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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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A chaotic interpretive dance version of Wilde's Salome? In the spirit
of the original work? I don't know what kind of crack I was smoking in
my sleep.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm smoking more crack than you. This just happened as I read this
email. As I get up to get a drink, my monitor goes blank. I think
"Fuck, my video drivers are screwing up again!" Only to realize that
it was _my_ finger on the power button and I had turned off the
monitor via my subconscious.
-Jason
Does it sound kinky? If so, it's probably delightful.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Women with a y chromosome (shouldn't that be what womyn is?) don't
have a uterus, and therefore don't have periods. Since I am having
mine right now I will happily mail you one of my used tampons.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Remind me to dial you up when my plans for European domination begin
to take off. The Revolution could use some thinkers such as yourself.
-Nathan Winant
You bring the ammo. I'll pack the sack lunches.
-Nathan Winant
And TheMan loves you, too. We're all one big, systematized family.
-Nathan Winant
Holy cow! By this reasoning... If we could somehow give people _no_
food... They wouldn't reproduce at all!
-Nathan Winant
I will never get the hang of this. But I can diagram a sentence. Oh
yes, I can diagram a sentence. Won't THAT pay the bills.
-Mary Hodges
What does not intrigue me:
That you let a bottle of water sit out.
That you drank out of it.
That it tastes like ear wax.
That the opening is to big to fit in the ear canal.
What intrigues me:
You know what ear wax tastes like.
-Jason
Yes, i am a mouse in Queen of the Universe clothing.
-Mary Hodges
I know what you need. Pot. Pot, a hooker and lots of alcohol. First,
get a REALLY BIG blender...
-Jason
I might be an amoeba for all you know.
-Mary Hodges
Yeah, yeah. That doesn't make it any less fun to make snide comments
though. *sigh*
-Josh Smith
Oops. Sorry. Snide away.
-Mary Hodges
But from the previews, it looked like they disarmed the Angels. Now
they're vulnerable to all sorts of molestation. Actually, maybe I
WILL see it.
-Josh Smith
Horse penis = ow.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Bush Wins at 2:17 AM. The Age of Darkness is nigh.
-Chris Wayne
They never tell you that History In The Making is so
slooooooooooooow.....
-Nathan Winant
Are you trying to tell us something, Mr. Cwayne? Do YOU like to dress
up in frilly things?
-Mary Hodges
I don't see the point, myself. Never have. It's one of my charms.
Only one of the many cosmic ineffable charms I have, charms that would
overcome the pull of gravity were it not for the fact that I dampen
them to avoid being crushed by several billion people all rushing me
at once at accelerations gration grater greater than 9.8 m/s/s. Even
dampened, they're pretty strong. After all, I OWN YOU ALL I mean I am
a fairly public figure on this mailing list, among other places.
-Alloni Kramer
If wishes were fishes I'd walk to France. No reason. Wanna see the
Louvre.
-Alloni Kramer
Sleep well and dream of large artichokes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am a darkling hedonist, so my opinion may be biased.
-Chris Wayne
Ever watch her show? I saw one where she was making Rice Krispie
squares with a couple of kids. Possibly one of the most kid-friendly
kitchen projects that exists. It took less than a minute for her to
decide that they were doing it wrong. She took over and made, of
course, absolutely perfect Rice Krispie squares, while the kids just
basically watched. And then they were sent back to the basement.
Decorative Children. It's a Good Thing.
-Chris Wayne (re: martha stewarrrrrt)
I hate those slick and smarmy used-diamond salesmen, too.
-Chris Wayne
I wouldn't exactly call what most of us have shared "romance".
-Chris Wayne
AFter much diligence plumbing the depths of ultimate geektitude...
...the PS2 is mine. O yes, it is mine.
-Khanh Nguyen (i say we steal his)
WOOHOO!!! I've got a beer gut! been skinny as a rake for 26 years, and
in my 27th I not only get sex, but a belly too!!!!
-Funky J
quote from this morning's dream: "They best way to clean up after a
really messy session of anal sex is fiberglass."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (we _don't_ want to know)
you are being naughty bunnies
Did you expect us to be non-naghty bunnies or to be naughty
non-bunnies?
-Tweed 'n Jennifer
You know, every so often I'll hit a picture like the one at the top of
http://www.multicians.org/palyn-report.html, and I'll realize: all I
really want is a hot momma who can code. Is that so wrong?
-Nathan Winant
General Law of Universal Truth #22421 -- Jennifer Lynn Larkin will be
allergic to any and all substances unless the substance is so uncommon
that chances for encounter are nigh impossible. Any given JLL will
remain allergic unless outside forces act upon it, rendering it dead
or senseless.
-ghostxxx
I spoke with him briefly. I told him that I didn't feel that there was
enough votes for him in florida, so I had my people help him out a
little. I wish I hadn't advised them to do so though. Gnomes are so
unpredictable. I thought this would have been over by now.
