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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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I've seen this movie. He'll find God allright, and when they're making
out in his car this big guy in a hockey mask will skewer them both
with a machette.
-Garth
I think it should be based on body mass. For instance, my life would
be worth about half that of a 400-pound person, at least twice what
Kate Moss is worth, about three midgets, or a whole pile of infants.
On the other hand, if you were starving, your value as a person would
dramatically and rapidly decrease as time went on, so killing and
eating your friends is the only way to maintain your own self-worth.
-Chris Wayne
One in three black men is a radio? This troubles me.
-Chris Wayne
Warning: Eating McDonald's employees can be harmful to your health.
-Chris Wayne
Has anyone noticed that the sun has shown much less of a yellow
element in the past year or so. It's fuckin' pure white!
-Joshua Smith
Xena ravaged you on the floor on your honeymoon?
-Garth
I, on the other hand, belong to the rare .1% minority: I believe
myself to be better than most other drivers, _because I am better than
most other drivers_. Sheep. They are all sheep.
-Nathan Winant
The Light is just as inclined to mock the Darkness as the other way
around. We're just more snotty about it.
-Alloni Kramer
After being shot at Deely Plaza, JFK's brain disappeared. It secretly
went into the black monolith orbiting Jupiter and became the giant
glowing fetus who benevolently rules the earth.
-Chris Wayne
Jennifer is actually Lilith, Adam's first wife before Eve.
-Chris Wayne
Don't make me import some bullfrogs into the ecosystem, goddammit!
-Joshua Smith
That is peachy that the universe has changed on you. Just remember
don't let someone rip the rug of reality out from under your feet, it
makes you feel quite insane for a while and you are not ever the same
again.
-Cheri Nelson
I personally might consider chewing on tree bark before the act of
erotic cannibalism and single-handedly repopulating the earth.
-Chris Wayne
Sure, if this Sen is a vampire or were-thing or something like that.
Not if it's just a Japanese pixie. Tinkerbell-san.
-Chris Wayne
"This", he said to me in a deep cow like voice, "is the spirit of
paranoia". Forfax smeared the spirit on the shit coloured bumper and
kicked him out of the room. A few hours later we left the pub and we
saw the bumper cowering against a tree. He was mumbling about his
wife being a government agent. Forfax snorted and bade me goodbye.
-Felix
Things must be bad if you can't find drugs in South America.
-Chris Wayne
Gypsies? All this time I've been insulted gypsies, when I really only
wanted to insult Egyptians. Sun-worshipping heiroglyphic morons....
-Chris Wayne
Kids today, with the honesty and the Rock and Roll. I miss the good
old days, when you could look a man in the eye and tell him a
bald-faced lie, then stab him in the back when he wasn't looking.
Nowadays it's all tell-the-truth and murder-is-bad. That's the problem
with the world today. No morals.
-Chris Wayne
Hey! I don't remember calling Nathan a lima bean!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And, as a retaliatory strike, we can send some crack mutant killer
koalas over there.
-Felix
what in hell does shaving my legs have to do with putting duct tape
over my crotch?
-ghostxxx
Come to the goth side, and together we will rule the coffee houses as
Father and Son!!!
-Nathan Winant
I don't see how sending over naturally occuring hallucinogens is much
of a threat...
-Nathan Winant
I'm SO glad I didn't snort it, like I usually consume my email.
-grEy
Somebody shoot me before I become a doctor in my spare time.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Your brain doesn't like being dehydrated and overactive. It hurts.
Please make the hurt stop. Don't beat me master. Ahh, soothing
alcohol. Oblivion.
-Felix
Take two men and call me in the morning. Better yet, take two men and
call me in time to get there before you're done.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes I know it could eat the children, but its so cute.
-Garth
gee yeah, thats the first thing i think of. "SHIT THIS IS HOT, GET ME
AN ICE COLD GLASS OF RICE!"
-ghostxxx
Ahem. Your mouth is part of your gastrointestinal tract. I wonder if
your ass is currently on fire.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'll have to research several varieties, and quantities of beer. This
could take some time, and lots of beer.
-Trevor Walton (aiming for a research grant)
You could test it better by eating a habanero pepper, then gargling
vodka.
-Joshua Smith (upping the ante)
I read, I just don't comprehend. Comprehending is for those chumps who
believe that economic rationalism is a good thing. I can draw a long
bow, but I can't comprehend it. I also choose to ignore certain words
or phrases that disagree with my world view.
