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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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That could be a problem. Unless you have no conscience at all, in which
case, any damage you do is meaningless.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Love does not pay my credit card bill. Oh. Wait. Nevermind.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Of course, I don't get paid scale. Would get messy. And I'd have to
spill fish guts, as opposed to spilling my guts, something I do on a
regular basis. In a nonpermanent sorta way, of course. I am not an
android. I am a number.
-Alloni Kramer
Things all over my room are staring at me. I think they're harmless. I
can't be sure of this. I'm reasoning from experience. None of them has
yet killed me in my sleep, that I know of. You can never be sure about
these things.
-Alloni Kramer
Language is misusing my. It's being repetitive. I try and force it to
give me decent synonyms, and I get given them, but when I'm not thinking,
the same words appear again and again and again and again. I think it's
being lazy. Doesn't have to work, digging up long forgotten words and
phrases for me to spice up my speech with. Can sit back. Sipping
something alcoholic. A martini. Or something else. Or not. I may have
to hunt it down and kill its family. Don't worry, I won't be crual. A
simple slice across the throat for each of them, and it'll be done. Then
language will obey me. Out of fear, true, but I can accept this. Nursing
thoughts of revenge. And one of these days, it'll provide the wrong word
at a critical juncture, and when I intended to say, "Pleasure to meet you,
your Highness," it'll make me say, "Pleasure to meet you, You Stupid
Inbred Insignificant Worm. Why Don't You Kiss My Lily-White Ass, You
Perverted Piece Of Shit." And that'll cause me a bit of trouble.
-Alloni Kramer
My moms smart enough not to piss in her boot.
-Garth
Do your socks match? Last time I was hacking on a script that didn't
work, I took off my mismatching socks and it script starting working. I
put the mismatching socks back on and Windows blue screened. I got
completely naked, not only did my system reboot itself, Ed McMahon told me
I could already be a winner.
-Jason
my boyfriend has just confessed to me that he wants to have sex with
aliens. not only this, but it would sexually gratify him for me to, for
instance, sheath a table in tinfoil and anally probe him. i am so scared.
he then said, "you could put little antennas on... you'd look cute with
antennas! and you're pretty much like an alien besides that already..."
does this ever happen to anyone else? anyone?
-grey
The lady who interviewed me today said that I have a very pleasant
disposition. Clearly, I am doing something wrong.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'll kill you all! I'll kill every fucking one of you cocksuckers! I'll
rip out your intestines and shove them down your throat! I'll saute your
liver and giblets in a nice white wine sauce and eat them! I'll wrap your
spleen around your neck as a necktie, and use your heart for...
something... nasty. Of some kind. Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
I've only taken crack twice today.
-Alloni Kramer
No, Nathan. Don't fight it. You know the internet wouldn't lie to you. We
are destined to be a couple. All you need to do now is to make a bunch of
money so you can support me.
-Garth
So I was watching Conan O'Brien the other night, with my perceptions only
slightly skewed, and I noticed something, something I hadn't noticed
before: He does that show completely coked out of his mind. My big
revelation for the week.
-Nathan Winant
I never had rubber cement, but I ate the elmers glue...
-MadHat
I fondle it. There's nothing quite as nice as fondling sticky stuff.
Except maybe fondling fuzzy stuff. And squeezing squishy stuff. Squishy is
lovvvvvvvve.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hello! My name is Jonathan Mayer. This is my first post to abducted. Two
nights ago I was abducted by scary aliens in purple thongs with paper bags
on their heads. They did bad things to me. I don't remember stuff so
good anymore. Has anybody else out there on the Inter Net had a similar
experience? And: how do I turn my underwear back rightside out again?
-Jonathan Mayer
'Nathan, my boy! You work hard. This week, we've decided that you should
have a Pepsi. Here!' '*pant pant pant* Gee, thanks boss!' www.the-man.org
indeed.
-Jonathan Mayer
What kind of bad things? You can tell us. We know the horror of abduction
and we understand what you have gone through. We are here to support you
in your troubled time. Not only will we listen openly to your story and
take you into our hearts, but we will also call you a Lucking Foon.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No no no, you just don't understand. It was a Pepsi Of The Ancient Mystic
Order Of The Brotherhood Of Noble Oppressors. It's like a secret
handshake, or an enlightened ass-slap, or the like.
-Nathan Winant
be there. or be oblong.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Necropheliac sheep bondage? Wow. That's a doozy. If you put icing between
two of them its a double doozy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That was you? I'm sorry about that, seeing me in purple thong... Most of
the time I don't wear anything and just paint my genitals purple. Next
time I'll be sure to use the paint, and just for you... no-one else...
