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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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You know, there might just be something sadder than a sad Japanese
man-- a sad klezmer band.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
how about molecular-scale cameras engineered into little nano suit
armor for ants. You activate like a plateful of it with the "special
yeast" They assemble halfway, have like little legs...they crawl until
they find ants, then fuse borglike to unwitting host. Little
spying-eye-horsefly camera dealies. You could put en into the'
pentagon, keep track of 'em via packet radio.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
Do you think Cthulu would eat me for making a jell-o mold in his
image? Like, more than he would eat me if I _didn't_ make a jell-o
mold in his image? Is there a "Thou shalt not make unto thee any
graven jell-o molds" rule?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Girl I Wanna Fuck?
Gyroscopic Iridescent Waterbound Fruitbat?
Government Implant Without Function?
Ghastly Introverted Waitress Fondler?
Given Inch, Want Furlong?
Garth Is Wonderfully Fragrant?
Garish Ichy Wool Frock?
Grumble, I Want Food?
-Garth (explanations for GIWF)
There's an outside world?
-Jason
And why do they use large corkscrews as surgical implements in the
future?
-Josh Smith
Another missed opportunity... ...to talk to your child about the
Abducted list.
-Josh Smith
What would you recommend we tell the children? I don't have kids, so
would cruising around in my car asking youngster if they would like to
be on the abducted list be ok?
-Johnston Reezor
I can't help it if people are crazy. I didn't make them that way. OK,
well, I made *some* of them that way but most of them were broken long
before I got a hold of them.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It never ceases to amaze me how you are always the first person to
respond to your own posts.
-ghostxxx (re: jennifer)
Try comparing a hard determinist and a soft determinist someday.
What's the most important difference? The hard determinist makes a
better porn star. *rimshot*
-Josh Smith
I never even signed a lease. I could pack up and move out tonight.
hmmm.... nah, too lazy. Maybe tomorrow.
-Chris Wayne
I'll be the frickin queen of abducted and not in a drag sort of way.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Just make sure you wear pants. I'll never make that mistake again.
A lone, solemn tear quietly rolls down Nathan's cheek. A tear... of
memory.
-Garth 'n Nathan
Oh come off it you little tease. You got your damn lolly-pop, didn't
you?
-Garth
lolly-pop...what a cute pet name for "little Garth".
-Gark Sommer
You bad, bad man! I told you the rate was 25 cents and a lollipop...
BUT ALL YOU GAVE ME WAS A LOLLIPOP AND A QUARTER!
-Nathan Winant
Your evaluation sounds lascivious. "16-30 points: You are a soft- core
libertarian. With effort, you may harden and become pure."
-Josh Smith
My brain is thinking without my awareness. Interesting.
-will.
anybody wanna be mah love monnnkeeeee?
No, but if you can handle a love pangolin, or a love tenrec, or a love
binturong, let me know.
-Jennifer 'n Dr. Von Obnox
I'll be your love bonobo. But that would technically make me a great
ape.
-Josh Smith
I personally like how we have Bush and Dick as running mates in this
election.
-Josh Smith
Fake your own death. It's the best way to get out of just about
anything.
-will.
I think everyone else should be killed apart from me and about 100
females, and we should start again.
-Funky J (don't we all, man)
So you think selling air would be a good idea?
-Garth
I'll have you know, they love me in the nether regions.
-Garth (like france)
I sense a long pointless arguement in the works.
-Garth
What is the point of using men to get free dinner if the dinner isn't
even free? Bah. BAHBAHBAH! Feh.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Whether or not he has his head up my ass is irrelevant since I
wouldn't notice unless I didn't really want it to be there. There are
some things that I don't mind having in my ass. (I'm going for out of
context quote there, in case you didn't notice.)
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
See if your ass hair can be read like a bar code?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
muahaha, scan thyself in all thy heavenly glory!
-ghostxxx
DAMNATION! SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD ME! Must be less comprehensible.
-Alloni Kramer
Yes, my sexual preferences are an open book to you all. I can go into
detail if you like. (Screams of NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! from
the audience.)
