|
|
|
Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
|
I keep saying to myself, this only a satire; this is only a satire! I mean
with articles like "Born Again Nazi To Administer Church Labor Camp: A joy
to have WW2 German veterans arriving with the expertise and know how on
camp operation" this has got to be some kinda satire. Right?
-Gary Sommer
I have three words for you jm. (not including the introduction to them, of
course. You never know with you people.) And these words are: smite smite
smite.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am being happy at you. In a revenging sorta way.
-Alloni Kramer
A friend of mine got drunk and ran with scissors at a party last
halloween. Then a door closed as he was about to go through it. Whump. We
mock him about it even unto this day.
-Mark Doner
Woman. Why do you not understand your place in the universe? It is quite
simple. God (a male) created man in his own image. Then He created woman
to be man's servant and inferior. Someone for man to order around when he
was bored. To facilitate this, woman was created as softer and less
intelligent than man. Now go back to the kitchen where you belong.
-Alloni Kramer (asking for trouble)
I'll have mine with nun sauce, please.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In a sudden change of tone, Alloni swaps points of view. You ignorant
chauvenist pig! How dare you oppress me with your kitchens and your
blowjobs and your chivalry! Gloria Steinem proved that _men_ are
obviously the inferior life form. After all, it is possible for women to
reproduce without men, and impossible for men to reproduce without women.
The Goddess (obviously a female, as the progenitress of the universe)
quite clearly created man first to make the place ready for Woman to make
her triumphant denouement. The fact that the male-dominated world has
viciously oppressed the superior sex for as long as it has is a hideous
perversion of the natural way, and it is a perversion that will be
punished harshly when women are back where they belong. I am Woman, hear
me roar! (You may notice I'm being a tad more shrill on the woman's side.
I figure the male chauvenist pig has a certain smugness and complacency on
his side, while the female chauvenist pig has to compensate by being
louder.)
-Alloni Kramer
Unless, of course, I'm being a mcp, in which case I'll start talking
condescendingly and obviously undressing you with my eyes. On long stalks.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm glad you said that. Cause I'm gonna use it against you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
This lesbian chick (I'm making the assumption that she was a lebian
because of the rainbow sticker and the "A woman without a man is like a
fish without a bicycle" sticker) that I drove by in a traffic backup had a
sticker that said "Elder Gods? Great Old Ones? That's a bunch of
malarkey! Hastur! Hastur! Hastur! See, nothing hap-". I was terribly
amused.
-Josh Smith
Shut up. It's your country I'm defending here.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
<CheekPinchingMode>Who's our little whore? Who's our little whore? Yes you
are. Yes you are.</CheekPinchingMode>
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
1)"Unfortunately, what grabbed my attention the most was the horrible
stench of a dead goose at the foot of Mother Needam's feet among Lady
Hacabout's belongings."
2)"Of course, Isabella, being the scandal bearer of all news said she had
spoken with Sherrif Gonson, who was about to make an arrest of Lady
Hacabout [her nextdoor neighbor] for prostitution."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin's classmate's English paper
A whole slew of comments come to mind concerning pistol grip ears, fold
back teeth, etc. Not that I would ever say such things.
-Garth
La la la... Nope, can't hear you. La la la...
-Garth
If I said you had a beautiful body... Would you press charges?
-Garth
I want you Kramer. My room, thirty minutes. Wear something... slutty.
-Garth
I've never said you were stubborn. Crazy and delusional were what I said.
-Garth
I'm thinking of going by my full name from now on.
I am no longer "Nathan".
I am no longer "Nathan Winant".
No, in the interest of becoming a future presidential assassin, I shall
now be known as "Nathan Thomas Winant". John-John and I thank you for your
support.
-Nathan Thomas Winant
... am I the only one who finds the relentless propagation of the phrase
"think outside the box" rather ironic?
-Nathan Winant
Change it to Nathan Wayne Winant. Sign all your threats N.W.W. and tell
them you are the New World Wombat. Make money in your spare time. Eating
more but enjoying it less? Try Shrill Petrol and put a spider monkey in
your tank. Or all terrain vehicle or aircraft carrier or chinese junk. Do
your worst MacReady. You'll never take me alive. Unless your serious about
all those guns. How many do you have again?
-Garth
I was actually starting to think Nathan Lee Winant, but Wayne's got
something to it, too. Nathan Wayne Winant. Makes me sound like a
disgruntled southern crackpot. I like it.
-Nathan Something Winant
Yes, please. Think of the children! Think of the starving children in
Africa! I'm a child. I'm only fifteen, and I'm from Canada - there's
nothing here but trees. And snow, there's lots of snow. There's snow as
far as I can see from the door of my igloo. A bear is gnawing at one of my
legs, and a penguin is attempting to peck out my eyes. Sure, sure.
"Penguins only live in the Antarctic." Fiction. Lies. Lies!
-Terri C. Sheep
How about "The Ra Bottle 2000, worship Ra or die infidel scum!"
-Garth
Like anybody *cares* is New Hampshire is in shambles. It could be in
shambles right now and it wouldn't be news worthy. You know why? Because
it's New Hampshire.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh my god. You're from Canada? I'm gonna have to put you on my ICQ ignore
list. Ewwwww. I feel dirty.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Once she decided to piss off her boyfreind so she had me take nude
pictures of her to make him a calendar out of. Some really nice pix, but
definitely soft core. We got them developed at the mall. Everyone working
the store was female. So anyway, she made a calendar. And he broke up with
her. Some men are so easy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Again with the guns.
-Chris Wayne
My brother-in-law is going to be in Austin for the next few weeks. Can you
give him one for me? You don't mind making yourself known to an agent of
the NSA, do you? I swear that he probably might not try to kill you.
-Chris Wayne
You know, I was just thinking. Muslims don't eat pork either. And Hitler
was a vegetarian. hmm.
-Chris Wayne
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
Not listening
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
-Chris Wayne
Only until I perfect my artificial uterus. So far I have is a Hefty bag
full of mucus, but I'm expecting to make a breakthrough any time now.
-Chris Wayne
I'm Cancer.
I'm Tuberculosis. Pleased to meet you.
-Josh 'n Chris
Don't make Chris Wayne, Terri C. Sheep, and me come down there!
-Josh Smith
Is it just me, or does the idea of making a breakthrough into a Hefty bag
full of mucus seem to be a bad thing?
-Alloni Kramer
How odd. My step-parents discovered me in a hefty bag lined with mucus.
... daddy?
-Jonathan Mayer
Burnt him alive, no less. He lay there, unconscious, slowly crisping in
his skin, and it was all because of you. If that isn't a good reason to
wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and beam proudly,
I don't know what is.
-Alloni Kramer
why are you monkeys being so quiet? Is the monkey house still there, or
has the USA been wiped out by an angry group of Monkey like aliens that
are offended at our use of the term "monkey" as an insult as in "you look
like a monkey's arse", and not taking the actual animals seriously, as in
our usage of the term "stop monkeying around!". Are they going to come to
Australia, or are we too much of a monkey-arsed backwater that they'll
avoid us???
-Funky J (everyone wants to monkey up the results)
Temptation lurks around every corner.
