. . .



musn't kill. musn't kill. musn't kill.

No, mustn't get caught. Mustn't get caught. Mustn't get caught.

Jennifer, I truly believe that -- and make no mistake, I'm sure this 
is equally disturbing for the both of us -- Jennifer, I believe that 
we are finally, truly communicating.

   -Nathan 'n' Jennifer 'n' Nathan

oh shit, Felix is back...
better not talk about my evil plans of SA Domination anymore...
(Felix is a Fed or a Narc, I'm sure of it)
   -Funky J

Come now Mr J,
If I were to be a government operative, I'd aspire to join a loftier
organisation than the federal police or the drugs section of a local
police force. I'd be with the likes of FEMA or Interpol.
   -Felix

I didn't know Nathan had an unreasoning, all-encompassing fear of the swamps. 
Although I did pick up on this as we were driving out of New Orleans across the 
Lake Pontchartrain swamp, and he began asking about the relative dangers of 
falling in. Would I put the chance of survival at, say, one in ten? A hundred? 
Nil? What would be the cause of death? How fast would the alligators eat you? 
How many cars, would I say -- per annum, say -- just an estimate, mind -- crash 
through the railing and fall into the water in accidents that result in the 
horrible death of the helpless screaming occupants? WHAT IF YOU WERE STALLED ON 
THE BRIDGE AND STANDING ON THE SHOULDER BY YOUR CAR AND ANOTHER CAR WAS COMING 
AT YOU AT SIXTY MILES PER HOUR AND YOUR ONLY OPTIONS WERE TO TRY TO DODGE THE 
SPEEDING CAR OR TO JUMP OVER THE RAIL INTO THE WATER -- which of these, in my 
opinion, would be less likely to result in painful inevitable death? So he's 
grilling me like a demented insurance actuarian and staring at the swamp like a 
paralyzed rat in a ferret playpen, so I start to use the tone of voice that 
soothes wild animals and mental patients: You probably wouldn't die, Nathan. 
Well, you could be bitten by a snake - that would be either a water moccasin or 
a cottonmouth - or get caught under the water in a submerged log and drown, but 
really, Nathan, the most first aid you'd likely need after falling in the swamp 
would be a tetnus shot and a stiff drink. And alligators aren't that aggressive, 
Nathan. I'd go for the swamp over the speeding car.  Really I would. Not that 
either is very likely, Nathan. (At this point in the conversation we pass a 
section of side rail that is completely missing where a car had careened into it 
and possibly plunged into the water. But that meant nothing, really. It was 
purely coincidental.)
   -Nori Essen

This rocks my monkey-lovin' world.
   -Nathan Winant

I AM NOW A CRIMINAL UNDER AUSTRALIAN LAW.
For a nation founded by criminals, you guys sure have a lot of laws........
   -Nathan Winant

Damn.
I am a joke that everyone has been re-hashing for years.
and a piece of office gossip.
   -Funky J

Giant panting women!
Thundering down the hall!
Why do they lumber so?
... Hey! That's a satanic haiku!
   -Nathan Winant

Can anyone else wait...
until Mary Kate and Ashley do porn?
   -Jason

I remember chatting with jmjm some time back, bitching about microsoft. At the 
time he pointed out that his his gravest concern was the founding of a legacy. 
Say it with me: "Senator Gates". jmjm is a wise man.

now imagine if he moved to china: Nei hao ma, Chairman Gates.

   -Nathan 'n' ghostxxx

Her: "I really enjoyed tonight."

Me: "Me too. But, uhm... You know, if we sleep together too soon I'll probably 
lose interest in you and we'll break up shortly afterwards."

Her: "Oh..."

Me: "Yessir, once we start sleeping together... no more us..."

Her: "Oh... uhm... I see."

Me: "Say, have I told you that I'm a huge fan of professional wrestling?"

Her: "Take me NOW!!!"

Or I suppose I could just use it as a pickup line:

Me: "Hi, I, uh, couldn't help but notice you from across the room."

[long, ackward silence]

Me: "Hey, you know, the sooner we sleep together, the sooner I'll leave you 
alone."

Her: "Take me NOW!!!"

   -Nathan Winant

See, I would've just started tipping her after sex. "What??? I thought you 
wanted a professional relationship!"
   -Nathan Winant

God smoked our stash.
   -Funky J

"I'm a gerl script."  -mr urc (who I did not kill, dismember, and bury in new 
mexico last weekend, thank you very much for asking).

