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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Never trust the Voices when they're telling you to kill. Those
particular voices are mundane. Of COURSE you should kill. We're
overpopulated! Resources are RAPIDLY dwindling! What business do the
voices have in stating something so obvious? Now... when the voices
tell you to take up yoga? Or to fuck this girl, but not that one? Or
to invest in this or that particular firm? THAT's when they're at
least worth a modicum of consideration. Coz hey, who knows...?
-"Wes"
Meanwhile, you go stand in the corner and wear the Shame Hat.
I never take it off.
-Alloni 'n Chris
Somehow every time I think about this I'm brought back to the
Simpson's episode that reenacts the Civil War with monkeys.
-Jason
No...NO!!! Say it isn't true! I don't know if I can go on. You have
shaken the very foundation of my existence. I kept thinking, "As long
as Alloni cares about us, everything will be all right." But now? I
feel the world devolving into anarchy.
-Marhod
I can get you one of Jupiter's moons. I know a guy.
-Jason
Ok, both of you are completely getting off topic. The original thrust
was to find a way for Khanh to get hisself a feel of some
breastesesesess (real or not), and not just any breasts, but Alloni's
breasts. Let's get our priorities straight and then carry on.
Proceed.
-Khanh Nguyen
hmph! no fudgio for you.
-litho
Do you have any connections for Saturn's moons? I want Titan. I'm
willing to pay in sexual favors.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (willing to pay for anything at all)
I read this "Let's get our panties straight and then carry on."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I can not call you by your true name because I'm afraid that my head
will explode.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Giving herpes to poor innocent sheep is just wrong. The least you
could do if you got herpes is stop fucking the sheep.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Although they say they are wrinkle-free, I repress my chino's often.
They prefer to be called "you damn chinks".
-Khanh 'n Alloni
Imploding heads. Is that like detachable penis?
-Alloni Kramer
Bah! 50 hours... You insult me. I've got a buyer that will give me
75 and shes willing cater to my Jello fetish.
-Jason
DEAL! Get naked, I'm bringing the rocket over... be there in about 45
secs.
-Jason
Sounds painful. I wouldn't do something like that. I am not a
vengeful god.
-Alloni Kramer
wow. He used an @ sign instead of the letter 'a'. That's so 31337.
-Kevin (sarcasm? us?)
As if Balder Olrik sounds like a real name. Even a real German one.
Aren't all Germans named Hans, Adolf, or Albert?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Naturally. (As in literally. Nature's to blame.) Your average male
of fucking age is only so abrupt at first coz he assumes that
whomever's on the other end o' the line, he'll probably harbor a
secret desire to kill them. Or at least to beat them up and steal
their women and gold. Once he discovers it's his best shot at poon
tang instead, then mental mode switches from kill to fuck. And since
malekind's tendency toward the former has been pretty thoroughly
established, an unconscious part of the intended fuck-lure is for him
to talk gently, thereby demonstrating via mannerisms that said
girlfriend isn't on his kill list. Or something like that.
-"Wes"
I wouldn't mind living in an Amazon world.
-Marhod
I see. A quick and easy way to raise your spirits. "My girlfriend
may have threatened to call the cops if I come within 50 feet of her
again, but I've been quoted 782 times!" Alternately, use it to bash
others. "Your _paltry_ 263 quotes on the least mean _nothing_ when
compared to my self-evidently _superior_ 264."
-Alloni Kramer
His father isn't -Stan- Lee, it's -Bruce- Lee. Well, sort of. You see,
Brandon Lee became the Crow and eventually went mad with power. Aliens
disguised as Hollywood stuntmen executed him before he got out of
control. Unbeknownst to them, a clone was created and accelerated to
full growth in order to toy with the affections of Kevin Smith, who
was secretly Brandon Lee's sex slave. Jason Lee is only now beginning
to tap into the awesome powers of the Crow Force, which, it has since
been revealed, only created a duplicate of Brandon Lee, and it was
this duplicate that was "killed". The real Brandon Lee, of course,
remains safely in a cocoon deep in the Pacific Ocean, awaiting his
resurrection.
-Chris Wayne
Saw on the news the other day that Ecstacy is a deadly new scourge on
America's youth, imported mostly by Israeli crime families. Bottom
line: Blame the Jews. As usual.