-Nathan Winant
It's just not right. I mean, listen to the word. "Monkey". Comprised of
"mon", meaning "my", in french, and "key", meaning vomit, in hebrew. My
vomit. Such a beautiful image to send out through the Wilds of The
Minder. It should be used as an expletive. "Monkey! I just accidentally
cut my own foot off with a dull, rusty hacksaw!" Or, "You're not my
father! AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaamonkeyaaaaaaaaaa!" Or possibly even,
"Monkey the monkeying monkey!"
-Alloni Kramer
the internet is taking over ... in more ways than one.
-Jonathan Mayer
my $monkeycnt = $#monkeys + 1;
... I won't even comment on how foul and orgyistic the syntax of this
statement appears to be.
-Jonathan 'n Nathan
And I thought tapirs were such peaceful animals...
-Nathan Winant
And weird al wore my fuzzy notebook for his VH-1 Behind the Music episode.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, Jennifer, I am your illegitimate son. I reveal the truth at last.
-Alloni Kramer
Alas, long have I wondered where you are, my son. I have swooned at the
very sound of your birthname. Oh my darling Foofenschnagen! You have
returned to me!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I browse on malt liquor, pot, crystal meth, the occasional line of coke,
and small taiwanese boys.
-Nathan Winant
Nah, I'm just pokin' yer chain, chickie-babe. No need to get your panties
in a waddle. Look, yer' scrampin' my cool, you catch what I'm sayin'?
Solderin' the white knight? Droppin' cashews on the barbie? What?
-Alloni Kramer
I'm attracted to bright sparkly things.
-Funky J
So are you saying that we should invade her to join us? Ahem. I tried to
write invite. I really did.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We saw one and only one piece of graffiti the whole trip. It was scratched
into the back of a small, somewhat mangled metal trail sign. It read:
"DREAD CTHVLHV".
-Mark Doner
Hey, we could have hazings!
Kinda hard by e-mail isn't it? I mean we could tell her to stick her head
in a toilet and flush but how could we know that she would really do it? I
mean besides the hidden cameras?
-Nathan 'n Garth
Now, you can have multiple personality disorder in the privacy of your own
home. How much would you pay? Wait don't answer that yet. What if we threw
in a set of his and hers and his and his and hers and his and hers and
theirs bath towels?
-Garth
I even had a dream that I went to Australia to thank you. Abducto was with
me (Abducto was a conglomerate of abducted members and kept changing but I
didn't notice till I woke up and thought about it) We met Felix first then
went to see you. You were living in some sort of college dorm only it was
one big room with several beds like an army barracks and we sat by the
window and smoked a joint. Then I made out with a girl with a prosthetic
ear. I woke up when it came off in my mouth.
-Garth
Thought for the day: Never try to delete a package while one is
attempting to install said package.
-Alloni Kramer
bah. I'm only tampering with the very elements of life, treading in the
footsteps of the creator Himself. What could possibly go wrong?
-Chris Wayne
Son? I'll never forgive Igor for accidentally putting you out that fateful
Monday night so many years ago. I waited nine months, devoting so much
care and attention on the bag I thought you were in, only to discover that
it was full of aluminum cans. Damn you, Igor! We don't bag recyclables!
-Chris Wayne
We don't do anything as a group. We never completely agree on anything.
There is even one member on the list that doesn't agree that Josh is out
of his mind.
... you mean josh? =)
-Garth 'n Nathan
Now why would the name "Wayne" make you think of disgruntled southerners?
I mean, sure, I can see the crackpot part, but SOUTHERN?? ugh.
-Chris Wayne
... yet more evidence of prehistoric Space Nazis colonizing the planet.
-Nathan Winant
Is anyone worried that there's a large moon orbiting Saturn, that just
_happens_ to look like the Death Star, and just _happens_ to be within
striking distance of earth if interstellar dark lords of the ooboolie
decide they feel like making an example of us? "But Earth is a peaceful
planet!"
-Alloni Kramer
As peaceful as Alderaan, anyway. Alderaan was another of them wretched
hives of scum and villainy that seem to populate the galaxy. Leia was
just prejudiced. You know, home planet, plus she lived the life of a
princess on it. You get a good overview of the happy life from there.
Alderaan was known as the Armpitstop of the Galaxy.
-Alloni Kramer
Peaceful in that we have yet to wage any interstellar wars. Of course, now
that nasa is blowing up random objects in space, that may all change...
-Nathan Winant
He hid her body inside his BED?? He slept on top of a dead body for a
week? What a sick fuck. Even if he did accidentally pummel her with a
baseball bat and accidentally stab her repeatedly. God Bless America.
-Chris Wayne
*sigh* Story of my life. I do my best work when everyone else is on drugs.
-Chris Wayne
You subconsciously want to be a large black man with a high-pitched voice.
-Chris Wayne
Notice that this happened in Oklahoma, where the deadliest tornadoes in
American history just recently occurred and site of the infamous terrorist
bombing. Acts of man, acts of God, and now acts of beast. Oklahoma is near
Texas and is like Texas, but it is not Texas. Nature abhors the Not-Texas.
-Chris Wayne
hmm, hadn't considered that. Actually, it would be easier to create Spice
Troopers by encasing Spice Girls in armor and putting parasitic bloodworms
into their ears. Just think of it, man! An unstoppable army of Girl Power!
-Chris Wayne
I have met a cute guy to stalk. Actually, I'm hoping he'll stalk me first.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
What about demonic, alien, or government influence through music, TV, and
internet? Or do you honestly believe that tinfoil hats are unnecessary?
-Chris Wayne
Sounds like some kind of unholy literary Brady Bunch.
-Chris Wayne
When I was little I was convinced that there was a man outside my window
who could see through my curtain and my clothing, but not my sheets. Plus,
he could levitate. I was on the second floor. I stuck my tongue out at him
every night. He was like the magical levitating pediphile with weird x-ray
vision. I have no idea why I thought this, but I was pretty certain.
Others had imaginary friends. I had imaginary perverts.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (this surprises no one)
a word of warning... if you ever see something that is marked "bowel
evacuator," believe it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
blasphemy. He who controls the spice girl power controls the universe.
-Chris Wayne
I mean, if you did that, you could hold my childhood butcher resposible
for my recent cravings for human flesh. Oh wait, did I say something about
some bizarre and ungodly proclivities? Never mind; I was just kidding.
By the way, free dinner tonight at my house of...er, for anyone who shows
up.
-Josh Smith
Another war of northern agression? It might not go so well this time.
-Chris Wayne
On the other hand, I wouldn't care to meet Cthulhu in a dark alley either.
Not that he could fit.
That all depends on how fine you chop him. I mean, go over him ten or
twelve times with a steam-yacht, and you could probably fit the chunks
into most dark alleys.
-Alloni 'n Chris 'n Mark
You Californians with your spacious and airy dark alleys. Nothing's better
than a good New York dark alley, pitch black even during the day, walls so
high and so close together you feel like you're suffocating, the ground
virtually carpeted with drug paraphenalia, homeless, dead bodies, and
other assorted refuse. Now that's an alley.
-Chris Wayne
Gojira vs. Cthulhu. There's a fight I'd like to see. From very far away.
-Chris Wayne
God damn it. He's reacting with a sense of humor. That's no fun.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
may be fremen in my future. will rule arrakis as father and son, assuming
i find a ruthless female to be my evil side. i need an evil side. like,
you know, the two of us making one entity making decisions. need a
tiebreaker vote. a neuter. role to take care of child and to break ties
in favor of oneortheother. must redesign society on meaningful role. can
neuter those who don't deserve to breed. on the other hand, neutering
would give them influence on next generation. and neutering those who can
raise kids right stops them from passing along favorable genes. got it!
can belong to more than one group. one as male/female, one as "neuter".
planning. perhaps slaughtering useless millions. perhaps not. pending on
mood. endorphin overflow.
