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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Funny. I pictured Dennis Franz in crotchless panties. ugh.
-Chris Wayne (don't we all?)
I need a massage. Or booze. As I'm not likely to get a massage in the
near future, I guess I'll make a trip down to the liquor store.....
-Nathan Winant
Here at Abducted MeatFarms, we take our time handcrafting emails just
like your grandmother would. We lovingly pick only the ripest topics,
juiciest threads, and most socio-emotionally debilitating memes. Then
we lovingly slice them apart, fry them to a crispy golden-brown, and
defile the Blessed Mary -- as mother, virgin, _and_ whore. Sure, it
takes a little bit longer, and the Pope has called for our heads more
than once, but we think it's worth it to make every batch just as good
as it can be. So sit back, relax, and enjoy Abducted MeatFarms email
-- we think you'll be able to taste the homemade goodness in every
bite. And don't forget to try our delicious new flavors -- sour cream
'n' onion, tx^3 memetic BBQ, and aborted alien godhead foetus.
-Nathan Winant
Actually, I must take you to task on this. The politically correct
term is "dirty jap food".
-Nathan Winant
The greased Jesus catching contest begins at noon! Sharp!
-Gary Sommer
Damn alien skull probes.
In my experience it's not the _skull_ probes that hurt....
-will. 'n Paul
And then there was this pygmy trying to sell me shiny bits of rock for
$3.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Abducted!: It's like Ask Jeeves only better.
-Mark T. Doner
i hate porn sites that think that group means more than one.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yeah, I'll never forget the time I needed a hooker and Pimp Daddy
Nathan had her on my doorstep in less than an hour! Thanks Abducted!
-Paul Dito
I'll go _camping_ with Uncle Verio if he will get me something like
that...
-Jason
Everybody else is toodling around on schwinns, while I've managed to
find myself a unicycle without a seat.
-Nathan Winant (stirring image)
I'm sure we can find a nice dildo to attach to the pole where the seat
is supposed to go. Wouldn't that be nice? Just like the aliens but
bumpier.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
If you love coffee, give it up.
If you come back to it, you're its bitch.
If you don't, it was never even your ho.
This inspiring thought brought to you by someone.
-Nathan Winant
California misses you Nathan.
-Paul Dito
long is the road to ruin, and it is paved with candy bars and candy
stripers and candied strippers. wide is the road to ruin and it is
slicked with molasses and honey and crushed up peanut butter cups.
Deep is the road to ruin and filled with aardvarks and peanuckle and
sloathes and various beasties. pumpernickle is the road to ruin and
lined with the intestines of God. Chartreuse is the road to ruin and
pickled with ham buttons and just a touch of rosemary. smelly is the
road to ruin as it is paved and filled and lined and stoked with the
aforementioned ickiness. lonely is the road to ruin and the smell has
driven away the strangers. ruined is the road to ruin and the potholes
are wreaking havoc on my front-end alignment. Would somebody please
fix this goddamned road so I can get back to ruining myself?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I need a chiropractor. Or at least a masseuse. A busty masseuse.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I will destroy you first.
-Alloni Kramer
I hate my mindless, monotonous, aggrivating, pointless, corporate
cocksuckin', soul-eating piece of bullshit dog crap job.
-will.
I will neither confirm nor deny my present requirement of destruction,
upon the grounds that said testimony might serve to (further)
incriminate me. However, I *will* point out that I've attached a bomb
to the beer I'd brought. Destroy me, and I'm taking it out with me.
-"Wes"
God hates me.
-will.
My thought processes are a little too linear for my own good.
-will.
Always quote Winston Churchill at interviews, show a little leg, and
don't be afraid to dress in a catholic schoolgirl outfit. (Something
_nice_ please, like a plaid skirt and blouse -- none of those tacky
jumpers.)
-Nathan Winant
Not that it matters. It's hard for a woman to go wrong with a
chainmail bikini. I think men would be far, far easier to control if
they came into serious fashion.
-"Wes"
Jordan. From Real Genius. I think I love her.
-Alloni Kramer
Beanie Babies don't shoot lightning out of their eyes when you utter
the command word.
