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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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I know enough C that I don't have to use it any more.
-Felix
BABIES? have you ever smelled one of those things??
-LON aka Pat Blake
You may NOT use my soul. I'm hoping to trade it in for a broom.
-LON aka Pat Blake
Damn australians. Y'all are just jealous 'cuz we've oppressed our
indigenous peoples far better than you ever could...
-Nathan Winant
Set aside your ego, and simply, quietly cherish your nipples for what
they are.
-Nathan Winant
So what you're saying then, is Australia is like Louisiana, only
bigger and with a lot of the water sopped up.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (starting a fight)
I'm thinking of becoming a Messianic Jew, you know, "Jews for Jesus,"
so I can take advantage of all the holidays. If I can figure out how
to work in Islam, Hinduism, and Wicca, I will only have to work about
three days a year.
-Chris Wayne
Let's see. Round. Painful. Rush Limbaugh, of course.
Actually, he's lost a lot of weight recently, from what I've heard.
Time for a celebrity AIDS rumor!
-Alloni 'n Joshua Smith 'n Chris Wayne
well, it was a problem, as I could spend all day having wild,
unstoppable sex.
-Rafael Lemke
Not on purely logical grounds, no.
But, surely, on utterly irrational and unrealistic grounds...?
Oh.... In that case, absolutely.
-Joshua Smith 'n Chris Wayne n' Joshua Smith again
sitting here, writing a script.. when I realized something... I'm
really a bigger dork then I used to be... wow. realization is neat.
-Bean
I could probably BURN DOWN a church and they wouldn't care.
-Nathan Winant (and his permissive family)
My thanks, Sensei. I shall be patient as the river otter.
-Chris Wayne
On the other hand, if this was government-sponsored, obviously it was
never supposed to make sense to anyone.
-Chris Wayne
This way I can horribly abuse my power in new and exciting ways.
-Alloni Kramer
Do not respect me. I wax my forehead in the morning just like
everyone else.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm taking advantage of myself, but it's ok, cause I don't mind.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Sure it will. And the Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse run a bingo
parlor in Montreal, accompanied by Guns n' Roses on organ.
-Alloni Kramer
So the appendix is also an erogenous zone?
-Nathan Winant
Schism in the Church of Nathan!!! Scism in the Church of Nathan!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You had me till you said sheer. Thats when I started thinking of lacy
undergarments.
-Garth
yeah, but the message was too long and I was too stoned.
-Bean
I have to wear clothes to ren fest? How am I gonna show off my special
talent?
-Garth
My sinuses are doing a happy dance.
-Mary Hodges (NOT mark)
oh, thank you doctor. I fell much better now. The voices have
stopped. Pat is gone. I am free.
-LON (revealing his inner self)
You should have done something really obnoxious like trying to convert
us to christianity or something. Your weren't nearly obnoxious enough
to stand out against the background obnoxiousness of the list.
-Garth
From these pictures, it's hard to tell whether you're standing under
your own power or hanging limply from the side of Giles' head.
-Chris Wayne
You ALWAYS plead insanity! Whine whine whine.
If it is an inaccurate defense, tell me now, and I will waggle my
eyebrows at you.
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
The Eyebrows rub their hands in glee.
-Alloni Kramer
After in-depth experimentation, I have conclusively determined that it
really doesn't take that much force to throw down a small boy. I am
currently accepting grants for further study.
-Chris Wayne
man, nothing better than women mastrubating. 'specially cartoon women
with large breastages.
-LON
I shall smite thee with my Ample Protrusions of Mamalia!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh yes, quite. Just the other day I was saying to my alien captors,
"You know, you'd have a harder time abducting people and stealing cow
anuses if people would just take this stuff more seriously." He just
smiled and reached for a bigger probe.
-Garth
If it were less than a whole lot, I'm sure we'd say. Like "We fuck
with each other half-a-lot" which would of course not be true, but
would seem to gramatically fit.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Not every day is wine and sunshine. Some days you have a cold.
-Alloni Kramer (being deep)
I'm like a horde of rabid wildebeasties that you have riled up. I may
start chewing my cud at you if you aren't careful.
