. . .



hmm.. Tammy... have I seen you in any softcore movie before or it's a
trap to lure us into not telling you how to escape?
  -Rafael Lemke

Dude!  You're over-savoring the moment again.
  -Jonathan Mayer

ya know, my ex-boss's boss did call me an "engineering whore" when I
told him I was quitting
  -Jonathan Mayer

so yesterday being an unbirthday I shall see you all at the great
conjunction
  -Felix

Moral of the story: A good cop cannot be bought, but he can be fed.
  -Chris Wayne

Buzz was what I named the rabbit I dissected for my advanced biology
class.
  -Mary Hodges

Fight your war on drugs if you must, but don't you DARE fuck with my
poppyseed rolls and bagels.
  -Chris Wayne

It bothers me a great deal to think of my own body as an eco-system
waiting to be plundered by microscopic animals.
  -Chris Wayne

It was intended as a slight upon your national integrity, not your
personal literacy. My hope was to start an international incident
between our two countries which would ultimately escalate into a
full-blown war of aggression against your country, not to insult any
individual Australians. Please accept my apologies.
  -Chris Wayne (on a roll)

Anyway, I take your slight upon my national integrity into
consideration and ofter this carefully worded response:  "Fuck off you
American Imperialist Swine".
  -Felix (good response - do we get a nuclear exchange?)

"As the bomb bay doors opened ... I let the bomb go ... that was my
greatest thrill."
  -Jonathan Mayer

Masturbation is a religion, not a sport.
  -Jacob H. Suter

Are you a genetically enhanced super-asshole? Or bionic, maybe?
  -Chris Wayne

I exaggerate.  If this fact bothers you, please give generously to the
Fund For The Total And Utter Annihilation Of Each And Every Form Of
Exaggeration, at the above address.
  -Alloni Kramer

.started formulating theories about the vegan straightedge conspiracy
that's keeping caffine from me.

.fiended on free sample of YooHoo! (yoohoo=chocolate=caffeine. it may
only be 1mg, but it's IN THERE DAMMIT)

.started formulating theories about the vegan straightedge yoohoo
conspiracy that's keeping caffine from me.
  -Nathan Winant (discussing his weekend)

no nookie this weekend.  maybe nookie next weekend.
  -Jonathan Mayer (mmmm.  nookie.)

Oh, did I just miss it because it was too subtle in it's complete lack
of hiddenness?
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

The other would invovle a pleasant walnut glaze. I'd rather not
explain it.
  -grey

Now I am so sad about it that I have become too goth to raise the
energy to sniffle.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Buy a semiautomatic weapon and kill them both.  "They complicated my
life unnecessarily!" the shooter told this reporter.
  -Jonathan Mayer

"And spunky.  But .. a little bit too spunky, perhaps."
  -Jonathan Mayer

Except the goths, of course.  And they don't really count.  If the
Constitution were written today, it would be the people who wore black
who would count as 3/5 of a person instead.
  -Alloni Kramer

Are you saying that my parentheses are gay?
  -Garth

Damn california smognazis.
  -Nathan Winant

Amen.  "Crazy damn space aliens ate my breakfast and drunk my
lemonade".
  -Felix

<Moderately amusing story about rapid prototyping aborted because I
lost the will to live.>
  -Peter Twigg

I squidged all your accounts into one great big spiky undead secret
fish love ball.
  -Peter Twigg

We were going to work our way up to summoning live fish next week, but
Mark, um, I mean, Lord Samiel spilled ketchup on the book, so we need
to wait until we find a better copy.
  -Alloni Kramer

Sometimes, it's a real pain in the ass to be female.  You know,
getting pregnant, having periods, wondering if you are going to have a
period, high heeled shoes, breasts getting in the way at archery
practice and in yoga class, having to arm yourself on dates, putting
on make-up.  Big pain in the butt.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Fortinbras looks like Garth. Of course now you'll all rush out to
watch it and tell me I'm wrong. But I think someone is using his
secret agent abilities to get a leg up in Hollywood.
  -Mary Hodges

I resent being referred to as a Bleeding Heart Republican.
  -Robert McDaniel  (Rrrrrobert!  Clean your room!)

Then my head exploded in a fine red mist of irony.
  -Chris Wayne

Yes, I'm sucking up. Yes, I expect that to be quoted next month.
  -Chris Wayne (as promised)

I haven't lost my youth, it's just moved to California.
  -Peter Twigg

wait! these are not MY memories! FUCKING TV! stole my life!
  -Rafael Lemke

no, i do not. i am perfectly alright. a pine gui is simply the only
logical solution. why don't you come over here, grey? i've fixed you a
beverage. wouldn't you like a nice, refreshing beverage?
  -Nathan Winant  (not threatening grey)

Life is so much easier when you just give god total control of your
thoughts, hopes, and dreams.  Trust in god.  God is watching over you.
  -Alloni Kramer

Complain to your friends (or employees) that you are clearly marked as
a sale item, and still no one has bought you.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

No, the gnomes drink Evian.
  -Felix

its a lot colder and hurts the evironment, which is good.
  -ghostxxx

Damn Stickpeople.  Damn Volvos.  Damn TVs.  Damn elevator music.
  -Felix

I had a preformance review today.  My coworkers openly accused me of
having too active of a social life.  hah!
  -Jonathan Mayer

On a completely unrelated note: I give two enthusiastic thumbs up to
"Hello Nasty".
  -Trevor Walton

[Gnomewatch]  Nope.  No gnomes seen today.
  -Felix

So.  Back to my original request.  Please get your father to buy you a
yellow one.  Tell him it's for you.  He might not agree if he knew
about the stealing bit.
  -Felix

But you are a big cockroach lookin thing, eh?
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