-will. (you need the _right_ beanie babies)
Alas.. You must quest for a chick that doesn't sand her floors with an
industrial-sized stripper. Varnish stripper, not hooker/sexy/titties
stripper.
-will. (would be kinda neat, though)
Dude, Lighty is ~so~ sold out. He only has 40 lightning charges before
he's worthless anyway.. Beanie Cthulus have unlimited charges, and
their power comes directly from the realm of the Qlippoth! C'mon!
That's so rad!
-will.
Thanks, by the way, to all of you. I appreciate the assistance.
Handjobs for all!!!
-will.
You ain't gonna send the goons after me, are ya? I TOLD you, the
check is in the mail, already.
-Wes
I was in a cute little powder blue Subaru station wagon with balding
tires. Each time the wind blew as I crossed the Mississippi River
bridge, I'd change lanes without meaning to.
-Wes
I hear ya. Something about hyperactive smart girls with cleopatra cuts
and bib-alls that gets me all grraaawuurr inside.
-Eric Gustafson
mmmmmmmmmmmmm... brain juice...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I read this as "Yeah, but I don't get to poke them and make people
lick." That's more like what I would have expected from you...
-Paul Dito
My resume was lacking things that employers wanted to see, so I put it
there for them. Thanks "Just lie on your resume."!
-Jason
Don't make me drive over there to kill you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, I do have the same birthday as Satan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yay! A cult! Can I join? Hail! Hail!
-Paul Dito
chink, gook, whatever. they're all squinty-eyed bastards.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
There's got to be a dirty joke in there somewhere. I task you
abducted, run with it, I say! RUN!
-Khanh Nguyen
I pull random hairs out of my eyebrows and they turn out to be an inch
long. Makes me feel like a mad scientist in a bad way.
Since when is there a bad way to feel like a mad scientist?
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
I have mad-scientist eyebrow phobia.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Thanks whitey large breasted woman!
-Paul Dito
I have a Powerpuff doll. "Bubbles".
-Funky J
On the other hand, on this list, it takes something impressive to be
TOO scary. Considering cwayne's collection of heads in his freezer,
for example. Or Nathan's massive crack habit. Or my habit of
occasionally stalking, slaughtering, and serving as hamburger random
list members.
-Alloni Kramer
OK. I'll trust ya. If I'm dead tomorrow, you all know who did it.
Yeah, that's what Bean said, and yet Alloni still walks free.
-Jennifer 'n Khanh
You had gender with my sister?
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
That's understandable. There are some serious problem with Erectus
Male 4.0. I don't know how it ever got through beta testing. The
interface is unresponsive, the error messages come up at all the wrong
times and they're way too loud, plus, most units have this weird body
hair and smells. And the whole beer requirement gets expensive. They
never pick up after themselves and frankly, most of them suck in bed.
I mean, what the hell else are they for? The extra height is handy
sometimes, but I can buy a ladder pretty cheaply. They're really only
useful for two things: sex and getting us pregnant. I've even heard
that some of the current model is sterile. Who bogus idea was that?
And some are *gasp* IMPOTENT! So some of them potentially have neither
of the two benefits. I just don't understand how they got out of beta.
Hurrah for those women dedicated to solving the problem of Erectus
Male model 4.0. We can only hope that 4.1 fixes some of these bugs
without creating even more problems. Erectus Male 4.0: slightly more
stable than windows with a bad smell.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (i feel complimented)
I, like the truth, am still out there. And, as you well know, Garth
has always been rather out there.
-Chris Wayne
A cow-orker just finished chemotherapy, and his hair is starting to
grow back. Yesterday I saw him scratch his chest, and he pulled out a
hair that was at least three inches long. THAT is mad science.
-Chris Wayne
There's a really easy solution to that problem. Kill everyone you
work with.
That's your solution to everything.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
They are a front for a secret government agency whose diabolical
mission is to rent apartments to big-breasted women. The fiends!
-Chris Wayne
I swear. I did not eat Garth. *burp*
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And P.S. If the posting of my addy here results in the arrival of
assassins, feces, IRS agents, DEA agents, SAS agents, cauliflour,
hoodies, raw earth, male strippers, or cold pizza on my doorstep, I
will POUT AT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. Not a pretty sight, my pouts.
