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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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And yes, Arthur will rise again to save England in it's hour of direst
need. It's all tied up with Muslims and the third world war. And
Gnomes, of course.
-Felix
Ah ha! I suppose you didn't know about the Ley line concentrations
under Silsbury Hill either? Or the fat lady publican just outside of
White Horse who refuses to serve lunch on Sunday afternoons? "Oh no
Sir, We can't possibly serve food."
-Felix
Bah. As enjoyable as it may be, accidental torching isn't as fun as
intentional malice.
-Josh Smith
I did get unsubbed. Damn those monkeys.
-Bean
Woo-hoo! The Gnomes are talking about me again!
-Mary W. Hodges
Yes, Alloni will be dancing because we'll all be dead. DEAD! DEAD, DO
YOU HEAR? Mere pawns in his insidious game. He gets to commune with
the goddess and we're gushing blood on the floor. I'm not cleaning
that up THIS time, buster. You can clean up your own bloody mess!
-Mary W. Hodges
Then again, I'll bet there is a real market for soulless japanese
raver chicks.
-Elizabeth Leal
You gotta watch out when I get like this. The last time I was this
riled up about an issue, I ended up anonymously writing documents in
its faovr, changing schools, working undercover for three years and
finally toppling the system to the ground. Basically, what I'm saying,
is that I am emensely ornery and stubborn. But I'm sure none of you
noticed that yet.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You oughtta write a cookbook. _The Art of Cooking the Author of the
Art of War_.
-Josh Smith
Get Robert Pirsig to ghostwrite it. Call it _Zen and the Art of
Cooking the Author of the Art of War_.
-Alloni Kramer
Too bad National Masturbation Month was FEBRUARY.
-Josh Smith
I'm much cuter when I'm frantic.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, good then. I didn't want to be the world's first undead maid.
-Mary W. Hodges
Marry me and you'll have your very own undead maid.
-Garth
There's always Garth.
Forever and ever, amen.
-Alloni 'n Garth
am i the only one who think clitoris munching sounds painful?
-Amy R. Dawson (dearly departed)
You're not rid of me yet you bastards!
MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..*crack*...ow, i think i've hurt myself.
Crack kills, you know.
-Khanh Nguyen 'n Josh Smith
Isn't it ironic that those of us who want to get away, can't and those
of us who want to stay, keep getting kicked off?
-Mary W. Hodges
I'm gonna shut up now.
-Josh Smith
Donuts and Asteroids, supplemented with Finite Hyperbolic Space.
"That's something my body needs anyway!"
-R&J Gassaway
I must now state my new opinion that all efforts toward the perfection
of AI should be diverted to finding more efficient ways to use the old
standards of pencils and paper.
-Josh Smith
Yes. Wetware. And since the man's brain is in his penis, it's wet in
more ways than one.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I got yer wet processor right here baby.
-Khanh Nguyen
Behind every good man is some bitch manipulating the hell out of him.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's Easter. Javier is rising from the grave. Err ... Jesus, I mean.
-Fade
Aw, come on. I'd vote for a goth chick with geisha hair to be galactic
empress. Hell yeah.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You don't want to leave abducted. Why would anyone possibly want to
leave abducted?
-Elizabeth Leal
why does she want to unsub?! why is she leaving us?! I was just
starting to actually LIKE her!
No kidding. She hasn't even had sex with us yet.
-Bean 'n Jonathan
The Matrix rips off every great science fiction film shot this
century. But it does it well, so it qualifies as "homage."
-Jonathan Mayer (sincerest form of flattery)
the cave which is guarded by the pudgy pink dwarf?
-Jonathan Mayer
I've been horribly mutilated by the boobs of death in my dreams, by
the way.
-Jonathan Mayer
I have to have a liscence to carry concealed weapons, just to wear a
shirt.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You don't need luck. You need only wait for your body to recover its
vital fluids.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
CGI is the new LSD.
-Jonathan Mayer
I predict ridicule.
-Josh Smith
I'm going insane tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.
Jesus, will that be a change...
-Alloni 'n Josh
Hah. I got a French milk frother. "End Froth Frustration Forever!"
-Terri C. Sheep
Actually, that's not true. I want your secrets, Josh Smith.
-Terri C. Sheep
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate ^easter chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate
-Terri C. Sheep (she has a point)
Would anyone like to join me for som eroast suckling pig on the
verandah?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Careful, or I will exhale little flapping birds at you.
-Alloni Kramer
It is bad to try to discuss your slight paranoia about internet trails
with an exboyfriend that constantly interrupts and who was so paranoid
in high school that he was nicknamed Little Hitler. Just thought I'd
let you know so you could avoid it in the future. This community
service message has been brought to you by Pumpernickel Cola, the only
carbonated drink that tastes like bread.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Clearly nobody loves me anymore.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (you know it, babe)
Either that or Easter is a love-free environment.
-Felix
What about Japanese ravers chicks (assuming Nathan pays for the
operation) with four souls?
-Chris Wayne
In dreams I have gills in my nose. Does that count?
-Jennnifer Lynn Larkin
When I worked in the porn shop, this guy came in about once a month to
purchase magazines, usually dominatrix-themed stuff. His arms were
maybe about 6-8" long and ended in two fingers each. I assume he was a
product of thalidomide. They called him "Lobsterboy", but I preferred
"T-Rex". Kids can be so cruel. We spent many a night trying to figure
out how he masturbates.
-Chris Wayne (mmmmmmmm. cruelty.)
You can't base the foundation of an eternal empire of darkness and
evil on cuteness alone.
And that my friends, is the biggest lie *ever*.
-Chris 'n grey
But if you are cute like me, not just cute but using cuteness
cunningly, evil domination is easy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Do you smell bad after a few days? Are you rich with Omega-3 fatty
acids? Do you ever feel like a cannibal when eating sushi?
-Chris Wayne
All right, I'll admit that cuteness can be an excellent tool, but it
accomplishes nothing without some substance underneath.
-Chris Wayne
So why exactly would you want to explain the concept of blueness to
the blind? Just for blatant cruelty?
-Chris Wayne
Just wait. In sixty or seventy years you'll be DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!
muahauahaahhaha!! Vengeance is mine!
-Chris Wayne
Die, running pigdog lackey of the imperialist bourgeoisie!
-Mark Doner (communist dogma is funny)
I'm not going to stand for that kind of abuse. That's over the line.
You better take back that part about running. The nerve.
-Chris Wayne
You aren't convinced. You must deny objective reality. Yay!
-Mark Doner
"But... what if the superuser is evil?"
-Nathan Winant (ah, memories)
Hey, if you can't deny reality, what can you deny?
-Chris Wayne
Gak. is my new word. I like it. It is spelled with a ..
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Open your mouth when you lie. It's not polite to mumble.
-Chris Wayne
It's also not polite to lie. I don't let the more's of civilized
society stand in my way. This explains my arrest record.
-Alloni Kramer
It is a well-known fact that security guards spend most of their
shifts sitting around masturbating. This guard must have stepped into
one of his own puddles, leaving ample DNA on his shoe.
-Chris Wayne
That's obscene. I mean, Christmas, OK, maybe, but Good Friday?? How
many three day weekends do people get? To cut out a major drinking
day, why that's, that's, that's SACRILEGE. And why just the Christian
holidays? Every Jewish Australian should riot in the streets and
demand alcohol, as it was promised by God.
-Chris Wayne
Heathen. You are suppose to drink red wine and envision you are
bathing your internals in the blood of christ, for yea, salvation will
soon be upon ye.
-Felix
There is no Area 51. And if there was, it would be a really long
drive. I think it's like 400 miles from LA. Not that Area 51 exists.
Because it doesn't.
-Chris Wayne
I feel morage outrage at your moral outrage.
-Felix
Stop whispering. You are causing Cyclones in Indonesia.
-Felix
I'm very devout. I went to a church a while ago, and whilst I was
pissing in the holy water I had a revelation. A giant white light
surrounded me and I was taken to this holy place where these huge-eyed
angels prodded me with the stick of God and bade me to be good to
others. I was then immediately commanded to cut the heads of 25
infidel muslims, and to gut 5 shao-lin monks and hang their entrails
about the neck of the statue of the most holy mother of christ. On
the way home I punched someone for no reason. For strange is the way
of our Lord.
-Felix
I wanted Godzilla to breath fire.
-Garth
It's not as easy to get arrested around Area 51 as you'd think. The
guards are just as likely to pull down your britches on the spot and
paddle you something fierce. ... I mean, I _think_ it was Area 51...
-Nathan Winant
Clearly, Jen does _not_ believe in life after love.
-Nathan Winant
That's because I'm taking this Love and Death class this semester and
I have discovered that love=death. Don't give in.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Everyone just be quiet for a few hours.
Should I turn off the train whistles and authentic
Room-Swaying-Motion?
-Garth 'n grey
I occasoinally get cravings for fake orange flavoring.
-grey
So we were driving through the desert, somewhere between Phoenix and
LA. There's quite a bit of it, desert, you know. Out there. Between
Phoenix and LA. And we were listening to the Red House Painters, which
was tremendously depressing. So I opened the window, and stuck my head
out. It was rather cold, as we were going nearly 90MPH, but it smelled
really interesting. Like dry, like dust... I said I wanted to stop and
pick up a rock, but Andre just looked at me like I was insane. I said
I picked up rocks from the ocean all the time but i didn't have any
from the desert. He just kept driving. That's your present.
-grey
It was based on "Emma" a cyberpunk screenplay written by Shakespeare.
And inspired by Elizabethan England, with minor influences by huge
Alien Totem Poles.
-grey 'n Felix
Hey's got a good point. Why aren't we talking about paranormality?
What IS wrong with us? Our minds! They've siezed control of our
minds! Zoiks! Let's get out of here!
-Jonathan Mayer
I want your life, Felix.
-grey (vampire)
Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm sure when SkyNet had completed the
first T1000 prototype, it immediately thought to itself, "Cool! Now I
can make all kinds of cheesy pissant cornball robots! Wow! THAT'll
scare 'em!... Hey! I know! I can send a NUCLEAR SMURF BACK IN TIME!
How deliciously KITSCHY!" This, then, is the true horror of the SkyNet
future: humanity forever crushed beneath the iron heel of a flamingly
po-mo sf soma cpu.
