGRICH, COL. "BO" GRITZ, PROJECT JAM ECHELON
DAY, MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGION CHAPTER 4261, AND THE ISLAND NATION OF JAPAN
- HAVE ORDERED ME TO INFLAME MY FOOT WITH DEADLY FIRE ANT STINGS, VOMIT IN A
BUCKET IN PUBLIC, DRESS UP LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL, BLEACH MY HAIR PLATINUM BLOND ONCE
A DAY, AND EAT NOTHING BUT VEAL. A GROUP OF ACCADIAN WEASEL FISHERMAN INJECT ME
WITH CHEMICAL SEWAGE FROM DOW INDUSTRIES WHICH MAKES ME ALLERGIC TO MY OWN
SWEAT.
-Nathan Winant
Speaking of which, I was watching The Prince of Egypt on HBO earlier today. Via
the burning bush, I-Yam-What-I-Yam told Moses that He has seen the suffering of
His people in Egypt and wishes to free them from their bondage. So, um, weren't
the Hebrews supposed to have been slaves in Egypt for a good 400-600 years
before that? No rush....
-Chris Wayne
Out of curiosity, I checked out Bruce Lee on the IMDb. Seems he's made ten
movies in the past 25 years. Good to see he didn't let a little thing like death
stop him from working, unlike his son, who hasn't worked a day since he was in
The Crow. Slacker.
-Chris Wayne
I didn't exactly plan this one, Mr PissyPants.
*ack* My secret shame is revealed!
-Jennifer 'n Chris
If abducted was a Dungeons and Dragons game, who would be what and in what order
would they march? Discuss.
-ghostxxx
I'd be the stud-bitch in a chain mail bra wielding something shiny (but being
distracted by it). Alloni would be the wizard who tries hard to be scary but
keeps "accidentally" wielding snarling pink fuzzy bunnies at Orcs. Nathan would
be... um... hmmm. I'll have to go back to Nathan. ghx would be Chuck. CW would
be the mysterious character who only pops up occasionally when the guy who plays
him bothers to show up to the game, but we all like the guy so we don't complain
much when he does play. Garth would be the dead guy at the side of the path that
we rob. I know! Nathan would be the cruel dungeon master, playing each sadistic
monster in turn and laughing maniacally! Funky J would be Damon Wayans. Nori
Essen would be the wasabi Elf. jm.jm. would be the guy I ate last game. Jason
would be the guy who turns to thievery for lack of a better job. Gustafson would
be the obnoxious son of a bitch. Derek would be the drunken friar. lemke; would
be my hispanic lover. Khanh would be our token gook. The Ancient Mariner would
be the guy lurking in the bushes. Smiley would be the pharmacist. Johnston would
be a horse dealer. Trevor would be something something. Did I forget anyone?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (and then breathing)
Nathan, I will pay you one million dollars to grow a mullet.
-Nori Essen
for two days, i have eaten nothing but rice and cocoa puffs. my excrement is now
bright green. should i keep it up?
-ghostxxx
Cower before my power, meager gigolites! Cower before the might of... Stella
Rosenbaum!!!
-Nathan Winant (um, I mean Stella Rosenbaum)
I just got email on the sf goth list from one "Lorde BreakWynde."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Damn it, I'm always the guy who turns to thievery for lack of a better job. I
hate that. I want to be Dom DeLuise.
-Jason
Stop the rice. You may be tainting your body with nutrients.
-Chris Wayne
No, Paul, you're SUPPOSED to pee in it. It's a stillsuit. It's designed that
way. Pretty goddamned DUMB for a Kwisatz Haderach, aren't you!
-Eric Gustafson
Also, I have a pretty sizeable potato.
There will be none of that braggin' about the size of our potatoes here.
-Nathan Winant 'n Johnston Reesor
Problem eliminated: with extreme flavor.
-Nathan Winant
I have a cake - it's a chocolate sachetorte made with three blocks of dark
chocolate. It is very very hardcore.
Is this what "hardcore" becomes at 30? Good GOD man, what is straight edge like?
-Derek 'n Nathan
It's a good idea, but I think we need a little more depth. Hmmm... How about a
transvestite drunken atheist friar with agnostic tendencies and a mule named
"Everclear".