BTW, I did truly think you were a figment of her imagination, never had 
previously made the connection.

I feel validated.

   -jm 'n' tweed 'n' jm

now with less viral infections and no mucal drip.
   -ghostxxx

Shit and a dozen roses does not a good thing make, it makes shitty fucking 
roses.
   -Jason

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQ.. fuck it, you know the bit.  I'm not going to 
waste your time with silly quotes from Europe.  I'm not going to waste your time 
like AllonI and just ramble on about nothing interesting.. damn you AllonI.  
You've wasted my time for the last time.  Ok, damn TV, the man, retail and 
AllonI.  Satan loves you.
   -Jason

I'm bored with downloading porn
   -Funky J (shocking....)

Taste the bitterness.

NW, stop drinking out of the toilet.  That's not bitterness you taste.

   -Nathan 'n' Jason

Hey, jm.jm. Isn't there a holiday coming up or something? Like, that I might get 
a present for? Alternately, you can fill the order yourself. Just not during 
sex. I like the barbarian noises better.

TMI!

Too much information? On abducted? I don't believe you.

   -Jennifer 'n' Jason 'n' Jennifer

I'd be fine if the hearts under the floor would -JUST-STOP-BEATING-
   -Chris Wayne

Jennifer needs to be punished.  Fly out to Lousiana, stalk her for a few weeks, 
then late one night, slowly eviscerate her. Yeah. That'll show her.

Hasn't done any good so far. I've done it several times already. She just keeps 
coming back, in a different place, with a new body, new face, new name, new 
identity. Why does she continue to torment me?

   -Alloni 'n' Chris

I am Lilith. Hear me throw a fair.
   -Jennifer Larkin

Chris Wayne likes me!  He really likes me!
   -Jason (me like you long time)

Nothing's more satisfying than pushing the elderly over the edge.
   -Chris Wayne

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers a peck of pickled peppers did Peter 
Piper pick.  What I've always wondered is how Peter's Peter measures up to his 
pickles, you know what I'm saying?  If he had to keep his woman in a pumpkin 
shell to keep her from escaping, maybe he had something going with Jackie Horner 
across the way, hey?  That thumb went into more than just pies, you catch my 
drift.  Four and twenty little birds told me so.  Jack had to be nimble indeed 
to keep his wife from finding out, and she was more than a tad "contrary" all by 
her very lonesome.  That garden had some pretty fair gardeners around, and Mary 
noticed exactly how pretty they all were.
   -Alloni Kramer

Your days are numbered, Mister Limey-brulee.
   -ghostxxx

"Never underestimate the amazing healing properties of my penis."
   -Jon Mayer (via Jennifer Larkin)

haiku for Funky
Unsubscribe and Resubscribe
headers are friendly
   -Jason

As long as the sodomy is integral to the plot....
   -Chris Wayne

The inherent unpredictability adds variety to sex. And variety is the spice of 
life. And he who controls the spice controls the universe.
   -Chris Wayne

"I'm a libertarian with a small L. The big-L Libertarians are anarchist loons. 
But the little-L libertarians -- it strikes me that most computer people fit in 
that category." 
   -Dave Touretzky (via Trevor Walton)

I mean, jesus man, you're becoming your own worst enemy. With friends like you, 
who needs me?
   -Nathan Winant

One would expect male, but hebrew has fooled me before.
   -Alloni Kramer

Wow. Not only do I forge my email headers but I change my gender to do so.
HOW can I parlay this into a profitable career?
   -Nori Essen

Drop your panties and squeal like a guinea pig
   -Nori Essen

Finally I can shop at that new rabbinical porn shop in the mall.

Which, "Behind the Bris"?  "Holes In Sheets"?  "Tefillinatio"?

We have two, actually: "Diddler on the Roof" and "The Anal Solution". I've heard 
a rumor that we might also be getting a "Kosher Decadence" in the empty store 
between "Hava Tequila" and "Dreidle Shack".

   -Chris 'n' Alloni 'n' Chris

"I have seen the future, Slate."

"And it's so shiny he can see his monkey in it!"

   -From The Big Guy and Rusty  (via Jennifer Larkin)

weasels must be loose in the internet again. Ayup. e-weasels.
   -Nathan Winant