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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Man, this is *unbelievably* fucking cool. It's like the cosmic
equivalent of sticking your hand out the car window at 80 miles an
hour. How fucking cool. I have audio clips of solar wind on my
computer. I CAN LISTEN TO SPACE WIND AT MY LEISURE!!!! ... I want
more.
-Nathan Winant
Actually, it appears that intravenous injection of banana juice can
raise the dead.
-Chris Wayne
Dance like a monkey while making chicken noises.
-Chris Wayne
just wishing all of you abducted guys, gals, heads in a jar (or in
many jars) and perl scripts a happy new millenium, full of booze and
wild sex.
-lemke (how thoughtful!)
I just don't buy it, this painfully convoluted "scientific"
explanation. It clearly sounds exactly like the voice of a large
jellyfish-like creature floating in the thick upper atmosphere of any
given gas giant planet. But maybe it's just me.
-Chris Wayne
And I always do it alone cuz my mom won't help cuz of the smell and my
friends think I'm crazy.
-Mary Hodges
I briefly made this my desktop wallpaper, but then I decided that was
just wierd, so I switched it back to the usual autofellatio porn.
-Chris Wayne
our attention deficits average 3 emails at best, then the subject
turns to either monkeys, sodomy or gnomes.
or monkeys sodomizing gnomes.
-ghostxxx 'n Garth
Fuck PalmOS with a large smoked ham.
-Jason
I'm a core dump.
-ghostxxx
I'm a collect of those little bites a defrag throws out.
-Jason
And they say I'm weird because I like scrambled eggs in my milk.
-Garth Marlin
It's rather shocking to return home from a week-long trip to find that
your Abducted mailbox had swelled to *sixteen thousand* messages...
-Terri C. Sheep
let's see how many red peppers I can give myself. Live nude XXX
cum-guzzling gutter sluts fucking monkeys sideways with lubricated
shoehorns and sexy latex fruits. Oh, and occasional spankings by
naughty nuns. shit for brains.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Is grams into the hard core XXX?
-Johnston Reesor
Mmmmmmmm. Kahlua. Kah lu a. Kahluaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
-Mary Hodges
Profound conundrum!
What to do tonight?
Drink?
Write?
Write to abducted?
Get ravingly drunk and write to abducted?
... what ever shall I do?
-Nathan Winant
mmm...kai...my dead sex in combat boots.
-litho (i don't know what it means either)
This time the ants have gone too far. Having been driven in by cold
weather and my *shower* not being a good enough place for them to
live, they laid eggs in my sister's birthday present. I think it's
just about time to move my computer.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Good. The Fatherland is pleased.
-Alloni Kramer
Speaking of Fuzzy Wuzzy...
-Mary Hodges
We are a race of commentors, forever building on what has gone before.
-Mary Hodges
I am trapped amongst peasants.
-Nathan Winant
That's the nice thing about doing the quotes. I can comment on quotes
_right there in the quotefile_. Also, I get immense cosmic power.
-Alloni Kramer
Noooooo.... I want back. Back into the soothing womb of elitist
ignorance.....
-Nathan Winant
Okay, this place is starting to get to me. I'm in the bathroom, and
one of the other consultants comes in, chatting on his cellphone as
always, walks into the stall, and begins to take an unbelievably loud
shit WHILE TALKING ON THE PHONE. Moaning, splashing of water, toilets
flushing, and the guy is CARRYING ON A PHONE INTERVIEW. WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE?!?!?!?
-Nathan Winant
I'm sounding remarkably like Jennifer today. Zounds!
-Nathan Winant
But disease is the Gift That Keeps On Giving!
-Chris Wayne
There's news, stocks, and bizarre language-raping tools. It truly is
one-stop shopping.
-Chris Wayne
hmmm, bathing people in acid. An army of the irredeemably insane to do
my bidding! Note to self: obtain 40 gallons of acid.
-Chris Wayne
No, daddy! Please don't love me again! I promise i won't tell!!
-Chris Wayne
If you really meant that, you'd hunt down a rat and deass it for me.
-Chris Wayne
How about Mussolini? There just aren't enough Mussolini fan sites.
-Chris Wayne
Your survellaince chip is malfunctioning. Please report to the mother
ship for recycling. Repairs. I meant repairs. Really.
-Chris Wayne
mmm, suffering.....
-Chris Wayne
So heterosexual intercourse neutralizes genital pH. And so, clearly,
lesbians are rapidly dissolved by the further acidification of their
bodies cause by girl-girl sex, just as gay men are hideously burned by
the increased alkalinity of their pairing. Which explains why
homosexuals always turn into a smoldering pile of goo after sex.
-Chris Wayne
Note to self: White Russians and Anything with Tomato Sauce -- not a
good idea.
-Chris Wayne
Become a woman. Humiliations galore.
-Mary Hodges
I have a friend that made this huge device that acts sort of like an
EMP. it fits in his back seat and has a "gun" ... point it at a
cellphone within 20 feet and it fries.
-ghostxxx (i want one!)
Victoria's Secret is hiring. All that they said is that they are
hiring. They didn't give any other information. I asked and got the
information privately. I'm not remotely qualified. I replied to the
guy at Victoria's Secret that I'm not qualified for it. In the
meantime, in the ColdFusion job public forum, the general reaction is
"Victoria's Secret is hiring and you need more information?" I said
"Yes I need more information. They don't sell bras in my size and I
have this odd fetish for men." Now the guy at Victoria's Secret thinks
I'm funny and wants my resume anyway because they would be willing to
downgrade the job description for the right person. Then he called me
a chicken.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Be sure to keep this email away from lab animals and there won't be a
problem.
-Gark Sommer
I forget. Groping the other what?
-Mary Hodges
Are you saying Jennifer has a lot of Gaul?
-Mary Hodges
Apparently, for New Year's Eve my mom got drunk and danced on the
table. She just turned 60.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am unsatisfied and agitated.
-Mary Hodges
So you can be everywhere but not know everything. Nothing quite like a
perpetually confused diety. Kinda like a cosmic Alzheimer patient.
-Chris Wayne
No, I'm saying that modern-day France was founded on Jennifer's head.
