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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Will somebody please turn off that sun. It's giving me an awful lot of
monitor glare.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I decided to get high before I came to work today. I'm sure that
explains the confusion.
-will.
And no, I do not ride a boat to work. Jeez.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The sky trembles when I walk. That or the sound I keep hearing is from
the storm outside.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No way! I bombed your inbox with like.. six emails. That's much higher
traffic than the past couple of hours. Did your heart not flutter when
you saw that little 6 next to "Inbox"? Were you not excited? You
should thank me! You should be my slave! You should feed me grapes and
rub my toes!
-will.
I have rats
Another day, another medical problem.
-Jenn 'n Garth
The first time I got stoned at work my boss gave me an award for good
work.
-Garth
We are not who we are.
-Johnston Reesor
Huh. I send long lunatic rants with no results. Not even a whimper.
A complete stranger sends a short statement and gets drugs commentary.
I've definitely lost it. I retreat to shamed silence.
-Alloni Kramer
super-special announcement: I'm wearing a skirt and a yellow flowery
shirt.
Damn, How is it that we wear the same thing at the same time?!?!
-Jennifer 'n Jason
Go back to sleep. You'll wake the others.
-will.
There are no captains. We're a symbiotic autonomy of collaborative
entities living harmoniously in our facilitated digital
proto-democracy.
-will.
I just want "Wes" to hold me and tell me it'll be okay.
Oh. And here I thought you just wanted this attractivefemme. My
mistake. "Wes"! Hold him and tell him it'll be okay! Stat!
-will. 'n Alloni
Does the smitress have a following of smittens?
-Johnston Reesor
It's up in the air. Just like my pancreas.
-will.
It's possible. When I waited tables at the Magic Time Machine, there
was this one waitress who worked in costume as Catwoman. The way that
action hugged her body, there were many nights when she sauntered by
and I suavely spilled a drink on a customer's head or wandered into a
wall or bit my lower lip off and swallowed it. I recommend stuffing
your pants. A LOT. Like, until your bulge juts out about 10 feet in
front of you like this monstrous guided missile. Then when you sit
down to work, casually sling it out of your way so that your hands can
reach the keyboard. But "happen" to sling it to the left, so that
it's pointed right at her head (or, if she's only a few seats away,
possibly resting ON her head).
-"Wes"
My eyes hurt.
Is this a subtle hint for me to stop chewing them and give them back?
...okay, okay...
-Alloni 'n "Wes"
I know that if it were *me* visiting some other planet where most of
the folks are still playing with fossil fuels, I'd certainly have a
six-pack (or equivalent) handy.
-"Wes"
Aye. Same here. There's a newspaper clipping that my roommate gave me
about a guy who ran his 74 year-old mother over with a parade float
(accidentally, of course) pinned to the wall, along with a list of
phone numbers for HP that I never look at.. an inverted cross made of
wire with a piece of paper wedged in it that has a little daemon dude
on it and sez "God Hates Mr. Stiern". Uhm.. Name tag. Has a wire "Hot
Carl" and a wire "poop" crammed into it. Err.. Little piece of paper
with a stick figure who's head is on fire and a dialogue bubble with..
that's right.. "My head is on fire!!!!" in it. Erm.. A panda beanie
baby with the shirt turned inside-out and a 23 reference scrawled on
it. A moose beanie baby with the shirt turned inside-out and a "Z?"
scrawled on it. Hmm.. An Absolut ad.. a paper plate with a big ol'
unhappy face and my name on it. Heh.. Aaaaaaaaaaand.. a small puddle
of Coke that's solidifed and hardened and will probably need to be
chipped off that's been sitting on the edge of my desk for over two
months now. I have character.
-will.
I wonder what my cubicle would communicate to a curious member of the
opposite sex (except perhaps that i'm completely disorganized)?
Let's find out! Excuse me while I yank my dick off, slap on some
titties, and study your offerings... ...OW...
-Trevor 'n "Wes"
I think you need a nap or somethin', dude.
-will.
Pish tosh. Heh... I've always wanted to say that. "Pish tosh." Hee
hee! Wheeeeeeeee!!! But yes, um, pish tosh.
-"Wes"
Provided she has the body of a supermodel, a modicum of technique, and
the willingness to utterly abandon herself to her bedsport, a sorority
girl would CERTAINLY be worth dating, if only once or twice.