-Chris Wayne
You just wait until the paranoia to get so intense that you begin to
doubt your own doubts. Paranoia that suspects itself collapses under
its own weight. Then nothing remains but bliss. So endeth the lesson.
-Chris Wayne
granted, women are INSANE and it is best to appease them preemptively.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (she has a point)
Hey! Trying to steal the credit for our hard work away from us? WE
BUILT THIS DRUG EMPIRE, DAMMIT, AND I'LL THANK YOU TO REMEMBER THAT!
-Alloni Kramer
34 hips? What kind of corset can produce that many?
-Chris Wayne
Jason is a Happy Boy too. With ticket in hand, I state:
I am going to Tattoo The Earth.
I may or may not get something tattoo'ed.
I may or may not get something pierced.
I will hurt myself doing something stupid.
I will have a fucking great time.
-Jason
Undead legions. I want undead legions. I have Garth, but that isn't
enough.
-Alloni Kramer
I am not a number. I am a free man. Or at least, a cheap date.
-Garth
Amish. Ecstasy. I'm having trouble seeing those two words together.
-Chris Wayne
It's times like these that an NRA membership is so important.
-Chris Wayne
I'm too jaded to accomplish the impossible. And too stubborn not to
try. Trapped between two character flaws. How irritating.
-Chris Wayne
mmm, face-rats.
-Chris Wayne (yes, my pretties)
dark bloody gook shot out and hit several people in the face.
So what did you do to make Khanh so angry?
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Stop it! You're tearing me apart. =*( I'm a delicate flower.
-Khanh Nguyen
Eh, you should be able to find some human body organs if you dig
through the body and blood of our lord and savior Jesus Christ long
enough.
-Josh Smith
Sine! Sine! Cosine! Sine! 3.14159!
-Khanh Nguyen (our cheer)
That's a neat trick. This gives me the confidence I need to raise the
dead, travel faster than light, withstand the irresistible force,
divide by zero, and answer "Does this make me look fat?" correctly.
-Chris Wayne
Jesus was made of crackers.
-Chris Wayne
In honor of nothing at all, I have decided to feel political. To
achieve this goal, I am playing Tom Lehrer's That Was The Year That
Was whilst reading old Doonesbury cartoons. It seems to be working.
I'm already hating Nixon.
-Alloni Kramer
Time to set the coffee pot, set the alarm and go to bed. Or throw up.
One of those.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You know, I think we're going in the wrong direction on this list.
We're spending too much time thinking about the movie and not enough
time thinking about having sex with the characters in the movie.
-Alloni Kramer (xmen dreams)
Now sit back and watch me become increasingly political as November
draws near.
And may god have mercy on all our souls.
-Josh 'n Alloni
Now the urine thing is starting to scare me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Men are no longer better at ANYTHING than we are!!
-Marhod (sure)
Ecstacy is just one small part of the intergalactic zionist
conspiracy. The other part has something to do with excessive body
hair.
-Jonathan Mayer
And source for a new conspiracy theory. Evidence: An action-packed
Jet Li vehicle, with a young, untested acting crew and a risky script,
all funded by the producers of the Matrix. Hypothesis: Savvy Jet Li
leverages the threat of a legal lawsuit against the producers who
plagarized Jet Li's fight choreography for the Matrix into bankrolling
his breakthrough US-release film. And Jet Li is an alien.
-Jonathan Mayer
Contact Project Echelon. They have copies of ALL of your phone calls.
-Gark Sommer
You joke, but I get a bizarre, possibly endorphin-related, pleasure
from plucking my nose hairs with tweezers.
-Josh Smith
You people don't deserve to be wiped out, then. <Alloni pouts.>
-Alloni Kramer
I've already been stalking Terri C. Sheep independently for quite some
time.
-Josh Smith
That is so sexist. Men are so much more than just "kill" and "fuck".
You totally forgot about "eat" and "sleep".
-Chris Wayne
I don't think the Amish do that. They just use cocaine so they can
work in the fields for seventeen hours a day. And then drink like fish
so they can sleep at night and start the cycle once again.