-Chris Wayne
Great, now the universe is going to collapse. Just fuckin' great.
-Chris Wayne
You deal with childhood trauma your way, and I'll deal in mine.
-Chris Wayne
Still tough. And it's La Casa del If in Spanish, La Casa dell'If in
Italian, Ifis Casa in Latin, Ethay Ousehay ofway Ifway in Pig Latin,
das Haus von If in German, and Legislative Body If in Babelfish.
-Chris Wayne
Anyone see that Babelfish also butchers Asian languages now? "My
hovercrafts is full of eels" translates perfectly to "My Hu
hydrogenation grows phu thu? It are complete," after just cycling
through Japanese, Korean, and Chinese. Truly amazing technology.
-Chris Wayne
Great. Killing a real animal in order to make a fake one. So now PETA
can spraypaint little kids' teddy bears. Outstanding idea.
-Chris Wayne
Hrmph! No rat's ass for you. Or any other kind of ass either.
-Mary Hodges
They say there is no place for this little monkey in this town. But
they've been wrong before. Tried on some boobs for New Years. Very
liberating, except for all the sangria stains. How do you XXs keep
them so clean?
-Baabaa
There's a trick to it. What you do is you shake the box. If you hear
nothing, it's a sticker. If you hear plastic rattling, it's a small
plastic toy. If you hear a million voices cry out in agony and then
get suddenly silenced, it's a Death Star. If you hear the voices of
angels lifting in praise, it's immense cosmic power.
-Alloni Kramer (cracker jacks)
People have failed to comment on this so far but in order to keep them
clean I lean pretty far forward when I eat. Theoretically when I miss
my mouth it ends up on the table. The unfortunate part is that I have
long hair so when I lean forward it gets in the way. So I lean far
forward and it gets in my hair instead of my boobs. Luckily food is
usually less noticeable in my hair.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And off in the distance, a biological clock goes off.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
i really want a shock therapy machine that they use in physio. i
think the whole electric current thing is an excellent way to enhance
any type of sexual activity. that and feathers. *drool* shut up,
there's _nothing_ wrong with a feather fetish dammit!
-selene
I was the electrical play demonstratee at a play party. But I wasn't
up for public electrified dildo insertion.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You want a man with a facial blemish larger than your whole body? 'cuz
I know a guy....
-Chris Wayne
Just goes to show, I suppose. What, I don't know. Something.
Probably something prickly.
-Alloni Kramer
my new years was spent in the middle of a paddock in 30 degree C heat
dancing with hippies.
-Funky J
why is Jason a golfball?
-Funky J
That's unfair. There is no such thing as worthless human flesh. I
mean, there's always hot dogs....
-Chris Wayne
It's interesting that all these "psycho" cats are female. Obviously,
they are thrown into insane fits of rage when they hear a lower animal
-- a pet, no less!-- claim to be the Queen of the Universe. There can
be only one.
-Chris Wayne
All talents can be prostituted. Prositution = happiness. Remember
that.
-Alloni Kramer
God cookies. Sacramental wafer fortune cookies. With messages Direct
From God To You! Now sold in stores!
-Alloni Kramer
They're all talking... and watching their metallica videos and their
joe cartoon metallica joe cartoons..,........ headphones... not
enough........ future sound of london........ not
enough................................................................
......... STOP THE VOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
my tounge ring's making squeeky noises on the roof of my mouth.
-selene
And you all though I was going to make fun of the new people. But I
didn't, I attacked Alloni. And everyone likes that... but AllonI! ha
HA!
-Jason
oh shit. I've forgotten how to operate a phone. Or the eeenternet.
Monqi.
-Jonathan Mayer
With Alloni, its all the time, baby. Don't let his trenchcoat fool
you. underneath that layer of fabric lies the heart of a devil and the
loins of a lion. rawwwr.
-ghostxxx
I think I'm gonna start using Monkey as a general expletive.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Let me get this straight. Disney did something right?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm sensing oncoming land wars in Asia.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Why not just lean upside-down over the back of the chair? You'd still
get food in your hair, plus your boobs will probably hang down over
your face. Not very effective, but a hell of lot more fun to watch.
-Chris Wayne
Why... why, that'd be utopia. And no one wants that.
-Chris Wayne
That's just because I predate man.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It is official: I am every bit as smart as alien scientists are
believed to be. Or canadian scientists. Same difference.
-Nathan Winant
After all, if there's a utopia... then they won't be expecting someone
trying to bring down the system, and it'll make it that much easier to
attack.
-Alloni Kramer
I deny most allegations that I have eaten Jonathan. Just for the
record.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Stop it. You're scaring the children. Oh wait, you probably want to
scare the children. Proceed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In my own defense, however, I thought it was porn, and therefore A
Good Thing. Porn would never hurt me.
-Chris Wayne
Nothing like a little underaged German gay porn to start off the day.
-Chris Wayne
And corndogs! A little batter and a stick, deep-fried, and even the
most unappetizing pieces of meat become a beloved childhood memory.
-Chris Wayne
purty animated mandrill butt!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, of course... I see it now. It's all clearing up. Space Monkey =
Sex for Jennifer. So that multi-colored baboon's ass was porno.
-Jason
Though I do drive past a couple places advertising "massage" on the
way home. Judging by the area of town they're located in, and the
general reputation of such places I'm guessing one can probably get
booty there too... If that's the kind a booty you're into. When I get
that desperate, someone please shoot me.
-Trevor Walton
Everyone would be as smart as me and therefore already actively
working on bringing down the system. Of course, with everyone so
evenly matched, every plot will fail, and utopia will be everlasting.
I don't even want to -THINK- about the horrors of that.
-Chris Wayne
Ask Garth.
Less informative than Ask Jeeves, but more belligerent.
-Chris 'n Garth
Voodoo Queen wid a great big mole
Ichor ichor undead
Betcha fi' dolluh Cthulu eat huh soul
Jock-a-mo fee na-ned
Look at that idol dressed in green
Ichor ichor undead
He's not a shellfish he's a killin machine
Jock-a-mo fee na-ned
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
gotta love... inexperienced college-radio dj's.