-Alloni Kramer
I will fight you in the head.
-Tweed
And I want to be a fairy princess, too. Sadly, this seems to be more
realistic than working with open source software.
-Nathan Winant
Someone vandalized the McDonald's drive-thru menu near UC with the
words "ANIMAL TORTURE." So, being the green PETA softie I am, I
ordered a Big Mac with extra torture.
-Josh Smith
The spirits of my long-dead ancestors will torment your rice pudding.
-Josh Smith
Whatever race evolves after we're gone can thank our stupidity for
their existance.
-Garth
"3 out of 4 people prefer Nads" "...special video, 'How to get the
best results from your Nads." Maybe nads, doesn't mean the same in
Australia as it does here.
-Garth
Monkeys! For EVERYONE!
-Garth
You are right, extortion is a good bussiness tactic.
-Garth
Afraid of a little SNOW? It's not such a big deal....and there aren't
nearly as many snow sharks as there used to be.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
What could be bigger than Hondurans?
Superultramegahondurans?
-Alloni 'n Chris
Which makes me want to vote for Gore. Anyone who can turn cold, hard
math into cute, warm, fuzzy math just has to make a good president.
-Chris Wayne
I will vomit chocolate and make you like it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I ain't afraid of nothin. Snow, however, I fear like the very dickens.
(Brandish a copy of great expectations at me if you wanna watch me
whimper.)
-Alloni Kramer
Your genetals will vibrate to the rythm of my waterpick.
-ghostxxx
piss, you monkey loving swine, piss!
-ghostxxx
One shiney new Monkey! How much would YOU pay? Don't answer yet,
because we are throwing in a complete set of marmosets for FREE!
-Garth
Oo. I found a goth clothing store online called Drac-in-a-Box.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I don't mean Blood-Sucking Honduran Goth Marmosets, I can tell you
that!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
actually, its genetic. Malaysians are presdisposed to have credit card
problems.
-ghostxxx (new stereotypes - that's what we're here for)
Voters are now a minority in this country.
And so, in the interest of democracy, we should follow the majority?
-Josh 'n Chris
Maybe it's just me, but there's something... scarier... about ghx
lately.
-Nathan Winant
Welcome to the majority vote. Sure glad you guys are right, and we've
nothing to worry about. 'Course, I'm a drunk with a dead-end life and
no kids. I really DO have nothing to worry about. But man... I hate
it for everyone who cares, and thinks they have a future, and hopes
that Greater Minds will protect them in the tradition of their
parents. They are sooooooo due for an ass-fucking.
-"Wes"
Blah blah blah poignant stuff.
-"Wes"
Well, it's official. I am the anti-Josh. As it was foretold.
-Chris Wayne
Where did you THINK I developed my political consciousness?
Gilligan's Island laid the foundation, and Akira built the edifice.
-"Wes"
All right, then I'm the almost-anti-Josh. Meaning that the universe
wouldn't implode if we met, but it would definitely contract a little
bit. There would be cosmic shrinkage.
-Chris Wayne
You are smoking so much off-brand crack today that it is truly
frightening.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You knew Garth's sister's mom's obgyn?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin ('s second cousin's former roommate)
Nicest compliment I've ever recieved! Apart from : My God! I've never
seen one so big!!!
-Funky J (one what? apartment? sheepdog? what?)
God damn, if all governments used helicopter rocket attacks on people
who were murdered, I'm sure the crime rate would go down bigtime!!!
-Funky J
It'd better be faux-lemur. No one messes with lemurs on my turf.
-Alloni Kramer
I am the prettiest girl in school.
-Nathan Winant
I was thinking more along the lines of having Bill Gates' love child.
Can anyone say palimony? Sure the kid would be the antichrist, but I
would be set, right?
-Mary Hodges
We just like talking to.. um, about penises. Or is that Peni?
-Jason
Kudos, alloni! Your latest plan for the extermination of the jewish
people is breathtakingly elegant. I applaud you, sir!
-Nathan Winant
What do you have against faux-lemurs? They're nearly extinct you know.