-Chris Wayne
Now why would you say that? Xavier could give you the best sex of your
life, even from several miles away. I'd think the S&M potential of
Wolverine's and Sabretooth's healing factors would be obvious,
although I'd recommend standing back before Wolverine has any, uh,
involuntary muscle contractions. Magneto could produce a pretty wide
variety of sexual aids, nuff said. Toad, well, I'm sure you could
think of some uses for such a long tongue. And Cyclops, um, just make
sure he isn't facing you. Work out the logistics of that one on your
own.
-Chris Wayne
Nope. Death != sex.
-Alloni Kramer
No, that's because some women smother their male children to maintain
global female dominance. Damn your estrogenical treachery!
Your mother was weak. It will not happen again.
-Chris 'n Jennifer
I remember when I was kid I always wondered how they kept those pieces
of Jesus from going bad after 2000 years.
Tupper-ware.
-Chris 'n Jason
The sign of Eth is rising in the air!
-Josh Smith
See, now not even I'm completely sure what I'm talking about.
-Josh Smith
I successfully counted to infinity once. Know what happened? I went
mad. Just ask the rats gnawing at my eyesockets. They'll tell you
about the international plot conducted by the UN security council to
make people steal jokes originally used years ago by others. They're
also slowly counting to negative infinity backwards. I successfully
counted to infinity once. Know what happened? I went mad.
-Josh Smith
Paging Dr. Sex with Tasha Yar! Er.. Jung. Paging Dr. Freud!
-Josh Smith
But seriously, I am beginning to think he was raised by wolves.
And what's wrong with that? I'm proud of my parents. And I can bring
down an elk in under 15 seconds. Can you say the same?
Only when I'm wearing the new trojans with "wild vegetation" flavored
lubricant.
-Jenn 'n Chris 'n Josh
Abducted is a terrorist organization whose sole intent is to overthrow
the US government and blow up government buildings, killing federal
employees with pipe bombs, C4, semtex, ANFO, and illegal assault
rifles. Side activities include importation of cocaine and heroin,
smuggling of cigars and sugar from Cuba (God bless Fidel Castro),
hacking government websites, selling ecstasy in clubs and at raves,
distribution of child pornography (Kiddie porn! Teen sex! Fucking
8-year-olds!), and infiltrating the FBI (Federal Bureau of
Investigation), CIA (Central Intelligence Agency), and NSA (National
Security Agency). We are working on obtaining chemical, nuclear, and
biological weaponry including, but not limited to, thermonuclear
warheads, missiles, suitcase bombs, anthrax, botulism, mustard gas,
sarin, and ricin, and selling them to the governments of Afghanistan,
Iraq, Iran, and Libya. To join us, send an email to
abducted@squishy.com with "I'm from the government and I'm here to
help you" in the subject field.
-Josh Smith
We here at RealMedia Inc. feel that this is the best way to control
every nuance of our file format. Screwing you over is just an added
bonus.
-Jason
I kid you not, for me, a good power nap can be as refreshing as great
sex.
-Johnston Reesor
Did you forgot to pay your "Don't let the Internet suck" tax again?
-Jason
That's cold. Also funny.
-Alloni Kramer
Gee, you make reproduction sound so violent
Only when you do it right.
-Marhod 'n Alloni
Fantastic!! Now you have more time to make more porno...
"Eastern-European Feminist Whores with Cheetahs of the Serengeti."
-Jason
My Country Went To The Moon And All I Got Was This Lousy Service
Industry Job
-Johnston Reesor
I read he's getting nook from Britney Spears.
Who isn't? Besides any of us.
-Josh 'n Chris
It has been well-established by this point that my knowledge of higher
mathematics comes from the back of cereal boxes.
-Chris Wayne
Would someone please switch the internet from suck to blow?
-Chris Wayne
I remember reading somewhere (probably a box of Froot Loops) that
transfinite mathematics was invented by a monk trying to understand
the universe as God Himself must see it. He went quite mad.
-Chris Wayne
Kentucky Jelly is one of my favorite condom mints.
-Chris Wayne
Josh + beer = incoherent philosophical Josh. This is why I changed my
major to economics, folks.
And the philosophers rejoicing almost, but not quite, drowns out the
sound of Adam Smith turning over in his grave.