-"Wes"
No, no, no, no, NO!!! Other than alcohol, nicotine and caffeine,
recreational drugs are largely illegal. If we do drugs, they will
turn us into Monstrous Things that break into windows and rape little
children. Watch "Reefer Madness." It casts a pretty clear light on
the whole issue. No, 'frop is all natural, loaded in Vitamin C, a
delicious additive to Cheerios and cheese toast, and each use of it
has all the beneficial effects of a good hour at the gym, but without
all the pain and sweat and stuff. Somewhere along the line, some wit
decided that it was just some kinda vague euphemism for marijuana, but
I hold such sacrilegous musings in utmost contempt. Pot is bad for
you... just ask your government. 'Frop is GOOD for you... just ask
"Bob."
-"Wes"
But you can't tell the straights that, or they'll realize that there's
a Tentacled, Slavering Thing hiding amidst the herd. And then they
might not let you fuck them.
-"Wes"
Having sex with does not necessarily imply converstaion.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You cannot be a pinko commie skum - You're American. I on the
otherhand, and Australian, and decendant of the only person who voted
for the comunist party in his electorate. Therefore that makes me a
pinkocommieskum. And monopolies is good! Comrad.
-Funky J
Just wondering aloud - do you think the director of "Revenge of the
nerds" will do a remake of the films in 10 years, adding in bits that
he couldn't of done due to lack of technology? And do you think that
he'll make the movies that lead up to "revenge of the nerds"... ie:
"Jocks", "Go Jocks Go" and "Jocks Rock" - the three movies that tell
you how the nerds became nerds, and how the Jocks got to be in the
position of authority that they are?
-Funky J
I try and be politically correct... I say call peoples both prick and
cunt.
-Funky J
oh, you're always nekkid! it doesn't make it fun if you're ALWAYS
nekkid...
-Funky J
cute's bad. Particularily *THAT* type of cute. Puppy's are that kind
of cute. And you don't want a puppy playing with your pussy now, do
you girls?
And if you do, there plenty of lists you can use to talk about it.
-Funky J 'n Alloni
By definition, nekkid is fun.
Naked = no clothes on.
Nude = naked + art
Nekkid = naked + fun
-Garth
He's not the same without a nun outfit.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I like porn.
-will. (don't we all?)
Mad Wax isn't creepy! He's big.. and manly.. and Polish.
-will.
Some extremely drunk gay man bought me a Budweiser last night. I was
sitting at a table amidst my peers, talking and smoking and whatnot,
and this hand comes down and sets this Bud in front of me and the dude
walks off. Everybody stops talking and stares at the beer. Then at me.
I blink a few times and hand the beer to one of my more intoxicated
friends. I avoid the drunk guy for the rest of the night.
-will.
Look you gay, fag bastard... Even though I can make your homo-erotic
fantasies come true in every way possible, I don't drive on that side
of the road. Sure, there was that time in high school in the locker
room... all those sweaty, young boys... wait, what was I talking
about?
-Jason
Goddamn I'm smooth. Someone blend me with citrus and yogurt.
-will.
Hey, what's this mean?
> Te amo, e voglio per te a stare con me, pero, per adesso, e
> impossible. Forse doppo. Got it?
The closest translation I can get out of it is "That amo over there,
the one with the violin, is staring at me, Pero. But that should be
impossible. The Force ate his eyes. Got it?"
-"Wes"
...So I'm sitting here with my big huge shoe in my hand...
Braggart!
-will. 'n J. Gassaway
As a fellow non-living being, I feel it my duty to inform you of some
of the little problems of un-life. This is one of them. Halitosis
caused by tooth decay. Well, just plain old decay, actually. The
solution to this actually very simple: To stop bad breath, stop
breathing. I mean you don't neeeeed to. If you have to speak, try
doing it while inhaling. Not only does it keep your breath from
offending, it also gives your voice a gravely just-risen tone.
-Garth
1. Avoid embalming fluid. Yeah, it makes your flesh last a little
longer but it makes you drowzy, so you won't be able to use any heavy
machinery.
2. Don't sit up in your coffin at the funeral. It's bad manners.
3. If you've been cremated, just add water and stir.
4. Don't eat the first brain you see. Missing morticians are a dead
give-a-way and will bring the zombie hunters right to your door.
-Garth
This reminds me of the single most romantic poem I've ever heard. (ahem)
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I like peanut butter.
Wanna fuck?
To date, that poem hasn't gotten me laid ONCE... but that just goes to
prove that romance as an art form is dead.
