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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Sleep deprivation has killed me. It will probably be a closed casket.
You're all invited; there should hopefully be a keg at the wake, and
maybe some reasonably decent music (if you can stand people mixing
industrial and Jimmy Buffet). You may have to bring your own 'frop,
but I wouldn't count on it. However, the scratching of obscenities and
"Looni wuz here" quotes into my casket will net you a haunting.
-"Wes"
-Woke up.
-Got 'fropped.
-Experienced complete and total mental lucidity. Solved many mental
issues in 15 minutes.
-Spent an hour sitting on the couch and wondering how the hell I did
that.
-Got 'fropped.
...
-'Frop.
-Stared at the fishtank for an hour or so. Found myself thinking about
my emotional stability. Found that I had some.
-'Fropped in celebration.
-Wondered if I got 'fropped too much.
-will.
So poop on you and all that you stand for, you jive-talkin' turkey.
-will.
Trust me, Alloni, you'll be appreciated when you're dead and gone.
When you really need it most.
-Chris Wayne
Screw you guys, I'm going home. Metaphorically.
-Alloni Kramer
'Fropping/Gettin' 'fropped/etc. means that you uhm.. y'know.. smoked..
that.. stuff.. green stuff.. makes yer head all loopy and whatnot..
y'know.. y'know what I'm talkin' about. Parsley. Right. Riiiiiiiight.
-will.
I keep reading this glow stick job, which leads me to blow job and I
laaaaaaaaaaaaugh.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
is pumpernickel a color or just a food? I mean, I know it's a food,
but is it a color also? I want it to be a color.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
How about if some guy named Nicol (which could be a very nice French
name) cut an orifice into the bread and pretended it was a chick. Then
the bystanders started shouting "Pump 'er Nicol!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Not bad! The only (very slight) problem is that whether it's smoking
parsley or monkey's ankles, smoking is still an operative word, there.
And that could be bad. That could mislead people into thinking we
might be discussing something illegal. Or worse, cigarettes. I worry
a little about this, coz hey, who KNOWS what interests or
organizations might be represented by a given Lystoid? Hell, I could
be a wee tot, led to believe that cigarettes are good for me! Or
worse, I might be some fucking prick of a Fed dude, taking notes in
the holy name of the War against Freedo-- ahem. Drugs. Fortunately,
actual exposure to 'frop puts the lie to such possible trains of
thought. For as we all know, 'frop is generally not smoked (though I
suppose it could be). More common vectors include eating it, drinking
it as an additive to V8 juice, inserting it under the eyelids, and/or
rubbing it all over the chest, belly and genitalia. Some extremists
favor anal insertion, but this is considered a no-no by most
'fropologists; insertion of too large an amount can lead to
unnecessary tearing of the anal tissues and discomfort in general. I
hope this may have provided some small assistance toward clearing the
matter up.
-"Wes"
"There were two women, the daughters of one mother; and they played
the harlot in Egypt. They played the harlot in their youth; there
their breasts were pressed, and there their virgin bosom was
handled.... she lusted after her lovers... and she bestowed her
harlotries on them, all of whom were the choicest men of Assyria....
for in her youth men had lain with her, and they handled her virgin
bosom and poured out their lust on her."
Modern translation (via spam email most likely): "Hot studs jizz on
teen sluts!!"
-Jennifer 'n Trevor
The Holy Bible = world's oldest stroke book
-Trevor Walton
I have probably seriously damaged any possibility of having sex this
week and I refer to not think about that, thank you. But he did
deserve it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I just found out what the company motto is of Zilliant. Y'see, we do
a service that checks prices of things off the internet, so you can
see what your competitors charge, and other such stuff. The motto for
this is deeply amusingly cynical: "Everyone has a price. With
Zilliant, you'll know what it is." I _like_ this place.
-Alloni Kramer
Souls would be nice, especially if they're still twitching.
-"Wes"
When will you people learn that death is never the answer. For you or
anyone else (except in the argument of the Earth's over population).
You people need to learn how to fuck with each other. //will./// has
the right idea in the sense of faking his death, but take it further.
When the feeling hits you, follow the someone from "you past life";
when they turn around and look, duck into an ally or behind a tree.
After an hour, you'd have this person brainwashed into seeing you
everywhere... In a passing car, a bowl of fruit... Mission
Accomplished. Even further? Call that person from a pay phone...
