|
|
|
Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
|
WU-TANG!$#% I am from the Shaolin school of martial arts. You
are my sworn enemy. i will punish you with butter. i will deprive
you of daily spring roll. you will trip in rock and scuff knee.
you will be with funny hair. right. lets go.
-ghostxxx
I think I'm gonna be invited to appear on the Jerry Springer
show. I just have that feeling.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (lifestylings)
This was the best part. "I'm not offended by the replacement of
a kiddie cartoon show with lesbian porn, so long as there are
clothes involved and at least one guy gets to enjoy it
close-up-like."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
YOU KNOW, I don't appreciate this. I don't mind people
suggesting that I'm a completely irrational, petty, pointlessly
argumentative, misanthropic, sad little man, but there's no call
to attack my spelling.
-Nathan Winant
However, the love experienced in abducted is the only true kind
of love: great appreciation of those with like minds, countered
with spitefulness towards "outsiders" (even when that's us) and
just a sprinkle of bitterness.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Children, children. <Alloni shimmers, and takes the form of a
matronly prostitute.> If some young boys don't begin to behave,
I know some boys that will be getting a spanking.
-Alloni Kramer
Doesn't yours have something to that effect ghx? If it does then
set it and we can stop fighting over stupid things like word wrap
and get back to meaningful debates on things like body fluids and
your favorite color.
-Garth
I'm uncomfortable with a major school of philosophic thought
being named after me. I suppose I could live with it, however.
Thousands of years from now, people will make bad jokes using my
name about philosophy. That, if anything, is a good reason for
me to exist.
-Alloni Kramer
Speaking of Springer, I've recently been trying to get a bunch
of the people I know out here to collaborate w/ me on some
horridly sordid, convoluted story so we can get a on Springer --
I mean, come on. A free trip to Chicago, AND nationwide
humiliation. You just can't BEAT a deal like that.
-Nathan Winant
What is the SSPO? Sorta Secret Phonetic Omnipedia?
-Gary Sommer
Oh finally I am loved for something other than providing shelter
and food for the family. I mean even my bird bites me.
-Gary Sommer
Did I mention that I found a site that sells "Invasion of the
Killer Samurai Sluts from Hell" for $9.95?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
On my last day of work, my boss is planning on killing me and
burying me under the trees out front so I don't reveal company
secrets. It was nice knowing you people.
-Alloni Kramer
THIS IS PC POLICE PC THUGS, TAKE THESE PEOPLE AWAY THEY HAVE
BEEN THINKING OFFENSIVE THOUGHTS.
-greyrose
I once knew how to read caps. It's a shame really, that I've lost
the talent. I could be in real trouble here.
-Felix
If you think that's bad, you should hear me and Celeste talk
when we're drunk. It's a different language than English, it
just contains English words. FEEEEEEEEEEEZE
CHURRRRRRRRRGER!!!!!!! FEEEZE CHURRRRGER NOWWWWWW!!!
translation: "I am hungry. Take me to the nearest drive-thru."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You'll regret that. It'll be too late when you feel Mary's
breath on the back of your neck. Her hot breath, making the
hairs stand up. Her pert bossom heaving. And would you look at
that ass. Uhmmm... sorry. What were we talking about?
-Garth
Ever since I accidentally forgot to erase "Bart Simpson's letter
to God," my mom's been emailing me twice a week with conversion
attempts. Let's see, I've been deluged with Christianity ever
since I was a baby, and I still refuse to have faith in it (which
is not to say that I reject it entirely, but hell, the same thing
applies to Zoroastrianism). But maybe an email with lots of
biblical quotes will be the magic bullet that leads to my
"salvation"... Arrggh.
-Joshua Smith
Nonsense. I've taken too many hits off my bong and I couldn't
open a tamper proof seal much less design one.
-Garth
I'm feeling violent. Violent. Violence makes victims of us all.
Violence is never the answer... No, always the answer. Kill them
all. Kill them all!
-Terri C. Sheep
"Attention, students: Today in the caffeteria we will be serving
Soylent(TM) brand "beef-alternative" burgers. In a totally
unrelated announcement, due to a sudden, inexplicable drop in the
student popualtion, tuition fees will be increasing by twenty
percent in the new year. Thank you."
