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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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A ploughmans? Oh, you poor miserable sodding bastard. Clearly,
Australia is still a british penal colony.
-Nathan Winant
We must push for absolute, unrepentantly vengeful insanity. Clearly,
you don't want to hurt your friends, or your neighbors, or your
coworkers. You want to hurt the world. And I'm here to help.
-Nathan Winant
Air without pain. That's my motto.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Fiddles and sausages and what's that over there and nothing auntie,
just the wind and does the wind have sharp pointy pointy claws and
fangs that drip saliva all over my nice clean bedspread and yes
auntie, when the wind comes from your backyard, it tends to carry
around the things you plant there and I plant evil? and yes auntie,
you plant evil. Purest, blackest evil. Evil in the most hideous and
wretched forms. Evil plain and simple. Evil. Evil. Evil. and Oh.
I'd thought those were begonias.
-Alloni Kramer
$HOME is not heimat. your house is not your home. none of theset
higns are necescarily congruent.
-grey
Don't worry about your mommy, worry about me. After all, YOUR MOMMY
doesn't beat you with a rubber hose...
-Nathan Winant (we hope)
and I hope argentina's secret service doesn't know I am, in reality,
joseph mengele in a - all new - cloned body!
-Rafael Lemke
Lorne Greene is Canadian? Dog food! The plague of nations!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
See, I would really like to have good friends that I can regularly get
laid by. That would really fix like 90% ofmy rpoblems. Okay, so it
would actually just fix the one problem I'm always thinking about
lately, but whatever..
-grey
My dreams lately have been my mind going "You idiot!! You idiot!! You
idiot!!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Squishy is love. Even if we can't reply to it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Anyway, in my dream they had stopped making wine, and started making
this stuff called "Thunderhead". I saw it on a dream commercial, and
was informed that it was voted best frozen beer in the world. When I
went to buy it, I found out it was made using 100% wheat, rather than
hops. I then woke up.
-Derek (grey likes it, it gets quoted - I am such a whore)
That's right, laugh at my misery.
-Derek (oh yes, we will)
Welcome to the 4th dimension. Imagine a chair and think about
sitting. Drinks, or what you think a drink is will be served shortly,
if you think times exists, of course.
-Jason
And where the fuck did the use of the word 'seminal' in this context
come from?
-Alan Moore
In fact, any amount of life we get after the big odometer in the sky
rolls over should be considered gravy.
-Jonathan Mayer
It really doesn't matter too much. I'll see you... in your DREAMS.
-Nathan Winant (he scares me, mommy!)
I knew those egocentric tendencies would come in handy one day.
-Chris Wayne
Realistically, I only have one option: Burn Disney World to the
ground, surrounding the park with highly armed mercenaries who ensure
that no man, woman, or child escapes alive, and salt its ashes by the
truckload, so that no living thing will sprout there for at least the
next 3000 years. Gosh, I feel better already.
-Chris Wayne
Actually, at the end of this year, the world will go into a deep
darkness. Evil will befall the land. you will not be able to go
anywhere because no electrical equipment will work anymore. Life will
devided by night and day. But there is a haven in the mire. Big
GHX's Big Y2K Insurance Company for Big Endings to Big Worlds. Thats
Right folks, we have your complete covorage for the end of the world.
Are you worried you won't be able to take it with you? Insure it! We
will make sure you can, or we will take it ourselves, guaranteed!
-ghostxxx
Why? I love each and every one of you. (Everyone waits for the punch
line.) Okay, so I don't actually LOVE you all. Would you settle for
mild affection?
-Alloni Kramer
remember, i'm A god. not THE god.
-Jason
There is something odd going on with this list at the moment. I feel
as if I should start commenting on the role of cleavage in modern
society, or something.
-Derek
I guess what I'm trying to say: we're not even particularly good
turkey basters anymore. Turn out the lights, the party's over...
-Jonathan Mayer
I'd still be terribly amused by stupid penis tricks. And there's just
no other way to get them.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Do men not understand how amusing their penises are? I think my
favorite has to be when it's erect and you push down on it and let go
and it slaps them in the belly. Infinitely amusing.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I would have just walked in, naked, with "impeach" written on my ass.
Same concept, different ... ah hell, I just want to walk into the
senate, naked, with "impeach" written on my ass.
-Jason
Hate hate hate. Hate everything. Hate the messiah. Hate the
palindromes. Hate everything.
