|
|
|
Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
|
huh? how did i get here? There's a bunch of hot, naked women around me.
damnit, i'm in _nympho-world_ again...
-Kevin
i am the very model of a modern major urban hipster. eep!
-Nathan Winant
And I get sentenced to the torments of damnation. Woo hoo.
-Alloni Kramer
Debussy got a keg o smite with the tap aimed at you. Nah.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
um, unit vectors? Starving Middle Eastern midget giraffe children? Mutant
cows of Poland? Christmas in July? Doesn't anybody have a medical question
or *something*?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
At this rate I will have been completely out-evolved before my 30th
birthday.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Let's pretend, just for the sake of arguement, that I'm suffering from
occasional pains in my lower back, that every now and again shoot pains up
to my head. Let's pretend that my left hand is swollen and throbbing
gently. Let's pretend that in addition to this, my eyes are bloodshot, I
have trouble getting to sleep at night, and that I'm starting to develop
telepathic prowess. What, oh A.M.E., what is your perscription?
-Alloni Kramer
In defiant counterpoint to my previous mode of operation, I am going to
completely ignore my subject line, meander aimlessly, mock the rules of
speech and logic, and generally make no sense whatsoever. That's the sort
of groundbreaking individual I am, never content with the past, always
looking into the future.
-Alloni Kramer
Yes, Nick, Alloni has plans this weekend. I interviewed him a moment ago,
and he had this to say. So, really, to me, the interview has just passed,
but to you viewers at home, it is still to come, making this a portal. A
portal into the past. And,
since this is all writing on a screen anyway (look! blur your vision, and
you'll see fuzzy markings that make no sense at all! as opposed to the
sharp, clear markings that make no sense at all, anyhow.), it really is a
portal into a past... that never was. Clarke was right. This is magic.
Swallow your souls! Swallow your souls!
-Alloni Kramer
On the other hand, such things happen only when I least expect them. As
such, all I have to do to keep on having an enjoyable life is to
constantly live a life of fear, paranoia, and misery, unable to enjoy the
bountiful gifts the universe has provided with, and steadily becoming more
and more bitter and sullen, until I finally throw myself off a building
that has just been built in my honor, as my legions of friends and
followers look on, uncomprehendingly, and have a long article written in
the paper about me the next day in which huge numbers of people marvel at
why I should have done such a thing when everything was going so well for
me! It's just that easy!
-Alloni Kramer
Cocaine gives people powerful and uncontrollable psychic prowess? Sign me
up!
-Alloni Kramer
Alright, let's say hypothetically that, uhm, somebody has a dog. A
schnauser. Well, they don't actually _have_ it, but they know of one at
the local humane society, and the people there have somehow fallen under
the impression that this individual is, oh, say, a catholic clergyman and
wants to adopt the dog for a children's orphanage. Now let's say, just for
sake of argument, that they're not _exactly_ in the clergy -- let's even
say that not so long ago they might have had a little incident involving a
pastor, a cat, and a tub a chipotle mayonnaise that they narrowly avoided
criminal prosecution for. Regardless, they actually do want to adopt the
schnauser for the orphanage. But, for sake of argument, they just happened
to forget to mention that they plan to take the dog, dye it pink and dress
it up in a little leisure suit, and teach it to smoke three packs at a
time of Camel unfiltereds, and are planning to use this to entertain the
kids at the orphanage. Only, let's say that's it not actually an
orphanage, per se, but actually, oh, the respiratory ailment wing of a
children's hospital or something. And just for the purposes of this
exercise, let's say that, oh, this individual is actually being paid a
significant sum of money to do all of this by some major southern
corporation.
-Nathan Winant
I think street urchins are delicious but its an acquired taste.
Really? What do they taste like?
Gruel.
-Garth 'n Alloni 'n Garth
Come on. Do you really think they'd name it "super secret don't look here,
you won't find nothing really!"
-grey
I keep all my important information on a hacked microsoft.com server.
-Chris Layne
I keep all my important information on little bits of paper. This one here
says "must not kill"...
-Felix
It is in these things that the truth is hidden. Without them, the truth
could not be found. So sayeth the lesson; now shut up and give me some
cookies.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
How's that song go? "..I did it all for the cookie, come on, the
cookie.."
-Kevin
If delerium breeds creativity, I must be a fucking Da Vinci by now.