-Josh 'n Chris
I want to make a porno called the Sex Sense. Pretty much for no other
reason than to get a pornstar to say the line "I fuck dead people".
-Chris Wayne
And yet the universe conspires against you.
-Chris Wayne
I can just see trying to explain this to a grieving mother. "Well, no,
your child isn't actually with God in Heaven but instead will forever
reside in a nebulous state of oblivion between Heaven and Hell."
-Chris Wayne
Anyway, yes. Perfect Storm does fit this structure. We are initially
introduced to the main characters, and eventually, to some of the
secondary characters. Then something big happens, then it gets
resolved, and then we have a conclusion. Yes, you're right, Jason.
It's all one big formula.
-Nathan Winant
I mean, hey, kinky shapechanging blue supermodels. It takes a whole
lotta dead sailors to beat that.
-Nathan Winant
- Pose as a prostitute as part of a police sting to help clean up this
town.
- Discover true beauty in the heart of a single, perfect rose.
- Kill all them mofos keep stealing my bitches.
- Get 'fropped.
- Be implicated in a political scandal that might cost me my office,
which is a pity, as the best way to get cheap smack is to have
political power.
-Alloni Kramer (things i could have been doing)
Does the entire Los Angeles metropolitan area get nuked by the
Japanese in Space Cowboys?
Doesn't that happen in every movie?
-Josh 'n Chris
Bloody goat sacrifice to the God of File Transfers?
-Jason
Superman. What a fucking maroon. What a Boy Scout. His only saving
quality was that it was really fun to witness all those times when
Batman outwitted him, shortsheeted his bed, rang the doorbell at his
Fortress of Solitude and RAN LIKE HELL, or just plain kicked his ass
again... and again... and again...
-"Wes"
Ooh. I'm so scared. I'm shaking in my casts.
-Kevin
Icky guys keep liking me. I don't like icky guys. Ew.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
you know, i was thinking about superman the other day - i think of him
a lot. him and batman. and no, _not_ together.
-litho (she claims)
Rogue's power is to suck lifeforce from others on touch.
Sorta sounds like my last girlfriend...
-Alloni 'n "Wes"
And we will all check our email when we go
Just to make sure that all of abducted knows
We'll meet at the past life the-ater
Then head towards the great big he-ater
Yes we all will check our email when we go.
And we will all sing Tom Lehrer songs when we go
Well, at least that's true for everyone I know
For when the air becomes methane-ous
We will exhale simultaneous
And we all will sing Tom Lehrer songs
Yes we'll all sing Tom Lehrer songs
Yes we all will sing Tom Lehrer songs when we go
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
a lot of canadian films tend to be quite good. mostly because we
don't have
a high I.Q.? Wait, let me amuse you my shaking a shiny object
side-to-side. Look pretty shiny thing. This Bash Canada Statement was
brought to you by Jason, The leader in Anti-Canada something... You
got the idea, eh?. aboot, haha.
-litho 'n Jason
Fear the dawn. Fear it.
-Chris Wayne (vampire)
Lesson for today: Picante sauce goes on motherfuckin' EVERYTHING!
-Nathan Winant
Careful. On this list, we are all easily distracted by shiney things.
You could paralyze us for life. Poing! Poing!
-Alloni Kramer
you know, i've never understood why statians think that we say aboot
and oot because i don't know anyone who does.
Yeah. Right. Who d'you think we'll believe, you, who only lives
there, or the media?
-litho 'n Alloni
Precisely. Practice saying "aboot" and "oot", drink lots of beer, put
the word "eh" at the end of every sentence no matter what it is and
randomly throughout ("So here's the plan, eh? Marcos, you hide in the
crowd with the submachine gun, eh, and when the Presidente comes oot
of the villa, eh, open fire, eh?") Eat lots of Canadian Bacon. Wear
Mountie garb AT ALL TIMES. Then, and only then, will you be a Real
Canadian.
-Alloni Kramer
Yeah, lex eventually had to get a cybernetic hand, because as you
might remember, he had this tendency to wave around chunks of glowing,
green, radioactive alien materials. Naturally, he blamed his lost hand
on... superman.