-Felix
Does this have anything to do with the apocalypse? Do you have the
mark?
-Trevor Walton
Jesse "The Body" Ventura was yesterday elected Governor of Minnesota.
Forecast calls for rains of blood, fire, brimstone.
-Chris Wayne
A kilogram of US$100 bills will buy you a new house. A kilogram of cut
diamonds will buy you a small country. A kilogram of marijuana will
buy you a lot of new friends. A kilogram of weapons-grade plutonium
will buy you all of the above.
-Chris Wayne
We are Garth. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
-Chris Wayne
My son, maybe so, but there nothing like a fetus-chick. man o' man.
-baagoo
My mother says studies prove that your father is full of crap.
-Garth (being diplomatic)
Not only was I unaware that it was guy picking season again, but I
also did not know that ghost was a migrant worker.
-Garth
So do I have to fill out an application of some sort to become part of
the Garth collective?
-Travis Mikalson
You know what, if you pretend to convert to Catholicism, you can
pretend to get your foreskin back. [Sorry, this offer is open to
Jewish people only]
-Chris Wayne
I was always quite fascinated by this guy's worm.
-Travis Mikalson (I am everyone's worst nightmare)
Unfortunately, I have no convenient chasm to toss myself into. Will
you accept standing in a ditch as an appropriate substitute?
-Alloni Kramer
You're on a roll today. Musta finally gotten some pot.
-Joshua Smith (about Garth)
Boy, I've seen things that would fry your retinas like bacon and serve
them to you on toast with a light bearnaise sauce and some paprika and
some parseley for color, not that you'd need color, what with your
retinas being fried up like bacon and all.
-Chris Wayne (going for the gold)
You know. Because people's pet horses are being kidnapped in the dead
of night and eaten.
-grEy
Fruity poontang? Pebbles became a hooker.
-Garth
Your clit is not as heavy as an electric drill.
-JLL's SSPO
Does that include tree weasles?
-Garth
No it was the Italians who visited hawaii. Marco Polo stopped off
there on the way back from China. He arrived back in Rome with a
barrel of gunpower, a couple of shrinkwrapped packets of pasta, a
"Brady Bunch in Hawaii" T-shirt, a pig, and a few pineapples.
-Felix
i dont get it. please explain. phrase your answer in the context of
the fact that I've sold out.
-squish
Memo to self: slaughter the infidel.
-Alloni Kramer
Chain mail is always in season.
-Chris Wayne
This idea, of course, lead to endless confusion over whether tomatoes
are fruit or vegetables and lends credence to my position that
tomatoes are yet another punishment on the white man from the Atzec
gods, like tobacco, cocaine, chocolate, and corn.
-Chris Wayne
Is cocaine a fruit or a vegetable?
-Garth
Oh, look, the whole earth is rippling over there. Let's build here.
-Chris Wayne
Fortunately, the truly stupid manage to kill themselves before they
can breed. That's why I always run down kids who wander out into the
street without looking, to breed that trait out of humanity and avert
tragedies to come. The children are our future, after all.
-Chris Wayne
wow, you have a detachable clit?
-ghostxxx
... or, the rippling earth could just be a sign of favor from the
gods. I dunno. I've never been an 18th century settler.
-Nathan Winant
this building sucks cock.
Truly, I would not mind working in your building.
-grEy n' Joshua Smith
"Today in Texas, 16,999,850 people drank plenty of fluids."
-Garth
I fail to see the irony. It is like neither rain on my wedding day nor
a free ride when I'm already late, although it does bear a striking
resemblance to good advice that I just didn't take. Who would have
thought? It figures.
-Chris Wayne
Thats why I get all my news from abducted. If you're gonna be
confused at least be entertained.
-Garth
It's OK. Settle down. I was kidding about the face rats. Officer, put
away the face rats and get the nose roaches.
-Chris Wayne
Just doing my part to make myself more valuable, so I'll be put in a
position of authority when the Alien Overlords come down and take
over.
-Alloni Kramer
While I have you all here, I love each and every one of you. Sort of.
-Garth
I wore it for Halloween too. Well, Halloween eve, since I got naked
for halloween.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
<concern mode> Why, LON, you are so bitter today. Haven't you been
getting laid?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We must begin now, with the young, to adecate them to polute more
carefully and lead America into the glorius Fourth Rike. Glorius.