I only shot three on my last hunting trip.
-Garth
I know I sound like my parents, but what the FUCK is up with teenagers
these days? Why are they so ready to pull a trigger? Why is it that
the slightest thing is an offense against their very fiber and they
feel they need to kill another person to fix it?
-ghostxxx (we need a depressing thought now and again)
So the answer to everything is: be a fantastic lover.
-Mary Hodges
Either way, it's only two fifty (he said smiling coquettishly)
-Terence P. Higgins
Not with a bang... ... but a collapse of the vacuum. Or a gamma-ray
burst. Or a reversal of the earth's magnetic field. Or a particle
accelerator mishap. Or a nanotechnology disaster. Or mass insanity.
Or...
-Nathan Winant
So far I've only come up with two compelling uses for the cuecat:
1.) blinding home intruders at very close range.
- and -
2.) daisy-chaining ten or twenty of them together, hooking them up to
a power supply, and hanging them like xmas lights (or wearing them
like a necklace).
-Nathan Winant
If you care... Which you don't. No one cares about me or my site. You
are all the same. "Jason, I'll be your friend if you run naked
through the mall." "Jason, I'll be your friend if you smash your hand
with this hammer." "Naked Hammer Boy" they shouted.
-Jason
I like the south, I genuinely do. But every so often, I just have to
shake my head. I Saw an suv in traffic today with two bumper stickers,
both prominently featuring the confederate flag.
One read: "Heritage, not hatred."
The other: "If I'd known this would happen, I would've picked my _own_
cotton."
-Nathan Winant
If you've got great sex, what more do you need? Geez! Men!
-Mary Hodges
I'm all for massive volcanic eruptions that target folk singers.
-Nathan Winant
Indy folk singers write cloyingly witless, uninformed tunes about
bioengineered crops. These tunes rapidly circulate the internet as
novelties among bioengineers and are played relentless in labs and
greenhouses -- where they slowly mutate new species of crops. These
crops are eventually raised in huge quantities and consumed by all
segments of the population, corrupting the minds and tastes of our
unborn. Within a generation, folk music is the most popular form of
entertainment in human history. And that's why napster will destroy
civilization.
-Nathan Winant
We aim at your head! I mean, to please!
-Alloni Kramer
You can now be paranoid that you aren't being paranoid enough.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
hey.......I heard that! I wasn;'t just the voices this time!!
-Mary Hodges
OK Jen, I've changed my work's webpage from flash to javascript thru
dreamweaver... will you be my girlfriend now?
-Funky J (we do it all for jenn)
That was some time ago, and I don't think anyone got a picture... But
I'd be happy to dig up those, oh so painful, memories to reenact it
for your enjoyment.
-Jason
I once saw an SUV with those Firestone tires that explode. I followed
them for about 20 minutes only to be let down.
-Jason
Your argument is scaring the birds out of the cornfield.
-Josh Smith
Just for fun, I'll say yes. But I don't really mean it. Or do I?
-Josh Smith
I'm only paranoid because they _are_ out to get me... and I'm stoned!
-Funky J
Dude, she's trying to keep you on the line! They're tracing the call!
Hang up! HANG UP!
-Nathan Winant
Get out of here you ol Loch Ness Monster!
-Garth
I think the world is already crazy. I know you are. :P
-Garth
The Matrix is out there. The truth is out there. Brawny Paper Towels
are the quicker, picker-upper. If Oscar Mayer was a women, would we
have hot dogs?
-Jason
I have yet to make this theory work for physical objects... For days
I've been wanting an orange not to exist and it still sits there,
mocking me. Fucking orange, it's screwing up my theory of reality.
-Jason
I'm not talking about women. I'm talking about steak!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Would you people STOP putting worries in my head??
-Mary Hodges
Good lord! Fear will mutate it?? Fear mutates things???? Gak! So if I
fear my pencil, it will turn into a machete and hop my head off? ACK!
-Mary Hodges
L.A. is... L.A. is like dating a coke-addled stripper. You'll go
through a hell of a lot of money just to get soul-fucked in the end,
and therein lies its allure. That, and I understand they have pretty
nice weather.