-Nathan Winant
Hardcore for me is driving a car at 8000 revs through windy hills roads whilst
snorting coke with a blonde millionaire's daughter tied up in the back seat,
with several helicopters overhead vainly trying to follow through the hills and
valleys. Loud techno, possibly Drexciya, will be playing over the car stereo,
and I will be singing along to the imaginary voices in my head.
-Derek Bradley
barrio. It's spelled with two "r"'s and nine millimeters.
-Nathan Winant
You know, I think an attack monkey would be right at home on abducted...
-Nathan Winant
i had a monkey.
he died.
you shall *NEVER* bathe your monkey.
but what the frag, monkey stinks.
-Rafael Lemke (is this poetry?)
DAMN YOU JEWS! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Taking off with my uterus again. Don't
you realize it hurts?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am pretty damned sure that I would not appreciate the female equivalent of the
bris.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
There's been a lot venomous debate and some real divisiveness over this issue,
but I think there's a really valuable lesson in all of this: There are hookers
in Heaven.
-Nathan Winant
If Funky J and I were roaming through the tundra and suddenly found ourselves
surrounded by the dreaded VIET CONG, and were dragged off to a POW camp where
they pulled out a rusty machete and started looking at Funky's hands while
screaming at me, "You dance firepoi for us, G.I.! You spin fire, or friend no
longer spin funky beat!" -- well, there's a chance I might be able to bail ol'
Funky out. Only a chance, mind you. And one that would depend on their sense of
humor. "G.I. hit himself in ding-ding again! You funny for Imperialist
DevilMonkey, G.I.! We take you to Hanoi to do little crotch dance for Ho Chi
Minh!" I would wake up every morning to practice majestically against the rising
sun on the long riverboat ride to that city, my dire straights and thirst for
revenge driving me to hone my skills into a deadly fighting art, all the while
Funky spinning phat beats with a cold, calculated intent. And then of course
we'd arrive, and Funky and I would be all ready to do our little routine where
he spins the new style he's invented -- Jungle Of Darkness -- and I spin the new
style I've invented -- White Hot Fiery American Death Delivered Straight From
The Mainland To Your Godless Commie Door In Thirty Minutes Or It's Free, And
Don't Think You're Getting Left Out Either, Fonda. Or, as it would later come to
be known, Nagasaki-Style. But all this would be for naught, as we'd show up only
to find out that Ho Chi (or "Hoochie" to his friends) was actually, surprise
surprise, Khanh. And then we'd all have a good laugh, and enjoy a drink or two
and reminisce about that one time that ghx and jll fought like an old married
couple, and then he'd throw us into a muddy pit where we would be anally-raped
by tigers and left for dead until a 20/20 crew happened to discover us a month
later subsisting on maggots and rainwater. But it's not like it'd be the first
time or anything, so my point still stands: I'm not great yet, but if it ever
came down to it, I just might be able to save our asses. Well, not our asses
*specifically*...
-Nathan Winant
Blazing Saddles is on Fox Family channel. They are editing the Schtupp out of
Lilly von Schtupp. You wouldn't even believe what they've edited out of "I'm so
tired." So far, "from below and above" and "and always too soon." That's some
off-brand-crack smoking censors.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Note to those of you paying attention: I am now a Signed First Edition. I have
been known to dramatically increase in value.
-Alloni Kramer
All right. That's it. You've had your chance. You've peeved me. Millions, if
not billions, of people around the world have successfully managed to arouse my
ire. They have felt the consequences. Death by "natural causes". They were
"killed by their wife for cheating on her". "Spinal meningitis". No. They
pissed me off. Just to prove my awesome power, because of you, tonight, I am
going to kill people in your vicinity. In fact, because I'm feeling cruel, I'm
going to kill people in the closest hospital to you. Yes, a hospital, a place
of healing, will now be a place of death. Because of you. I hope you're proud
of yourself.
-Alloni Kramer
Kids, today. Kids, with their "Can we mow your lawn?" and their "Do you want to
buy some lemonade?" and their "How about a kilo of cocaine?" The little
entrepeneurs.
-Alloni Kramer
Yeah, damn kids these days, always trying to "work" for their money. Always
trying to "demonstrate responsibility" or "render a good or service". Well
dammit, back in MY day we sat around the house watching scrambled porn channels
and stealing from our mother's purse, and we were the BETTER for it!
-Nathan Winant
Not sure exactly why I got this notice, but I'm afraid. Very afraid. "Women.com
and iVillage have joined forces to create the largest and most powerful global
neighborhood of women online!"
