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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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"How can it not know what it is?" I even considered taking myself apart,
to see how I worked, but as luck would have it, the blanket on my bed had
a firm grasp on my ankles, and I couldn't quite get to the kitchen for a
knife.
-Chris Wayne
See, here's a good example. This would bother a less mature person than
myself. But I realize that Joni is lashing out at one of the only list
members not to say a harsh word towards her, because of her own
insecurities and inadequacies, not because of anything I did. That and the
fact that she is a big poopie head.
-Garth
*woohoo* time for hetero-erotic prick teasing games ;-)
-Funky J
and yes, I'm surrounded by beer bottles and bongs. Well, one bong. But
it's shaped like an Alien head, so that's ok
-Funky J
I'm suggesting that they wouldn't be able to figure out how to leave. And
since there could potentially be hordes of them, they would have the power
to change the nature of the list, until abducted became some twisted
Barbara Kingsolver Discussion Group Of The Damned. ... I'd just rather not
see that happen.
-Nathan Winant
Do they really say that in the ghetto? "Yum-diddly-dum"?
-Nathan Winant
EX-cellent. We again remain somewhat shrouded in the shadows of
incoherence. You have done your job well, young Dawson. There shall be an
extra lutefisk in your pay this week.
-Nathan Winant
There is a large plastic bag full of zuchini in the employee break room.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (announcing)
Did I spontaneously cease to be?
You never were in the first place.
-Alloni 'n Khanh
You squish, therefore you are.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Did you meet our new friend JONIFERRIS?
s/friend/sadistic play thing/
s/sadistic/pitiful/
s/happy/smite/dev/null/wheee!/
-Jennifer 'n Kevin 'n Alloni 'n Jennifer
I'm all veclempt.
-Garth
What evils have you unleashed into the world?
Well, there is Josh.
-Alloni 'n Garth
alloni... is NEAT!
Why? What'd I do?
Oh, excuse me. I misspelled "MEAT".
-Nathan 'n Alloni 'n Nathan (long sigh)
Speaking of which, Garth, why don't you come on down. I'll keep the g/f
out of the picture. We'll smoke. You can call me a yankee. I can call you
a commie. It'll be fun.
-Nathan Winant
Why is it that whenever we mention drugs, we blame Garth?
Change 'blame' to 'call'.
And, sometimes, 'summon with dark unholy rituals'.
-Alloni 'n Garth 'n Alloni
Well, maybe he looks something like that, but not enough. Maybe he *is* a
goth chick from space, but he is not *The* Goth Chick From Space(tm).
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Thats because your mean. Mean, mean, mean. But thats ok. In fact I think
its kinda appropriate. I've seen many posts while you all were fighting
with Joni that asserted that we here on abducted were here because we were
all similar in some respects (mostly sense of humor) but I think its more
of that. I think are radically different in temperament and attitudes. But
I think its in a way that meshes together well. To form one great big
abducted personality.
-Garth
I also wanted Jimmy Carter to win cause he was a peanut farmer and my
sister liked peanuts, so I figured that if Jimmy Carter were the
president, there would be more peanuts in the world for my sister to eat.
This is why children do not have the right to vote.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's all about magnetic fields, man. It's all about magnetic fields. I
think that people have mistaken magnetic fields for god for a long time.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I only date Jedi Knights. I have to put you on hold now. I feel a
disturbance in The Force.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ahem. OWWWWWWWWWWW! Thank you. This scream of pain was brought to you by
Jiffy Peanut Butter -- no glass jars for us!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh, and Satan. You forgot Satan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (shame.)
My friend Celeste asked me what I knew about this guy cause she had a date
with him later that day. I said "I heard he has a big dick." And then she
TOLD him. Now how is he gonna feel everytime he sees me. "Oh, look.
There's Jennifer, the girl I haven't had sex with who knows all about my
penis."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Read "I'll get you really fucked up, eat most of your abdomen and give
your brains to Garth. Then I'll send Jen the leftovers."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't forget that I am The Possessor of Information That Garth Thinks is
Dubious.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
odd that the list isn't more productive today, the first of June. Its
SUMMER dammit. REJOICE.
-Bean (commandment)
Hello,
My name is Frederick.
I have been abducted by Felix.
He has been feeding me bratwurst in haggis, and forcing
me to utter allegiance to these Gnome things.
Help.
-FelixFrederick
I don't know whether to feel flattered or to writhe in mortal fear.
Feel flattered -- the circus people at the coffee shop can SMELL fear.
-Josh 'n Nathan
Welcome, Fredrick. You have been abducted. Don't try to get away, because
we won't help you. In fact, we'll tell Felix your every move. Have a nice
stay!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
hot chocolate
with little floating marshmellows
and whipped cream
and elephant gizzards
Who could ask for more?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hey, I'm actually starting to kinda like Amy. Even in spite of being
appointed Generalisimo in Ghosty's coup d'Amy.
-Josh Smith
Can I join in? I have tweezers.
-Josh Smith
The next person to use LOL in an email gets it! Oops. I guess that'd be
me. And by it, I mean one big ass mug o hot chocolate. (I'm on a diet.)
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Plucking it's eyebrows. It's nasty up there. They got fleas in their
eyebrows. Little know fact about the Chinese Government. They try to hide
it from us, but we international professional eyebrow pluckers know. And
we ain't afraid to tell neither.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (member of the ipep union)
it is kind of funny though. I should pick someone random each day to be a
bitch to. then be normal to them the next day (unless of course, their
name comes up two days in a row, which would rip a hole in space and
time). mmm... interesting.
-Bean
we're all adults here... wait. I'm not an adult. what the fuck am I
talking about? oh no. I am. fuck. I'm 22. thats old.
-Bean (realization)
HEY! No calling yourself old until you are 23!!! That's the rule!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (rule of 5s, y'know)
hot chocolate time. <insert pimp music>
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Okay. I'm uploading 70's porn music to blivit.
-Josh Smith
Felix, having typed LOL three times, calls forth The Magickal Daemon of
Destiny, which immediately rips out his innards and makes a nice haggis.
Felix yanks the haggis from the grip of the Magickal Daemon of Destiny,
replaces it with a Foster's and flees. By retrieved the haggis and
fleeing, Felix calls forth the Ancient Illuminated Sewers of Bavaria,
which carry him to safety in the land of Honnilly.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Instant cure for obsessive-compulsive disorder: Count the concentric rings
of your fingerprints. But if you lose count, you have to start over.
-Josh Smith
By the way, I still wanna see Khanh wrapped in Saran wrap.
-TJ Tran
I'm sick of...
old people thinking I'm stupid because I'm a girl.
that gossipy bitch at 7-11
not gettin' any chicks.
-Bean
I think it sounds better to say that you possess facts from alternate
universes.
-Garth
Hmmm... Is inability to spell the word luser sufficient grounds to be
classified as one?
-Nathan Winant
I've got whippits, josh. Hell, last time garth 'n' jen 'n' alloni were
here, we wandered down the street, passing out whippits to everyone we
saw. It was big, big fun. It was TEXAS-SIZE fun. It was fun.
-Nathan Winant
Carrying around meatbody in meatbrain looking for the universe in all the
wrong places.
-Alloni Kramer
I've been on this list too long. I read that: zucchini is only good in
bed.
-Alloni Kramer
I know RTFM. But I saw BTFM and my first thought was, "Be the fucking
manual? Are we talking Matrix here, or what?"
-Alloni Kramer
heh. I was driving along the other day and passed a pet supplies store. It
was advertising a sale on the sign out front:
All leashes and collars 40% off
And I thought "Why the hell would a pet shop sell that stuff??"
-Chris Wayne
You realize, of course, that your cunning plan will not work, unless you
change your account name and domain... After all, ghost is smarter that
your average bear. Or your average ghost. Or your average... GHOST BEAR!!!
... Dear lord! GHOST BEARS! GHOST BEARS on abducted! Ancient indian
spirits invading my western imperialist digital domain! Sweet JESUS,
THAT'S SCARY!!!!!!!! YARRRRR!!!!!!!! VENGEFUL SHAMANIC SPIRITS IN MY
HEAD!!! NO! I'M SORRY! TAKE BACK YOUR LAND! TAKE BACK YOUR DEAD! I'M
SORRY! I'M SORRY! NO! NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
Tha's right. Tha's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Jess call me da mack daddy pope
o' luv......
-Nathan Winant
What is the appropriate form of address for the mack daddy pope of love?
Your studliness?
-Alloni Kramer
... Okay, Chris Wayne and I have volunteered to resolve everyone's issues.
Henceforth, Chris Wayne will be Adam Carolla, and I shall be Dr. Drew.
Remember: we're tough but funny. Like Dr. Laura but with sex appeal.
-Nathan Winant
What kind of sick deranged place do you live, where the laws of nature are
as twisted as the people? Oh. Yeah. Nevada. That's right.
-Alloni Kramer
well, you are the ancient jew from palastine.
No, you're thinking of my second cousin. I'm the ancient jew from
california.
-Bean 'n Alloni
But I am trying Bean. I want to be just...like...you.
-Khanh Nguyen
I got mail from an identity "Eternal the Torment" today. Local goth
mailing list. I swoon with despair at the Eternal Torment.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I can go for that. How 'bout Extreme Purpaliscious Facts From Alternate
Univi?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Today I brought my lunch to work in a Q-Bert lunchbox. The geeks were
mightily impressed. As they should be.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
/me fiends for whippits.
-Josh Smith
Then you are welcome to be as afraid as you want. But when you're tasting
the business end of their klown fu, don't come running to me....
-Nathan Winant
well, but sometimes he *acts* cute instead of just *being* cute. That time
he was both! ;) LOL!
I shall destroy you all.
-Amy 'n Nathan
You ruined the surprise. Thats right everybody, I'm no longer a love
zombie. I've been reincreated (I made that up). Mind you, I still have the
libido of a love zombie. Unfortunately I'm going to have to wait fourteen
or fifteen years before puberty. Oh and one other thing. Would someone
please buy me some beer? I lost my fake I.D.