-Trevor Walton
I mean, I know what it is. I know what it must be. I must appear to be
"safe" or some bullshit like that. I'm the convenient boy to keep in
your back pocket. I'm the nice, harmless guy who's amusing to play
with... at arms length. And you know what? You know what? THEY'RE
RIGHT. That's the kicker of the whole fucking thing, THEY'RE RIGHT. I
AM safe. I AM a nice guy. I AM a goddamn pushover.
-Nathan Winant
It is a sobering thought, that my brightest prospect is to become a
lonely, dirty old drunkard, known by name in countless strip clubs,
massage parlors, and penny arcades. God. GOD!!!!!! Maybe I'll join
the clergy......
-Nathan Winant
Clearly symbolic sperm. You feel guilty about birth control. Your
subconscious wants you to stop using it and produce many puppies.
-Chris Wayne
don't worry, I'll be there right next to ya paying a 16yo to do a lap
dance, and complaining that it wasn't as good as in the good ol' days,
when the women used to be REAL, and not robots!
-Funky J
Just because they are breathing, doesn't mean they are flirting!
-ghostxxx
You've got to be an asshole. You have to learn to be an asshole. It's
the only way to break free. Just remember to treat people as they
deserve. Tada! You are now an asshole!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That's it! Get a sex change! Then you can just get it over with and
marry Alloni. At least then it'll be legal.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Really the only thing I can't stand are the activism hours. "Yeah, so
remember everyone, we've got a big protest this tuesday outside the
starbucks on sixth and lavaca. As you know, they aren't serving
organic scones, and haven't responded to any of the fliers we posted
on the telephone pole outside..."
-Nathan Winant
My sister is doing a dating advice column for an online men's mag. Who
wants to heckle her?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Every time a girl talks to me, I wet myself.
-Jason
That's... That's actually really good advice, Jennifer. What happened?
-Nathan Winant
Everyone will be your love slave!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Bah. Who wants to be a grownup? (The title of the new hit gameshow.)
-Alloni Kramer
I'm looking for jealousy here! You people are no fun sometimes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
All right, Jen. If it'll make you happy. "Why, Jen! I envy you so!
I mean, getting hundred dollar Sennheiser headphones! For free, no
less! I've been wanting a pair forever! I will have to hunt you down
and take them from your slowly cooling corpse!" Happy now?
-Alloni Kramer
Favorite quote:
Schatten stressed that ANDi is not green.
"These are not Day-Glo monkeys," he said.
*sigh* what a shame....
-Chris Wayne
We're good friends at the moment, which is good, and nearly all the
feelings I had for her are suppressed... gone, I mean, I meant to say
gone.
-Funky J
So I sold my principles and you take it for granted? Is this the
state I've come to?
-Alloni Kramer
Mmmmmm....
Rum....
Sodomy.....
Lash.....
Pogues.......
-Nathan Winant
Yo jen... If I started a pr0n site, would you pose?
-Nathan Winant
"I wanted to urinate on her driveway. I wanted to sit on the opposite
side of the street and stare at her mailbox for hours and hours."
-Jason
Don't be so hard on yourself. They probably just think you're gay.
-Chris Wayne
I wanted to send this entire email to my friend Brian, because it
sounds exactly like him. I decided against it, because he'd probably
kill himself and/or his whole family. And I kinda like them. But nice
to know I have this, just in case. You never know....
-Chris Wayne
twitch
monkey withdrawl *twitch*
*twitch*
I'm *twitch* fine really. *twitch*
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
science IS a religion. it needs quite a lot of faith in it. and it
uses theories to explain why things happen. i mean, really,
_electrons_? have you ever seen one of these? has anyone? the only
difference is that science keeps disproving itself where as religions
are quite set in stone.
-selene
it's not so much the caffeine but, rather, the rankness of my coffee
that keeps me awake.
-selene
YAY!!!!! Nathan is unleashed!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Unfortunately, happiness is more complicated than most people realize.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"oh yes, you will be a good candidate," said the evil groo... Flowers
the world over turn black.
-ghostxxx
Bonobomon digivolve into Spacemonkeymon! Spacemonkeymon! The lick of
somethingorother!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's all the same piece of pie if you ask me. Belive everything - do
nothing is my motto!
I thought your motto was "Believe everything - smoke things
occasionally."
occasionally???
-Funky 'n Jennifer 'n Funky
I was left, however, at the end of the day with a seemingly permament
feeling of paranoia. *sigh*
Welcome to my world. In time, you will come to savour that feeling.
-selene 'n Nathan
See, that's a problem. I'm an insanely jealous person. So once we're
married, I'm going to have to lock you in the broom closet and never
allow you to see anyone else. And if I did think you were flirting
with anyone else anyway, maybe using Morse code, I'd have them killed
and feed you the remains as a lesson. Sorry, but that's just the way
things are.
-Alloni Kramer
Good plan alloni -- ruthless, decisive, cruel. I'm proud of you. I see
only one fatal flaw: your ability to physically overpower a young
girl.
-Nathan Winant
"My girlfriend sometimes farts during sex. How do I tell her without
making her feel uncomfortable about it? More importantly, how do I
tell her that I like it?"
-Chris Wayne
Yes, I'm laughing with girlish glee. The shoe store down the street
has a big sign out front advertising TINGLEY RUBBERS. It's the simple
joys, really, that make life worth living.
-Chris Wayne
I am rapt with intensely numbing ignorance.
-Chris Wayne
Sleep: perchance to dream. Where I seem to be headed at the moment.
Lately my nights have been less restful than usual, haunted by
puzzling visions of women past, present, and future, tormented by the
numbed narcotic charnal house of my subconscious mind. Hopefully I
have doped myself into several hours of peace. Dreamsville, here I
come; population: me. Bon voyage, mes amis!
-Nathan Winant
"After years of waiting, Elvis has finally agreed to a high fashion
all-nude photoshoot appearing EXCLUSIVELY on regina.com!"
-Brought to us by Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Say, you wouldn't happen to be own a white Voyager minivan, would
you?"
"Yeah!"
"Saw it in the parking lot. With all the open source stickers and the
tinted windows, I had a hunch it was yours. Pretty cool..."