I practice in front of mirrors. Until they crack. Usually takes
about five seconds. Something to do with inbreeding, a few
generations back. (le shrug)
-"Wes"
sealant is our friend. Did you ask your dentist about sealant?
Yah. She blew it off... sed it was mostly used on teenagers and
stuff. Fed me some other eyewash. I considered getting huffy, but
then she bared one of her breasts and, as she no doubt planned, I
completely lost track of the thread.
-Jennifer 'n "Wes"
recent threads...
"I just want"
"... to sleep"
"... with Jennifer"
The abducted collective unconscious chooses odd ways of expressing
itself.....
-Nathan Winant
everybody do the spanky booty dance!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No. I'm an eight-foot purple-skinned alien named Doug.
-will.
But then, this hardly proves anything. I want to sleep with
*everyone*. I want to sleep with inanimate objects. Remember that
horse cop we discussed? I wanted the cop, the horse, and that drunk
that we watched them trample for jaywalking. One day I'm gonna figure
out how to stiffen air up a little bit, just enough to gimme some
friction when I slip into it, so's I can nail the atmosphere itself.
One day I'm gonna solve the mysteries of what lies beyond the veil of
death, so I can track down the ghosts and devirginize the lot of them.
And those distant stars, up in the sky? They think they're sooooooo
safe from my toweringly turgid tool... Heh. Silly stars.
-"Wes"
Wait wait wait. Is Garth a perl script? Cause if I'm a perl script and
he's a physical embodiment of somethingerother, I couldn't eat him.
And he seems so tasty. And I bought a barbeque grill just for that.
Well, you're not much of a perl script, or you'd know that you're more
than capable of using... peripherals. Ah yeah, baby. Let's mount
/dev/nasty and get to it.....
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
Why doncha come a little closer so I can flash your bios....
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
But I won't "do the deed" unless I get McDonald's beforehand.. Okay,
here we go. You buy me McDonald's. We'll get jiggy wit' it, and if
you're not satisfied I'll regurgitate it all over Famboni, or whoever
it is at work that you don't like who's name starts with F. Either
way, you win. Deal?
-will.
Should you get this, even if you don't Get it, which is fine. I even
don't sometimes, and I'm watching from a better perspective. It all
seemed to make sense at the time. Internal maundering. Crossed nasal
passages. Crossed eyes crossed wits crossed synapses making an all new
and interesting - Look! Three bald cubic zirconia!
-Alloni Kramer
Ougadougo is the capital of Burkina Faso, better known as Upper Volta.
I will win Jeopardy with this information. My geography instructor
told me so.
-Alloni Kramer
Jen, how drunk did you get? "Wes", how was the baseball game <wink>?
Did you round the bases <wink><wink>? And Jennifer.. I'm not implying
that you are a slut, I'm just implying that you're easy.
-Jason
I'll give anything to you, babycakes. I can call you babycakes, right?
You sure can Will... I thought you would never ask.
-will. 'n Babyca.. err Jason.
I think chicken.
-Alloni Kramer (by request)
Excellent. We are now one perfectly balanced smelling unit. I was
gonna put "harmonic", but I figured that'd stir peoples minds a little
too briskly. Purée only, don't liquefy.
-will.
See? It's a symbiotic relationship. We demand quotes from you, thereby
giving to an activity to slack with. This powerful, channeled slack
slowly hones your chakras, attuning you to full control of The Slack,
and thereby the world around you (or at least your relationship to
it). Meanwhile, by providing us with quotes you give us something easy
to slack to, and inspire us to further slackdom with the promise of
having future messages posted. Everybody wins! I'm Nathan Perkins, and
this is Nathan Slackographic's Wild Abducted.
-Nathan Winant (so _that's_ why i do it)
Life is good. I want for nothing. In my current path through life, I
am growing happy, fat, and contented (not necessarily in that order).
This is all a bit shocking to me. Why is it that I can not perceive
the impending doom that must be stealthily creeping up behind me? Why
hasn't anybody smited me yet? Verily, even as we speak the darkness
that is to come is taking shape in some shadowy corner of the world.
Well, I had better enjoy it while it lasts.