-"Wes"
I'm the guy your mother warned your sister about. I'm the player to
be named later. I put the ram in the rama lama ding dong. I'm a mind
in a vacuum. I'm on the top of the world, looking down on creation.
I'm probably certifiable.
-"Wes"
The History of Goat Masturbation?
-Jason
continue as ultimately planned.
Planned? You think this is planned? HAH!
-jacq 'n Jennifer
I followed a naked Indian across an endless sea...
-Funky J
Summary:
WillDJconsciencehallucinogensexpressionZencrazywackinessfromColorado.
-will.
Big Gay Al's theme song has
Tormented me today.
I am feeling super.
-will.
Mmmmmm.. Simba ass-rammin' Miss Piggy. *gurgle*
-will.
I have always been here, I shall always be. I am the Alpha and the
Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
-Nathan Winant (progenitor)
Do you have a detachable head?
-Khanh Nguyen
It's odd to me that such a taboo exists in the first place. I have a
hard-on? In... in PUBLIC??? I'm clearly and utterly in the mood for
sex AT THIS VERY MOMENT??? Well, yeah. Of course I am. Duh.
-"Wes"
I am not familiar with this rule. But then, I don't have a penis of my
very own. Anyone care to donate?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You hide your daemons well.
Not usually. Everywhere I go, dogs bark at me, old gypsy women shriek
in fear and mutter protective incantations, milk sours, and my shadow
withers plants.
Have you tried using deodorant?
Yep. Old Spice Heavy Duty. Doesn't help. (It did cut down on the
number of screaming, tormented, disembodied souls that float around
me, however.)
Maybe you should switch to Speed Stick. Granted it's not as masculine,
but the scent of cheap deoderant will drive off any being that's in
tune with the netherworld.
-will. 'n Alloni 'n will. 'n Alloni 'n will.
Writing means nothing on the Internet! Everything is subjective! FEAR
IT ALL!!!
-will.
Hmmm. But... while evil may be driven off, that'll probably mean the
chicks'll get driven off too, and I really like my hip, swinging,
another-woman-every-night lifestyle.
HOOOOOHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Ahem. Excuse
me.
-Alloni 'n Jennifer (what's so funny?)
You must learn to embrace the gypsies. A troupe of superstitious
gypsies is a must for an-up-and coming undead go-getter.
-Garth
Speaking of pr0n... Last week, the photographer for one of our clients
brought us a box of slim jims and a porn dvd. For no reason
whatsoever. He just stopped by, dropped them off and went away.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (he knows what you like)
My vibrator is my friend.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm in a pretty bad rutt at the moment... but it will get good... I
just need more drugs...
The sad refrain of the Funky.
-Funky J 'n Alloni
apples (red and green), cumin, carrots, iceberg lettuce
Every time I see that "cumin" reference, I hear Beavis and Butthead in
the background. "...huh huh..."
long u. long u.
Why... (blush, modest shrug) ...thank you very much, ma'am. Just
genetics.
-Jennifer 'n "Wes" 'n Jennifer 'n "Wes"
Sorry... I wanted it to be a valid question; it just turned into a
'bash will' statement on its own. It's so easy, you try!
-Jason
Augh.. I haven't even been around you guys physically and you've
started on the gay jokes. At least wait until you've watched me smoke
a cigarette before you start accusing me of being a homosexual.
-will.
I've "liberated" lawn gnomes before. Those little buggers are heavy...
-Trevor Walton
My brain's on overdrive and it's going to either explode or force me
to evolve. Hopefully it'll do the latter.
-will.
You look like a supergenius. You just failed to act like one. What you
do doesn't affect your looks unless you don something really wrong.
..like a Smurf.
-Jennifer 'n will.
tonight at the theater close to my house, there's a 3d pr0n flick.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (how was it?)
Irony. Funny how the world seems to fuck you in the ass right when you
think you can deal with all of your problems, thus settling into a
calmed, peaceful, happy state of mind. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
-will.
But now I get to fuck the Man, so it's all good.
-will.
Dropping out of the sky, like 'car keys'? Thats some weather you got
there in Canada.
-Garth
Or... well, I suppose you could. But it's not very nice, and you'll
probably go to Hell for it.
..and I'm not going to Hell for losing my virginity at age 13 behind
the altar in church?
-"Wes" 'n will.
The IRS amuses yet frightens me. (Hi, guys.)
-Alloni
No, get your Japanese Raver Chick action figure...
Oddly repulsed...
Oddly attracted...
Oddly repulsed...
Oddly attracted...
Oddly repulsed...