-Nathan Winant
Yeah, I always wondered about that too. I mean, it's cool and all, but
toasted cheese sandwiches are pretty cool too. Maybe toasted cheese
sandwiches are actually synthetic adamantium?
-Nathan Winant
I think I'm gonna get in the habit of blaming superman for all my
problems.
-Nathan Winant
I blame Lawrence Olivier. And Webster. Damn you Emmanuel Lewis!!!
-Chris Wayne
I can wait half an hour I can't wait half an hour I will eat them all
soon very soon eat them.
-Alloni Kramer
Don't forget to wait at least half an hour *after* eating them before
getting into the swimming pool or you'll get cramps and the aliens
will reject you as their host and impale your brain with their
flailing nose hairs on their way out of your ears.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Apparently, each and every state flag has somewhere on it a small
embroidered marmoset.
-Alloni Kramer
Apparently, if you leave a Twinkie in a dark closet for three weeks,
it'll start glowing red and melt through the floor.
-Alloni Kramer
Apparently, Sinead O'Connor is secretly the identical twin sister of
Martin Short. (Or possibly Martin Sheen, I keep getting the two
confused.)
-Alloni Kramer
Dammit, boy! Here we're trying to have a serious, highbrow
discussion, and you just *gotta* derail it with such a silly
observation. Everyone knows it doesn't *melt* through the floor... it
*eats* through the floor. And it only glows red if you make it angry.
Please, let's try to keep touch with reality, okay?
-"Wes"
Jesus I am easily distracted. Must form plan. Must be DJ. Must conquer
goth of New Orleans. Must rule world. Must sleep am drunk.
*snorrrrrrrrrkkk*
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"there is a little Godzilla in all of us." BREEARK!!!
-Garth
Most men don't need to go to a web page to learn how to pee.
-Garth
I think I shall become a Shriner. Clearly, they have the best drugs.
-Nathan Winant
Don't discourage him! He'd be so cute in the little red hat.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yay for me! I have new semi-erotic/vaguely-artsy-porn for my desktop!
Huzzah!
-Nathan Winant
Think of me as a puppet, a cartoon character. I mean, the law does;
you may as well.
-Nathan Winant
Eww. When I said I was willing to sacrifice my principles and my
pride, I didn't realize that might mean... being Piers Anthony...
Ew!!! I wash and wash and wash, BUT I CAN'T GET CLEAN!!!!
-Nathan Winant
Easy enough. Evil clowns are very big these days. I mean, how many
movies can you think of that feature evil clowns? I bet the answer is
at least several. With that kind of media push, you get to do evil
things to gain money, get public funds to treat your evil-clowninity,
although you'll need to give it a wacky psychiatric name, _and_ have
the panty-waisted liberal media on your side. You can't lose! And
even if you do lose, what do I care? You're the one dressing up as an
evil clown, not me.
-Alloni Kramer
Damn straight, thing are getting pretty sketchy around here lately.
I'm down to a quarter of an oz., and a lot of that's seeds and stems.
I mean, it's to the point where I'm cultivating an old loaf of bread
for fungi. ... Oh sure, this all can only result in crazed, paranoid
boschian nightmarescapes that will irreparably twist my conscious mind
into something dark and broken, twist the faces of my loved ones into
relentless, hellish demon visions, twist my dreams into my prison and
noonday shadows into my accusors, driving me to a violent, bloody
grave begging only for hope of one brief moment of quiet. But hey,
beggars can't be choosers...
-Nathan Winant
Never let it be said that I'm too proud to beat up a midget.
-Nathan Winant
Actually, I spent a coupla summers working as a minimalist bow tie.
-Nathan Winant
Your lack of drugs is causing you to hallucinate? Never let it be
said that you don't lead an interesting lifestyle.
-Alloni Kramer
Remember alloni, this is Jennifer. This is the same Jennifer whose
body is uniquely adapted to life in modern society. This is the same
Jennifer whose pineal gland naturally produces psychotropics. This is
Jennifer, for whom sweat is a powerful narcotic. This is Jennifer,
whose body filters beer to fulfill all of its nutritional
requirements, and returns the waste in form of twenty-dollar bills.
This is Jennifer, whose orifices self-lubricate with high-dollar
caribbean rum. This is Jennifer. The next stage in urban evolution.