-Alloni Kramer (enough already! we know you're full of yourself!)
What if Gilbert 'is' Giles pretending to not to be? That would be a
cunning ruse.
-Garth (not being paranoid)
I used to believe my dog was from outer space, but that was just
because he kept using death rays on the neibors cat. Now I realize
that he was just an evil genius, who occasionally went on the carpet.
-Garth
+~ haha I just did this to screw ghosty's perl script up
-Travis Mikalson (who am i to stand in the way?)
Obey the Cow God.
-Garth
No we are not all abductees. Actually, this is a list of offworlders
whose soul purpose is to taunt terrans.
-LON
Really, I don't think I want to punish him for distracting me with
orgasms.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In fact, I propose we work my name into message threads MORE. I could
be a _type_ of subject. You've got your "Re:", your "Fwd:", and your
"Nathan:"... Hmmm... I'm guessing it would be most appropriate for
messages that are self-aggrandizing and delusionally egomaniacal, and
ruthlessly warp logic in hideous ways to meet these ends.
-Nathan Winant
Far be it from me to deny anything. Especially when I've already
claimed that all list members are really my split personalities. And
this goes double for Alloni.
-Garth (by popular demand)
Ok so logically since I pay attention to my e-mail from 7:30 til 4:00
everyday (work *bang*) then every one who posts within those hours is
me. I need a psychiatrist. Or a group discount or something.
-Garth
Oh Alloni, are you up to your zany nazi shenanigans again? You crazy
kids...
-Nathan Winant
Please tell me how to unsubcribe, I am getting a new address for my
home and would like to keep this address for stictly educational
purposes, thanks
-Kip Knightingly (there is no escape)
I had a broken pole but I was able to replace the damaged section with
a piece of rubber hose.
-Garth (and the intricate workings of his body)
cop bad. must eat cop. cop will need catsup. must buy catsup before
killing cop to eat. if buy catsup after killing cop before eat, cop
go bad before -- hey! cop already bad! me not want eat cop. me just
smoosh him.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, it's Alloni's Glory in the convenient plastic bottle. No more
itchy scalps, no more cancer of the thorax, not with Alloni's Glory!
New, with Alloni's Angst-Ridden Urge to Slaughter Helpless Morons.
-Alloni Kramer (because we need more me quotes, dammit)
Of course, I am particularly drugged at the moment, so I may be
imagining this.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Great job, Alloni. The way you staple papers together, genius!"
-Chris Wayne
Just keep your tentacles and goat's feet to yourself.
-Chris Wayne
Oh, I know Garth is real. The question is *are you*???
-Joshua Smith
Hell, I rag on Garth for his grammar, semantics, etc., might as well
fuck with another Southeast Texan
-Joshua Smith
Knowing grEy, she probably secretly rules from the lake of fire and
brimstone and propane tanks.
-Alloni Kramer
/me experiences satori for the second time this month. Amazing? I
think so.
-Joshua Smith
Squishy is love.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
you actually WANT to work in tech support? is this like penance for
some evil act you committed in a previous life?
-ghostxxx
describe please.. sex w/ small animals has always interested me
-Captain Weird
suggest you try something less taxing like bomb disposal or coaching a
quadriplegic soccer team
-Captain Weird
Then Garth touched me.
-Nathan Winant
The question isn't IF I exist, but WHAT I exist AS. Am I just another
list member? Am I prank? Am I a perl script? Am I a cop? Am I the
archangel Gabriel, as played by Christopher Walken? Am I an undigested
bit of cheese?
-Nathan Winant
Sure... Go ahead and be nice to Mr Freaky Pants.
-Delirium
No, just kidding. I highly suggest you analyze your position, decide
your next move, and promptly throw the chess board across the room.
-grEy
What about me? What about my feelings? What about green and puce
dragons named Steve?
-Delirium
Well, that makes me feel better. I am just like everyone else.
Conform, Conform, Conform!
-Delirium
I had someone attempt to convert me at work today. He even used the
line "Have you ever heard of a man named Jesus Christ?" I think so. I
believe he was my grocery checkout boy one week. But then again that
could have been Bob Christ...