-Nathan Winant
YOU CAN'T ALL DIE... not before I get to screw at least ONE of you!!!
-Funky J
And when I say that I agree with Josh that does in fact mean that the
end of the world is nigh.
-Garth
Resume squabbling.
-Garth
Armageddon, here I come!
-Nathan Winant
Mmmmmm woman steak, mmmmmm.
-Garth
Traffic lights are a plot conceived by the red Chinese to get people
to spend more total time looking at the color symbolizing communism
than at colors symbolizing greed (or envy), or cowardice. Discuss.
-Josh Smith
They must be communists. Damn. I always forget that's not an insult.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Do strong rocks kill off weak rocks? If so, why aren't diamonds more
plentiful? Why isn't gypsum extinct?
-Chris Wayne
Cthulhu, like The South, will rise again.
-Chris Wayne
The very reasoning behind my doctorates in Sanskrit Epic Poetry,
Advanced Pudding Theory, and Defenestration Aerodynamics.
-Chris Wayne
I was an anomaly that had to be overlooked.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Traffic lights are a plot conceived by the Irish to get people to
react Pavlovianly (it could be a word) to the color green.
-Chris Wayne
I'm going to ignore the cheesedick reference completely and imagine
that you have an enormous wang, okay?
-J Gassaway
Yo go girl! Use that denial!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I don't think many of you people understand the truth of why we
worship Cthulhu. We don't worship Cthulhu because we're bribed with
shiney trinkets. "If I worship Jesus, I won't burn in hell for
eternity after I die!" "If I worship Satan, he'll give me power in
this life!" "If I worship Bill Gates, maybe Windows will crash a
little less frequently!" Weaklings. No, we worship Cthulhu because
it's the right thing to do. Cthulhu will give us nothing for our
worship. Cthulhu doesn't try to buy us. Cthulhu is eternal and
eternally patient. We who seek his return do so simply because we
feel that it is time. That is true faith. And that is why he will
return.
-Alloni Kramer
So, then, you're serious: you're really planning to marry Ayn Rand.
"Darling, will you... join me in a lifelong sociopolitical statement?
Please say yes!"
-Nathan Winant
I think I'm a clone. Does anybody know how I can check?
-Jason
Well, I don't believe in Cthulhu so therefore he doesn't exist!
-Mary Hodges (you keep telling yourself that)
Still, there are a few decent indicators. Do you have any permanent
features that you don't recall having? Birthmarks, scars, wrinkles
that seem to form words, that kind of thing? Inspect yourself
closely. Check places you wouldn't normally see, in particular. Your
back is a favorite place for such things, though they can't make them
too obvious, as they generally don't want their work to be
discoverable as such. Another indicator - many install tracking
systems so they will never lose you - clones are too expensive to be
lost to accident. Have you ever been rescued from peril unexpectedly?
Do radios always seem to be staticky when you're nearby? Do your
memories, particularly of unimportant events, seem hazy? Memory
installation is difficult, so only the ones you are likely to consult
with frequency are put in with any depth, with a sprinkling of random
memories to come up at odd moments for flavor. (It's nearly an art,
that - manufacturing memories that are authentic enough to be believed
by those around you, yet not too expensive to implement.)
-Alloni Kramer
One of the clean rooms is my bedroom. You know what that means. I'll
be having sex in the living room from now on.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Come to think of it, having sex from now on sounds like a damn good
plan to me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Why would I need meth when I have apathy?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's not so surprising if universes are self-replicating organisms,
and require to create intelligent life within themselves to procreate.
-Jonathan Mayer
I like my women with bezier curves...
-Nathan Winant
It's dangerous assignments like this that the space monkey was made
for.
-Jonathan Mayer
Our testes put up with a lot of abuse. They overheat, they get
kicked, tugged, irradiated, licked. It's a rough life. It's amazing
we're not all sterile by the time we're thirty.
