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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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If somebody told me to put something in a weird place, I'd put it
there.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hey, you can have some of my objects if you want. Guaranteed to be
100% documentaion-free! You won't be able to make them work, but
you'll have an excuse!!!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I'll throw in the tech support for free, here it is:
You're fucked. It'll never work, we're all gonna die!
It doesn't matter that you've followed all the instructions.
It doesn't matter that you Read The Fuckin Manpage.
It doesn't matter if you've paid for a license.
It doesn't matter if you're wearing clean underwear, if you go to
church, what your credit limit is, whether or not you floss.
You're fucked.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
Recording "We smell sausage" backwards sounds like "Jesus loves you,"
you know.
-Josh Smith
Yes, but is being fucked a good thing?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ai supiiku Engurishi, Jenifaa!
-Josh Smith
I don't think we should admit Canada into the Union, but maybe we
could rename the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit the "Japanese Raver Chick
Bordello Tunnel".
-Josh Smith
OK, well I'll just march my ass down to the Dungeon and ask him, ok?
I'll say "My friend Josh wants to know if you sleep in physical
restraints or cages?"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
hmmmmmm, I wonder if there are any rich Arab chicks that need sex
slaves...
-Josh Smith
I can't fucking WAIT until winter. I get to break out my black bdu's
and my assorted black t-shirts and my black 3/4 trench leather. Or my
black corduroys and my black sweaters. Or my black humor. Or that
irrascible black stage presence I've become so infamous for. GOD I
miss wearing black. God. GOD!!! Luckily, rum needn't wait till winter!
LET THE DARKNESS COMMENCE!!!
-Nathan Winant
But, you know, black humor is seasonless.
-Marhod
HELP! HELP! I'M WEARING A PEEL-OFF MASK! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! Where's
Cyclops when I need him?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've never claimed to be goth. Do I enjoy wearing black? Yes. Do I
enjoy goth music? A fair amount. Will I mock goths? In a heartbeat.
While that might make me goth material, my crimson heart does not beat
to the funeral dirge of life. Or whatever.
-Nathan Winant
Nathan. It's time that you came to terms with your situation. You are
a perky goth.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am the Great Shaman! I summon forth the rains, that the fields may
be nourished and the crops may go! And unlike those other, lesser
shamans, I needn't bother with the silly chanting, the tiresome
dancing, the beating of the drum! NO!!! I need but leave the windows
of my car down, and *surely* the rain will come...
-"Wes"
OH MY GOD MY UTERUS JUST FELL OUT!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jon, Alloni, Darlings.... I know you love me but playing
keepaway with my uterus is hardly a way to show it. Now why don't you
just hand it over and Mommy will scritch your tummies and everything
will be better. Here, have a nice piece of bacon. NOW!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
At least they don't have a "I'm coming to your house in a little while
with a nuclear warhead and fifty pissed-off Arabs with machine guns
and I sure hope you are going to be there" attitude.
-will.
It's a they and smiting one of them could bring down the Wrath of the
Aged Philmongerers of Bea Aurthur. I really don't think you want to
see that.
Not unless they're naked.
-Jennifer 'n will. (eww eww ewwwww!)
This actually isn't much of a surprise. My image miraculously appears
in crack rocks three, four times a year. Admittedly I usually appear
to impoverished, illiterate hispanic widows, but any of the Truly
Faithful are eligible for a visit. Ave Nathana!
-Nathan Winant
Congratulations, Jezebel.
-Nathan Winant (to jennifer, of course)
Step one, have sex with girl-I-wanna-fuck.
Step two, become a couple with girl-I-wanna-fuck.
Step three, break up with girl-I-wanna-fuck, become her Ex.
Step four, begin sleeping with both of them, preferably
simultaneously.
Step six, profit.
-Garth
our new time - porn:50
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Will somebody please slit my wrists? I'm too goth to kill myself.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have a REALLY big butcher knife. It's very sharp. I'm always cutting
myself on it. Wussy suicide.
-Marhod
I have one of those little Swiss Army knifes... it has this pair of
very small scissors. I can gnaw at your wrist until I hit a vein.
Will that do?
-Jason
Sure thing. Just swoon on over here, gorgeous... I'm Stroppin' My
Straight Razor Just For You(tm)!
-Nathan Winant
I suggest you go to the bathroom early in your shift. Squeeze a
little 'frop under your eyelids and rub some on your belly, then wait.
You figure someone will eventually check on you, no? When they do,
be sure you're completely naked. Brandish a banana and quote
Shakespeare until they go away. Repeat until fired.
-"Wes"
Josh has been scored. not that Josh *has* scored. No, that would be
entirely different.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (and probably imaginary)
Seeing that I'm not gay, no. And besides, a horse has a much
bigger... I mean, I've been told that a horse might have.. um...
nevermind.
