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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Must you women solve everything with violence?
Either that or sex. Sex solves everything.
I vote for violent sex.
-Khanh 'n Kevin 'n Khanh
You look like a meatball.
-Khanh Nguyen
I got this catalog in the mail. Giving children the gift of goat. I don't
know what else to say.
-Chris Wayne
You want gruesome? Wait until the "Interactive Movies" come out... Before
buying the ticket you have to sign a form that notifies you of what may be
squirted/thrown during the movie.
Aliens: Slime.
Saving Private Ryan: Blood, raw meat, little bits of metal/dirt to
simulate shrapnel.
<any movie with a car chase>: Motor oil, gasoline, miscellaneous arts
from a car.
<any porno movie>: Miscellaneous lubricants and body fluids.
-Jason
Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
Why not. Messengers are usually unarmed with little in ways of protecting
themselves.
-Khanh 'n Kevin
I'm two-headed myself.
-Khanh Nguyen
my mom thinks Nathan is cute but she's not so sure about his girlfriend.
Which says to me that she thinks Nathan is cute and that he sould be
dating me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am staring at your rod.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm good at schmoozing parents. Once I walked into the room while the
father of my then boyfriend was yelling at him because if he kept being an
asshole I was going to break up with him and I'm the best thing that ever
happened to him and blah blah blah. Of course, his father was in the KKK
so I take that with a grain of salt.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I AM Too Hot For TV.
-Nathan Winant
a proverb for modern times: watched pr0n never downloads.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Louisiana is not another country. Louisiana is HELL. I quite enjoyed it.
I'm a hell kinda guy.
-Alloni Kramer
Oh. Oh, somebody pinch me. I just found out I share a birthday with...
Harlan Ellison. It's like a dream come true.
-Alloni Kramer
Nobody says "no" to nintendo. Nobody.
-Nathan Winant
Nobody says "no" to marketing. Nobody.
-Nathan Winant
<unzip pants for penis contest>
Tee Hee, I like my Dual 400Mhz Celeron... All g4's bow before me,
for I am 800MHz Man!
</unzip pants for penis contest>
-Jason
I guess I should be wary of any guy who wants to borrow my socks.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You got a problem with goat? Some of my fondest memories of the country
involve goats.
-Khanh Nguyen
I will let them live in blissful ignorance of the depths to which humanity
can descend. I will allow them their dreams of a brighter world. A
cleaner world. A world without giant robotic cockroaches. They do not
understand. They cannot understand until they feel the essential
meaningless and futility of all their pitiful experiences. Until they
suffer the agony of hope's death. Until they order far too much sushi.
And take some of it home with them. ONLY TO BE LEFT UNEATEN. I must reap
this whirlwind.
-Alloni Kramer
Actually, I'll soon be unveiling Funky J's Giant Carnival Tent of Fun and
Antics. Of course, it'll be "Funky J's Giant Carnival Tent" because the
tent will be made in part from his skin, and the "Fun and Antics" comes
from the joyous release I will experience in flaying it from his body, but
hey, the kids'll love it.
-Nathan Winant
... making this the perfect time of year to give lutefisk as a gift to
your friends and family -- or your loyal minions!
-Nathan Winant
Freaks. Freaks and wierdos. You all disgust me. Individually and
collectively. Applying your insignificant efforts towards fighting The
Machine as opposed to surrendering, more, to being a good cog. Remember
that The Machine does care about you. True, you are an easily replaceable
cog, but even an easily replaceable cog requires some effort to replace.
It is far, far easier for It for you to simply give in and be a cog. It
will bend It's efforts to making certain life is comfortable and secure
for you, as that is in It's own best interests, and It is nothing if not
pragmatic. Be a cog. Be a good cog. Be the best cog you can be. You
will be happier for it, and The Machine will work better for it, and you
can be comforted by the fact that you make a difference by so doing. And
The Machine will run smoothly. For there to be resistance there must first
be conformity.
-Alloni Kramer
If I don't get some response to this, I will be Very Unhappy. And when
I'm unhappy... puppies die; I'm far to wussy to tackle people. But cute,
fuzzy puppies. You don't want the puppies to die, do you? Nobody hates
puppies. Love the puppies. Help the puppies live. Respond to this
message.