-Jonathan Mayer
When will civilized society realize that the only solution is for us
to put the testes of our teenagers in a cryogenically preserved teste
trust. With no hormones distracting them from their studies, our
young can focus on education, fitting into society, getting
interesting and rewarding careers, and paying for social security for
their elders. Your local minister can always return your testes to
you as part of the formal ritual of marriage. Friends don't let
friends do testosterone.
-Jonathan Mayer
You know, the first time I read that I thought you meant that the
cryogenically preserved sperm were studying and paying for the social
security of their elders. I kinda wish I hadn't reread that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Other tell-tale signs: is your life completely devoid of meaning? Has
god been ignoring you?
Why yes. Hmm.
-Jonathan and Josh
"So the next time you sprinkle salt on your food, think of what else
you might be eating." Like I don't already have enough to worry about
without the constant threat of my own intestinal Jurassic Park.
-Chris Wayne
Fortunately I maintain a small army of stick-wielding teddy bears in
my employ for just such an occasion. Besides, you'll be screwed when
the plastic-eating bacteria decide to go on a high-protein diet.
-Chris Wayne
Considering that this is coming from Josh, I will of course need to
conduct my own experiments. I'll need maybe 40 test subjects, a rusty
hacksaw blade, adhesive nostril plugs, and assorted odoriferous
substances. I'd say $75 million ought to cover administrative costs.
-Chris Wayne
Nice to know someone cares. Not that other people don't care whether I
live or die, it's just that most of them are hoping for the latter.
-Chris Wayne
How does aspirin knows where it hurts? How does a thermos know whether
to stay hot or cold? Practice. Lots and lots of practice. And a
brutal, totally unforgiving training regimen. But mostly practice.
-Chris Wayne
No. That's what your body has aspirin receptors for-- in case we ever
discovered/invented aspirin! Jeez. You should know better than that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Your ascerbic wit protects you from death's pitiless clutches.
-Mary Hodges
It's just common sense. Anyone agreeing with Josh must be joking.
-Chris Wayne
How'd you know I was good source of Vitamin C? I never reveal my
Nutrition Facts tattoo in public. hmm....
-Chris Wayne
Testes. Take a licking and keep on ticking.
-Chris Wayne
Then why the hell am I wasting my day teaching aspirin to jump through
hoops and roll over on command??? Please... please tell me my
thermos-training isn't all in vain as well....
-Chris Wayne
No, actually, the Hindis are responsible for E. Coli. The Jews are
responsible for cancer.
-Alloni Kramer
Your tangy flavor gives you away.
-Mary Hodges
This is funny for those who under how much Quake I played back in the
day. I played so much I had two year gap in my life, that I needed to
ralidate on my resume... "Worked with the Internet gaming community as
an unofficial QuakeWorld Client/Server program tester (1996-1998)."
-Jason
well, my message came back to me, so you must all be in combat
training, preparing to go to war in the middle east... good thing I'm
a old commie and won't get drafted...
-Funky J
so much for bilking the aussies with the rare two dollar bill gambit..
-kl.noc
Don't worry, I have a life now.
Hands anyone who believes this? Anyone? Anyone?
-Jason 'n Alloni
This better be porn.
-Josh Smith
in your pants, anything is possible. Einstein postulated General
Relativity there.
-ghostxxx
As an odd aside: I once used to know a Grissom, she was a niece
(grand-niece?) of Virgil Grissom. One day I stumbled across in article
in Phrack, documents supposedly taken from a 'government server',
which indicated that Virgil Grissom had not in fact died on the
launchpad. He survived and was rushed to a Navy hospital where, in an
attempt to save his life, a number of experimental surgeries were
performed with cutting-edge bionic technology. He survived these
operations and eventually defected. And so, in order to discredit any
claims by him should he surface, or the claims of any witnesses, the
government commissioned a televion program... _The Six Million Dollar
Man_. ... She was not pleased by this when I showed it to her.
-Nathan Winant
My boss just changed his .sig to:
-Brad Brewster
Digital Prostitute
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The Earth is alive. Its goal is for it's biosphere to live on after it
dies. It can accomplish that by sending it to other planets. As such
we are the still imature, genetals of the planet.
