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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Dread is not a happy feeling. Just thought I'd let you know.
It is when you instill it in others.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
"Sisters," to many of you abductees from the deep south and Virginia, are also
known as "wives." Other countries have deemed this act foul and incouragable and
have made marrying one's siblings illegal. Silly Brits.
-ghostxxx
I think that Marilyn Manson boy gets a bad rap.
-Nathan Winant
Helpful conversions:
~3-6 spitting distances = 1 country mile
~2-7 country miles = 1 purt'neer
~25 or more country miles = 1 long-ass haul
All measurements are as the crow flies.
-Chris Wayne
Yet all we do is bitch and moan, bitch and moan. "In MY day, we shocked our
parents by wearing our underpants over our clothes, and pointed cones on our
chests! In my day we had VALUES, dammit!"
-Nathan Winant
GODDAMN IT WHEN MY ABDUCTED MAIL IS DELAYED THE END IS NEAR!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Follow the ho through Chicago at midnight. I know, I know. It sounds like secret
code words.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (and the yellow rose inhales slowly)
I now have three men coming to meet me at a coffee shop this evening. I like
men.
And apparently you like to have them with coffee.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
you act as if everything you read on the internet isn't true.
-Khanh Nguyen
This "bash jennifer for the hell of it" has been brought to you by the letter F,
the number 14 and the Children's Television Workshop.
-ghostxxx
What does this mean? I am now slowly falling into the Land of Confusion (Hi
Phil! Looking old!)
-Derek Bradley
No No No! That will not do. I have a
squadron of killer Daschunds on 24 hour patrol.
There are at least 2 attack sulphur crested cockatoos,
trained in the high art of aerial bombing.
Besides, the land of confusion is only a mental
scape, and my physical being can still
defend (albiet schizophrenically) the base.
- Derek Bradley (poetical genius)
Must poke own eye out. In remorse. Yes. Remorse.
- Alloni Kramer
Damn the Jewses! First my uterus, now this!
- Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The best Indian restaurant in the world isn't actually in India? As the old
saying's goes: "When in Rome, eat as the Germans do."
- Chris Wayne
Note to self: save this post for when Jen & ghx start dating.
- Chris Wayne
Stranger things have happened. Not since biblical times, but still.
- Chris Wayne
All of which proves that I'd pay really, really big bucks for a gay porn movie
starring Brad Pitt and Benicio Del Toro.
-Nori Essen
Well duh! Who wouldn't? Since my DVD player only plays gay porn, maybe if I just
watch it enough Brad Pitt will start humping Benicio Del Toro.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am "a true cleavage connoisseur". Neat.
-Chris Wayne (re: an e-quiz, but still amusing)
So how do you keep -their- attention? Do you carry a large assortment of small
shiny objects on your person at all times?
-Chris Wayne
So you claim. I'll believe it when it comes from him directly. And, no, it
doesn't count if you type with his severed fingers.
-Chris Wayne (he's on a roll)
no guy can figure out a woman. If they claim to, they're either lying or a poof.
-FunkyJ
I used to think I knew women, until I dated one.
-FunkyJ
We just looked at 20 pairs of breasts. We are all winners.
-Jason
In other news. I have no job, and I'm coasting on my (dwindling) savings. So
yesterday I do the logical thing: I buy Black & White. It's good to be a god.
Gods don't pay bills.
-Nori Essen
I can figure out women. Easy. It's relationships I have trouble figuring out.
-Alloni Kramer
Now that you have the Bush government, Australia has advanced further into the
future compared to America. Sorry for the inconvenience.
-Derek Bradley
Which reminds me... I was driving down the street and got behind this SUV. On
the back of the vehicle was a Darwin fish being eaten by a big fish that said
"truth". I wanted to beat that person with my 7th grade Physical Science
textbook.
-Jason
You don't have to be a cold-blooded ninja assassin to work here... ... but it
helps!
-Nathan Winant
Eh. I'd call him the High Priest of Hairspray. He worships hairspray; hairspray
doesn't worship him. Hairspray doesn't care. He's just grist in Hairspray's
mill. He's a carrier, a vehicle, a medium, a vector of infection. Hairspray
waits patiently in the bottle for the morning squirt, then rides around on the
High Priest's head all day, basking in the sun and feeding off passing brain
waves (having already sucked the High Priest dry). Hairspray is accumulating its
power, waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
-Nori Essen
um... ... kill me. please?
Certainly, sir. Would you like that to be California carjacking, high school
massacre, government invasion of your compound, or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?
Or.. we're running a special on autoerotic asphyxiation this month.
-jmjm 'n Nori
Alloni, please change my title to "Chopped Liver".
-Chris Wayne
Forget it, hon. I've been asking for years. If anybody dies around here, it's
going to be me.
-Mary Hodges
A riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a light flaky crust.
-Chris Wayne
I know. I know. "You never call. You never write. You never carve messages
on the backs of babies and throw them at me via catapult. Don't you love me
anymore?" Of course I love you! Or I just want you for your body!
-Alloni Kramer
Odd image for the day. I work in IT just now. And heard a scrap of situation:
"Yeah, we keep having problems with those Macs. Charla just had one go down on
her in the training room." And I thought, this is a problem?
-Alloni Kramer
ok. JLL chains herself to toilets, and you must have a light in yours. What is
next, cheek massagers?
-ghostxxx
Put prizes in the toilet tank. This would add a fun element to "reach into the
cold water to grab the chain laying at the bottom".