-Alloni Kramer
I have a string that loves me. And I love my string back, damn it!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I only suck AFTER I've everted my gastric suck and softened up any of the
chitinous proteins in my prey.
-Dr. E. von Obnox
Keyboard design for soft stubby pink fingers IRRITATE ME
-Dr. E. von Obnox
I am merely a messenger of the lord, and here to save you from the
degradation of your lives. Just think - in the kingdom of heaven, there
are enough pretzels for everyone! Doesn't that make you want to give up
your sinful lives for the glory of the lord? Free pretzels!
-Alloni Kramer
I'm getting fed up. The alkaloids just don't help any more. My dog is
scared. A pregnant woman crossed six lanes of traffic to avoid walking
past me today.
-Dr. E. von Obnox
You don't scare me. I have nuclear missiles.
-Alloni Kramer
Keep the lutefiske away from Bobby Hill!
-Gary Sommer
announcement: I am a no stabbing zone.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That sounds disturbing. Tell me more.
-Alloni Kramer
I knew it! God WANTS us to eat meat! Praise Jesus! Pass the pork chops!
Exclamation! Point!
-Chris Wayne
But I had to save the puppies! And drive Alloni to suicide. Two birds, one
stone. My conscience is clear.
-Chris Wayne
come into work one day naked save for some tribal body painting and a
spear, and quietly stalk the halls in search of prey.
-Nathan Winant
If there is one list out there prone to flying guitars circling around
altertops of glass, I'd have to think that I think that you think that
this isn't it.
-Alloni Kramer
"Beer is the mind-killer. Beer is the little death that brings total
obliteration. I will face my beer. I will permit it to pass over me and
through me. And it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its
path. When the beer has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Goats
Yesterday morning I dreamt that I had to make a coldfusion custom tag or
Thanksgiving dinner just wouldn't be right. You see, I could make a tag
that made gravy. No problem. The problem was making that tag make giblets
as well. Cause you can't have mashed potatos with gravy on Thanksgiving
unless the gravy has giblets. It's just not right. The big problem was
defining the internal organs of the turkey in such a way that the tag
could recognize the nice yummy organs and figure out how to cut them in to
gravy-appropriate-sized pieces of varying shapes. I woke up before I
finished the tag. Now we may never know what exactly is involved in
integrating ColdFusion and Thanksgiving dinner.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Um, I have half a pint on my desk. I'm throwing it your way now. [cue
fx.] it should be there in a few minutes.
-DerekFelix
hmmm. the internet makes beer flat. oh well.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
This. This is my fate. To be known across the world for my huge,
throbbing, engorged pineal gland. I suffer so.
-Alloni Kramer
Integration is possible, or is this strictly a differential anomaly?
-DerekFelix
You've got to be kidding. Enslaving adorable little critters, trapping
them in a tiny prison ball, and then forcing them into gladiatorial
combat, all for BADGES?? Who needs steenking badges? Barney may ensorcell
the young and innocent, sure, but at least he doesn't employ slave labor.
-Chris Wayne
so if microsoft gets broken up, does that mean we'd have a whole bunch of
nanosofts?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Great. One post from jennifer, and the whole list goes dead. Admit it,
Jennifer! You did this on PURPOSE!!!
-Nathan Winant
Slowly. Slowly I weave my net of conspiracy. I will prove yet that
Ernest Borgnine was the last pope's illegitimate daughter.
-Alloni Kramer
Flip a coin. The coin always knows. Obey the coin and bow in it's glory
to predict the future. Do not mock the coin for the coin is a spiteful
metallic object. Oh coin, thou art my master... Command me!
-Jason
And in a last-minute surprise upset... APATHY WINS!!! That's right, folks,
right when we were on the verge of a victory for Diligent Work, Apathy
charged straight down the center of the field to WIN! IT! ALL! Goal! GOAL!
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
OO OO! I made my very first SQL inner join! And it worked the first time
(not counting typos)! It was cooooool. I did a little dance. Of course,
that could be attributed to the lounge version of "Sunglasses at Night"
that was playing at the time. I didn't have enough maracas, though. None
was definitely not enough maracas. I need maracas if I'm gonna keep
working here. The cheesy music theme of the programmers office requires
maracas. MORE COFFEE! IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I resent that. I don't babble. I... expostulate. I entrance. I vilify.