"Billy, this is Jason! I need your help!!" and hang up.
-Jason
If I don't open this "I LOVE YOU" email, will you smite me anyway?!?
I've been bad... or good. I'll be what will ever get me the smite. I
got to have it. I NEED IT!
-Jason
I smite on request.
Ooooohhhh Yeeeaahhhh.... arhgharghhgarhg.....
-Jennifer 'n Jason
However, I had something interesting pointed out to me just now...
Almost everyone who ran the virus (including a lot of people in
engineering, who should know better) were female. Call me sexist if
you like, but it's true. People just want to be loved. Women
especially.
-Nathan Winant (re: herbie, the love bug)
Never trust a message with the subject in all-caps.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
There's only one kinda woman who's lonely and an engineer... ... Tha
MARRYIN' kind!
-Nathan Winant
"That's write, punk, it's Macho Mail VB Savage, and your server's
goin' dooOOOOOoown!!!!!"
-Nathan Winant
Heh... your steenkin' M$ viruses can't hurt mutt running under Solaris
6 :^)
Oh yeah?!?! I'll http to /823xxxxxx98f98h23 and fill up you err.log
slowly! take that.
-Michael 'n Jason
anyway, my suicide note would read "come to the funeral and see if I
really *AM* the new messiah..."
-Funky J
I think the best solution would be the bill gates tithe box. Every
time you use the computer, you put in a dime. At the end of the month,
send it to bill. If we do this, maybe he will let loose the licensing
restrictions. And monkeys will be flying out of my shorts in 15
minutes. Details on the evening news.
-Gark Sommer
I mean, Jimmy Buffet is all right, but there are limits. I have
reached them. I need different earworms to fight off that one. They
battle inside your head for dominance. Earworms are sophisticated
predatory memes. Earworms is probably a misnomer, as you never see
two worms, horns locked, in one of nature's awesome death-struggles.
One of them isn't young and strong, and the other isn't old and
crafty, and the young one doesn't try to take advantage of the old
one's blind side, which is the move the old one is waiting for, and it
doesn't rip the throat out of the young one while it's offbalanced.
Worms are peaceful, placid creatures, who live only to provide
nutrients to the soil. They should be like unicorns, bringers of
peace and tranquility, removers of poison and symbols of purity.
Instead, we fish with them. It's a hard life. It's a hard knock life
- for us. NO NOT ANNIE. I refuse to have Annie earworms. Especially
since I haven't seen the play or the movie or any singing incarnation
therefore for many years, so I'll just have the same line overing, and
I will kill people who stand in my path, and it'll be happy hour soon.
-Alloni Kramer
I just realized that the ILOVEYOU virus was created by Metallica to
eat everyone's Metallica mp3s.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes. Give yourself over to the great recycler in the sky. A new life
awaits you in the off-world colonies.
-Jonathan Mayer
I turn my cable off for a few months, and american pop culture gets
all uppity.
-Jonathan Mayer
Added bonus: Irvine is a spiritual wasteland. There are no good
clubs. There are no good resturants. I couldn't even find a halfway
decent bar. I tell you man, that town is like an oyster bar for
soul-sucking demons. When will the Clinton administration finally
address the soul-sucking demon problem that terrorizes our fair and
pleasant land?
-Jonathan Mayer
oh god. my coworkers are playing Rainbow Connection backwards to see
if there are any satanic messages.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've never said Don Knotts during sex.... But I will now.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The British are hacking, the british are hacking!! One if by email,
two if by newsgroup.
-Jason
Slashdot told me never to underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Slashdot also told me to kill you.
-Nathan Winant
Who do I want to kill today?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
how do you stop what if's?
One warning, then a large blunt object to the face.
You guys always make me smile.
-Tweed 'n Jason 'n Tweed
People are so sad... in a dumb way. I mean, people are so dumb... in a
sad way. OK, I probably mean both.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
DON'T TEASE! IF YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN ME A SHORT WHILE, IT SHOULD BE
APPARENT THAT RULE 1 IS, DON'T TEASE the DROBNOX!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
how do you stop what if's?
Take away their credit card. Aheh! Aheh! I'm so funny! Take away
their credit card! Genius! See, because the subtext here is "how do
you stop what ifs from charging", and if you take away their credit
cards, they can't "charge", get it? Get it?