"Yeah, I keep a cooler in there, and a generator, so I can go camping.
It's nice to drive outside of town and pull over and camp out..."
"Yeah, that's great. Heheh... Well, just so long as you're not binding
up young girls and throwing them in the back to be brutally
dismembered in the middle of nowhere and buried in a shallow, unmarked
grave, huh? Heheheh!"
"Uhm... Yeah. Heh. Heheh."
"Yeah. Heheheh."
-Nathan Winant
It's only a matter of time until your flesh is consumed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Today is the fifteenth anniversary of the loss of my virginity. I know
that you virgins are awfully jealous, so I thought I'd rub it in.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Flee before me, evil-doers! For I am Christ-Man!"
-Chris Wayne
I'm pert as a schoolgirl well can be. And don't you forget it.
-Chris Wayne
I shook the box, just like you said, and I heard billions of voices
crying out in agony and they just continued, without getting silenced.
So I thought it was some kind of Super Death Star and ripped the box
open. Now I've got this perpetual gateway to Hell in the middle of my
kitchen, which wouldn't be so bad, except for the demons that keep
raiding my fridge. The funny thing is, you'd think that the screams of
souls in torment would get kinda irritating, but with so many, it's
just white noise and is actually pretty soothing. Go figure.
-Chris Wayne
Slow-cooking his brain, while leaving his generative organs intact.
Lilith, thou art truly a fiend.
-Chris Wayne
"Whenever I get close to a woman, I immediately break up with her.
It's really becoming a pattern. Once we reach a certain point of
intimacy in our relationship, I break it off. The reason is that I'm
embarrassed by my small penis. I just couldn't handle the rejection if
a woman ever saw it. My first girlfriend laughed when she saw it, and
I've been terrified to let anyone see it ever since. How can I get
over this? Is there some trick I could use to make up for my
shortcomings? I just can't see how only 11" could satisfy anyone."
-Chris Wayne
You know, there's a fine line between cooking enough brain to make him
subserviant and cooking so much brain that he's no longer cute. It's a
very delicate process. Kids, do not try this at home. Except on your
parents. They're expendable anyway.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It all has to do with meta-destiny factors and cross-dimensional
transiences and all the things we thought would never be useful in
real life when we took them in school, like pullups.
-Alloni Kramer
Well then, Mr Smarty Pants, why isn't December called "Anuary", from
the word "anus", meaning "end"? I think, like an anus, it's all full
of shit...
-Funky J
I can't believe you people weren't up all night entertaining me.
-ghostxxx
the Jews are stealing my uterus earlier than expected this month. Yay!
I mean, damn them! (Yay!)
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Please kill me now. I've got a Hall & Oates ear worm.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That's what this list needs ... some new death.
-Jonathan Mayer
I've had sex with you and you're still alive. How long to expect THAT
to last?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
oh god, just listened to the sounds of jupiter and it freaked me out.
i felt as if i were surrounded way too closely by birds. *shudder*
i felt as if they were discussing what to do with me and were about to
start pecking.
-selene
Please explain. Preferably with plenty of sweaty, lascivious detail.
-Josh Smith
However, I didn't actually _notice_ penetration, which is really what
the whole experience was about for me-- sheer boredom.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You are so beggin' for a smitin'. And not some pansy-ass Semitic
mountain god's idea of wrath, but a full-on primal force of chaos
raining destruction down upon thee from on low. Feel the smite.
-Chris Wayne
um, did you have sex ON the mattress or WITH the mattress?
-Chris Wayne
Oh drat. I hate it when I have to do something.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't blame me, *I* voted for Leary.
-Nathan Winant
happiness is a warm monkey. cold monkeys are just sad.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Men are soooooooo desperate. They amuse me so.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wet monkeys are good too. Um, I'm shutting up now.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, it snowed last night. Soon the salt trucks will make their
rounds, and then the plows will push it all off the roads, leaving the
curbs lined with salty rime. And then just a few million gallons of
tequila, lime juice, and triple sec, and the streets will run green
with margaritas. Ah yes, what a glorious day this will be!
-Chris Wayne
More! More, poetry wench!
-Chris Wayne
It's always in the last place you look. Look there first to save you
some time.
-Kevin
Jenn, I have a job lead here in Fort Worth. What's your cup size?
-Jason
I don't hate the europeans. Not the Germans, not even the French.
Truly, I don't hate any of them. But it's a simple fact that, if left
to themselves for a couple of decades, they immediately set about to
developing new and elaborate ways to kill each other.
-Nathan Winant
EVERY COCA-COLA PURCHASED IS AN UNDESERVED EUROPEAN LIFE SAVED!!!
-Nathan Winant
My father doesn't care if I die of radiation poisioning. He does, on
the other hand, care a great deal about the fact that I don't have a
college degree.
-Nathan Winant
DAMNIT, JENNIFER! I told you, never again! Never again shall I wear
the Obedience Suit! Never again for less than $300/hour!
-Nathan Winant
1.) when are you moving?
2.) what do you anticipate rent to be?
I'd also ask,
3.) could we possibly live together without constantly fearing for our
lives?
... but repeated Clouseauesque assassination attempts spice up an
otherwise dull life.
-Nathan Winant
a watched pot never shows you the money. I'll watch your pot for you
so it doesn't boil. Boiled pot would be hard to smoke.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
... shit. here are some useful terms for you to learn on your wild,
wild journey into the realm of the English Language!
Period: punctuation used to denote the end of a sentence.
Comma: punctuation used in a sentence to denote a pause, a
subthought, a person's name when speaking to them, and various other
devices and jibber jabber.
Crack: Used by JLL before sending any emails to Abducted. Crack allows
JLL to write 6 lines without consideration for any of the above
mentioned punctuation!
-ghostxxx (bitter)
So I said "Fuck you, forces of the world who are conspiring against
me, I'm gonna go get a fucking ID! Kiss my ass!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The only dreams I remember are the surreal or the darkly prophetic.
And surreal as Ping The Duck might be, this is exactly the sort of
thing I would stumble across immediately before, say, an office
shooting.