-Joshua Smith
Bill Gates sodomizes god on national TV, Reuters reports.
-Alloni Kramer (rumor-mongering)
Your cousins live with your sister? What state are you from again?
-grEy
The apparition of the Virgin Mary which appeared on my wall last night
even agrees with you.
-Joshua Smith
I read this as: "I just now can fint into my favourite part of my
jeans again."
-ghostxxx (sounds kinky)
Know what this world needs? More Lilith Fair-themed Quake modules.
That's what I say.
-Nathan Winant
OBanalprobe: I go in for a yearly medical physical on Wed. I'm not
looking forward to it. Just another excuse for some yahoo in a
labcoat to lube me up.
-Kevin
And though I am not Christian anymore either, there are some good
points to the catholic church. For instance, getting drunk at church
sponsered events is perfectly acceptable.
-Garth
3Com will either die because have too much diversity, or the
management as a whole will do a Buck Naked Money Dance. (For those of
you who don't know what a Money Dance is... You get a bag of money, go
to a public place, get naked, dance like a fool throwing hand-full of
money into the air.)
-Jason
This is your chance to be on the happy side of the thumbscrews.
-Nathan Winant
This diet craze has gone too far. Don't people realize that there are
cannibals starving all along the eastern seaboard?
-Chris Wayne
Asthma Twin powers acti... *wheeze*
-Chris Wayne
But the sad fact remains that you're a krispy kritter, and no matter
how much denial you're in, all the old rehashed David Koresh jokes are
BOUND to become annoying.
-Nathan Winant
Mmmmmmmm. Pregnant yak.
-Joshua Smith
My boss is trying harder to relate to me ... "mmm... this yogurt is
like ... drugs."
-Jonathan Mayer
But it sounds like he's trying. Next time, encourage him a little,
make him feel like he's connecting. "Really? So you mean... yogurt
makes you want to kill, too?"
-Nathan Winant
DONT EVEN get me started on mall organists. I've killed before. I do
not value human life. tie a yellow ribbon will get you a corbon
enema.
-LON
See? We may be a bunch of jack-booted fascist oppressors of the common
man regressing learning and progress by centuries, but that doesn't
mean we're not REASONABLE.
-Nathan Winant
I almost died this morning. Okay, so I didn't almost die, but it
seemed like a good way to get your attention. Sex.
-Alloni Kramer
"Wow you look wonderful, how did you lose all that weight, was it
Jenny Craig?" "Hell no, it was Jimmy Crack."
-Delirium
there's nothing gothic about my penis.
-Nathan Winant (little does he know)
I just realized that this is like the sixth post from me mentioning
cannibalism. I really need to go grocery shopping.
-Chris Wayne
Ok, but that's still not enough info for me to hunt you down and put a
burning buddha on yer lawn.
-Mark Doner
If you broiled a donkey's ass, it probably wouldn't taste too great,
but on the other had Kung Pao Democrat might be quite nice.
-Mark Doner
Who needs a threesome with a lesbian minor and a snoring boyfriend
anyway?
-Karen Newman
I think all cows should die so we can keep the ozone layer and I won't
have to worry about getting a sunburn.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Only responsible citizens like ourselves should have access to drugs.
-Jonathan Mayer
I love it when I inspire fear.
-grEy
Abducted is one of the most quality lists on the internet. We now
have advertising to prove it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
They're on the pleasure saucers, of course. So are we. We're just on
the malfunctioning one.
-Alloni Kramer
But back to the subject, I AM CARNISAUR!! HEAR ME CHEW MY FOOD
THOUROUGHLY!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
YOU da gnome. YOU DA GNOME.
-grEy
But wait; I promise to lower taxes... and brutalize criminals! VOTE
FOR ME!
-Joshua Smith
I am one of your more intellectual styles of pothead.
-Garth
And I thought I was just wasting my time with this list.
-Joshua Smith
I can get my *own* bad reputation, thank you very much.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
God realized he had smoked all his pot. So he took out the pocket
knife that he hath made and holding his pipe before him said, "Let
there be resin." And there was. And it was good. And God thought
seriously about calling in sick to work the next day.
