|
|
|
Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
|
What!?!? No violent uprisings, No return to earth of Jesus, No ufo's, No Y2K
bug?!?! BORING!!!!!
-Funky J
No more drugs, no more crap raves, no more stupid spending, no more credit card.
(although, when I say no more, I mean a lot less ;-)
-Funky J
No e-mail from the pleasure crafts?
-Garth
REUTERS 1/3/00
AUSTIN, TX - Seven members of a bizarre alien cult were found dead Sunday in a
small studio apartment in the outskirts of Austin, apparently victims of a mass
suicide. The cause of death appears to be carbon monoxide asphyxiation according
to police, who found the bodies when responding to a noise disturbance call made
by a nearby neighbor. "I've never seen anything like this," claimed Chief
Inspector Biggles, lead investigator for the Texas Ranger Alien Eradication
Squad. "When the police arrived, they found the members cirled around a charcoal
barbequer, dressed only in tin foil and wearing hubcaps on their heads." Also
found inside the tiny apartment were seven buttered cats in various states of
consciousness. "It appeared as though they were trying to barbeque these cats as
a sacrifice to their alien overlords. I'm left wondering why they couldn't have
opened a window or something. But we see these types of freaks all the time down
here in Texas, Texas, Texas," said Biggles. You know the rest of the story.
Watch your back.
-Baabaa
I had reported early that my ass was Y2K compliant, this was a gross
understatement. My ass started experiencing problems shortly after midnight.
Data is flowing at an uneven rate, communication is down, and it seems that this
will not change for sometime. I have been working on these (and other) issues
for the last three days. Detailed reports of my progress will be posted at a
later time. (GIF included)
-Jason
I want your ramble now, you bastard. I demand ramble. I will feast on your
gooey insides if I don't start reading ramble.
-Jason
Note: the following message is NOT FOR JASON. If you are Jason, you do not get
to read this. Go home. Go home like the pile of insensitive bodyparts you so
greatly resemble. I will send my attackslugs after you should you read any
further. I will have your revenge. I will have Ernest Borgnine's revenge. We
will all dance around the FisherPrice maypole, symbol of redhot lovin', like the
potato people.
-Alloni Kramer
This is my nature in life. I am The Distraction.
-Alloni Kramer
I am just going to have to marry the next Playboy centerfold I meet. That
should keep the rest of them from hanging around me so much. With their "Oh,
Alloni, could you give me a spongebath?" and "Alloni! Wanna join our nude
mudwrestling game?" and "Oops, I just accidentally dripped warm honey all over
my body. If only you could take care of that for me." it's getting difficult to
get to sleep at night. Gosh darn it, women, can't you keep your hands off me?
-Alloni Kramer (darnit, claudia, not now!)
Damn you. Damn you to Jersey.
-Kevin (harsh)
I'm on the moon patrol.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
the CROOKED TEETH MONSTER HAS TAKEN OVER MY COMPUTER!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Limey bastards!!
-Khanh Nguyen
I thought to myself.. "what's worse then Hell? Heaven! No wait, not that
bad... Jersey!"
-Kevin (splaining)
Just remember. Jesus loves you. In the Biblical sense.
-Alloni Kramer
NO MACADAMIA NUTS IN CUMIN SAUCE!!!! NONE!!!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME??!!!!!!!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ok... How about... "Hey, lemke... I had sex with your cat, killed it, had sex
with it again, grilled it up and ate most of it, then had sex with the parts I
didn't finish eating." Better?
-Jason (must shave the cat first)
That won't scare him. It'll just make him lose his lunch. Or really turn him on.
Which would scare ME.
-Marhod
I'm worried about you, son. Are you getting enough cadmium?
-Dr. E. von Obnox
I've just ordered my phychic bike helmet! Soon you shall all be under my
control! Fear me. Arrr!
-Paul Dito
Hm. Something must be wrong. This doesn't appear to be fear, as expected.
-Paul Dito
Ah! Good point. Once you're under my control I can tell you to fear me, which
kind of defeats the purpose. Maybe I'll just stalk everyone on the list. Where
do you live again?
-Paul Dito
harumph. This is a harumph kind of morning.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No offense or anything, but is there anyone in the state of Louisiana you
_don't_ have a sexually-oriented relationship with?
-Nathan Winant
I'll volunteer... just fly me over, and I'll be you're gimpish sexslave torture
victim type thingy... you just have to pay the expenses... (this goes for
anyone, by the way...)
-Funky J
The integral of your mom is fat plus a constant, where the constant is equal to
more fat.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
you know, fat plus more fat in such a small mom could cause protons to collide
forming some kinda high density stuff that attracts the black hole. and kohl
just has been killed and replaced by alien clones, everywhere in germany.
-Rafael Lemke
Look, I don't want to start another math war or anything, but you're saying if
you differentiate fat, the result is my mom?
-Paul Dito
AOL is a front for the government! I'll point out the similarities... AOL is a
three letter name. The government likes to use three letter names: FBI, NSA,
CIA. That's all I have for far, but I'll get back to you. Trust no one.