-Jason
If I get negative points, it'll cancel out all of everyone else's
positive points. Then I will dance and laugh and spray everyone with
shaving cream. Then I will take your firstborn. Then we will go to
Chuck E. Cheese's and have Much Fun. ..and you can't come, so there.
-will.
I ~prefer~ my boobs to have individual sentience.
-will.
We should get Alloni or someone to write the most non-sensical rant
they can, record it, and do send it in. Maybe we could achieve cult
status in some little Central American country, and be invited to go
there and have lots of glamorous models waiting on our every needs,
have thousands of fans screaming at our hotel rooms...
-Funky J (well, with me ranting, how could we not?)
And fuck this hour and a half shit. I'm started a company... You
order something, anything. A guy goes into the warehouse and grabs
your order, a 55gal drum of gasoline, 55gal drum of coffee, and a
55gal drum for certain types of waste due to the amount of coffee
drank, and sets out for your house. No stopping for breaks, gas, or
red lights, traffic, cops, nothing. Getting a speeding ticket is
encouraged, and rewarded. Drivers wanted.
-Jason
boobs should shut up and do what they're told to.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
DAMN THE JEWS!!!!!!
I'm guessing they never gave you back your uterus...?
-Jennifer 'n "Wes"
"As a jewish black man, I believe our most intelligent course of
action is to move to the south, and then liberate the government from
the tyrannical yoke of Federal oppression. Only then will we be free
to repeal taxes on the sale of white sheets and torches. Yay, states
rights!"
-Nathan Winant (cynical, but funny)
I refuse to use email on the grounds that it may be morally
stupefying.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm your huckleberry...
-Terence P. Higgins
Two companies want to pay me for stuffing Cheetos into floppy drives!
What bliss!
-will.
THE HEAVENS HAVE OPENED UP! REDEMPTION FOR EVERYONE!!!
-Nathan Winant
Okay, okay, screw the head... I mean... for the guys, that is. Truth
to tell, I'm more or less hetero, too. It just seemed like a fair
enough price to pay, to have dear Fairuza under my power. How 'bout
ice cream instead? Chocolate chip!
-"Wes"
Not to sound grumpy or anything, but if I had to remember everything
about you, my head would explode. You are an ever changing, ever
evolving, flower that needs to be experienced on a daily basis to
appreciate its true nature. Hell, you're practically a garden full of
such flowers. Live long and prosper.
-Terence P. Higgins (about jenn)
I think you're overlooking a far greater problem here, Jennifer: the
inability of bitches to have a hot meal waiting for their man when he
comes home from a long day of work. Everyone talks about corruption in
the police, but nobody talks about corruption in the kitchen...
-Nathan Winant
So if I was in a double penetration pr0n flick for the internet, how
much per minute would you pay to see it?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Probably not the wisest thing to be talking about my porn viewing (or
on-viewing as the case may be) habits on work email huh?
-Trevor Walton
Amazingly, it's been my experience that a 400 mhz G4 with 256 mb ram
can run a web browser for upwards of 10-20 minutes without any
system-wide failures!
-Nathan Winant
Random Thought #2: Fuzzy Wuzzy The Bear after puberty.
-Jason
Yeah, but what's in that for me? Besides money.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
This is the nightmare of the future: a million horny orphan annies,
giving blow jobs to the sole remaining Sugardaddy Warbucks, forever.
George Orwell, where are you when we need you?
-Jonathan Mayer
Why do I get the weirdest feeling that _I_ am Captain Limpdik?
-Jonathan Mayer (we mock him, but we love him)
I respect this. The truth is, porn does do long-lasting damage to
impressionable youth. To this day, I can not enjoy pleasurable sexual
intercourse with the woman I love without the music from Debby Does
Dallas spontaneously popping into my head. Oh, the humanity.
(Actually, sometimes I hear Wendy Carlos's synthesized rendition of
Beethoven's Fifth. Go figure.)
-Jonathan Mayer
Protected memory is for the weak. Real programmers don't need the MMU
to ameliorate the symptoms of buggy code, we fix the disease. Yeah.
-Jonathan Mayer
Call me Catholic and buy me a plaid skirt!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So thespark.com sez I've the personality of a politician. *Knew* I
missed my calling when I took up ballet...
-"Wes"
But mostly the test results indicated my fondness for power, loose
women, deceit, uncomfortable clothes, hemorrhoids, ulcers, and
blowjobs. LOTS and LOTS of blowjobs.
-"Wes"
"You! Yes, you. You seem very nice, but you are bad. Bad bad bad.
No, no, don't try to apologize. That's the way you are. It's all
very sad."
-Jonathan Mayer
Is this the abducted mailing list, or a support group for men who
badly need blow jobs? If only we could ... blow each other ... ...
hey!