-Tweed 'n Alloni
I just ate your puppy. Does that make you smile?
Not sure... Did you eat the one with worms or the one with testicular
cancer?
-Garth 'n Jason
I heard what sounded like thunder outside... Instead of leaning to the
left, opening the blinds, and looking out the window; I hit
intellicast.com and watched the radar loop.
-Jason
The marmosets have been mollified for a short time. Now all you have
to fear are the mandrills.
I remember back when I was in girls school and we had man drills every
night.
-Dr. Obnox 'n Garth
But what they should really say is "Deltasone may cause you to torture
small animals, kill babies, step on squirrels, rip the hearts out of
the chests of your co-workers and eat them, jump up and down
uncontrollably, vibrate on command, and explode.")
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have just spoken to God and he told me that Alloni looks so good in
that dress because he's really a girl.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wait. Jennifer pretends to have no money. Yet she is rich enough to
bribe doctors to fake things to get her drugs. Jennifer, are you... a
dealer?
-Alloni Kramer
Bar-b-q'ed alien leftovers? I'm in.
-Jason
Sorry, we didn't have camera's when I was a kid. Just woodpeckers in a
box that chisel images in stone tablets.
-Garth
DAMN! All that cheese and no me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
..sure is hard to look at porn when your coworkers keep walking behind
you. Damn coworkers.
-will.
Maybe if you yell out really loud "HEY! COULD I GET SOME PRIVACY
AROUND HERE??? I'M TRYING TO LOOK AT PORN!!!!!" Then all the people
who don't want to see will go away and all the people who do want to
see will crowd around you and tell you some good sites to go to.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You can't see me right now, but I'm doing a happy dance... just for
you, man. It's all about the happy dance.
-Jason
YAY! I get to boss people around!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hah! Nobody is a MIGHTIER Pokemon Trainer than SPOCK!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
Guilty as charged. I did, in fact order a buxket of fuck. Now ask me
what I'm gonna do with it.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
Grand Unified Field Theory, hey? Hey hey? Nudge nudge, wink wink!
-Alloni Kramer
oNLY IF YOUR DEATH WAS THE RESULT OF AN AUTO-EROTICA DEVICE. tHIS
HAPPENED TO vAUGH bODE AND HE IS STILL MISSED.
-Gark Sommer
They haven't invented the auto-erotic device yet that could kill ME!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
anybody got that picture of me in a chain mail bra around? I can't
find it on the net.
I'll get it out from under my pillow and snail-mail it to you. If you
wrinkle it a bit, the crust will crack and flake away, and you can
scan it.
-Jennifer 'n Dr. Obnox
Somewhere out on the net, someone is pretending to be a male version
of me, in an attempt to seduce or confuse me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wasn't it Bill Barker? I sort of doubt that Bob Barker ever liked us.
We've been so very negligent with our spaying and neutering.
-Chris Wayne
make stop. want kidney not go ow. make stop. I sed make stop!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (diseased)
I hear ice picks are good for that.
"To eat?"
No, not to eat. To gouge your kidneys out with!
"Why would I want to do that?"
If you stab yourself repeatedly, the loss of blood to your skull will
cause you to lose sensation in most of your body, thus relieving you
of pain, but could eventually lead to death.
"Ooooo, I don't wanna die!"
Then make sure your timing's not off.
"I'm infested with flesh-eating bacteria."
Nice.
-will.
And Damn you to six of the seven layers of hell for inducing me to
give you a straight answer!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I just tried to type if and it came out og.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Google.com did turn up some porn, um, I mean some valuable information
that is currently under intense review.
-Jason
Is this the same bra in both pics? Do you have the peter pan/pinking
shear/triangle point hangdown thingy's tucked underneath in the close
up? It's really hard for me to concentrate on your enormous breasts
when I have these nagging questions!! God DAMN IT!
-Jason
I was almost 16 before I found out that mandrill wasn't sexual slang.
-Chris Wayne
If I were to die unexpectedly, you'd miss me, right?
You won't die unexpectedly. At least, not to me. Besides, it's not
like I couldn't just open the freezer door and say hi.
-Alloni 'n Chris
I know my underwire jockstrap chafes me something awful.
-Chris Wayne
I don't care how much you're in love, I just don't see "I was a crack
whore from '93 to '96 and had sex with ~4500 strangers" coming up in
casual conversation.