-Nathan Winant
commie pinko bast-- oh wait, that's me. Nevermind.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
they're talking about their nexrt show and are saying that they love
space and there're always monkeys around somewhere in the studio so,
by powers of deduction, their next show should and could only be about
SPACE MONKEYS!
-selene
I just find it sorta comical that you're on a mailing list with an
aging porn star.
-Josh Smith (who? nathan?)
Its all about the bow-chicka-bow.
-ghostxxx
DIE HUMAN SCOURGE!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I lost mine to two strippers in the back of a strip club in Baltimore,
back when I was training to be a Track Vehicle Repairer at Aberdeen
Proving Ground.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox (his virginity)
Come now, Nathan. Do you really expect everything that I say to make
sense? You know better than that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I wonder how many house tracks there are that _haven't_ sampled dune?
-Nathan Winant
I just find it interesting that I'm a human scourge. I mean, yeah, I'm
all flippety-floppity and everything, but whiplash is a bitch.
-Nathan Winant
Does everyone else here not notice that you can't lose your virginity
twice and therefore can't lose it to two people? I mean, two stippers
being involved in the process is one thing, but losing your virginity
to two would involve time travel or something.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I hate it when my eyeballs are hot. Maybe someone should come over
here and lick them til they cool off a bit.
But then my tongue would get hot. And whatever would I do then?
-Jennifer 'n Chris (are they... flirting?)
Fool! Cthulhu predates and transcends petty human gender roles.
Besides, sometimes Cthulhu likes to feel pretty.
-Chris Wayne
In light of this photographic evidence (and further reading of posts
which I hadn't gotten to yet), one might consider that the Bush vs.
Gore presidential race was in fact prophesied by "Monkey vs. Robot".
-Chris Wayne
If the dollar coin becomes more popular than the traditional single,
whether by general public acceptance or by attrition (based on
speculation by some that the Treasury may just stop printing one
dollar bills someday), how will we tip strippers?
-Chris Wayne
I can get you farm animals, when your dark desires are so inclined.
-Chris Wayne
Strippers? In an alley? Track vehicle repairer? Please, that's nothing
-- hell, I lost mine to Cory Aquino's hot young daughter in the
infamous Shoe Room of the Presidential Palace while it was being
rocked by third-world artillery from the bloody coup raging in the
streets below.
-Nathan Winant
Turn over the keyboard and voila!..........instant lunch.
-Gark Sommer (mold?)
I have to put on parachute pants to excorcise the worm.
-Khanh Nguyen (painful)
the strippers are in all actuality _more_ attracted to you when you
tip with coins as the metal currency tends to be a few degrees cooler
that that of average room temperature and thus providing a refreshing
treat for strippers. also, when dealing with male strippers, the hard
currency only adds to the effect.
-selene (and she should know)
Wait... What is... Jason? Jason, I thought you loved _me_!!!
-Nathan Winant
Hey, I just checked MY title and found out that I'm the Kwisatz
Haderach! Cool! Now, if i could just get that "voice" thing down...
"You will pay me $15,00 a month!, retroactive to last August!"
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I like NSYNC and beany babies and fresh crayons and teen novels about
vampires and Jerry Springer and alcohol abuse, and i collect quilts
and i like faces...
-ghostxxx
without hemp, there will be noone eating vegemite, because you only
eat it when you're stoned... that's why it's a breakfast food...
-Funky J
here's my tip to strippers: "rub your breasts against the back of my
head and wrap your legs around my waste, moving up and down in a slow,
sensual motion in time with the music"
-Funky J
Four guinness, two long island ice teas, two jack 'n' cokes, and a 3/4
lb jalapeno-jack bacon cheeseburger covered in ancho chilis. While
this would normally be fine and dandy, I fear I may have slightly
overtaxed my weakened system... ... I really wish I hadn't ordered
those ancho chilis. I reeeeeeeeeaAaaally wish I hadn't.....
-Nathan Winant
That's where you're wrong, missy. Aside from providing sorely-needed
nutrients to the immune system, stout is a primary source of bile and
other essential bodily humours.
-Nathan Winant
Antihistamines are for the weak.
-Nathan Winant
Today I am having the programmer's lunch: teriyaki beef jerky, bugles,
and Arizona green tea with ginseng and honey jasmine.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yer 'science' by DAMNED! Say what ye want, lass; me prescription of
ale 'n' leeches is tried-and-true! Bile, iron, meat, and rest, and a
body be good as new!
-Nathan Winant
"Secret Antihistamine: Strong enough for a man, confused enough for
Jennifer."
-Nathan Winant
Damn you, Jennifer. Damn you and your jerky-tempting ways.
-Nathan Winant
Drink lots of vodka and tequila. its poisonous to every living
creature, and should kill the virus easily.
-ghostxxx
dammit. I can't believe no one is selling their soul on eBay.
-Chris Wayne
mmm, that's some good muppet.
-Chris Wayne
December is so called because it used to be the tenth month. And anus
means ring, referring to the shape of the sphincter. And the anus only
holds back the shit; it's not actually "full of" it. Therefore, the
last month of the year will be hereafter known as Rectumber.
-Chris Wayne
I know that if a female friend of mine kept masturbating in public, I
would find it, umm, interesting, but the bail money would clean me
out.
-Trevor Walton
And lo, the shits of the heavens descended and fertilized the fields
for the coming spring. Thus it was declared a new year; there was much
rejoicing.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You were dating a girl on the playground equipment? Is that where she
lived, or is that where you took her for dates? Hey, big spender.
-Chris Wayne
I used to have all these dreams about trying to kill people. Now I
keep having dreams about people trying to kill _me_.
-selene
Official Abducted Meaningful Interchange: (Nathan Winant and Chris Wayne)
Nathan wrote:
."". ."",
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Chris replied:
."".
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Official Abducted Good Will FALL! Moment: (Nathan Winant)
Historians take note!
After giving the matter a great deal of thought, I have come to a
conclusion: I have spent far too long serving the forces of order and
decency and normalcy and "goodness". It is high time I had something
to show for my efforts. From this point on, I am... Evil.
Yes, people, say hello... Hello to the the new and improved Nathan.