Oddly attracted...
Oddly repulsed...
Oddly attracted...
Oddly repulsed...
Oddly attracted... Oddly repulsed... Oddly attracted...Oddly
repulsed...Oddly attracted.Oddly repulsed.Oddly attracted.Oddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
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repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attractedOddly repulsedOddly attractedOddly
repulsedOddly attract***
[WARNING! Critical error! Emototact circuit meltdown in 5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
...
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
All right. You and me. Tight spandex. Tables. Chairs. The Steel Cage.
IT'S ON!!
-will.
Why does it always hurt so much when my uterus falls out?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Is being part of a society of procrastinators going to be our undoing?
No. Being part of a society of biased, stubborn idiots is going to be
our undoing.
-Tweed 'n will.
Bah! You kin take away ma fonts when you pry my cold, dead fingers
offa em, you pinko commie lib'rul treehugger scum! And don'ts you be
worried about ME, missy! I gots me a russkie bride on th' way from her
oppressive homeland to learn all about america's sweet liba'ties and
to cook for me besides!
-Nathan Winant
That's what my life has been lacking, an artful fling. must
compensate.
-Kevin
Is the Persian Gulf finally going show a little more thigh when
dancing like it promised? Is the censorship law going to be changed
to allow for large regions performing the striptease?
-Alloni Kramer
No, you just *THINK* you're not wearing a hat. Joke's on you...you are
and it's *UGLY*
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I've always wanted to know what it took to get to the center of will's
tootsiepop. Mrowr!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I reserve the right not to have sex with guys who stand me up.
-Alloni Kramer
Alloni's pimp hat has an awesome soundtrack.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ah. I understand. All guys like girl on girl action, all girls like
guy on guy action. Got it.
-Alloni Kramer
I went into obnoxious mode. I'm good at that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Untamed erotic passion? My apologies. I'd not realized that this was
a required ingredient of love. So. Do you love your mother? Man,
that's kinky...
-"Wes"
Rambling, Pointless Question Of The Day:
If all birds can fly backwards, can the Dodo bird fly backwards?
If the Dodo bird can fly (backwards), can it fly (backwards) fast
enough to alter time?
If the Dodo bird can fly fast enough to alter time, can its extinction
be nullified?
If its extinction be nullified by altering time, did the Dodo bird
ever become extinct? Did it ever fly backwards?
-Jason
must... kiiiill........ MUPPETS!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
I'm sure she was impressed by the hugeness of your shoe.
-Chris Wayne
So basically your house was built upon the dessicated remains of
millions of mosquito larvae. You must have had some interesting
poltergeist activity.
-Chris Wayne
Jesus is never the answer.
No, I've got to disagree here. Who's the black private dick that's a
sex machine to all the chicks? Jesus. See?
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
You're just trying to tempt me to come up with more questions that can
be answered by Jesus. Um, ok.
Who ate the last piece of llama? Jesus.
Who walks on water, turns water into wine, and waters the sky with his
pee? Jesus.
Why are there so many assholes in the world and why do I keep dating
them? Jesus.
Who walks the earth pretending to be Nathan? Jesus.
Who's coming to visit this summer? Jesu*POOF*!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm going to get Tom Arnold to join abducted.
-Nathan Winant
For some reason *Pontious Pilate* is one of those sets of words that
sounds sexual, no?
-Tweed
She hungrily stroked his Pontious Pilate until it stood at attention
like a good soldier.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Speaking of fucking, this movie confirms that it truly is an Evil
Deed. Satan couldn't destroy the world by writing bad checks or
drinking American beer. Oh, no. It had to be fucking. Hey, two
thousand years' worth of Christian guilt have gotta be good for
SOMETHING. Still, I can't help wondering if the Good Guys might not
have gotten off Satan's case if he'd just proposed to his would-be
humpy bunny first and saved the slap'n'tickle for the honeymoon, as is
proper.
-"Wes"
Woohoo! I have a new phone in the office! It's black! Just like all
the other phones about! It used to be gray, but they brought in a new
one so it would be like all the other ones! I conform now! ... but
it's black. Maybe I won't have to kill them all. Restful. Peaceful.
Soothing. Black. No. They die.
-Alloni Kramer
I gots some sparkly on today. sparkly is my friend.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
To know how to get up, it is first necessary to know how to get down.