I entertain. I indulge in artistic fervor. IT'S ART, YOU IGNORANT
PLEBIANS! ART! I am a muse, filling your hearts with joy and drama!
Worship me as your undying lord and master!
-Alloni Kramer
Now. Crack the knuckles, crack the back, crack the smoke, to work.
-Alloni Kramer
Not enough? We'll also give you a genuine handcrafted faux machine-sewn
SemiDiamond Tiara, with bright, sparkling, near-leather Rhinestones, and a
sturdy cork Ironing board, made out of real snakeskin almost, all for only
a few monthly payments of $299.95 per month, or only $10 a day for the
rest of your life! Yes, that great deal includes the Ronco Saddle
Splitter, the Perpetual Motion Motion MOTION Machine (runs on household
current), the Tiara OF DEATH, the Ironing Board, the Grand Duchess of Palm
Beach, the current Emperor of San Francisco if he's willing to come live
with you, a brief, fleeting moment of fame on the 10 o'clock news on NBC,
and an aardvaark in a pear tree.
-Alloni Kramer
It's so obvious, how can you miss it? Those poor children on Barnet ARE
slaves! What child in his right mind WANTS to stay at school? And do you
think children are naturally that happy? Either Barney beats them off
camera or drugs them. Either way, they are slave labor.
-Marhod
Marhod, you ignorant slut. Those "children" are all actors and highly paid
ones at that. And they're not chilcren either. Barney is actually over
twelve feet tall, so they only APPEAR to be children.
-Chris Wayne
Miss Manners for Perverts Tip #36: It is impolite to use a stripper's
g-string to make change.
-Chris Wayne
Actually, Amish chicks aren't really easy. Although they are cheap. You'd
be amazed what a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon can get you.
-Chris Wayne
Some men will go to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are.
Witness Frenchman Pierre Pumpille of Lyon who recently shunted a
stationary car two feet by head-butting it. "Women thought I was a god,"
he explained from his hospital bed. Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a
veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who
staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his
own head. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was
suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games. Initially they hit
each other over the head with frozen swedes, but then one man seized a
chain saw and cut off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski
grabbed the saw and, crying "Watch this then!", swung at his own head and
chopped it off. "It's funny," said one companion, "because when he was
young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
-Chris Wayne
Maybe they learn yoga so they can masturbate with their toes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Okay, I shall teach you The Ways. You'll be like the grasshopper guy and
I'll be the blind guy. Here we go, Lesson One: first you take your left
hand, or your right if you prefer, then you unbutton your pants- Hey! Wait
a second. You don't *really* want to know The Ways of the Ancients!
Er...do you?
-Paul
Ah, you see, this was where you went wrong. You had optimistic feelings
about your fellow humans. Always assume that people are stupid.
Admittedly, there is a possibility that you are wrong. A small
possibility. A _very_ small possibility.
-Alloni Kramer
That whole "day of rest" thing just bugs me. God takes 6 days to create
the world. And then he takes a day off to screw around, play video games,
and generally be lazy. Leaving aside the "well, wasn't he also being lazy
the next day, and the day after that, and so on" bit, 'cause maybe he has
a day job or something. But for this day, on which god rested, we're
supposed, in the dominant western religion, to take some time off and tell
him how cool he is. That's god masturbating, is what that is. There's no
artistic truth in it, it's just mindless flattery that he caused to
happen. The universal equivalent of writing a program that prints "U
R00L, D00D!!!!!!!!" on the screen over and over. By now, I think he's
just fucking tired of it. That's why the world is going to end. He's
going to remember this thing he set up as part of a frat party some eons
back, and he's going to be all embarrassed about it, and take it apart for
spare parts.
-Alloni Kramer
Mmmmm...womanesses are my favorite kind.
-Paul Dito
So be it, then. I declare today to be abducted's Sex With Women Day!
Huzzah! Rejoice! Have sex with women!