-Jason
Fascinating. But it raises the same questions as all cybernetic augmentation:
Where is the line drawn between man and machine? Does a noble cause give us the
right to play God? And perhaps most importantly, do we _really_ want to breed
ourselves into an unholy army of technogimps?
-Nathan Winant
GAR!!!! TOO QUIET!!! We need ghost, bean, and about 73 epileptic mimes.
-Nathan Winant
Mime. Meme. Think about it.
-Nathan Winant
No, I thought YOU were only used for evil.
-Nathan Winant
I get paid for good uses, but I'll be evil for free.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm worth a good 37 mimes just by my very lonesome.
-Alloni Kramer
It's not the planet that I'm worried about; it's my sinuses. The planet can go
to hell for all I ca... nevermind. Too late.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Must obey dark masters. But still sleepy. Solution: disobey dark masters.
zzzzzzzzz.
-Alloni Kramer
Okay.. So I'm new to this mailing list.. and I've only seen 14 or 15 emails fly
by.. but damn, do I feel that this is a good step towards developing some
psychological pathologies.
-Will
Hello Will. Have you accepted Jesus into your heart as your personal lord and
savior? Answer carefully, and know that ye shall be judged.
-Mark T. Doner
There is nothing wrong with any of us AND I'LL RIP YOUR SPLEEN OUT AND EAT IT IN
FRONT OF YOU IF YOU SAY OTHERWISE.
-Alloni Kramer
I think that drugs are the work of the devil, and I'm firmly on the devil's
side.
-Alloni Kramer
How odd is that? After talking large amounts of hallucinogens, I see green
apples walking on the beach... What a crazy world, huh?
-Jason
hi will! my name is tiffany but i'm using my older brothers' old account, so
everyone calls me nathan. =) i'm 15, i'm a total candy raver, but i'm stuck in
this lame all-girls catholic school. anyway... turn ons: loud techno music,
dancing on the beach, drugs with initials, crazy wild nasty sex, glo sticks,
older men, and pokemon. turns offs: britney spears, closed minded people, nuns,
and daterape. welcome to the list! xox!
-Nathan Winant
hehehe... I thought this
> When I was 13 I was forced into going to church camp. Does that count?
was an answer to this...
> So how did you find out about abducted?
*stoned again*
-Funky J
I shouldn't be typing this. I should be working. A little buzzing busy bee.
But, alas! I am lazy. Which is both the reason, the excuse, and a pithy
analysis of all that makes up meness, outside of the large constantly moving
mass of disordered thoughts and twisted urges.
-Alloni Kramer
New word: pedewrath. Abuse it as you like. I'd suggest something to do with
small children and berserk psychopathic fits, but it can mean artichokes should
that be your leanings. Go with it. A gold start goes to the most inspired
definition, and the creator of said definition gets to spend a week in Dr.
Kramer's Shack O' Luv, located out in the woods where the cops can't find it or
me. I'm being hunted. I'm actually a class at "The Academy". "Hunting the
wild Alloni 101". Various instructors share their tricks and traps that have
been used successfully in the past, with the notation that I'm only caught by
any trick once, and the second time I simply stand in the distance, make mocking
comments, moon the hunters, and disappear into the underbrush, leaving only a
small mound of discarded Oreo shells. (It's not entirely true that I'm only
caught once, by the by. I'm only caught by the same trick on odd-numbered
attempts, and so far no one has attempted the trick the third time, as they
don't appreciate my disregard for the environment.) I was actually the guest
instructor there a couple weeks back. I recommended the use of attractive
females that are likely to have an odd sympathy for me that develops into
adoration and lust for my body as bait. I hope I hope I hope.
-Alloni Kramer
He's not very trusting. I can't imagine why.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh, stop teasing poor Tif. She's only a 15 year-old candy raver. Cut her some
slack. She isn't getting on the pleasure saucers without it and we all want her
there. Or we all want her. One of those.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, see, I fucked up and cut Khanh's part of the text out of the email, 'cos I
typed out the disclaimer and then thought "screw it" and was gonna just post a
whole new message without any associations, but I'm a poopyhead, so.. okay..
this is taking way too long to explain. I wish I was dead!
-Will
I don't think my wife would appreciate me smelling like Jennifer.
-Khanh Nguyen
Apparently my flavour for today is Spontaneous.
-Will
Are you saying I'm not real? I'm real! I'm flesh and strawberry Jell-o,
goddamnit! I have squishy, fruity feelings! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!! *foam, snarl,
snap*
-Will
Yay! I go home now! I'm as free as a blowjob from a Phillipine hooker! No
offence to any Phillipines, hookers, Phillipine hookers, or the decendents,
relatives, friends, or housepets thereof.
-Will
You bore me. I must compensate for this by killing all your firstborn male
children.
-Alloni Kramer
My condolences.. A complimentary crate of Pez is on its way to soothe your pain
with strawberry sweetness.
-Will (acceptable)
"A camel representing each state shall have the ability to graze..." I forget
the rest. I never read the Camel Act chapter my high school history class.