-Chris Wayne
Oh yeah? You wanna know my retort? "The euro."
-Nori Essen (doesn't really matter what she's retorting)
And lo, Chris Wayne was possessed by the spirit of Judy Tenuda. And there was
much accordion playing and many converts to Judyism. And it was good.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am officially sick of the phrase "loveable bigot".
-Chris Wayne
_My_ planet? I thought this was _your_ planet!
-Alloni Kramer
The english language is perfectly clear about the difference! No matter what
those foreigners say! The english language just happens to... prefer men,
that's all. It was created that way, it's not environmental. Well, maybe it is
environmental, too. All the english language knows is that some time ago its...
preferences became clear. Oh, it tried to give equal weight to women. It
really did. Otherwise it might get shunned by the other languages. They'd call
it names. Maybe even a little physical abuse here and there. But it just
didn't work out. So now the english language is open about it. It hangs out
with other languages with similar preferences. Meets at Those Kind Of Bars.
-Alloni Kramer (by request)
I think this is where we both laugh at our mistake, destroy this planet
together, and wander off the best of friends. That, or we declare unrelenting
war on eachother's home planets, whichever.
-Alloni Kramer
This is why I never let people take pictures of me. I am Keyser Soze.
-Chris Wayne
Note to self: Buy Australia.
-Chris Wayne
No doubt, since the governance of Australia holds such key strategic importance
in American interests. Seriously, where else would we get the eucalyptus
required for that medical miracle, the cough drop?
-Chris Wayne
So it's agreed. We consume hot dogs as we destroy each other's worlds. Ready?
-Alloni Kramer
Conquering the world is an acceptable alternate plan.
-Alloni Kramer
Hey! I just realized! I have eyes! Things that look like me exist in nature! I'm
one of them! Harumph.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Correction: I am an ANGRY little man.
-Nathan Winant
Jennifer, enough with your crazy talk. War is not peace.
-Nathan Winant
If being a slavering prejudicial fangirl is "victory", then by gum, you're
right! Garcon, a round of victory for everyone... on Non!
-Nathan Winant
Yeah, we wrote God into every one of our laws, and damned if it didn't pay off.
Maybe if you guys spent a little less time complaining about your hippy bleeding
heart "human rights", and a spent a little more time PRAYING, you wouldn't have
to keep pretending that your ham radio station was an "integral part" of the
space program.
-Nathan Winant
Official Abducted Oriental Recipe: (Nori Essen)
So I subscribe to this oriental food newsletter, and today I get this recipe
called "Oliveable" that begins:
Slice the bunguang.
[Whoa there. I'm sure that's been declared illegal by the Louisiana Legislature
at some point. I mean, they recently re-ratified a statute declaring that any
and all forms of oral sex, including oral sex between married heterosexuals in
their own home, is illegal. Public bunguang exposure is worth a fine for sure.]
Fry the vegetarian ham and french beans for 2 minutes.
[Soy ham? Wheat gluten? Ham-flavored tempeh? Help.]
Add in olive vegetables.
[Olives are technically a fruit. Does this mean pickled vegetables? Or do they
mean to call olives a vegetable?]
After 1 minute, add in 2 bowls of rice.
[Big wasteful American bowls or teeny asian bowls?]
Add Xi Luo Dou Bao, Pandan leaves, and Bunguang.
[Blink. Blink.]
Fry for 2 more minutes. Serve with garnish of strawberry, lemon, grapes,
parsley, orange, and cucumber.
[There's a bewildering medley of flavors there.]
Remarks: A vegetarian dish indeed. Cleverly uses pandan leaves to add fragrance
to the oil. A very traditional vegetarian dish indeed.
[Remarks: indeed a very dish. Remarkably oliveable. Can anyone translate?]
Official Abducted Bad Idea: (Nathan Winant)
So you see, I have these really cheap, fairly sharp steak knives. Now as you
might expect, a certain amount of rust was inevitable. So the other day I decide
to make myself a big ol' pot of tasty jambalaya. I'm slicing up the sausage,
when the knife snaps. I look down, and lo and behold, I have a blade and a
handle. It's a clean break, too -- blade, handle. I take a moment to ponder the
situation: I have a large, fairly sharp blade covered in pork fat. What to do? I
can't just toss it in the trash -- talk about a safety hazard! So, as with all
such seemingly insoluble problems, I toss it in the sink to be dealt with later.