-Kevin
I like it. If this doesn't get you a job.... well, I gues you would be
without a job.
-MadHat
If at first you don't succeed, blow shit up until you do.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Deoderant? It makes me happy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am Flutar! Protector of Wind Instruments! Hear me whistle!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jennifer is a busy girl... and she email's abducted a lot too. No, I'm
not implying anything about Jennifer's high-class hooking skills.
-Jason
Jennifer is the only woman that can fill my "hit me in the head with a
shovel while I stand naked in a bucket of water, singing show tunes in C
minor" fetish. Thank you, Jennifer.
-Jason
You win the prestigious Jennifer's Bra of the Week award!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am Buzz! Protector of the Brass Instruments! My lips are numb!
-Kevin
Bah. It's not demonic. It's just a sewage troll. These dumbasses thought
they could get out of paying the toll. Serves them right.
-Chris Wayne
This would look absolutely stunning on you, abducted.
-Chris Layne
I *own* you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Leonardo _Wilhelm_ DiCaprio?? Blond hair, blue eyes, German middle name.
It's all so clear to me now.
-Chris Wayne
bah. I used to buy souls for less than $20. In fact, I own two that only
cost me a buck. Contracts signed in blood, with collection dates clearly
stated, also including a clause pertaining to the forfeiture of worldly
goods at time of demise. It's amazing what people will do for a dollar.
-Chris Wayne
Spring must work differently when it starts in September.
-Chris Wayne
bah. My job requires me to be supportive, but I'm still an angry, bitter
little man shaking my fist at an uncaring world. That doesn't mean I'm not
capable of doing my job with feigned kindness and compassion.
-Chris Wayne
I got 18, yup, count 'em, EIGHTEEN X-rays taken at the dentist today. If I
will ever develop mutant super-powers, today is the day.
-Chris Wayne
About 20 miles away, the York Fair starts soon. According to the ads, it's
world-famous, so y'all probably know all about it. If not, it's basically
just your average county fair. Anyway, the other day I saw a billboard
advertising its imminence. The billboard featured a large cartoon sheep.
Which is pretty amusing to us locals, since someone got caught having sex
with a sheep at the fair a few years ago. And after being mentioned on the
news and having headlines in the paper, apparently he just couldn't handle
the notoriety of being the guy who fucked a sheep at the world-famous York
Fair, so he killed himself, since obviously he would be known as The Sheep
Fucker anywhere he went, what with the fair being world-famous and all.
-Chris Wayne
I keep all my important information in a cardboard box under my bed
labeled "Earwax June 1976-October 1989".
-Chris Wayne
It's probably better than you coming to Louisiana and beating me with a
frozen codpiece.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
recently, we've had some visitors from our international offices. Today, I
was introduced to Chi, from Japan. I introduced myself, she introduced
herself, she looked down at my Pikachu shirt, and immediately asked, "Was
_is_ it with Pokemon over here?"
-Nathan Winant
Wow! Your IQ must be high enough to keep your body functioning! That's
pretty impressive!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's great to be different. Just as long as your difference is channeled
into socially acceptable directions, we applaud your differences.
-Alloni Kramer
After all, the social ladder 'round here is one built on iq scores.
I first read that as "icq scores". God help me.....
-Alloni 'n Nathan
andre was jst setting up windoze2000... and in the setup dialouge for
networking, it asked for a machine name... and it prompted him with a
suggested ddefault which was: FNORD-1X029384 (not the exAct string of
numbers but i think you get the idea)...
-grey
Wow! It's MUCH easier to crash a development server than I thought!
-Nathan Winant
You have to be harsh to be offensive, and I told my boss the world has too
many of him already the other day. It was a simple jest! He had no right
to lock me in a closet without food or water for weeks on end, opening it
only to laugh maniacally, threaten my family, and rant about his plans for
world domination. I wasn't really listening, so I didn't get the secret
against which he is defenseless, so I and the world are both doomed, but
I'm still hungry.
-Alloni Kramer
I thinki Nathan lives in teh land of NT, which only requires you to
probably *looK* at it wrong, not actually do anything...
-grey
Lock your doors. Hide your cat butts. They are here and the goats will
suffer. Huzzah!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
excellent, I'm getting more schitzo by the day.
-DerekFelix
"a wickedly mischievous talking computer named HAL"? Interesting
phrasing. "Gosh, that wacky HAL, up to his hijinks again. Just killed
almost all the crew. But you gotta love him."