I'll add glitter. jas.. err Scary Alien In A Purple Thong With A Paper Bag
On My Head #3. (The one on the right.)
-Jason
powered by Nicotine(tm) and Caffeine(r)! feelin' good.....
-Nathan Winant
how do i say "no" so that everyone that hears me feels my pain?
-ghostxxx
It is dangerous to mock me while I am cranky. Which I am. Because I can't
figure out where I'm a fucking MORON. Ahem. Excuse me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My kind of gods. Car gods that move between the insides of my teeth.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
( I almost encouraged this thread to
continue...)
-Jason
Bored? Need busy work? Why didn't you ask earlier? Find a picture of a
Russian Dentist riding an Emu like a Cowboy rides a horse. (Russian
Dentist must be in a dress. Formal or casual, doesn't matter.) Your task
has been assigned, GO!
-Jason
Indeed I am, my numbed minions are loyal to me. I, and I only, hold the
key to their ignorance-filled bliss. All hail... Ooo, Baywatch is on...
pretty people running.....
-Jason
It is a damned shame that stupidity isn't painful.
-Gary Sommer
Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not the kind of person who revels in the
misfortunes of others -- well, random strangers, maybe. And alloni. And
Garth. And Jen and bean. And pretty much everyone else on abducted. And
all my other friends. And more or less most of my family. And cute furry
animals. BUT ON THE WHOLE, I'm not the kind of person who revels in the
misfortunes of others.
-Nathan Winant
it's all about cd whoring. well, kinda.
-grey
you know, i've determined 3/4 of the world's female population is in fact
named jen. so if you meet a female and can't guess her name, jen is a
pretty likely substitute.
-grey
Nathan is Dirk Diggler.
-Chris Wayne
You can't be a superhero, we took a vote and it was 6,392,490 For and
6,392,491 Against. We also secured a court order... Please cease and
desist all superhero and superhero-like activities or we will drop you
from 37 stories into a 800 gallon vat of Jello. (Flavor is your choice.)
-Jason
Assuming that God exists ... therefore I must act like God exists.
Beautifully entertaining in that piss me off sort of way.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Walmart is evil. Fear walmart.
-Nathan Winant
Nick nack paddy whack. I gave your dog a boner baby.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Got it... You Ziploc some rain and Fedex it to me, I'll grill some chicken
and pop the baggy on my head.. It'll be like I'm right there with you.
-Jason
The Riviera is hot and the world ends tomorrow.
-Baabaa
AH yeah! Don't mess wit' da Kierk-dawg, boy-EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
Since it looks like it's just you and me, maybe we should amuse
ourselves... Hmmm.... What number am I thinking of? (I'll give you a
hint, it's between 6.5 and 23,402,459,901,392,751,958,239,120.00000002)
-Jason
You can be my bitch for a weekend, Garth -- it'll be fun. =)
-Nathan Winant
I can be bought.
-Garth
I *AM* going to get a t-shirt made up that says "Girls, if you want a
friend, get a dog. Fuck me." and I'm going to try to be more arrogant.
-Funky J
you know, i read this to andre, and he looked at me for a minute, and then
said this: "do they fuck their dogs?" i worry.
-grey
quit your whining. you have vicarious sex with your automobile. ;-) what
more deo you need?
-grey
Its ok to play with your hookers if you as long as you still eat them
afterwards. Its wrong to waste. Just think of all the horny people over in
china.
-Garth
See what your birthday started Garth? It's all your fault. Here we are,
having a pleasant conversation about hookers, and you made me start a
world war...
-Jason
How did war create hookers?
Carefully. Especially hermaphrodite hookers.
-Jason 'n Jennifer
If this was really a test, I'd be hearing an annoying tone. Where's the
tone? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE TONE?!@? Give it back now!
-Kevin
The Silurians are a highly evolved race of intelligent rubber amphibians.
In this episode, they attack. They have not developed tools, music,
fashion, or mastered the subtleties of grammar. On top of their heads sit
translucent rubber ears, and a glass marble on their foreheads. When they
want to push/manipulate/kill something, they twitch and vibrate and make
'beep beep' noises. The glass marble flashes on and off, and all the
humans in the area flop on the floor and dance the funky chicken.
-Jonathan Mayer
It is a bad idea to have a calculator shaped exactly like a diskette. It
leads to thoughts and curiosity.
-Alloni Kramer
You underestimate the ruthless appeal of stupidity. There's a
not-particularly-fine line where "I know enough about computers to be
dangerous" and "I have the brains of trout" cross.
-Alloni Kramer
yay for earthquakes!