-Nathan Winant
btw, i wish i could take a pic of a specific whorehouse here... it has
dogs walking around, old indian women selling bubble gum and cigarretes,
men pooing with the bathroom door open, the most horrible woman ive ever
seen and one young somewhat cool chick with this snake tattooed up to her
stomach.
-Rafael Lemke
Don't worry, you can have sex with men. Remember, it's Sex _With_ Women
Day. As long as your sex act(s) have at least one woman involved -- and
that can be you -- then you can have as many men involved as you like. I
mean, since everyone -- man or woman -- is gonna want to participate, it
just doesn't WORK if women can only have sex with women. THAT would be
Women Having Sex With Women day, and it's coming up _next_ month. Okay,
I'll admit that male homosexuals are kinda being left outta this one, but
hey, they get a whole fucking parade. All we're asking for is a day, here.
-Nathan Winant
I just called my girlfriend up. Informed her that it's abducted Sex With
Women Day, so I wanted to have sex with her. She seemed flattered by this.
But it appears that she may not be able to see me. because. she's.
cleaning. her. room. ... ..... ......... MY WOMAN DENIED ME SEX! This has
NEVER happened before! Never! I have NEVER been denied sex by a girlfriend
of mine! THIS! IS! INCONCEIVABLE!!! Nobody denies Nathan sex! NOBODY!
*NO-BODY*!!!!!!!!!!!! ... Well, nobody who happens to be my girlfriend, a
homosexual male I meet in an internet chat room, one of my jr. high school
teachers, a middle-aged transvestite, or an albino child under the age of
six. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT, DAMMIT!!!!! Nobody denies Nathan sex.
Nobody.....
-Nathan Winant
Damn... But can I still send you naked pictures? Not of me, that would
be sick... Pictures of Nathan. Hey Nathan, remember that time we got
drunk and when you woke up naked I told you that it was because your
clothes caught on fire... wait.. nevermind, I don't have any pictures..
or video. And I never dressed you up like a sailor.
-Jason
hmmmmmm. porn? quotes? porn? quotes? porn? quotes? oh bugger. this is a
tough one.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Alloni, we don't stroke you because of quotes. We don't stroke you because
of shameless self-interest... No, we stroke you because It's The Right
Thing To Do. And The Tasty Way To Do It.
-Nathan Winant
No, the worlds going to end because I had sex.
-Funky J
Nathan, this one actually believes there is a conscious entity somewhere
sending him email off this list and also believes that bitching at said
entity will accomplish something. And altho there may be no sport in it
anylonger, I think we might be able to make an exception in this case.
Ya know, old school like.
-Khanh Nguyen
Oh, I dunno. I must profess a certain, mild concern over the thought of
Stephen Hawking blowing up the universe. It would just complicate my whole
week.
-Nathan Winant
Alright, I tried to be polite. I really did. Everyone saw. I tried to be
polite. Get back work on the quotes, Kramer, or I feed you to my goldfish.
-Nathan Winant
... No, when it comes to pr0n I'm picky. The best I've found is stuff
around the level of, say, penthouse. Somewhat nasty, with a bit of a
flair. Kinda like me, actually.
-Nathan Winant
You know, we really do need to have some kind of testing process to allow
people to get on this list. I don't care if it's an IQ test, a urinalysis
to see if they've watched the TGIF lineup anytime in the past six months,
arm wrestling, steel cage deathmatch, WHATEVER. Something. Anything. Maybe
we should get a bouncer.
-Nathan Winant
Well... alright. OSG in da howse! Original Schwa Gangsta. Aksept no
substitutes.
-Nathan Winant
That's all fine and dandy, but make sure you clean up after your self... I
don't want my quotes all sticky.
-Jason
Bill Gates decided that he was tired of all the responsibility of being a
gazillionaire, so he wanted to have a second childhood. He had a doctor
come up with a chemical that would make everyone who took it carefree and
uneducated for a short period of time. Bill dumped it in the water supply.
I knew about his plot, so I put myself in a cryogenic sleep machine that
no one had to monitor or run and I set the timer for ten years. By the
time I woke up, everyone was convinced that the Bill Gates food additive
was the only reason that their food was safe, so no one ever ate or drank
anything they may not have contained the chemical. I found a closet of
glow-in-the-dark rafts and I had to wait until dark to get them down to
the ocean so I could sail off to a nearby previously uninhabited island.