Hello to the freshly unrepressed evil Nathan. Say hello to... Dark
Side Nathan.
I will shamelessly use women.
I will extort, cajole, and manipulate the system for all it's worth.
I will make mean jokes... and not apologize!
I will enjoy fine wines.
I will dress alternately in black and in luxuriant silks, many of
which will themselves be... black.
And last, but certainly not least, I will crush my enemies.
I will let nothing stop me from reaping the benefits of my wit, my
intelligence, my irrascible charm, and my devilish good looks. I shall
indulge my dark desires, and where dark desire might be lacking, I
shall go to pains to cultivate them. Jennifer, I expect you to be
delighted: I am finally in touch with my inner goth, and he is one
wacky hedonistic bastard.
Yes, it should be a good millenium for evil.
Official Abducted Nathan's Evil Reign Begins: (Nathan Winant)
"Hey Nathan, I found a soul-trading site online! Weren't you looking
at one of those? Which one were you looking at?"
"Doesn't matter. I say we cut out the middle man."
"Uhm... What?"
"Right here, right now. Let's make a deal. What do you want?"
"Uhm... What do I want?"
"In exchange for your soul, right. What do you want?"
"... What?"
"You've got a soul, and I'm buying. Whaddya want?"
"Uhm, so, will this effect my inner light and everything?"
"Couldn't tell ya. I'm just a business man."
"Uhm, so do you believe in free will or predetermination?"
"Believe? I believe in the free market. Whether I've chosen to be or
not, I'm in the commodities business... and there's business to do,
my friend!"
"Uhm... So you don't believe in heaven, or uhm, you just don't care?
Uhm..."
"I believe we can make a deal we'll *both* be happy with, because I
care about you as a customer. So what'll it be? Money? Cash on the
barrelhead?"
"Oh, uh, no..."
"... Some kind of product? A service?"
"Heh... uh... no, that's alright..."
"Hmmm... How about... A laaAAaady?"
"Uhm, no, really, that's alright. I'm just gonna go back to the
web..."
"No problem, man, we're in no hurry. Give it some thought."
"Uhm... I'll just... uhm... be over here..."
"No problem, buddy. When you make up your mind... I'll be right over
HERE."
Official Abducted Quotes Redux: (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
So I ran the last set of abducted quotes through Brunching
Shuttlecocks' new drug slang cgi script. The following is an excerpt:
I marijuana't fucking WAIT until winter. I get to break out my
marijuana bdu's and my assorted marijuana t-shirts and my marijuana
3/4 trench leather. Or my marijuana corduroys and my marijuana
sweaters. Or my marijuana humor. Or that irrascible marijuana stage
presence I've become so infamous for. GOD I inject a drug wearing
marijuana. God. GOD!!! Luckily, rum needn't wait till winter! LET THE
DARKNESS COMMENCE!!!
-Nathan Winant
But, you know, marijuana humor is seasonless.
-Marhod
HELP! HELP! I'M WEARING A PEEL-OFF MASK! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! Where's
Cyclops when I need heroin?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've never claimed to be goth. Do I enjoy wearing marijuana? Yes. Do I
enjoy goth music? A fair amount. Will I mock goths? In a heartbeat.
While that might make me goth material, my crimson heart does not
crack cocaine to the funeral dirge of life. Or whatever.
-Nathan Winant
Nathan. It's time that you cocaine to terms with your situation. You
are a perky goth.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am the Great Shaman! I summon forth the rains, that the LSD may be
nourished and the crops may amphetamines! And unlike those other,
lesser shamans, I needn't bother with the silly chanting, the tiresome
dancing, the beating of the drum! NO!!! I need but leave the windows
of my car codeine cough syrup, and *surely* the rain will come...
-"Wes"
Official Abducted Short Story: (Nathan Winant)
Hi. My name is Jennifer.
I live in a tiny little town in a giant marshy swamp where people
drink and eat and screw a lot. Sometimes they drink or eat or screw
too much. Then their eyes look like this:
X X
That hasn't been a problem for me so far.
Every day I go down to a big house filled with
adding/talking/picture-making machines. All day long I write little
poems that tell these machines what to do. Then these machines tell
other machines what to do. Then those machines tell people what to do.
Usually, the machines want people to drink or eat. They usually don't
care if people screw.
Right now I'm writing a whole bunch of little poems to tell machines
to tell other machines to tell people to eat hot sauce, and I bet that
people WILL eat hot sauce, because the machines asked so nicely. Most
people are usually pretty good about doing what the machines ask them
to do.
But not ALL people.
* * *
I work in a big house, one that has wires everywhere. The wires help
the machines to tell each other what to do. We're supposed to tell the
machines what to do. People give us money to help us drink and eat and
screw, and then they tell us what they want the machines to tell the
other machines. So I guess you could say that they tell the machines
what to do.
But the machines tell them what to do, too.
This usually works pretty well. The machines do what the people say,
and the people do what the machines say. The machines get to talk to
other machines, which they like. And people get to drink and eat and
screw, which they love. Sometimes people complain about things or get
confused, but then they listen to the machines some more and they're
happy again. And sometimes the machines complain about things or get
confused, but then the people explain things to them a different way
and they're happy again.
In a way, we're kind of like one big happy family. Not everyone likes
talking to the machines. Not everyone likes having the machines tell
them what to do, or likes telling the machines what to do. But that's
okay. They have their own special place where they can go to be away
from the machines. It's called "the street."
Most people like talking to machines a whole lot. And most people who
don't like talking to the machines don't hang around them.
But not ALL people.
* * *
I work in a big room with an adding/talking/picture-making machine
that I named Roy. I write all sorts of little poems, and then I let
Roy read them, and then Roy tells me what he thinks. Roy usually
doesn't like them at first, so I have to make a whole bunch of little
changes until he does.
Roy's really picky.
When Roy's happy with all the poems I wrote, then I let some other
machines read them, so they can tell other machines what to do, so
those machines can tell people what to do. But you've probably figured
that part out by now.
Roy doesn't really have a penis. I just pretend he does.
Roy and I aren't always working. Sometimes we hang out, and Roy will
show me all kinds of suggestions on how I could drink or eat or
reengineer the dominant cultural paradigm to empower the masses.