-Alloni Kramer
*sigh.* I could use a short-lived tryst. Ah well...
-Nathan Winant
Can you smell the fnords tonight?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Sorry. It was a mental vomit moment.
-Josh Smith
Oh, so THAT'S your plan! First you encourage the government to kill
people, then you take everyone's goats. Well, I'm not goin' along with
it. The only time somebody's getting Josh's goat is when Josh is dead.
Oh wait. Maybe that was the point.
-Josh Smith
I saw that in a theater all by myself. During the previews a couple walked
in and went to some seats about six rows from me. As they started to sit I
shouted, "Excuse me, those seats are taken.". They left and I was alone
again.
-Garth
Coveted Star Wars landspeeder with Luke and Ben legos yesterday at drug
store. No price tag. These are not the legos you are looking for.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Maybe... maybe they bred me so I can breed them into mobile superbodies. I
am a fruit experiment. It makes so much sense. Of course, I've never had
any strange urges to serve fruit. Maybe they're just waiting for the
right time.
-Alloni Kramer
Sagit.. Saggit.. Sagitt... Capricorn is in the house of the Rising Sun,
so victory will go to the Japanese in this war. Do not worry. They shall
be good and kindly masters, and shall rule us with an iron fist, and
desstroy any signs of resistance to their vile secretions. I didn't want
to say secretions. But the word has to follow every time you say the word
"vile" secretions. It's like "bloodthirsty" fiend. Or "pungent" aroma.
Or "strawberry" massive hemmoraging of the face and hands.
-Alloni Kramer
They'll probably make you OverQueen of the Elderly or Left Side Colonel of
the Canadian Mounted Infantry.
-Alloni Kramer
Frankly, that sounds like being sent to Siberia. Maybe if it were the
OverQueen of Pr0n or Left Side Colonel of the Stud Farm. That would be
great. I'm *all* for that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It ain't quite Siberia. You do get quite a bit of power from being
OverQueen of the Elderly. Slow power, though. Power that needs
assistance in going to the bathroom. On the other hand, you really didn't
do that much to help them out, did you. You just put two cards together.
Moral and symbolic support, admittedly, but the Japanese are more into
actual and logistical support. Pave the way for their rulership. Go
around saying things like "The Japanese are neato!" and "Boy, I sure wish
those Japanese would just take over this country!" and "Gosh darn it, when
I think Japanese I just think natural rulers!" Then you'd get some power
in the new regime, you bet! How does OverMistress of Hotties sound to
you?
-Alloni Kramer
Weeeeeeeeell, I see it's time to beat alloni again. I guess I'll go out
there over the weekend and take care of it for y'all.
-Nathan Winant
/me quietly sharpens his baseball bat...
-Nathan Winant
Lynx is peace.
-Alloni Kramer
So you're saying that evil mind-control worms look similar to penes? No
wonder I like sex. Guess its time to start using tinfoil condoms.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
See? Josh understands. Actually, that should worry me. The fact that it
doesn't... worries me.
-Alloni Kramer
I was at a friend's place last night, and his wife informed me that she
was going to ask me five questions every time she saw me. I asked why, and
she said it was because she wants to know me better before she kills me.
-Mark Doner
Soon I'll be back on abducted complaining about my inherent superiority
again ...
-DerekFelix
Mine is a month away but I already know what I'm gonna get. Funky J is the
coolest. Unless... the rest of you want to compete for my affection.
-Garth
Well kids, even as we speak, I'm sitting around the office at 4 in the
morning whoring my "skills" for the germans and the canadians. Yes, I
suppose I'm pretty much a traitor now. Fire at will.
-Nathan Winant
Women can smell monogamy on you. It's like pheromones.
-Chris Wayne
That's a neat trick. I'll have to try that some time at some point. "Gosh
darn it, I'm just way too far above everyone else on thsi planet. Their
puny minds cannot comprehend the slightest facet of the smallest of my
thoughts. Fuck! I wish I had an intellectual equal to communicate with."
-Alloni Kramer
When I was but a wee one plotting world domination, my plan was for a vast
pack of werewolves to besiege the capital cities of every major country on
earth simultaneously. Then I pictured Ronald Reagan (at the time) fighting
my army off valiantly using the White House silverware. hrmph.
-Chris Wayne
Are you properly appreciating me? I hope so. I am, after all, the apex
of humanity. (I buff my fingernails on my chest nonchalantly. Then I
smooth back my hair. Then I slowly start licking my arms and body like a
giant cat, stopping only when I've twisted myself into an impossible
position it takes three paramedics 2.6 hours to extricate me from. By
which time I've missed my bus and have to hitchhike. Luckily, I get
picked up in time. Unluckily, I'm picked up by a nun carrying a banjo,
who proceeds to subject me to xian hymns sung in a highpitched squeaky
voice with banjo accompanyment, which causes her not to pay attention to
the road, and we crash. I am left unharmed, though dazed, but the nun's
twisted, broken body is flung onto mine. A passerby mistakes the
situation and calls the police, and I am accused of homicide, satanic
practices, necrophilia, and so forth. I manage to escape (by saying
"Look! Over there!" - I've been captured by Officer Bob, not the swiftest
gun in the holster), and flee for the hills, as a state-wide manhunt is
set up for me. I escape by being as blatant as possible, and everyone
thinks that it couldn't be me, as I wouldn't be stupid enough to be that
blatant. I probably wear my black dress. It seems like a good time for
it. I've been looking for an excuse. I flee the country, and move to
Canada, where I become a shoeshine boy in Montreal. But a wealthy
shoeshine boy, so it all turns out for the best in the end.) Not that
that says very much for humanity.
-Alloni Kramer
<Alloni hands you a "get out of being killed by a Roman Centurion free"
card, to show his thanks.>
-Alloni Kramer
You're the man, at least the man in California, so legally it's all your
fault. So I get half of YOUR possessions, assets, and future earnings.
Lends a whole new meaning to "You da man!" "No, you da man!" "How can I
be da man when you da man?" etc.
-Chris 'n Alloni
Someone would have to remind him where the silverware is for starters and
after that every few minutes "You were fighting off vampires with your
spoon, Mr. President."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Will start disassembling teddy bears and spare beanie babies immediately.
Anatomical research, donchaknow.
-Chris Wayne
whack whack. its like "squick squick" but even more obvious. I still like
"squick squick."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Luckily for the world. You see, if the world does not have a high enough
humor quotient by the end of this year, the elder gods will institute the
little smonnnnk motor and the Earth will implode. We still have to make up
for the PMRC.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (doing our duty)
I could not make you confused. There are simple equations involved. There
is now a spatial anomaly creeping down the street. It just coughed up a
nun. Did you know it's Freemasonry week?
-Felix
Eh, my brain just fell out.
-Felix
Man, I've only done *that* once or twice, but *believe* me. You do not
ever want to cough up a nun. Ouch. You wanna put that where?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You may now resume your previous activities, which seem to be sleeping or
something useless like that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No problem. Anything for you, my hot monkey love.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
am I stoned now?