-Nathan Winant
I prefer it my way. Therefore, I will ignore anything you say to the
contrary, and continue for the rest of your life to believe that you
hallucinate when not on drugs. This will probably not change your
life in any way, except that every now and again I'll ask you whether
or not you've taken drugs recently, and if you say no, I will run
around with my arms in the air screaming, and then claim you
hallucinated it. This will greatly annoy you. Luckily, the chances
of you not having taken your drugs recently on any given day are slim.
-Alloni Kramer
Hat found! DISASTER AVERTED!
-Nathan Winant
I kick yo arses!
-Funky J
Odd feeling. Suddenly wake up in the morning, look around, and say to
self, self, I say, self, where were you? Touring Switzerland. I
didn't like the Swiss. They're all such round folk. They look round,
they talk round, they go on and on and on and never seem to get to any
sort of point. They acted funny. I feared them. So I returned to
you bearing gifts. Look! Fudge! Self lies. It had no fudge. As it
is my soul and spark of perspiration, though, it managed to persuade
me that it did have fudge, and we shared it and laughed and laughed.
Nitrous fudge. New from Designer Imports. Designer Imports: We make
fun - of you.
-Alloni Kramer
I never hallucinate broswer windows. My hallucinations are all far
more interesting than that.
-Alloni Kramer
Are you questioning my total mastery of time and space, woman?
-Alloni Kramer
But I have a cute ass-kickin naughty schoolgirl to fight with.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Careful, or next time I'll turn the Mississippi into blood. Or
something.
Beer, Goddamit!! Use superpowers for good. Please remove fish from
river before ingestion.
-Alloni 'n Tweed
There are tons o people looking to get their asses kicked by The
Funky.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Dear Abducted,
All is well here in Northern California. How have you been? Please
send money.
Love, Giles
-Gibo
It's not much of a plague if it doesn't personally inconvenience you.
Hmm. Got any firstborn?
-Alloni Kramer
I recommend lice and boils. Always a crowd pleaser.
-Chris Wayne
Contrary to popular opinion, George W. Bush is a real person and not
just a ridiculous American joke, common sense notwithstanding.
-Chris Wayne
You'll like this-- one of my exes almost broke my neck.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (only almost?)
If you know a better way to anger pastries than keeping them in a dark
closet, I'd like to see it. You should see what danishes do.
-Chris Wayne
I just saw a news segment about the Philippine kid that made the
ILOVEYOU script. Charges were dropped because the country didn't have
any anti-hacking laws. The second silver lining: "He has been
inundated with job offers." Fuck a college degree, I'm writing a
virus!
-Jason
Yet again, american scientists struggle to keep up with Kevin Bacon.
-Nathan Winant
Why do I wanna find out where I might reach this person? As stated,
for the sole purpose of letting him know just how happy I am for him.
Every time I think of that fellow, I can't begin to describe the
feelings that I experience. To have created such a cool virus... and
it really is cool, too! Why, I was impressed beyond words by the
damage it did to my computer! For days afterward, I enjoyed the
recurring thought of just how delighted I was by the thing, and just
how much I'd wanna meet its creator. Maybe shake his hand. Yeah.
-"Wes"
Now that's a euphemism I hadn't heard before. "She has huge...
potential."
-Alloni Kramer
I think....I want to be Chris Wayne.
You are.
Aren't we all, in a way? I know I am.
No... I'm sorry, you're not. Your membership card has been suspended.
Please stop being Chris Wayne.
-Khanh 'n Alloni 'n Chris 'n Jason
Horoscopes I'd like to see...
Aries: A Pisces is out to get you. You know what you must do.
Pisces: An Aries will hurt your family today. Only you can stop him.
Scorpio: You will cause mayhem today. Just sit back and laugh.
-Chris Wayne
The problem with bizarre money-making schemes is that no one will
share the ones that work. Consider my vast rubber band empire.... um,
forget I mentioned that, OK?
-Chris Wayne
Oh, I've imagined it all right. Sweet, sweet vengeance. Just reaching
out and slowly encircling your throat in my hands. You try to resist
me, but, no, I'm far too strong for you. Besides, it's better for me
if you squirm about, trying to escape, and then I see the moment the
futility is reflected in your eyes. Slowly my fingers work their way
up your vertebrae, one, two, three, linger there... there between
three and four... just for a moment... and then, you feel my fingers
move on, just as it seems I'm about to let go.... *SNAP* um, excuse
me, what were you saying?