Then my mom showed up in lingerie and I woke up.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Your mother showed up in lingerie?!? Freud would have a field day.
As if Freud wouldn't have a field day with my dreams anyway.
-Khanh 'n Jennifer
That would kick marsupial ass.
-Garth
Want a crack... er?
-Jason
Polly and I are very hungry. And COLD. I have no heater in this room so I
only have porn to keep me warm. Unfortunately, its only keeping PARTS of
me warm. I have to find a walmart or something.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
OK. I rolled a six. I get wheat and wide-assed sheep. Now I'm gonna play
this card I bought last turn. I now have a monopoly. On porn involving
chicks in Cathloc school uniforms/ plaid skirts. Hand it over. It's all
mine now. I'm gonna get laid yet.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That show sucks so hard I'm surprised your set didn't implode.
-Garth
'Tis the season, so I'm doing what I did last year around this time.
Combing the Internet for cool/interesting Christmas related mp3's. One
thing i haven't found is a traditional Xmas song done in a pimp
music-esque way.
-Kevin
No crack for the Amish. It's pure white flake, as God intended.
-Chris Wayne
Of course, I think you meant to ask "Will anyone tell me how to
unsubscribe from this list??" to which the answer would be no.
-Chris Wayne
Wait, try this... make a blood sacrifice to the Unsubscribe God, the crack
an egg with your left elbow, then pull your pants down around your ankles
and jump up and down for one minute.
-Jason
I had a dream in which everyone worshipped and feared me as the damn well
should. Then I had another dream that "they" (not "They") were making a
movie at my Dad's house and Robin Williams loved my dog.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Random Thought. Pauly Shore does porno.
-Jason
well, that would be difficult since my penis left me. these days I looked
in my boxer shortz and there was a note. "it seems like years since you
last used me for something else than pissing and masturbating. Ill try to
find someone that deserves me. your penis"
-Rafael Lemke
I personally believe she's living in the center of the earth with the
nazis, breeding a new super race to one day rise up and purge the world of
dirty blood and amateur porn.
-Nathan Winant
lemke. friend. buddy. lover.
-Nathan Winant
Yay! Up with drug-crazed hussies doing triple penetration movies!!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I did come up with a good phrase this past weekend. Possibly the Xtians
previously came with it, but they probably intend it a different way. "As
sweet as the tongue of the Father of Lies."
-Alloni Kramer
I just mistyped Gary Sommer as Gark Sommer. And I looked at it. And
thought. What a neat name.
-Alloni Kramer
Plus, you look remarkably unlike Stuff, although you are both Jewish. Or
at least you are both of Jewish descent. But he is a very very huge black
man. Alloni is not a very very large black man.
How would you know? The wonder of the Internet. I may just be inside a
small white puppet.
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
Official Abducted Religious Theorizing: (Alloni Kramer)
Let's say you are a religious person. And let's say that god comes down
unto you in a pillar of light and glory and says unto you, "Go and kill
everyone in that bar over there, 'cause they've really pissed Me off, and
I want them to pay, and I am feeling lazy, and that's what worshippers are
for anyway, so go to it."
And you, being a worshipful person, assume that this must have some deep
significance because god told you to do it, like, one of them will become
the next Hitler, or something, when instead it's probably that He caught
one of them fantasizing about His girlfriend. So you go and plant
explosives In The Name Of The Lord. And the bar does snuff it in His
mercy.
And then you'll get arrested, and tried, and convicted, and possibly
excecuted.
The State likes to keep god in His place.
Probably why He's so pissy lately.
Official Abducted Attempt to Unsubscribe: (Jason)
Dear Major Domo,
It has come to my attention that I am subscribed to this group. Please
stop sending other people's mail. I don't think the U.S. Army would like
a member of it's organization doing things like this. Don't make me
report you to your C.O.
Jason
Mr. Domo, I don't appreciate you mocking me like this. I will report if
you don't stop playing games. Please stop...