-Gark Sommer
And herein is part of the pottie problem, crossing over the Canadian border into
the U.S. A great many Americans come up here to purchase our toilets, because
you get a lot more flushing power. Seriously. This has been on the news, with
Americans sheepishly being interviewed at Home Depot and Revy (our large
hardware stores) about their purchases.
-Johnston Reesor
Not the balls on the plug chain and if I have to tie your balls together, I am
really worried about your sac.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (scared but intrigued)
frogs are neither normal nor people really.
-Khanh Nguyen
when is the last time anyone has seen a fortune cookie with an actual fortune in
it?
-Khanh Nguyen
Heh. The word "Eel" looks funny,
-Derek Bradley
I prefer to be served with a nice Shiraz. I sets of my bold tartness perfectly.
-Mary Hodges
last weekend when I got one that said: Your testicles will slap against the
buttocks of a small barn yard animal. I hope it doesn't come true. If it does
though, I hope its a sheep. I don't find pigs exceptionally attractive.
-ghostxxx
Time to change spots on the food chain. Up or down, your choice.
-Chris Wayne
I just got mail from somebody named "1Hav3N0Nam3 T0Sp3ak0f" and that person has
a hotmail account. I feel so dirty on so many levels and not even dirty in a
good way.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Now explain to me why you call petrol "gas" when clearly it is not ...
I call it pushwater.
-Derek 'n Nori
We apologized for Vanilla Ice along time ago... How many times to we have to
say we are sorry?
-Jason
Nah, we can be boiled down into one of the following stereotypes :
Mad Max
Guy Pierce in Priscilla
Rupert Murdoch
Funky J
Take your pick.
-Derek Bradley (re: australians)
Are you trying to put the magic smoke back into the computer?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Caring about someone even after they hurt you isn't weak, it's human. The
equation goes something like this: human = sad weak & prey to base desires.
That's why I'm not human anymore. Try it. It works.
-Nori Essen
If that's a spoiler, I'm sending you a mail bomb. A really small one that won't
do damage to much else than the package, but a mail bomb nonetheless.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The girl across the patio from me is looking at me... I think... She's kind of
cute, but I remain disconcerted. She looks like she could be my daughter, sent
back from some strange alternate future, to watch me. Maybe to learn from me,
maybe to recruit me, maybe to kill me. I'll tell you one thing: if she really is
my daughter, and if her mother is who I think she'd have to be, that makes for
some serious poetic weirdness -- especially in light of my recent efforts. Hm.
What do I with this horrible, horrible knowledge? Do I ignore her? Approach her?
I think I keep a lazy eye out, watch my back... If she is who she probably
isn't, then she'll come to me. So long as I don't leave my sensitive, colorful
underbelly exposed, I should be alright.
-Nathan Winant (gently musing)
Every fiber of my being is currently twitching with an undirected, furious rage.
Grr.
-Nathan Winant
"Evil... and courage... are hidden inside the mall." I think I was supposed to
hear that "them all."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Sweet Pornographia, steal me away in your kisses of authenticities and lies! Je
swoon! Je swoon!
-Nathan Winant
West coast, east coast, I'm the guy with the gun.
-Nathan Winant
URC IS HUNGRY. PLEASE SEND MEN.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
On the other hand, I got a stalker for Alloni. Turns out she has a fetish for
computer nerds with brown eyes/long hair/big noses. I thought she was gonna have
an orgasm right there on AIM. Even now she's probably plotting her course from
Indianapolis to Austin.
-Nori Essen (for memory's sake)
Awwww, shucks Honey, my bouncy checks never bothered you before. You know I
always make good... one way or another...
I read that as "bouncy cheeks." God help me.
-Jennifer 'n Nori
I just got hit in the back by a CD flying at high
speed in a Ninja style fashion.
-Derek Bradley
Ladies and gentlemen, The City of Houston Strategic Purchasing Department. What
I want to know is, WHAT are they purchasing? Soul crystals? Engrams? The tears
of virgins?
-Nathan Winant
I think I'm a nihilist in denial. But I have trouble believing it.
-Nathan Winant
I'm not willing to admit defeat, so they henceforth will be referred to by me as
"those bovine encephalitis fingers".
-Derek Bradley (re: sponge fingers)
I set in action more rueber after Melbourne on the mornings of Wednesday. I do
not come down duchi the main road (aka " the course of died data of "), but
rather than with Keith, the drive will turn, along-goes me down towards the
right from the Coonawarra to Naracoorte (and effect miniums to buy the
Ug-loadings of some and Jumbuckfabrik), cruise more rueber after Hamilton then
the great marine way and exceeds then from Geelong. Here the one hundred or
therefore kilometers, but I they can set in action more best more fastly and the
landscape.
-Derek Bradley (babelfishing)
Official Abducted Toilet Contraption: (Derek Bradley)
At Caroma, the toilet manufacturers, I was wandering out from their engineering
section across a small alley into one of their manufacturing areas and I turned
to the right an noticed a thing down the alley, at the end.
Some, or some peoples, had stuck a chair on a table and a toilet on a chair.
They had connected the cistern to the rain water runoff from the drains on the
roof of the factory. There was even a little overflow drain leading to a
secondary reservoir in case the cistern got too full. At the base of the
toilet, where all the smelly brown bits exit, was a 10 metre long piece of
plastic tubing, which ended in a metallic bucket on a little track attached to
some sort of counter weight mechanism.
So, says I, being an intrepid sort, I will flush the toilet. So I climbed up
and flushed the toilet. The exit water flowed down unto the bucket. The bucket
travelled a short while along the track, and tipped it's contents into a storm
water drain at the side of the alley.
One of life's little mysteries.
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