-Jonathan Mayer
Can music algorithmically composed to stimulate specific
brain-responses be far behind? Shades of macross! "I don't really
want to buy Happy Product, but I've got this jingle stuck in my head
that's doing funky things to my visual cortex..."
-Jonathan Mayer
SMITE!!! (from behind) There now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Feel
better?
-Marhod
Desperate for some sort of hydration and an end to the constant dry
hack my throat seems to have established, I ingested Brita water. It
didn't taste like B.O., like it has in the past, so I drank more.
It's not that bad. I love it at the end of the summer when the
overgrowth of algae due to the excessive water use and overblown
humidity takes control and leaves the water once it has passed through
the filter with a slightish blue tint and a good-interesting [read
slightly chemically in a good way] minty taste. Perhaps it's the new
filter or the recent addition of baking soda I made to the fridge, but
the water tastes normal <as normal as normal can be in this. place.>.
I'm afraid to drink it too often. Afraid that recognizing my new
enjoyment for homegrown [read filtered] water, it would reinherit the
nasty taste. I figured out the secret to the filter, though. There
are pockets in it. Tiny little pockets filled with explosions of Cl.
When H2O passes through the pockets, a reaction occurs. I'm not sure
of the exact balance equation of this quite possibly single - much
more likely double - displacement but I get the main jest of things.
Anyway, the Cl seeps through infiltrating every vicinity of the
compound which we call <in this crazy place where nothing is quite
what it seems> "water."
-litho
Lesee... There was ghx, who moved to fort worth from key largo or
wherever the hell it was, say, three years ago? There was me, about a
year and a half ago. And there's alloni, who's moving out here now.
... Which means we can expect a new abductee in Texas right around,
ooh, August 2001.
-Nathan Winant
T.A.G.C. Meontological Society. Audio that causes orgasms. I really
need to make copies of that cd to send out. MP3 just wouldn't cut it.
We might lose important frequencies.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (well?)
I live in californy. Most of you live elsewhere. In different time
zones. Time zones at least two some hours away. Howcome you can
respond to me so quickly? For a two hour timezone difference, that's
two hours there, two hours back, for a grand total of what should be a
four hour trip. It must all be a lie.
-Alloni Kramer (i know the truth now)
I'm in Colorado.. only one hour away. I inject my computer with
steroids and force it to take methamphetamines, so the emails go
really really fast and sometimes don't make sense and have attitude
problems and stuff. Coffee cake.
-will.
Yay! My groin is happy now!
-will.
... No, clearly the solution is a violent overthrow. Being the power
behind the thronew is fun and cool and all subterfuge-like, but at
times like this the limitations of the position really show. So,
violent, bloody revolution it is.
-Nathan Winant
And so I am faced with a choice: destroy my soul to save it from utter
base corruption, or allow it to turn all dark and ooky and
redmond-esque. Combined with the need for a bloody coup, only one path
presents itself: I must become VP of marketing.
-Nathan Winant (noooooooooooooooooooooooo......)
I wouldn't mind exchanging an ultimate, perpetual state of Zen for a
happy-feeling penis, to be perfectly honest.
-will.
Then you'll have to call me Miss Jackson.
-Garth
Nobody make fun of me for being inexperienced or I'll make some C-4..
and something you value will explode.
-will.
I like flame wars. Being an asshole is fun. I discovered this on
Saturday night under the influence of MDMA. I did not discover that I
am a happy, caring person. Fuck you all. Except Jennifer. And Khanh.
And mmmmmmaybe Alloni. I'm thirsty.
-will. (unleash your hatred... turn to the dark side...)
Okay.. Uhh.. I have a girlfriend, but not a boyfriend.. though people
joke about me fucking my roommate sometimes. It never happens though.
I swear! Seriously!
-will.
OK. I hereby officially retroactively stop posting. You're welcome.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
why aren't you sending me any email?
'Cos you smell like a dead goat. Take a shower, hippie!
-Jennifer 'n will.
Nobody here but us bipolar Christmas octopuses.. octopii..
octopusses.. Whatever.
-will.
She needs to get fucked in the ass or have something equally
stereotypically demeaning happen to her.
-will.
Hmmm, fancy that. Maybe it's an Asian thing.. Khanh, are you a pimp?
You got my money bitch?