-Chris Wayne
Almost killing your girlfriend kinda limits your conversation.
-Chris Wayne
Hooray! There's a little Chris Wayne in everyone! I keep mine in my
pocket.
-Khanh Nguyen
How about rain of flaming marshmallows and molten chocolate? Kind of a
"S'mores of Divine Wrath" sort of thing.
-Chris Wayne
Forced into excitement by how
Utterly easy the plan was, I lost
Cognitive reasoning for a moment.
Keen ideas of simplicity blinded
Your feelings. I hope that
Our friendship does not end. I have the
Utmost respect for you.
-Jason
Damn! My plan for world conquest involving his seducing the Queen of
England is in complete ruins! This has forced my hand; I must now move
on to Phase Two, ahead of schedule. Bring me my brown pants!
-Chris Wayne
Wow. This is the first time I've ever known anyone outside of my own
family to say "Bring me my brown pants!" I'm so *sniff* proud.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No Jennifer, I had a minion key your car because of that thing you did
two days ago. Yup, I saw that. Bad Jennifer.
-Jason
Alike thinkers mind greatness. Or something like that.
-Chris Wayne
I like to get a little Chris Wayne into as many people as possible.
Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, man of the world....
-Chris Wayne
Hooray! Prostitution for everyone!
-Alloni Kramer
I'd never harm you, my dear, sweet Marhod. Sweet, precious Marhod.
Sweet, juicy Marhod. Sweet, juicy, tender Marhod. mmmmm, Marhod....
-Chris Wayne
Oh, come on. You're trying to tell me that you don't swindle your
insurance out of money by going to prostitutes and calling them
physical therapists?
Nope, absolutely not. I signed up for the optional prostitution
insurance. It covers 80% of prostitution fees, up to $100,000 of court
costs (after a $500 deductible), and monthly STD screenings.
-Alloni 'n Chris
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Hello Kitty Skin. Tasty.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (tender 'n juicy)
Why do they have to complicate my life so by being nice and getting me
drunk?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ah jes, and I, too, being one of dark, smoldering skeen, suffer dee
curse of the rrred-hot lover's blood boiling trew my veins. Weemen
ovulate at dee very sight of me.
-Khanh Nguyen
NO ELDER GOD IN MY COUNTRY!!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (as if you can prevent it)
There's nothing like drunken big-screen badly dubbed Godzilla action.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've finally become sick of living like a sausage.
-Tweed
my hovercraft is full of OH MY GOD! THERE'S AN AXE IN MY HEAD!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm sure I'm not the first person to make this observation, but I
think it's immensely amusing that Khanh is now the vietnamese neighbor
on _King Of The Hill_.
-Nathan Winant
Rosie O'Donnell scares the bloody hell out of me.
-Nathan Winant
Today for lunch I had multiple orgasms.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Must have boyfriend by Thursday.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
ALL I WANT IS LIFE TO BE SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Funky J
I never smoked. It was all a ruse.
-Garth
<celebratory dance>Woohoo! I get a spanking! I get a spanking! Nanee
nanee boo boo!</celebratory dance>
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My mom thinks that somebody was going to try to sell me into slavery.
Then he found out that I liked Sisters of Mercy (in 1989) and never
called me back.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
TUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMYTUMMY
-Khanh Nguyen
Tease! Must...resist...red bottoms and toro!
-Khanh Nguyen
Is that Chris Wayne in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-Garth
YOU WRITE HTML LIKE A GIRL!
-Jason
Official Abducted Holiday: ("Wes")
If I am ever elected President (or king, or Chairman of the Board, or
any *other* job that leads me to hold power over entire nations, I'm
gonna institute a yearly holiday in celebration of toilet paper.
I mean it. It deserves a national holiday. It's the greatest thing
man's ever invented. Except maybe beer. And 'frop.
All foods consumed on National Toilet Paper Day (tm) must have toilet
paper as some part of their recipes. If you're cooking for people you
don't really like, it doesn't necessarily have to be fresh. Chef's
whim.