I've had enough of this... Screw you and your stupid jokes. I'm changing
my email address thanks to you, happy now? I hope you have a tank
accident or you shoot yourself or something bad like that. Leave me
alone!
Official Abducted Nathan's Recipe For Corporate Success: (Nathan Winant)
At all times and in all places, lie. Don't change the facts, simply
spin-doctor them beyond all recognition. It's the classic sleight-of-hand
trick!
Shortly thereafter, land yourself in a soulless, overpoliticized job in a
soulless, overpoliticized department, as apathy and
environmentally-induced depression begin to eat you from the inside out.
The key here is to get yourself hooked on the ridiculously exaggerated
salary, all the while justifying it with vague mumblings of being "crushed
beneath the machinery of corporate america" and something about "all those
ridiculously rich, out-of-touch management types". Every day, consider
your limitless employability and how ripe the job market is. Make up
little rants in your head for your bosses and coworkers about how you
could "get any job in this town" "for twice the pay of this one"
"tomorrow". Never, ever, ever, ever, ever use any of these rants.
Now, here's comes the tricky part: you have to become so enamored with the
predictability of your current position, and/or so fearful of even the
slightest chance of losing that ridiculous salary you've become so
addicted to, that you would never, ever, ever, ever, ever consider leaving
through any deliberate action on your part.
Let sit on medium heat for 3-6 months.
Learn to smoke. If you already smoke, learn to chain-smoke. If you already
chain-smoke, I dunno, shoot heroin into your veins in the bathroom.
(You're kinda on your own on this one.) Make repeated, unsolicited
comments throughout the day to your coworkers about how you "could really
use a drink about now". Go so far as to suggest to coworkers that you run
down to the liquor store, right now, and pick up a bottle of whiskey. Try
to pick coworkers for this who are particularly unlikely to call your
bluff.
Develop your vague dissatisfaction into a finely honed beam of pure,
cynical, self-righteous apathy which can be directed towards any
individual, group, task, or institution on a moment's notice with
blindingly sublime intensity. Late at night, every night, in a
closely-guarded moment of deep introspection, turn said beam onto
yourself, slowly decimated your self-esteem and growing your oedipal
corporate dependency to heights that would make kurt cobain's
maggot-ravaged corpse dry-cum with envy. Daydream about running off into
the woods to a shack, a dog, a shotgun, and a critically-acclaimed webpage
of your inanely sophomoric passive-aggressive rantings, eking out a
neo-thoreau-esque existence which in your latter years will see you
remembered as one of the Great Minds of the 20th century. Never, ever,
ever, ever, ever act on these ambitions. Die an empty husk of man.
Reincarnate, rinse, repeat.
Official Abducted Reason To Start A Cult: (Alloni Kramer)
All right.
Let's assume a god.
The three traits of godhood as commonly defined are that they must be
omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent. As Heinlein said, pick any
two of the three. I'm going with omniscient and omnipotent, because I
feel like it, and that defines the god-that-is-powerful.
That means: anything that happens must happen because said god has
decreed that it would happen. Nothing happens by chance. Everything has
happened because said god has previously decided that it would one day
turn out to be this way.
This means: if I come up with a bizarre, twisted religion, one that
preaches Alloniworship, or lintworship, or that we all end up Where Socks
Go In The Dryer, I have come up with it because god had decided that it
Would Happen.
Thus: any religion has the support of god.
I think I'm on to something here.
I had almost abandoned the starting-a-cult-and-ruling-the-world plan due
to lack of interest, but now that I know god has Called me to do it. I
have god on my side. Excellent.
Any of you feeling gullible?
Official Abducted Religious Response: (Nathan Winant)
Close, my friend. Very, very close.
All religions are one(1) -- splinters, fragments, of Truth... No holy book
is any more nor any less than but a chapter in the grand whodunnit novel
of The Universe. Therefore if we wish to understand the world, we must
study all of these sacred and arcane texts. We must dutifully pour over
the divinely inspired words of all the world's many and varied faiths,
whilst tirelessly scouring the earth for those ancient writings lost to
time. Only then, can we Know. Only then, will we have Truth.
... Luckily, that's why I'm here.