And funky! That would've been an interesting direction to take the
character in. Disco Sphinx. Or 80s Sphinx. Or Walk Like An Egyptian
Sphinx. I can see the action figures now. They're climbing on my
desk. One of them is sawing on my power cord. They're so cute when
they
-Alloni Kramer
Relax. Give the Comanche a couple of years to learn about alimony,
and they'll be begging us to take our women back.
-"Wes"
A herd of Comanche! Run for your women!
My women are unimpressed.
I have no women. Only marmosets.
A horde of Sioux! Run for your marmosets!
-Alloni 'n Jennifer 'n will. 'n Alloni
I... I... I can't worship you anymore, Alloni. I'm quitting your fan
club and I'm taking all the Alloni posters off my wall. I'm returning
my "I want to be just like Alloni" membership card.
-Jason
Sex slaves:
Gillian Anderson for the blow job.
Sandra Bullock for doggie style.
Courteney Cox and Catherine Zeta-Jones for the three-way.
woof.
-Tweed
Death... Alloni... Don't make me choose!
-Jason
marmosets are merely agents of the madrills. It's the mandrills you
should be fearing, I tell you!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I'm feeling charged. I'm feeling charged with energy, charged with
electrons, ions jumping around in my brain. I can feel my neurons
tingling. I can feel my entire psychological construct shifting to a
different perspective, a different cycle, a different way of
functioning. Assert. Agress. Forward. Lunge. Confidence. Things I
seldom have. Everything's ticktickticking, the astrological second
hand swinging upward. I'm not skittish. I'm not nervous. My hands
aren't shaking. Everything is certain. Everything is ~there~.
Everything ~is~. I feel like a normal person. I feel like I've always
wanted to feel. I feel like I've been trying to feel for the past ten
years. I feel like me. The me I know I am, not the me that I always
am. See true me.
-will.
Official Abducted Count/Pointercount:
The Problem: (will.)
There's an ~extremely~ attractive and newly-hired woman sitting in a
cubicle about 20 feet from me.
We keep doing the whole lame-o furtive glance exchange whenever work
doesn't encompass the attention span, but I'm thinking that she's way
too good-looking to be single. That's just how things go.
She appears to be in her 20s. 23, 25 ~maybe~.
She's the CEO's daughter.
Temptation abounds. Dare I quest?
Count: ("Wes")
Dare you not?
What are you, mad??? TAKE that woman!!! Woo her with your seductive
charms! Make a date for after work! Find out if she 'frops! Show her
a grand time, with no regard for your savings *or* your CEO! Get that
fanny of hers into your bed and then ride her harder than Paul Revere!
Feel the heat radiating off her hard, naked body as her ass locks
tight against your pelvis, her hot dripping sex SQUEEEEEEZING you
inside her until the heavens themselves open before your inner eye and
you cry out "OM!!!!!"
Then hey, live with the consequences! So maybe yon CEO will fire you.
What, you think you can't survive without your present job? That
woman is a higher priority. And hell, MAYBE he'll promote you and be
calling you "son" someday! It could happen!
Whatever the case, the worst possible fate that you could suffer would
be from not trying. Then you get to spend the whole remainder of your
life wondering what her snatch might have tasted like, fantasizing
about the color and feel and flavor of her nipples, only dreaming
about the feel of her sweet hips gripped firmly in your hands.
Well, no, I suppose it could be even worse... There's also the chance
that some OTHER guy at your office might take the initiative if you
don't, and then you might wind up having to hear him brag about how
she likes it up the ass (when she's not dressing in black leather,
handcuffing him to the bed, and making him her obedient little sex
toy). And then it might be too late for you to find out for yourself,
coz she might be madly in love with him and the CEO might be calling
HIM "son."
So yeah. Dare, old bean. Dare for all you're worth.
Pointercount: ("Wes")
I disagree. I also find such vulgarity on the "Reverend's" part to be
sacrilegous at worst, and adolescent at best.
I would suggest that you certainly do try to get to know her better.
I mean, who knows? Perhaps you'll find you were made for each other!
Violin music, white wedding, happily ever after with three kids and
the whirlpool bath that your father-in-law bought you last year to add
the finishing touch to your Olympic-sized pool.
Or you might find that you aren't compatible, but still discover a
fine new friend, a sister of sorts who enriches your life every day
with her delightful conversation, loans of her spare Porsche when you
tire of the Jag that your kindly Uncle CEO loaned ya, and the
occasional, chaste full body massage.