-Garth
We have loose definitions around these here parts. (Also loose women,
rowr.)
-Alloni Kramer
The first 300 people that participate will receive sexual favors. (By
who/what will not be revealed until the end of the contest.)
-Jason
Indeed you did say nothing, twice. If that's even possible. Garth, why
are you trying to rip apart time and space?
-Jason
But really, listen to Bob Marley's greatest hits a lot of times over and
over until you know all the words and can sing them in your sleep. Then
listen to the Ewoks. You'd want them dead too. If you only knew. IF YOU
ONLY KNEW... HEY! WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH THAT NEEDLE? GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
Everyone excuse me while I flail the orderlies, mkay?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, Jen. The Ewoks are out to get you. What's the worst they can do?
Club you about the shins and knees?
-Kevin
I still say we nuke Times Square at exactly midnight. Bring in the New
Year with a bang.
-Chris Wayne
Have nothing to say. Will not say nothing.
-Alloni Kramer
I would connect, but I think IRC is for #friendless_losers.
-Jason
Felix's brain is squishy.
Squishy is love.
<Three little dots in a triangle arrangement>Felix's brain is love.
So my question is, do the love zombies have any particular affinity for
Felix's brain, or can they metabolically convert any brain to love?
-Josh Smith
Goats don't kill people... oh, wait, goats DO kill people.
-Chris Wayne
Awww. Makes me wanna play hide and seek. I'll be behind the couch.
-Josh Smith
You are trying to make me implode, aren't you?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And since we know that only outlaws have goats, only pervert outlaws blow
goats...
.
. . Josh is a perverted outlaw. with a handgun even.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
A plague of dog-sized bloodthirsty rats descends upon Frankfurt. Much more
important than the JFK Jr. memorial ocean dredging, and more entertaining,
too!
-Jonathan Mayer
... Blessed are the brainwashed little children!
-Nathan Winant
Wow Eyedunno, you blow goats? I wonder if you teach it... I'd like to
sign up for your Introduction to Goat Blowing class, is there still time?
I've done it as a hobby, but I'm looking to go pro.
-Jason
Its like the difference between meat and sugar. Or purple and Hoover damn.
-Garth
But if you can't take a relentless beating, why are you here?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I just don't get it. I can make my own coffee, I have several comfy
chairs, hundreds of books to read, music I like, TV, videos, and computer.
Why should I pay for what I can get at home? No shirt, no shoes, no pants,
no problem. And no annoying coffee-shop people who desperately need forks
stuck into their foreheads. I guess that being happy in my own home makes
me a sociopath or something. That and the forking foreheads thing.
-Chris Wayne
Huge fucking monster roach flying around my kitchen. It's about two inches
long, 3/4 of an inch wide, and its flying around in there while the lights
are on. And one thing that's important about those kind of roaches-- they
know where the head of a human is and they aim directly for it when
threatened. Scary fucking monster cockroaches.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You'd be a sociopath anyway. That's why we like you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
WAKE UP!!! I HAVE QUESTIONS, DAMN IT!!! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT YOU ARE
SUPPOSED TO ALWAYS BE PREPARED TO GIVE ME SERVICE EVEN WHEN YOU ARE ASLEEP
AND SEVERAL THOUSAND MILES AWAY? JEEZ!!! sleeeeeeeeeeeep. sleeeeeeeeeeep
is mine ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnemy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
sarcastially hopeless. ahh, yes...
-grey
I've got some service for you, BAY-BEE! ... In my pants, that is....
-Michael Hale (not nathan. really.)
I'm not a moron. I may act like one sometimes, but I hereby claim that
it's on purpose.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
See? I love this crap. "Satan, acting through the abusive alcoholic I
married, has been tormenting my family for years! Why did he single US
out, lord? It must be like the story of Job..."
-Nathan Winant
squirrel, is in fact an onomotopoeia for the sound fo stepping on a
squirrel. learn something new every day.
-grey
Either you're claiming you're allergic to showers or sex, and either way,
I don't believe you.
-Alloni Kramer
At my last school there is a pond outside the student union. Its got
gaters in it. They aren't tame and have been known to snap at people when
they've escaped the pond, but they *really* like ice cream. Plus, if you
aim right, you can hit 'em right between the eyes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My spellchecker just wanted to change beastie ot beast or website.
Website?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
not unless something i don't know about is really terribly wrong, if you
mean that in the way i think you do.
I'm so proud of you, grey. You've managed to achieve levels of
incoherence only found in laboratory mice before after they've been
exposed to vast amounts of radioactive gas and old episodes of the Cosby
show!
-grey 'n Alloni
Join us as we take a closer look at this devastating story. Tonight, on a
segment we call, "When greys attack". John? Thank you, John. This
morning, tragedy struck this urban playground. A young student,
identified only as "grey", has been suspended and imprisoned by the police
pending charges of lewd behavior. While we were not able to get details
of this behavior, our sources indicate it has something to do with the
reason she seems to have so much cash recently. Several children have been
hospitalized, and little Timmy may never recover from the shock. Right,
Timmy? "No, I'm a lot better now. It was neat! She *thwap* Ow!" We may
never know what happened. You make up your own mind. No, we can't allow
you to do that. We'll have to make up your mind for you. She's guilty of
being a hopeless pervert, and deserves to be scorned and burnt at the
stake, and we should all point at her accusingly.
-Alloni Kramer
I feel all out of sorts.
well, you'd better file yourself correctly then or we'll get all confused.
-Felix 'n Jennifer
For if you don't toil for Jennifer, then the bell may toll for you, and if
you are for whom the bell tolls, then the horse may not drink the water
after being appropriately led to the pond in question.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I don't know, after being imprisoned at the bottom of the ocean for
countless aeons, I'll bet he's hornier than a three peckered billy goat.
Add morning wood to that and, well, look out.
-Garth (re: cthulhu)
You know the rear view mirror on cars that says "objects in mirror are
closer than they appear"? Ever wonder what happens two of them face each
other? It could be more catastrophic than buttering a cat the wrong way!
-Chris Wayne
naked, warm and feeling fezzy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
paper bags have no instrinsic capability for evil.
-DerekFelix
Whose feeding and nap? Yours or the squirrel's? Which end are you stepping
on? What kind of shoes are you wearing? What is the nature of the surface
beneath the squirrel? How much do you weigh? Are you merely stepping on it
or leaping onto it? If you step on it in the forest and a tree falls on
you, but no one else is around to hear it, are there any sounds at all?
-Chris Wayne
I think it was someone on this list who said something about catching a
cockroach alive and crucifying it, as a warning to the others. Try that.
-Chris Wayne
Girls aren't weird, they're deadly.
-Funky J
My cat is the evil that resides in paper bags.
-Garth
I hope you realize that I am cavorting with the enemy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
These people are insane and I think I like it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Someday I'll be sane. No, really.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hey. In my defense, I was being stupid. Um, wait. That's not much of a
defense, is it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Got sucked up into a vortex of unbelievable paranoia last night. Are the
cops going to come to my home and arrest me? Am I being trailed by bounty
hunters? Is the IRS after me? Perhaps the most unsettling aspect of said
paranoia is that all three fears are distinct possibilities. I wish my
paranoia were more vague and ill-defined -- that's fun paranoia. Paranoia
which is firmly rooted in reality is just a drag. Sweet jesus! Maybe Ed
McMahon's after me!!@!