-Garth
Snip much venom spewed upon a man who's probably 90 years old and
though maybe less imaginative than us abductees seemed genuine,
intelligent and was probably someones grandfather.
-Garth
Call me a harlot if you will. I kinda like it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's interesting that "visiting prostitutes, taking concubines and
forced sex in marriage" is considered "damaging to property rights".
Any day now, China may just leap right into the 18th century.
-Chris Wayne
Yet another reason I'm glad I don't have a uterus.
-Chris Wayne
Confectioner's sucre taints the blackness of my clothes and of my
heart.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I can do all things through my pants which strengtheneth me.
-Nathan Winant
Remind me to have you brutally killed and hang your head on my wall as
a trophy.
-Alloni Kramer
Do you bear an uncanny resemblance to a rich old man who desperately
needs organ transplants? Do you have a tattoo anywhere on your body
that says "Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited by Federal Law"?
Was your mother a large glass container full of amniotic fluid?
-Chris Wayne
You know it's October when you dream about fucking ghosts.
-Nathan Winant
Your army of ninja must make one hell of a gay orgy.
Ah, memories.
-Jason 'n Alloni
That settles it...the world just can't ever end!
-Mary Hodges
I thought it was because it burns if I squirt you in the eye.
-Chris Wayne
So the beauty part is that you'll probably be dead before the human
race has to choose between extinction or rampant global inbreeding. I
can almost hear the dueling banjoes playing already.
-Chris Wayne
You'll both just have to hold an on-going party. It's for the good of
the world, you know.
-Mary Hodges
I hope that's in Celcius, you freaking non-English measurement using
former-English colony person person.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Are you claiming to be more intimately acquainted with my anatomy than
I? Puh-shaw!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I love my inner plankton.
-Jason
Was he having sex with your grandmother before he was circumcised or
something? Answer carefully.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Is Austin a "quiet man"? I say keep an eye on him and run for the
hills if he shows up at work with a long skinny package wrapped in
butcher's paper.
-Gark Sommer
Time-release ejaculation? Goody for you!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well of course company b wants you. Everybody wants Alloni.
Unfortunately, there's just not enough Alloni to go around.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's difficult to give info to some email tech support guy about a
script in a language you don't know when you aren't exactly sober.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Neat is always better than safe.
-Mary Hodges
Not to mention all the Catholics in South America shooting out babies
like coke lords blasting rounds from their Uzis.
-Josh Smith
Is it normal to dream of nymphic apparitions of the recently deceased?
Do normal people have ideas come to them, wrapped in the guise of a
karmically-prankish darkling hedonist?
-Nathan Winant
Holy smokes! Am I a deviant?
-Nathan Winant
has martha Stewart gotten to you too?
-Mary Hodges
Yes, I'm an idiot.
-Garth (yes, it's out of context. so?)
Does this mean that Funky can legitimately own a rekkid-spinning
manservant?
-Nathan Winant
So, exactly how to I satisfy a Space Monkey craving without actually
encountering any Space Monkeys?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Martha Stewart has nothing to do with this. She's an innocent
bystander. Release her.
-Alloni Kramer
Garth's genius status has been restored.
-Jason
I'll do the Space Monkey wranglin' fer ya, deep freeze that critter
licitly-split, and UPS it to ya. Just don't let that little varmint
thawr out.
-Jason
Women suck. Men suck. I wish I was a dog so I could lick my own balls
and be content.
-Funky J
Did I ever tell you the one about the Black Gay Jew Women? (Yeah, I
think I've offended everyone, wait...) and she was really fat, too.
(there we are.)
-Jason
Yeah... That's... That's fine, Jason. We notice you. You are a unique
and worthwhile human being, Jason. But tell ya what. Let's... let's
just keep it at slant eye jokes, Jason. Yeah, jeeeest don't start
burning crosses in Khanh's front yard, and eeeeeverything's cool...
-Nathan Winant
The Bat!'s spellchecker want's to replace 'Scooby' with 'Snoopy'.
