. . .



But mommy, I don't *wanna* be an academic, obsessed with irony and my own
cleverness!
  -grey

I got pants today! I now have three pairs of sturdy jeans with no holes in
the crotch!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

I is a cheap web ho.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

I knew those organic chem classes would pay off eventually. And now that I
am using my pre-packaged notes as recycled paper, I know how! I had to
take orgo 2 so I would not be out of printer paper!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

You've started an underground methamphetamine lab? You go, girl!
  -Jonathan Mayer

"Oh, boo hoo. My name is Funky J and all the time australian people are
always raping my anus. Oh, boo hoo." ... Well, FUCK YOU, Funky J! Maybe
it's time you starting taking just a LITTLE responsibility for your own
damn anus, and let the rest of us get back to what we're SUPPOSED to be
doing: racing funnycars around retirement homes and molesting unborn
fetuses!
  -Nathan Winant

I want to know why no one wants to rape my anus.  Maybe some people over
here in America need their anus's raped, did you ever think of that Funky
J?  Who do you think you are?, not sharing the anus rapers with the rest
of the world.  You can be so insensitive sometimes...
  -Jason

A very odd thing has happened, Outlook (yeah, I know it sucks, but I am at
work) has mysteriously deleted my abducted folder. And I have not seen any
mail from abducted since. Is this part of a conspiracy?
  -Gary Sommer

I want to know why no one wants to rape my anus.

Have you met Alloni?

Garth!  Don't tip him... Don't say such horrible things about me! Don't
worry, Jason.  I'll head over there, and we'll get all this straigthened
out.

  -Jason 'n Garth 'n Alloni

There are some who seek to lose their virginity.  Poor, pitiful souls,
seeking only for themselves.  No, my quest is grander than that. I seek to
lose _everyone's_ virginity.
  -Alloni

It's times like this I'm glad I opted for the Chicken Attachment to my
Bass-O-Matic.
  -Jason

THE ELDERLY ARE BIG BROTHER!!!!!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Each day, the teletubbies emerge from their subterranean shelters, and use
their brain-implanted tachyon transmitters to send messages back through
time.  They cajole us, they control our children, subtly increasing the
level of world angst until we finally do it, you maniacs, you blew it up,
argh, damn you, damn you all to hell, etc.  From the radioactive ashes of
our civilization shall arise a braver, mentally defective race: the
Teletubbies. It is, indeed, time for Teletubbies. Push the button, Frank.
  -Jonathan Mayer

I think I've missed something here. No one rapes my anus. No one wants to
touch me. Ever. Not even perverts like Alloni. Even though I try so hard.
  -Funky J

I was just reading my response, and thought, "my God, how sad, I REALLY
need a Girlfriend". Then I remembered that I DO have a girlfriend. What
excuse can I use now????
  -Funky J

Are teletubbies baby Morlocks?
  -Gary Sommer

Anyway, I also have corpse news.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

No, I... I... I'm so ashamed. I am a worthless sinner. I know I must
disgust you, Reverend, but I have tried not to stray. After that time I
squirted into the disk-drive... Oh, the horror! Please, Jesus, save me
from internet pr0n!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

And teh Lord said "Let Nathan be fiesty!" And he was. And it was good.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

For the rest of the day... ... Jennifer will be topless.

Well, not quite. Soon after I wake up and shortly before I go to sleep,
however, I will be completely naked. Unless my boobs hurt, in which case
I'll put on a bra for a while. But I do that everyday.

We had a deal, Jen. Now strip down to your skivvies, or... you'll...
never... see... the... chupacabra... again.

  -Nathan 'n Jennifer 'n Nathan

Nathan Winant: he's magically sasstastic! Now fortified with the blood of
the damned!
  -Nathan Winant

But if we get nuked, I have dibs on Garth meat.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Oh, OK. Does anyone want Garth's genitals? Bidding begins now. 

Uhmmm, I want them.

  -Jennifer 'n Garth

Why don't you pimp out Garth, the Love Zombie?  That way, you are both
happy.
  -Jason

Also, I have won the Nobel Prize For Literature with my bestselling novel,
Two Tupperware Containers In Heat.  The New Yorker called it "A
bestselling thrillride for all the senses", and Cosmopolitan said "10 days
to thinner thighs!"  I think Matthew Broderick is starring in the movie
version as Ace, the cover, trim and majestic, sailing over the sunset.
Francis Ford Coppola will be the love interest.  Janine Garofalo will have
a cameo as the writer's lover.  Are my intestines showing?
  -Alloni Kramer

There's a large chance that I will never be within 50 feet of there again,
and a small chance that I accidentally left a gas hose open and the whole
place will go up in a fireball before the weekend.
  -Alloni Kramer

Opium, Nathan, and me shooting tequila. What could be better?
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Before I die, I will help change the world. 

Make sure to powder it's little bum so it doesn't get a rash.

  -Nathan 'n Garth

Sooooo.... ... we're trying to quit smoking again. Woo hoo. ... I'll kill
you all.
  -Nathan Winant  (heh.  heheh.  HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!)