-Nathan Winant
Wow. What is this odd emotion I'm feeling? ... Sympathy? For AOL? Odd.
-Nathan Winant
I don't really intend to parody myself. Unfortunately, everything I do is
a parody of myself, so I have no choice. I wonder what I'm really like? I
wonder if this charicature mocks actual or apparent traits? I wonder if
I'm ever going to let myself out of the basement where I have me tied up
being used for experiments into the nature of reality? I have deduced a
few of the laws of the universe from me already. "Pain hurts." "Torture
causes pain." "Applying electrical current to the genitals is torture."
Strangely enough, though, I seem to be unhappy with advancing the cause of
science. Perhaps I am a Luddite.
-Alloni Kramer
my best friend needs to get to work NOW!!!!!! Or I will duckienap the
Puck again!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahaha!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
To make new friends, push the number one on your touch tone telephone.
To make new enemies, push two. To make new people who really don't care
about you, push three. To make an old friend that you haven't seen or
thought of in years, push four. To seek out new life and new
civilizations, push five. To make a pen pal, six. Press seven to create
a suspense horror film involving creatively planned deaths. Press eight
to create a giant mutant cockroach that nibbles on tanks as a light snack
and who wants to discuss Shakespeare's plays with you. Press nine to
involve the human race in a war with an alien conqueror that humanity
can't possibly win. Press schwa to ask for help from a benign, but
immensely powerful, alien race in humanity's war against an alien
conqueror that humanity can't possibly win. Press umlaut to ask the
benign, but immensely powerful, alien race to leave you alone now that the
war is won, and for them please to stop tickering with humanity's dna and
minds to create a perfect society - i.e. one just like their own. Press
omega to threaten them with dire repercussions once they don't pay you any
heed. Press lambda to launch the dire repercussions. Press kappa for
counseling once they laugh at your dire repercussions and make fun of you,
poking holes in your selfesteem. Press mu for assistance in planning
elaborate revenge. Press delta to find out their secret weakness. Press
epsilon to use their secret weakness against them. To get more counseling
once it is discovered that their weakness is just a big joke at your
expense, press gamma. To get way more counseling once you realize this
whole train of events was caused by you pushing nine to begin with, press
alpha. To hear these options again, press zero.
-Alloni Kramer
I shall be getting a monkey. A webmonkey. Or "assistant", if you will.
-Nathan Winant
Wow! Usually I have to pay money to get abused!
-Alloni Kramer
What scares me more, that a large animal like that would have such a small
penis, or that you know what the average size of a gorilla penis is?
-MadHat
Oh, you meant *humanity*. Now I understand. I usually use humanity
loosely. Or loosely use humanity. One of those.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Set cattle prod to stun." "Aye sir."
"its having no effect sir" "Arm the Photon... uhm... prod."
-Alloni 'n Garth
Not the Photon Disintegration Prod! Oh NOOOOOOOOooooooooooo........ what's
a smaller circle than . ?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Humans have the largest penis (relative to body size) of all animals. This
self-esteem boost brought to by The Discover Channel.
-Chris Wayne
You make me very sad. No Beanie Cthulhu for you.
-Chris Wayne
Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?
I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?
-Alloni Kramer (well, I stole it from somewhere, i just don't remember
where)
...start sending some email or I'll be forced to clean my apartment.
-Chris Wayne (threats)
Remember... 2000... End Of The World... Humanity wiped out by cataclysm...
Am I ringing any bells here?
-Alloni Kramer
Well, yes, but how do you know We aren't They? Or that They aren't We? Or
even that you have been designed in such a way that you'll be forced to
tell people secrets _that you didn't even know_, all at the right times,
simply in order to cause / prevent incredible tragedy, and by countering
your basic programming you'll be judged to be of no further use to UsThem,
and be wiped entirely? Not that WeThey would do something like that to
you. Ever.
-Alloni Kramer
Same way I know that this is not all just a dream and I am more than just
a 'brain in a vat' with a lot of electrodes in those oh so special places.
I don't. But that isn't the point right now. Right now I need to make
sure I didn't say too much and that They aren't angry with me. I have to
go now.
-MadHat
In summation: Alloni, in a stunning display of grace and skill, has
stunned his opponent with a breathtaking display of contradiction,
confusion, and outright lies. Let's see the scores:
US China Lebanon Turkey Oz Cracksmokers United
9.2 7.4 9.7 9.5 9.9 23.6257
Giving him a score of 69.3257 out of a possible 60, making him a good
contender for the finals. The only score he has yet to beat is Emperor
Norton XXIII, who scored a record-breaking 77 and a small killer goldfish.
-Alloni Kramer
That's not possible, for I am Emperor Norton XXII. And I am clearly still
alive. I think. Unless my son deposed or killed me while I wasn't looking.
He told me he wasn't even born yet. Damn, he's a better liar than I am.
-Chris Wayne
Are women camoflagued in California?
Yep. As "friends". Or as "passing strangers on the street". Or as
"suprised faces in my freezer".
-Chris 'n Alloni
I thought They make duct tape so people can make bad jokes about the Force
and be distracted from Their secret operations in Mexico?
-Alloni Kramer
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at you.
And what happens when you laugh at yourself?
The world cries alone.
-Chris 'n Alloni 'n Chris
i miss being a goth.
-Nathan Winant
Screw contrast. Embrace the darkness.
-Chris Wayne
He's a ventriloquist! He made me say it! Look, his hand's still in my ass!
-Chris Wayne
80s flashback! 80s flashback! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
-Chris Wayne
Yes! Light and Dark will fight you together to prove that we don't need
each other! We will combine our forces to destroy you utterly! HAHAHAHA!
Wait a second. You're trying to trick us, aren't you???
-Chris Wayne
We are the world.
We eat the children.
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
Adobe? Acorn squash? Beekeeping? Cretan snake goddess worship? Stegosauri?
-Chris Wayne
I'm trying to make a decision. One is the correct decision. The other is
the decision that is much more pleasant for a few hours and then turns
into pure evil. This is tough.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Never jump from an airplane without a parachute.
Well, I've got a parachute, but it is infested with parachute parasite
piranhas.
-Jason 'n Jennifer
Seriously, don't mention Vietnam around me. I was so scared during the war
that I wet my diapers on a daily basis. Thank God for teething rings.
-Chris Wayne
Recently -- in the past couple of days or so -- I have developed a light
rash on the inside of my left forearm, and another on the outside of my
right thigh. While not particularly inconveniencing, they are making me
curious -- as I can think of nothing I've come into contact with recently
that might cause a rash, let alone two rashes in such odd places (odd in
respect to each other, anyway). ... does this mean I've been abducted by
aliens?
-Nathan Winant
I advise you find out how she died before going any further with this.
If there is any suspicious evidence lying around, such as the fact that he
keeps her severed head on his desk as a memento, and the head mouths the
words "Get out of here while you still can" at you whenever you see it
behind his back, or his predeliction for large, sharp knives, or the
police investigation being closed by the unrelated deaths of several
police officers and large amounts of money being found in the bank
accounts of others, or even his "I killed my first wife and all I got was
this lousy Tshirt and Satan as my lord" Tshirt, I recommend having sex
with him, then killing him in his sleep by stabbing him through the heart
with his own knife. This may or may not kill him. If it doesn't, you can
breathe a sigh of relief, because while he will chase you around for a
while, and you'll look like you're going to die several times, but
eventually you'll find out his one weakness and finish him off. And then
you'll meet a guy looking oddly familiar named, um, Stewart. On the other
hand, if he does die, either you will hold his knife, feel the allure, and
become his replacement, slowly seducing and killing the males you know
until one of them kills you, or he will rise from the dead in either a
symbolic or actual fashion and kill you. He may get destroyed afterwards
for now, but he'll certainly get you first.