-Garth
Unfortunately for you, now that I'm a starbaby, it'll be several years
before I can reproduce and I'd also make pitiful rations.
-Garth
Hmm, I have 150 messages and I haven't read them yet, but I've noticed
that there are threads titled "good grief..", "dear lord", "OHMYGOD!", and
"holy shit". So I'm guessing there's a lot of excitement here. Or
something.
-Josh Smith
The Stepford Geeks. Coming to a theater near you.
-Chris Wayne
Lose weight!
Keep it off!
Have more energy!
Fit into your old clothes again!
Issue imperial edicts against German heretics!
The Diet of Worms. In this week's Enquirer.
-Chris Wayne
I want to know why pantyhose, 3 for $4.95 is in your top ten favorite
items.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"I have no knowledge of any such classified project, but if I did I would
be compelled to deny it." You know, government question-avoidance methods
are oddly fitting in the context of rumor-mongering.
-Mark Doner
You mean there's more to government than rumor-mongering!?
-Erik Larabie
Ah, yes, the battle cry of the Libertarian: "Non serviam! I will not
serve." Spoken by the same entity who said: "Better to rule in hell than
serve in heaven". Just look how HE turned out.
-Chris Wayne
Never agree with a man who got himself castrated. That is just a good
general rule to follow in life.
-Chris Wayne
you will conform.
-Bean
grey is mine, damn you.
-Bean (asserting)
Ah, but hope is for the weak.
-Felix
Not only do I rock, but I rock in such an extremely annoying way!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
All of my equipment is in perfect working order, I assure you... erm, was
that out loud?
-Michael Hale
I'm trying to be inclusive here, damnit. Why discriminate against dogs?
You dogist.
-Felix
Wow. Damn. That was both cold and blunt. I'm stupefied.
-Josh Smith
Its right here in my front pocket. No, not that. Thats a roll of quarters.
-Garth
You forgot "gross mismanagement" and "filling the monstrous spaces needed
for punchcard computers with middle management egos" ..
-Erik Larabie
Suprise birthday bondage party!!! No, not at my house. Perverts.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've had about enough of this. Somebody get the chloroform.
-Josh Smith
<whine>Why do I aways have to be the voice of reason around here?</whine>
Why are you laughing?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jennifer means irritating wench in Flyhaedian.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
vi - it's not just an editor... it's a way of life :^)
-Michael Hale
Stupid sports and cars. This is why humanity will destroy itself in the
years to come.
-Alloni Kramer
Amy's been conjugated. Gosh, that sounds dirty.
-Alloni Kramer
Say, baby.. you wanna go out later and conjugate??
I'll work your verbage, foxy mama
-Amy 'n Bean
Did he at least leave you some crack rocks to snort?
-Josh Smith
Good god, man. Sounds like you're in the market for some old-fashioned
insurance fraud.
-Josh Smith
Not really. It's just a natural progression of their "extend and embrace"
philosophy. Extend into every possible media to embrace the greatest
possible number of minds into their collective. I'm surprised, frankly,
that it took this long for them to just go ahead and take over the English
language. Orwell predicted this. Microsoft. What would you like to say and
think today?
-Chris Wayne
note to self : It 's always a good idea t foirt withe the bartende, no
matter wht what he or she look s like or gewnder ius.
-Chris Wayne (greyed out)
I am Lusty. Come and get it, women!
-Josh Smith
Still no takers. All right ladies, I'm gonna give you 30 more minutes and
then I either hang myself in the closet or do absolutely nothing. Most
likely the latter.
-Josh Smith
why don't you just masturbate?
Just did.
WHOA!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!
-Bean 'n Josh 'n Michael
you had better not have been looking at anything that had anything to do
with me while you were masturbating. I have a friend on IRC who
masturbates to a picture of me regularly, it bothers me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No pictures at all, and no thoughts of anybody that I don't know in
person, and no thoughts of Garth either, just to make that totally clear.
-Josh Smith
Well, golly. It must really suck to be around all this readin' and
thinkin' all day long... But the GOOD news is that it's TGIF night on ABC!
I imagine that _Sabrina the Teenage Witch_ might be right up your
intellectual alley. Or hey! Maybe you could just rent some Pauly Shore
films! Boy, that Pauly Shore -- what a GENIUS, huh?
-Nathan Winant (ooh! big words!)
I feel vague. Vaguely something. Something vague. Predictable motives
of operation. Fahrenheit in the trousers. The hope that through chaos
will come enlightenment. I'm right, of course, it just needs to be
enlightened chaos, something I'm only capable of as long as I'm capable of
it and no less.
-Alloni Kramer
TGGH... Jim... 56k modem........ Jim's 56k club! I'm sure alloni, given
his young smooth boyish body, could more than qualify for platinum
membership if he so chose.
-Nathan Winant
i think you should just make it god. god@the-man.org
Amy... it may just be the shameless flattery talking... or the gin... but
you're getting on my good side........
-Amy 'n Nathan
(the VP of marketing) just bought me booze. Well, the whole department
really, but I'm the only one I care about. beer. wine. and much more
importantly, gin. earlier this evening, I sorta propositioned to him.
Well, specifically, suggested he ought to marry another guy in the
company. Well, specifically, suggested I ought to marry him to another guy
in the company. I hope I have a job on Monday.......... =)
-Nathan Winant (wacky sitcom hijinks)
And this us back to that wonderful discussion in '97 where we debated the
best way to clean semen off a monitor. Yikes.
-Josh Smith
Oh yeah, baby, harder. HARDER. HARDER! Beat me like a rented mule!
-Chris Wayne
Gross but true: The best solvent for removing dried semen is SALIVA. You
can choose your own method of application.
-Chris Wayne
You see, Alloni? You see what you've brought me to? I have to recycle old
quotes instead of getting new and vibrant ones in a convenient list format
once a month. Damn your black heart.
-Chris Wayne (patience, grasshopper)
My name means Christ Bearer. Lucifer means Light Bearer. Aquifer means
Water Bearer. Therefore, Jennifer means Jenn Bearer. HTH.
-Chris Wayne
Dear lord.. what the hell kind of semen do you have that requires comet
and ammonia???
-Amy R. Dawson
That's precisely what's wrong! Cute girls hitting on cute girls is just
wrong! Very arousing, but very wrong!
-Funky J
I mean think about it, how could ANYBODY kill Samuel L Jackson, especially
if he's got control of the Force? "Feel the Force, Mother Fucker"
-Funky J
Damn you and your cold cruel logic. When will you learn that life isn't
just facts and symbols, life is heart, life is soul, life is a stainless
steel enema on the razorblade of love!
-Alloni Kramer
Still no Orgasmo. Must punish those responsible. Take pictures. Sell to
street punks instead of crack. Too much crack on streets. Just pile up
in backyard. More sanitary. Use WetNaps instead of towels.
-Alloni Kramer
I have a Jungian bra and Adlerian panties that match that slip.
-Chris Wayne
Ah-HA! I knew it! She's Canadian!! I warned you, but you didn't listen!
Now one of them walks among us! Soon we'll all have Parkinson's Disease.
Fools! Why couldn't you see the truth???
-Chris Wayne
No, of course not. In the past, I've only been willing to flirt with
bartenders that I actually find attractive. However, in honor of National
Gay Pride Month, I've decided to allow nasty old men to buy me drinks in a
futile attempt to get into my pants. It's just my way of supporting
oppressed minorities.
-Chris Wayne
Dear God, I agree with Josh. I feel dirty.
-Chris Wayne
So what you're saying is that faith is the fatty skin of reason?
-Chris Wayne
So basically it'll be one big bundle of alloni love..
-Amy R. Dawson (aw yeah)
Baby blue? With wood panelling? With EVIL wood panelling?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My brain, it teems.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Note to self: Erase Abridged Medical Encyclopedia entry claiming red tape
to be a bondage reference. It is, in fact, a Catholic bondage reference.
But then, aren't they all?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I think we should chalk it up to a momentary lapse of stupidity and forget
about it.
-Amy R. Dawson
Which he didn't mention is French for friend. However, preceeded by the
French word for "little" it meens SO. "Francois, who is your little
friend?" "Shut UP, Mom."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I will grace unattracctive men with my presence if they buy me food and/or
drinks, depending on the situation. I feel that it is my religious duty as
a SubGenius to fenagle food and drinks (or other valuables that I don't
want to spend *my* money on) out of people who willingly, knowingly pay
for my presence. But it's not like I'll sleep with them for food. I'll
just hang out with them. I am the SubGenius Escort Service.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
they should ALL be hitting on ME, dammit. I give the best oral sex, and I
can prove it.
-Bean (gif!)
monkey monkey monkey monkey.
monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey.
monkey monkey monkey! monkeymonkey!
Muahahaha! I'm in the lead!
-Jonathan Mayer (tilting the vote)
please don't hurt me (at least not until I know you better )
-Rob
Nobody ever hits on me. Except when I'm really drunk. Then I end up
kissing strange chicks. Go figure.
-grey
Hah! What pathetic excuse for a dustbunny is this? Those innocent,
trusting eyes -- you're cat's gone soft, his natural feline bloodlust
dulled into pathetic mewling, his razor-sharp claws of death beaten into
kitty-litter plowshares! Clearly the parents are to blame. My cat could
dispose of your cat with nary a muss of his fluffy velveteen coat. Hah!
But I gotta admit, the little white patch in Atilla's chest is kinda cute.
-Jonathan Mayer
you're a freshman, I can't give you oral sex.
excuse me, but can I join this thread too?
-Bean 'n Jonathan
Little do you know small female. Silliness is only one of the myriad of
personality facets I possess. I am large, I contain multitudes.