So yes. I WOULD suggest at least getting to know her better... but I
won't. Because hey, man, you never know. She COULD be a fucking
psycho, and just getting her attention will be enough to send her into
a stalking,
calling-at-3-am-and-saying-nothing-but-breathing-heavily-for-exactly-f
ive-seco nds-then-hanging-up, dad-siccing, clawing, spitting,
screaming, foaming, lawsuit-hurling, pepper-spraying,
picking-fights-with-her-other-boyfriends-because-you-love-her-more-tha
n-them,
locking-you-in-her-basement-and-spoon-feeding-you-grapes-for-the-rest-
of-your- miserable-life frenzy.
Or maybe she has a jealous boyfriend who looks like Chewbacca plays
for the Dallas Cowboys. Hey, she's the daughter of the CEO. It could
happen.
Worst of all, maybe she'll just laugh in your face and tell you to
"get lost, pencil dick," and then you'll be stuck with that nickname
among your peers for the rest of your brief career there.
So yeah, avoid her like poison. Better yet, pimpslap her.
Counter-Pointercount: ("Wes")
The above employees have, as demonstrated, been exposed in the act of
sending code for purpose of interception by hostile forces.
Application of the DD214 Secret Decoder Ring (model 2B) will reveal
that these shitheads may have just sent our latest world domination
plans to the Iceland Underground.
YES, "again." Smartasses. What, you think it's easy keeping track of
those two fuckers? You think it's EASY sending patriotic young boys
out to die for whatever cause it was that we were fighting for that
other day? HUH???
Oh. As to the cover topic. //will.///, I'd forget her and
concentrate on that other fine one. The redhead, about three rows
back, in the Motley Crue t-shirt and no bra? Yeah. Her. Our sources
inform us that she's ovulating, and she wants you. NOW.
Now, back to codes. I habb one ride dow. Da worss gind. Zgradgy,
aggingly zore droat. Gonzdand znivvlez, zdinging zinuzez, vever, etc.
Nazdy.
So yeah. Nine out of ten doctors recommend Folger's Instant Crystals
for their patients who collect crystallized instants.
Official Abducted And The Winner Is: (will.)
Actually, I figured I'd approach this in my usual war strategy-ish
way.
1) Reconnaisance. Verify a lack of boyfriend/male companion pictures
on her desk. Establish visual contact with left hand to assure that a
marriage has not been established.
2) Scout. Walk by her desk every so often to see what she's doing.
Look at her shoes. Watch her monitor and her cubicle decorations for
possible clues as to psychological triggers.
3) Talk. Mumble a few greetings here and there whenever she comes
within close enough proximity. Attempt to get her attention in ways
that are too subtle for her to notice.
4) Lampoon. Make an ass out of myself to draw attention. Talk louder
than usual. Act like an idiotic 8 year-old in the extremely unlikely
event that she finds it amusing.
5) Sigh. Breathe heavily in great despair as certainty of failure
begins to sweep the call centre. I have failed, the mission has been
failed, everyone's been failed.
6) Mope. Beat myself up countless times over countless random periods
of time for not taking the initiative and seeing if I could construct
something out of the nothingness. Be angry at nothing.
7) Memory Proto-Alteration. Psychologically re-establish the woman as
an unavailable person who wouldn't ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
be seen with me whom I can vaguely lust after on the odd occasion that
I should look up from my monitor and see her feet walking by.
8) Drool. Lay on couch. Smoke pot. Play video games.
It's definitely a little sketchy, but it sounds like a plan. Wish me
luck, abducted.
Official Abducted God Complexity: (Alloni Kramer)
I just got paid! Yay!
My first paycheck. I'm so proud of me. I may be punished by god for
how proud of me I am. A bolt of lightning from above. Spontaneous
human combustion. My pants may mysteriously drop in public. God
likes pulling down people's pants. He thinks it's funny. God has a
fairly childish sense of humor sometimes. He also likes tying
shoelaces together. Luckily, I'm not wearing shoes at the moment.
Unluckily, being god, and therefore omniscient and omnipotent, he may
just wait until I put my shoes on, and _then_ tie my shoelaces
together. He is mighty indeed.
Yes, radio fans, it's time once more for that hit game show, Question
Your Faith! With our host, your pal and mine, Friedrich Neitzche!
(We tried to get Hegel, but he had a sitcom to do.) Without further
ado, heeeeeeeeere's Freddie!
Good evening, folks. Before we go on, I have the sad duty to inform
you that... well, there's just no easy way to say this. God is dead.