-Alloni Kramer
Nononono, don't ask him how she died. He has every reason to lie about
it. He's probably smart enough not to say, "Oh, I killed her. I always
kill the women I have sex with. It's a guy thing. So, you busy tonight?"
No, do _real_ research. Check the police records. Check her death
certificate. "Steve? What was you wife's full name and date of birth?
Just out of curiosity." Check news stories around that time for her name
or "unexplained deaths". You might even want to test Steve for signs of
demonic posession. Do some psychological testing. "Steve? Fill in the
blanks in these sentences. ______ is my lord. I sometimes get unnatural
cravings for ________. My hero is _______." Things like that. After all,
no sense in being careless.
-Alloni Kramer
Well, it's kind of odd. It's not oozy, only slightly itchy, slightly
bumpy, irregularly shaped. But it glows with a faint green luminesence
under ultraviolet light, and quietly hums between 2:35am and 3:07am every
morning.
-Nathan Winant
Nathan, I hate to be the one to tell you, but you're a clone.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Hey bob, it hurts when I hit myself in the head with this here hammer...
You figure out why yet?"
-Jason
Lets see, tv about aliens vs. party and drugs in an open field where we
might get abducted by actual aliens. (and not just cousin booger in a
kooky spook costume like last time) I still have to go with the field.
-Garth
I tried wearing a dog collar, but I was arrested for imitating a priest
-Funky J
We Love Zombies always use the long method.
-Garth
"According to the Bible, the only 'knowledge' imparted by the forbidden
fruit is that the nude body is embarassing.-- Genesis 3:7" EVERYBODY GET
NAKED!!!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted Faux Pas: (Nathan Winant)
So I'm on a smoking break with our resident canadian guy, this french guy
who's visting our headquarters, and a couple other people I don't know.
So the canadian says something to the french guy along the lines of, "Hey,
man, we bailed your ass out in the war."
To which I respond, "No, Steve, you've still got a lot to learn about
being an obnoxious american bastard. The line is, 'If it wasn't for us,
you boys'd all be speakin' german right now'."
...
There's an odd moment of silence.
...
Then I realize that the other two guys standing around with us are
visiting from our German office.
... Ah, well.
Official Abducted Crime Solution: (Nathan Winant)
Luckily, I have a solution to the emerging problem of youth violence.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most young violent
criminals can have their behavior attributed to either:
a.) Bad parenting.
- or -
b.) Bad genetics.
Therefore, my solution: In every violent murder in which a minor is tried
as an adult and found guilty, the minor, all of the minor's siblings, and
the minor's parents are all to be executed by a point-blank .44 to the
head.
In the interest of merciful justice, I am willing to allow a maximum
period of six months for appeals.
Official Abducted Marketing Quotes: (Nathan Winant)
So, had a big ol', 3-hour long marketing meeting this morning. Notable
quotes:
"We have to remember that marketing sets the tone for sales. 'Never have
so many relied on so few for so much'... That's Winston Churchill, I
believe."
"Marketing has to lead the organization -- for too long it's been the
other way around. The tail's been wagging the dog. But, we're going to get
the dog out alive."
"We need to have a balance between our core business and our growth
business. It can be a weighted balance -- 70/30%, 80/20%, whatever -- but
we need to have a balance."
"We have to do fewer things better."
... God bless Big Business.
Official Abducted Possible Reasons The List Has Been Slow Recently:
(Alloni Kramer)
a) You didn't get my last message.
b) You felt that I am an ignorant worm only worth your contempt.
c) You felt that you are an ignorant worm only worth my contempt.
d) You were lazy.
e) Aliens ate your aardvark, and you had to observe the traditional 2
week mourning period, during which it is forbidden to stick out your
tongue, eat sheep's liver, or send email.
f) You suddenly realized that you'd never held the "Nixon is dead!" party
you had been planning, and the preparations for that were more important
than work.
g) Your computer spontaneously turned into a mime and wandered off to
seek a living in Paris.
h) The new Wierd Al CD came out, and you achieved satori while listening
to it, and only now decided to return to your physical form to work
miracles and spread enlightenment among the masses.
i) You caught a rare type of Tourette's syndrome that, instead of adding
curses to your everyday speech, adds them to the things you type, and it
took you this long to overcome your embarassment enough to send email.
j) You've been replaced by a Pod Person.
k) You've decided to becomed a roadie for the Spice Girls.
l) You've changed your name to "Annis Dey, Invader of Truth", and will
only respond to messages referring to you as such.
m) You unexpectedly caught a bad case of death. Luckily, it's clearing
up, and you should be back to work within a week or so.
n) You got involved in a relationship with an attractive member of your
own gender, and you aren't sure how I feel about such things.
o) You got involved in a relationship with an attractive member of the
opposite gender, and you aren't sure how I feel about such things.
p) You have real work to do. (Honestly! Your work is more important to
you than the vast amusement I provide! Not to mention the fact that my
emails cure cancer, promote good health in general, and extend lifespans!
Your work is still more critical!)
q) You've retreated into a world of your own devising, where the
Apocalypse has come, and you are the single remaining human on the planet,
so there isn't any point to checking your email, 'cause the only thing
you'll get is automated spam.
r) You have been mesmerized by an immoral hypnotist, who will keep you as
their personal slave until you are rescued by the superhero, Looniman!
(Sometimes disguised as Alloni Kramer, a mild-mannered webmonkey for a
small consulting company, a fact which you are unaware of. You are, in
fact, in love with Looniman, a fact which you share with your close
friend, Alloni Kramer. He knows that to tell you the truth would be to
reveal his secret identity to the world, and so he keeps quiet, with
difficulty. You did, in fact, discover the secret once, and he gave up
his powers for you, but had to take them back to fight an
Earth-threatening menace from his home planet, so he removed the memory
from you with a power he's never shown before or since, despite the fact
that there are many times it would have come in handy.)
s) You've taken an experimental serum that has given _you_ vast
superheroic powers (what is it with me and superheroes today?), but at the
same time given you a weakness to the kind of grammar- and logic-twisting
sentences I am prone to using. I will inevitably discover this weakness,
as you will no longer be able to communicate with me, and, consumed by
hatred (because you, um, I don't know, accidentally killed my dog. I don't
have a dog. Well, you gave it to me, then accidentally killed it.),
become your arch-enemy.
t) All this time you really hated me, and you only kept in communication
with me long enough to get my home address, which you have given to a
crack team of asassins with orders to terminate me. Soon, however, you
will find out that I've evaded your asassins, (because this is a romantic
comedy, of course, I'll evade them by luck, coincidence, and a couple of
skills that no one expected me to have), and you'll get back in
communication with me to lull my suspicions. (As this _is_ a romantic
comedy, however, you'll either fall in love with me, unbeknownst to
yourself, or you'll push me into the arms of an attractive female that
you're hunting for other reasons. I can only come out ahead, if this is a
romantic comedy. I hope I hope.)
u) You are actually a sophisticated artificial lifeform, and your battery
went dead. (If this is so, hopefully your creator checks on you and
changes your batteries now and again.)
v) You suffer from blackouts, after which you always awaken in an
unexpected place, and get reports that you've been doing various
out-of-character-and-extremely-bizarre things, and that you've been
responding only to the name "Fred". (If this is true, let me know. I
threw one of my personality fragments named Fred out the window while
speeding down the freeway some time ago. He may be doing this to get
revenge on me through you. Don't panic, and I'll call an exorcist and a
psychiatrist.)
w) You've been composing the Great American Novel, a task that, for your
vast intellect, requires only 3 hours of isolation and peace.