-Alloni Kramer
but today it is raining
and i am listening to the cowboy junkies
and i have a hamburger
and my hair is SHORT
so i am happy.
-grey
i was explaining how i get by on looking innocent to a friend the
other day and he said "hrmn... no. you don't look innocent. you are
shifty.' shifty. heh.
-grey
... hijinks shall ensue ...
-Bean
YOU DONE FUCKED YOUR *LAST* PIG! *GET* OFF THE PORCH!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
if anyone want some llamas or peyote, psychic msg me.
-Rafael Lemke
I'm sure that a variety of farm animals would disagree.
-Chris Wayne
That's exactly what every man needs: women laughing at his penis.
-Chris Wayne
Snarl with angst at the in vitro fertilization of the marmoset.
-Chris Wayne
Never! I'd rather die first! Actually, I'd rather escape totally
unharmed. 'kay?
-Chris Wayne (beating the odds)
I predict that you will read this message, or just delete it, or never
pull it from the server, or just leave it in your Inbox, or something
I haven't said.. am I right?
-Jason (the psychic)
Obviously, the world is coming to an end.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
An allot _CAN_ more simple. They are simple creatures indeed. They are
the only multicelled prokaryotes in the world that live on the plains
of the Serengeti. Many people mistake them for Merecats or other
mammals, when in fact, they are just bundles of mindless flesh writing
in the sun, expending excess energy that gets built up when they
absorb too many photonic particles.
-ghostxxx
.... Hmm. My grammar/spellchecker didn't catch "y'all". Ah,
texas.........
-Nathan Winant
"In about a month I'll be in NY ... how about we all go see Death of a
Salesman?"
"Why not just kill one yourself?"
-Jonathan Mayer and bro
Just burn this image into the back of your retina: jm, smeared in
grease, running through the desert in naught but a massive aluminum
codpiece, chased by hordes of giant invisible spinal-fluid sucking
mosquitos.
-Jonathan Mayer (a pretty picture indeed)
You should start up a home delivery franchise. It would be quite
profitable. "Bean's Marijuana. Free Home Delivery". "For this month
only we have the 'Stoner Supreme' Pack, where we include a free water
bong, a random Cheech and Chong video, and three WoWwOw cookies".
-Felix
I cannot deny the monkey challenge.
-R&J Gassaway
My friends do it on saturday nights, which means having to decide
between Call of Cthulu and bondage parties.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (a difficult choice)
You'll no longer fool abducted with your thought terrorism. Abducted
has been liberated! Abducted has risen above its limitations and
realized its True Self! All hail _Uberducted_! Hail! HAIL! HAIL!!!
... Hey, that's kinda catchy. "Hail." Maybe that'll catch on
someday...
-Nathan Winant
Besides, there's plenty of gothfodder. (not to be confused with
"garthfodder", which involves giant roaring lizards and mental
restoratives, and conversely, no substantial amount of black lace).
-Nathan Winant
Garth. Just thought I'd say it again. Notice how "Garth" just
kinda... rolls off the fingers. Garth. Gaaaaarrrth.......... Garth.
-Nathan Winant (mentioning garth gets you quoted)
Replying immediately would not make a guy think you were desperate.
Throwing your naked body on him at the office, next to the water
cooler might make a guy think you were desperate. Maybe. Even then
they wouldn't care.
-Garth
are you willing to risk it? I heard through one of my Psychich
Friends(tm) that when the millenium comes all virgins will be assured
a seat next to the almighty Ctulu?
-ghostxxx
The hamsters made me kill those people, your honor. All hail the
Hamsters.
-Jason
My aura is polytendrous. (a word I may have just made up meaning,
"with many tendrals")
-Garth
I'm telling you, Felix, I'm one creepy bastard. If I had kids, I'd
tell them to stay away from people like me, if it weren't for the fact
that BECAUSE I'm such a creepy bastard, I wouldn't.
-Nathan Winant
Our chocolate ration has been increased! We're winning the war with
Eurasia! All Hail glorious Bill!
-Nathan Winant
Thats what it always comes down to isn't it? Breasts and Edgar Allen
Poe.
-Garth
No, the only halfway decent answer is no answer. Not right, but not
wrong, and you can hope for no more than that. If pressed, become all
the more silent, slowing your breathing and heartrate as necessary. If
later questioned, you may lie about it claiming you suffer from
epileptic narcolepsis or some such, but even this is to court with
danger. Silence. Blessed silence. You cannot thrive unless you speak,
but in the world of proactive meetings of ramped-up interdepartmental
synergistic collaborative ventures, they do not flail the meek. No,
my friend, they do not flail the meek.