-grey
so, yes, I'm trying to get a better job. Why? Cause I want a Fashion Hair
Queen Amidala, my true motivation in life.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So... this leads to a deeper question: when will we finally turn this
fucking world into a technocratic meritocracy?
-Nathan Winant
Would any good looking girls like to be my Siren? Thanks. And umm, would
the answer to that question be the same the same as, hmm, damn.
-Chris Layne
Wouldn't that be kind of cool, in a conversation, argument, etc, to tell
someone: "At the next sentence, go ahead and flip a paradigm."
-Chris Layne
"Just to make it fair, I will give you *my* power! The power of the Tarot
is *yours*!"
-Late night TV
I am glad to report that my ass is year 2000 compliant.
-Jason
Man. I didn't even think of that. Does anybody know where I can get anal
software to fix the y2k bug?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The penis. It sounds like a squirmy didlo, but it's not at all squirmy.
But it is hot pink.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Republican rays. Unless you constantly wear the tinfoil, the Republican
rays will getcha.
-Alloni Kramer
So you're saying that you might be able to hammer a six inch spike thru a
board with your hot pink jelly dildo?
-Garth
Yes, my ass is mirrored here in Fort Worth, in California, and over in the
UK. I expect no issue's in accessing my ass on Jan. 1, 2000, Information
Output should flow uninterrupted. If you experience any abnormal
information flow patterns with my ass, please contact my ass's
administrator.
-Jason
My little gimp army of the damned.
-Nathan Winant
By thinking this software might be illegal you agree to hit yourself in
the head with a hammer.
-Jason
I just like to disagree with everything. And by the way, no you don't.
-Garth
I heard a news report that said a scientific report was published that
said fewer people would die in natural disasters if fewer people lived
where natural disasters occur. I want to be a scientist.
-Garth
No matter what anyone says, the legal system is just a lottery. I just got
offended! I'm going to Disney World!
-Garth
Am I being PC by insisting on a lack of gender limits on stupidity?
-Alloni Kramer
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to dip my hot pink jelly dildo
into liquid nitrogen. My penis neither.
-Alloni Kramer
I am just about to drive a sharpened harpoon through my gut.
-Nathan Winant (nathan suffering = vast comedy)
Maybe a 24 hour webcam would be funny. Yesterday the suggestion was
sweatyboobs.com. I think that the Exes(tm) are going to band together and
try to convince me to set up a 24-hour webcam. Men.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's good to see that you are making yourself feel better by shamelessly
goofing off. Atta boy! Let the goofing commence!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The apes! The apes will destroy us all!!! Don't you see? We take these
apes and we teach them our sign language and our games and our kittens and
our miso soup, and we think it's all fun and games and we're teaching them
to become like cute little pets, but they ARE! They are learning! And
then, when we're done teaching them all our little culture, we decide it
would just be soooo sweet if we release them back out into the wild and so
then they teach them. And those apes teach it to other apes. And other
apes. And other apes. I the same way a human child learns a culture over
one generation, they're learning our culture evolutionarily -- over five
or ten or more generations. And before you know it, the apes are as
sophisticated as we are! And it's not like they're puny little monkeys or
something. Oh no, we couldn't teach _monkeys_ to be us. We had to teach
giant honkin' apes. Sooner or later, they will rightfully want what is
ours, and the wars will commence, horrible, terrible wars! They'll have
learned to be us, and in time, will learn to go beyond. Where once we had
the advantage of increased intelligence, they now will have the advantage
of increased technology. They will have the guns. And our race will slowly
be turned into an army of robotic slaves, and then slowly pushed to
extinction. The apes will destroy us all.
-Nathan Winant
Don't you know that the apes are controlled by the chimps, much in the
same way that the gnomes are controlling us? The apes appear to be
learning from us, but it is only a ploy. The apes don't understand us at
all. But the apes have miniature microphones which the chimps have
cleverly installed in the human tracking devices. (This is why apes always
set off the alarms at the airport.) The Chimps listen to the puny humans
and view the humans through chips implanted in the brains of the apes,
allowing the chimps access to the optical signals of the apes. (This is
why the apes set off the airport alarms even if you run them through the
carry-on x-ray check.) The chimps learn from us and the relay signals to
the apes in their natural ape language, instructing the apes to do
whatever thing the human is trying to get them to do. This allows the
chimps to get more information, as experiments on the apes are likely to
continue. And the Underpantz Chimps... I don't even want to think about
what they do with our underpantz, but let it just suffice to say that the
Underpantz Chimps would really like Japanese vending machines. Don't be
fooled by their ploy, Squeaky; just remember "squick squick squick."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I need better pr0n. My pr0n is getting way old. Can anybody recommend
somewhere where I can download really graphic, weird, transvestite double
penetration pics for free? Those transvestite double penetrations are hard
to come by. Pun acknowledged.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Somebody's been watching a litte too much Koko Gorilla story on PBS.