-Garth
Have you seen that comercial? The one where the guy buys a live
lobster for his dinner. (By the way, why didn't the cheapskate buy
one for his wife and kids too? But thats another thing.) And his kids
run out and set it free in the ocean. Its so cute. But. That
lobster is gonna starve to death. His claws had those little pegs in
them to keep him from pinching anyone.
-Garth (source of inspiration)
"This is Radio-free Hicksville -- I'm Whitey and you can't vote!
HAAAAAAAA HAAAA HA HA ha ha ha ha hahahaha. Nanny nanny boo boo."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You didn't join the list in time to see those pictures of me in the
donkey suit with Sigourney Weaver.
-Garth
I hereby declare myself winner and Ruler of the Kingdom of Splat.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm glad that noise came from my intestines and not my computer. It
wouls be a BIG problem if that noise came from my computer.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Besides, if we were the only two people in the living room, how would
we know that everyone else in the world isn't dead?
-Garth
I hear there are real gnomes in brasil, except they are called
guhnomees. scary. they are camouflaging their name.
-ghostxxx
You mean, all unbeknowest to me, I've been perpetuating a racial
stereotype? Neat.
-Alloni Kramer
Feet of Jesus our lord, give us rest?
-Joshua Smith
Darth Vader does not exist and Frank Sinatra is a pterodactyl.
-Joshua Smith
that's what you always say, but we know the TRUTH and it deeply
disturbs us; that and your drawer.
-Delirium
Well, if you can't blame immutable cosmic forces, who can you blame?
-Alloni Kramer
Sometimes I am disturbed by what amuses me.
-Chris Wayne
As I was printing this out, it occurred to me that the printout might
someday be entered into evidence against me. I hereby blame Nathan.
-Chris Wayne
Eggs are kidnapping. Cheese is sodomy. Mayonnaise is child
pornography.
-Chris Wayne
I'm not sure if God provided him with another copy of His sacred laws
or if someone just forged God's handwriting.
-Chris Wayne (writing 150 messages at once)
For the record, there was a distinct look of disgust on my face when I
mentioned 'Liberals' (there it is again) but I make the same face when
I say 'Conservative' (see).
-Garth
Who can I call when I absolutely, positively have to kill six million
people overnight? Does Federal Express do that?
-Chris Wayne
I of course have taken quantum paraphysics to a new level of
craziness. I (have decided to) believe that since things only exist
when observed, that thinking of something makes it more real. Now
people are thinking of me all over the world. My power grows. Soon you
all will think of nothing but me. Muhahaa.
-Garth
I have no illusions. I know I can be bought. I'm just trying to make
the price as high as possible.
-Alloni Kramer
Too poor to go to a free thing? Couldn't afford a costume? I hear
Garth's family was so poor that they had to put their cardboard box up
for a second mortgage. I SAID: GARTH'S FAMILY WAS SO POOR, THEY HAD TO
PUT THEIR CARDBOARD BOX UP FOR A SECOND MORTGAGE! GAAAAAARRRRRTH! I
SAID YOUR FAMILY'S POOR GODDAMMIT!
-Joshua Smith
CONCLUSION: NASA is hiding something. The Glenn launch is intended not
to draw attention to NASA, but away from Deep Space 1. The public is
to remain largely ignorant of the technologies aboard Deep Space 1
until their role in the existent technocratic paradigm is ensured. The
New World Order strikes again.
-Nathan Winant
Blowing holes in your brain should be a mature, _informed_ decision,
and I've got plenty of meat upstairs that can be sacrificed for a
delusionally idealistic stab at global consciousness.
-Nathan Winant
i CHECKED THE CHURCHES. nOT THERE. i CHECKED A COUPLE PARKS. nOT
THERE. i EVEN CHECKLED THE STATE CAPITOL. nO gOD. tHEN i FOUND THE
PORN SHOP. 24 HOURS. pART TIME POSITIONS STARTING AT $14/HR. i'M SURE
THEY HAVE GRAVEYARD SHIFTS AVAILABLE. i FIGURE DEBAUCHERY AND
LONELINESS ARE AS A GOOD A PLACE TO FIND gOD AS VIRTUE AND COMMUNITY.