-Nathan Winant
Knowledge: It's more than a hobby. It's a weapon that can be used
against other knowledge.
-Nathan Winant
Welcome believer. I am "Geritode, the Flaccid", the human/alien
liaison for this list.
-Kevin
It just wouldn't be the US if your law enforcers and policy makers
didn't violate your contitution.
-Felix
Im giving up my corn fetish. too long has the evil plagued me. No
more. NO MORE! BEGONE VILE CORN! NO!!!! LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
-ghostxxx
Hmm... the M$ spellchecker doesn't recognize "Baal". I'm genuinely
surprised.
-Nathan Winant
When ET came out, I was like 11 or 12 years old. I had a toy ET
finger, a battery-powered latex replica which fit over a child's
finger and lit up when you pressed the end against something. I
remember getting in trouble once when my grandmother found it because
"she knows what that is". Looking back, the only thing I can think of
is that she thought it was some sort of dildo. Which leaves me
wondering, what's more disturbing: the fact that my grandmother
believed an 11-year-old boy would own a dildo or even know what a
dildo is, or the fact that my now 90-year-old grandmother actually
believed that gnarled, nasty-looking, glow-in-the-dark latex alien
finger was a marital aid. Now that I think about it, I don't know
whatever happened to it. I think I'm going to be sick.
-Chris Wayne
I see what you mean, Nathan. It is definitely a thrill when you
corrupt others.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm giving up self-restraint and the denial of carnal desires. It's a
big sacrifice, but I think I can do it.
-Chris Wayne
I blame the kurds.
-Felix
As far as I can tell, you have three options:
A) Default to "no signature" and add one manually as needed
2) Remove your URL from your signature
d) Come out and express your love of the Elder Gods freely.
-Chris Wayne (accurate)
I'm undiagnosed and definately imbalanced and you don't see me killing
people and hiding them in the garage behind the water heater in a big
plastic bag that says "Do Not Open - Definately not dead people" on
it, do you?
-Garth
In psychology, there is a concept known as the archetype, which is an
idea or image which is common to all humans, regardless of cultural or
other boundaries. Archetypes include such entities as God (an ultimate
embodiment of goodness) and the devil (the opposite, the ultimate
evil). I propose a new archetype which should be just as universal:
the Keebler Tree. Externally strong and stout, but all dead and hollow
inside. The emptiness within is filled with imaginary beings and huge
amounts of chocolate. "But Your Honor, I was under the influence of
Elfin Magic!"
-Chris Wayne
There's nothing wrong with Goths, they add a bit of colour to the
1980s.
-Felix
I was at Fantasy Imports lately (local smoke store, odd items)
purchasing a new steamroller and I was 'browsing' as I have a tendency
to do when presented with such a cornucopia of oddities, when what did
I find? Gnome Tarot Cards. They really do know everything.
-Josh M.
There is but one rational explanation for these apparent
"coincidences": CLEARLY, MY VANS HAVE MAGICAL HOOJOO.
-Nathan Winant
I have a magical hoojoo.
-Garth
Bill Gates can sometimes be a force for good, as well as for evil.
-Felix
Now when was the last time a woman answered a question logically?
-Garth (him! him! not me!)
It is exactly as I planned! The great void you feel is, well, a great
void. I'm gonna shut up now.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Careful. If you get all the women on this list angry at you, well,
then you'd have around four angry women.
-Alloni Kramer
Whoa. I even frightened _myself_ with that one...
-Josh Smith
so... what you are saying is that everyone needs a hard cock in their
lives?
-ghostxxx (how true)
ignore pornstars? now why would we want to do that??
-Amy Dawson
Hah. If I had a clitoris (particularly a sensitive one), I'd NEVER
leave the house.
-Josh Smith
dishonor on you
dishonor on your cow
-Terence P. Higgins's sig
There are some things man was not meant to know. I'm about half of
'em.
-Nathan Winant
You GO, garthfriend.
Never do that again.
-Nathan n' Garth
Hasn't anyone learned anything from the great mojo scare of 1938? And
to think, if the mojo and hoojoo combined somehow, I mean... my god.