-Chris Wayne
That car ruined Easter, but that James Cagney implant has been nothing
but trouble.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Last week I ran really low on gas. I bought 13.796 gallons. Which is
odd, because the tank only holds 13.2 gallons. So who is more likely
to lie to me, the international oil cartel or a German car company
founded by Hitler?
-Chris Wayne
What about Mr. Dick Sock Puppet?
-Tweed
The first time I read this, it came to me as: I'm jamming your
lovebox...
-Tweed
Are you David Duchovny? It's OK, you can tell us.
-Chris Wayne
In 300 years, when your emails hang in museums, with small plaques
beneath them saying "The artist died unregarded in poverty", then you
can thank me for this.
-Chris Wayne
That does make sense. Everyone is saying how bad their allergies are
this year. Mine have been awful for about three weeks now. Wait. Did I
just say that Jennifer made sense? Maybe I should see a doctor. I
might be far sicker than I thought.
-Chris Wayne
Dear God woman! Get thee to a nunnery! uh, I mean video store.
-Chris Wayne
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She already didn't listen twice.
*Warning* Do not read this email if you are easily offended.
oh. I guess I should have put that at the beginning.
Oh well. Next time.
-Chris Wayne
Hooray! I can't wait 'till you die!
-Chris Wayne
Remind me to die in poverty soon so I can get it over with.
-Alloni Kramer
Studies have proven that intermittent reinforcement is much more
effective. Keep being amusing. You'll be rewarded at random intervals.
Press a lever.
This is an unnervingly accurate description of my interaction with you
folk. Fear.
-Chris 'n Alloni
For those of you not in The Know, there are three types:
Bitching: Complaining when there's nothing you can do about whatever
it is you're complaining about just to blow off steam
Complaining: Complaining to someone in order to get something done
about the thing you're complaining about (ie telling your waiter that
your water has a fly in it in order to get another glass of water).
Whining: Complaining about something that there's something you can
do about but complaining isn't it (ie telling the people at the tables
around you that your water has a fly in it).
You have new vocabulary now.
-Alloni Kramer
There's still another chance for apocalypse. The Mayan calendar runs
out in 2012, so we're not safe yet. Keeping praying and sending those
donations!
-Chris Wayne
Is this part of some fiendish plot to create a 65th crayon?
-Chris Wayne
I tend to take alliteration too far. It's a bad habit. I realize. I
am ashamed. Ashamed! Ashamed of my great hubris! My pride is great,
but my shame is greater! I AM MORE ASHAMED OF MY PRIDE THAN ANYONE
HAS EVER BEEN BEFORE, AND I'M PROUD OF THAT FACT!
-Alloni Kramer
At least Chris Wayne still loves me.
Me love you long time.
-Alloni 'n Chris
With God, all things are possible, including His non-existence.
-Chris Wayne
Never. I will have my body cryogenically frozen and sealed in a
closed-circuit cold suit. Scientists will implant my body with
thingies that will keep my brain and body parts and whatnot mobile. My
body will be dead, but I will still be alive and able to.. uhm.. come
to work every day.. jeez.. yeah..
-will.
Japan is buying Verio? I hope you like mid-eighties BritPop.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, cashing in your IRA at 59=BD is pretty nice. And some places
give you free donuts & coffee when you turn 50 too. Of course, that
25-year wait is awful long just for a cup of coffee.
-Chris Wayne
Unfortunately, blind faith protects them from logical conundrums. Go
figure.
-Chris Wayne
Blind faith doesn't protect you from high caliber.
-Alloni Kramer
I just realized that in some way, the uvula and the cervix are
similar. I mean, aside form being parts of my body.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well beat me and call me Antidisestablishmentarianism.
-will.
You bring me such warm, moist, blood-soaked happiness, Alloni.
-will.
Roll over. Play dead. Seek spritual guidance.
-Terence P. Higgins
Your honor, I plead Sleep Deprivation (with a side o' insanity)
-Michael Hale
Another excellent way to prove or disprove if God exists. Surely God,
if He exists, would protect the most annoying of His followers from
gunfire.
-Chris Wayne
It's good to work for a slacker.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
yeah, spleens and gall bladders get me all hot, too.
-Chris Wayne
I have an ice cream koan - purple monkey dishwasher.
-Michael Hale
Put down the knife.
This is the stupidest knife I ever saw.
-Alloni 'n Garth
Can requests be put in for naked happy song singing?