It is recorded(2) that aeons ago, before the dawn of time, God did massage
himself, and from his wonderous, misspent seed, our world was born.
However this ancient tome(3) fails to record how long God actually engaged
in this act.
Enter the Torah(4).(5) This document faithfully records the amount of time
God spent creating the world, but gets pretty sketchy with the
motivation... short of, "He was really, reeeaaally lonely". Similarly,
from this same source, we have all heard God remarking on how "we will
make man in our own image."(6) This, however, is actually a garbled
translation of the original Cryptarabic Hebrew script in which the chapter
is written. A more accurate translation is along the lines of, "We shalt
Make unto our image of Man(7)".
Drawing from these two culturally and regionally disparate sources, a
picture emerges: clear, unmistakable. God is obviously a repressed
homosexual adolescent with uncontrollable hormones but serious, serious,
performance problems.... and he can hear his mother coming up the stairs.
All we've got is a reprieve while he searches for the Kleenex.
1 - except for that whole mormon thing. I mean, come ON.
2 - in one of those wacky indian religions or something
3 - again, see the baghavadaspoochoo or something
4 - or, as it's known in slightly more heretical circles, The Big Book Of
Jewish Humor
5 - we just wanted to take a moment to point out what a cool movie title
that would be. _Enter The Torah_. We can just see hordes of hacidic Kung
Fu Action rabbis jumping around the room, dealing death with witty but
poignant quips and flying matzah kicks, sworn unto death to carry out the
sinister orders of their evil master -- The Moyle! ... But then, we
digress.
6 - see Leviticadeutoronymous 3:16. Uhm, yeah. That's it. Thaaaaat's it...
7 - some scholars translate this word as "Ricky Martin."
Official Abducted Scary Thought: (Nathan Winant)
I just had a scary thought. Stephen Hawking is one of the most renowned
scientists of our time. He is continually developing theories relating to
the essential nature and workings of the very universe.
... the very universe which cursed him to live out his life in a
wheelchair, completely dependant on a speak 'n' spell. Now I dunno about
you, but if the universe did that to me, I sure as hell wouldn't be
spending all my time trying to "understand" the damn thing just for the
hell of it.
How do we know that little Stephen isn't just biding his time, waiting
until his research comes to fruition and he can unleash upon all creation
The Omega Bomb; in one fell swoop dethroning that cold, unfeeling god who
damned him so, while lashing out at all those people who turned their
backs on him oh-so-many years ago?
How do we know? HOW DO WE KNOW???
Official AQ Test: (Jason)
Question #1:
Have you ever been abducted by cheese?
Question #2:
Please put the following numbers in any order.
3 - 2 - 6 - 1
Question #3:
What flavor gum am I chewing right now?
Question #4:
What sound does a squirrel make when you step on it?
Official Abducted Chaos Lecture: (Alloni Kramer)
There are a few things about chaos that we need to get straight. Firstly.
Saying chaos worship is a mistake. We aren't really worshipping chaos, any
more than uptight, anal retentive, by-the-book, controlled, rigid people
actually worship order. It's more of a belief. We believe in chaos.
And we don't even believe in true chaos, either. We can't comprehend true
chaos. The best we can do is to impose our semi-ordered vision on a
constantly shifting impossibility. We believe in ordered systems, yes.
Simply different ones. Changing ones. New worldviews, new beliefs,
having a different vision yesterday than today.
Secondly. I just want to drive home that the beliefs most people hold
true around here aren't universal. Look. Think of our solar system. This
huge mass of empty space. Zoom in on Jupiter. A big planet. A hundred
earths could fit inside and never be felt. (At this point, the
surroundings faded away, and we were in empty space.) Now let's shrink
down Jupiter to the size of a basketball. (At this point, Jupiter shrank
to a beautifully detailed basketball, which I dribbled.) Now. With
Jupiter the size of a basketball, and Earth a pea, and everything else
shrunk comparitively. Travel out, oh, let's say 5 light years. A
distance so vast it even takes light itself 5 years to travel across it.
You're still going to find stars, and planets, and galazies. Different
ones. Strange ones. Ones that we may never even be able to begin to
conceive of the rules they operate under. We are a speck in the cosmos.
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