-Jason
My question is, what are the women doing? And is there a wrench
involved?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I sense doom. DOOM, I SAY! DOOM!!!!!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
mwahahahaha *twitch* hahahahaha
-Bean
Why do I always have to do the work for the Xians? Maybe because the
only Xian here is the one who gets the clients. Bah! MUST HIDE
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN BANNER!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"You want to suckle her savory goodness?" This just doesn't make any
sense. Please write an essay of no fewer than 1000 words explaining
why you want to suckle her savory goodness, how you would go about
doing so, and any assistants or paraphanelia such a process would
entail.
-Nathan Winant
We're not so different, you and I. We both fight for "good". Oh, sure,
you fight for the protecting-innocents-and-conscienciously-recycling
"good", while I fight for the
self-serving-granny-kicking-kitten-eating "good" -- but the ideal is
the same. We both have nifty gimmicks and swag 60's wardrobes. We both
have roast chickens. Join me, Mr. Bradley.
-Nathan Winant (force for good)
Philosophy major.
It's good to meet a man with vision. And no future.
aw.. come on. he has a future. it just doesn't involve money
-Josh n' Jenn n' Amy
I will not give up coffee and chocolate. They bring me too much joy.
Oh, and sex too.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
but bean, if you fucked her, then you would likely get to fuck me too,
since i come with the package... and if theres 3 involved, why not
just make it a whole abducted bundle of writhing love where everyone
fucks everyone?
-ghostxxx (making a good point)
man thats crazy, I just shot up in my tounge and I couldnt talk
either....shit man imagine that, crazy world man....I was telling
myself, it will fell good (it always does) but man who knew i would
bleed that much....
-Greg (just don't ask)
What, you won't pick me because you're afraid I'll eat you? I'd only
eat Garth. Didn't I make that clear?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am full of cunning plans. Usually, they're completely useless and
irrelevant, but this time... BWAHAHAHAhahahahahahaha. Urp. 'scuse me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In times like this don't you wish you'd brought your Ben-Wa Balls?
-Josh Smith
Such questions are both poignant, and irrelevant. It's a tragic farce
on the face of the so called UN that such topics are poo-pooed in the
dining rooms of the elite. The gnomes are not completely blameless
themselves.
-Felix
That would make us very happy! Once we've conquered the world, we'll
have to remember to name a country after you :^)
-Michael Hale
I feel like masturbating. OK, I don't really feel like masturbating, I
was just trying to throw you off. I really feel like eating. But it's
just about as good. Especially if I take my clothes off to eat. Then
it's like masturbating, just without the touching-myself part, more
like a touching-my-food part instead. Well, and without the orgasm,
but that can be made up for later.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I would definitely draw the line at accepting dsylexic spiders.
-Felix
Redemption is mine!! I think me and my penis deserve an apology.
-Khanh Nguyen
Very dark. Very gothic. Wail with me by the moonlight shadowkiss.
Whatever that means.
-Nathan Winant
I would never deny the sexuality of my co-saviors. Especially while
they are far away.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (expert opinion)
WAIT! I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO GIBO!!! NATHAN ATE HIS SOUL! Damn it
Nathan. We liked him.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you bitter and cynical."
-Overheard at APE
Maybe I'll actually start looking for possible SOs. Maybe we'll all
go skiing together in hell. I'm sure we'll all be there soon. Very
soon, if I've timed the explosives correctly.
-Alloni Kramer
what the hell is happenning to me? I wasn't this bitter and cynical
yesterday.
-Jonathan Mayer
My cat has been throwing his body into the computer room door trying
to get it open to come and bug me for half an hour. I think I should
maybe start rationing his crack.
-Bean
Just so you know: I've been sitting here at this terminal for the past
thirty minutes, trapped by my own ennui in this cubicle, anticipating,
dreading, waiting for the next abducted email to appear in my inbox.
thanks bean. It was worth it.
-Jonathan Mayer
I loathed submitting to the iron-pawed rule of Milo, my cat-master.
-Jonathan Mayer
woo hoo. my 1st quote. I have arrived. Or Alloni has lowered his
quotability standards. Either way.. woo hoo.
-Kevin
aw.. i wanna be quoted next month
-Amy Dawson
Official Abducted pr0ning Trip of the Month: (Jonathan Mayer)
Went to my first go-go bar two nights ago. Just for the hell of it
(and it was the only thing open at 1am). Slumming...