-Jonathan Mayer (...no)
Damn straight. I practically grew up on traci lords, and to this day,
every time I get aroused the mortal kombat theme starts running
through my head. I mean, it was fun for the first few years and all,
and my interpretive dance rendition has always been popular at parties
and a few clubs on the outskirts of town, but lately it's just
gotten... creepy. Especially since my mind has seen fit to add an
announcer. "Tab A... Slot B... FIGHT!
DadudadudadudaduDUMDUMdadudadudaDUM!"
-Nathan Winant
DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU AND YOUR VALLEY-TEMPTING WAYS!!!!
-Nathan Winant
ghosts are scary
Boo!
dammit, now i gotta change underwear.
-Khanh 'n Jennifer 'n Khanh
Monkeys have a version of simian herpes that causes brain lesions.
Read an article the other day about the simian herpes virus starting
to spread amongst the human population. Just what we need -- a
sexually transmitted brain-damage virus.
-Jonathan Mayer
Yay!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I told those monkies that opening up their skulls and rubbing their
brains together was going to cause problems but
noooooooOOOOOOooooooooooo. The monkies never listen to
meeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Thats what I miss most about you, JLL: your ability to respond to your
own posts and carry on conversations with no one but you. :) I
wouldn't be surprised if you were disguising yourself as everyone else
on the list. you might even be me.
-ghostxxx (or is it?)
Have you checked your boobs lately?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm not a big fan of overdone, faddish cliches... ... but I'm also a
spineless hypocrite who is easily swayed by sacred geometry and fruity
colors...
-Nathan Winant
Huzzah! The prodigal guffman-godot figure has returned! Light the
braziers! Don the g-strings! ritualize the fatted fates! OUR CATHOLIC
SCHOOLGIRL HAS RETURNED!!!
-Nathan Winant
Waaaaaaaiiiiit..... WaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaait a minute...........
Garth is remodeling a house? Garth? House? *Remodel*? ... HOLY FUCK,
YOU BASTARD!!! YOU GOT MARRIED?!?!?
-Nathan Winant
The brain is the human body's most powerful sex organ. I get turned
off whenever my partner asks me to put a polyethylene dome over my
brain. It's just not sex without the exchange of meningial fluids.
-Jonathan Mayer
Oo Baybeee. Let me see your arachnoid matter! Oh yesssssssss!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Once there was a crisis. It came in the form of a foetus. My best
friend of 10 years at the time suggested I push the progenitor
organism off a cliff. We discussed the idea for a couple of hours
before deciding that there was no way we could get away with it. I
love my best friend.
-will.
so, here I am again, reresubscribing. welcome me again with the same
ferver you did on tuesday. love me. give me sexual favours in exchange
for advice on how to live your life. smell my finger. pull my sticker.
-ghostxxx
Awwwwww! Wait! Wait! I'm sorry! Here, take my Fruit Roll-Up!
-will.
You make me quiver with red Jello-ish brain tingly ecstasy. Can I
touch you again?
-will.
We could take something else up just as nourishing... perhaps fly
fishing, or even start a new business in paper mache masturbation
devices.
-ghostxxx
Please forgive my negligence. Many Hail Bobs have been executed. I am
your humble elf ho.
-will.
Don't scare away the school girls. They have uniforms and everything.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
who was first is pointless. its like getting excited over a first post
on slashdot. SO, youth schmooth, we are BOTH older than /will. Lets
pee on him.
-ghostxxx
Yay! Watersports!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I will never leave the internet again.
-Nathan Winant
what unbridled anarchy on their part!
Is there another kind?
-Gark 'n Chris
No offense, but I've never paid for porn, not about to start now.
That's what I used to say about underaged Serbian prostitutes.
-Trevor 'n Chris
You mean sex doesn't ALREADY cause brain damage?
-Chris Wayne
Sex slaves and prostitutes are totally different animals. Sex slaves,
for instance, are more likely to bite. Without being asked, even. Sex
slaves also depreciate faster once you drive them off the lot. Two,
three years, max, and you need to sell them to sausage factories and
buy replacements. And, as you so rightly point out, sex slaves are far
more gullible than prostitutes. And so, we are in agreement; sexual
slavery is bad, low per-unit cost/return ratios be damned.
-Chris Wayne
Look closely at Canadian money, you'll see that it's not actually
Queen Elizabeth, but George Washington in drag.
-Chris Wayne
So what the hell actually IS in Rhode Island?
-Chris Wayne
No. Actually, the pope doesn't shit anywhere. That's one of the
little-known sacrifices which every pope must make. Popes are fed an
easily digestible liquid diet from the moment they ascend the throne.
Their lower intestines rapidly atrophy and their anuses eventually
scab over and close altogether. Exactly what the popes subsist on is a
carefully guarded church secret, although it is widely believed that
it is equal parts honey, wine, and the blood of Jewish infants.