-Nathan Winant
Not that liquid metal microwave burritos don't have their
applications, buuuuut....
-Nathan Winant
He's gone. Must kill.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Clearly we need to advertise falsely more often.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No. But I'm pouting until I get one. pout pout. sniffle. nobody loves
me anymore. sniff. pout. and I'm so cute too. i just don't understand
why nobody loves me. sniffle. pout pout. *SNORK*. oo. dainty. now my
nose is running too.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Sorry, no. You've broken the Village People code of dress that is
hardwired into The SkyNet Humanity Crushing System(tm!)
-Nathan Winant
Then what the hell is SkyNet doing flushing hundreds of pounds of it
down the temporal toilet? I'm sorry, but the big SN strikes me more
like the spoiled, middle-aged british rockstar type. Or Felix. Same
difference.
-Nathan Winant
Stealth boat my ass.
-Garth (command?)
Need is such a messy word.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
He is purty. We could invest in a nice ball gag.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (keanu, she means)
At first I thought, "These girls are sick." Then I figured out what a
ball gag was. Not that you aren't still sick, I'm just not as bothered
by it.
-Garth
Actually The Village People originally had a giant bug, a dog and a
cowboy. The giant bug went to prison after mating with the cowboy and
chewing his head off. (The giant bug says he was framed and that it
was really the construction worker who killed him.) They fired the dog
because it wouldn't learn the choreography and he kept pissing on the
amps.
-Garth
What if memetic hyper alloy is a controlled substance and to expensive
for Skynet to score more than a few grams.
Then what the hell is SkyNet doing flushing hundreds of pounds of it
down the temporal toilet?
A police raid.
-Garth 'n Nathan 'n Garth
Tha was pretty close there Garth. If you said we aren't sick we'd be
forced to -- um -- do something about it. Yeah.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'd like to be Skynet, and a spoiled (not so middle aged) rockstar.
Then I could buy myself a castle somewhere out near Wales. I would
have two or three rooms turned into a pub. There would be a massive
sound system and dancefloor in the dungeon. I would invite abductees
over for beer and music. I'd even pay. After all, I'm a rock star.
Wouldn't that be cool? Kiddies? Huh?
-Felix
Well I know that its "ball gag" like "corn oil" but I first read it
like "baby oil".
-Garth
Did you do well on the analogy portions of the SAT? *trying really
hard to picture a ball gag* Hmrmmmrrnnn.
-grey
As surely as fruit flies like a bananna.
-Garth
The other day I saw a newspaper (maybe the New York Times) that called
Milosevic "Slobo". Slobo. It sound like a clown hosting a kids'
cartoon show: "Uncle Slobo's Playhouse of Genocide".
-Chris Wayne
Hobo humping slobo babe?
-grey
Put a bunch of schwa corporation logos on blivit. And a sign that
says "Come to Abducted for a ride on the Pleasure Saucers"...
-Josh Smith
The Spice Girls would be so much cooler if they were
lesbians.............
-Nathan Winant
ditto... is what I would say if I were a chick or gay or something.
But I'm not, so I can't relate. sorry.
-Kevin
Was the dog Jewish?
-Chris Wayne
If you're going to be rude, you may as well be polite about it.
-Chris Wayne
For me, it explains a long trail of dead cops. That reminds me, I have
to clean out my trunk.
-Chris Wayne
My next favorite is the one with the guy inserting glass rods into
young boys penises and breaking the glass.
I think I speak for all men when I say: ouch.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
I love the smell of Jesus in the morning. It smells like... victory!
-Nathan Winant
Yeah. You say that now, mister... WHILE I WAITED UP ALL NIGHT LAST
FRIDAY FOR THE ABDUCTED SEX ORGY PARTICIPANTS WHO DIDN'T EVEN SHOW
UP!!!?! Fine... I see how you are...
-Michael Hale
joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy.
happy happy happy happy happy happy happy.
gliiiick gleeeeeek squaaaaaaak vrooooooom.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (don't hide your feelings. tell us how you really
feel.)
I only heard one "woah" But you know. There is no "woah".
-grey
So, I guess that means I'm Godzilla. But Garth is Godzilla.
Therefore... We are all Garth.
-Chris Wayne (_now_ he gets it.)
Somehow, I doubt that an encyclopedic knowledge of the workings of
Middle Earth and the sacred rites of D&D would be much good against
skull-crushing mechanical hunter-seekers.
-Chris Wayne
Besides, the comic says that God's kingdom will overthrow the
governments of the earth, which are controlled by Satan. Since most of
those governments prohibit drug use, wouldn't that imply that it's
SATAN, not God, who wants to prevent us from using drugs? So this is
really SATANIC PROPAGANDA, trying to turn us away from the holy work
of the LORD! Praise Jesus! Praise His name! Can I get an Amen? I said,
can I get an AMEN! For it is written: "Not that which goeth into the
mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this
defileth a man." (Matt. 15:11) Jesus wants you to hit the bong! Exhale
through your nose! Keep your mouth closed, lest you defile yourself!
Here endeth the lesson.
-Chris Wayne
No, no, no. Keanu isn't a lurker. He's one of us. Someone we all
trust. Someone we would never suspect. Someone in a position of
influence, possibly even power. Everyone looks up to this person.
People even grovel occasionally. Someone who takes this opportunity to
escape the madness that is imposed upon him by his screen persona to
engage in madness of a different and more refined kind. Someone
like... uh oh.
-Alloni Kramer
This is truly beautiful. My life is changed completely. Suddenly, new
doors are opening for me and my heart feels lighter. I am overcome by
the light. I see God in a new light now. He is all good and I mean
that in the ambiguous way. Yes, the Lord is talking to me. I hear him
clearly now. He is saying that I should follow him and follow his
ways; that I should give up sin and get stoned all day instead. God,
you see, is much misinterpreted and he is speaking to me to set things
right. He says "Jennifereth, thou shalt follow mine laws. Thou shalt
obey mine word. And when thou are done, I shalt have smote thee
verily. So it ith written and so it shalt be-eth." (Urc. 4:99) Praise
the Lord! I have seen the light!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh, goody. "Hey, Alloni! Because of the fact that you're a worthless
pack rat that when he gets into something obsessively purchases
everything connected to that thing, even if every source assures you
that you would get better bang for your buck from Velveeta Cheezy Dog
Leavings (New! With extra cat gristle!), you've managed to collect
enough items in that category that no longer have the slightest use to
you, outside of really really uncomfortable toilet paper. I mean, I
suppose you could reread them, but there's no point, since the
mentality required to enjoy doing so is gone, and you currently have
no incentive to get back into it, inasmuch as all the games you get
involved in spontaneously selfdestruct 39 seconds after they start.
Keeping all that in mind, you want me to grab a few more reminders of
your pretentious past for you to add to a pile which is already large
enough to break the backs of all the slavelike inhabitants of any
latin american country? They're half price!"
-Alloni Kramer
I think SkyNet ought to make little tiny terminators and disguise them
as My Little Pony dolls. I can't really think of a _reason_ for this,
it just seems like it would be funny.
-Nathan Winant
That's how Satan gets souls, you know. He flatters them, and then
sucks them out of bodies with a straw. A long straw. That's why you
need such a long spoon, so you can stay out of straw range. I'm
talking one of those giant pixie stick sorta straw things. That's why
giant novelty spoons are so important.
-Alloni Kramer
My teacher said smote AND gnomes. It was a good day.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
i notice that the cure 'boys don'tcry' is on. about 2 seconds later,
andre notices this, and about 2 seconds after that, chris notices.
andre and chris stand, transfixed, staring at the monitor with the
video, bobbing their heads and singing. at one point i was fairly sure
chris was going to start dancing. they stood there until the song
ended and then walked away as if nothing had happened.
-grey (receiving instructions)
Nah, all you have to do is defecate while having sex with your parents
and a cocker spaniel at Yale. Lick an eyeball too.
-Chris Wayne
But I can't even imagine how I could get a lower score without getting
humped by a dog on top of a coffin in a church, handcuffed to a
geranium and singing the Star Spangled Banner, with the preacher
burning a flag over my head and occasionally joining in.
*sigh* that brings back memories.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Woohoo! I suck!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I seem to recall some mythology about a races of divine pincer-handed
builders who helped to construct the universe. But I might be on
crack.
-Jonathan Mayer
It's much harder for me to hit on you when you're not here. OK, it's
not exactly *harder*, but it is much less effective.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Further evidence that Jesus was Satan: "Yes, we want you to stay pure
until the sacrif-- mmmmarriage! yeah!"
-Jonathan Mayer
Chris Wayne, you're a life-saver!
Actually, I'm a tootsie roll.
-Josh 'n Chris
I just said this to my mother: "Gay guys are usually pretty anal about
their asses." Duh.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So I'm driving along, minding my own business. On the opposite side of
the road, an Amish boy, maybe 15 or 16, is riding a bicycle when he
suddenly hits a pothole or rock or something and LAUNCHES himself over
the handlebars, his little straw hat flying away in the breeze from
passing cars. I laughed so hard I almost had to pull over. What would
have been really funny is if he had landed in one of the myriad piles
of horseshit which line the shoulders of every road in town. Damn
buggies.
-Chris Wayne (saint and scholar)
Like "fucked a tree?"
What's wrong with that? We were young. I needed the money.
-Jenn 'n Chris
Don't you mean "why buy the cow when you can exsaguinate it and remove
its rectum and uterus with surgical precision?"
-Chris Wayne
I like the part where he's debating whether or not to eat the piece of
foreskin.
-Josh Smith
I'm still waiting for my free CD, dammit. (Forgive me, oh great
musical star. What I meant to say: Lo, though I am unworthy to shine
your boots with my spittle, though your words come to my ears like the
finest golden notes from afar, though you have the power to heal the
sick and raise the dead, I still haven't gotten my free CD, dammit.)
-Alloni Kramer
Why does it not surprise me that you have a disembodied penis
collection in your closet?
-Chris Wayne (re: Jen)
The best part is when I can say "Hey! I've got your penis under my
bed!" really loud in public.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
What about explicit lesbian pornography involving dead fish?
-Chris Wayne
Life is easier when you cheat. Now must talk self out of cheating.
Don't try very hard. Remember, life is easier when you cheat.