-Khanh
He screwed it all up with reason. Deduce this, induce that, how
unimaginitive. And look where we are now, using reverse engineered
technology to be god and change the tv channel without having to get up
out of the lazyboy, all thanks to some 16th century poofter. Down with
reason, up with skirts!
-Baabaa
Yes. Grey is the chosen form of all the goddesses on th pleasure saucers
except me. I'm cute enough as it is.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ahem. The implication was that everyone on this list is evil. Since
everyone here is evil, Terri C. Sheep is evil. Since Terri C. Sheep is
evil and she played with My Little Pony as a child, My Little Pony is the
work of satan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
a pregnant iguana, eh? hrm.. and just how big and happy _is_ a pregnant
iguana?
-Amy R. Dawson (if you need to ask, you'll never know)
We are about to enter an era known as "Instant Retro" where the most
fashionable thing is what you just wore yesterday.
-Baabaa
My name means Christ Bearer.
Yeah, well *my* name means Christ's follower. Nyah.
Alloni's name means "Christ!, that kid is ugly in a dress!"
-Chris 'n Terri 'n Bean
Alright, that's it. You have to go now. Don't let the unsub bot hit you on
the way out.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
*Excellent.* Those bribes are paying off...
-Terri C. Sheep
Since stupid people get sex, then I'm trying to create a spacetime vortex
by being stupid and not getting sex that will throw me into a universe
where things are more to my liking. I may have to find out the essential
underlying assumptions of the universe over and over until I get it right,
but it'll be worth the effort once I find the right one.
-Alloni Kramer
We need an impartial judge. A judge who has never experienced any oral
sex so they won't prejudge. They must go through a horde of women, all
giving the best oral sex they are capable of, in order to discover the
bestest one. It may be a burden, but I'm willing to volunteer Garth.
But I have... uhm... uh... no problem with that.
-Alloni 'n Garth
Nathan mode GO!
How many lunchboxes do you HAVE, woman?
Nathan mode STOP!
-Alloni Kramer
This messages brought to you by the Sweden Council of Northen California.
Sweden. It's not just a country. It's a country that produces porn.
-Alloni Kramer
What's the point? It's like taking candy from a small, dead, blind, mute,
quadripalegic baby.
-Alloni Kramer
You mean, despite the time that has gone by since the last time I realized
this fact, you are _still_ younger than I? What is wrong with you?
You're going to have to do better than that if you want to catch up.
-Alloni Kramer
Oral sex is always in fashion.
-Alloni Kramer
I had a dream last night in which alloni died. I'm not clear on the cause
(I think it was a car accident) -- the emphasis was on the aftermath. As
with all my remembered dreams, the details are vague but I recall walking
away with the following thoughts:
- i have yet to have a close friend die.
it'll really suck when it happens.
- i hope i haven't suddenly become psychic.
- life without alloni would be much less allonish.
- i seem to recall that the recept-- er, wake, really sucked.
kramer, your family'd better not skimp on the eats.
-Nathan Winant (messages by me, messages about me - i quote them all)
And, because we own the world, you have to accept and learn our de facto
standard. God bless America!
-Alloni Kramer
I'm just waiting with worms in my mouth. My grandmother always said that.
"I'll be waiting with worms in my mouth." She must have eaten a lot of
worms in her day...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
my nipples have been electrocuted and I am not responsible for my actions.
goodnight. *snore*
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Nathan: Commando and Philosopher.
-Alloni Kramer
That's the nice thing about America. It doesn't matter who started it,
it's ours now.
-Alloni Kramer
Did you at least get to wear plaid skirts?
-Khanh Nguyen
I'll tell you what's even worse... Sometimes, out of the blue, the theme
from the Gem cartoon gets stuck in my head and plays over and over like a
tape loop... Then the voices tell me to do things... aweful things...
Truly, truly, truly outrageous things?
-Michael 'n Josh
the silver skin of Jem dolls freaked me out as a child. I used to have
nightmares of metallic-skinned, blue-haired (with sparkles!) women killing
me with unicorn horns.
-Bean
Do you mock the power of the Tao?
-Josh Smith
Heh... I read this "Saints Pervert Us"...
-Michael Hale
Get me my lightsaber... Which one is that? The one that says Bad Ass
Motherfucker...
-Michael Hale
What an adorable kitty... Have you taught him to go for the juglar yet?
-Michael Hale
does having you're balls licked by the dog while you're asleep count as
oral sex? Because if not, I'll volunteer.
-Funky J
I had I dream last night in that wherever I put my hands, they'd always
end up on my friends breasts. She has rather large breasts, but the were
considerably larger in the dream. So, I'd be walking along next to her,
and the next minute my hand would be on her tit. I told her about this,
and she said that it must be in my subconscious. Thing is, and I told her,
it is in my waking conscious and, in fact general knowledge, that I'd like
to touch her breasts. Thing is, the dream wasn't erotic... and about a
week ago, I had a dream that I was a porn star. It was not unlike "Boogy
Nights". But at no point was I ever naked, or having sex. It was always
like in between takes, at a restaurant, that kind of thing. I went through
the whole thing... rising star with lots of fans but lots of older guys
not liking me because I was stepping on their turf, so to speak, to being
a junkie, to recovering junkie, and ended up running down a street
choosing which lounge suite to choose, as all the people had decided to
buy new ones and were chucking theirs out. Thing is, this dream wasn't
erotic either, although I was a porn star and (i presume) getting lots of
sex.
-Funky J
Just call me Obi-Wan from the original movie. No, not the brash, young
Jedi currently on screen, but Alec Guiness' wise hermit of the Classic
Trilogy. You are a quietly graceful leader who people seek out. You may
have fallen from grace, perhaps had power usurped by young upstarts, but
the right people know you are on the mark. And you have very large boobs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am a snake charmer in very deed.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm starting to see a theme here. Conspiracy, anyone?
Why, yes. I'd love one.
-grey 'n Nathan
You're gonna have to be more specific. Anal probing aliens colonizing the
earth, television and mass-media mind control plots, Oil company/Auto
Manufacturers environmental sabotage, or maybe Microsoftian historical
revisionism is more your style. Or maybe you wanna go all out and get the
deluxe version that reveals the massive conspiracy behind them all.
That'll cost you thoug so you'd better act now. Half off for a limited
time. Buy one get one free... You want fries with that?
-Trevor Walton
No, I think conspiracies are passe now. Ruthless overlords trying to rule
the world, secret government groups, alien dictators, hidden cabals,
Brotherhoods, Orders, gnomes, and Illuminati. We've seen it and seen it.
I think the world is organized on a layer of confusion over a layer of
natural law that fluctuates on a moments notice. Everyone operates under
the assumption that someone knows what's going on, and that there is no
coincidence, when the actual truth is that no one knows what's going on
and that everything is coincidence. Even the things we have observed for
the entirety of our lives only continue to happen through a staggering
series of random happenings adding up, and our entire reality could alter
dramatically at a moments notice, shifting us to something entirely
different, a difference we might or might not notice. So just remember.
No matter how good at something you think you are, it's just luck.
-Alloni Kramer
Damn. I just had nightmares about Grimace from McDonald's chasing me
around in a spotlight.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Nathan's Republic. It shall be beautiful. A society of Justice. A society
of progress. A society of (state sanctioned) arts and culture. A society
that, on earth, mirrors the Truths of heaven. A society of malt liquor and
monkey jokes and networked Quake deathmatches. It shall be glorious.
-Nathan Winant
I think it would be cool to play the part of a Rock Star on a porno. You
could walk in with a mad hard on, strum a few times like you would an air
guitar, and then get layed.
-ghostxxx
I am scared of Darth Maul, his schwartz is at LEAST twice as big as any
other Jedi.
-ghostxxx
We only have solar powered spruces.
-Garth
I dunno. I think chicks who dig LeChatlier's Principle of Dynamic
Equilibrium are kinda hot...
-Josh Smith
That's his plan. It starts with a random subject line, next thing you
know, his head is on our 3 dollar bill.
-Kevin
Well, ok, but I'd rather have the horde of women.
-Garth
No thats next week, this week I'm going to be a chinese buffet.
-Garth
You were barely potty-trained when I started having sex. Wierd.
-Chris Wayne
Somehow, I think the Tao would frown upon self-defense grenades.
Except when used in dire circumstances with the utmost restraint.
-Chris 'n Josh
*sigh* I wouldn't do you Alloni, EVER.
-Bean (ouch!)
You know what? I just had an epiphany. This is much better than arguing
about the Bible. The Bible is fucking HUGE. You can banter scripture back
at each other for years. With the Tao Te Ching, you've got 81 chapters,
some of which are very short. A scriptural argument based on the TTC can
be over in less than an hour. I have found my calling. I will be a Taoist
televangelist.
-Chris Wayne
I was going to cook pork schnitzels for dinner last night, but Microsoft
decided to buy me Quail fillets in creamy garlic mashed potato with a
LillyPilly Sauce. Thanks Uncle Bill!
-Felix
THAT'S IT! I am officially using my $1000 travel gift certificate to fly
to Australia and smack Funky J upside the head. Um, American *does* fly
there, eh?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I thought he was black and called us all `crackers` once. Garth is
racial-morphic. Run for your lives.
In August I'll be a vato.
-Kevin 'n Garth
I parsed this as "You were barely potty-trained when you started having
sex."
-Kevin
That's why you had that Boogie Nights dream. Cause there's porn going on
all around you and somehow, you're never involved.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am fiendish.
But are you *grimly* fiendish?
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
Who me? Sweet innocent me? I'm not capable of being mean. I am so nice I
make Strawberry Shortcake sick to her stomach. And if you contradict me on
that one I WILL RIP YOU A NEW ASSHOLE THAT'S THREE STATES AWAY FROM THE
REST OF YOUR SLIMY PUNY LITTLE BUTT. Ahem. As I was saying...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My mother claims that there is a word for the songs that just won't go
away. Ear worms. So it's really cool. You're boppin along acting goofy and
someone stares at you, you can just say "Sorry. It's the ear worms." And
then they will flea. In terror. In stuffed-animal pants.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Welding is almost like alchemy though. You take metal... and you join it
to other metal. To the natives that would appear as magic. And well,
they're the ones we need to win the hearts and minds of, right?