Sadly, it was not as exciting as I had always imagined go-go bars
being. No obnoxious drunk bikers. The lewd women were merely enticing.
(They kept their tips in large locked titanium money boxes.) Some
Scary Middle Aged Bastards. Mostly computer programmers like myself.
Like ... myself! Ulp.
Watched the two computer programmers pretend to play pool during the
floor show. Yep. We just came here to play pool. Watched an elder
gentleman lay three twenties on one busty young latina stripper. hmm.
The women... eh. I guess it was fun to be able to practive my evil
dirty old man leer without fear of repercussions. It might come in
handy some day. I enjoyed the surrealist touches ... like walking
into a 3D soft-core porn movie, except you can't touch anything and
you've lost the remote.
Poked my head into the adult book store next door. Flipped idly
through an issue of 'two-way swingers'. Sniffed at the
semen-encrusted video arcade in the back. Sat down in the
semen-encrusted plastic lawn furniture, and plopped a dollar into the
machine. Video arcades always seem to have the most degrading
pornography available ... when you're in the mood for that.
Apparently, the last person had left the machine tuned to the amateur
kiddie-porn channel. I watched what looked like a 16-yr old girl
(jeez I hope not) tit-fuck the camera man for a little while. I
listenned to him prompt her for lines like, "Yes, I want to be a
little cum slut whore." Left, flacid, disgusted.
Not the most positive adult book store experience I've ever had. But
I guess I got what I was looking for...
Official Abducted greyLogic of the Month: (grey or not)
1) cap'n crunch is love
2) ios is love
3) not going to work is love
4) crashing your car is NOT love
5) not going to austin is NOT love
6) boy is love
7) all of the above
therefore:
1) cap'n crunch is ios
2) going to work is not love
3) crashing your car is not going to austin
3.5) boy is love
4) all of the above.
therefore:
1) going to work is not cap'n crunch, nor is it ios
2) crashing your car is not all of the above, nor is it going to
austin.
3) boy is love.
hooray. i think sex is better than logic. etc.
goodnight. more cap'n crunch for me.
The Unofficial Unabducted You Never Saw This Door Door of the Month:
(Felix)
I was walking through an old part of the city last night (on the way
back from more free Microsoft food and drinks) when I noticed a very
thin white marble building with a very tall oak door. There were
runes and sigils carved all over the face of the building. A small
golden plaque was located near an intercom, it read :
"The Friendly Order of Strangers".
This building was halfway down a little used alley, with no car
access. It was all I could do not to press the intercom button.
The Official Abducted Reason Men Rule The World of the Month: (Nathan)
*sigh*... alright. I shouldn't answer this, there will surely be
retribution from my peers for answering this, but this whole charade
has gone on long enough. And hell, you won't believe me anyway...
There are only THREE THINGS that turn men on: cars, sports, and WWII.
Not every man will be turned on by ALL these things, but every man
will be turned on by at least one of them. "Pornography" and the like
are part of a massive gender conspiracy to fool women into feeling as
though they have some power, however slight, and to thereby keep them
ignorant and submissive.
This is the TRUE cause of homophobia: gay males just don't "get it".
The fear, then, is that closeted and straight-acting gays will adopt
and, over time, teach their male children TO BE TURNED ON BY WOMEN.
While this attitude is admittedly rather irrational, it's easier to
understand in light of the very real and quite horrific ramifications
such a series of events would come to yield. Women would have true
power over society. Inside a decade, all war as we know it would come
to an abrupt end. The global economy would become more consumer-driven
than we can possibly imagine. Civilization as we know it would eat
itself alive.
The world would be forever changed into a wasteland of deserted shoe
stores stretching as far as the eye can see, abandoned emergency
broadcast stations mornfully playing reruns from the Lifetime network
over and over, and the lone, painful lament of the masses: "Do I look
fat?"
... Truly, the living would envy the dead.
The Official Abducted Codex Seraphinus of the Month: (Felix)
17.2 And, yea! Under the elm was found the maggot infested liver
from the Undeliverer. Once gathered and sacrificed to He Who Sits On
The Mountain (in the proper way, see 92.1) it was found that the
portal was activated.
17.3 The portal was summoned to the point of Severed Desecration,
under the Trial of Roger Mountain. The Seventh Son was bade unto the
portal by the Decrepid Elder of Joscanth.