-Alloni 'n Chris
I wrote a faust story for my faust class a few years back. In the end
faust is saved in that he isn't saved. He rejects god and the devil
and rides off in a pleasure saucer to become an overman.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My youth is wasting away in a beige cubicle in a gray building with no
windows... That and various classrooms in this seemingly neverending
torture chamber referred to as higher "Education".
-Trevor Walton (pity him)
Me and beaches don't get along. I'm too goth for beaches. Sunny
beaches at least. I get along fabulously with room temperature
overcast beaches.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Great. Now Jon's scaring the people with a sex life. Great.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You know, on due reflection, it was rude of me to complain about not
getting free stuff. I should have insulted your mother first.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm too pure to take a purity test to work out my purity score.
-Felix
Screw that. The road less travelled has no 7-11s.
-Chris Wayne
You should use a stable OS like Windows 98HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsorry about that.
-Chris Wayne
Now what kind of father would I be if I didn't make you pay for my
love? At least I didn't make you fight to the death with your siblings
like I usually do. Nothing is worthwhile if you don't earn it.
Fatherly advice, free of charge. Just to show I care.
-Chris Wayne (logical dilemma)
It is the nature of fatherly advice to be filled with witty aphorisms,
cliches, and pointless anecdotes, yet be utterly worthless in any real
sense, even outright self-contradictory.
-Chris Wayne
Well, you don't want it to be TOO deep. The horses could drown.
-Chris Wayne
But I meant that in a purely platonic sense. And I gave you the
flavored condoms and whipped cream because I figured you'd like the
TASTE.
-Josh Smith
No, I'd put that in my scrotum to look like a giant third testicle.
Either that or I'd eat it and save the lens for later.
-Josh Smith (eyeballing)
I loved high school biology. When we dissected fetal pigs, the teacher
said we could what ever we wanted with them once we finished our
exams. So I turned mine inside out.
-Chris Wayne
Like what's your
purity test score?
Are you experienced?
Are you Jimmy Ray?
Are you Martha Ray?
Are you Charlotte Ray?
Pack up the code
I'll meet you below
Riding on the Metro-oh-oh.
Bokka-chu bokka-chu.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (waxing poetic)
There's a chance I might become year-king. Reign as king for one
year, having all my orders be carried out, and then get killed at the
end of it to ensure a fruitful next year. I can live with that.
-Alloni Kramer
If you had a drug that would permanently, irrevocably change the way
you saw the world, would you take it? Would you share it with your
friends on abducted?
-Jonathan Mayer
In an interesting bit of irony, my ex-boss wants me to copy the
copyright pages from Netscape.
-Alloni Kramer
"Chris what are you doing in there?" "Nothing Ma, just predicting the
future."
-Garth
(must not slip into another Python war, must resist must be strong) I
don't like them, they wet their nests. (damn)
-Garth
My truth's better than yours. Nyah nyah. Heathen.
-Jonathan Mayer
For all your laughs, I have enough RAM that my Win98 is actually
fairly stable. So there.
I didn't realize that much RAM existed.
-Josh 'n Jen
Well I'm guessing my eyeball is at least a BIT larger than my testes.
I can't be sure, because I'm trying to project the visible portion of
my eyeball into a spherical shape. A perfectly spherical testicle and
an oblong eyeball tattooed like an 8-ball would still be neat. Or
not.
-Josh Smith
Would you jump off the roof of a tall building if your friends did
too?
-Jonathan Mayer
I have been promoted to head Gnomish underling on my continent. All
must obey me. I have been told that one day i may get promoted to an
Under-Gnome of the lowest class. Since becoming a Gnome, even the
lowest class, is an honor, and since even the best human is below the
lowest Gnome, I will accept the honor.
-ghostxxx
How about... Is the sentience behind the Matrix gay? Bet you haven't
go that one.
-Garth
An eeeeevil gay matrix?
-Jonathan Mayer
The Matrix is evil, gay, and Australian.
-Felix (adding on)
I'm now afraid to read the rest of my mail... please tell me this
didn't turn into a survey of the genital size fof abductees...
-grey
I'm being logical. It's baffling. I may try to escape the clutching
claws of capitalism. On the other hand, I'm hungry. Maybe I'll
succumb to the clutching claws of capitalism. Yes. Give in. It's so
much easier. Surrender to the system, and the system will take care
of you. Wait! There are pretzels to steal! I can avoid the ccs of c
for a little while yet. A short while, admittedly.
-Alloni Kramer
But hell, everybody discuss your genitalia!
-Josh Smith
Barreling along through a maelstrom of broken peanuts, he lands in a
strange area, not unakin to a grassy paddock. The eddies and flows of
ideas and knowledge flow around him like a Hey, did you know that my
pencil needs sharpening? There, I've done it. Now back to my
candour.
-Felix
My response to nookie makes the file exactly 69 bytes long. Just
thought I'd share.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
woo hoo! free nookie! that's even better than free ben'n'jerry's!
-Jonathan Mayer
I came into work this morning and noticed the word "veal" stuck to my
monitor.
-Felix
I only eat cute guys. I mean food.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'll bring the cherries garcia if you bring the flaming sheep in
wolf's clothing.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hey! You there! Stop! I am a security gourd! You will bend to my will!
Or I'm taking you out of it!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
okay. its all there. rape! pillage! pillory!
-Jonathan Mayer
My mom sucked. She believed that by cooking with herbs and spices, a
person is doing the devil's work.
-Josh Smith
Whenever I see his name I always think of giant pickles.
-Mary W. Hodges (re: gibo, gone but not forgotten)
Gimmie address. I upload. I upload you long time.
-Kevin
When we're mocking midgets, how can Gary Coleman not be involved?
-Alloni Kramer
Actually, in _most_ cases (I will be leniant with everyone I knew
personally in my former [present] life), the sacrificial offering of
their 10th born child must be given to me every time we meet.
Non-compliance will result in the smiting of one's relatives and the
decrease in faction amongst the bearclaw and jelly glazed donut
society. So sayeth the Under Gnome.
-ghostxxx
On April 27th, as thousands of kosovan refugees starve, let's stuff
ourselves so full of delicious Ben and Jerry's ice cream that we puke
milky-white chowder up in the streets! God bless America! Huzz-ah!
-Jonathan Mayer
Now, Ms. Chainmail Bikini, that's just going TOO FAR. some have called
me a perl script, and others have suspected me of being any number of
other people, but saying that Mary is not only me, but that she is a
replication of my perl script? that is utterly out of line and
uncalled for.
-grey
Proctocutioners
Stoic sentinels in wait
Rectal justice served
-Nathan Winant (getting into the renga late)
on the subject of fast food dudes, my theory about Dave Thomas, the
Wendy's guy. He's DEAD. he's been dead for a long time, they're just
putting clips of him from old commericals into the new ones. THEY
don't want us to know that Dave is dead. It's all quite sad.
-Bean
This is clearly the case with Les Schwab (a rather plump and elderly
cowboy tire magnet). They've got him stuffed, driving around in a jeep
in the desert. He looks like a meat muppet.
-R&J Gassaway
Dave is supreme coolness. Wendy, on the other hand, is pure evil. Her
stare! Her bone-chilling stare. Sitting at JFK airport, waiting for my
flight back to Toronto, five cents in my pocket. A milkshake for lunch
and no money for dinner. Torment. A candy store, and amazing candy
store. And Wendy. Glaring at me. Taunting me.
-Terri C. Sheep
Hmmm... He *could* be dead. I mean, they are Wendy's people. *They*
would be the very people behind the conspiracy. Yeah. "I met Dave!"
Hah! Probably what she really meant was that one afternoon she and her
dad were looking to get some kicks, so they went down to the secret
tomb in the Wendy's Head Office to poke Dave's mummified body with
sticks.
-Terri C. Sheep
So, let me get this straight. If I'm not polite to you you smite my
relatives?
-Alloni Kramer (sounds like a good deal to me)
My high school yearbook is signed with death threats from various
prominent mafia figures. I wonder what happened to those guys?
-Josh Smith
TELL ALL, NATHAN OF THE WOLVES.
-grey
I'd just like to point out that it's jm's left testicle, not mine,
that we're talking about here. Just to make it clear. I'm rather fond
of mine. I'd never trade them for less than an arm.
-Chris Wayne
I love you all. Each and every one of you. And don't let me tell you
otherwise. And, while you're feeling good about this, can I borrow
some spare change? I will gladly repay you Tuesday.
-Alloni Kramer
A goal in hockey is somewhat orgasmic.
-Khanh Nguyen
I would check with a ruler, but I'm at work just at the moment, and
the accountant is doing accounting thingses, and she's new at the job,
and I wouldn't want her to beome fearful of her chosen profession, and
have to move into lion taming instead, and get eaten on stage by a
lion, which would get her arrested, and then she'd rot in jail, and
she's kinda cute, in a beaten-down-by-the-man sorta way.
-Alloni Kramer
Hmm. By that do you mean that you require money to eat? Hah! I laugh
at you without ingenuity. There is one simple solution to this problem
- eat yourself. If you remove a small chunk of flesh from a meaty part
of your body, you should be able to feed yourself quite well for at
least a day or two, depending on the size of the piece you cut off. In
terms of preparation, I would recommend the barbeque. You want that
smokey flavour. To that effect, I would also recommend Bullseye
Hickory Smoke sauce. Of course, if you must have food, you can always
turn to a life of crime.
-Terri C. Sheep
Now don't you start beating me up with Nathan's penis. If anybody's
gonna do that, it should be Nathan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't worry, baby. I'll change, I really will. For real this time. ...
say, could you get me a beer, darlin'?
-Nathan Winant
Tell you what. I'll stop calling you "baby" if you start calling me
"m'lord". Deal?
-Nathan Winant
I used to think heaven was eating raw fish directly off the quivering
naked flesh of my favorite sushi waitresses. But that ain't nothing
like a farmer's daughter with a rack ... of ribs. Covered in sticky
BBQ sauce, of course.
-Jonathan Mayer (mmmmmmmmmm)
at 30-32 hours he started thinking he had a girlfriend, when in fact,
it was a gnome in a rubber suit deployed for a recon mission to find
out about Nathan's shoe powers.