Front yards everywhere must be uniformly white by midnight. Failure
to comply would mean execution or something. In a way, this would be
the high point of the celebration, the equivalent of those fireworks
on the evening of the Fourth. (Radar sez "or the lighting of Santa
Claus." Fucking weirdo.) Coz hey, that's the single most delightful
use of toilet paper... redecorating the front yards of your best
friends (or worst enemies; it's all good) with equally unholy joy.
Maybe there should be some kinda Lent thing (or Ash Whatever... I'm
not Catholic) before Toilet Paper Day. Maybe people shouln't wipe
their asses for a week, just so's they can appreciate Toilet Paper Day
when it arrives. Hell, a celebration like that could even blow Mardi
Gras away.
'Kay, I'm bored now.
Official Abducted MegaTheory: (Alloni Kramer)
Truth has revealed itself to me.
You know how you can find several hundred people, each claiming to be
the reincarnation of Cleopatra or Tutankhamun and so forth?
They're all right.
People in The Olden Days had mighty souls. However, as more and more
people have been on the planet at the same time, such souls have been
ripped into smaller and smaller pieces. This explains the general
soullessness of humanity at this point.
So my goal now is to wipe out as much of humanity as possible, that
the few remaining survivors will have children with MegaSouls.
The MegaSouls will presumably give them superpowers, and the few of
them can battle until only one pair remain, and they will be Adam and
Eve, and they'll have a child, and the child will be God, and God
shall destroy the universe, and all shall return to oneness.
Makes sense.
Official Abducted Secret Of Springfield: ("Wes")
No, it's every state. Rhode Island just keeps their own Springfield a
close secret, coz that's where all their hippies live. And few things
can damage a New England state's tourist attraction value like a bunch
of unwashed, long-haired peaceniks.
Springfield, Hawaii is particularly fascinating. Apparently it
predates the islands' discovery by the European powers. Parallel
evolution at its most bizarre.
Aaaaand then there's the other countries' pathetic attempts to jump in
on the action. Nine out of ten speech therapists agree that
Springfierd, Japan counts as one such.
Official Abducted As They Says: (Alloni Kramer)
Half a hole is better than none.
Two birds in the hand are better than one in the bush.
He who hesitates will be laughed at by his peers and die in a gutter
drowning his sorrows in cheap booze.
A bush on the hand is better than two birds in the basement.
A stitch in time saves semicolon.
For want of a nail, I couldn't hang my picture.
By the pricking of my nose, something wicked this way blows.
Market "penetration", eh? Eh eh?
Sea shells she sells by the she sore.
Mommy? Can I go to the restroom?
The square root of the square of the hypotenuse equals the square root
of the square of the roots of the other two sides. Depending.
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Why greensleeves? I prefer blue.
The more things change, the more drugs you've taken.
"Taurus: contemplate domestic turmoil. Aquarius: abandon hope for
future plans."
Everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Yours was in 1973, "Flipper baby
born".
Everyone also gets 15 minutes of fate. You are fated not to believe
any predictions of your fate.
Now I'm just getting insulting. We will move back to sayingmangling.
One if by land. Two if by sea. Three if by trained killer flying
fish.
Six of one + 1/2 dozen of the other comes to, lessee, $.60 apiece for
the one, $.80 apiece for the other comes to $8.40, plus tax equals
$9.11. Thank you, sir, have a nice day.
Coronary thrombosis doesn't kill people. People kill people.
Math trivia: a google is a one followed by a hundred zeros. A google
plex is a one followed by a google zeros. Or, to put it otherwise,
google = 10^100, google plex = 10^10^100. Think, next time you're in
a dare/double dare/triple dare/etc situation, and they say, "I google
dare you!", you can quickly and easily up the ante with "I google plex
dare you!" Of course, eventually they'll pull out the infinity
bazooka, but you'll have a brief feeling of superiority first.
Of course, this requires them to know what a google is.
Marketing is the spice of life.
Which is the second time I've said that word this email. Must watch
myself.
Mind your p's and q's and b's and d's and s's and m's.
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.
I wish to awaken tomorrow morning in a puddle of vomit and cheap
booze.
As the screw turns.
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