-Terri C. Sheep
Jennifer naughty girl. You spank later. *Not* spank monkey.
You spank *Jennifer*. Good Richard. Skritch skritch skritch.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I hereby christen myself BITCH. All pay homage.
-ghostxxx
This is a test of the emergency bitch system. This is only a
test. Had this been an actualy emergency, I would not be
speaking to you right now. However, I might be yelling.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Mr Excito -- not one not two not three not four not five not six
but seven yes seven attachments. I love my vibrator. He is one
of my oldest and dearest friends. I've actually been thinking of
retiring him. I've had him for eight years now and parts of him
are getting rusty.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (doesn't that _hurt_?)
I have a special tool for crevices.
-Garth (that's why we love him)
See? Just a sprinkle of bitterness makes us all feel so much
better.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I think my whole philosophy on relationships has regressed to
that of middle school and early highschool... I now have crushes
on girls, when they spend the night we are having a slumber
party, uhm... i dont like girls that have ccooties and i can't
remember anything else.
-ghostxxx
Is this supposed to be a threat? "Oh, well, if _you_ won't do
it, I'll just have to get someone _else_ to do it. That'll show
you."
-Alloni Kramer
It's actually pretty simple. If I could figure it out, anyone
can. I think I just insulted myself.
-Chris Wayne
Maybe my gimmick could be that I broadcast naked, from
horseback.
-Nathan Winant
Consider the unstoppable fighting force that is the Swiss Army.
No other army on earth can walk out onto the battlefield and
open cans, tweeze their eyebrows, pick clean their teeth, screw
and/or unscrew both flat and phillips, and when the fighting's
all done, sit down and file their nails. Not to mention open beer
bottles! The handy corkscrew is the secret of world domination.
-Chris Wayne
You cannot fight a war with the little scisors.
-grey
Actually, you can, as long as your foes don't carry rocks.
-Eyedunno
But, hey, the Force is strong in me, so I might as well waste it
on cheap laughs.
-Alloni Kramer
Is this that sarcasm thing? I hear its ever-growing popularity
is being mitigated by streams of abuse from the afflicted
parties. Still, a popular groundswell is massing behind it, so
the popular support might carry it all the way into the
Presidential elections.
-Alloni Kramer
Hmm... You've given me an excuse to smoke weed today, despite my
low supply, so... ...One wacky drug-inspired posting coming right
up... Hopefully.
-Eyedunno
Keep up the good fork!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've got an easier solution. A better solution. A RELIGIOUS
solution. From this point forward, I am married to everyone on
the Abducted mailing list. None of you may date or intermarry,
for I am a Jealous Man.
-Nathan Winant
I apologize for any complications this may cause for those who
previously were jewish, muslim, hindu, buddhist, crystal
cruncher, or any of those other make-believe religions, but hey,
it wasn't like anyone was taking you seriously anyway.
Similarly, I realize this may be a bit of an adjustment for our
previously non-American friends/family, but let's face it, you
were all slowly adopting the nationality anyway, McDonald's uber
alles.
-Nathan Winant
Can we still make snide remarks about each other and get a
hearty laugh whenever one of us REALLY screws up, just like a
real family?
-Chris Wayne
I wasn't sure on the timetable. It's kind of like watching a
Springer marathon; you forget who's a transvestite and who's a
real woman after a while.
-Chris Wayne
But imagine how weird it would be to have your mother explain to
you how to satisfy a lover. That's just weird. I would have
been traumatized.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Did Gibo send you? Where is Gibo? He owes me money. I know
he's watching me. Are you watching me? Are you Gibo?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Actually, I was engaged in creating a religion with its precepts
being your statements. Unfortunately, since you just told me not
to do this, the paradox will slowly consume more and more of my
processing power until I self-destruct. Hopefully I have a
backup somewhere.
-Alloni Kramer (aboot Chris Wayne)
Right. And you can use the USPS to send a Rhino to Brazil, but
that doesn't mean that it was ever intended to be used to those
extremes, nor should it be, nor is it really good for the Rhino.