-Chris Wayne
Don't you all realize that the universe will collapse in upon itself
in just sixty or seventy billion years and no one is doing anything
about it?
-Garth
Haven't stumbled across any universal truths for the past few moments,
except for the tiger. But I don't want to talk about the tiger. The
tiger is staring at me. Let's not talk about the tiger.
-Alloni Kramer
OR, the universe expands, everything getting farther and farther away
from each other. Kind of like a nuclear family... Until it all freezes
over, like my aunt Edna. Of course, she wasn't really my aunt, she was
a spy, but you get the idea.
-Brian Randall
Mr Rogers is after all my real father.
-Kip Knightingly
i had temporary death once.
-ghostxxx
Don't they have some kind of gene therapy for that. Running chests
sounds like such a hassle.
-Chris Wayne
Somewhere, off in the distance, an English teacher explodes.
-Chris Wayne
Acid rain my left gonad! I drank a cup of this so-called acid rain and
didn't even get a buzz.
-Gary Sommer
Yes, but there's the whole second-hand email thing. If you send
someone email, you're sending email to all of their friends, and all
their friends' friends. You can get AIDS like that, you know.
-Alloni Kramer
I just heard a door slam. Which is odd, since I am currently nowhere
near a door. Maybe it was an explosion in the far off distance ... Is
Indonesia still about? Perhaps California has slid into the sea?
-Felix
Do you think I'd lie about something like that over the internet? Next
you'll probably say you don't believe I'm a secret agent. Or a giant
mutant monster. Or a thirteen year old vietnamese girl.
-Garth
Someone bang my head against the wall, I am too weak to do it myself.
-Cheri Nelson
Fear of punishment, never. Fear of ridicule, constant. Thank you all
for sharing in my childhood traumas.
-Chris Wayne
Now I feel boring. I don't do drugs, smoke or alcohol... I do
caffiene.
Don't feel bad. At least you can be boring very, very quickly.
-Cheri Nelson n' Chris Wayne
WOOP! hooray! congrats on your return to abductification. or from
abductification. as the case may be.
-grEy
Another one submitted into fear. As it should be. Muhahaha. My power
only increases with every passing day...
-grEy
What makes you think that? I've never even seen this joint. Uhmm I
mean a joint.
-Garth
How can you follow the conversations that go on here without some form
of medication?
-Logan
Thanks, I didn't need that pesky self-esteem any way.
-Cheri Nelson
Rmember, If you like Brian's E-mails, and would like to see more
quality E-mails like this in the future, you pledge makes all the
difference. Members who call in now recieve the following, 100$ the
feeling of knowing you have done a lot to help, 200$ a genuinely
greatfull smile, 300 we'll give your cat back to you in one piece,
400$ the dubious feeling that someone has just tricked you out of
400$.
-Brian Randall
And Abducted isn't work-related? Abducted doesn't keep you from going
INSANE and murdering your boss and perhaps the majority of your
coworkers?
Isn't it more likely that Abducted would drive her to do that? At the
very least, we strongly encourage it. Go ahead, you'll feel better.
-Josh Smith n' Chris Wayne
I'm not sure how to respond to this. So I suppose I'll take it as a
compliment. Otherwise I would have to hunt you down, kill you, and
eat your flesh, and that's so much work.
-Alloni Kramer
I ask myself how you found this. "Self," I say, "do you think he was
looking for penis enlargement techniques or researching medieval
torture devices?" My self says it really doesn't want to know which. I
have to agree.
-Chris Wayne
I'm the most normal one here!!
That's like saying you're the yellowest Smurf.
-grEy n' Chris Wayne
No, I mean, "billyons and billyons of fetusses, I mean, PEOPLE,
murdered at the hands of those nasty over-population myth purveyors!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And I got given 2 condoms last night by some mysterious people last
night. I heard a helicopter in the distance.
-Felix
On the other hand, if all the Godless heathens over there in Indi-yay
can't keep their penises outta their womens long enough to think about
obeying God's laws and only having sex for procreation, then they
wouldn't be procreatin' so much.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In fact, don't expect the unexpected, either, as that is impossible in
a logical universe. Luckily, this isn't it.
-Alloni Kramer
If the universe taught computer science, it would be the teacher who
showed up habitually late, threw the midterm at you totally
unexpectedly, and made it a closed-book test. Sometimes it grades on
a curve. Sometimes it doesn't. Prone to wearing silly hats. Keeps a
copy of "101 things you can do to confuse your students" handy at all
times. Likes colored chalk. Wears a purple bow tie.