-will. 'n Khanh
Does this mean we're gonna have sex?
-will.
Survey: Is it "High-pier-ee-ull" or "High-per-reel"? Get the answer
right and you'll recieve a good solid spanking and the rest of my
Subway sandwich.
-will. (doin' good fer a newbie)
Hell yeah, dude. That fuckin' carpet genie has terrified me since I
was a young'n. Though I guess I'll be a young'n until I stop saying
"dude". Goddamned SoCal upbringing.
-will.
PIGFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT FUCKING WORTHLESS BITCH WHORE OUTLOOK DID
IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! IT WON'T EVEN LET ME DO THINGS THE *DIFFICULT*
WAY!!!!!!!!! ARGH! FUCK! KILL!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant (mock his pain!)
Who Wants A Million Spanks With The Rest Of Will's Subway Sandwich.
-Jason
I don't want to come across as uncaring, but HA HA HA!
-Jason
FUCK! KILL!!!!!!!
Which will it be, then?
the only question is, "In what order?"
-Nathan 'n "Wes" 'n Jennifer
I have a knack for getting odd fortune cookie fortunes. "No matter
what you wear, your expression is the most noticeable."
-Alloni Kramer
I'm rather fond of "and then you die" as a fortune cookie suffix.. but
"in bed" is.. well.. directly related to sex, and therefore better
than death. Unless you're a mummy.
-will.
You'd probably come to Australia and think we were lazy, beer swilling
slackers who spent too much time in the pub or spending time sitting
in cafes or watching cricket and wonder how we ever got anything done.
-Felix
Goddamn aliens.
piss in their shadow
-will. 'n Felix
Tractor beam operator: $.50-$1
Probist: $5-7
Memory wipebeing (pre-procedure): $1-5
-Nathan Winant (other tipping amounts)
if i learned german and developed an intense hatred for the human
race, berlin or munich would be cool.
i could take paris by force, change the official state language to
english (or esperanto. ha. ha. mwua.
mwuahyahahahahaHAHAHAAHAAHHAAAAAAA!!!!), and move there.
tokyo just scares me.
or i could move to hong kong and forever be with alan moore.
-Nathan Winant
Remember, felix, you're dealing with the country that originated fast
food. You're dealing with the country where someone will stroll into a
mcdonald's and throw a hissy fit because their meal for a family of
four was not delivered within five minutes. And why all this? Why this
psychotic obsession with convenience? Why this twisted compulsion for
immediate gratification? I, for one, blame the Germans.
-Nathan Winant
Based on this, it would appear that the german culture revolves =
largely around parentally-instilled neurosis, draconian parental
control = systems, deep-seated resentment for ones parents, and kloben
bread)
-Nathan Winant (and his german heritage)
So I take it you're not dead.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You wouldn't like it. Roundeyes are burnt at the stake there these
days.
They're just tasty is all.
Oh, I'm sure they have their reasons for doing it. Still, whether or
not I'll make a bunch of tasty hor d'oeurves afterwards, I,
personally, don't particularly feel like being burnt at the stake.
-Alloni 'n Khanh 'n Alloni
Gook food for everyone.
-Khanh Nguyen
and picked up a bottle of chocolate milk, complete with the text "this
product contains a milk like substance".
-Felix
YOU need to entertain ME with the parameter that ME has to exert
little or no effort. ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!
ME! ME!
-Khanh Nguyen (insistant)
I need a beanie propeller hat, though. I mean, a cane would be nice,
but I need a beanie propeller hat. People could tell me mood by my
hat. "Oh. You're wearing all black and have your tophat. You feel
dark and brooding." And then I could paint the beanie hat black and
just confuse everyone.
-Alloni Kramer
I did have a brilliant idea. I need a link on my home page, saying
"Give Alloni money! Click here to learn how!" And the link would
lead to a credit card transaction server, allowing random strangers to
show their pity for me by giving me money. People could use it to pay
my paychecks with. It would be brilliant. I'd be a millionaire in a
week, if only a million people visited the page and gave a dollar
apiece, and I'm sure that would be the minimum donation.
-Alloni Kramer (it's still a good idea)
Damn this suicidal language!
-Khanh Nguyen
Bah, you're better off this way. San Francisco is filled with queers,
deviants, and leather. You'd hate it.