-greyrose
Not to cloud the issue with facts, but you can only mail up to
70 lbs. So, you CAN mail a rhino to Brazil, just not all in one
package.
-Chris Wayne
Whoever did this, you're DEAD! I mean simultaneously burned at
the stake, hanged, disemboweled, and drawn and quartered DEAD!
Oh wait, it was me. I guess I'll just go for a public
self-flagellation, then.
-Eyedunno
Sounds good to me. In fact, if ANYONE needs a Love Slave, I,
like, dont have an plans for the next couple weeks, so... Not to
mention I'm a hot daddy out for some Jedi lovin', or something.
-Eyedunno
Intelligent people usually have spare processing cycles, so you
might not really have their undivided attention. Dumb people
don't have enough attention to divide. Just multiply.
-Chris Wayne
You pay money for onanism? That's the saddest thing I've ever
heard.
-Chris Wayne
I think this list needs more nudity. I'm naked! Well, apart from
boxer shorts and a watch.
-Eyedunno
I had to run down to the store to get some milk just so I could
laugh it out my nose.
-Garth
I think I should officially be the other white meat. Ask Nathan
he's seen my legs.
-Garth
Now I have images of jedisex flowing through my brainses. My,
The Power Of The Force makes for some interesting positions...
-Alloni Kramer
I need to start posting again, so's I can make the quotes again,
I feel so.. detached from you all, so out of the loop.
-Bean (see! it works!)
Oh, it's the sugar. Oh, the tofu did it. Oh, artichokes ate my
baby and raped my dog. And don't even ask about the quail under
glass ala creme brulee de menthe au gratin.
-Alloni Kramer
My boss is being nice to me by participating in criminal
activities for me. I always enjoy that.
-Alloni Kramer
Really? I know this guy in TX.SF.TX who's been quite a pain in
the ass lately... No it's no one on this list. In fact I don't
really know anyone in SF outside this list and was shamelessly
fibbing. I just wanted to see how itchy your boss' trigger
finger is.
-Eyedunno
I've lost over $5000 in the stock market in the last three days.
Market fluctuations irk me.
-Chris Wayne (plutocrat)
we have all been together too long ... our posts are starting to
look the same. heh, eventually we will establish a osmotic
equilibrium and everything we post will be identical and all we
will need is on person posting and responding.
-ghostxxx (or was it garth?)
I use Microsoft (tm) Fireplace 2.0b its more stable than ver
1.0, but still crashes a lot.
-ghostxxx
What happens? Does the fire go blue? Does the house burn down?
Does the fire take stock of your house contents and sent the
details to Microsoft via smoke signals?
-Felix
I need to borrow the upgrade from you then, my Fireplace 1.0
crashed last night and toasted my cat. but breakfast sure was
tasty.
-Fade
If you call me, and Michelle answers, tell her that she deserves
a raise. I'd tell her, but then I would actually have to give her
a raise. That would be difficult, since I'm paying her nothing,
and imagining her to boot. Too many voices.
-Alloni Kramer
yay. happy again. first eat sushi, then resub, then not kill
network tech nearly as hard.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
urg. womble phlegm. last drink tuna, before unsub, before kill
marketer softly.
-Felix
urc. weeble spin. last drink strong, between sub bun, while
kill mousketeer subtly.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (is this a competition?)
I like malt liquor. It's cheap. It's fast. It's painless. It's
amusing, at least in the immediate. And it numbs you to your
immediate surroundings, if not the world in general. In many
ways, it's quite like television.
-Nathan Winant
Did you know that until recently, I had no idea where to buy
crack? Well, from strangers, anyway. This is whjere I'd normally
say "But I digress..." But I'm not particularly digressing here.
Either that, or this email is just one long digression. In which
case the only "digression" would be to stay on topic. And there's
no danger of THAT, let me tell you...