-Tweed
in which case I'll hit you in the head with a petrified monkey's hip
and demand fifty push-ups.
-will. (he said monkey)
Alloni! Alloni! He's our man!
If he can't do it, somebody else probably will!
Somebody else! Somebody else! He's our man!
If he can't do it, blame Alloni for not doing it in the first place!
-Chris Wayne
I'm intrigued, possibly frightened.
-Chris Wayne
I really just wanted a spanking...
-Michael Hale
A pounded cervix is a happy cervix.
Now where did I put that ball peen hammer?
-Jennifer 'n Garth
Didja check your palms? For the hair (that is). Sometimes the hair
migrates.
-Gark Sommer
NT systems over time gain some sort of primitive cunning combined with
a manic delusional state.
-DerekFelix
Satan-tastic!
-Alloni Kramer
You suck
But now I suck at incredible speed.
-Jennifer 'n Garth
I want a singing fish plaque. Who do I have to kill?
-will.
Ooooooo, I could put all of my censors and Buddha statues and whatnot
around it and make a big ol' huge fish plaque Zen shrine!! I have a
mission.
-will.
Dear Jesus,
Please send me a female who will hit on me in person, instead of a
homosexual male Internet junkie. I'll stop having sinful thoughts
about 14 year-old teenage girls in return. Thanks.
-will.
Dear Jesus,
..and could you please direct three lonely gay engineers to the
attention of Trevor Walton? Thanks again..
-will.
Yes, i was abducted by aliens. They brought me here. Now I just want
to go home.
-Marhod (no escape from us)
Crystal Font? I had some of that back in the 60's, I'm still a bit
trippy...
-Jason
Only one recent non-porn SPAM over here, too. An ad from some local
clinic offering a "going out of business" special on brain
transplants. The rates were good, so I figured "what the hell."
Gotta give them credit for their overall professionalism when it came
time to do the surgery. Was also very impressed with the cleanliness
of their office / bedroom. Best yet, I get to enjoy a KICKASS codeine
prescription until the stitches come out. So far, though, no real
improvement. Guess you get what you pay for...
-"Wes"
It's definitely time to blow the paycheck on coke and hookers.
-will.
<smiley repo's kairi's artistic license...>
-Michael Hale
I gots a keg o legal whoopass and the tap is aimed at Austin Tx.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
DAMN! I always forget about the Alloni clause!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted 'Frop Euphemisms: (various)
How 'bout smoking the monkey's ankle. That'll confuzzle the fuzz.
(Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
Not monkeys. Needs to be a green animanal. Anyone know any green
aminalmanimanals? Inhaling the kiwi's ankle is all right, but can be
improved. (Alloni Kramer)
Chasing the Iguana's tail... Y'know kinda like chasing the tiger, or
whatever it is they said about tigers as a euphemism for smoking
opium. (Trevor Walton)
Licking the ocelots ankle. I like the sound of that. So what if they
aren't green? (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
No green no go. Licking the ocelot's ankle that you just painted green
is acceptable. (Alloni Kramer)
Licking the green ocelot's ankle. Then we don't have to get into how
the ocelot got green. (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
You're right. They could have been minding their own business in the
jungle, doing their thang, when suddenly there was a brief ripple in
the timespace continuum, due to the inexplicable reluctance on John
the Baptist's part to accept his own death. This ripple could have
caused the ocelot to manifest superocelot capabilities, such as the
ability to snarl faster than sound and break windows and other
important things, and it would then start crimefighting. Sooner than
you can say "I want my mommy", it would have assembled a rogue's
gallery of such villainous names as The Insignificant Elephant and
Dark Jungle, including one odd being known only as The Hypochondriac
with the power to spontaneously suffer from any disease named in
conversation. The Hypochondriac would construct an elaborate device
to disrupt the fabric of the universe itself and get rid of that damn
itch which his doctor told him was nothing but which he was _sure_ was
the first symptoms of a rare form of skin cancer. There would be a
struggle, and, in the struggle, the device would be turned on with
random dial settings which caused John the Baptist to be Zen about the
whole thing and everything to return to the way it had been
originally. Um, and then the ocelot could fall into a waterhole and
get green pondscum all over itself. (Alloni Kramer)
Official Abducted Lifey Wifey: ("Wes")
Today I slept through a massive, triphammering hangover, and dreamed
of Waffle House. It was so good that, upon awakening, I felt the
overwhelming compulsion to cross the highway and break my fast there.