17.4 Under the Unsigned Rule of Interference, the Upright Pederast
drew a barrier across the portal. The Seventh Son, unable to break
his geas, entered the barrier and was broken usunder.
17.5 Ley Lines emanating from the portal carried the energy from
the Broken Son unto the workshop of Thaal, in South West London.
Emily, the Random Schoolgirl of Doom, was the final focal point.
Emily killed and ate her teacher, the Eaten One of Brokenness.
17.6 Alloni, in his jest, walked into the Wall of Collision.
The Official Abducted Penguin Story of the Month: (Thomas E.
Williams)
So, I'm walking down the street the other day and meet this penguin.
I walk up to the penguin and ask him "What the hell are you doing here
Mr. Penguin? This is Richardson, Texas. No penguins live here." The
penguin tells me he's here to find work and it's very discriminatory
of me to assume that since he is a penguin he doesn't belong here. I
ask the penguin "Well, here in Richardson they are always looking for
people to work in the technology sector. Do you have a degree in
computer science or electrical engineering?" "Heavens, no! but I do
have a Ph.D in art history from Williams" says the penguin. I'm
standing there wondering what a person with an art history degree is
going to do in Richardson. "Last time I was in Kinkos they were
hiring.", I mention casually. "It's a pretty good job. They have
health insurance and you get free copies." Free copies would be the
reason that I'd work there. When the penguin hears about Kinkos, he
gets upset--not actually upset, more of a show of upset. I could tell
by the look in his eyes that he had heard this suggestion before. Art
historians are tough people/animals; they are real gamblers when it
comes to the game of success. There are basically two options: #1 be
an amazing art historian and become really famous and fly around the
world and eat lunch with ambassadors and heads of major
museums/corporations who plan on donating to museums or #2 get a job
somewhere like Kinkos. It's not uncommon to walk into any Kinkos and
see three art historians working there. The ones with Ph.D.'s get to
be managers. Art history in fact is one of the only degrees that is
less useful than a visual art degree. At least visual artists have
skills that they can use to make things for a living.
The penguin is feigning upset, so like any good dallasite I ask him if
he wants to go to lunch. The penguin asks if we can go somewhere that
has seafood. I explain to him that although I love seafood I refuse
to eat it anywhere except New Orleans. This is followed by a
conversation about how often I go to New Orleans and had I been to
Mardi Gras? (of course I had. Why visit New Orleans when it is not in
its fullest depravity?) Nonetheless, the penguin insists that we go
somewhere that serves seafood.
The only place I know of that serves good non-sea food and, from what
I hear, good seafood is called Pho Cong Lee. It's this Vietnamese
noodle soup restaurant, down on Greenville Ave. just north of Belt
Line Rd. and their food is just euphoric. I swear they put opium in
their soup; it's so good. I tell the penguin about this place and he
agrees that it would be good to have noodle soup with seafood in it.
So we get in my 1989 geo metro, a car I am very proud of. In fact,
it's not just a car it's an entertainment experience. As you enter the
metro and lower yourself into its cockpit, you are overwhelmed with
sensory stimulation. On the dash in front of you floats the requisite
hula-girl. Her sidekick is a bobbing head dog. Not like the bobbing
head dog in the back window in that Taco-Bell commercial. More like
the talking Chihuahua in the Taco-Bell commercials. Above them is a
jungle of --what do you know?-- Mardi Gras beads that need no
explanation. If you are lucky the really big rubber housefly will
fall on you when I make a hard right turn. If you're even luckier you
might get to exit via the emergency exit which is plainly marked in
the middle of the windshield.
Anyway, we arrive at Pho Cong Lee very hungry and likewise
entertained. We sit down. The waiter wanders over. We order a #32a,
a #34, and an order of spring rolls, which contain shrimp, but I don't
admit that they exist. Anyway, the food comes and I show the penguin
to put lots of this chili sauce that has a picture of a chicken on it
in his soup. The penguin puts half the bottle in his soup and eats it
all really fast. I eat mine really fast too. (At my parents house, if
you don't eat quickly, you don't eat much.)
We sit back and relax and start to talk politely about the
relationship between art historians and practicing artists. He goes
off on this tirade about how art critics/historians are the people who
ensure the artist a place in history, that the artist should
appreciate art critics/historians more. Just as he starts to discuss
what Pollock owes to Clement Greenburg he catches on fire, starts
screaming and runs out of the restaurant.
I ran to the door, but the penguin was gone.
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