-Chris Wayne
True, but dude... they're *australian* prostitutes.
-Nathan Winant
Outstanding! He'll be a whimsically delicious addition to my labor
camp!
-Nathan Winant
Be proud. You're the disembodied surrogate mother of hundreds of
flies. That's gotta be worth something.
-Chris Wayne
And so we approach the Abducted Gang Bang, as it was foretold.
-Chris Wayne
I wasn't really sure what to put on the survey under why I was
interested in this. For some reason "Don't want to be enslaved by the
imperialistic machinations of the international energy cartel" wasn't
offered as a possible choice.
-Chris Wayne
Actually, I've become kind of disturbed lately that I've noticed
myself listening to dialogue, in fact sometimes turning it up to do
so, and trying to follow the plot. I remember a time when 4 hours of
unrelated sex scenes was all I needed. Now I care about motivation.
*shudder*
-Chris Wayne
Don't make fun. It's trying to be friendly. Windows needs love. Not
like it can get it from the cold, bitter heart of its creator....
-Chris Wayne
As an Australian Prostitute, I take offence to that!
-Funky J
I was trained deep within the Canadian jungle. Of course I don't pee
on my hands.
I don't use my hands at all. I stand in the middle of the room and
spin, using centrifical force to keep myself tidy. Works for vomiting
too.
-will. 'n Garth
I saw this one porn where the girl was sympathising with her depressed
dildo. Apparently, the dildo had been owned by like 10 different
people and it was tired of being shoved in wet places. It cried to her
and she cradled it in her tits, only to betray it at the end of the
film by shoving it up her own crotch.
-ghostxxx
So it was written and so it shall be *sexy*.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Your grandma is an Australian prostitute? That explain a few things.
Like why my grandfathers always pay me when I visit.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
CW. Do you grow towards the light?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Depends on which model you get. Sure, a mexican is appealing the first
few years, but they lose their market value quickly. One, maybe two
puppies and they need body work big time. Asian girls on the other
hand can be driven off the lot and last 30 and more years without
seeing signs of wear and tear. Its the care the manufacturers put into
their product. I know we hear of sweat shops in asia, but dadgummit,
those people working the factories CARE about their product.
-ghostxxx
Seen it. I want DVDADO: Double Vaginal, Double Anal, Double Oral.
Hell, if she can get a few extra in there by using her hands, knees,
elbows, breasts, small of her back, whatever, all the better.
-Chris Wayne
[Males giving males blowjobs is] just like mountain climbing. Don't
look down.
Actually that's a huge misconception. You have to look down, how else
are you going to find your next foothold?
Your next foothold? You see, that's your problem right there. Blowjobs
are MUCH more enjoyable if you just stand still.
-Chris 'n Trevor 'n Chris
And to think, all those sheep herders were just 'practicing' all those
years.
-Jason
I want to make funny, but non-abrasive comments to and about your
house plants. Fear Me.
-Jason
That sounds like an Olympic Event. "Well, Chuck... It was a risky
move starting of with the Double-Triple, but she made them both cum in
world record time. She swallowed too, and I know the judges are going
to like that." I want to see the PornOlympics.
-Jason
Food and lodging is covered, plus you get to the honor of being
impregnated with an alien fetus.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Is it poetry about explosions, Vulcans, supermodels crawling naked
through mud puddles, startling new sexual variations, euthanasia,
Marlboro Lights, farts, bass fishing, Fairuza Balk, chainsaws,
Dungeons and Dragons, calculus, Guinness Stout, stunningly attractive
female burglar/rapists, Bill Bixby, the Marianas (sp?) Trench, the
infinite wrongness of decaffeinated diet cola, scrotal hair, LSD, the
Twin Peaks soundtrack, tigers, and/or oral sex? If so, then I'll pass.
One would hope for something a little more original this time.
-"Wes"
which japanese girl should I choose? Ayako or Tomoko? both are hot,
both are asking about me, both are japanese, both are babes.
Choose them both. Let one be your wife, the other your geisha or
something. Maybe have them switch roles every time there's an Irish
holiday, just for variety's sake. Better yet, all *three* of you
switch roles on Irish holidays.
-ghostxxx 'n "Wes"
You're like a.. urine sylph.
-will.
uh oh, urine trouble. urine deep deep trouble.
-ghostxxx
Baton Rouge bores me. The tourbook said that there would be naked
women parading down the streets, occasionally taking breaks to climb
in through my bedroom window and give me sponge baths. But no.
They're always clothed when they do these things.
-"Wes"
She displays exquisite taste, and word around town is that she tastes
exquisite (Hey... you know how, sometimes, you look at a word you've
used for years and suddenly it appears utterly alien? "Exquisite.");
while I've so far been unable to confirm this, coz she always laughs
me off when I hit on her, rumor has it that her nipples taste like
French vanilla ice cream. Her belly is said to taste like Sonoma
Cutrer. Her toes are like a roll of Life Savers, each one a different
fruit flavor. Her inner thighs taste like gourmet coffee, while her
sex tastes like parfait. And her ass? Well... it still tastes like
ass, but what did you expect? I mean... you know... it's an ASS.