The scene was appropriately dreary, a mix of hooded-eyed hoodlums and
broken-down semi-geriatrics, with a couple of raucously chattering
women behind the counter. The coffee was good.
One waitress in particular was quite beautiful. She was black, with a
lithe body, sort of round face, and the almond eyes of an Oriental.
She was also tres happy to be getting off work soon, and spoke in
glowing terms of the bottle of alcohol that her man was holding for
her.
One of her coworkers, a true fossil of a man, admonished her to be a
little more careful on this date, stating that her dates tended to
leave her limping and bruised. She grinned and proudly showed off her
latest bruise, on her wrist, explaining that on her last date her man
had handcuffed her for yelling at him. She seemed almost wistful as
she obviously considered discussing the other steps that he'd taken to
put her in her place. Then she was out the door, off to find her
abusive honey and his bottle.
The geriatric stared after her with the haunted eyes of a man whose
familiar world has long since been buried under the foundations of a
newer, faster, and far, far more alien reality.
I finished my coffee and went home. Overall, I give the experience an
eight. I felt deeply sorry for the old man, but enjoyed this latest
dose of helpless fascination with the world around me.
Official Abducted Eric Idle Voice: (Alloni Kramer)
Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, but it ain't
cheap. We do have a special today on this beautiful black suit, sir,
made from gen-u-ine black sheep wool. Isn't it attractive, sir? I
think you'd look particularly good in it, if you catch my meaning sir,
and I think you do. Aww. Look at that. The suit likes you. It's
taken a liking to you something fierce. Let's see if we can get if
off - no. There to stay. Sorry, but once a wool suit has bonded,
it's irrevocable. The suit is yours. Even if we were to get it off,
it would never have sharp creases for anyone else. Most clothing
stores only take into account how the customer likes the outfit. I
try to stand out of the pack, sir, by ensuring that my clothes are
happy with their owners as well. Of course, it isn't all good.
There's this one pink lacy number that has taken to following people
home, hiding under their beds, and then pouncing once the person is
asleep. It wouldn't be so bad if it restrained itself to women. Had
a marriage break up that way, when the wife wouldn't believe the
husband wasn't a crossdresser on the side. He got into a bad scene
after that, he did. No, I'm just teasing you, sir. Of course
clothing isn't capable of selfmobility. No, that particular suit is
lined with superglue, which I use to make certain that once someone
has tried on one of my outfits, they won't wear anything else. It's
an advertising slogan that I like to take to new heights. Or lows, as
it were. No, I'm just teasing you again, sir, just distracting you.
Just distracting you from the tendrils making their way through your
body in search of the spinal cord. Well, you see, sir, my outfits are
actually alien beings from another dimension. Yes, like the comic,
that's right sir, which explains the basic black look. However, these
alien beings are actively intelligent and malevolent, right sir, and
they plan world domination. That's always the way, isn't it, sir?
World domination or nothing they always want. I'm surprised we
haven't been dominated fifty times already, and that they don't simply
always take domination away from eachother. Maybe we have and they
do. Anyhow, I'm a willing servitor of these beings. Why, sir? Well,
you'd be surprised what can be done with Claudia Schiffer and a strip
of black "leather", you catch my drift, sir? Don't bother fighting
it, sir. By this point, your body is completely under their control.
If you're good, they'll let you use it when they don't need it for
something. Now that'll be $300 for the suit, sir, and another $300
because, hell, you'll pretty much do what I want now, won't you?
That's right.
This has been a distraction. Careful of your chair.
Official Abducted Huntertalk: (Alloni Kramer)
Shootin' things fer sport.
Big green things. They're covered in this tough outer layer, which I
s'pose protects 'em from insects and disease, but which don't do much
to pertect against Bessie here. Still, just shootin' 'em don't work
too good. You need to cut 'em off at the knees, and even then they
take a good time dyin'. Most of 'em have different colors dependin'
on season, but they ain't the usual camoflage colors. Nope, you
got'cher bright greens, yellows, oranges, that kinda thing. Maybe to
attract mates. They're big enough that they don't have much in the
way of natchral predators. Still, they can be tough to find at times,
'specially when there's been a havy snowfall. They're almost immune
to cold, y'see. Like nothin' more than to just get some rest fer the
winter. Winter's a good time to bag 'em. Don't fight back much then.