-Alloni Kramer
Evil. But it's a creamy, noughaty kind of evil.
-Brian Randall
Please means nothing to me.
-Garth
Mmmmn. It's _good_ to be feared...
-grEy
But I guess that if I destroyed my uterine lining I wouldn't have that
"wandering uterus" problem. I hate it when my uterus floats around my
body and bumps into my brain. It makes me so -- HEY!!! WHAT ARE
*YOU* LOOKING AT!!!!!!!!!?! grumble. fuck off.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Better watch out. I might mate with you and eat you, just to check to
see if my uterine lining still works.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Now that my name has been mentioned in a subject header, I must arise
from my watery home to wreak havoc upon defenseless asians... *sigh*
So much for the nap.
-Nathan Winant
Besides the whole playing God issue, like cloning, it's really bad
karma. Karma really does get you. I promise.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (if karma doesn't get you, she will)
Nathan feed off gamma rays. Make Nathan strong.
-Nathan Winant
the way this country is run reminds me of microsoft. "This is where
you will go today"
-ghostxxx
No, that would be bad. Badness is not good. Goodness is the aim
here, not badness.
-Felix
Never mind the bollocks? Careful man, for those be fighting words.
I've sent many a young kipper into the deep for saying less.
-Felix
Or simply give yourself a number. That's the one I prefer. Just say,
"I score 283 on the Cameleo-Gephard IQ test. That rates me as a
mega-cosmic-hyper-genius," and be happy.
-Alloni Kramer
God has piss-poor grammar.
-Joshua Smith
Damn right you should be held back. You are not at school to learn to
read or learn to speak that frog language. You are at school to learn
to become a good little corporate citizen, to pay your taxes, to
always obey the law, and to unquestionably believe and support those
in authority.
-Felix
Dude, your Mom is God?
-Garth
you put your <anatomical appendage> in. you put your <anatomical
appendage> out. Truly, it IS all about the hokey pokey.
-Mark Doner
A better solution would be to execute those who chronically annoy US.
No, that would lead to infighting. How about those who chronically
annoy ME.
-Alloni Kramer
I saw an old urn painting of a man swearing this oath, one hand held
up like the swearing-in of the modern courtroom and the other cupped
under his tunic.
-Chris Wayne
I remember the good ol' days in Greece when you didn't have none of
this "testicle" crap. Truth was beauty, and beauty truth, goddammit.
-Joshua Smith
As for why it has to kill the cells for this to work, I have this to
say: Anyone who thinks that a man's balls don't have a mind of their
own can gynomasticate a weasel until time travel is achieved.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Huh? Tony Blair is dead? Did I say that? I should have said "Tony
Blair is dead wrong" about his choice of suits.
-Felix
grEy isn't possessive. It's just that everything belongs to her.
-Chris Wayne
I'm SO glad someone finally understands. It's not beign posessive if
it's all MINE MINE MINE!
-grEy
Yes, you're absolutely right. I can think of nothing more beautiful
than a 2000-year-old painting of a man grasping his testicles.
-Chris Wayne
The testicles are sending subliminal messages to your penis. If you
just wore an allumium lined condom all the time, you might have more
control over it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Note: This research is not to be used for evil. Except by me.
-Chris Wayne
I prayed to the Dark Gods of Abducted and, lookie here, Felix showed
up.
-Joshua Smith
However "Abducted" could just be me sending emails to myself under
assumed names and addresses. Mmmmm. Solipsism.
-Joshua Smith
I'm less an employee than a king.
-Joshua Smith (the security guard)
They should invent a permanent international court of law to deal with
these sorts of things. They could call it : "The Felix Army
international criminal proceedings" or "The laughing gnome stockade"
or "The George Bush New World Order Memorial Justice Commision"
-Felix
There's sort of a guilty, giddy thrill to it, kind of like when you
were a young child staying at your grandparents' house and you'd sneak
by their door late at night and listen to them having wild,
sheet-drenching sex. AND you don't even need to ruin a sock to enjoy
it!
-Nathan Winant
I would just like to point out that it was NOT ME who implied that
pregnant women are delusional. Thank you for your understanding.
-Chris Wayne (he lies through his teeth)
ugh. After that, I don't think I'll be able to even think about sex
for a wee... OK, all better.