-Nathan Winant (of course jen would)
Don't torment Jennifer like that, Nathan. It's just cruel. And, fun
though it is to be meaninglessly cruel, it's even better to build up
those around you. To support them, help them grow strong as people.
And then destroy them when they least expect it and are most
vulnerable. I thought better of you.
-Alloni Kramer
Ok, I'll do a happy dance... La la he he la ho ho he he da dum dum da
da da hum he la... There! Are you happy, now?
-Jason
All media of the spontaneous happy dances are top secret and will not
be made pubic.
-Jason
Sheesh, guy learns a little dns and he thinks he knows fuckin'
everything...
-Khanh Nguyen
And I can't sleep with you because of that whole Spring Break, tidal
wave, dream thing. I wouldn't want my need for sex to be responsible
for any more deaths. Than necessary.
-Garth
You taunting me person person.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So no trying to make me hallucinate, ok?
Well that's no fun. You're poopy.
-Jennifer 'n will.
Garth moves in mysterious ways. Question not the will of Garth.
-Chris Wayne
You're oogie.
-will.
Yeah, but there's the whole "I'm being strangled" thing. If I was
going to go out whilst having an orgasm I'd just buy a whole bunch of
heroin and get smacky with my bad self.
-will.
I'm too arrogant to let another human kill me. Aliens, on the other
hand, can fuck and strangle me all they want.
-will.
Oh god, I know _exactly_ what you're talking about! When I'm having
sex with someone I LOVE to smother their face with a pillow, or jab my
thumbs into their trachea, or just wrap my hands around their neck and
squeeze until their face turns blue and they start choking up spittle.
My neighbors really appreciate it, too. I think they like the fact
that I'm pretty quiet, although occasionally I might scream out
something "Oh yes, baby!" or "Die, you filthy whore!" or "Who's the
mommy NOW, you bitch! Who's the mommy *NOW*!" I think most of my dates
realize that's a rhetorical question, so they don't really bother to
answer. In fact, most of my dates tend to be pretty quiet. In fact, I
haven't heard anything from my last one for weeks. Well, not since I
soundproofed the closet.
-Nathan Winant
Why would we try and make you think?
-Jason
Aren't the Aussies the authority on this?
not breathing while having an orgasm?
-Khanh 'n Jennifer
Why do you think we're evil?
Because I've talked to you before.
-Jason 'n Jennifer
Does a noble cause give us the right to play God?
Absolutely. Particularly if it's financially lucrative.
-Nathan 'n Chris
Guinness. Fresh blood with Guinness. Tasty.
Not to be sick or anything, but that actually sounds pretty good.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Like it takes SO much to make an English teacher start screaming.
-Chris Wayne
I prefer not to have my ass modified or misplaced.
-Chris Wayne
If all despotic overlords felt guilty about abusing the infinite power
they have seized, nothing would ever get done. Revel in it.
-Chris Wayne
Khanh, were you born here or is you an alien?
Got the probes to prove it.
-Jennifer 'n Khanh (prove which?)
So that we can channel her thoughts into socially acceptable paths, of
course. If she doesn't think, she achieves a state of Zen oneness
with everything, and that we cannot allow.
-Alloni Kramer
Ah, yesterday included an interesting staff trip to the coffee shop.
ALL ABOARD THE CRACK TRAIN!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm giving my coworkers sushi face.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (sounds dirty)
wake up, jennifer... the matrix has you
-Nathan Winant
I should open a pub. Complete with counter meals, feral Djs, and good
bottles of plonk.
-Felix
Unfortunately, no one can be told what the matrix is... ... well,
actually, they can. But then it's not nearly as funny to watch their
expression.
-Nathan Winant
I will plead the default male case that any healthy young viril homo
sapien with a penis craves to sleep with any large-breasted, witty,
cutie female.
I originally read that as "homosexual with a curved penis" which sorta
made the rest of the sentence fairly confusing.
-Khanh 'n Chris
There is a high probability that I'm a mutant. I'm sure that doesn't
surprise you, but I feel that it is my patriotic duty to let you
know...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My long-distance mutant powers carrier has great rates.
-will.