Scooby is way better than Snoopy.
-Jason
Yes, jenn. We believe you. Everyone, Jennifer is a woman.
-Jason (sure)
I love pop rocks. Especially when they pop is the rhythm of "The
Elements."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted Hatespeech: (Alloni Kramer)
Now I'm wondering.
Is circumcision really all that impressively wonderful? I mean, from
a sexual standpoint, I've heard it both ways. But then, there's the
medical standpoint - that bit o' skin is a haven for germs and disease
that will inevitably cause you to wish for the Bobbit maneuver just to
get it to stop, and I can understand that. But then, if it was really
all that bad for you, by preventing it from happening artifically
we're standing in the way of evolution. Nature was obviously
selecting for males who are born circumcised, and we've taken it out
of her hands.
Obviously, the only answer here is to start a eugenics program.
Girls, start selecting for males who are uncircumcised, but who are
approaching the circumcised state - the smaller that bit o' skin is,
the better. Guys, Give your children a chance. Demand that your sons
be left uncut.
This message brought to you by the Hatred and Bigotry Council of North
America. First, we establish the problem, then we start hating those
who are causing the problem. Ideally, we can identify several
different sets of genetic inadequacies, and make them mutually
contradictory in some way, so you always have a reason to hate your
neighbor for something. If, god forbid, someone is born who is
perfect according to our strictures, we can either make up new
strictures, or hold that person up as the ideal of humanity and make
everyone hate him Because He's Better. As long as we bring that
person up to depise those who are inferior to them, we're set.
Official Abducted Emperor Palpatine Moment: (Nathan Winant)
"... bacteria that lived before the dinosaurs and survived Earth's
biggest mass extinction have been reawakened after a 250-million-year
sleep in a salt crystal, scientists say."
Admittedly, this has nothing specifically to do with space, but as the
bbc article points out, it strengthens the case for the possibility of
simple life travelling between planets.
More to the point, a researcher at West Chester University was quoted
as saying, "We all feel reasonably comfortable that this particular
organism isn't going to attack anything." I find his words reassuring.
I certainly hope the population of Pennsylvania will, too... when they
discover that the containment measures have been sabotaged!
In any case, goodbye Chris Wayne; you were a worthy opponent. While it
appears I shall forever be denied the honor of personally meting out
the vengeance you so richly deserve, there is meager solace to be
found in the knowledge that your demise will be no less painful or
gruesome than that of my beloved Belinda.
GUARDS! Secure the perimeter around Pennsylvania... It would be a
shame if our guest were to escape while I was en route to our new
orbital base of operations. ... Interested, Chris Wayne? Yes, you
might be interested to know that I'll be "overseeing" the final phase
of Operation ArpaNet... from a FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL SKYLAB!
It's a pity you can't join me Chris Wayne, the view is really quite
spectacular. But I'm afraid you're overdue for a dinner date... by 250
million years!
AAAAAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAAHAAAAA!!!!!!
Official Abudted Bad French Art Film: (Nathan Winant)
I think it's fucking hilarious. It's like a sub-plot of a bad foreign
film.
SCENE OPENS on a small Paris apartment. It is a late Thursday
afternoon in October, and is raining outside. JENNIFER reclines on a
couch, head cradled in her hands, gazing over her shoulder through the
window, watching the rain and the people below. JEAN-GUILLOME sits at
a small table, smoking a cigarette, leisurely regarding a newpaper.
The sounds of traffic can be heard.
JEAN-GUILLOME: "It says here that they have found some numbers."
There is a long pause. A man can be heard yelling down the hall.
JENNIFER: "... numbers?"
JEAN-GUILLOME: "To the universe. The numbers of meaning."
Another long pause. A man can be heard outside, yelling in reply.
JENNIFER: "Ridiculous. All numbers have meaning."
JEAN-GUILLOME: "They say these are the only ones that mean anything."
A long pause.
JENNIFER: "You mean nothing... to me."
JEAN-GUILLOME: "Does respect mean nothing to you?"
JENNIFER: "Respect... is contempt."