Take a chill pill and practice your oppressive monkey overlord sign
language.
-Kevin
What better reason for a party than impending doom?
-Nathan Winant
Synchronicity. After I emailed that last night, I turned on the tv. They
were running a bad movie. About a kid. Who steals an ape from a carnival
or a flea market or something. He teaches the ape sign language, and all
the basics of human society. Then he gets caught, and they go to court.
The trial eventually turns towards "is the ape an animal, or does it
actually have basic human intelligence?" They show that it does. I sat
there, horrified, enrapt. In the end, the kid takes the ape and, after a
tearful farewell, releases it back into wild... WHERE IT GOES OFF TO TEACH
ALL THE OTHER APES WHAT IT'S LEARNED!!! This is supposed to be a happy
ending. ... SWEET JESUS, PEOPLE!!!! Don't you see? They'll destroy us!
THEY'LL DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
You treasonous BASTARD! Just because they made a movie about it, doesn't
mean it isn't a horrific tragedy just waiting to happen! Jesus CHRIST,
man, what about all those Jane Austen movies?
-Nathan Winant
I am so about to take some recreational drugs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Luckily, I backed up my computer last night like a good little girl but I
think I need a spanking anyway.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Fine. So NT's not your bag, baby. Try FreeBSD. Can't get more very much
free than that. Plus with ever install, you get a free chicken.
-Kevin
PROOF THAT PENGUINS ARE EVIL-- "Male Gentoo penguins have been observed
trying to copulate with their own dead."-- Bizarre
I'm not sure how this makes them EVIL. Desperate, certainly, but evil?
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
apparently, 'madison' is one of the most popular female names these days.
along with 'taylor' am i alone in saying, "what the FUCK?"
-grey
What if they are not desperate? What if they get all the peng-tang they
want but just like a little necro-nookie on the side?
-Garth
If you wanna buy my warez
Follow me and climb the stairs
Love for sale
Julie London predicted pirated porn DVDs in 1956.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
here Jen, Look at the little monkey. Look at 'im, ain't he cute. Look at
the little monkey... Awwww..... It doesn't work too well unless you can
see what I'm doing...
-Funky J
But the important thing is that I *don't* have a weiner. It's my fault for
being picky. Like, I only keep weiners around if they are attached to a
guy I like. Well, I mean fleshy weiners.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I just saw god. He looked pissed.
-Jonathan Mayer
I applaud your flagrant abuse of the system.
As long as there's a system, it might as well be abused. That's my
philopsophy.
So, what you're saying here is that you have a system in your abuse of the
system, hmm? I must find a good way to abuse this.
-Alloni 'n Jennifer 'n Alloni
Nathan, Nathan, he's The Man!
If he can't drive a sharpened harpoon through his gut, nobody can!
Yay Nathan!
-Chris Wayne
Have you considered that maybe they just don't like you? Or that they are,
in fact, plotting your death AT THIS VERY MOMENT??
-Chris Wayne
Yes, but sex is encouraged until very late in the pregnancy, so have fun!
ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it.
ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it. ouch. quit it.
ewww. what's that stuff?
-Jennifer 'n Chris
You know, in the hour I was being amused by lists of pickup lines, there
was a list of goth pikup lines which included: "You know, I can have sex
until the 8th month..." Later that day, someone told me that line had
been used on them at one point.
-grey
(now, where did i put my lucky horseshoe magnet? here it is, sitting on
top of my hard drive...)
-Kevin
only a 4.8, but i'm just north of the epicenter.
When I originally saw this subject, I'd only heard about the Turkey quake.
And I thought "Wow, that's pretty callous, even for grey."
-grey 'n Chris
Anyone wonder why (the late) Siskel & Ebert looks so much like Bert &
Ernie from Sesame Street?
-Jason
I know you. I know where you live. I know your bowel movement schedule.
-Jason
Must be fun at parties. "I can shred a heart with my fingernails, wanna
dance?"
-Kevin
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, It's a bearded man
holding a Bible!
-Kevin
I went to school with a girl named Chastity Blow. Not a joke. She was
always in trouble and had her named called on the intercom system all the
time. So would that name be a contradiction, or a description?
it sounds like an enemy attack in an xian video game.
-MadHat 'n grey
Now you're claiming she has vast mystical lie-detecting powers. When will
you learn that it's simply an uncanny gift for sensing when people are
lying?