-grey
have two, they're still warm with the fires of secret nuclear testing.
-grey
What about me? I had pot plants!
i read this as 'hot pants"
-Josh 'n grey
What are you trying to imply? Is it the tangential nature of being that
irks your rattlesnake cage?
-Felix
I like you stewart! You're not like the other people, here, in teh trailer
park!
-grey
Damn micro-managing anal-retentive nit-picking unable-to-see-the-
big-picture toothless samsonites.
-Felix
irking the urc is like pissing in Finland.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Tony Blair may have been dead. He might be dead right now, He's the
Shroedinger's Prime Minister. Now with more Verve.
-Felix
Casually reading my email in pine. Happen to look down at the little
messages that pop up at the bottom of the screen.
2 new messages. Most recent from Felix re: Dave Thomas vs. Terri C. Sheep,
pt 2
I am *alarmed*
-Terri C. Sheep
Ah. It seems that you are in for some deep fried necrophelia.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
anyone wanna bring me some beer?
-grey
NOW I'm hurt.
I'm not giving you anything for your birthday.
And I'm going to head over there soon and have you killed.
-Alloni Kramer
Ponder hunting gerbils for sport. Realize gerbils are too tame and would
remain relatively stationary. Ponder breeding rabid mutant gerbils.
-Alloni Kramer
It would be cool if you could legally donate or sell your body to a
Necrophilic Society or something after you died. "I want to be anally
molested when I'm dead." Ah, yes. The things us libertarians come up
with. There really aren't enough legally-condoned means of
corpse-disposal. I still like the "throw me in the woods" idea.
-Josh Smith
"I want to be anally molested when I'm dead."
Why wait?
Hmmm... Interesting point.
-Josh 'n Chris 'n Josh
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I still want a fucking beer.
-grey
The US government can bite me.
-Josh Smith
ya know, this is not the first time i have heard Josh mention Miss Sheep
in the last couple days. Methinks a lusty escapade is beginning to emerge.
It may be one sided, but its still as intimate, because we all know what
Josh does when he is on IRC.
-ghostxxx
Abducted really needs a theme song. Something ominous and light hearted.
Something forboding with a touch of love. Something abductified.
It must contain the phrase "trouser snake"
-ghostxxx 'n grey
I read: "...someone randomly emailing the dead sounds of Felix..."
-ghostxxx
What the hell kind of bananas have YOU been eating?
-ghostxxx
I read that as: "your were being potty trained while I was having weird
sex..."
-Funky J (who needs reality when you have miscommunication)
I have a bong shaped like an Alien head. and an Alien shaped like a bong
in my back yard. We call him Bong 'Ed.
-Funky J
My first car was christened the Kobayashi Maru. (Star Trek reference for
the no-win scenario)
-Garth
Can I be the group moron?
-Garth (no)
No one has ever accused me of 'penting-up' anything, much less hostility.
-Garth
Don't make me think. I'm at work. I'm not supposed to think here.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Peaceful persons don't make for lucrative action-packed movie/Burger King
marketing combos.
-Erik Larabie
No, you just aren't seeing the big picture. There are clearly dark forces
at work here. A shadow government underlying the highest levels of power,
conveniently hiding behind an apparent squabble between two young people.
A vast conspiracy reaching its tentacles through the internet to take hold
of the minds of Abductees around the world. Nothing is ever just what it
seems.
-Chris Wayne (trust no one. keep your laser handy.)
That is so unfair. I have to carry His Holy Ass around, and you can just
follow along?? Someday I'm just gonna drop him.
-Chris Wayne
okay, this whole everyone-wanting-to-eat-me thing has got to STOP. except
for michael hale and ghostie, they're allowed to want to eat me, but
NOBODY ELSE>
-Bean
Le sigh. Le weep. Le swoon with dispair. Le swoon with the Dispair Squid.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Heh... I read this "Minister of Silly Wanks" Then I thought... Hey,
that's Josh's job :^)
-Michael Hale
I have a forboding tale of love and smelt.
-ghostxxx
If the cosmic forces are trying to tell me something, I wish they'd use a
singing telegram.
-Alloni Kramer
nothing about any type of job will make it worthwhile to do it and enjoy
it. Unless I get paid to smoke dope. Or take drugs. In my next incarnation
I think I'll come back as a lab rat.
-Funky J
One time me and Josh went to this adult book store (No you perverts, we
were only buying whip-its) on the way out I found a bag of marijuana on
the sidewalk and casually snatched it up without a break in my stride. I
thought I was so cool. Until I realized it was my bag I had dropped on the
way in.
-Garth
Jock itch couldn't be worse than the republicans.
-Garth
I imagined Nathan, having typed FUCKIN' and copied it for every use in
this document. And then he threw me off by using lower case. Now I'm gonna
have to KICK HIS FUCKIN' ASS. Lower case usin motherfucker.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
This morning in class we had to break up into groups and analyze this
woodcut from the 18th or 19th century. We were looking for numerology
based on tens and fours. There were twelve women and three men in the
image. So I said "Hey! There's four women for each guy! Rowr!" I scared my
group. Only one of them laughed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
An Ex(tm) hereby referred to as Flyhaed had a hearse. He bought it from
the cult that tried to recuit me in high school. I was afraid to ask why
they had it. They had to take the coffin out and clean up the cobwebs to
sell it. So anyway, he had one of those stuffed legs that are made to
stick out the trunk of a car. He made it stick out of the back door of the
hearse. He got pulled over by a cop who said "You're a sick bastard." and
he took the leg.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Heeyyy... Don't you demean my loving self-caress!
-Josh Smith
I'm pining for your mom.
-Josh Smith
Argh! The Fame theme is returning! That was a cult of leg warmer
wearers. Chipper leg warmer wearers. Hmm.
-Kevin
Louisianans need a *sticker* for insurrection? Hah.
-Josh Smith
I read that "anyone who supports any act of aggression by one Nathan over
another is guilty." It truly is *all* about Nathan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I thought he was in the earth's core with the aliens and Hitler clones.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (she means Nathan)
oh, thanks a lot, Kevin. I really needed to remember the theme from fame.
Right now. Right here at work where I have no sound system to drown it out
with.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
y'all will be assimilated...
-Michael Hale
Remind me to care less about other people's feelings.
-Alloni Kramer
Even *I* am not *that* optomistic. And I am tens kinds of optomistic. not
one not two not three not four not five not six not seven not eight not
nine but ten, yes tend kinds of optomistic. 3 more kinds of optomistic
that I have attachemnts for my vibrator. Now *THAT* is optomistic.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jesus Christ, people. Can we think a whole thought before responding?
Please? It's a simple request.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
stop mailing me. I'm too stoned to delete it all.
-Bean
must have boobs.
oh, I already have some
must have beans boobs
whoopie!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ghostie, you are a god among men. Your every word drips with the songs of
a thousand nightingales. I'm planning on starting a religion based around
you.
-Alloni Kramer (wanting nothing)
Gee, ghost. I think making alloni dress up in a pink bikini and bunny ears
and do an erotic slow dance to Ween while repeating "I'm such a naughty
little monkey. I'm such a NAUGHTY little monkey. I'm such a naughty little
MONKEY..." over and over, capturing the whole thing on videotape, and then
mailing it his mother, the whitehouse, and Dr. Laura would be a fair
subsidiary cost......
-Nathan Winant
Better yet, why not set up an all-alloni porn site? We could have the the
little goth girl area, the ubiquitous monkey area, and even a young
boy/"teen scream" area (tho he'll have to shave his beard for that)... I
will not be happy until I've gotten rich off alloni's booty...
-Nathan Winant
The only one who will be getting rich off my booty is me.
-Alloni Kramer
Sometime you just have to grab the whole ball of wax and hit the nail
right between the eyes.
-Erik Larabie
Ah, yes, Debtor's Prison. What a glorious concept that is.
"Pay your debts."
"I can't. I don't have the money."
"OK, sit in jail until you do."
Joe the Sleazy Legislator never gets his car fixed, and Bob rots in jail
for the rest of his life. Yes, definitely an improvement.
-Chris Wayne
Don't be silly, Garth. In laissez-faire capitalism, it's in a company's
best interest to make pollution magically disappear. Or at least kill off
all the witnesses.
And sell them as soylent green.
-Chris 'n Garth
The embrace of a scorpio intoxicates with its promise until you realize
that the embrace is only a restraint for the inevitable death sting. Then,
you're lunch.
-Baabaa
The only childhood nightmare I can remember is Grover from Sesame Street
chasing me around a huge pyramid of wooden alphabet blocks. Except it was
evil Grover, with fangs and claws and red glowing eyes.
-Chris Wayne
Tomorrow on Mormon CyberCOPs... The Virtual Mormom Police (ViMP) pursue a
thought criminal in action and force him to accept Jesus Christ of Latter
Day Saints as his savior. Let us pray...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Damn it Josh. I just mistook you for Garth. Stop doing that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Excuse me, but you are comletely out of your gourd. And mine as well.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Awww. Isn't that cute? BUT IT'S WRONG!!!!!!
-Josh Smith
waveform in my head, dammit.
-grey
Now we can eat aliens with our corn syrup every morning!
-Baabaa
You're right, legal prohibitions are always adhered to. Dogs never jump
fences and attack innocent people. Because its against the law. And we all
know that dogs, like humans, never break the law.
-Garth (being snide)
Horoscope today said Chris Wayne and I are getting warez.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Am happy. Am feeling like me again. It only took 5 rounds of meds to get
me back to normal.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (normal is a relative term)
Yes, it pays to suck up to The Man every now and then.