Damn, and I was gonna use that as an ice-breaker to proposition you
for sex too.
What about your wife?
She can proposition you on her own damn time.
-Khanh 'n Jennifer 'n Khanh
My mutant power is to cause wedgies over great distances. Watch out!
haHA! YOU ARE (almost) POWERLESS AGAINST ME!!!!!!!! I don't wear
underwear! Except when hygienically necessary. AND YOU SURE DON'T WANT
TO MAKE ME ANGRY THEN... Then you want to give me chocolate and
painkillers and a nice fuzzy thing to squish. *squish*
-Gark 'n Jennifer
important announcement
baccarat != Burt Bacharach
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Alas. Once a dork, always a dork. I'll never be "kool"! I hate myself!
-will.
Not to say that _Captain America_ wasn't a cinematic masterpiece......
-Nathan Winant (okay, you have to have seen it to find this
amusing. sue.)
NO! Don't you see? This is IT! This is your big chance to found the
Abducted Kool Kidz Klub! We can get special treats on our birthday,
win cool prizes, and dress up in white bedsheets! It's the best!
-Nathan Winant
I didn't realize that chocolate is involved in the conspiracy. This
changes things...
-will.
commie bastard! Oh wait. That's me. Nevermind.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm rather fond of "and then you die" as a fortune cookie suffix.. but
"in bed" is.. well.. directly related to sex, and therefore better
than death.
How about "and then you die... in bed"?
-will. 'n Chris
While I, on the other hand, have become wealthy beyond my most
moderately conservative dreams.
-Chris Wayne
Clearly not. If we are all figments of your imagination, we are all
right there in your head, so response time would be neglible. If, on
the other hand, you are a figment of my/our imagination(s), you would
not perceive any time lapse between one time that I/we think about you
and the next. Or, most likely, the world is actually far smaller than
you believe it is. You really should go outside more often.
-Chris Wayne
Behold... The Spud o' Christ!!!
-Nathan Winant
My mutant power is to be able to smoke dope all the time, and claim
that I'm not addicted.
-Funky J
I plot elaborate revenge. But only for a moment. Not particularly
elaborate revenge. Basically, I just wander up and beat you with an
artichoke.
-Alloni Kramer
And I am your Nemesis, No-Pants Man!!!
You are a faux nemesis. My arch foe is Nekkid Man
How about if I just wore the cape?
-Garth 'n Gark 'n Garth
SUGGER! SUGGER FOUL FIEND! I don't know what suggering is, mind you.
Typed it, decided it looked neat and needed to be used. I may define
it if it becomes needful. The nice thing about using words that no one
else knows is that you can define them _after_ they have been used.
Thus changing the entire course of conversations with the power of
your mind. It's psychic.
-Alloni Kramer
Parts of my anal cavity can sing showtunes from the mid 1950's.
-Jason
Hmmmm.. I was thinking more along the lines of penalty of spoiled
cheesecake. Ever smelled one of those? It's nasty.
-will.
SO I took this "What is your superpower" test yesterday and it said
that I'm psychic. Well, tell me something I don't know already. Oh,
wait...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
DEATH TO DOCTOR CHINKY!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We aim to, um, be aimless.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm a fuckin' mutant.
That's OK. I respect your lifestyle choice. Please don't touch me.
-will. 'n Chris
You hate me? *sniff* That's OK. I don't care what you think. *sniff*
Does anyone have a tissue? I, uh, have something in my eye. *sob*
-Chris Wayne
Eat my ass! Like.. consume. Eat. Digest. Not "eat" like.. well..
y'know.. uh huh huh..
How would you like to be prepared? Felix has some good recipes.
Something with garlic in it. I like garlic.
-will. 'n Chris 'n will.
Hold your head up high, and let your axillary vapors waft, Girl!! Be
an olfactory trend-setter!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
Umm....I wasn't aware that bean scanned her *boobs*.
Was it something else that she scanned? GIF! GIF!
There were jokes about Sarlak pits I believe. =o
No wonder bean's gone.
-Khanh 'n Jennifer 'n Khanh 'n Jennifer
Well, you know how us young, inexperienced upstartish trepanists are.
-will.