God died early this morning in a small hospital just outside
Cambridge, Massachusetts, at the ripe old age of 5760. A full
investigation is underway, but the story as we know it is that
following the discovery of a malignant tumor in his brain early last
year, God sank into a deep depression. When conventional methodology
proved ineffective in treatment, He started going from doctor to
doctor, searching for a miracle cure. When one of them made a badly
timed joke about "not being God", He flew into a rage and destroyed
the town of Shermont, Illinois. He then started abusing large
quantities of drugs, becoming more and more depressed all the time,
and eventually got checked into a rehab clinic by some of His friends
who were worried that He might be suicidal. He was released recently,
everyone believing Him to be rehabilitated, then promptly disappeared,
only to turn up just yesterday unconscious in front of the hospital
with ritual scars over His body and with a great deal of blood loss.
Police speculate that He may have attempted to turn to ritual magics
to cure His tumor, and "just fell in with the wrong crowd". God died
at 1:32am without having regained consciousness. He is survived by a
widow and two children, Jesus, age 2000, and Michelle, age 6. There
will be a brief ceremony for friends and relatives at Bethesda State
Cemetary in Bethesda, Maryland, next Sunday at noon.
So let's just play this round of our show... for God.
Anyway, on with the show! Let's introduce our contestants. First up,
our returning champion! He's been a standup philosopher, an insane
psychiatrist, and a small, green Master of the Schwartz, let's say
hello to... Mel Brooks!
"Heya, folks!"
Mel, it's good to have you back on the show. Last time your analogy
between parts of the body and the stages of rationality - sheer
genius! "Thanks, Fred." You won well over $10,000 that time, didn't
you? "Yes Fred, $12,460, to be exact." Well, that's just great.
Next up, a guy we picked up off the street just before the show and
know nothing about! Say hello to... (what's your name again?
*whisper whisper* Oh, yeah.) Charles Peterson! "Um, that's Chase
Peterson." NO ONE CORRECTS ME! OFF! OFF THE PROGRAM! GET OUT! I'LL
KILL YOUR FAMILY FOR THIS INSULT!
Ahem. Well. Our third, um, second contestant is a plumber's
assistant from Montel, Indiana, who writes second-rate poetry on the
side. He tries to be gothic, he's Drake Saunders! "I am that merry
wanderer... of the night." Yeah. Whatever.
Our last contestant... (where can we get a replacement on short
notice? let's grab the writer. he's expendable.) is a computer
programmer from San Jose, California, currently living in Austin
Texas. Let's give a big hand for... Alloni Kramer! "Huh?" Hi,
Alloni, it's great to have you on the show. "What am I doing here?"
That's what we're going to find out. That's exactly the kinds of
questions we ask, on... QUESTION! YOUR! FAITH! "But I was just
writing..." No one turns down an appearance on Question Your Faith.
No one. "Oh... kay." Very good. Your cat will live. "I don't have
a... um, never mind." And he learns quickly, too! He should do well
on our show!
For our first round, all correctly answered questions will be worth
$100. Our first question is an oldie but goody. What is the sound...
of one hand clapping? *bzzt* "Whoosh?" Absolutely correct! That's
$100 to Mel. "Hey! Zen philosophers have been wrestling with that
problem for ages!" And we answered it in the first few minutes of
this show. Are we good, or what? "But-"
On to the next question. If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is
around to hear it, does it make a sound? *bzzt* "Um... yes?" We're
sorry, the correct answer is no. If a tree falls in the forest, and
no one is around to hear it, it doesn't make any sound. Bad luck
there Alloni, and time for our second round, where the questions are
harder, and worth $200 apiece. Are you ready? *bzzt* No, no, that
wasn't the question.
Our question is: What is the nature of time? Anybody? Anybody? The
nature of time? The nature of time is an infinite series of
universes, each very slightly different from the next, and what to us
seems to be travelling through time is simply moving from one universe
to the next. Thus, time travel is achievable, but wouldn't actually
allow us to change anything, simply travel to different universes.
Sorry none of you got that one.
For our last question of this round, for $200, what is the nature of
God. *bzzt* "God is dead." Incorrect. God is an infinite cosmic
force, omnipotent and omniscient, and, as such, cannot die. On to our
final round!
For our last question, worth $12,360, we'll allow each of our
contestants to write their answers individually. Our final question:
what is life? <Jeopardy music plays. Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum,
dum dum dum dum Dum! etc.> Bing! Times up, folks. Let's see how
they answered.
Mel? "Life is one long, involved joke." That is correct, but it
wasn't the answer we were looking for. Sorry, nice having you on the
show.