-Nathan Winant
Yes, Nathan, you are a good chunk responsible for my being as
loud and obnoxious as I am today. You feel good about yourself
now, don't you. You're sitting there saying, "Aw, yeah," and
grinning. Well, consider this. You're replaceable now. You're
obsolete. The human race doesn't need you any more. You've
created your own replacement. And you know what that means -
this whole thing will turn into a critically acclaimed horror
movie that will sink without a trace at the box office. You
hear that, Nathan? WITHOUT A TRACE.
-Alloni Kramer
Besides, I would be lying. As our Australian friends know, sex
with a koala is a beautiful, wonderful thing, not to be ruined by
cheap laughs in mixed company like this. On with the program!
-Alloni Kramer
Sorry. You're about 80 days too late. I got married to a CPR
dummy named Actar in my first aid class on September 21st.
-Terri C. Sheep
I have been known to talk in my sleep. The most famous
incidents involve shaking my roommate awake to ask her if she has
made the ketchup, and singing Christmas carols as opera songs at
6am.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So the wisest man on the planet has Parkinson's Disease?
-Fade
I've just realized that I've been on this list for well over
three years now, from a variety of different addresses. I
remember when schwa still loved us. I got an email from Bill
Barker once. I'm just so... *sob* nostalgic right now...
-Bean (waxing poetic)
When I go to a borg movie, damnit, I want giant fucking computers
and machines and wires. I want alienation. I want a faceless
society to mirror the one I'm spending seven bucks to get the
hell away from.
-Nathan Winant
All little girls have a crush on him. Michael J. Fox somehow
seems to seamlessly combine the best aspects of a 12 year old boy
with the best aspects of an electra complex. Believe me. I
should know. =)
-Nathan Winant
Dude. we had better start looking for pods. I think they've got
Nathan. This is not my "but not like a philly cheesesteak"
Nathan. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
-Bean
I have set my phasers to splat, Captain Zombie, Sir.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
This was one of my major activities in middle school: writing
romance novels about Duran Duran, being a kleptomaniac, smoking
cigarettes, and programming animation in Apple Basic. Truly, I
was a sick, sick fuck.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
... There's a very simple moral issue here, and I think you can
plainly see what it is. You're ripping us all off, and you're
making no effort to cut me in on the take. I'm disappointed in
you, Jen.
-Nathan Winant
that WWJD crap has surfaced in the Reno/Carson/Tahoe area. I. Am.
Frightened.
-Bean
Nguyen means opium in vietnamese. My friend, Khanh Cao Nguyen's
name means "Kings Favourite Opium dealer" (or user, i dont
remember)
-ghostxxx (with interesting friends)
It takes time, but eventually you get used to depictions of
gaping orifices and giant artificial genitalia surrounding you
constantly.
-Chris Wayne
That reminds me. I uncovered evidence of an international
Zionist conspiracy. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything
about it since I ate a ham and cheese sandwich. mmm, pork. The
other white meat. There is no conspiracy.
-Chris Wayne
Damnit, you're going to get quoted for that one, I just know it.
I must even the score. I must come up with a line that alloni
can't resist quoting. Uhm... Uh... "Jews are neat."
-Nathan Winant (he knows me too well)
You don't know that for certain. With Alloni, all things are
possible. You're right, Jews ARE neat.
-Chris Wayne (putting him back in the lead - am I not
shameless?)
More likely is that at least one or two star destroyers are
lurking nearby, and then we're going to see the Prime Directive
crushed under the iron jackbooted heel of the Dark Side (a
personal dream of mine).
-Nathan Winant (dark lord of the sith)
Fry's has all the best elements of the worst of codependant
relationships.
-Nathan Winant
Schools just don't teach enough organized nerditry anymore.
nor do they teach organized nudity. its a sad world we live in.
-Garth n' ghostxxx
Jesus comes around at night and steals your children from their
beds. He also takes CD burners and flatbed scanners, which he
gives to me. We made a pact.
-Terri C. Sheep
I fear clowns.
-FelixDerek
That's it, YOU go sit in the corner! There'll be no more
slander on THIS list. At least not without sarcastic, humorous,
or socially subversive intent.