Unfortunately, you keep getting interrupted at 2 hours and 55 minutes, and
the whole thing is ruined, and you have to start again.
x) You found a book titled The Neverending Story, with the insignia of
two intertwining snakes, one gold, one silver, on the cover. You assumed
it was simply an exquisitely bound copy of the original Michael Ende book,
as opposed to the inspiration for his book.
y) You woke up one morning with a total personality change. You cut all
ties with your previous life, changed your address, and took up
needlepoint.
z) Your computer crashed, you were fired, and you were kicked out of your
place of residence, all on the same day. You felt resourceful, however,
and insteadd of being reduced to prostitution or begging, you decided to
become a porn _director_. You've been involved in making pornography with
taste, class, and a real plot, and being the only female in the biz, are
making a major name for yourself. You singlehandedly will cause the
profession to rise from its roots of shame and disrespect into something
people can be proud to be involved in. As a side effect, the position of
prostitute will start getting the respect of the psychiatrists, and the
world will enter a new golden age as a direct result of _that_.
Unfortunately, all your operating funds are tied up at the moment on that,
and you still haven't bought a new computer.
-or-
1) All of the above.
Official Abducted Quote Taken Out of Context: (provided by Chris Wayne)
"He was a beautiful boy," he said. "Even in death, he was just the most
beautiful boy. I'm still getting goose bumps thinking about this guy."
Official Abducted Nerfing: (Nathan Winant)
Lately, I've invested in nerf weaponry.
Well, not actually _nerf_, per se. Nerf sucks lately.
... not too long ago, only a couple of years ago really, nerf made some
kickass stuff. semi-auto pistols. single-shot pistols that stung like a
bitch when they hit someone. belt-feed chain guns. now, i dunno if they
still make those goodies, but if they do you sure as hell can't find 'em
in the local toystores. No, now it's all barely functional gimmicky stuff
-- darts that glow in the dart, lightly-powered single-shot weapons with
multiple barrel attachments, etc. Total crap. Totally unsuitable for any
kind of serious combat.
... so anyway, I bought a Vortex Tornado. The thing's made by koosh, and
it's only a single shot, but it ROCKS. You slide this rubber ring onto a
small shuttle on the front of the gun, and slide back a lever to cock it.
When you fire, the shuttle slides forward rotating clockwise and hurls the
ring some 70 feet. And barring any significant crosswinds, it flies along
a remarkably straight path. _Great_ sniper weapon.
I also got a couple of foam-padded baseball bats (great for duelling or
just beating the crap out of someone), two dense foam balls (you can play
baseball, catch, chuck 'em at people, whatever), and one of those cheesy
laser guns to make a lot of noise.
The problem being that -- with the exception of a couple of people --
nobody's really getting into it. Nobody's interested in playing. So I
spend my days stalking people in their offices, sniping them from behind,
and just generally making a nuisance out of myself.
I don't have anybody to play with. =P
I swear, I work at the dullest company in the world.
... well, okay, not counting IBM.
bah.
Official Abducted Superhero: (Craig Shaw Gardener)
Captain Crusader!
Remember, Captain Crusader says:
"A clean plate is a happy plate!"
"Look both ways before crossing the street!"
"Guns may come and guns may go, but a friend is a friend forever!"
"Flouride is a kid's best friend!"
Official Abducted Venting: (Jonathan Mayer)
Dear friends,
I am irked by four things:
1. my manager hired a graphic designer for my project, without
telling me or in any way involving me in that decision
making process. I am the lead developer for the project,
theoretically. When I ask about graphic designers, I am
told it is being discussed. "Can I be involved in this
discussion?" is responded to with a blank stare.
2. my manager then doesn't tell me about the graphic designer
for a month. When he does tell me, he then refuses to
give me the contact information for the graphic designer
for another month.
3. when I finally do get a hold of the graphic designer that
my boss hired, I discover two things:
- he's leaving for europe in a number of days, and
won't be able to work on the project after that, and
- he doesn't know a shred of HTML.
4. The Tibetan people still have no homeland.
Official Abducted World Domination Plotting: (Alloni Kramer)
I'm feeling megomaniacal. I may take over the world. Not today. No free
time today, or, in fact, any time this week. The weekend, probably,
though I might just decide to hang out with friends instead. Still, I'll
probably have an hour or two in the morning. I'll need a fiendish plan.
I could use my mastery of force field technology to create a suit of body
armor that makes me invulnerable and then destroy government buildings
until my demands are met. Pros: I get to destroy government buildings. I
get to do the whole thing in a hands-on fashion, and working with your
hands is always highly rewarding. And I get to laugh through a
loudspeaker as I get bombarded. Cons: If someone learns the one, minor
thing my armor is not immune to, they'll be able to take me down, putting
me directly in danger. A whole bunch of time and effort required.
I could develop mind-control powers. Pros: No effort required beyond the
original mind-control power development. Can disguise my flunkies as a
new, quickly growing cult, a la Koresh (as long as we don't stockpile
weapons, and, really, why would we need to do that? we're safe). Cons:
You. Yes, all of you folk, with those darn tinfoil hats you keep wearing.
(On the other hand, as long as I don't tell you I'm part of the new cult,
when the rest of the world has succumbed and we are the only ones to hold
out, I can spy on your resistance movement unsuspected. Hmm. And I can
even purchase some of your loyalties, since I know which of you are likely
to be bought and with what.) This option bears further looking into.
I can start a new cult dedicated to the worship of one of the dark powers,
whom I have promised to summon into this world in exchange for lordship
and dominion. Pros: Once the dark power is summoned, he can do all the
work. Cons: The hard part is summoning him. Also, dark powers are
notorious for not keeping their promises when it comes to lordship and
dominion. Even if it keeps its word, I'll still be the dark power's
flunky. I prefer to rule on my own merits. I'm funny that way.
A moment. I need to practice.
Crawl before me, worms!
CRAWL before me, WORMS!
Crawl before ME, WORMS!
CRAWL BEFORE ME, WORMS!
Needs work.
Where was I.
I can create a vast army of mutant vegetables to conquer the world for me.
Pros: They will be totally loyal. I can shape them as I wish. If one
goes down, I can just create more, creating more an implacable than an
invincible effect. Cons: Return of the Killer Tomatoes. While I
wouldn't need to do the work, I'd still have to give all the orders, as
they'll have the brains of, well, vegetables. (Possible fix: human
subcommanders? Find vegetable geniuses?)
I can raise the dead. Pros: There are lots of them, more appearing all
the time. Very spooky, especially with that whole "Jenny! You've come
back to me!" *AAAAARRRAARRRRR* effect. Cemetary Man. Cons: Plan 9 From
Outer Space. Effectively similar to army of mutant vegetables plan, but
ookier.