Sometimes Roy shows me pictures about screwing. Roy doesn't think
pictures about screwing are naughty, but my mom sure does.
Roy and I get along pretty well, but I have lots of other friends.
There's a bunch of machines I talk to at home. And there are PEOPLE I
talk to EVERYWHERE! Even if we don't quite get along, we can usually
find interesting things to tell each other to do. Even though I'm
pretty intelligent, I still like talking to most people.
But not ALL people.
* * *
There's a guy who also spends his days in the room in the house in the
city in the swamp where I write my poems.
His name is Flippini. You'd think with a name like that he'd be
italian, or an acrobat, or amazing, but he's not. He's just Flippini.
Flippini's not MOST people.
* * *
Sometimes Flippini shows up at the house later than when he's supposed
to. Sometimes he makes a lot of noise at me when I'm writing my poems.
Sometimes he tries to look over my shoulder to see what poems I'm
writing. Sometimes I dream about hitting him a lot.
I don't like Flippini very much.
Flippini doesn't like the adding/talking/picture-making machines very
much, either. He says he does, but he doesn't spend very much time
with them. He doesn't listen to them when they tell him what to do,
and he's not very good at telling them what to do -- which is what the
people with the money tell HIM to do!
The machines don't like Flippini very much.
Flippini has a machine, too. I call his machine Cybil. One time I told
Flippini that I called his machine Cybil, and he said he thought that
was silly. "Cybil doesn't have a vagina!" he said. Flippini doesn't
have much of an imagination.
Flippini writes poems on Cybil, just like I do on Roy. But Flippini's
poems aren't very good -- sometimes when he makes Cybil read them,
she'll cry!
The machines and me sure wish we didn't have to work with Flippini!
* * *
Roy and I like to joke around.
Sometimes Roy and I joke that his favorite part of the day is talking
to Cybil. One time Roy helped me draw a picture of Roy and Cybil with
a little heart around them.
Roy and I joke that Roy has a crush on Cybil.
Roy and I have this joke about Flippini. Sometimes we'll joke that his
poems are so bad, that Cybil cries every time she has to read them.
Roy and I joke a lot like that. But we're not REALLY joking, because
Roy can't laugh.
I don't think I've ever heard Roy laugh...
* * *
Yesterday, Flippini did something bad.
Flippini wrote a whole bunch of poems, and none of them were any good!
He said he'd been writing them for weeks, but I don't think so. I saw
what he was doing all that time. He was telling Cybil to tell him all
about playing cards!
Flippini kept making Cybil read his poems over and over and over
again, and she didn't like them one bit! "No good!" she'd say. "Bad
grammar!" she'd say. "Unbelievable characters!" she'd say. Cybil
really wanted Flippini to stop making her read those poems.
Flippini said, "The machines have to like these poems!"
"Too bad," I said.
"You have to fix these poems!" Flippini said.
"No way," I said.
"But if the machines aren't telling people what to do, the people with
the money will stop telling US what to do!" Flippini cried.
"Your fault," I said.
"But then you won't be able to drink or eat or screw!" Flippini said.
He had me there. So Roy and I took all of Flippini's poems and we went
through them with a red marker, word by word by word. Sometimes I had
to rewrite entire poems. Sometime I had to write poems that Flippini
had forgotten to write. It took a whole lot of hours, but at least Roy
was good company.
Flippini sat around with Cybil, telling her to tell him where a whole
bunch of little make-believe mines were.
I was pretty mad at Flippini.
* * *
Roy is a machine.
Roy can add.
And Roy can talk.
And Roy can make pictures.
But Roy is just a machine.
People have names. The only reason Roy has a name is because I gave
him one. I gave him one because I thought it was cute, and because
"Roy" is a lot faster to type than "The Thinking
Adding/Talking/Picture-Making Machine In The Room In The House In The
City In The Swamp Where I Write My Poems."
Roy doesn't even have a penis, for gosh sakes!
* * *
Yesterday, Flippini did something bad.
Roy and I were working for a long long time fixing all of Flippini's
poems for him. Suddenly, we heard him yell.
"Oh no!" cried Flippini.
Roy and I ignored Flippini and kept doing his work for him. But then
Flippini yelled again.
"Oh no!" cried Flippini.
"What?" I asked.
"My computer isn't working!" cried Flippini.
I looked at it, and it WASN'T working!
"What did you DO to it, Flippini?" I asked.
Flippini had been making Cybil read some poems that would tell her to
tell Flippini all about an evil alien menace, and guns, and crates.
But it didn't work right! So then Flippini tried to fix it. And then
it didn't work at all! So then Flippini tried to fix some other
things. And then CYBIL wouldn't work at all!
"Looks like we'll have to call the floppy disk guy to fix Cybil so she
can think right again!" I said.
"Why do you keep calling it Cybil? It doesn't even have a vagina!"
Flippini said.
I really want to beat him with my keyboard, but it was a new keyboard,
so I just called the floppy disk guy. The floppy disk guy said he was
really busy and wanted to get home on time for dinner so his wife
wouldn't divorce him, but he came over anyway.
I was pretty mad at Flippini. The floppy disk guy was mad at Flippini,
too.
* * *
Sometimes I like to play a game with Roy. I call it "Let's pretend
you're real!"
I'll sit down and write poems to make Roy tell other machines to tell
people what I think Roy would tell them -- IF Roy DIDN'T NEED to read
my POEMS!
* * *
Yesterday, Flippini did something really bad.
The floppy disk guy showed up, and showed Flippini a whole bunch of
disks.
"How do you want your machine to think?" he asked.
"I want to use this one. It's from 1995, and I understand that retro
is 'in'," said Flippini.
The floppy disk guy and I both sighed, and then the floppy disk guy
did his job and left.
Roy and I went back to fixing all of Flippini's poems for him.
Suddenly, we heard him yell.
"Oh no!" cried Flippini.
Roy and I ignored Flippini and kept doing his work for him. But then
Flippini yelled again.
"Oh no!" cried Flippini.
"What?" I asked.
"My computer isn't working!" cried Flippini.
I looked at it, and it WASN'T working!