-Eyedunno
Feel very special. Feel the love. Feel the acceptance. Feel
the support. Feel the squishy. Feel the fact that I stopped
deleting *any* messages on 9/11/98. Feel Garth hungering for
your brain at the mere mention of love. Feel me gently rubbing
my cursor against the send button, sensually carressing your
<click!>
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Mmmmmmm.... My prostate gland throbs with delight.
-Eyedunno
I've opened my control panel and I'm turning all the knobs to
love.
-Garth (showing us what Abducted is all about)
Okay, now you go sit in the other corner. And if I see either
of you turning around and making faces at the other, you won't
get to eat finger jello with the rest of us.
-Eyedunno
I am Nathan. I only *look* like I have breasts.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (a dual mammalian mirage)
Something tells me not to upload my abducted mail into the
community computer.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (we _are_ a virus)
I think I am smoking crack.
-ghostxxx
Everyone in my family has used the same line on me as long as I
can remember. "Garth, would you put the lights on my tree? Your
so much better at it than we are." I always suspect that the
truth is that they're to lazy to do it themselves and over the
past few years I've turned out shoddier and shoddier work just to
see if it has an effect. It hasn't. So this year I'm just gonna
wad them up and throw them over the top. I'll chunk the ornaments
from across the room and get tinsel everywhere but the tree.
-Garth
abducted is a Monica-free zone. The DMZ of the internet...
hallelujah!
-Jonathan Mayer (we missed you!)
Australia, virgin territory. Your women shall become my crack
whore slaves, fool! Let the pillaging begin.
-Jonathan Mayer
stalk me baby
-Bean
"See a doctor? Bleeding from the eyes is perfectly normal."
-Chris Wayne
I won my first eBay auction yesterday. I feel so...
geek-o-riffic.
-Bean
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have begun our descent into a frigid
wasteland. Please keep your seatbelts securely fastened until
they remove your frozen carcasses from the cabin."
-Eyedunno
I don't understand why they want to see the inside of my
lunchbox. I bring them cookies and they want to open my
lunchbox. It confuses me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (unintentional sexual innuendo,
anyone?)
Just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah
(belatedly), Happy Kwanza, Joyous Yule, Happy Saturnalia, Happy
Ramadan (sp?), and [insert cheerful winter festival here]. May
you all have a relatively suicide-free holiday season.
-Chris Wayne
Parents: for some reason, my parents won't divorce because I
asked them to. I find this highly irritating. If they loved me,
they'd prove it by splitting apart and each of them trying to
bribe me to take their side with gifts and money. But they just
won't do it. I feel unloved.
-Alloni Kramer
Are you all fucking?
-greyrose
heart... bruise... means you are gonna get screwed royally by
some heartless bitch, you will become more bitter and mean and
insane, and we will love you more for it and send more fake
lovers to your house to hurt you.
-ghostxxx
Ah, christmas. My step-dad is up and has tuned into the gameshow
network. Ah, old people. This has givin me the excuse to sneak
off and smoke a jay. Ah, pot. I think I'll watch Sgrooge. Ah,
Dickens. It's the musical with Albert Finney and Obiwan as Bob
Marley. Ah, uhm, uhhhh... pot.
-Garth
I'm getting some Mormons imported next week. I called to order a
free bible, which will be hand-delivered by Church Elders (the
one I talked to on the phone sounded early 20s, if that) who
will talk to me about Christ. I'm trying really hard to think of
a way to offend them (or even corrupt them, if I'm lucky) that
won't lead to criminal prosecution or, even worse, constant
harassment to mend my evil ways. So far, I've come up with the
following:
* Leave pornography scattered over every piece of furniture
* Draw giant pentagram on living room floor
* Answer every question with "Satan compels me"
* Have a conversation with God or an invisible angel or demon
* Wallpaper my living room with pages from the bible
* Be extremely drunk when they arrive
* Invite them to an orgy
* Ask about their role in the New World Order
* Ask if Jesus was an alien
-Chris Wayne
I just woke up and I'm getting stoned before I even go
downstairs.
-Bean
My work computer did have a frequently updated "List Of People To
Kill" taped to it. Corporate people always noticed it, assumed
it was a joke, and laughed uneasily. The fools.