-"Wes"
If the country is called "Canada", shouldn't the descriptive adjective
attached to it be "Canadan"? If we insist on using "Canadian", the
the country should more properly be called "Canadia". (Don't even get
me started on Quebecistan.)
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
Other bloody goths like to passively have the blood sucked off of them
by other bloody goths.
-Josh Smith
There was a huge orgy in Austin.tx.tx.tx to celebrate. JLL is on the
rag and has proclaimed herself a bloody goth. NW makes a lot of money
whoring himself to middle aged ex jock frat boys. Alloni is aloof.
Funky J says he does stuff but I can't remember what it was that he
did. there were a few other things that happened, and to top it off i
ate lunch at jack in the box today. hopefully you are up to speed.
-ghostxxx
That's "nw". I'm so edgy, I'm so fucking punk, that I DON'T USE THE
SHIFT KEY. Except, of course, in the preceding sentence.
-Nathan Winant
Johnston, dude, just say no. I've seen the shit ghx cuts his
merchandise with, and normally I'm pretty cool about rat poison and
bleach and dried vagina drippings and shit, but freeze-dried, powdered
alien fetuses... That's just sick.
-Nathan Winant
you can't be a REAL goth! All my dreams and desires of coming to
America and seducing you will go down the toilet with the rest of my
sperm if you're a goth!
-Funky J
Once I went to a nitrous party. The owner of the house had a HUGE
canister of nitrous, like five feet tall and a foot and a half in
diameter. Anyway, it was the afterparty for a concert and the guy was
handing out balloons. Eventually, he just closed the windows and
opened the tap. The drummer of the band that the party was for decided
that he wanted to be my vibrator. There was a lot of yelling "CLOSE
THE FUCKING DOOR! DO YOU WANT THE DRUGS TO GET OUT?????" Over all it
was a good evening.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm not just a goth? I'm... a goth in DENIAL??? 'Kay, time for
alcohol. No. 'Frop. Better. See you cats in the Mblgph Dimension...
-"Wes"
What's wrong with a little good old fashioned flirting? Flirting is
vastly underrated in this Modern Age.
-Jonathan Mayer
You see, Garth is closely related to the feline family. Felines have a
peculiar trait where a gland releases chemicals into the brain several
times a day, making them halucinate, explaining why your cat will be
sitting still then tear ass across the house after something that you
can not see. Watching Garth do this is even more amusing.
-ghostxxx
Well, everyone who wonders where Alloni has been lately, you know now.
He is the Alpha male for a colony of blue ass baboons and is off
fucking the females while we sit back dreaming of large amounts of
sexual stimulation that only he is allowed to partake in. Its alright
though, because one day I will come of age and take over as the monkey
leader. Watche your blue ass, Alloni, cuz I'ma gonna getcha!
-ghostxxx (damn! found again!)
I knew some one was watching me again. I thought I had found all the
cameras. Even that one cleverly desguised as my next door neighbor.
And they are not hallucinations. They are invaders from Dimension X
and just because you are not as 'in tune' as me and my feline brothers
doesn't mean I'm crazy.
-Garth
And they let this guy handle his own billing?
And they let this guy even work there in the first place?
And they let this guy CONSUME OUR OXYGEN?
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
When a crazy French person is already pissed off and holding an
automatic weapon, DO NOT remind him that you represent a group which
saved him from having to learn German. He might have *wanted* to
learn German. He might think it would be a great language for picking
up chicks. He's French, and therefore crazy.
-"Wes"
Ive just spent two days agruing against being a vegetarian and arguing
that a twitching laterally bisected man would not be alive, even if
prepared by a sushi chef.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Speaking as someone who's been naked a lot lately... I think I'm
getting... "stringy".
-Nathan Winant
It was the quotes, wasn't it? People tend to fear the quotes.
-Nathan Winant (out of context, but still oh so true)
If helping goths find God is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
-Chris Wayne
Stickers are weak. Cthulhu's device must be wrought from steel
contaminated with toxic heavy elements like Thulium, Osmium, and
Praseodymium.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I don't believe in a god, or at least one that isn't actively working
against me.
-Funky J
I believe in God but does he believe in me?
-Garth
Actually Neo-Pagan sounds like a cool super-hero name and I hereby
adopt it as my own.
-Garth
I... am... not... A GOTH!!!! Goths get LAID!!!! I do not. Q.E.D.