-Nathan Winant
Official Abducted Political Debate of the Month: (Garth and tog)
Tog you ignorant slut...
Garth you smelly piece of white stuff that forms at the corners of
one's mouth when they're thirsty.
Tog you profesional bottom wiper in the third bathroom along in grand
central station.
Garth you Microsoft employee.
Tog you OJ defense team lawyer.
Garth you unwashed cum-stained dress.
Tog you presidential cigar holder.
Garth you executive branch polisher.
Tog you mildewed tile grout in Ron Jeremy's shower.
Garth you fetid pile of compost.
Tog you moist lump of dirt from between the toes of a camel who was
running thru a field of manure.
Garth you squishy nugget from a carton of very spoiled milk.
Tog you have eaten unwanted creme filled chocolate from last years
valentine candy.
Official Abducted Soap Opera of the Month: (various sources)
All you need is a twin sister who looks just like you lusting after
the ex-wife, and you'd have a soap opera on your hands. Well,
almost. But you forgot about the twin's child who was switched at
birth with a hemophiliac. And the abusive tendencies of the
boyfriend. That's becuase he really loves JLL's father. Who is
studying to be a priest. Well, actually a Trappist monk. Who became a
monk because he was ashamed of his sexual attraction for rabbits.
Meanwhile, in India, Kristine, the beautiful hermaphrodite child of
the Prince of Wales, is attempting to hide her past as a stripper from
her fiance, Lucas. Unfortunately, the blackmail photos taken by
Lucretia will be sent if Kristine can't come up with $50,000.
Sherman's fiendish plot to separate Tony and Alba has just failed, so
what will happen to his place in Lady Volare's will? Can Joy escape
her prison sentence? Can Mr. Taylor win Jennifer's love? All this
and more in the next episode of:
For Whom the World Turns
or
Twilight of the North
or
The Cockroach That Ate Tijuana
Official Abducted Amusing Cancer Anecdote of the Month: (Chris Wayne)
This is lot like an amusing cancer anecdote (no really!) my aunt told
me when I was a kid. She had pancreatic cancer, and it went into
remission for a few months after about three or four gruelingly
painful years. (That's not the funny part). When she felt up to it,
she started going back to her old haunts and started seeing her old
acquaintances, most of whom hadn't seen her since she got sick. One
group of ladies commented on how thin she got and wanted to know her
secret. She said she had cancer. The way she described it, they all
got these blank embarrassed smiles on their faces while their eyes
darted about wildly for somewhere else to be. They excused themselves
and wandered off utterly mortified. She laughed about it often.
Official Abducted Mega-Nerd-Finger-Dance of the Month: (Rafael Lemke)
"yeah, but once you control-u you have to
control-k all over again
come on baby, control dance with me!
and control-k all over again
when u control-u, I don't know what to do"
The Official Abducted TV Show of the Month: (R&J Gassaway)
from Spelling Entertainment:
The Dukes of Alhazred
A spectacular hour long comedy starring The Mad Arab Alhazred and his
inbred cousins from the depths of the sea, whose attempts to illegally
conjure moonshine with the dreaded Necronomicon are countered by the
hilarious tactics of the local sheriff of Alhazred county, Dr. Henry
Armitage. The Alhazred clan is helped by their friends, The Old Ones,
who deliver the cyclopean moonshine to other dimensions, where it is
not illegal.
Additional antics are provided by The Mad Arab's squidlike dog, Flash
Alhazred, and his deformed sister Daisy Alhazred, priestess of The
Esoteric Order of Dagon (performed by Tori Spelling). Scott Baio will
play the role of The Mad Arab, and Dr. Armitage will be performed by
Eddie Albert. The extremely versatile Richard Grieco will play the
Sherrif's bumbling but mathematically ingenious deputy Walter Gilman
*and* Daisy Alhazred's disfigured rodent friend, Brown Jenkin, whose
hideous sexual escapades are guaranteed to titillate and revolt the
viewing public.
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