-Chris Wayne
I like Garth. He's like a big, cuddly, thc-soaked teddy bear.
-Nathan Winant
I cannot forgive you, my child. That decision lies with the Lord.
What's that, Lord? Burn the heretic? As thou commandeth. Sorry,
nothing personal.
-Chris Wayne
I could find Western Civ. notes that say that Hitler killed the Jews
in the library, with the candlestick, but that doesn't make it true.
(It was Colonel Mustard, in the dining room, with the lead pipe.)
-Chris Wayne
Pregnant women are scary and dangerous. Their hormones are wild, and
their bodies are constantly wracked with bizarre aches, pain, and
twinges. Not only are they very likely to kill you and eat you because
you finished the last bit of rocky road and you sort of smell like
pork rinds, they'd probably get away with too. "But your honor, I just
had this craving. The baby made me do it."
-Chris Wayne
This opens up a new era in human/gnome interaction. "Excuse me. We're
about to anally probe you with a probe the size of a small walrus.
Sorry about the inconvenience." "Sorry about the delay in the
mindwashing. While you won't remember any of it, we feel it's
important that you, as our victim, be confident that we left you in
the 5x2x1 cell for two weeks due to unavoidable circumstances, and the
lack of food and water was merely a clerical error. Have a nice day."
"Please look both ways when controlling the global economy."
-Alloni Kramer
The Official Abducted All-Purpose Phrase of the Month: (Joshua Smith)
Use it today around the office.
Examples: Employer: "Excellent work <EMPLOYEE X>!; I think you have
a promotion coming up..." EMPLOYEE X: <shrug> "It's all just one big
fuckin' hand-job."
Employer: "Well <EMPLOYEE Y>, after looking at our figures for this
quarter, we've determined that your performance isn't quite up to our
expectations, so I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go."
EMPLOYEE Y: <shrug> "It's all just one big fuckin' hand-job."
Marvel at its sheer utility!
(Nathan's Response)
At my last company, this was my boss' slang for any time a lot of
changes to a group of files couldn't be scripted and had to be done
individually.
Boss: "Well, Nathan, the changes are kinda complex. I think you'll
have to do a handjob on this one."
Me: "Uh... Uhm... I'd rather not do that."
Boss: "Why? Do you think you can write a script to handle it?"
Me: "Er, no."
Boss: "Then what's the problem? Handjob it!"
... As far as I can tell, he had NO IDEA how this sounded. We had
conversations like this around the office manager, around clients,
around executives from Sun............
The Official Abducted "My Eyes! My Eyes!" Interchange: (various)
Alloni's eyes are like precious gems.
Hard, cold, and glittering with an unearthly light?
No. Faceted.
The Official Abducted Basic Human Needs of the Month, By Pac Bell:
(donated by grEy)
The basic human needs: food, water, phone. [comida, agua, y telephono,
for spanish speakers]
Necesidades basicas salud, dinero, amor y ... telefono. [health,
money, love, and phone, for english speakers]
Official Abducted Mensa Question of the Month:
(question - Garth. answer - Karen Newman)
Three guys check into a hotel. The desk clerk is away and the bellboy
isn't sure how much to charge them. He thinks its $60 so he gets $20 a
piece from them and shows them to their room. When he gets back the
desk clerk tells him its only $40 and gives him $20 to take back to
them. On the way he decides that they won't be able to divide $20
dollars between the three of them so he pockets $5 dollars himself and
gives each of them $5. Now each man gave $20 to begin with and got $5
back. So they each paid $15. So together the three of them paid $45,
plus the $5 the bellboy kept. That adds up to $50 out of the original
$60. Where's the other $10?
It paid for the stripper.
Official Abducted Craziness of the Month:
(Chris Wayne)
Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in padded room. Rats ate me.
Rats? I hate rats. They make me crazy.
Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in padded room. Rats ate me.
Rats? I hate rats. They make me crazy.
Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in padded room. Rats ate me.
Rats? I hate rats. They make me crazy.
Crazy? etc.
The Official Abductified Communal Imaginary Boyfriend of the Month:
(Jennifer)
Or you can determine that I donated my invisible boyfriend to you, but
he doesn't want a realationship (in spite of the fact that he is bi
and ran off with Bill from the restaurant and Melba from Rocky
Horror). You aren't secretly named Bill are you? Or Melba? His name
is Harvey, and no he is not a rabbit. He used to be a plant.
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