Don't you understand yet?  There are no UFOs, the aliens are among us.  
The aliens eat our babies and take our forms. The world is over, the end
is here. Oh my Oh my, where did I leave the shotgun?
  -DerekFelix

Aliens impact on me in a very fundamental way. After the nineteenth Texan
inssurection, in which the forces of the Felix army staved off the Alien
advance parties once more (hurrah!), there was a great celebration. The
people re-emerged from their slumber and promptly blew up several
embassies and declared war on that cesspit of alien activity - Serbia.
  -DerekFelix

A man disappeared. His car was left at the side of the road. He and his
briefcase were missing from the car and after a while his wife filed a
missing persons report. After a few days he showed up in Bunkie, LA.
(about an hours drive if I remember correctly). He told the police (and
his wife) that he had been abducted by Mexicans and left in Bunkie. I
think that he meant to say that he was abducted by aliens, but he didn't
quite understand that when people say that, they aren't talking about
*illegal* aliens; they're talking about *space* aliens.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

The list called me and drew me in.
  -Elizabeth Leal

Why the alien-fever?

Bad inoculation on that last trip to Betelgeuse.

  -Vicky 'n Garth

it is hard to believe that extra-terrestrial life doesn't exist. Maybe I'm
one. Or maybe Garth is one.

Actually I'm two.

The *real* reason your liver is so tender!

  -Jennifer 'n Garth 'n Jennifer

Alien-fever?  Look, I don't know what kind of guy you think I am, but I
always wore protection when the alien and I....  I don't have Alien-Fever.
Ok, I got some Alien-Fever back in 1970... (I shouldn't have had sex with
that dead alien at Roswell.)
  -Jason

No, no, no, I don't respect my elders. I fear them.  I fear their awesome
power.
  -Alloni Kramer

So wait. Now all of a sudden the canadians are interested in aliens. All
these years we've been crying to our northern brothers, trying to warn
them, begging for help. And what were we greeted with? Decades of silence.
And NOW, suddenly, just as Project Orion's Belt prepares to come to
fruition, the canadians want to "do an article" on the "alien and ufo"
"subculture". Well, I'm not buying it! You bastards had your chance, and
you chose to ally with the invaders. Mark my words: we SHALL triumph, and
when we do, your people will be forever remembered and reviled as the
traitors you are! VIVA LA REVOLUCION DE LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!
  -Nathan Winant

Hey! I'm a Chipper! I resent you co-opting my squirrel-shredding
culture!!!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

I think the Matrix is running out of unique faces.
  -Chris Wayne

So do you really think this planet was originally populated by the cast of
Battlestar Gallactica? STARBUCK!!! NOOOOOOO!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Thanks you for your... *ahem*... LOVELY research.  I'm sure to remember
you when I become ruler of the universe and smite everyone I don't like...
  -Vicki So

My plan is to retire by 35 and be a doctor as a hobby =).

So you can have patients out in the garage that you never really finish
working on.

  -Khanh 'n Garth

Hey, it's not MY fault that your name is big amongst sexual deviants,
feel-good fundamentalists, and pre-adolescent robot girls. Hell, that's
arguably a point in your favor.  =)
  -Nathan Winant

Please, people. Keep my penis out of this discussion. It never did
anything to you.
  -Nathan Winant

Yes, that would be like kHeE with a dip in the voice back to the throat
and back up again accompanied by much ass-bent bowing behavior.  Silly
chinks.

Quiet, you. Back to the railroad!

  -Khanh 'n Nathan

Sure, you got any opium?

Sure. You can't have any, though.  muahahahHaHaHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!  
AT LAST, REVENGE IS MINE, AND IT IS SWEET INDEED!

  -Khanh 'n Alloni

I'm guessing ichor.
  -Dr. E. Von Obnox

I prefer to make barely-audible squishing sounds.
  -Dr. E. Von Obnox
 
Hehe, I just had a thought about me pretending to be Amy... Not that I am
Amy, I mean...  I'm not.  Jennifer, I'm not Amy.  I mean, I was going to
pretend to be her just to keep the thread going, but that was just an
idea... Not that, umm, I mean... I'm not Amy.
  -Jason

Curses! If only I'd stuck _with_ the scantron cheats and dry ice launchers
when I was in school!!!
  -Nathan Winant

"Perhaps our only... weapon in the war to... save... our... humanity from
the... machines of microsoft... is... that very... humanity itself."
  -Nathan Winant

...Abortion kills people. The other day I saw a child (10 at the oldest)
standing by himself on a street corner holding a sign that read "Abortion
Kills Children".  Maybe if you care so much about your children you won't
leave them unattended on street corners. Them Xians is silly.
  -Chris Wayne

Look at me! Je suis so very goth! Just look at my tanlines!  Alas, poor
Yorika. I knew her Horatiotina. And now she's just a fake plastic skull.  
Le something.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

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you know. This offer good until the next millenium.
  -Baabaa

Actually, Garth and I saw Ravenous. I laughed hysterically. Garth
masturbated hysterically. A good time was had by all.

Especially that lady who sat in front of us. Hope she liked her popcorn.

  -Nathan 'n Garth

Well you're a....uh....a cheese butt!
  -Khanh Nguyen

I'm not a deviant. I'm an aberration.
  -Chris Wayne

All Hallow Even (All Saints' Eve) is upon us. I'm going as the emperor
from "The Emperors New Clothes"
  -Jason