-"Wes"
And yes, yes, most of the goths I knew were notoriously lax when it
came to matters of basic hygiene. But when you're approached by a
girl whose genetic makeup fits the supermodel category, but who smells
like rancid cabbage, it's amazing how easy it is to simply woo her
into the nearest handy shower with ya. Problem solved.
-"Wes"
Woman, hast thou no MERCY???
Oh, like you have to ask that.
-"Wes" 'n Jennifer
Okay. For the record, Jennifer is Good People. I like her. I
respect her. Dunno why I bother mentioning this, but it seemed
necessary to *me*, so there it is. Don't expect it to come up in this
conversation again. In the meantime... STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP IT
STOP IT STOP IT!!! CRUEL!!! HEARTLESS!!! Fucking WENCH!!! WOMAN,
THY NAME IS JENNIFER!!!!!! *whimper*
-"Wes"
Actually, I got it so that during all the intensely dramatic,
climactic kung fu fight scenes, I could point at the screen and go,
"They're doing it... MONKEY-STYLE!!!"
-Nathan Winant
I think the upshot is that this film is the best of both worlds. It is
no less than a triumph, a redemption of an entire genre. For far too
long, monkey cinema has been so dominated by cliches as to be
characterized by them... The young child, the wacky antics of the
mischievous buffoon, the hard-boiled cross-country trucker... Or
alternately, the primal savagery, the innocent tenderness, the duality
of the outside observer as both student and usurper... These cliches
have been played to death, but it is only in _Iron Monkey_ that they
are _all_ taken and blended together. It is only in _Iron Monkey_ that
we are told, "yes, we do see in the monkey a ruthlessly serious,
unblinking social mirror, and yes, we do see in the monkey zany
slapstick -- but it is only when we understand that these are but two
aspects of the greater whole of monkeydom that we finally begin to
truly understand ourselves." That and, well, they beat the monkey with
the "shaolin golden palm". Come ON, people! I'm not made of stone,
damnit!!!
-Nathan Winant
Official Abducted Story Starter: ("Wes")
The Professor and Maniac shone as twin points of computer-generated
azure in the corner of my vision. I'd developed the habit of shutting
down most of my sensory feeds during any long hauls, letting myself
plummet blithely through a void of near-total sensory deprivation
while Amber did the work of getting me where I needed to be. But the
visual representation of my teammates was a cherished touchstone.
It was part of the conditioning regimen, of course. We were meant to
operate as a three-man team, a closely knit little pack of
Hunter-Killers, and each of us carried a hard-wired aversion to the
idea of being separated.
"Five minutes, sweetie." Amber's voice had been carefully designed to
bring out the best in me. It was always a thing of honey, deceptively
innocent and utterly carnal. Now that hard combat awaited only
minutes away, she had become more husky, as though breathless with
anticipation. "Wanna party?"
She tweaked my nervous system, pouring on a little of the juice. I
groaned aloud as a sweet surge of battle lust instantly rose within
me. My sensory feeds snapped back online, showing me a deep grey
sheet of frozen tundra less than a hundred meters below. Patches of
blackness flashed by as we passed close over the tops of trees, flying
"nap of the earth" in order to make things difficult for any detection
devices that the enemy might have trained our way. Our target was a
flashing red icon directly ahead of us, the numbers beside it rapidly
dwindling as we approached firing range. My mind felt crisp as the
snow beneath us, cool and ready. The desire for battle was a sexual
thing, coiling inside my gut, demanding release.
"Welcome back to the land of the living." Maniac's tone was ironic.
"Want some music?"
"Sure." I pretended indifference, but in truth Maniac's fondness for
background music was a lot of fun. He'd never tell you what he
intended to play; you either agreed to listen to it, or not. And once
you'd agreed, you were stuck with it. All of our Mentors seemed to
take a perverse delight in supporting the deal, and as the propaganda
of our various detractors had made abundantly clear, a Mentor's word
is indeed law for an HK.
Not that this was a problem. Maniac could come up with some truly
weird shit to listen to while we traded insults with our targets.
Through the course of our more than three years' association, I'd
waged war to the music of everyone from Metallica to the Carpenters.
Once he'd gotten really artistic and dubbed some cartoon special
effects into our real-time audio/visual circuits. When, for example,
an enemy got knocked out of the sky, you'd hear a descending whistle
to mark his fall and see an animated cloud of dust rise where he hit
the ground. Ghoulish stuff, maybe... but fun as all hell.
"Pass." The Professor's dispassionate tenor gave no hints about what
pleasures he'd be pursuing during the upcoming fight, and I knew
better than to waste time asking. Given the ludicrous odds that
Tactical had promised -- three linked HKs against a sad-assed force of
conventional troops and third-class armor -- I could almost imagine
him throwing his systems on autopilot and losing himself in a book
until the debrief.
"Suit yourself," Maniac cheerfully returned. "Derelict? I introduce
you to Beethoven's Ode to Joy. Ode? Derelict."