"We're talking with noted scientist and tree hunter, Shamus McNeely.
How do they defend themselves?"
Well, trees is smart critters. They like to drop on you from above.
Most of 'em have spikes. "Branches", they're called, but once you
seen a friend impaled on one of 'em, huge amounts of blood coming out,
you'll call 'em spikes too.
"Anything else?"
I heard tell that some of 'em are even real smart, people smart. They
have their own wierd gods, and they like... sacrifices. Some say
their gods even... I don't know the truth of it, but my brother,
Halord, he disappeared one night huntin' a Great Oak. We found him
three days later, his body tied to a tree carcass he must've just
taken, big chunks taken out of his middle. And there were these
_splinters_... I cain't talk about it no more. Sometimes I wake up
screamin'.
Thank you, Mr. McNeely.
Official Abducted Will: (Alloni Kramer)
I, Alloni None-Of-Your-Damn-Business Kramer, being of, um, mind and
body as sound as ever they were, hereby write yet another in a long
string of last wills and testamentses that will hopefully never get
used, as I plan to continue in some form or another for as long as
life stays interesting. We'll see what happens afterwards. Anyhow.
I may make it a regular feature of mine. Dave Barry has "Ask Mr.
Language Person". (Yes, I read Dave Barry. For the articles.) Some
other people have a regular Q&A section, or an Ask Mr. Science
section, or some other thinly veiled "I can't think of something to
write, so I'll go with something I've done before and milk it for more
ideas" section. Last will and testament sounds like a good one for
me. It's morbid. I can mock my friends and pretend I'm doing so from
Beyond the Grave, then wonder why they're getting offended. I can
deal with current events, by leaving <insert current Big Mean Badguy
here> <insert something not terribly pleasant here>. I can even
indulge in wishfulfillment fantasy, by exclaiming about the miracles
of the Great Hereafter. It's even pgrated, except for the fact that
we're contemplating death. I say, the earlier children start learning
about death, the better. Ideally, one child in every class should be
slaughtered as an object lesson to the others. Make it the dumbest
one, and you simultaneously teach the kids about death, _and_ raise
the average iq of the populace. Everyone wins! Add in some ritual
mutilation, and you've got the evil cultist vote backing you, give the
body to NA for the necrophiliac vote, and you're swept into power.
Or, if you want to go tamely, make it lethal injection, and, just as
long as they twitch entertainingly, the other kids can watch. Still.
Death aside. On to death.
To Nathan I leave the promise that I shall someday return and seek
vengeance. You will suffer for eternity, and your screams will be
sweet music to my ears. I seem to be big on torment today. I think
it's the weather. And the fact that I just missed a phone call here,
when the only people who know my work phone number are relatively
important people. Need to figure out how to work the voicemail
system. And I'm sneezing incessantly. Complain complain complain.
To Jennifer I leave a handcarved, vibrating statue of a nun made out
of lunchboxes, brandishing INWO cards in one hand and Settlers of
Cataan in the other, with the Book of the Subgenius chained to her
waist, a necklace of cds around her neck, and a halo that glows and
rotates, easing eyestrain and bringing in better reception. This, the
ultimate pinnacle of Jen's interests, is certain to lock her into a
semi-comatose state in which she can do nothing but contemplate the
statue. It'll be big fun. It'll be Happy Fun Nirvana. And I'm
talking attaining oneness with the universe Nirvana, not some cheap
grunge suicidal knockoff.
To Jason I leave my body, to do with as he pleases, in memory of that
magical night.
To Terri I leave my body, to do with as she pleases, in memory of that
magical night.
To Elizabeth I leave my body, to do with as she pleases, in memory of
that magical night.
Now fight over it. I recommend a mudwrestling match between Terri and
Elizabeth, which slowly grows into something more intimate, and the
two of them go off together, while Jason gets left with my dessicated
corpse. If things turn out that way, I would like a copy of the video
stored in the coffin with my body.
To Garth I leave my own personal scales, and that damn pony you keep
bugging me about.
To Chris I leave my copy of the Amish Paradise single by Wierd Al.
To jm I leave the hope that this tragic loss will cause him to write
us more often.
To will I leave a headless Pez dispenser. Collect all 7!
To the rest of you, I leave a vague sense of disappointment.
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