-Alloni Kramer
Of course, the computer is the one actually speaking the True
Name of God, not you, so it would wield that ultimate power. Puts
those Intel commercials into an entirely new perspective.
-Chris Wayne
Note to self: hug my computer today.
-Alloni Kramer
Your mamma's a Lama.
-Garth
What think you, oh learned sages? Let your eternal wisdom shine
down on me. Let your advice and counsel wash through me like
gentle zephers of synaptic brilliance.
-Felix (no sarcasm)
Official Story of The Founding Of Rome, Abducted-Style: (Chris
Wayne)
Mars didn't actually seduce the Vestal Virgin Rhea Silvia; she
lured him using her grail-shaped beacon. When he discovered he
had been duped, he naturally spanked her and, after the
spankings, the oral sex. Yadda-yadda-yadda, twins. Her father was
not thrilled about this particular virgin birth(s), so he put the
babies in a basket and floated them down the river, where they
met the baby Moses, who stole their rattles. The twins swore that
if they ever founded a city which someday spawned a mighty empire
and if that other baby ever became the major spiritual leader of
a habitually subjugated minority group then they would get their
rattles back, conquering, dominating, pillaging, and burning as
needed. As luck would have it, they never did get them back,
despite the conquest, domination, pillage, and burning.
The twins were rescued from the river by a she-wolf, who suckled
them and taught them many valuable skills, like wearing sheep's
clothing, huffing and puffing, and dressing like a grandmother.
They were discovered by a shepherd, who raised them and taught
them Latin, normally a fairly odd thing for a shepherd to do
except in central Italy a few millenia ago. They grew up and
decided to build a city. They fought over where to put it, and
with no conveniently shaking ground nearby to guide them, they
each started their own cities in different locations.
One day they got into a heated argument, and one brother killed
the other. Of course, they were twins, so it was hard to tell who
had killed whom. Legend has it that Romulus was the victor, and
he named his city Rome after himself. In reality, Remus won, but
with his brother dead, he no longer felt so competitive, and so
completed the city that his brother had built and named it Rome
in his honor. His orphaned nieces and nephews published several
books about him and told of his glorious plan for world conquest
by means of a contraption which he called the Tar Baby. He spent
the rest of his life in a briar patch.
Official Abducted Allpurpose Phrase Of The Month, The Sequel:
(Terri C. Sheep)
I was at extortion.com looking at the art and came across
fear.jpg It has inspired me. It would seem that the phrase "it is
fear" can be used as a reply in numerous common situations.
Teacher/Boss: Have you done such-and-such work?
You: It is fear.
Friend: So, want to hang out this weekend?
You: It is fear.
Repo man: I have to repossess all of your worldly belongings.
You: It is fear.
Alloni: I smite you.
You: It is fear.
Official Abducted Drug Trip Of The Month: (Garth) (does this
surprise anyone?)
We were sitting outside smoking when I suddenly knew that the
most important thing in the universe was that I get a glass of
orange juice immediately. As I walked inside time froze up around
me. The air thickened up so that it felt about as thick as water
and I was having to push my way thru it. I got my glass of orange
juice but before I could drink it I knew that the most important
thing in the universe was that I go lay down on the couch. Which
I did. Leaving my orange juice behind. I think I knew I left it
but couldn't stop my momentum. My friends were talking to me and
it seemed like whatever they said was a day getting to me. Its
hard to explain. Its like my short term memory had packed its
bags a took a vacation. My long term memory had jumped in to
help, but it gave everything that 'a while back' feel. I heard
what they said but was to interested in the time distortion to
talk about anything else.
Official Abducted Self-Insult Exchange of the Month: (tween me
an' Chris Wayne)
I think I just insulted myself.
Don't take that kind of thing sitting down! Insult yourself
back!
I'm afraid. I'm bigger than me.
That's why you do this kind of thing via email. No one is
bigger than anyone else on the Internet. Just remember not to give
yourself your real name, and you'll be fine.
It's too late. I already know where where I live. I don't want to
get myself mad. Who knows what I'd do?
Use an alias, then. You've already claimed you're stupid, so
you'd obviously fall for it.