I could run for world dictator. Pros: It would be totally legal, as long
as I played it reasonably within the rules. I could make all sorts of
campaign promises that I have no intention of keeping. Cons: Actually
having to get people to vote for me. To win, I'd pretty much need
mindcontrol powers, and if I had those, why would I need to run? Unless
they were very subtle mindcontrol powers. Like subliminal tv ads, or
something.
Well, for the time being, I'll try working on the mindcontrol powers
angle, and maybe develop some decent forcefields.
INsigNIficant WORMS!
Oh, and just to make sure this whole email isn't revolving around just one
topic: I like sugar.
Actually, if I just tossed that in as a non sequitur, then it doesn't
really qualify as a non sequitur, does it? Problems. Come and see the
violence inherent in the sysadmin! Help! Help! I'm being repressive!
Official Abducted Alice In Hippoland: (Felix)
Alice watched the rather large pink hippopotamus trot toward her.
Rather rudely, the hippopotamus seemed to ignore the little girl, carrying
on straight past her.
Alice coughed contemptuously.
At this, the hippopotamus paused for thought. He turned around and said in
a tiny, squeaky voice, "Err, good day little girl".
"Why did you ignore me?" asked Alice in her impetuous voice reserved for
ill-mannered animals.
"I really am most terribly sorry", replied the incredibly coloured
creature. "You see, I am really an extremely shy animal. I didn't mean to
offend you."
Alice, noticing the yellow name badge on the hippo's lapel, spoke softly:
"That's okay Hugh. I'm quite shy myself."
Official Abducted Xtian Arguement: (Nathan Winant)
A couple of months ago, I got in a heated debate with a young xtian fundie
on the street who was trying to convert me. As I always find these
experiences immensely entertaining, I decided to stoop down to his level
and carry on a conversation with him.
Me: "You know, you stand here preaching and screaming to me and then don't
understand why I'm not interested in your religion. You can't expect
people to become interested in your organization on _your_ terms... You
have to approach them on their terms if you want them to be receptive at
all."
Him: "Well, we've tried that. Like with music..."
Me: "See? _That's_ a good example. You're still kind of off, but you're
getting the idea."
Him: "... Only it doesn't work. We can't get quality christian bands
signed on the major labels. After all, you know who controls the music
industry..."
Me: "... uh, no. Who controls the music industry?"
Him: "The Enemy."
Me: "What? You mean Satan?"
Him: "Yes, The Enemy."
Me: "Uh... I don't think it's quite that simple. I mean, it's not like
Satan's sitting behind a desk in hollywood with a greasy ponytail and a
cellphone or anything."
Him: "No, of course not. That would be ridiculous. No, he just tells
everyone in the industry what to do."
Me: "Again, too literal. I suppose you could argue that he indirectly
tells them what to do by motivating them through greed, but you can use
that to your advantage. If you come out with some really good bands who
can sell a lot of albums, I'm sure they'll get signed."
Him: "No, they won't. Satan refuses to spread God's Word."
Me: "Perhaps that's because right now God's Word sounds like crap. I'm
sorry, but just because xtian bands aren't as musically skilled as secular
bands doesn't mean the hand of Satan is at work here."
Him: "But the bands are Divinely Inspired. They're every bit as good."
Me: "*sigh*... Look, I'm glad you like them, but they're just not...
Besides, what about, like, Jars Of Clay? They're christian. They're good.
They're popular. They're signed on a major label."
Him: "Jars Of Clay has been tainted by Satan. Their message has been too
watered down. They're not christian."
Me: "... I dunno. They have a pretty clearly xtian message. In fact, I
think that's their main strength: they have a message, but they don't beat
you over the head with it. They draw you in with music that anyone can
relate to, and once you're interested, THEN the message is there in a
relatively nonthreatening way. Remember what we were talking about?
Reaching out to people on their own terms?"
Him: "Oh, I'm all for that. But christian bands shouldn't compromise in
their message. What we need are some popular bands, with an in-your-face
christian message."
Me: "Do you even understand the english language?"
... shortly thereafter, he went off into a diatribe about how christianity
should not be called a religion because "religions are false. christianity
is fact." I suggested that he might be a little less alienating if he
could simply refer to christianity as "The One True Religion" or somesuch.
He seemed to fail to see my point.
Evil is as evil does...
Official Abducted Sushi Lecture: (Ann)
Please don't implode from lack of sushi. Studies have shown that
implosions from sushi withdrawal (slightly rarer than spontaneous
combustion, but more frequently cited in the literature than conversions
to Buddhism among white male Republicans over the age of 50) may be caused
by an acute lack of one of the three essential elements of sushi. You may
remember that prior studies shows that the consumable unit of sushi is one
sush. Further research points toward a further breakdown of the "sush"
into three subasushic particles: norons, riceons, and wasabons. The three
are bonded, not by subasushic attraction, but by a fourth, "uber-sush"
(lit. "goes over the norons, riceons, and wasabons") element that varies
ACCORDING TO THE TYPE OF SUSH CONSUMED.
Obviously, this context-specific (lit. "ludicrous and unscientific")
subasushic categorization will merit extensive study and a really big
grant from the NSF (and caused at least one prominent researcher to be
publically seen entering an Italian bistro.) Further critics of the
subasushic particle theory have pointed out that all three particles are
not, in fact, present in every unit of sushi consumed; certain individuals
(lit. "Jennifer Larkin") seem to lack receptor sites with which norons can
bond, causing extreme physical discomfort from excessive buildup of
noronepinepherines in the brain, while other individuals (lit. "Michael
Crowder") apparantly posses a superabundance of wasabon receptor sites and
can safely metabolize doses of wasabons that would fell a water buffalo.
In response to the most recent round of criticism, researchers in charge
of sush particle research have proposed scrapping the old "subasushic
particle" theory and going with an entirely new (if not entirely original)
system of organization which divides sush six "types:" up, down, top,
submissive, bourgeois and caramel.
Official Abducted Movie Conspiracy Theory: (Alloni Kramer)
You know, I saw Phantom Menace fairly recently. And I was just thinking.
Wouldn't it be ironic if the big hero from the first film became a great
force for evil in a sequel? I mean, we could even have a movie or two in
between, showing the kid hero doing herolike things, and maybe even
getting married and having kids, but then he gets in a bad mood one day
and decides to be evil for a change, decides he likes it, and stays with
it.
And his son could be good the next time, and defeat him, maybe even
turning him back to good before he dies.
Best of all, then you could have the son get married, have kids, try out
evil on his own, decide _he_ likes it, and that's how this family line
goes along. The kid wasn't a virgin birth - his mother just says that so
she doesn't have to tell him his father turned to evil.
And it turns out he's descended from Hitler, who at the last moment
actually killed himself because _his_ son, Fidel Castro, told him he
shouldn't be evil.
One day, galactic scholars will realize that this lineage of great and
powerful people all turn out to do more evil in the end than they did
good, and some Jedi will kill the latest evil guy's son while he's young
and innocent and heroic, and the universe will be safe again, once the
latest evil guy gets run over by a pickup truck because he's evil.
I bet there'll be big celebrations on Coruscant that day!
Thank you for taking a moment to listen to me as I drool mindlessly.
|