I'd never heard of Beethoven, but within seconds I came to pity the
Professor for missing out on this one. Maniac had clearly found a
winner.
"Three minutes to maximum firing range," Gwyn advised over the music.
She was the Professor's personal Mentor, her own voice cool and
precise. "Opposition mapped to 92 percent accuracy." The flashing
red of the target icon grew and fragmented into a ragged array of
individual units, each tagged with numbers representing range, vector
and threat status. Tactical hadn't lied... these guys looked
pathetic.
"Gentlemen, adopt play package seven one charlie," the Professor said.
I largely ignored the plan, didn't even look up the code. "Charlie"
would mean envelopment, and I knew Amber would handle the vectors and
targeting while I concentrated on the actual slaughter.
Maniac's chuckle came in over the music, chilling and delicious.
"Hey, homeboy..." he started.
"Please refrain from imprecise designations during Seven One Charlie,"
Gwyn interrupted, her voice slightly reproving.
"Hey, Derelict," Maniac tried again. "You'll wanna get a load of this
play. Professor's giving us the rein."
What? I imagined my eyes widening at the idea. If I had eyes,
anyway, they probably would have.
Official Abducted Man In Denial: (Nathan Winant)
No... No, that's just not possible. Mind you, I've got nothing against
those people... and it isn't like I've never been curious at one time
or another -- I mean, who *hasn't* experimented with bauhaus or gaiman
when they were kids?... but that doesn't mean I AM one.
I mean, sure, there are all sorts of little inconsistencies... Like
the way I like to hang out at cemetaries... Or like the way that I
checked out the campus cemetary first when I was touring colleges...
Or like the children's book I'm working on about cemetaries... But...
But that doesn't mean I feel the darkness...
Oh, I SEE what you're getting at. I mean... sure, Jhonen Vasquez
personally asked me never to contact him again under any
circumstances. But that just means I'm a slavering fanboy. And, sure,
my favorite club in town is the one and only goth/fetish bar... But, I
mean, I just like the music. And who wouldn't? It's catchy. It's just
really good to dance to, that's all. And sure, I happen to be drinking
red wine with my Kraft EasyMac, but that just makes me... an eccentric
bachelor. That's all. I mean, I'll admit there are one or two passing
similarities, but I'm just an open-minded guy. Just because I
appreciate their culture doesn't mean I'm "that way".
I mean... I've had girlfriends who don't have extensive black
wardrobes... I can get turned on by more than black lace and
leather... I don't think that all roadkill is perversely
beautiful.....
I'm... I'm... I'm just NOT! SO JUST SHUT UP!!!
GODDAMNIT! WHERE THE HELL DID I LEAVE MY COPY OF FLOODLAND?!?!?
Official Abducted Opportunity: ("Wes")
Okay, screw all this news about prostate cancer and rebellious
children and nuclear extinction and all the other mamby-pamby shit
that we take OH sooooooooooooo seriously.
There's some *real* shit going on now, and I need your help dealing
with it, so LISTEN UP.
The actress Fairuza Balk (guess the subject line sorta gave that part
away, huh?) co-starred with Adam Sandler in "The Waterboy," right?
All well and good. Smurfy keen, even. Actors. Movie. Money. It's
how the world turns, no?
But at the end of the movie, he drives away on his riding lawnmower
WITH HER IN HIS LAP!!!!!!!!!! And brothers and sisters mine, you KNOW
he was copping maximum wood for that particular moment.
This... is unacceptable. This is WRONG!!! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fairuza Balk has no BUSINESS sitting in anyone's lap but MINE!!! Adam
Sandler has no BUSINESS enjoying the press of her body -- MY WOMAN'S
BODY -- against his pissant little crotch!!!
So of course Adam Sandler must die. I mean... duh. Aaaaaaaaand of
course Fairuza Balk must be abducted and delivered to me. Helpless,
of course. I'll handle it from there.
Now. Seeing as how I was a waiter at my best, and NOW I'm unemployed,
it might occur to some that I'm hardly in a position to make these
necessities actually happen. True, I fear... so very true. But hey,
that's what you cats exist for, no? Surely ONE of you has the power
to guide reality back toward its proper course. Surely ONE of you
will restore the balance!!!
Lookit, I'll make it easy for ya. You needn't actually murder Adam
Sandler. Hell, I LIKE Adam Sandler. An awful lot, actually.
Just gimme Fairuza Balk, okay? We'll establish a fair price upon
delivery. Presumably head will suffice, particularly if you're
female. (If you're female, I'll give you *good* head. Some o' the
best head you've ever had, in fact... assuming that you're some
weird-assed kinda female who's capable of judging head at face-value
-- no pun intended -- instead of engaging in the agonizingly typical
habit of thinking about who you're getting head from. NO, I'm not
rich. NO, I wouldn't be a very good father for your fucking baby.