I can't believe you said that. I'm so insulted. {Nah, I'd never
fall for that.} [What's an alias?]
I'm simply agreeing with what you yourself said. You couldn't
have any objection to that, could you?
There's going along with a joke and then there's outright
rudeness. {Good point. My fault.} [Mommy, what's ob-jeck-shun?]
Official Abducted Amazingly Prolonged War of the Month:
(between the Association/Establishment, incarnated as greyrose,
and The Felix Army, incarnated as Felix)
The Felix Army, in association with the Gnomes of Zurich, have
frozen all your bank accounts and put ebola virus in all of your
offshore operatives.
The real bank accounts have been liquidated while the Felix
Army was wasting their time with the false ones. Our robotic
offshore operatives are heading towards the Felix Army
encampments to return their kind gift of Ebola.
The Felix Army was aware of the duplicity with the bank
accounts, and made sure the correct ones were modified. Any
available balance in the real bank accounts is given in Thai baht
(ie. essentially worthless).
The Felix army operatives are immune to ebola; having
engineered it in the first place, they also created the vaccine.
The Association sends tremors when the country of Thailand is
bought by Microsoft, causing the Thai baht to skyrocket. The
Association then sinks half of its assets into their bases on
the moon.
The robotic offshore operatives have mutated the virus as to
circumvent any known vaccine.
The Felix army was aware of this possible ploy, so conspired to
buy all the distribution and warehousing chains in Thailand, and
is currently flooding the supply lines with Netscape and Sun
software. Microsoft stocks, and the baht, are currently taking a
hammering on NASDAQ.
The virus had a "tamper proof" seal. When tampered with, the
virus mutates into a bowel cleanser, providing the Felix army
operatives with a ten year respite from bowel cancer.
That's ok, 'cos The Association and The Establishment still
have our moon bases. Which we use to launch hundreds of
thousands of Key Lime Pies upon the Felix Army, rendering them
sticky, limey, and generally useless.
The engineers who were supposed to design the "tamper proof"
seal had taken too many hits off of Garth's bong, and instead
had it mutate into a "Bowl Cleaner." The Felix Army is
innundated with hundreds of thousands of packages of Tidy Bowl,
demoralizing them nearly completely.
The Felix army carry around with them instant beer gardens,
complete with sky-bombardment proof outdoor umbrellas.
The Felix army have been trained to ignore demoralising forces,
and instead launch into a rousing rendition of "Always look on
the bright side of life", whilst sipping expensive champagne
bought with funds stolen
Unfortunately, the variety of lime used in said Key Lime Pies
is corrosive to all previously known sky-bombardment matrials.
The troops get creamed, no matter what.
The robotic operatives (formerly overseas) then turn into
schoolyard bullies, and punch each and every member of the Felix
army in the nose while informing him that he is, in fact, a
"sissy."
The Felix army employs the secret Nethack power of #WIPE to
remove all pie before corrosion occurs.
The Felix army reports the operatives to the principal, and the
operatives are detained forever.
Nethack commands are illegal under the treaty of Bombay, 1984.
Felix, as leader of the Felix Army, is detained and tortured.
The principal is part of the Establishment. Duh.
The operatives go right back out to beat up more of the Felix
Army while the Felix Army whines "that's not fair!"
That treaty became invalid when Bombay ceased to exist. The
treaty of Mumbai however, allows full use of all nethack
commands.
The principal was replaced by Felix army stand-ins.
The people being beaten up are also stand ins. The Felix army
is currently bombarding the Association moon bases with Mariah
Carey broadcasts.
Is not.
Is not.
You can't disestablishmentilize the principal unless you're a
disestablishmentarianist.
The Mariah Carey broadcasts are reflected and twisted into Jim
Carey broadcasts, bombarding the Felix Army with endless rounds
of "The Cable Guy."
(Off "topic" : I just heard my coworker say something about
"Can't you just get a piece of cable and tie her up?)
The Felix army regrets that it does not have a cable long
enough.
The Establishment _always_ keeps plenty of category 5 cable
around.
The Felix army believes itself to be above cable.
Above cable?
What kind of godless heathens ARE you?
|