I then used another knife to finish slicing the sausage, and proceeding to
prepare a delicious jambalaya. Thank you, Tony Chachere's Creole Mix!
Anyway, so today I'm preparing myself a Dr. Pepper and ranting on the phone
about something to Alloni, when I look down in my sink and notice the blade,
covered in rancid pork fat, and with more than a little additional rust. What to
do? I silently ponder this delimma as I continue my fiery diatribe about the
neighbor's dog or whatever the hell I was talking about. And then, as though a
divine revelation, I notice the empty liter bottle of Jack Daniel's. Of course!
The solution was so *obvious*! I unscrew the cap, and ever-so-carefully deposit
the blade inside... it fits! All I have to do is throw out the bottle, and I've
made the world safe yet again for democracy!
And then, I get an idea.
Not just any idea. An idea that turns our postmodern postwar existential
doldrums on their collective ear. An idea that transcends language and culture.
An idea that cuts to the heart of the human condition. In short, no less than
THE BEST IDEA EVER. I shall not throw out the bottle. Nor shall I merely keep
the bottle. No, I shall use it as a seed for what may quite possibly become the
grandest undertaking in the history of our humble race. I shall create...
A Bottle Of Mortality!
Think of it! Think of all the passive dissatisfaction you've been experiencing
in the execution of your mundane albeit comfortable life. I know what you're
feeling, brother/sister/other, because I've been feeling it too! Was it not
Kahlil Gibran who wrote:
In their fear your forefathers gathered you too near together. And that fear
shall endure a little longer. A little longer shall your city walls seperate
your hearths from your fields.
And tell me, people of Orphalese, what have you in these houses? And what is
it you guard with fastened doors?
Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power?
Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the
mind?
Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of wood and stone
to the holy mountain?
Tell me, have you these in your houses?
Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that
enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master?
Ay, and it becomes a tamer, and with hook and scourge makes puppets of your
larger desires.
Though its hands are silken, its heart is of iron.
It lulls you to sleep only to stand by your bed and jeer at the dignity of
the flesh.
It makes mock of your sound senses, and lay them in thistledown like fragile
vessels.
Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks
grinning in the funeral.
To which I say: you go, girl! And what better way to purge the lust for comfort
than with everpresent mortal peril? So I shall keep the Bottle Of Mortality, and
I shall add to it anything that befits it: used syringes, bits of asbestos tile,
biowaste, abrasive chemicals, whatever I can find. It probably won't break. It
_probably_ won't break. But the possibility that it might, however slight, can
only make life that much more interesting.
Official Abducted Annoying Argument Of The Month That Was So Annoying That Even
8 Years Later I Still Grimace And Shake My Head: (Mark Doner vs. Nathan Winant)
The politics of genocide. (Look it up in the archives yourself if you really
want to know.)
Official Abducted Dream Regarding An Official Abducted Annoying Argument Of The
Month: (Nathan Winant)
I dreamt that Derek was arguing with me over the nature of laws. I would find
any argument I could, any example, but his response would be the same: that all
laws derive their authority from christian doctrine, and that he would respect
none that had not.
After a point he fell to his knees, hands at his sides, and began to ritually
fellate me like a serpent, gazing up at the heavens after every third bob and
uttering, "You cannot have any law that is not attached to Christ as with a
chain to shackles."
Eventually I became aware that Mark was walking counterclockwise around me,
slapping his left ass cheek to a slow, unvaried beat that only he could hear.
His lips did not move and he made no sound, but his mind chanted, "Bubba loves
it," in time with his simple dance.
And then I heard a million children scream in agony and looked up into the sky
to witness the tears of the angels rain down upon them like poison bullets in a
mud-soaked, forgotten no man's land, while off to my right a broken, haggard FDR
cradled his head in his hands, shoulders shaking fraily. And then he looked up
at me from his weeping, and mouthed the word "You" with all the spite his
corrupted soul could muster.
It was then that I realized the sooted clouds overhead had formed the wasteland
into a crude cathedral, and the shattered voices of the children began to sing
the Lord's prayer, over and over and over and over:
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy Will be done,
On earth as it is in Heaven,
Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us,
And lead us not into Temptation,
But deliver us from Evil,
For thine is this Kingdom,
And the Power,
And the Glory,
Forever and ever,
Amen.
|