-ghostxxx
Its a recent thing, my relative height deficit. Because gnomes are
diminutive compared to humans, they told me I could only join if I had
the portion of my legs below my knees amputated. you see, gnomes have
so much power, that if they were human sized, their aura would
literally warp the surrounding matter. If too many congregated, rips
in space-time would occur. Last time the gnomes had a family reuinion,
they created the current universe we live in. They refer to that event
as the "Small Explosion from the party where Frank drank too much
beer"
-ghostxxx (being short and gnomic)
It's weird. I was sending messages and getting nothing back. Like an
unfulfilling lover. I've been pouring little bits of my brain into a
void.
-Mary W. Hodges
"Somehow I knew things would never be the same after having my eyeball
licked."
-Terri C. Sheep
I'm pretty sure it's Listerine. Isn't the atmosphere made of
Listerine? You mean I've been lied to this whole time?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I want to go to my 10 year reunion and have sex with at least one of
the women I lusted after in high school. "The gyms over this way..."
-Jonathan Mayer
Normally, that would not be a problem, except you were talking
something German, and inexactitude is a capital offense in Germany.
The Germans are sort of anal about, well, just about everything. Or do
you want to be extradited and executed under Article 47 of the Berlin
Exactitude, Promptitude, and Rectitude Act of 1936?
-Chris Wayne
At work I saw a box "Synthetic Latex" gloves. I'm glad that no more
innocent latex have to be hunted for their hides. They've almost been
driven to extinction in the wild.
-Chris Wayne
I have a theory that male homosexuality is merely the search for a
penis smaller than one's own for the deeply needed boost to
self-esteem.
-Chris Wayne
My plans are to find true love around then, and, just as she starts to
slowly return my affections, have her be mercilessly slaughtered by a
homicidal lunatic in front of me, slowly descend into the pit of
madness and despair where I wallow in my own misery, and finally
rebuild my life from its shattered wreckage, leaving me stronger for
the experience, but with a sadness deep inside me that will never be
erased. So I'm busy the first 3 days, but outside that, I'm free.
-Alloni Kramer
Are you people insane? Pain, neglect, and suffering make animals taste
better. That's why veal is so good. My great-grandmother firmly
believed in that. You know how you usually boil a pot of water THEN
drop in the lobster? Not her. She put the lobster in a pot of room
temperaure water and slowly brought it to a boil. She'd put rocks on
top of the lid because they would try to escape. This is the same
woman who, during the Depression, bought birdseed instead of bread.
She put it on the windowsill, waited for birds to come and eat it,
then whacked them on the head with a hammer and cooked them. A lovely
woman.
-Chris Wayne
Notice how, when it comes to penes, every quarter-inch counts. Too bad
we don't do metric; we could get it to the millimeter.
-Chris Wayne
I've been pouring little bits of my brain into a void.
What a waste. Just think of all the starving zombies in Hati.
-Mary 'n Garth
I have a theory that male homosexuality is merely the search for a
penis smaller than one's own for the deeply needed boost to
self-esteem.
Alloni, my one true love...
-Chris 'n Garth
I'm gonna be shot by an anxious mugger immediately after my pet
goldfish gets run over in a freak accident with a Mack truck.
-Josh Smith
Wow. Reminds me of high school football. Oh the memories. Rooting for
the other team, wearing a paper bag over my head while rooting for my
own team to lose.
In Australia, a "root" is a fuck.
-Jennifer 'n Felix
You mean ... the "R" in R&J is actually a "Ron"? I always thought the
R was the yang, not the yin.
-Jonathan Mayer
Garth, you lying hopeless weasel... (Gosh, I don't know what came over
me there. Felt the sudden need to lash out blindly. Sudden surge of
testostorone. Good thing it faded so quickly, too. Or else I might
have gone to war with a small Middle Eastern country or other.)
-Alloni Kramer
All right, you're on to us. Men are silly critters. I admit it.
-Chris Wayne
Every now and again I look at myself, and say, Alloni, why can't you
be normal? Why can't you be one of the teeming masses,
indistinguishable, average, ordinary? Would certainly be more
restful. And then I look at myself. And stab myself in the eyeball
with a shrimp fork. Luckily, I have many spares. (Eyes? Shrimp
forks? Probably anything. Spare change. Tulips, when he gets like
this. At least we can keep an eye on him. That's where he gets the
spares.)
-Alloni Kramer
there will be no pecking in the pelt room!
-R&J Gassaway
I'm a partridge family thermos.
-Garth
In my world, even with your definition, the words can be used
interchangeably. I rooted to my machine. I fucked up my machine.
-Kevin
Christ, am I the only lunch box on this list? I feel so embarrassed.
-Josh Smith
Hallebrujah! All hail America, land of the Great White Satan <TM>!
-Josh Smith
I feel a need to come out of the cloakroom on this one... I am, in
fact, a lunch box. All these years, making excuses... "No, I'm just
a... bread box. A little square. But dammit, I don't have a matching
thermos, I DON'T!" My attraction to those sexy pails construction
workers carry, all the lonely nights waiting to be filled with a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich... all that is over now. I admit it.
I am a lunchbox. I AM A LUNCHBOX. Do you hear me? And if you can't
love me for what I am, well... THEN I DON'T NEED YOUR LOVE! with
matching thermos, and PROUD OF IT.
-grey
*sob* You can try to drive me out... but you cannot crush my lunchbox
will! I am made of impact resistant high quality PLASTIC. Your words
cannot harm me. I will survive. With my lunchbox bretheren standing...
boxlike beside me, I can withstand the slings and arrows of your
closed minds... I'm too much for this town, anyway! Hollywood, here I
come!
-grey
Look, I'm not saying there's anyting intrinsically _wrong_ with being
a lunchbox, as such. I'm not saying that lunchboxes are an inferior
race that we can only despise. I'm not even saying the lunchboxes are
unclean, ignorant, insignificant putrescences. I wouldn't go so far
as to say some of my best friends are lunchboxes, or anything, but a
couple of times I've spoken with a lunchbox and more or less
successfully kept the sneer off my face. But this mailing list is...
not right for lunchboxes. It just isn't god's way. Lunchboxes aren't
smart enough to successfully participate in the intellectual
discussions herein. They aren't civilized, poor fellows, and should
be kept away from the enlightened people so they won't feel depressed
at how little life has given them.
-Alloni Kramer
Maybe so. BUT THAT WON'T STOP US FROM ONE DAY CRUSHING YOUR OPRESSIVE
REGIME!
-Josh Smith
I hereby declare the Revolution of the Lunchboxes. Viva Las Thermos!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm talking wrath of the gods here. The gods only smite wih wasabi in
ancient Japanese myths involving the creation of the universe, and I
don't feel like creating a universe at the moment. Take too long.
Haven't a week to spare.
-Alloni Kramer
So you're saying you like men with smaller posts, is that it?
exactly. its not the size, its the technique.
-Alloni 'n Bean
well alloni, you need to switch to crack light. I've heard it really
helps a lot with getting over-emotional and insulted easy (the
paranoia should lesson too, but thats what THEY say, you never know if
you should trust THEM.)
-Bean
You will not take my crack away from me. I'll have to mutter angrily
and snarl at you.
-Alloni Kramer
A mighty pyramid of plastic and tin, to block out the sun... We shall
conquer!
-grey
Wait. Wait. But... But. How can you not read every single message? How
can you not stay abreast of every single thread? I mean, what if you
miss something? What if you don't get some important information? What
if you miss some famous quote that will be repeated for years to come
in its original context? HOW CAN YOU STAND IT?!?!?! [Calm. Calm. Look,
new message from grey. Must go read it now. The contents of that
letter might well change my life...]
-Terri C. Sheep
I love working with pirates. GARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Kiss the parrot,
Land-Lubber!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You have to say one thing for stalkers: they are resourceful.
-Mary W. Hodges
Hrumph...I feel slighted. I am only Garth's alterrnate true love. The
true love he comes to when Alloni is down or otherwise inaccessible.
-Mary W. Hodges
Hmm. I'm not familiar with that text. If it doesn't mention aliens
on the summary page, it's not worth reading, IMHO.
-Kevin (re: the oed)
I spent the my junior and senior years with everyone thinking I was
the antichrist. And everyone thought I was a drug dealer toward the
end of my senior year. Oh wait, I was. nevermind.
-Chris Wayne
OK, first you'll need to conquer a small country. Enslave the entire
populace and force them to build a pyramid in Thalia's honor. At the
top of the pyramid, with steps leading up to it, place a large stone
table, about waist-high. Be sure to carve a deep groove down the
center of the table to provide drainage, as the inevitable pools of
blood could make the dais slippery, very dangerous at the top of a
pyramid, although infinitely amusing, and therefore praising Thalia.
All right, forget the groove and get yourself some cleats instead.
-Chris Wayne
And this list isn't on the internet... how, exactly? Direct mental
transfer? Parchment sent by messengers on horseback? Smoke signals?
Semaphore?
-Alloni Kramer
Of course you don't sacrifice blood to her. But you need human skulls
to keep the honey in, don't you? I'd like to see you get some without
spilling blood. What were you going to use, jars???
-Chris Wayne
There is no coincidence. Repeat. There is no coincidence.
-Baabaa
no. let me make this clear. i am not a breakfast donut. this is not a
cereal recording you.
-R&J Gassaway
The Inquisition is known for its poor spelling. That is our major
weapon. Poor spelling, and incomplete sentence structure. Our TWO
major weapons. Poor spelling and incomplete sentence structure.
Incomplete sentence structure and poor spelling. And an almost
fanatical devotion to old Monty Python skits.
-Chris Wayne
Is the OED the one you always see in libraries that's a few thousand
pages and about 2ft. square by 8" thick? Usually on it's own stand,
like some little perverse altar to the english language...
-Trevor Walton
To be honest, baseball has some great fights. I just wish they didn't
drop their bats. A bat would do a whole lot more damage than a hockey
stick ever could. Especially with nails in it.
-Chris Wayne
I lived in a segregated community for the most part. everyone was
white and catholic. the kids in the halls would stand at least farther
than arms length from me, lest I take something personal from them and
curse them with my evil dirty witchcraft. I had the sign of the cross
made a few times while walking the halls... I'm so proud.