-Chris Wayne
Your failure to understand the Wisdom of the Ages (tm) is not my problem.
I hereby relieve myself of any duty to enlighten you. You'll be better in
a few years.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I almost offered to go over there and teach you to be fun, but that might
be considered naughty by certain other parties with prior claims.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I always sing "Psycho Killer" as "Psycho Kitty" while dancing around the
room with my cat when I have that album on. I'm odd. or is it even?
-Bean
why is it that umbrellas and walrusses seem to go together so splendidly?
-grey
In recent related news, my next-door seventh cousin's tortoise ate a
viscous gnome and galloped cryptically.
-Josh Smith
If your definition of truth is "long curved soft fruit with a yellow
skin", then truth may or may not exist.
-Josh Smith
Maybe Nathan is right. I really AM Darth Sidious. I turned Josh to The
Dark Side with just two words.
-Chris Wayne
Supply and demand. The power of monopoly. Pornshop-style.
-Chris Wayne
I love you Alloni. Don't smack me. Unless you smack me on the butt. That's
allowed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (i'll remember this)
Don't know. Walruses, to me, are more of a fruit cocktail sorta disaster.
-Alloni Kramer
just for the record, I can't stand being smacked on the butt, especially
during sex.
-Bean (noted)
What if my life depends on *not* eating an apple? Would that deny it's
appleness?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
How about if I immediately give it to someone who *can* eat an apple?
Would we be safe then? What if I fed the apple to Nixon? Would that
increase Nixon's appleness rating?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Nixon can't eat apples, he's dead!
You don't know that! He's in a box!
Well, if he isn't dead, then he must be awfully hungry, there in the box
with no apples.
Poor Nixon. If only we could open the box so he could be dead. Oh well. He
*is/was* a Republican. I guess he deserves it. Still, though, I'd like him
to have *my* apples.
-Mark 'n Jennifer 'n Mark 'n Jennifer
In the year or so that I've lived in this area, I've been shocked to find
out just how little shunning of modern technology goes on nowadays. Sure,
they put on a great show for the tourists, but many families own cars,
which are hidden in traditional barns, and most houses have at least some
modern appliances. Apparently, they also drink like fish. Illusions
crumble....
-Chris Wayne
If you are talking to yourself, like someone giving a soliloquy, aren't
*you* the audience. I mean, you certainly wouldn't want to say something
you won't understand. Unless you're Alloni.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
At least HE has never slaughtered the entire population of eastern Uganda.
Not that you have. Yet.
-Chris Wayne
I deny that wholeheartedly. Moreover, I deny that denial.
-Chris Wayne
Besides being mighty, The Dark Side also ignores inconvenient truths.
-Chris Wayne
now it all makes sense..
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard
crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say
has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
Perhaps, then, what Al Gore meant to say was that _his people_ invented
the internet....
-Kevin 'n Nathan
If it's not trying to crawl out of your mouth, it's over-cooked.
-Chris Wayne
I never denied it. Sign language and small-arms combat are essential
commuter skills in my homeland. =)
-Nathan Winant
Are you trying to tell me I'm yer mom, Nathan? Hmmmmn. I wonder who the
father was...
-grey
OK, I'd count it as communication if you have multiple personalities. But
they have to be distinct and not internally aware of each other. Splinter
personalities just don't cut it. Full-on Sybil or not at all.
-Chris Wayne
Cookie was a likable idiot. All he taught was not-sharing, stealing,
over-eating and messiness. Grover worked his scrawny little blue but off
just to teach me near and far. And Super Grover has a little super body.
-Garth
Can you make your eyes go all googly?
-Garth
I can also get crumbs all over myself in less than a second.
-Chris Wayne
Are you going to create a world? Remember, the day of rest is vital.
And a day of sex. That's vital too. Although it wasn't a part of my
original plan, it is a good addition.
So are you opting for the eight-day week or just skipping a day of
creation? Who really needs waters above the firmament, anyway, right?
-Chris 'n Jennifer 'n Chris
I don't know, Nathan, you always say you're going to change, but you never
do. I can't keep on lying to my friends. Nobody walks into doorknobs this
often. Nobody believes me when I say I fell down the stairs. Again.
-Chris Wayne
But then I'm a pot head so don't go putting me on your resume.
-Garth
I wonder how many of them have tuned us out by now. Argue argue argue.
[Insert something about audience and soliloquies here.] And you know what
else Chris Wayne? You wear your mother's high-heeled combat boots. Nyah.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
well, you know. *His* time of the month... My time of the month... We
could come up with a good compromise I'm sure. When I'm bleeding, I'll
sleep in the bathtub. When he's a hyena, he can laugh at me bleeding in my
sleep in the bathtub so long as he goes to the bathroom outside.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Why can't I ever be sexually obsessed with someone rational -- like the
woman I'm dating?
-Jonathan Mayer
Gack! Young love! Choke! To this day, thinking about it all makes me
want to put a bullet through my brain. Life is cruel, unfair, but above
all, highly undignified.
-Jonathan Mayer
Kill all the humans. Give me all the books and the pizza. Sounds like
utopia to me.
-Jonathan Mayer
Gattaca gave me dyspepsia. As much as I loathe genetically engineered
ubermen, the idea that an unmodified human could beat the system with mere
'spunk' appalls me. Boy! Can't genetically engineer for Spunk!
-Jonathan Mayer
1984: hypnotherapy (crude), in which the same message is broadcast over
and over again until the subject's brain copes by blocking the message
from the concious mind -- which opens the gateway for the message to embed
itself within the subconcious mind.
1999: MTV (perfected).
-Jonathan Mayer
Hitler killed the Jedi too?
Yes. He was sick of the Jedi mind tricks they kept playing with him...
"you will invade Poland; you won't invade Poland"
-Chris 'n Funky
1024 bytes equals 1k. 1024k equals 1mb. 1mb equals... suffering!
-Nathan Winant
It really isn't that bad here in America. Of course, now that I think
about it, I might just be a member of the select few, in which case, it
STILL isn't the bad here in America. Those who disagree... fuck 'em.
-Chris Wayne
That's just great. Now OTHER people are questioning my objective reality.
This isn't very helpful for my continued sanity, you know.
-Chris Wayne (i still believe in you. mindfigments are people too.)
I don't think that the Eurythmics fill me with unspeakable terror ever.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (she will learn)
One of my friends watched the hitchhikers guide while tripping and wrote
42 in hexidecimal on his wash cloth and clutched it for hours. Then he
started carrying it with him everyday when he left home. So he would
always have his towel and he would always have his 42.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I just found out I'm going to have to spend two weeks in Singapore now.
Shit bugger poop. That place drives me nuts after 2 days, after 2 weeks
I'm going to end up
(a) In jail after I stop a random citizen and start shaking them shouting
"Think! Damn You! Fucking Think!"
or (b) In some seedy Aussie pub in Malaysia pissed as a fart yelling
obscenities at the wall whilst street urchins steal my shoes and wallet.
-Felix
My life... ... is just not euro enough.
-Nathan Winant
Here's what's freaky: how defensive all the ravers on the various mailing
lists are. It's as if some scientist had produced the disembodied head of
santa claus in an erlemeyer flask. The deeper philosophical question:
maybe the human race could use a little brain damage.
-Jonathan Mayer
Four out of five experts doubt that MPD even really exists while two out
of five support it wholeheartedly.
-Garth
What *is* the exchange rate for lives to euros?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That's why they need human studies. Hold a four day rave and provide free
E, carefully noting how much each subject consumes. After the rave, kill
half of the ravers and look at their brains. Seven years laters, hunt down
the remaining ravers, kill them, and look at their brains. No, scratch
that last part; that could introduce unexpected environmental factors. So
just put the remaining ones in small cages for seven years, then kill them
and look their brains. All in the interest of science. Grants welcome.
-Chris Wayne
Today, I am wearing my vans, some baggy denims shorts, a blue pikachu
t-shirt, and a necklace of small stainless steel beads. Today, I am Lord
Of The Rave.
-Nathan Winant
You're just not eating enough Mentos.
-Trevor Walton
My Utopia would probably scare the shit out of most people. Especially
since it can't be achieved without killing at least 3 billion people.
-Felix
/garth represses urge to mention lunchbox full of drugs.
-Garth
Like Enigo Montoya after he kills the six-fingered man, what do I do with
my life now?
-Bean
so this is the way
the world ends
not with a bang
but a listserver
-Nathan Winant
sleep? pr0n? sleep? pr0n? sleep? pr0n? sleep? I must be getting old.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am a stethoscope!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You're a very special member of the abducted family, bean. You enlighten
us, enliven us, and enrich our daily lives. Feel acknowledged. Feel cared
for. Feel valued -- for that's exactly what you are, bean. Valued. We
enjoy your company, and we value you as the very unique, very special
individual that you are. Now back to the soya fields!
-Nathan Winant
I'm thinking you cancer.
-Bean
It is a sign, oh Great One. You must perform the rite of Pikachu
Slaughter. There can be only one.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh shit. I just realized that the sysadmin went down with these symptoms 7
days ago. Must kill sysadmin. Any excuse is good enough for me. Cause he's
got killin comin'.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Damn contaminated e-mails.
-Garth
I'm not just posting this because it contains the phrase 'sad little
monkeys'. Honestly.
-Jonathan Mayer
Wow. You're a very benevolent genocidal despot.
-Chris Wayne
Fuck progress. I just want better parking.
-Chris Wayne
I naturally assumed I'd be part of your new world order. I'm crushed to
realise that this is not true. I'm going to go and debug a for loop now.
-Felix
Try making over 5.5 billion. I'd keep the best person in every field of
human endeavor, from computers to genetics to physics, all the way down to
crocheting. It would suck to create a technological paradise only to have
everyone freeze to death because no one knows how to make a sweater. Then
we'd need a class of slave laborers; everyone utopia needs them. These
could be robots of some kind, genetically enhanced ubermen, or lobotomized
NFL players, like anyone could tell the difference. And then a ruling
class made up of those with the least say in our society: the elderly and
the adolescent. Between them, they could actually be a truly great force
of governance. And controlling it all from deep within the earth's crust,
a network composed of the brains of the slaughtered billions. Glorious.