-ghostxxx
(sigh) sometimes I wish i were a guy
-Mary Hodges
There is a disturbance in the Matrix and I'm all out of migraine
pills.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't make me smack you in a bad way, Nathan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You suck all the good fortune out of the universe.
-Chris Wayne
People are often happy to see me too, but I don't think my presence
has ever induced spontaneous fits of spanking.
-Chris Wayne
So, at a conservative estimate, in the 10,000 or so days in my life so
far, I'd say I've had about around 50,000 to 100,000 erections total.
Probably many, many more. Actually, now that I think about, it's kind
of surprising that the brain ever gets any blood at all....
-Chris Wayne
You still have a chance to redeem yourself though. I bought a ticket
on the subterranean time machine located under 6th street at Joe's
Generic Bar. You can travel back, give me a call and we can decide on
a place to meet, making this entire weekend different. Its in your
hands now. Use it wisely.
-ghostxxx
I'm sure glad there weren't any shiny objects in my voting booth.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny. What was I saying?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm certain you would have just as much fun with your very own
japanese raver girl.
-Khanh Nguyen
What's a little gruesome dismemberment between friends?
-Chris Wayne
We're talking about me here. I mean, don't you guys already associate
me with spanking?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Have you ever noticed huge dung piles or walls knocked over near your
desk? If so, your building could have an elephant infestation. You
better call an exterminator.
-Chris Wayne
Getting fat is on par with losing your virginity??? Truly Australia is
a land of wonders.
-Chris Wayne
I'm still glad I don't have a uterus. They're high-maintenance.
-Chris Wayne
Anyone watch the recent TV miniseries "In the Beginning..."? The book
was better.
-Chris Wayne
And we all know how much I like my cervix, right? Whole nations are
fond of My Cervix, albeit small nations. My Cervix is worshipped in
several religions and has been nominated for cannonization three
times! Damn Pope. My Cervix is so popular that all those people who
voted twice did so because they were confused by the lack of
"Jennifer's Cervix" anywhere on the ballot. Hundreds of elderly
Floridian women were seen fleeing voting booths in terror after
realizing that My Cervix was going to get less votes than George W.
Bush. My cervix is the reason that the Jews steal my uterus once a
month-- it's for their Jennifer's Cervix worshipping ceremonies! It's
hard you know, what with My Cervix gone several days of each month and
so many people wanting to pay their respects in person while I do have
it. Life with the Holy Cervix can really be rough, but it's worth it.
My Cervix is its own reward.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
nothing gets past these squinty eyes.
-Khanh Nguyen
Ready the cervix cannon!
-Josh Smith
special announcement: I have socks.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
First my alien bendy was getting an anal probe. The he was fuckin my
devil duckie doggy-style. Now the devil duckie's giving him a blow
job. It's sad when the inanimate objects on top of my monitor at work
are getting more action than I am.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
There has been a horrible disturbance in the Matrix, as if a million
tribbles cried out, and were suddenly silenced by a falling monolith.
-Jonathan Mayer
My grandmother always felt it was important to burden children with
entirely too much information.
-Chris Wayne
A side note, on the 700 Club yesterday a women was asking Pat for
advice on her cross-dressing husband who was diagnosed with an extra
X, to which Pat replied that it was natural and everybody has his
thing. After a couple minutes of stammering about personal
proclivities, he concluded that somewhere in Leviticus it said that
cross-dressing was a sin.
-Baabaa
Heresy! We worship Cthulhu to bring about the Anarcho-Nihilistic
Eschaton! We crave the chaos, the madness, the pain, and the death
which His return will so righteously bring! But above all, more than
anything, we like the hats! And the robes! They're quite nice really!
-Chris Wayne
Nice try. I will remain quite happy behind the bunker in my apt.
-Mary Hodges
A sleeping bag, three pillows, and a couple of sofa cushions is hardly
a bunker. But if you think that'll stop us, go ahead.... Them. I meant
them. Clearly I didn't mean us. Us would imply that I'm involved, and
that's just silly, now isn't it? I know nothing.
-Chris Wayne
Let me tell YOU, Jimmy the Greek had some _big_corn_, if you know what
I mean.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Settler, it is what's for dinner tonight.
-Gark Sommer
Aha! I knew it! Potatoes DO grow on trees!!
-Mary Hodges
There's green goo held in place by a plastic container in my fridge.
Sure I created it but, it now freaks me out and I don't know what to
do with it.
-Selene
Besides, in my current scruffy state I look like Booger from Revenge
of the Nerds.
-Garth
Damn! The magic 8 Ball says that I'm not going to have satisfying sex
this week. Of course, it also says that my head is definitely going to
explode on Thursday, which could explain why I'm not going to have
satisfying sex this week.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
What do you think Jesus was passing around when he told people to "eat
of my flesh?" (hint: it wasn't bread.)