-Bean
The answer is a) direct mental transfer. Why do you suppose people
have so much trouble unsubbing? They send their little "emails" to
this supreme entity, this so-called "majordomo", thinking that this
simple action will remove them. Wrong! It will not remove the
connectors hard-wired into your brain by the Mr. Black Corporation
when you first subscribed. Even if you cancel your service, you'll
probably still pick up bits of the messages as they bounce from
satellite to satellite, finding their way into the heads of abductees
worldwide. I was unsubbed for almost a year, once, and sometimes,
lying in bed at night, at that point just between sleep and
wakefulness I would see random emails flash in front of my eyes. I
couldn't usually read them, but sometimes I managed to make out names:
Nathan, Alloni, Garth, Bean, Jennifer, grey, jm, etc. Of course, back
then I thought that grey and bean were the same person, but that's
another story...
-Terri C. Sheep (internal quote bubbles)
I hate it when I agree with you Josh.
-Garth
Why are people so down on being number two? You should be happy. Of my
hundreds of lovers you were the second best. And I let you live. What
more can you ask for?
-Garth
I'm not disrespecting other cultures. I just said thier country smells
like ass.
-Garth
Microsoft - it's not a company, it's a new wardrobe.
-Felix
I think you're missing the point here. We're not trying to be
*helpful*. You should know better than to suspect us of that. Fie!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
On an unrelated note.....frozen jelly beans are fun.
You know, I'd never thought of that. New sex toy, everyone!
-Mary 'n Jennifer
my grandpa (a retired police chief) has a dog that only barks at black
people. its fucking disgusting. racism is just so... lame.
-Bean
heh. People think I'm joking when I say this, but I swear it's true: I
thought that black people were muppets until I was eight years old. I
only saw them on TV, and everything on TV that wasn't real was either
a muppet or a cartoon, and they weren't cartoons. Then when I was
eight, my family went to Hershey Park, and I saw a black family there.
I stared at them in total awe until my mom made me stop. I swear I'm
not kidding.
-Chris Wayne
the first time I saw a black woman, she was my cashier at KMart, and I
said "Damn lady, you've got a great tan", my mom slapped me.
-Bean
I have an embarrasing racist story, too. When I went to see Matrix,
there was this black guy sitting next to me. And I (god, I'm so
embarrassed) offered him popcorn. But he didn't want any.
-Alloni Kramer
I have an Illustrated Oxford Dictionary. With pictures, no less. Is
that close enough? And I play the flute! um. Actually, it's just an
empty toilet paper roll. But I'm really good at it....
-Chris Wayne
I look like a big dumb oaf who appears much stronger than I actually
am. Not that I would ever use an intimidating physical presense to my
advantage. Although someone once told me that I walk like a
juggernaut. I kinda like that.
-Chris Wayne
Felix, kill.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Every now and again I force myself to think racist thoughts so I smack
myself for thinking them.
-Alloni Kramer
DARN YOU! DARN YOU TO SEMI-ETERNAL HECKFIRE!
-Alloni Kramer
You are hereby not allowed to be cute until you are single. So there.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You had your chance, missy. Join the ranks of the embittered! =)
-Nathan Winant
Luckily, I'm a perfectly sane, stable individual.
What did you say your name was again?
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
Weird... that could very well be it. Especially since my drunk,
unemployed boyfriend is biting my leg. Tension headache, indeed.
-grey
If it'll get me sex I'll tell you anything. So, yeah, I have a
dictionary.
-Garth
Sometimes sarcasm is lost in text form.
-Garth
Just out of curiosity, am I the only black person on this list?
-Garth
I'm 9/10's latino...
-Nathan Winant
And I'm an iguana.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I made own version of veal parmigiana.
... An EVIL veal parmigiana?
Not particularly evil. The rice-mess I made the night before was
evil, however.
-Felix 'n Nathan 'n Felix
Hmm. sounds familiar. Did they call you "special" and ride to school
in a short school bus?
-Kevin (re: "gifted")
I officially announce that I have no idea what I was talking about.
Carry on.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I thought i was black for a short while. turned out to be just a
phase.
-Kevin
Ignorance makes me laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahah. Ahem.
Excuse me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wow. Those Anglicans are OH-Kay!
-Josh Smith
well. my mom has this certain power... she KNOWS when I disobey her,
she always has. it sucks. I think she has certain mind-reading powers
too. like once she called me cause she said she could hear me crying,
and I was... it was strange, since I live 2000 miles away from her.
-Bean
No, I feel dirty for participating in such a banal test. And I feel
dirty for actually caring (however slightly) about the results. And I
feel dirty because I'm _clearly_ not using my brain to anywhere NEAR
it's full potenti*** Oh. Wait. Another company press release needs to
be coded into html. I'll be right back... =|
-Nathan Winant
My brain is not my own -- I am merely the vessel through which the
world is to be gifted with divine, transcendant intelligence. And, of
course, divine, transcendant hot monkey lovin'. But I digress.
-Nathan Winant
It's like watching the worlds greatest fighter trying to climb into a
boxing ring whilst weighed down with chains and rope.
-Felix (re: america)
But we love you and you make a difference to us and now I'm gonna have
to blow you up and sanitize my trousers, damn you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I didn't say that it was stealth technology that was available to
Australians. For all you know, it's bees carrying the plague.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (just don't ask)
But Catholics are creepy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (and she should know)
When I'm really hung over (like I was this morning, and like I've only
been a handful of times in my life) the only thing I can eat are
McDonalds hamburgers, no mustard. I think the rehydrated onions have
healing properties.
-grey
Damn white people. Can't tell a black from a grey from... I bet you
think all Asians look alike, too.
-grey
If I were, say, commander-in-cheif, and the best recommendation my
staff could give me to resolve a foreign policy crisis is to rub out
the leadership of a foriegn country... ... I would sack and replace my
staff. Otherwise, imagine the precedent that would set. "So, Mr.
Yamashito, you don't seem to like the trade quotas we set for you.
That's a lovely daughter you've got there, Mr. Yamashito..."
-Jonathan Mayer
Ah, I thought it might be something like that. So how does dressing
like a fucked-up mime fit in?
-Mark Doner (gothmocking is neat)
It's kind of like the three-branch system of government we've got here
-- we _like_ the fact that it doesn't work. That's what keeps us
safe.
-Jonathan Mayer
When you compare the efficacy of a single stealth bomber against the
same $'s worth of traditional bombers, it becomes clear that even if
the stealth bomber worked it wouldn't work.
-Jonathan Mayer
The vietnamese are learning to smoke because of... patriotic fervor?
-Nathan Winant
Don't be so down, Felix. Come with me! Dance with me! Join me in the
Land Of The Unjustifiably Smug And Egocentric! ... oh. wait.
nevermind.
-Nathan Winant
My parents were identacle twins. Thats why I look so much alike.
-Garth (the one and only, more or less)
I am still disappointed from when I found out that kangaroos don't
make a boinging noise when they hope. I mean what is the point of this
animal if it doesn't make a boinging noise? Australia ought to mandate
that all 'roos be given some kinda motion activated device that will
make the boinging sound when they hop.
-Gary Sommer
Apparently, jm. has been possessed by the spirit of the Handicapper
General.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, but Castro is... such an exception. It's not like we really tried
to assassinate him. It's more like... some nightmarish episode of
Inspector Gadget that just won't end. I mean, exploding cigars? Come
ON!
-Nathan Winant
Lava Lamp(tm) brand reality-saver.
-Jonathan Mayer
Append File Error: (A)bort, (R)etry, (E)ternal Damnation? Xianity, the
Ubervirus.
-Fade
My coin has an IQ of 94.
-Mark Doner
I'm cold. And I'm not even naked.
you should be naked. I am.
-Jennifer 'n Bean (nudity = comedy)
Splicing the genes of murderers and salmon???? What the fuck?? Mad
science has finally gone too far.
-Chris Wayne
You're still young. You've got plenty of time before that dread
feeling turns into heaping mounds of regret dripping with bile.
-Chris Wayne
And I'm from Adelaide like Felix. The town where dope is
decriminalised and 16 is the age of consent. Probabally the only two
reasons I still live here.
-Funky J (old friend and childmolester)
Phone sex. Just call Nathan.
-Garth (a reminder)
Don't count on it buddy. You're up against me and a bearded German guy
in a nun suit.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
BLASPHEMER!!!!! Without imaginary numbers how could we dream?
-Garth
So I get a page from Nathan and call him, "Hello, I paged you naked."
-Garth (I have nothing to add)
He never calls me naked. If feel so left out.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't. It wasn't a sexy, "I paged you naked", it was a cute, "I paged
you naked (because I have a girlfriend and you don't you sad lonely
man)".
-Garth
I need some sleep. Or another whiskey binge.
-Garth
I have now specified my gender as non-specified.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
him: "I feel like sex and candy."
me: "What exactly does it feel like to feel like sex? I mean, I can
understand feeling like candy, but I don't understand feeling like
sex. Are you warm and gushy?"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
you're not black, Garth. Country singers can't be black.
-Bean
The voices are always out there. I can hear them right now. Singing...
Oh, wait, that's my CD.
-Terri C. Sheep
Their server is fully operational. The failure must the result of
human error, Dave.
-Jonathan Mayer
I hate my laptop.
Hate, hate, hate.
Hate rhymes with Windows98.
That could be a song...
-Terri C. Sheep (poess)
That was me too. You can't be a black country singer unless you have a
giant beer in your front yard.
-Garth
Aw yeah. Insane monkey love. I am so there.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Are you saying that I'm not a black country singer from seattle? I
guess you don't think I'm a giant lizard either.
-Garth
chicks with big tits and guns. I think I'm in heaven.
-Bean
I'm in my standard computer attire: underwear, t-shirt, fuzzy-wuzzy
blanket.
-Terri C. Sheep
I'd descibe myself but I can't because I'm an enigma wrapped in a
cunundrum.
Yeah. That's what they all say.
-Garth 'n Terri
Damn you Henry VIII! Damn you!!!
-Josh Smith
You're a cheesy horror flick with big breated women?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I can honestly say that this is the first time anyone has ever called
off an Australian assassin because they liked me. um, wait. OK, it's
the second time.
-Chris Wayne
Abducted wants my body.
Yes. But for what? Garth, break out the anal probes.
-Nathan 'n Jennifer
Gee. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but... Women in bed in
their underwear covered in ants while online. Erotic, non?
Sure. Erotic. Maybe in a gothic, sexequalsdeath, horror film type of
way.
-Nathan 'n Terri
Oh, yes, that's right. You and your pot and your goats and your black
trenchcoat and your kiddie porn. I mean, it WAS sort of an inescapable
conclusion, but still... STRANGER DANGER!