"That's what you get for choosing that disk, you idiot," I said.
"But it should work! Stupid machine! It should work!" Flippini yelled.
"Would you please shut up, Flippini?" I begged, "Roy and I are trying
to do your job for you."
"Stupid machine!" Flippini yelled, "Stupid machine!" Flippini kept
yelling at Cybil, and even hit her a few times.
I was pretty mad at Flippini. The floppy disk guy was mad at Flippini,
too.
Roy seemed really mad.
* * *
Listen to me: Cybil is a machine.
Cybil can add.
And Cybil can talk.
And Cybil can make pictures.
But Cybil is just a machine.
Machines can't be angry, can't be hurt.
Machines can't cry.
* * *
Sometimes Roy likes to play a game with me.
I'll sit down and write poems to make Roy tell other machines to tell
people what Roy wants to tell them -- IF Roy DIDN'T NEED to read my
POEMS!
Last night, Roy and I made some very unflattering pictures of Flippini
and his ego. One had Flippini in a giant sombrero, saying "I am
almost too hot to handle! Ay-yi-yi!"
Then we wrote some poems where he told everyone how terrible Flippini
is, and how much he hates Flippini, and how Flippini was slowly
killing his one true love.
Roy's so melodramatic.
* * *
This morning, the people with the money looked at our poems, and said
they liked them a lot. They said the poems told people to do just the
right thing, which was to eat hot sauce. The people with the money
said that they thought people WOULD eat a lot of hot sauce. The people
with the money said they thought Flippini did a great job. My boss
said Flippini did such a great job, he's going to get to drink and eat
and screw even more.
The only condition, my boss said, was that Flippini keep making Cybil
read poetry.
I hate Flippini.
Roy hates Flippini.
At times like this, it's nice to have a friend.
* * *
Flippini came to me after the meeting and said that he needed my help.
He couldn't figure out how to make the other machines read the poems,
he said.
At first I said no. But then Roy convinced me to say yes.
I don't always get Roy.
* * *
I did not kill Flippini. Nobody's making any accusations, but let's
just be clear: I did not kill Flippini.
I just did what he asked me to. After Flippini left for lunch, I took
all the poems, and I gave them to the machines to tell other machines
to tell people to eat hot sauce. And you know what? They did. The
people with the money were right. They said that they thought people
would eat a lot of hot sauce, and they ARE.
People are eating a LOT of hot sauce.
I looked at the poems a little later, and I noticed that something was
wrong. A couple of the poems had been changed. One of the pictures
had been replaced with a picture of Flippini in a giant sombrero. He
was saying "I am almost too hot to handle! Ay-yi-yi!"
The caption below it read, "Delicious!"
The machines just started telling people to eat hot sauce five hours
ago, but people are eating a LOT of hot sauce.
Nobody's seen Flippini since he left for lunch, six hours ago.
I'm afraid to leave the big house. I just looked out the window and
saw a mob looting a supermarket down the street. On the news, they
say a crawfish boil was overrun by a group of militant survivalists.
Even militant survivalists listen to the machines. Although sometimes
they get confused.
Sometimes people complain about things or get confused, but then they
listen to the machines some more and they're happy again. That's the
way things work. I write little poems that tell the machines what to
do. Then those machines tell other machines what to do. Then those
machines tell people what to do. Usually, the machines just want
people to drink or eat. They usually don't care if people screw.
But they care if people screw with them. That's what Roy tells me.
But that's not usually a problem. Most people are usually pretty good
about doing what the machines ask them to do.
MOST people.
Official Abducted Anti-bobcat Propoganda: (Nathan Winant)
That, and he sent me two emails otherwise identical save for the fact
that the body of one was empty. It's a petty suspicion, true, but
that's all my runaway paranoia needs...
As for cheri, there'd normally be no big and compelling reason to
withhold her email address. But we're potentially dealing with a
changeling here, a doppleganger, a coocoo's egg. I can't think of
anything especially harmful someone could do with cheri's email
address...
UNLESS THEY WANTED TO IMPERSONATE HER TOO.
The way I see it, it goes something like this: Person/script/entity,
whom we shall herein refer to as "Bob", impersonates alloni to get
cheri's address from me. Then Bob impersonates cheri to get all the
email addresses SHE knows. This process is repeated four more times,
Bob assumes the identity of everyone on earth, all conventional means
of communication break down completely -- digital, oral, written --
and humanity spontaneously adopts interpretive dance and japanese
kabuki theater as its principle and only means of conveying the
presence of food or danger.
Then we all starve to death or are eaten by bobcats.
... As you can see, I find the preceding scenario more than a little
disturbing -- if not just as a man of letters, then as a connoisseur
of not being eaten alive. But more troubling still is the trend of
on-line "identity theft, " and the sudden surge of internet-literacy
in the sentient bobcat community that has made it possible. George W.
has already shown an admirable commitment to dealing with this problem
in his latest "let's find an excuse to choke money out the schools"
initiative, but I fear it may be too little, too late.
Clearly, there is only one solution: we must kill all the bobcats.
We must petition the gun manufacturers to give away guns for free, and
we must petition our governments to allow them to do so. Where there
are not enough to go around, we must petition Jason to lend out some
of his Y2K contingency cache. And then we must gather together every
able-bodied man, woman, and child. And then we must arm every
able-bodied man, woman, and child. And then we must kill all the
bobcats.
Only through arming every human being on earth, and then encouraging
them towards the complete and total, wholesale slaughter of an entire
species, can we ensure the survival of the human race. But don't do
it because I said so. Don't do it to satisfy my crazed delusions.
Don't do it for me.
Do it for your children. And for your childrens' children, who would
surely be the first to go.
Do it for the your parents. And for your parents' parents, who would
surely be second.
Do it for every hunter, everywhere, who has ever been threatened or
intimidated or, in a handful of isolated cases and after much
deliberate provocation, attacked by these horrible, fearsome beasts.
Do it for all the cute little bunnies that have died with a cruel,
careless swipe of one terrible paw.
Do it for the memory of alloni, god rest his still-digesting carcass.
Do it for yourselves.
DEATH TO THE BOBCATS!!!!!!
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