NO, I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT FOR A LIFEMATE. But HEY!!!!!!!!!! CHILL,
ALREADY!!!!!!!!! I'm NOT out to impregnate you with the product of
inferior sperm, OKAY??? I'll just give you HEAD... an experience that
any MALE can tell you is QUITE PLEASANT, if you'll just quit thinking
so hard about it and GO WITH WHAT FEELS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
And all I ask in return is Fairuza Balk. Alive, of course. And
bound. And gagged. I'll take it from there.
Do this for me, and I'll even swallow. Now that's fair, ain't it?
Official Abducted Sign-He-Isn't-As-Good-As-He-Thinks: ("Wes")
Jennifer:
> I made a Tombstone joke and you DIDN'T GET OFFENDED! Fuck you.
FINALLY!!!
But... but are you serious? You'll really fuck me, Jenn?
I mean... it was hard, you know? Dealing with your rejection, the
last time I tried?
Sorry... there are third parties witnessing this. People who don't
know how it went down.
Okay, so what parts can I mention without compromising or offending
Jennifer?
I hit on her.
She snickered.
I tugged out my cock and waved it at her.
She LAUGHED, the fucking BITCH!!!!!!!
I knelt, stuck my tongue up her pussy (thereby RUINING her jeans,
which she has YET to let me live down).
She answered the phone. Chatted for 20 minutes with a telemarketer
while my tongue did its level damnedest to get her attention, flying
hyperdexterously between her cunt and other, less mentionable regions.
I gave up and ordered pizza.
She actually seemed a little impressed over that move. She smiled,
even.
I pressed my luck and rented movies.
She dug "Little Mermaid," but glared at me through "The Ninth
Configuration." Or... no. Excuse me. Vice versa. Either way,
though, back to Square One.
I murdered a stranger for her.
She bitched about the blood.
I CUT OFF MY NOSE FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She did her nails.
After a point, I found myself on Bourbon Street. Memory sketchy.
Morals abandoned. Past and future forgotten. Blood fucking
EVERYWHERE.
She is Woman. Fear her.
Official Abducted Conspiracy Theory Du Jour: (Jonathan Mayer)
I was reading the new Nixon book. One of the more shocking
allegations is that Nixon plotted to keep the S. Vietnamese President
Thieu away from the Paris peace talks in 1968, to make political hay
in the 1968 election. If true, this implies that thousands of
American soldiers might have died solely to allow Nixon to gain the
presidency.
I put down my book and look at current world events, and formed my
latest conspiracy theory du jour: the oil crisis.
Consider:
Fuel cell technology is advancing faster than even the most optimistic
environmentalist could have hoped, and under present conditions GM
claims they could have their first fuel-cell powered consumer car
ready by 2003. That is, unless government regulations and subsidies
can intervene. So oil has a vested interest in putting their The Man
in the oval office.
The candidate refered to as "W" comes from a big oil family, and big
oil money. Just in case W kicks the bucket, his veep is an oil man as
well.
Despite the fact that W is running the best-funded campaign in
history, it looks like he stands a fair chance of losing. Otherwise
apathetic (aka "swing") voters are likely to vote with the incumbent
party if the economy is good, and vote against if the economy is bad.
So the question is: how do you elect a W? You make the economy go
south. How do you make the US economy go south? By jacking up US gas
prices. How do you jack up US gas prices? Jack up world gas prices.
Say you're able to convince the UK oil fields not to get around to
fixing their distribution problems this year. And if US oil were to
hint that they wouldn't intervene, it wouldn't be that difficult to
convince OPEC that 2000 is a perfect year for a little price
collusion.
As soon as W gets elected, big oil can turn the oil spigots back on,
and shazam, miraculous economic recovery! I guess that trickle-down
voodoo economic thing works after all, huh?
Official Abducted Ramblings By Someone Other Than Me: (ghostxxx)
I once had a monkey. A monkey I named Alloni. This monkey had genetal
warts I believe came from his lust for frogs. I once knew a man... not
just any man but THE man.
I once spilled my seed for millions of gnomes. the gnomes are the ones
that love you most. the gnomes are the ones that will make the world
end and that which gives it life. I, gnome.
When last we saw ghx, he was heading into the sunset, holding a six
pack of kerzlaht and singing songs off lily white breasts. milk the
teats, make them sing songs of love and laughter. give them all your
attention.
when i was a child, my momma told me not to look into the teat. so
once when i was 6 i did. my vision blurred and the world went black.
when i was able to see again, much had changed. there, lying amongst
the bushes, i found the leaves to be straight and full of fury. the
berries to be juicy and good, mana poured forth from frothing fonts of
femalicious bread baskets.
and there was 1. 1 is the only one that could hold its own. 1 came and
left only to leave a memory short lived and long loved. here is 1.
give in to 1.
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