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I asked it if I shold kill myself and it said "outlook good." I asked
it if i shold move to Seattle and it said "reply hazy." Which is
obviously the reason I am going to kill myself.
-Mary Hodges
People, the possibilities are endless when it comes to green goo!
-Mary Hodges
60% of Australia's internet access through a single manhole cover my
ass.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Of course I do, darling. As Queen of the Universe and benevolent
Mother of All Life, I love all creatures. Come, let us populate a
planet together. I'll even let you name it.
-Mary Hodges
Gee, such flattery. "You aren't male." Now THAT will bowl any girl
over.
-Mary Hodges
Gratuitous sex with jm. and Mary until we die of old age? That sounds
like a good plan to me. When do we start?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I learned some frightening things at lunch. Unfortunately, I'm sworn
to secrecy. But let me just tell you that it has something to do with
fetish play involving pudgy men and small traditional German folk
dresses.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (worrisome)
Canada Needs Your Sperm!
-Chris Wayne
you're not a goth are you? because then I'll have to place you on my
"blocked senders" list, and delete all the wonderful rauncy email
(with attachments!) I was going to send you, and find another long
distance lover... UNLESS... you're a really cute goth. Anyone who's
cute deserves my attention.
-Funky J
I'm able to execute a very small part of my world domination plans.
I've been chosen for Jury Duty. Now, to act as normal as possible to
ensure that I'm picked for a case...
-Jason (good luck)
Perhaps I need to take a road-trip into the deep south or the bible
belt to realize how narrow-minded and intolerant Americans really
are...
-Trevor Walton
That's why I have to read up on all that bible stuff... morals and all
that crap. I would have said yes, it should be illegal, just for the
chance to wow the other jurors in the deliberation room with stories
about that time I was drunk/high, fucking a 8yr old Asian girl while
chanting satanic nursery rhymes. But sodomy is wrong.
-Jason
Ahhh, ghostie...how I've missed your hatred.
-Mary Hodges
Don't you get it? None of us are people. We're interchangeable
electronic parts on a crazy internet calideoscope. I'm not even awake
when I type these messages.
-Jonathan Mayer
Women are fighting over me? *blink blink* Please remember to put an
identifier in the subject line for such messages. Something like
"Attn: JM-JM -- torrid erotic fantasy" or "I am pregnant with your
love monkey child". That way I'll be sure not to miss it. "Bat-faced
boy goes to college!" "Mary Hodges will taste my thisles!" That kind
of thing.
-Jonathan Mayer
I'm assembly code.
-Khanh Nguyen
Did I ... actually attempt to have a serious discussion on this list?
I'm so sorry.
-Jonathan Mayer
I'll bet you dollars to donuts (the good ones we have in canada not
your crummy fried bread you statians try to pass off as donuts) that
at least one superhero out there has a permenant, however invisible,
layer of the stuff coating them. that would also explain why their
hair always stays in place and they never experience wind burn even
when flying at god knows what speed in the coldest weather. Oh, it
_all_ makes sense now.
-Selene (vaseline)
You're the 2nd person who's mentioned play doh today and it's
_creeping_ me out because I had teh most disguisting dream about it
last night where I was going to make it for some of my friends and the
recipe called for things where salt was the only non repulsive
ingredient. We'll leave it at that.
-Selene
I need some humility in my life. Marries well with the self inflicted
melodramatic tragedy.
-Khanh Nguyen
our attention deficits average 3 emails at best, then the subject
turns to either monkeys, sodomy or gnomes.
-ghostxxx
Did you realize Schwartzkopf begins with Schwa?
-Alloni Kramer
William the Conqueror can conquer me anytime.
-Mary Hodges
but we're not dumb... well, *I'm* not dumb... ... Ok, so the worlds
doomed.
-Funky J
So, three IS a God, s/he is a cunt, but to everyone.
-Funky J
I don't know what the heck you just said, but nothing turns me on like
a tidal wave of information.
-Mary Hodges
You really shouldn't make fun of your nose, sweetie. It might do you
in one day.
-Mary Hodges
You're just doing this to get a rise out of me and it won't work. You
see, I don't have a penis so I have a strap-on and it's always
sticking out so it doesn't have an opportunity to rise, so you can't
get a rise out of me and you are totally foiled! At least, I couldn't
quite reach you with the Orbital Mind Control lasers so I assume
you're foiled.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Space is nice. Sometimes it's chilly and a bit foggy, and it's usually
hard to breathe there but heck-- not breathing is fun or people
wouldn't die of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'll be your president Mary.... president of Llurrrrrrvvvvee
-Funky J
I seriously doubt that it will degenerate to the point of the entire
list determining that one of us is an immature idiot. I mean, anymore
than they already think that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
i knew someone who knew someone and that someone that the someone i
knew knew kept mocking their nose. and it just so happened that the
nose happened to like itself and it got sick of the constant putting
down. cause, you see, with us, if we don't like our nose we like
something else. but if a _nose_ doesn't like it's nose what else does
it have right? so the nose got real pissed and fed up and finally,
one day, it decided to just clog itself to show how powerful it was.