-Nathan Winant
I got the exact same score. I'm just as crazy as Alloni. Somehow, this
does not surprise me.
-Chris Wayne
It's a good thing humans don't make a boinging noise when they hope.
Otherwise, hospitals and churches would become very noisy.
-Chris Wayne
Join me, and we shall rule the galazy as hamster and sheep.
-Alloni Kramer
That's just because you're a flasher.
Yes, but a dangerous, violent, anarchistic flasher.
Well duh. I mean, you're wearing a black trench coat. Anyone who wears
a black trenchcoat is by definition evil.
Yes, but a hippy, contemplative, bizarre evil.
-Jennifer 'n Alloni 'n Jennifer 'n Alloni
In my hamster persona, I tend to refrain from communicating in words,
and instead make little rodent-like noises. My friend Pange and I go
around being hamsters quite regularly. Most of the time, we collect
any loose items in the room and make a nest. I sometimes gnaw on my
"owner", ChiQui. She once put me on trial for it. Pange was my lawyer,
and my friend Adri was the judge. Using her amazing lawyer-type
skills, she got the jury to find me not guilty (she acted all cute and
let the judge and jury pet her [like, pet her head, as though she were
a hamster, just to clarify things for *certain* people]). That was
cool. *nest* *nest*
-Terri C. Sheep (scares me sometimes)
You are 54.5454545454545% insane. In a few years you could become
insane. I chock this low score down to my quantum powers shaping
reality in my image making my insanity sane.
-Garth
I've seen your body Nathan... um.. I don't want it.
-Bean (denied)
I didn't see my first corpse until I was 18.
-Josh Smith (nudge nudge, wink wink)
On the other hand, perhaps there's something more sinister at work
here than mere teenage angst... "These guys came in and put their best
face on," Thomas said. "Most of us in THE SYSTEM wish we were HUMAN
lie-detectors, but we're not." In retrospect, DeVita describes Harris
and Klebold as "ALIENS of a DIFFERENT SORT. They were able to fool
everybody." hmmmmm.........
-Nathan Winant
I'm exactly twice as crazy as you. Fact usable at cocktail parties.
"Hey, did you know, I'm half as crazy as Alloni is?" A stunned
silence falls over the crowd as the marvel at the extent of your
knowledge. Some begin to weep, enrapt in your awesome wisdom. In
later years, a small shrine is built to commemorate the occasion. It
doesn't help you get any nookie, but it's a good way to pass the time
otherwise.
-Alloni Kramer
I shall be meek from now on. Meek.
Why am I not buying that?
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
You're just doing that to inherit the earth. I saw it first. That is
so unfair. You just wait 'til mom finds out!!
-Chris Wayne
Despite the fact that you have seen through my clever ploys, I will
refrain from smiting you. 'Cause that's just wrong 'n stuff.
-Alloni Kramer
Wow. I wish I could pimp MY gender.
-Nathan Winant
I hope you realize that most of the ashes you spread were actually
ashes from the casket. I hope I've totally ruined it for you. It's my
gift to the grieving.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's good to be cheap. Wait! What am I saying?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Most people in my family want to be creamated and dumped over the cult
grounds. Cause we love our cult.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahah! I am She-Ra, Princess of Power! Also
know as "God."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I hope today is soma day.............
-Nathan Winant
Buy a dozen acres or so. Maybe in Bastrop (about 40mi or so out of
Austin), maybe somewhere in the southwest -- arizona might be nice.
Just outside of Tucson. But regardless, get a nice little plot of
land, throw up a small home -- maybe a house, maybe just a trailer.
Get a dog and a truck. Learn to play an instrument, do a little
writing, go into town every once in a while, maybe let people host the
occasional rave or whatever on my land. Get a laptop and a cellmodem,
and telecommute to work on my own hours. If anyone at the office has a
problem with me, or wants to play stupid political games, or has a
hankerin' to set up some ridiculous, long-winded meeting that I have
to attend, well, they can come on out and tell me in person. I'll be
sitting on my porch with my dog and my smoke and a rocksalt shotgun
and a fifth of whiskey, waitin' for 'em. Sounds like a pretty good
life to me.
-Nathan Winant
Before I smoked weed everyone thought I was a pothead, now they think
I'm a narc.
-Garth (whoa. tres irony, dude)
Funny, I have a strange urge to kick some virtual ass.
-Josh Smith
I've never been a big fan of catastrophic kidney failure or intestinal
hemorrhaging.
Did you hear their last album?
-Chris 'n Garth
[Nathan silently sharpens his gun.]
-Nathan Winant
Argh. There's enough perkiness there to power a medium sized pleasure
saucer.
-Kevin
You've been smiting a lot of people lately. I reckon you've been
listening to Marilyn Manson and playing Doom.
-Felix
You anti social heathen. You will bring destruction upon us all. You
should be listening to T-power and playing Nethack. With beer. You
need beer. Good beer. Or wine. Dry powerful red wine. And sushi.
You need nibbles. And a lava lamp. Ambience is a must.
-Felix
I am a blasphemer! Hear me crinkle!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
but then again, I'm a pinkogreenocommieskum
-Funky J
Okay, so, what about a guy, like a bum or something, who has a box
with a frog in it and he SWEARS that when he opens the box the frog
jumps out and dances with a little tophat and cane and sings "michigan
rag", but it nevers does for anybody else, but it really DOES sing and
dance, just only when it's alone with him? ... should that guy be
allowed to have a gun?
-Nathan Winant
Duh. Everyone knows all the lizards are in Phoenix.
-grey
And our womens. Somebody's gotta protect our womens.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't make me smite you again.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
John, you three-eyed barstow of barstows, who encased your cocoon?
Your motherbrother?
-Alloni Kramer
How else are we gonna convince everybody that we're having sex in the
office?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
a.) I'm not a co-savior. What I am is darker, danker, more mysterious,
and certainly less pleasant.
b.) I never speaketh the truth. I speaketh only in lies, the lies
which define the world in which we live perhaps, the lies upon which
we build truth, but lies nonetheless. The world is better for the
purity of its inherent deceit; Platonic Truth need not apply.
c.) Given the above two points, feel free to call me a co-savior. Play
your cards right, you might even be able to usher in The Rapture. And
let's face it -- they wouldn't call it The Rapture if I wasn't gonna
win... I am nothing so weak and minty and yet so curiously strong as a
co-savior. No, I am... The Man.
-Nathan Winant
So I'm an Allonitoid?
-Alloni Kramer
How now brown politician?
-Nathan Winant
I read that as bear. But I still remembered it as Garth. Hmmmn.
-grey
It's been far too long since I got kicked out of a Toys R' Us. I know
what *my* plan for teh evening is...
-grey
No, you use :
(a) shotguns to hunt fish
(b) hunting rifles to hunt humans
and (c) flamethrowers to hunt pigeons.
quite simple really.
-Felix
Oh, yeah, like the bill of rights guarantees that. Just 'cause it says
so. Hah. I look down my nose at your foolish and naive concept of law.
Hah. The Supreme Court, whose wisdom is like ambrosia for the legal
mind, has repeatedly ruled that in this case "people" doesn't mean
"persons". The People can have guns; How an abstract collective can
use them without giving them to persons is beyond my powers of
intellection.
-Mark Doner
Hmmm... Your new boy freind is annoying. I'm annoying. He's lazy. I'm
lazy. He's unemployed. I could be. And you think I'm cute. Dump him
and marry me. I'll get another giant beer for the reception.
-Garth
I can imagine a situation where I'd rather have a beached whale over a
tape of the flying nun, that doesn't make it a valid point.
-Garth
And maybe a 3-day waiting period between pulling the trigger and the
gun going off -- I'm for that, too.
-Jonathan Mayer
Clearly, Garth has lost his paranoia. Who'll help me stalk him until
he gets it back?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I never lodge useful dialogue either. I sort of offer a half
paranoid- delusional diatribe, an borderline schitzophrenic preamble,
and a meglomanic centrepoint. You may go back to your regular
programming. I am currently in the middle of mine. Fidel Castro is
flying in this afternoon with a box of cigars for me, and I need to be
home to make the place presentable (you know the drill - hide the
share portfolioes, bring out the political detainees, paint the black
dog red ...)
-Felix
It is really nice to find nice people on the Internet after all the
bad things I've heard about the Internet, about it frying your
eyeballs into little wisps of steam and the ritual abuse and stuffed
animal porn-slave rings and all that. But, yep, RIGHT as RAIN!
-John Alex Herbert
Yeah, but do you talk about felching with your roommate on the back
porch over cigarettes? I didn't think so. But don't worry, we'll both
be included in the big Abducted Love Orgy of the Apocalypse [tm].
-grey
It doesn't surprise me at all that you could open pill bottles as a
child.
-Garth (re: Jennifer)
No, no, no, I'm know that the government is evil and plotting against
me. Its just that I don't think they are as dangerous as your everyday
man on the street given a gun.
-Garth
Very ambiguous. Does he talk to his roomate while they are on the back
porch smoking, subject felching? or does he talk on the porch about
felching his roomate while smoking? or felching your roomate on the
back porch?
-Garth
That's not how you dump a body. First you cut it up into small
manageable pieces, drain and rinse the pieces in hot soapy water, then
divide the pieces into two or three garbage bags, preferably
double-bagged lawn and garden bags. Then dump them into any city
dumpster, only one bag at the same location if feasible and preferably
right before the dumpster gets unloaded. um, so I've heard.
-Chris Wayne
"The dispensation of obloquy"??? You got one of those "365 days to a
better vocabulary" desk calendars for X-Mas, didn't you?
-Chris Wayne
Shouldn't be a problem. If the cross-dressing Barbie and G.I.Joe
doesn't get us thrown out, surely the Power Rangers/Transformers
simulated sex acts will. And there's always programming the electronic
TeleTubbies to say "KILL" over and over again....
-Chris Wayne
Hmmm... This reminds me of the time I was traveling deep in the Amazon
Rain Forest (enjoying the rain of course and the yage) and discovered
that obscure tribe of, ah, Amazonians that would never sever their
umbilical cords at birth and would in fact through the application of
certain plant extractions stretch, extend and make pliant the said
umbilical cords which would lead to strange and beautiful familial
structures of interconnected tribespeople with the matriarch at the
centers, roaming around the village grounds surrounded by their
offspring, their offspring, and even their offspring only to be broken
and split off into seperate substructures upon the death of the
matriarch. The largest interconnected group was always afforded the
most respect, and usually got their pick of the roasted pigskin at
village feasts.