Gunshots erupt in the hall. More yelling. More silence.
JEAN-GUILLOME: "... then shall we meet again? Cafe DuMonde?"
JENNIFER: "Oui."
JENNIFER rises up to leave. JEAN-GUILLOME looks up at her briefly.
JEAN-GUILLOME: "Tell your husband I say hello."
JENNIFER: "He sends his regards."
JENNIFER opens the door and exits. A siren can be heard outside.
FADE TO BLACK
Official Abducted Politically Incorrectedness: (Nathan Winant)
No, no, no... I don't care about that at all. We're not a very
politically correct bunch here, if you haven't noticed. I mean,
alloni's always cracking wise about the holocaust, and khanh isn't
exactly dissuading ugly stereotypes with all those pungi pits and
grenade-wielding babies he leaves scattered around the workplace.
I remember one time I'd travelled up to fort worth to visit ghx, to
buy a few rocks and have a few beers. We wound up swinging by flashnet
for some reason or another, and I got to chatting with khanh, who I
found to be both a scintillating conversationalist and an utterly
cruel, ego-decimating monster -- both qualities I look for in a man.
Anyway, we were sitting in the breakroom, chatting idly, when we heard
a thunderous crash and a blood-curdling cry. Khanh immediately ducked
under the table and starting screaming, "That teach you, G.I. Joe! You
go home, G.I.! Go home!" Ghost and I leapt to our feet and charged
into the hallway, where a small hindi man had apparently snagged a
makeshift tripwire and been gruesomely impaled by a sharpened,
spike-studded log. We both stood, marvelling in stunned silence at the
diminutive, shattered heap of a man, until ghx finally cracked, "Heh.
That'll teach ya ta jump the border. Go back ta Taco-Land, Pedro. Jest
go back ta Taco-Land."
Ghost then began parading up and down the hall, banging on cubicles
and yelling, "INS is here, Pey-dro! The K-Mart's closed! The K-Mart's
closed!" I could hear Khanh snickering and raping defenseless women
under the table where he'd chosen to hide. My meager wit having been
utterly dwarfed by these giants, I chose to simply kick at the broken
corpse, muttering "yeah, go back to french-fry land, frenchy."
It was the best evening ever.
Not that such events were isolated ones by any means. I fondly
remember the carefree days of my youth, when alloni and I would drive
around town, looking for retirement homes that alloni had heard to
house german-americans, which we would subsequently set ablaze. We
could sit beside the hellish, bone-crackling maelstrom for hours, just
sitting and chatting... about life. Eventually the police would arrive
and alloni would dismiss them with a wave of his hand, sometimes
sending them off to pick up slurpies and chapsticks. Those were good
days, but then, I have always been lucky. Certainly, I've been lucky
enough to star with Jennifer in the black-face drag show, _Where's My
Chicken, Girlfrien'?_, which not only had a three-month run at the
Baton Rouge American Legion Playhouse, but also ran at the Bourbon
Street Peculiarly Inclined Gentlemens' Club for two consecutive weeks
without a single incident of handgun-related violence.
So you see, Jason, we've all "cracked wise" now and again about
someone's skin color, or religion, or how we've personally witnessed
them selling babies for the gypsy stew pot. And, so long as we
remember that people are more than their skin color or land of birth
-- but rather, are PEOPLE, for whom skin color and land of birth are
but one of many, many avenues of crippling emotional assault -- I
don't see anything wrong with it. No, there was only one thing about
your message that alarmed me. This passage:
I apologize to any and all people
I've offended with this email... but
I can't help it, you people are so funny.
You must admit, Jason, there is a decidedly... Hinckley-esque quality
to this statement. "I couldn't help it... You made me do it... You're
just too damn funny."
Well Jason, you're right -- we ARE damn funny. And beautiful. And
intelligent. And ostensibly immortal. And you can be like us. But --
and here's the important part -- one does not get to be Wired
magazine's Prince Of The Internet by assassinating presidents.
Installing, deposing, undermining, intimidating, yes -- but never
assassinating.
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