I don't believe that you are trepanned. HEY! MY SPELL CHECKER LIKES
TREPPANED!!! Cool!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
<wedgie> </wedgie> Your anus now sings an octave higher due to the
Wedgie Effect
-Gark Sommer
<WOW! 3 quotes by funkyj> kewl, I'm getting funnier... soon I'll be
able to make all of you spill your bongs
-Funky J (keep tryin', man)
uh... i guess i was coalhada@avalon.sul.com.br .then i unsubbed, but
it is impossible. and i was resubbed retroactively so the world un
ended. then god punished me. making me a zombie. but i personally
prefer the term undead as zombie was used all these years in a
destructive way. and what the fuck, i´m in bolivia again.
-Rafael Lemke
the lemke threat has been neutralized. On with plan A!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Make simple ratios of the finer things in life. How do they balance
with the pieces of shit that rain down on you? You might just find
that it has a simple molar ratio. The Law of Conservation of Raw
Emotion.
-litho
-Talked with Mum about smoking pot.
-Talked with stepdad about anal sex.
-Threatened to anally rape stepfather.
-Ate a Twinky instead.
-will. (his day)
Man! There were so many more chicks then! Where'd all the chicks go?
They all found Internet dates and then didn't need the net anymore...
Don't you mean they found Internet husbands, got Internet married, and
are now Internet barefoot and pregnant?
-Jennifer 'n Funky 'n Nathan
Official Abducted Gook Jokes: (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, smells like semen and has a high
protein (and/or sucrose) content?
Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, giggles like a newly spanked
schoolgirl, vibrates like Mr. Excito and smells like teen spirit?
Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, sings like Barbara Streisand and
falls in a mud puddle with the pig that previously fell in the mud
puddle?
Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, feels like bologna and smells
like one too?
Official Abducted Seventh Seal: (Nathan Winant)
I... I guess... I....
It seemed so simple. Take the Gift Of Knowledge. Unwrap it. Clean it
up. And give it to the world. Just as I've done in the past. Many
gifts, many wrappings, many times before. It... It seemed so SIMPLE.
So INNOCENT.
But sometimes, wrapping has Power. The worst kind of Power.
And one thing led to another.
And kicking and screaming,
I was dragged under,
against my will.
I never meant for this to happen.
I have morals.
I have principles.
I have ethics.
Morals, principles, ethics of a curious nature perhaps, but I
nonetheless have them. I adhere to them. And never in my darkest
nightmares did I imagine they could become so corrupted, so perverted.
I never meant for this to happen.
It deprived me of sleep.
It obfuscated the only truths that could save me.
And in this dark, directionless void,
It silently wrapped the tentacles of its unholy logic around my mind,
And drank me in to a vortex.
of Pain.
of Fear.
of Madness.
I never meant for this to happen.
... My name was Nathan Winant. I am an ASP programmer.
Official Abducted Expression: (Nathan Winant)
"Sodomize kangaroos" being an american expression of enthusiastic
approval. ie, "You got paid a hundred bucks for lying on your back for
fifteen minutes? Wow! That really sodomizes kangaroos!" It can also be
used to refer to oneself or others as being being cool, relaxed,
laid-back. ie: "Oh, show up whenever. We sodomize kangaroos."
translates to "Oh, show up whenever. We're pretty laid-back."
It should also be noted that americans love to show off their
little-known but highly-developed sense of irony by responding to this
expression with a look of bewilderment, bemusement, or occasionally,
disgust. When being referred to as someone who "sodomizes kangaroos"
it is also relatively common for an american to respond with insult,
rage, or sometimes even outright physical violence. This is the
american's way of repaying the compliment, as if to say, "I may be
pretty cool, but as this display shows, you are even cooler, my
friend." These responses should be graciously accepted, and perhaps
even repaid with similar, flattering americanisms such as, "I don't
care what anyone says, at twenty bucks a pop there's no way your mom
is overpriced", or the ever-popular, "You know, I used to molest a
blind six-year old boy who lived down the street from me. I can still
remember him crying in the courtroom -- still gives me a chuckle.
Funny thing is, they never could pin it on me...", or simply, "I'll
KILL you! God help me, I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL RIP YOUR HEART RIGHT OUT
OF YOUR FUCKING CHEST!!!!!"
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