-John Alex Herbert
Yes, nothing is more romantic than a corpse rotting in the woods and
being picked apart by wild animals.
-Chris Wayne
Orgies are great and all, but I still wouldn't need underwear. At
least no underwear that was actually comfortable.
-Chris Wayne
I would imagine wearing uncomfortable underwear to an orgy would make
you kind of unpopular.
-Elizabeth Leal
HEY! YOU! Everybody needs to lighten up around here. This means you!
For what have you forsaken love? Why not take a moment out and
forgive yourself. I give you permission -- you are Okay. There's a
humongous boiling nuclear furnace out there somewhere spewing
radioactive jets of superheated gas in our general direction, but
momentarily the sun is being kind to us and gracing us with a nice
day. Holy holy holy cry the seraphs as they burst from the lips of
gods aflame, imolated and created anew. Why is that you hurt the one,
the one you should never hurt at all? Feel free to go ahead and be
nice to yourself. Be kind to small animals. Email the participants of
a random USENET flamewar and explain your love to them. Give your
body freely to random strangers of questionable hygiene. As chairman
mao says, peace comes from the barrel of a gun. You possess love
inside you as bountiful as your courage to use it. Nothing in the
world can soil you but yourself. Buy yourself a free Ben and Jerry's
ice cream cone. I want you to have it.
-Jonathan Mayer (making sense)
I think I'll just kill one of you as an example to the other. But
which one? Nathan's closer, but you're more irritating. Nathan may be
more usful when I conquer the world, but you... uhm... are more
irritating. You're lucky I'm so lazy. All of you. Each and everyone of
you ungrateful bastards. Can't you see I do the things I do because I
love you? And now I have to kill one of you. You drove me to it. Hey
Josh why don't you come down here for a visit? And its not just so I
can shoot you. We're having a problem with the front door so just
climb in thru the back window around midnight or so. Wear black. And a
ski mask.
-Garth
... if garths are outlawed, only outlaws will have garth.
-Nathan Winant
Yes, soon the world's economy will be based on baby supplies. And
then, we'll unleash the virus that sterilizes everyone. And that will
destroy the world's economy.
-Alloni Kramer
Just to put your mind at ease, not only am I not pregnant, I don't
want to get pregnant, and I didn't have a baby, either. And Garth
doesn't even want to marry me anymore =[
-grey
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick
your friend's nose in a gun control thread. Sticks and stones may
break my bones but I'd really just rather drink thanks.
-grey
Have you noticed that Amazon lists Macchiavelli as Niccolo MacHiavelli
like he's Scottish or something?
-Chris Wayne
And its the same reason I have for not wanting everyone to own a god.
-Garth
HELP. i CAN'T SPELL bATON rOUGE.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Official Abducted Thread That Existed Just To Cause Trouble: (various)
Guns.
Official Abducted Reason for America: (Nathan Winant)
*sigh*... And therein lies the problem.
How do you think America earned the right to rule the world? Was it
through superior military strength? Eh, it played a part, but that's
not it. Was it through superior technology? Nope. It doesn't hurt, but
that ain't it. Was it through a superior economy? Well, clearly that's
not the case. Was it through an educated, cultured populace? Uhm...
Was it through enlightened leadership? Heh. Heheheheh...
No, my topsy-turvy dune-dancing friend, let me tell you how The World
Was Won: MARKETING. Good, solid P.R. Get their hearts, and their
minds, bodies, and wallets will follow. Why is english the de facto
language of business? Why are millions of vietnamese deliberately
learning to smoke? Why can you buy a car for a pair of Levis in
Russia? My god, how can the GooGoo Dolls become an internationally
recognized band?
Marketing.
Hell, look at the name of the country: The United States Of America. A
little stuffy I'll grant, but no nonsense. In the realm of
international relations, it basically translates to "Hey, mess with
me, punk, and I'll go get my 49 other friends and we'll go WHUP YOUR
ASS." Think about it. What if we'd gone the Australia route and named
the country, say, WonketyTonketyLand. Would anyone take us seriously?
Of course not...
And look at the names of our weapons. The Apache. The Cobra. The
Patriot. The Tomahawk. Hell, Star Wars -- a frickin' project that
hasn't even existed for the past decade, but everyone knows what SDI
is. Of course, sometimes we play the other side of the coin:
intimidation through alienating, dehumanizingly cryptic names. M-16.
AR-14. M203. M1A1. THX1138. And when they're not intimidating, they're
endearingly whimsical: after all, who can forget the "fat man"? What
if we called the SRI-71 the Wongaloo? Or the B2 the ToWongFoo? Or the
M60 the Chickerachatee? Or the F-111 the Jindalee? I mean, c'mon. It
sounds like a spicy indian curry or something. Tasty perhaps, but
hardly intimidating.
No, my friend, your radar needs a much cooler name. The Skyraker. The
Sentinel. The MR-117 Radar Penetration System. Hell, maybe you could
even get away with "Priscilla".
... but just this one time......
Official Abducted Exquisite Short Story: (who knows?)
In a far away land, in a land far away, there lived a young boy who
fought for freedom under the guise of that most fiendish of dashing
rogues, the Scarlet Sahara!
She woke up in the arms of her love, velvety cinnamon tresses
cascading across his chest.
A quiet calm came over him as he kissed her quivering lips. It was
only then he realized that she wasn't like other women.
The adam's apple, for instance, was a dead giveaway.
Instead of fighting what I felt, I bludgeoned my subject with a chair.
She stood up slowly, her head still reeling from the impact. Slowly
she turned, picking up the pieces of broken office furniture from the
floor and weilding them at her attacker.
"Do you think you can just slay me with hardwood? No, that will not
work, you fiend," she growled as she lunged across the room.
Her dark eyes hidden behind a cloud of smoke as she walked towards me,
I knew her brain would be succulent.
I gazed longingly into her cerebrum, dreaming of her medulla oblongata
and the secrets it contained.
Gripping the wheel, his knuckles turned white with desire. His
medulla oblongata throbbed with excitement, unleashing its secrets and
those of the rest of his brain upon the world like so so many
recently-opened carrier pigeon cages. All his most treasured moments,
his beliefs both sacred and profane (though mostly the latter), and
even the knowledge of such trivial things as the contents of his last
meal (though not its ingredients) were freed and made one with the
collective unconscious of the universe.
The chicken-nippled hooligan lay waste to our collection of magic
rocks. For this he must die. For this he shall be devoured by a
fleshless hoosier while being plucked limbless by the pincers of the
gigantic Malaysian junk moth.
He thrust his mighty sword into its abdomen
But, the mighty beast did not sway. For it had the strength of. The
beast picked up the young slayer and ate him whole. He was quite
delicious, a bit on the crunchy side, but not fulfilling. The beast
trecked on looking for more delcate morsles. It then happend upon a
school bus full of swedish exchange students.
And with much breast-bobbing and flapping of wings, they were off,
leaving the Swedish exchange students in the dust to fend for
themselves when they were eventually attacked by locusts and
bloodthirsty carnivorous sparrows (but that's another story for
another time). Anyway, upon arriving at the dentist's office, they
immediately fell prey to an overwhelming urge to pilfer several
gigantic tanks of nitrous oxide, after which they bolted for the
window, using the tanks to smash through.
He spent the night painting large bunnies and other graffiti on the
front of them.
Rudy Guiliani fixed that.
Then he fixed a flat tire that his estranged grand-aunt Delilah had
gotten during the great war of 2172.
The battle in question hadn't exactly been a surgical attack - tens of
thousands of civillians, as well as soldiers, had been exposed to the
poison. Of course, since it had never been tested, everyone had
believed the bomb to be a dud until several years later when the halos
started appearing, and buds between the shoulderblades of the affected
started to grow into something suspiciously looking like wings. And
when the strangely glowing babies started to appear, everyone knew
that this wasn't just another Agent Orange, it was an evolutionary
step.
Official Abducted Purity Test: (ghostxxx)
1) Do you fuck?
2) Do you fuck sheep?
3) If your last name is Sheep, and you answered yes to number 2), do
you consider that incest?
4) Does anything abnormal drip from your genetalia?
5) Does it hurt when you pee?
6) Does it hurt when you swallow?
7) Have you ever licked your lips after a rim job?
8) Do you crave nothing but giving rim jobs?
9) Do you like hot pokers touched to your nipples?
10) Have you ever held someone's hand in public?
Official Abducted Quest For Short: (Alloni Kramer)
Don't mind me. Just passing through. On my way on outta here. Just
passing through. Yes sir. Yes sir. Just passing through. Whoa!
Nice honker you got there, lady! Do you feed your young with that
thing? Just passing through.
Are any of you particularly short? I feel the urge to make jokes at
people's expense, and short is an easy way to go with that one. In
fact, if I blur the line between "short" and "midget", I'll get Nathan
into the act, and then I'll come out with a midget haiku and capture
little Jennikins, a midget on drugs to get Garth, and a a midget
security guard with a smg to get Eyedunno on my side. Then we shall
reign supreme, jackboots and all.
But first, I need one of you to volunteer to be short. I don't care
if you're actually short. This is the digital age. I just need you
to be shamelessly mocked for being short. I'll toss in a free Slurpee
- of your choice! You can even get the Supergulp Slurpee, which will
feed you for a week!
I know some of you have alternate online personalities. This won't be
a new experience. Just, instead of being a large furry rabbit or a
cleric or a homicidal psychotic with a chainsaw, you'll be short.
Come on! Why are you hesitating? Short is beautiful!
Official Abducted Meme Theory: (R&J Gassaway)
Over the last few months J and I have been developing some theories
around the general idea that civilization is merely a manifestation of
opportunistic memes* using human DNA and our instinctive desire for
expansion as a means to more quickly gather resources and communicate
among each other, battling with and destroying weak or impotent memes
in the process. We are simply symbiants, fairly effective vestibules
of information that until recently have remained blind to the idea
that our reality may actually be a secondary result of our memetic
leaders.