-Chris Wayne (utopia!)
If anyone else follows augury (besides Alloni and I), this does not bode
well. If ever there was heavy-handed symbolism from the gods, this is it.
-Chris Wayne
Poor Bean. How does it feel to live a life with no color? Where every
possibility has been expended, and like Mason Verger after he kills
Hannibal Lecter in the new Thomas Harris book, your life is now empty.
Perhaps like Mason Verger you'll sit around for the rest of your life
hooked up to a respirator drinking Martini's made with tears. Then again,
maybe not.
-Fade
Just kidding. Of course you're part of it. We'll need your expertise of
fine foods, wines, and beers to teach us the best way to cook you. um,
forget that last part.
-Chris Wayne
How about we don't actually kill you but just vivisect your brains
immediately after the rave and then again seven years later? Sure, you
might lose some childhood memories, all understanding of the concept of
fractions, and the ability to tie your left shoe, but it would all be
worth it, right?
-Chris Wayne
For those of you playing at home, that would be a point for Josh M. from
both Chris and me. Unless he really did kill Hannibal in which case its
two points from both of us and the possibility of being hunt down and
killed.
-Nathan Winant
You want to travel back in time and kidnap yourself. This is a common
psychological theme known as "escaping the inner mall, in Iowa".
-Chris Wayne
no brie for you! brie for me!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hey! It's kind of neat being up during the day. You get instant abducted
responses.
-Khanh Nguyen
This scares me. It's as if I've been bitten by some sorta yuppie virus and
can't control the gadget cravings. I keep trying to tell myself I'm a geek
and not a burgeoning yuppie, but it's a fine line. I don't make enough
money (yet) to be considered a yuppie though. Luckily my better judgement
has thus far prevailed...no gadget purchases yet. And it'll be a cold day
in hell before I take up golf...
-Trevor Walton
Different account, same old freakshow.
-Nathan Winant
Either I got unsubbed or you're all having a cyber orgy on #abducted.
Hmmm. Bah.
-Fade
that's *it*! I've HAD it! NO BUDDHA FOR YOU!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I haven't gotten new messages in like 10 hours. is everybody dead?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
maybe you're speaking to us from beyond the grave. A tortured soul who
doesn't know it's passed. Walk into the light. No, stay away from the
light. Make sure you turn off the light when you leave the room.
-Chris Wayne
today for lunch I went to a place called "Wholly Mackerel: A Great Cajun
Seafood Restaurant!"
1) cajuns do not eat mackerel.
2) there is no mackerel on the menu.
I am disturbed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
[stay awake] Huh? Who wrote that bracketed stuff? Stay tuned. I think
this transmission has been tampered with.
-DerekFelix
I know what I'm doing after work today. snoring loudly. in french. fries.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Today I am an earthquake. The ground shudders where I walk. When streets
see me coming they crumble away at the edges leaving only jagged yellow
lines. My breath alone could kill a thousand dinosaurs, if only there were
dinosaurs to kill. The tracks I leave are destruction and even cockroaches
succumb to my wake. I start the tsunami that feeds sushi to all of China
in one day. I cool the boiling sulpher pots and I temper the geysers. I am
the release of pressure. I am understanding itself. Tremble with me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
look! I made up a new verb. It is two tenses all as one. Become one with
the verb.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
water is our friend. We couldn't drown people without it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I don't think you have cooties, I just don't grok you - therefore I cannot
share water with you.
-Bean
"choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA
i smoke some pot, and theni smoke some pot
choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA
i smoke some more pot, and smoke some pot
choon choon choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA
i think that you should smoke some pot
choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA choon CHINKA
smoke some more pot, yeah. jah love."
-grey (mockery)
And your married to some chick with, like, hair or something. And your
dead great-grandmother sleeps with the poodles! Take that!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm sorry , it's this awful habit I have. [note to self : must attend
clown school] Mmmm ... clown school.
-Felix
Damn you and your Kasparov loving hordes!
-Felix
but damn, is it ever fun to say checkmate. checkmate. checkmate! this
must be why people bother playing chess.
-Jonathan Mayer
I blame you folk. <alloni glares at the list.> Your mass consciousness
has developed a new form of inteeligence. Taking over the world.
<alloni realizes what he is saying, and his glare fades into an evil
smile. excellent. a new take-over-the-world resource.> Never mind. I say
nothing.
-Alloni Kramer
heh. I found a site where eyedunno and I could get married. theoretically.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (why be theoretical?)
Yo! LizardKingGarth! Looks like a match made in Monster Heaven!
-Alloni Kramer
I'm only interested if you're planning on ravaging my pure young form
mercilessly and then throwing me away like a wet paper towel.
-Alloni Kramer
Rule one of journalism. Protect your sources.
Rule two of journalism. Destroy the puling weaklings cowering under the
flag of Good. For Zool!
-Alloni Kramer
I read that as "inhale my breast"
-ghostxxx
I am so nifty. I will allow myself to eat an imaginary Pez.
-Alloni Kramer
She means me, of course. I am a plague of locusts o'er the land.
-Alloni Kramer
Sense of humo? That must mean you're gay. Damn you, wacky gay person!
Damn you for being gay. Like, gay people, they're, like, um, not good, 'n
stuff. They they they have no necksuits. (Does he mean ties? Who knows.)
I have no necksuits. (Must not mean ties, as I own one folded spindled and
mutilated that I keep to sneer at on special occasions.) I am revealed the
bitter truth. Agonistically, it seems that when I halfheartedly mock gay
people, I am halfheartedly mocking myself. I must be... Ooh! Shiney
object! What was I talking about?
-Alloni Kramer
Of course, how rude of me. Lay down on the couch and tell me all about
her. Could I offer you some cocaine? How about a cigar? Trick question!
-Chris Wayne
People keep dropping sugar in me and stirring. It's very disconcerting.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
the world is ending. that's gotta be it. since I am an earthquake, maybe
depriving me of sleep and making Chris Wayne agree with me will cause me
to smite the whole planet. Sounds like fun. When do I start?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
When the moon is falling from the sky,
And Jupiter collides with Mars,
Then fear will guide the planets,
and lust will steer the stars.
This is the dawning of the Age of Scorpio,
The Age of Scorpio,
Scorpio! Scorpio!
Hatred and misunderstanding,
Death and madness abounding,
etc.
-Chris Wayne (from the broadway musical)
What if I, oh, accidentally and not on purpose assasinate the president?
-Alloni Kramer
Don't be silly, Alloni, or I'll whack you with my gigantic mammaries.
smite! smite! smite!
-Chris Wayne
I know nothing of a secret passage. Not a thing. Look at the pretty
monkey. You wantthe monkey. You did not see the secret passage.
-Jonathan Mayer
Has anyone turned into an Asian raver chick while I was gone? If not,
could someone please?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Damn you and your artificial monkey counts and your loose womens and your
drugs and your rock n' roll. You're holding us all to an unforgiveable
standard.
-Alloni Kramer
Since I basically type with one hand, I may as well have a keyboard that
handles that better.
I don't even need to ask, but: and what, exactly, are you doing with the
other hand?
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
Just when I was needin some good old down home lovin'. That special kinda
lovin deep down within the inside of the inside that only a Mr Urc can
touch. Like hot fudge sundays and eggmalts at 3am tuesday morning. Oh
yeah. Exactly like the lovin that didn't happen with Julie from Cabin 7 in
short-shorts and a t-shirt behind the boat house at summer camp in 100
degree heat, while somewhere far away somebody plays a Violent Femmes
album. That warm moist squishy bonobo feeling. With the funky smell.
The smell that spells Lovin'.
-Jonathan Mayer
Oh, I must be insane again. Goody!
-Jonathan Mayer
Actually its one letter different from Earth. Coincidence, I think not.
-Garth
I picture an alien technician. Sitting on his desk in the office cubicle,
nonchalantly going through email. Is Abducted a treat, just a job, or the
low part of his workday environment? Does _he_ ever suspect the truth?
-Alloni Kramer
why are they called "time machines"?
I mean, wouldn't time _travel_ machine be more appropriate?
We don't call cars "land machines".
We don't call boats "water machines".
We don't call planes "air machines".
It's just so vague as to make absolutely no sense. I mean, if you look at
the concept that the name strictly delimits (a machine dealing with time),
a watch is a time machine. A timer is a time machine. To an extent, even a
_computer_ is a time machine.
Ridiculous.
-Nathan Winant
I want sex, dammit. Any of you wymmyn going to take pity on me and head
over to my place for a night of hot Jedi lovin'? Not you, Garth.
Japanese raver chick or no, you're too dirtylittleoldmannish for me.
Despite the fact that you're neither dirty, little, or old. I'm too picky,
I know.
-Alloni Kramer
Okay, all you british peoples...
I've read the works of Douglas Adams.
I've watched countless hours of Monty Python and Black Adder.
I've visited London, twice.
I've gotten drunk with your people.
I've lusted after your women.
I've mercilessly mocked both the Germans and the French.
As a personal sacrifice, I've eaten one of your sausage sandwiches.
Hell, my grandfather was an officer in WWII, helping to win your damn war.
I've even added news.bbc.co.uk to my browser's homepage.
And _still_, nothing!
... What the hell do you have to do to get knighted?
-Nathan Winant
I rented "Head Cleaner". Not only was there no action, but the damn thing
wouldn't show anything on the screen. So I took it back and got another
copy. Same damn thing. Somebody needs to check the quality control
department at that video tape store.
-Josh Smith
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's anal probe...
-Nathan Winant
This reminds me, you figured in a dream of mine last night. You were a
giant yellow questionmark with an eyeball at the top. You were chasing an
old high school friend through a field. He was riding a cow. That's all I
remember.