-Alloni Kramer
Its just that she's knows I'm an expert scrummager. You should see my
joist.
-Garth
If I said it, I must have been right. Despite the fact that I don't
remember this discussion or having said anything of the kind, and that I
have a history of blackouts during which I obey the commands of my alien
masters exclusively.
-Alloni Kramer
Alloni's my favorite Goth babe.
I am _everyone's_ favorite goth babe.
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
Watching your brother get seduced by two amazingly attractive females is
far more entertaining when he is forced by his position to try to fight
them off.
-Alloni Kramer
Being a sceptic is a minor disfigurement for which people will offer
appropriate condolences and questions of "how did it happen?"
-Alloni Kramer
Excuse me. I'm smoking crack.
-Nathan Winant
I don't know but it looked kinda familiar. I think there's a pr0n
newsgroup dedicated to you..
-Kevin
I'll sacrifice a rubber chicken to the dark gods of comedy for you. They
are many, mighty, black of heart and dress, and wear big red rubber noses.
-Alloni Kramer
Official Abducted Homoerotic Rant: (Nathan Winant)
Now, nobody's suggesting that Garth doesn't have a massive crush on me.
Nobody's suggesting that he doesn't nod off at night dreaming of being my
little piglet. That's not the issue here.
No, the issue is simply that I cannot return his affections. For in so
doing, I would be forced to unearth and confront my deeply repressed
homoerotic potential, which would undoubtedly swallow me whole in a
flashflood of the very exuberant kitchiness which I wear daily as a
personal affectation. No alloni, the only force more insidiously
oppressive than The Man is The Flamingly Gay BoyToy -- a fate which I
cannot allow myself to subject the world to. Disco and polyester shirts
are all fine and dandy in moderation, but there's a line. Oh, there's a
line, alloni.
And where does it stop? If I come to terms with Garth, it's only a matter
of time before I come to terms with... you. I mean, our relationship isn't
exactly _normal_, now is it? Have you ever stopped to think what really
lies beneath that friendly veneer of amiable, reciprocal hatred and
emotional abuse? Have you ever stopped to think what dark, murky forces
are every day perverted and sublimated into our socially-acceptable
constant condemnations of each other? I haven't. And with grEy as my
witness, I never shall, lest my fragile psyche be torne asunder by a
gibbering, insatiable Madness.
It would be like some sad, dark little alternate ending to _Chasing Amy_,
but without all the colorful comic book references. It's a door to a mardi
gras of pain. A door... that was never meant to be opened.
Official Abducted Counseling Moment: (Alloni Kramer)
It's too difficult to put time and effort into abusing you. While it used
to be big fun, it just isn't as good as it once was. I don't get enough
emotional return for the effort.
I think we're growing together as people.
Really, it isn't anybody's fault, though that shouldn't stop us trying to
point the finger of blame at eachother. It was just working out, that's
all. Now, we can either accept it, or take steps to prevent it. I don't
know about you, but I don't think this relationship is worth saving, and
we should try our best to make sure that we're not only happy apart, but
that the thrill is put back into the abuse. I don't claim to be an
expert, but I think we should just start by loving each other a little
less, and showing our mutual disdain a little more. Dead flowers is
cliche, but it's a cliche because it works. Poinsoned chocolates.
Plastique. Little gifts that go so far in saying, "I despise you".
We can do this.
Or, more precisely, I can do this. I don't want to be part of a "we" with
you.
See how easy that was?
Official Abducted Fatherly Advice: (MadHat)
My father actually passed on a bit of wisdom
I nvere learned anything from him before...
I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.
I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of
suspicion to destroy it.
I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more fucked up than you think.
I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I
want.
I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You
may need to borrow money.
I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered
medication.
I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.
I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
down will be the ones who do so.
I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed
out and naked in your bed.
I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of
course, you win the lottery.
I've learned- that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.
I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is
still expensive.
I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their
dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare
notes.
I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they
will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned- to say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Official Abducted Generic Alloni Post: (Alloni Kramer)
Normal rational comment about how abnormal and irrational I am here.
Amusing variation on earlier comment. Realization of predictability.
Acceptance of this fact. Failed attempt to be amusingly unpredictable.
Complaints about whatever is most annoying me today. Further complaints.
Realization that am complaining. Sidetrack complaints into another
failed, but occasionally amusing, attempt to be unpredictable.
Realization that haven't done quotes in ages! Profuse apologies.
Self-mocking commentary. Promise to get quotes done soon which everyone
knows is a lie.
Further amusing unpredictabilities.
Sidenote about whatever have gotten wrapped up in recently. Sidenotes
about sidenotes.
Abrupt ending.
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