so it called on the flagela thingies for help and clogged and the
someone who the someone i knew knew couldn't understand why their nose
was always clogged and that just made them like it even more. so that
the someone would go around saying "not only is my nose ugly but it's
always clogged! my nose sucks!" in a real nasal voice of course.
and then the nose got even madder so that it got real stressed and we
all know what happens when noses get stressed...nose bleed! they
finaly got it all worked out though. body image for the someone known
by the someone i know and therapy for the nose; turned out it's
parents beated it or something. a lot of pent up rage one way or the
other.
-Selene
What AllonI doesn't know is that were secretly switch the pretty girls
with pre-op transsexuals. Let's watch to see what happens.
-Jason
Today at work I discovered myself quietly singing the refrain from the
Fleetwood Mac song "The Chain". In case you're not familiar:
If you don't love me now,
then you will never love me again.
I can still hear you saying
we will never break the chain.
The only thing is that I was replacing the phrase "break the chain"
with "rape the dead". Ah, the wondrous machinations of my mind.
-Chris Wayne
As usual, blame the French. And the Jews. Especially French Jews.
-Chris Wayne
Hey, why limit yourself? Some of the best sex I've ever had happened
while I was asleep.
-Chris Wayne
My problem is YOU.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In honor of my gruesome, blood-spattered entry into this world some 26
years ago, I grant you all the day off! Enjoy!
-Nathan Winant
I want my monkey.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No, i'm fond of fresh-squeezed pork rinds. They're so perky, i love
that.
-Khanh Nguyen
Just be careful not to become a black hole and suck in the earth when
you implode, missy!
-Gark Sommer
Official Abducted Monkeyplot: (Nathan Winant)
Uhm, look at these excerpts for a second:
``When we initially conceived the idea of using monkey brain
signals to control a distant robot across the Internet, we were not
sure how variable delays in signal transmission would affect the
outcome...it worked out beautifully,'' said Srinivasan.
``It was as if the monkey had a 600-mile-long virtual arm.''
Miguel Nicolelis, a professor of neurobiology at Duke, said the
system offered hope of restoring some motor function for
paralyzed patients.
Uhm, I've got a question. If this research is intended to help develop
prosthetic limbs AS THEY CLAIM... then why the fuck are they making
such a big deal over the fact that the robot arm was SIX HUNDRED MILES
AWAY???
Are they just scientists with too much fucking time on their hands?
Are they actually bored with this project? Is the development of
brain-interface machines so trivial to them that they feel the need to
randomly add extraneous variables?
Are they trying to develop an army of killer monkeymechs under remote
guidance from the nation's cripples?
Are they going to develop detacheable, roving prosthetics so that
people will deliberately chop off their own limbs to line up for
replacements? Is this an attempt to get revenge on the insurance
industry, or are they simply going to load cookies onto the limbs and
sell the aggregate marketing data? Is this part of a project to wire
the human body for TCP/IP? Will brain-interface prosthetic protocol
(BIPP) be supported in IE6?
... WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Official Abducted Arguement Against Paranoia: (Chris Wayne)
Alloni Kramer wrote:
>You can _never_ be paranoid enough.
That's just what they -want- you to think. You just sit and you wait
for them to attack you. You know they're watching, always watching,
watching your every move, waiting for that one opening, that one
moment of weakness, that one moment of carelessness. But the attack
never comes. Years you've waited, ever vigilant, ever on the
defensive, but the attack never comes. But you know they've been
watching. Always watching. Haven't they? That man in the park, the one
with the cell phone, you know you've seen him before. But where?
Beirut? Sao Paolo? Reykjavk? Starbucks? And that old woman at the
laundromat, she seemed to take such special interest in your spin
cycle. Didn't she? But now you're not so sure. Now you begin to doubt.
How could you be so sure they're watching you? What if those people,
all those people! What if they were staring at you, not because they
were watching you, no! What if they were staring at you because you
were ACTING LIKE A PARANOID FREAK?? And then it dawns on you! You've
been a fool! All these years, all alone, trusting no one, confiding in
no one, all those years, those wasted, pathetic years, so alone, so
alone.... And for what??? Waiting for an imagined assault from an
imagined enemy! Foolishness!!! What could you have been thinking? It's
so ridiculous, how foolish you've been. Finally, after so long, you
can breathe that sigh of relief, the tears start streaming down your
cheeks, you begin to chuckle at your idiocy, your laughter reaching a
fevered crescendo as you relax....
....And -THEN- they attack.
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