-Alloni Kramer
The Internet is Elvis Presley.
-DerekFelix
Remember: just because I don't have time for you doesn't mean I don't
still love you.
-Jonathan Mayer
my brain is too loud. I can't sleep over its noise.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Me: I'm pinging your box.
Kevin: What?
Me: I'm pinging your box, I want to know when your up. (Up to this point I
was serious, no puns or jokes. Then my perverted mind took over.)
Me: Yeah, I'm pinging your box... hard and with a large packet size. (And
a good laugh was had by all)
-Jason
Hey Garth, are you a real person or a telnet program? You were cracked
and posted on Usenet.
-Jason
Are you saying that a telnet program can't be a real person? You virtual
bigot.
-Garth
Hey, you lay off Alloni. He's my favorite dwarf.
-Garth
Man, the universe has seriously become fucked up. And I like it!
-Funky J
Green Eggs and Ham is a fucking highlarious erotica poem. Ahem.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
What's Fonzie like?!
Tart with just a pinch of cinnamon. Best when served right out of the
oven.
-Kevin 'n Jennifer
The Apple
I hear fruit talking,
that apple told me to kill,
the apple is wise.
-Jason
The power went out in the beer tent last night. One survivor claimed that
the 12,000+ crowd started groping immediately after the lights went out
and she liked it. I liked my velvet tie (Do you want to touch it?) and
lederhosen are always comfortable. I was shown spinal scars by a stranger
and got to do the chickendance. Overall a great evening.
-Baabaa
See, this is why I make up reality as I go. It's much more fun that way.
That this email for example.. it doesn't exist, you are not reading it,
and I never sent it.
-Jason
And everyone knows that Red Dwarf is propaganda released on Europe by
Swedish goat herders. People of Europe, hear me now... Don't let Sweden
tell you want to wear, run through the streets naked in protest!
-Jason
I plugged my shaver into it this morning. It turned bright green and
started singing "You are my sunshine".
-Alloni Kramer
Anyway, it was probably a bad translation from the japanese, it was
originally Finial Fantasy, a game about finding little things that go on
top of lampshades.
-grey
"This lightsaber is real and can cut stuff. Keep your arms and legs away
from the lightsbaer at all times. For external use only: if swallowed,
consult a local doctor. The lightsaber is highly radioactive and will
render you impotent as soon as you order it from the website. The Super
Fun Lightsaber Company is not liable for any stuff you cut up. Cutting
stuff is prohibited."
-Jason
Do not taunt Super Happy Lightsaber.
-Nathan Winant
Our legal system has become a lottery for the stupid.
-Gary Sommer
Why is it that when I asked my cow-orker not to throw away my foil ball as
I am attempting to build the world's largest ball of tinfoil made from
hershey's kisses wrappers, she looked at me with a funny expression on her
face?
-Alloni Kramer
No, no, no, you're not supposed to be helpful. What mailing list do you
think you're on, mister? This isn't ReallyNiceFolks, or
SweetnessAndLight, or TheBiggerTheKindnessTheBrighterTheHalo
@hyperreal.org. This here is Abducted@hyperreal.org, and don't you forget
it!
-Alloni Kramer
I can't tell you how many times this happens to me... job interviews,
first dates, jury duty, PTA meetings... "Jason, where the hell are your
pants?" Over and over.. where are your pants, where are your pants..
Why is wearing pants that important? What's the big deal?, I had
underwear on most of the time.. You would think that seeing a naked,
overweight man running around would excite at least some people, but I
haven't found one person yet. Year after year, city after city... not one
person.
-Jason
Well spank my chitlins and call me Grisham.
-Alloni Kramer
... So why don't we discuss josh control instead?
-Nathan Winant
Because my spleen is warbling.
-Garth
Yes, these blank lines are even better than anything that could have
filled them - even alien glow head lollpops.
-grey
In other news, my boss loves me. Recently got a big honkin' raise. The CEO
loves me -- people have started to comment on how I "have promise". I'm
sure it's only a matter of months before I receive my Ancient Secret
Mystic Society Of Computer Industry Business Leaders membership packet.
-Nathan Winant
I... should write a misspellchecker. It'll go through and twist things
around. It could be done quite easily. Variations have been done before.
Will have to ponder this.
-Alloni Kramer
I have a weresnatch.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
|