-Felix
i think the internet is trying to ditch me. =(
-Nathan Winant
Hey, josh, what's the url for that one guy you're always quoting here? You
know, the curmudgeony old black guy in that online jewish newspaper, who
keeps bitching about how things were better in his day, kids respected
their elders, he had to walk 10 miles uphill every morning to the
sweatshop, etc., etc., etc.? He amuses me.
-Nathan Winant
last week, somebody dumped a fridge on the lake side by a bunch of bushes.
The fridge was door down, so it would be pretty hard to open. My first
reaction was "I wonder if there's a body in there?" My next reaction was
"What a great way to dump a body."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jesus, Jen. If you want me to murder you and dump your body in the woods
somewhere, why don't you just come right out and ASK???
-Nathan Winant
I think the hamsters are eating my laptop again. Luckily, I have no
laptop. Or hamsters.
-Alloni Kramer
note to self: work "Dear Sponge Cake Lover" into everyday conversation.
-Chris Wayne
I have also taken a liking to the Preponderous Mounds of Mammalia.
-Chris Wayne
To state for the record once more again: I have absolutely nothing
against gays, nongays, blackfolks, redfolks, whitefolks, yellowfolks,
anyotherfolks, members of any race, gender, and species, with the possible
exception of the germans, and short people. I tend to confuse them as
often as I feel like it, and if I should mock you on any such basis is no
proof of anything at all, least of which your feelings on the matter. I
look at you funny. Any attempt to claim non-groupness will simply be met
with further abuse. Free warning.
-Alloni Kramer
Just for the record, I also have nothing against anyone of any sort,
except for Jainist lesbian transvestites with green eyes who are 3/16
Irish, 3/16 Tanzanian, 3/16 Lakota Sioux, 3/16 Lithuanian, 3/16 Peruvian,
and 1/16 Mongolian, born on an even-numbered year between 1962 and 1974 on
the island of Guam. They should all be rounded up and shot. Twice.
-Chris Wayne
You know, you did it again. The day I sent out all these messages
imitating you, the power got knocked out AGAIN and took out the whole
grid, AGAIN, this time even taking out the streetlights. I'm blaming you,
because the last time this happened I was reading your website. Surely it
can't have anything to do with Amish terrorists.
-Chris Wayne
If you want to frame someone, don't do it as some kind of side-effect of a
greater crime. Commit a crime _fully_ with the intent of framing them.
Otherwise you spread yourself too thin and become too sloppy. I swear, you
kids these days, always trying to take the easy way to kill someone. Feh!
-Nathan Winant
Jen, why don't you just come right out and say it: "Nathan, I want to die,
please kill me." I mean, what's the worst case scenario? I say no?
-Nathan Winant
Here's an idea. Bludgeon or suffocate the victim to death. Then put them
in the fridge with a few food items -- a pot roast, a few fresh
vegetables, a quart of milk, etc. Put some rollers on the bottom of the
fridge, and then dump it at the bottom of a hill. Voila! The murder has
now become an "accident": the victim recently got a rolling fridge, leaned
in too far to get at some old pizza, got locked inside, and by banging
around inside in an attempt to escape, inadvertantly caused it to roll
downhill to their untimely demise! Perfectly reasonable, open-and-shut
case.
-Nathan Winant
They always look so surprised after they dig their own shallow graves.
-Chris Wayne
Stupid... like a FOX!
-Nathan Winant
Is it wrong to be sexually attracted to mini-me?
-Nathan Winant
Now, I think, is the time for me to provide some witty barbs aimed in your
direction, as you have aroused my ire by virtue of being in pennsylvania.
Luckily for you, I seem to have run low on barbs. Will you accept witty
spikes driven into the ground somewhere in your vicinity?
-Alloni Kramer
You crave my sponge cake?
-Chris Wayne
Definitely the first time that PA has ever been the cause of arousal.
-Chris Wayne
Ah. I see the distinction. Thank you Sensei. Your wisdom is like the peach
which the orangutan of cold logic plunges into the river of confusion.
-Chris Wayne
You want the actual date? That sounds fishy. Is this kind of sick twisted
plot to work us all into your astrological chart and determine your ideal
mate(s) and potential enemies? When the stars are right, you strike, like
Cthulhu, and attack at our weakest, when Orion rides high and Vega is dim?
You're the Zodiac killer, aren't you? AREN'T YOU???
-Chris Wayne
Well, you could try complaining to the National Alloni Administration, but
they'd probably just let me off with a slap on the wrist.
-Alloni Kramer
I want sponge cake, you whore.
-Nathan Winant
"Chris Wayne: come for his covert cia assassination techniques, stay for
the pie."
-Nathan Winant
"Chris Wayne: come for his covert cia assassination techniques, stay for
Jackie Onasis. Rrrawr."
-Nathan Winant
Oh, come on now. We can't ALL be the Zodiac Killer, now can we? Awwww,
what the hell! Much better inconsistent evidence that way.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I wonder what the compresison is on sponge cake.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No, no, I have entirely different plans for _your_ one-eighth-sized
clone...
-Nathan Winant
Inconsistency is the hobgoblin of large minds. Or something like that.
-Chris Wayne
Are you the evil mirror image of Bob Dole?
-Chris Wayne
I'm positive that I don't want to think about what that means. Thus, no.
Fuck off.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Bob Dole, due to stroke or injury, I know not which, cannot use his right
hand, which is generally seen holding a pen and used in gesticulation to
call attention away from its utter uselessness. As you clearly are quite
adept with your right hand, you must therefore be his mirror image, and
therefore must also be evil. I can only assume that you have a goatee.
-Chris Wayne
oo. Spankstress of Waffles. I'm liking that. All-Gnoming Spankstress of
Waffles. (And yes, I did steal All-Gnoming from ghx. I admit it. But I
*like* it.)
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have a problem with the whole statement. "In the land of the blind, the
one-eyed is king." What in the hell is that? Let's be real here. In the
land of the blind, the one-eyed are put away for hallucinating this whole
"sight" thing. That or he is forced to yell while everyone throws stones
at him.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (the witch! stone the seeing witch!)
Brainwashing. Brainwashing is the only solution.
-Alloni Kramer
snacky cake?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Come to me, my little Love Hedgehog!
-Alloni Kramer
The Love Hedgehog is under my toenail and you can't have him!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Finally, after centuries of dreaming I have obtained the Necronomicon.
Hail to the king, baby.
-Mark Doner
Could you do me a favor and summon dread Cthulhu for me? I could use a
sixpack. I'll pay you back the goat's blood. Thanks!
-Alloni Kramer
Tell you what. If you mess up on the preparations and dread Cthulhu eats
your soul, I'll buy a sixpack for you to make up for it. Of your choice,
even. It's the least I could do.
-Alloni Kramer
I saw a neat Curious George t-shirt today. "No fire! Just a naughty little
monkey," it said.
-Terri C. Sheep
Instant cappuccino frightens me. French vanilla decaf cappuccino is like
the devil in my underwear. I mean like the devil as my hairdresser.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted Short Story: (Nathan Winant)
Little Toby's Happy Day
It was a warm, sunny, beautiful day in the grassy Austrian foothills, and
Little Toby delighted in it. All day long he would prance about in his new
liederhosen, and run through the lush green fields as fast as his stubby
little legs could carry him! It was the summer, which meant he was on
holiday at his grandie's, and it was donut season, which meant that he
would get to play all day long with his little deep-fried friends. Little
Toby was the happiest little boy in the whole world!
One morning Little Toby was playing in the fields when he tripped over
something.
"Ouch!" said a little donut.
Toby looked down and there was a little donut, a little jelly-filled
donut!
"Gutentag, little donut!" said Toby.
"Gutentag!" said the donut.
"You're little, just like me!" said Toby.
"*You're* little, just like *me*!" said the donut.
"My name is Toby, and it is a beautiful summer day here in the grassy
foothills of Austria. Won't you come and play with me?"
The little donut giggled gleefully. "Ja, I most certainly would, Toby!" it
said.
"Ja!" said Toby.
Toby and the little donut spent all morning playing together! First they
chased each other, all around the big grassy field. Then they danced
around in little circles and sang drinking songs and nursery rhymes. Then
they played hide-and-go-find-you. Hide-and-go-find-you wasn't so much fun
since they were in the middle of a big grassy field, so after a little
while they went back to chasing each other. Little Toby and the little
donut had the most fun morning! But before long, they were tired.
"Whew!" said Little Toby.
"Ja, whew!" said the little donut.
They laid in the grass together for a while and told each other funny
stories and watched the beautiful fluffy clouds and rested. Then the donut
said, "Little Toby, you're my best friend ever!"
And then Little Toby said, "And you're *my* best friend ever!"
And then they both laughed!
"Mein himmel," said Little Toby, "it certainly is a beautiful day in the
grassy foothills of Austria! And my heavens, I am certainly tired after
that full morning of playing!"
"Ja," said the little donut, "it most certainly *is* a beautiful day in
the grassy foothills of Austria! And my heavens, I too am certainly tired
after that full morning of playing!"
"Ja", said Little Toby, "and hungry, too!"
"Ja," said the little donut, "as am I!"
A long, akward silence fell over the conversation.
After a moment, Toby looked over at the donut and said, "Yes... I
certainly am... _hungry_..."
"Well, don't eat *me*," giggled the little donut.
Little Toby didn't giggle with him.
The little donut stared at Toby with a look of terrified disbelief.
"You... you wouldn't eat *me*, would you?" the little donut asked.
Toby just silently stared at the little donut.
"Sweet Jesus, no! We... we were friends, Little Toby! We pranced around
through the lush, grassy fields together! We sang drinking songs and
nursery rhymes together!"
Toby just silently stared at the little donut.
"Oh, wait, I see!" said the little donut, "This is just a silly
make-believe game you are playing! Haha! It is fun, ja?" The little donut
giggled, nervously this time.