Drake? "Life is nothing more than misery and pain. Oh! The angst!
Oh! The inhumanity! I suffer so in the darkness of my soul!" Have
him killed, Dean.
Alloni? "Life doesn't exist." What? But what about *click*
Alloni
PS: This has been a message headcrafted "just for you" by
KramerIndustrials, Inc. What this means, I dunno.
(Headcrafted? It's not true. It can't be true. His "humor" all
comes out of drug-induced frenzies of sleeplessness and spite.
Or possibly eskimos. Maybe eskimos hunt whales outside the place he's
living, and he watches the patterns of their movements for
inspiration.
Or just possibly, there is nothing to see here. Please disperse.
There is nothing to see here. Please disperse.)
And in response, thus spake Nathan Winant:
Friends, freaks, abductees, lend me your eyes;
I come to bury God, not to praise him.
The evil that deities do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with God. The noble Alloni
Hath told you God was negligent:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath God answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Alloni and the rest--
For Alloni is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men--
Come I to speak in God's funeral.
He was my cheerleader, sassy and dismissive to me:
But Alloni says he was negligent;
And Alloni is an honourable man.
He hath brought tingly throbbing genitalia to you
Through whose frantic rub your souls you might forfeit:
Did this in God seem negligent?
When God hath smote, the poor have cried:
Negligence should be made of slacker stuff:
Yet Alloni says he was negligent;
And Alloni is an honourable man.
You all did see on that television
We thrice presented him with celebrities we could not stand
Which he did thrice off mysteriously: was this negligence?
Yet Alloni says he was negligent;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Alloni spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did have a complex love/hate relationship with him once, not
without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.
Even moreso than before. Bear with me;
My heart is in the pair of pants in the coffin there with God,
And I must pause till it come back to me.
Official Abducted Tool Of The Devil: (Nathan Winant)
Of course. Of course open source isn't flawless. No real content
control. No fixed delivery dates. No user feedback mechanisms. No
market research. No quality assurance procedures. Some of these points
have even been brought up on slashdot, a bastion of open source
advocacy if ever there was one. Which is why you ought to think twice
about microsoft.
It seems like the "cool" thing to do lately has been to "take shots"
at Microsoft. And while we appreciate a little good-natured joking now
and again, you can rest assured that we work tirelessly to ensure that
every one of our products is exactly what you want and need to make
your life -- and all our lives -- better. Towards that end we
rigorously test everything we release to make sure that it's powerful,
intuitive, stable, and secure. Sure, there are mistakes now and again,
but that's because we push ourselves to live up to our fullest
potential -- and to pass the knowledge we gain on to you, the
customer.
Twenty-five years ago, my friends and I started with nothing but an
idea -- that we could harness the power of the PC to improve peoples'
lives. Since then it's become a tool that has transformed our economy
and had a profound effect on how we live and how our children learn.
Now our goal at Microsoft is to create the next generation of
software; to keep innovating, improving what we can do for you. The
best... is yet to come.
Official Abducted Or, More To The Point: (Nathan Winant)
I dunno. Part of me kinda hopes that we'll get more of these ads, and
our kids can grow up with Kindly Old Impotent Uncle Bill during their
saturday morning cartoons.
Son: "Daddy! The funny man in the sweater is on again! Come watch!
Come watch!"
Bill: "Hello, children. Did you enjoy those ads? I sure did -- but
I've always loved innovative entertainment products. Well, children,
up next we have the Snooglewart hour. And, why, who's that coming to
visit us through the miracle of digital sensory immersion? That's
right! It's Zooty Snooglewart!"
Zooty: "Gyuk! Hiya Uncle Bill! Gyorty gyort gyort!"
Father & Son: "Heeheehee!"
Bill: "Hello, Zooty, are you ready for the show?"
Zooty: "I sure am... but first I'm gonna give you a virtual
snooglewart wedgy!"
Bill: "GYUK!"
Zooty: "Gyorty gyort gyort!"
Father & Son: "Heeheehee!"
Bill: "*ack* ahem. Did you think that was funny, children? Yes, yes of
course you did. You know, thirty-five years ago, my friends and I
started with nothing but an idea..."
Son: "Daddy, how come Bitter Uncle Bill is so funny, but he always
looks sad all the time?"
Bill: "... But ideas are a lot like dreams..."
Father: "Because, son, he used to be a man once."
Bill: "... And dreams DIE."
Father: "Yes, son. He used to be a man."
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