Perhaps our evolution has simply mirrored the evolution of these
opportunistic memes since the beginning of animal consciousness (a
momentous occasion, not unlike the inevitable birth of artificial
intelligence). Like biological evolution, these memes have been
aggressively pursuing the means to perpetuate their existence for
eons. Beginning when individual animals had autonomous epiphanies
within their consciousness, memes acted like nomads (hunters &
gatherers), pushing towards civilization by slowly forming small
groups with other memes that displayed similar objectives. The
expansion is a familiar process. By creating villages/syndicates to
share knowledge, various groups of memes became powerful
ideologies/city states, battling with other city states over newly
found resources unearthed by humans in our own pursuit for knowledge.
Parasitic perhaps, but not really conspiratorial. Our recognition of
this has only been resisted by the primitive concept that we are the
harbingers of universal knowledge. It's possible that we may pursue a
conscious symbiosis with these memetic groups if we can mutually agree
upon and assist each others needs. Perhaps AI will help by mediating
or translating this exchange.
The unspoken goal in this universe seems to eventually lead to an
unrestricted environment of information, accessible everywhere, all at
once. As information battles for power, attempting to protect and
perpetuate the original epiphany/ideology created by any given memetic
group, it will mutate and/or make alliances with other groups along
the way. As these groups expand exponentially, paralleling and leading
the knowledge gathering tools of humans, ideas that are poorly
developed (such as dogmatic or impotent religious and political
ideologies) will be stripped of their resources and absorbed into
other more effective groups. Eventually, all memetic groups will
overlap and/or become absorbed into themselves, creating an unified
database that is constantly accessible, all at once, from anywhere in
the universe.
However, once this unification takes place, perhaps the universe
concludes in a stasis, that must be reborn to survive. If the universe
is truly finite, and it cycles in upon itself, perhaps the momentum of
information is what truly keeps it alive. Not unlike the momentum of
matter, the momentum of active information may allow this cycle to go
on infinitely.
So where does time fit into this rather elaborate set of theories?
After combining a large number of minor epiphanies over the last few
years, we think that time is simply a combination of universal
positions and information signatures. Every position in the universe,
and all information, has an unique signature. The combination of these
signatures is what we perceive as each moment, throughout our
existence. How does universal position become known? Only as
information begins to overlap, sharing the exploratory information
gathered through the expansion of universal memes, does the language
of universal position become known. As the configurations/signatures
of information and universal position become omnipresent, time
disappears in a subjective sense (reference our use of it as a
measurement) and really becomes the contributing factor to unlocking
all of the configurations of the universe, making information from
alpha to omega available all at once. A universal map or decryption
key that is also the universe. We're currently referencing this map or
key as a "weave", basically because during some discussions of these
theories we both began to perceive the universe as a piece of cloth,
or as a chain link fence going in all perceivable directions (the
former is preferable because it definitely seems less draconian than
the latter). Oddly enough, a couple of days later we were watching a
PBS show on cosmology that was discussing whether the universe was
expanding, and how it could have developed, showing a rather elaborate
animation of how they believe the universe began to form. This image
displayed objects in the universe beginning to group, becoming
interwoven, similar to a biological entity growing capillaries and
nerves. Strangely enough, it looked exactly like what we had
visualized. Although we are avidly interested in this type of subject
matter (reading Discover, Scientific American, misc. books), to the
best of our knowledge we had never encountered a visual representation
of the universe in this manner.
Naturally these theories are based on speculation. We're not
particularly concerned with proving these theories, because they
unquestionably defy our current capacity and perspective to analyze,
but they do offer some provocative answers to a few perplexing
questions.
Some of these theories were developed by considering the combination
of Jungian synchronicity with Dawkins concept of the Selfish Gene.
Synchronicity was never articulated as, but basically supports, the
idea that information is opportunistic, and that it will search out
other information that offers tantalizing resources. Synchronicity
does basically define a coincidence as a moment in time where
information that appears to have no direct correlation interacts,
supporting our actions/needs/desires in an advantageous way. If the
situation is unusual enough we may question the concept that this
particular circumstance was merely a "coincidence". This may be true.
Perhaps we are just observing information prompting our actions in an
opportunistic search for resources, unearthing a fairly conspicuous
discovery that we perceive as a coincidence. Perhaps these memes are
not conscious of their direct influence over us, or perhaps they are
motivated to look after us for their own selfish reasons, protecting
the vestibule that contains their precious collection of information,
or protecting the machine/bot that helps them gather their resources
and expand in the universe.
This may create some frightening challenges to the concept of
freewill. Honestly, we're not that concerned (possibly due to the
fiction like quality of this material) because it's possible that
memes rely upon us as much as we rely upon them and that we may have
similar goals (like recognizing the advantages for information
expansion by supporting concepts like open source). Perhaps those that
support freedom of information are the antibodies, living within our
particular configuration of the universe, fighting and destroying
malevolent organizations/viruses that attempt to malign or entrap
information, slowing the momentum of information exchange in the
universe.
This creates a paradox, because generally antibodies are perceived as
the law keepers, sustaining order for the biological collective, but
perhaps this doesn't need to have the negative connotations that most
order pursuing societies display (fascism, communism, other misc.
isms). To allow for the expansion of information in the universe is to
allow the purist and most finite data (truth?) to continue to exist
unhampered by memetic groups that wish to restrain it with their
dogma. The ultimate crime/sin is to misinterpret, misrepresent or
pervert the information being used to create the universal map/key.
Maintaining and expanding universal information/data is the ultimate
goal. To maintain this data is to maintain order, by destroying
dogmatic or impotent memes that thrive within the protective walls of
tradition and the status quo. Tradition and the status quo are still
valued though, because these are the most heavily traveled routes of
information. Long established, but poorly maintained roadways. Because
of the high accessibility, dogmatic and/or impotent memes/symbiants
can most often be found here. Dogmatic and impotent memes/symbiants
are naturally destructive because they project and reinforce a false
representation of the universal information being gathered. They
malign and destroy data while thriving off of the universal
infrastructure, so they must be challenged and ultimately destroyed.
Roughly stated, this is a fair representation of the many insane
theories J and I have been developing. This concludes our study on the
unique and disturbing psychological traits that may develop when a
husband and wife decide to work at home together.
By the way, in an effort to actively support what we've been
theorizing, please consider this an open source document by
critiquing, commenting and adding elements if you feel so inclined.
These epiphanies may simply be the result of two artists talking for
hours about things we only have a peripheral understanding of.
Naturally we're curious if anyone with a computer science, physics,
biogenetic, cosmological or theological background has been
considering similar ideas on their own, or if these are simply the
sophomoric scribblings of two people who really don't get enough
sleep.
...end of message
Official Abducted Insulting Word: (Garth to Jen)
Nockwurst.
Official Abducted "Wow. I really am crazy." Moment: (me oh me oh)
The computer screen is scrolling at me. Out of the corner of my eye.
But I haven't told it to do anything. And it hasn't changed when I
look at it. It's a virus. I know it is. Mine or the computer's has
yet to be determined. Or maybe an intergalactic overlord.
Intergalactic overload? Same thing. All viruses. Humanity is a
virus. I had a nice talk with my halfbrother yesterday. He doesn't
support NASA. He supports the ending of 95% of human life instead,
and the institution of strict zero population growth controls. I do
too, in principle, I just don't think it's achievable without
suffering to those of us left around. Of course we'll still be
around. Unless we're being bred for obedience, that is. Could be.
Explains the intergalatic overlord thingie. I just want all you
watchers to know that I support any intergalactic overlords, and they
should make me their second in command, where I will abuse my power
and never get out of hand and attempt to assassinate the current
overlord and take his place, like the last 5 did, and like the current
i.o. got the job from his boss. No, I'm loyal. And lazy. I prefer
to be the power beind and to the left of the throne. Less visible.
More hopeless cringing lackey. Still, I'd be hopeless cringing lackey
to the best, that's the thing. And have legions of my own hopeless
cringing lackeys. That can be you.
It went blank now. The screen. It has definitely been taken over by
some malignant force. SOme of you might claim it's just the screen
saver, but I know The Truth, which is why I try not to think about it.
Really, the only difference 'tween fate and free will is knowledge.
As long as I don't know my actions are predestined, does it really
matter whether or not I have free will? I think I do, that's the
important thing. And my actions are only predestined to someone who
knows that, and to be real predestiny, they'd have to know their own
actions and how they'd affect my actions, thus taking all choice out
of their existances and making them hopeless pawns of the universe.
I'll stick with free will, it's more obnoxious.
10 Tips On STRANGER DANGER. I got that. By a nice guy trying to get
me to give money to missing kids research. Like dropping shampoo in
their eyes, shaving off patches of skin and stikcing deodorants on,
the usual. Drugs testing. I think I will not get stoned today. Not
unless I somehow get the opportunity, that is. Luckily, I have just
the method. I need to get high on life. I'm good at it. I've done
it before. Recently. Running around frightening the help and the
helpless. Kicking boots out into street. Singing. Loudly. Flowing.
I need to flow. I am an amoeba. I just need to realize that
factoid. Realize the amoeba within. Practice.
Still blank. Still scrolling. Still i.o. controlled. Will become
mindless zombie now. 'scuse me.
Official Abducted CP Quote: (contributed by grey)
"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee said
quickly.
"That's not the answer to _every_ problem in interpersonal relations,"
Cobb said, hopping out.
- Rudy Rucker, Software
Official Abducted History Lesson Sparked By An Offhand Remark:
(Remark - Josh Smith. Lesson - Nathan Winant)
> Wacky wallcrawlers RULED.
... with an iron fist.
It was a time of darkness and destruction; a time of dread. Thanks to
the twisted designs of a single man, the wacky wallcrawlers meant to
end war for all time instead became the executioners of civilization.
Humanity's history tells us such times produce heroes and heroines,
dedicated to turning back the darkness. And so it was in the 22nd
century -- the Age of the Wacky Wallcrawler.
The future is now.
Official Abducted Whim: (Nathan Winant)
Upon due reflection, while "Jennifer Lynn" is a perfectly fine name,
"Jennifer Jen" is superior -- if for no other reason than it can be
shortened to "Jenny Jen".
Therefore, Jennifer Lynn Larkin has now been officially renamed
Jennifer Jen Larkin. While this change is effective immediately,
please allow a day or two for JJL's email accounts to be updated
accordingly.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
-- The Man agement
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