Little Toby's lips slowly pulled back into a large, toothy, maniacal
shark-like grin.
"Oh mein gott, no! No! Noooooo!"
In one fluid, catlike motion, Toby surged towards the little donut,
savagely ripping it open. A crimson jet of raspberry filling arced through
air!
"Nein! Nein! Please, Little Toby, please!"
But the Little Toby the donut knew was gone now, replaced with something
dark, something cruel. Toby raised the little donut to his mouth and took
it in, gripping it in a savagely beautiful death embrace while the little
donut screamed and cried and futily begged. In a matter of minutes, the
grisly spectacle concluded.
. . .
It was a warm, sunny, beautiful day in the grassy Austrian foothills, and
Little Toby was in a wonderful mood. The sun was warm and bright, the
grass was cool and green, and he was wearing his new liederhosen! Toby
paused, and wiped a small bit of raspberry jelly off his cheeks. "All I
need is somebody to play with," thought Little Toby. "I think I shall see
if I can find a new friend." And off Little Toby went, gaily prancing
through the fields, to find somebody to play with.
After all, he hadn't eaten since lunch.
Official Abducted Video Game: (Jonathan Mayer)
game idea: Brave New Sim City! Yeah! Construct-o-utopia ... at the
beginning of every year, you'd get to choose how many of what kinds of
humans you want your city to produce -- making your society more
homologous makes it more harmonious, but also more inflexible and
vulnerable to external changes. Mix in some repression, so that the
population doesn't get too happy and unproductive. Mood-altering
chemicals can be dropped into the watersupply at the cost of having to
expand the wings of your mental institutions.
If any particular subcultures within your city get too uppity you sick the
secret police on them. Constantly set up little straw-dog hot-button
issues for the populace to waste their time complaining about, just to
flush out and reprogram the radicals.
There could be many possible victory conditions -- one could be to utterly
stamp out free will and happiness. Another could be to advocate free will
and stamp out happiness. Another could be to maximize the number of
simmies your secret police are able to 'harvest' each year and feed to the
clandestine alien overlords.
Official Abducted Nathan-Mocking Oriental Person, Instead of Vice Versa:
(ghostxxx)
Nathan, his girlfriend and myself went to the vietnamese Pho restaurant on
Nathan's suggestion, as it is a great place to get food. Pho is a
vietnamese soup. I ordered the number 4: beef, bible tripe, soft tendon,
meatballs, and vermicelli. Nathan ordered the number 9: well done beef.
As soon as he ordererd the number 9, the waiter said in a thick accent
"You lika da Double Cheeseburger?"
Poor Nathan was so irate, and he had to stew over it for the next 35
minutes until we left. He couldnt believe the waiter had insulted him so
blatantly. I, on the other hand, was rolling with laughter, especially
when i looked at the waiter without looking at the menu, and guessed what
Nathan had ordered.
Waiter to the cook: "One white boy special"
Official Abducted Rant of Death: (Chris Wayne 'n Nathan Winant)
Chris said:
Nathan, you're a poopiehead.
Nathan said:
WTF?!? What'd I do to deserve that? That was totally uncalled for! That
does it. I'm sick of this shit!!!
Chris Wayne, you worthless tawdry little blowho BITCH, I'm gonna come down
there to gawd-freakin' pennsylvania or wherever the fuck you are, and I'm
gonna KICK YOUR ASS!!!!!!
Yeah, that's right, you little FUCKWAD! I'm gonna kick your FUCKIN'
ASS!!!!! You, and all your little commienazi homies -- I'm gonna kick ALL
your FUCKIN' ASSES!!!!! You fucking GODDAMN SPOOGESUCKING BITCHSLUT
ANALCUM DILDO HO!!!!!
Yeah, you heard me! I'm gonna get a big old fuckin' lead pipe, and I'm
gonna break your fuckin' kneecaps. Then I'm gonna dress you up in a
fuckin' cocktail dress, and I'm gonna drag you down the street, yelling
"Hey, everybody! Look at the fuckin' QUEER!!! He likes to TAKE IT UP THE
ASS FROM DONKEYS AND CHINAMEN!!!!! Hey everybody, this fucking little
WHORE isn't in touch with his own deeply repressed homoerotic urges and
can only express himself through the lewdest and most deviantly twisted
acts of PSEUDOSEXUAL FUCKIN' VIOLENCE!!! Hey everybody, I'm gonna KICK
THIS LITTLE PROM QUEEN'S FUCKIN' *ASS*!!!!!" And then I'm gonna drag you
down to your mother's place, and if she's not there to your girlfriend's,
and then if she's out or you don't have a girlfriend I'm gonna drag you
down to your work, and if you're unemployed then I'm gonna drag you down
to the fucking supermarket in front of all the soccer moms and old men
with hemorrhoid cream and shit, and I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKIN'
ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GODDAMN, I'm fuckin' pissed off! Right now -- right this FUCKIN' MINUTE,
CHRIS WAYNE!!! -- right now I'm gonna go down to the FUCKIN' bathroom, and
then I'm gonna FUCKIN' beat off, and then I'm gonna FUCKIN' hop in my
FUCKIN' CAR, and then I'm gonna FUCKIN' drive to FUCKIN' PENNSYLVANIA,
where I'm gonna fuckin' BEAT *YOU*!!!!! YOU LITTLE FUCKING SLUT WHORE
BITCH ASS FUCK ENTRY RECTAL FUCK ANAL CUM QUEER GODDAMN FUCKING BITCH
QUEEN!!!!!!!
GodDAMNIT, I'm fuckin' pissed off!
Chris said:
I'm sorry. I would never intentionally say you were a poopiehead.
What I meant to say is that you're a doodieface. And a peepeebrain.
Again, my apologies.
Nathan said:
Oh.
Oh, my. That's quite different altogether. Thank heavens I've been
checking my abducted email on this laptop while stopped in a Motel 6 for
the night.
My heavens, how embarrassing. Chris, I'm quite sorry for my reaction. I'm
sure you can understand how I might... under the apparent circumstances
and all... well... no matter. My behavior was uncalled for, and I
apologize. I only hope we can put this unfortunate misunderstanding behind
us, and move forward with our relationship. It means to much to me to just
throw away over one silly little fight -- I hope you feel the same way.
I love you, Chris Wayne. I. love. YOU.
... Oh, and for that "peepeebrain" comment I will have you violated by a
pack of inebriated, corpulent welshmen, but that's just business. I hope
you understand.
Official Abducted Cult of Terri: (Nathan Winant)
Terri C. Sheep, I love you. You are a wonderful, intelligent, odd
individual, and you fill my heart with hope for the future.
When canada rules the united states, and you in turn rule canada, remember
that there were those of us who treated you with offbeat kindness and
passive respect. As your maple-leafed, armored raze-o-tractors cut wicked
swaths of pain and destruction throughout the Old Empire, please do
remember that there are small pockets of disturbed righteousness within
the american cultural amalgam that may be worth salvaging. Whatever the
case, in the future -- a time of trial for some, a dawning victory for
others -- I pray we can all remember a time however brief when we, as a
small cross-cultural coterie of like-minded individuals, lived in blissful
harmony.
... oh yes. and if it's not too much trouble, do see if you could send
down a small commando squad to australia to pimpslap some of that horrid
arrogance out of felix. A humanitarian mission, if you will. Okay, that's
it. Thanks.
Official Abducted Cult of Terri, part II: (Terri C. Sheep)
Do not worry, fair Abducted. You will all have places in the Great Kingdom
of New Canada. You, and a few other select friends, shall form my
government.
Terri C. Sheep - Queen of the Great Kingdom of New Canada
Nathan - The Man - Prince of the GKNC, "Big Brother"
Sir Alloni - Director of Propaganda, Royal Monkey
Eyedunno - Head, "Agricultural" Department
Jennifer - Head Smiter, Medical Encyclopedia
Bean - Anger Distribution, Nicotine Withdrawl Dept.
Smiley - Royal Composer
Grey - a shadow. a mystery.
Garth - The Voice of Reason
Chris Wayne - I'll think of something...
Khanh - unable to be there - being held, shrink wrapped, in Durian's
basement
Felix, and his "Felix Army", unfortunately pose a threat to the Kingdom.
Therefore, they must be eliminated.
Official Abducted Cult of grey: (greyrose)
That's right. Be more like me, and YOU WILL GET LAID. Join the Cult of
Grey today, and I guarantee not just one night of sex in the following
year, but TWO TO THREE.
Her'es how to begin:
dye your hair red
grow boobs
get hips
(yes, this includes those of you BOYLIKE looking girls, you must GROW
BOOBS and GET HIPS. It is *essential* to teh entire plan. trust me on
this one) (and yes, this probably includes you BOYLIKE looking boys -
after all, if you can't love anyone else, you can always love yourself,
right?)
drop any of the following into conversation with any male sought to
conquer:
random info about cars
random info about tcp/ip networking
random info about electronic music
random info about setereo equipemnt
drop any of the following into conversation with any female sought
to conquer:
um. i dunno. malls? women are lame. i have no idea what the keywords are.
i only know if i lwearn to weld i'l be able to take over the world.
Official Abducted Thread That Amused, Yet Disturbed: (Josh Smith)
Josh Smith masturbating.
Official Abducted Torrent of Vitriol: (Alloni Kramer)
You taunt me at your peril, something something. I, I, I clean your linen
closet with my casserole. You can't comprehend the wonders of the natural
world in this context. French is your middle name.
No, it just isn't working. I can't unleash a torrent of vitriol when I
feel this laid back.
Drugged even.
Garth! What have you done? What evils have you unleashed into the world?
How did you get access to my toast?
Why is it that whenever we mention drugs, we blame Garth? This is unfair
and childish. We should blame... Amy.
Amy! What have you done? What evils have you unleashed into the world?
How did you get access to my toast?
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