-Jason
Well, *I* never voted to have camel's in the legislature! I say we repeal this
vile act!! Rise up against the camel's in your governing body! But watch out,
they spit.
-Marhod
Talk to me.. Me and my friends are rubbing each other down with baby oil and
giving each other spankings.
-Will
So why the hell would you want to talk to us? When me and my friends are rubbing
each other down with baby oil and giving each other spankings, abducted is the
last thing on my mind. Though there was that one time when Nathan screamed out,
"ALLONI!", in the middle, but he said that was just the vodka.
-Garth
as long as it isn't my third eye that I lose, that's ok. I'd hate to lose my
third eye.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
-WARNING REALLY BAD AND OBVIOUS PUN WARNING- Yeah. Then you'd be third eye
blind.
-Alloni Kramer
All fun and games til someone loses an eye.
Or a scrotum.
I can hear mom now. "You kids stop that! You could poke a scrotum out!"
-Khanh 'n Jason 'n Jennifer
Not, poke. Tear. More descriptive, and makes most males in the vicinity kring.
-Kevin (cringe, i think)
"Bobby, get those scissors away from your brother's genitals!"
-Jason
Cost of living is extremely low here. I could probably live very comfortably on
only $6/hour. Assuming I worked 130 hours a week.
-Chris Wayne
If you'll look out your window, you'll notice your invisible ninjas have grown
old and died while awaiting my response. So ends the Age of Alloni. Now begins
the Age of Procrastination. Tomorrow, probably.
-Chris Wayne
Mmm, hailstorms. Gods way of saying. "What's the easiest way to get someone to
invent paintless dent repair?"
-Kevin
I am not yet ready to reveal myself as The Abbreviated Christ.
-Chris Wayne
I have nothing to fear from you. Only females are born in my family, for several
generations now. Which, now that I think about it, must mean that I'm adopted.
Or I've been living a lie. hmmmm.
-Chris Wayne (i vote b)
I haven't had sex in five days. Why I chose to sacrifice a full week's worth of
sex for a mentally and spiritually relaxing week in California full of getting
stoned and eating junk food with my mom and getting drunk and staring at girls
with my old high school friends I'll never know.
-Will
Once, my friend Celeste and I put each of our heads in a cup of my bra and
fastered it under our chins. Made a nice hat. For siamese twins.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Is it just me, or does the Internet mainly consist of people who have a
disposition toward being big huge weirdos?
-Will
Will, we aren't all weird. I can't understand why you would force people into a
category where some don't fit. Some of us are freaks, and we demand to be
notice. Freaks of the world, put down your shaved chickens and stand with me!
Wait, we will need the chickens in an hour or so... Put your chickens in your
pants; yes, yes... near your genitals. Now stand and walk funny, with pride!
-Jason
I was afraid to masturbate because I would always catch fire.
Whoa. You can move your hand that fast?
You'd be amazed what they teach you in the Boy Scouts.
-Chris 'n Mark 'n Chris
Things have always been boring. You were just too busy to notice.
-Marhod
I immediately imagined big buff guys with guns in slinky lingerie. Thatnks!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The store was out of glow-in-the-dark alien shower curtains! What kind of world
IS THIS???
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It didn't dawn on me until I got in my car that she was a prostitute. A real,
live, "Hey I'm a prostitute!" sign and I missed it. I feel so innocent. ick.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The next thing you'll be telling me is that Santa Claus has "inappropriate
contact" with his reindeer.
-Jason
I blame the evil computer aliens. Their domination of us is nearly complete.
-Marhod
Official Abducted Something-Or-Other: (Dr. E. von Obnox)
<Incoming Message from the Big Giant Head>
The Big Giant Head has noticed that the fun quotient of this planet is trending
downward like a jettisoned solid rocket booster.
Recent research has confirmed existence of certain "sobriety carriers" at large
in the population.
Special sunglasses that will permit immediate identification of these carriers
will be issued to all operatives, who will be required to wear said glasses
during all waking hours.
Upon encountering an individual who causes the glasses to alert, all operatives
are instructed to approach said individual, and if possible, apply the "sekryt
vibrating palm handshake".
</Incoming Message from the Big Giant Head>
Official Abducted Musings on Mississippi Aroused Man Arrestal Law: (J Gassaway)
When I first read this post I thought "Right on! It's about damn time somebody
put a stop to the fucking vulgarity!" (I know when I'm strippin' for a roomful
of men the last thing I need is for one of them to go and get hard on me.) But
then some pressing questions began popping up... urgently demanding to be asked.
For example:
What if your boys are completely 'at rest' but appear turgid due to the fact
that they're inordinately large?
Is it fair that these constituents with incredibly small penises who frequent
strip clubs--whose erections aren't even discernable!--should make trouble for
guys with enormous wangs?
Would highly excitable men begin sporting special 'binding' pants in order to
escape detection?
What about male strippers?
Will they only arrest guys in strip clubs or will they eventually start
arresting adolescent boys during class in an attempt to nip the problem in the
bud?
Will our schools have Hall *and* Turgidity monitors?
|