When I were a lad we were so gothic we used to kill ourselves in't
morning and be reanimated b'fore we went ou't night.  You tell that to
the youth today and the won't believe you.
  -Peter Twigg

The stem sitting in a vase on my desk has lost its one remaining
petal. This is so unbearably symbolic I'm going to ignore it entirely.
  -Alloni Kramer

I was actually quite good at picking locks...  But I discovered UNIX
instead.
  -Michael Hale

he lies. there are no rabbits.  only fruitbats. yeah. fruitbats. and
the occasional lemon chicken.
  -grey

There is no conspiracy .... just history.
  -Jonathan Mayer

I'm like the Bob Saget of abducted.
  -Garth

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! A LUNG!?
  -grey

Please fed ex the lung to the usual address. Thanks!
  -Gary Sommer

So I promised her I would ask in advance if JLL was a rapist/child
pornographer or molester/mass murderess, and, if she says yes, I won't
go.
  -Alloni Kramer

This sort of fishing is not appreciated.  I'll go fetch the Lord,
he'll know what to do.  It will probably involve a blunderbuss and
some beagles.
  -Felix

We are all really nathan in disguise.
  -ghostxxx  (righter than he knows)

'EAT CRIBBINS!' sounds like an advertising slogan.  Maybe I should
market him.  'Start your day with Cribbins for that fresh, wide awake
feeling.'
  -Peter Twigg

You think that's bad.  I had a dream last night about ... work. It was
a _meeting_, no less.  I feel ... violated.
  -Jonathan Mayer

I meant to but I misread the box and accidentaly bought the Phenomenal
Strength of Will strap-on.
  -Garth

I love my co-saviours.  God in two persons, blessed binary.
  -Peter Twigg

I read this as, '... I wake up next to her mom.'  I guess this would
have been a very different story.  I guess I need professional help.
  -Peter Twigg

And for my next trick...uhmm miricle, I'll turn this wine into, uhhh
an empty bottle.
  -Garth

And it did come to pass that the bottle was empty and all Abducted
were struck dumb with fear and wonder.
  -Peter Twigg

I went to Lilith Fair last week. It was wonderful. One of my friends
entertained herself by counting lesbians.
  -Mary Hodges

I saw a children's book today called "Stop That Pickle."  Alas, poor
Gibo, I knew him not so well.
  -Mary Hodges

I agree. If the prez is f'ing us one at a time, there is less of a chance of
his getting to me.  Wouldn't the $80 million spent make this the most
expensive bj ever?
  -Gary Sommer

You have tricked me for the last time, Felix-man!  Taste hot cold steel!
  -Alloni Kramer  (I'm so full of myself this month)




The Official Abducted URL of the month: (contributed by grey)

http://www.yellow5.com/pokey/

Mmmmm.  Pokey.



The Official Abducted God Complex Interchange:  (AllonI 'n Garth)

Me:  I'm sorry, I can't use my vast cosmic power to bring people
wealth.

Garth:  Then what is the point of having vast cosmic power?

Me:  Yeah, I felt kind of gypped when I found out about it.  But, hey,
I got it on sale, so you have to expect these things.  At Sears - 50%
off, can you believe it?

Garth:  Oh, the Craftsman Vast Cosmic Power Center and Workbench.



The Official Abducted Drug Room:  (Jonathan Mayer)

The room will be painted a deep flat indigo from floor to ceiling. The
windows will be covered over with tinfoil, and then drawn with
tasteful blinds.  There will be no clocks in the room.  No phones.  No
visible electric outlets or cables.  A fridge in the corner stocked
with fresh melon and iced tea.  No cracks or leaks where your brains
could drain out...  Maybe a skylight.

In the center of the room will be a giant 5" bean bag covered in fake
fuzzy fun-fur.  A bucket full of lighters, a stereo with the speakers
mounted high in the ceiling.  A hooka.  A toy chest.  A tiny
alice-in-wonderland door for entering and leaving.  And that giant 8'
x 13' poster of earth rising over the lunar surface (Edmunds
Scientific, US$70) covering one whole wall.  And a big-ass American
flag over the opposite wall.   A journal of blank paper and a bucket
of pens and markers.



The Official Abducted I Don't Know Anything About Therefore It Bores
Me Topic: (various)

Cars.  Specifically, Repairing The Volvo.



The Official Abducted Chant Of The Month:  (R&J Gassaway)

Repeat three times:

Blessed Labrador

Blessed Chattering Derma

Blessed Mirvador

Proceed to your new destination at once.


Official Abducted Teletubbies Episode Excerpt Of The Month:  (Nathan
Winant)

Hey, Felix, look! It's a... CHICKEN!!! [runs over, obsesses on
chicken]

Hey, Felix, look! It's a... CHICKEN!!! [runs over, obsesses on
chicken]

[babysun giggles]

I know, Felix! Let's have sex with the chicken! [has sex with chicken]

I know, Felix! Let's have sex with the chicken! [has sex with chicken]

[babysun looks confused]

Look, Felix, an elderly nun! Let's play with her! [bludgeons nun with
stick]

Look, Felix, an elderly nun! Let's play with her! [bludgeons nun with
stick]

[babysun laughs gleefully]

Yay, Felix! Let's celebrate! [defecates on nun corpse]

Yay, Felix! Let's celebrate! [defecates on nun corpse]

[babysun watches intently]

[VOICE OF THE MAN] "THAT'S ENOUGH, ABDUCTEETUBBIES!!! YOU CUT IT OUT!"
Yeah? Well FUCK YOU OLD MAN!!!

[VOICE OF THE MAN] "THAT'S ENOUGH, ABDUCTEETUBBIES!!! YOU CUT IT OUT!"
Yeah? Well FUCK YOU OLD MAN!!!

[babysun drools approvingly]