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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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[T-NotPotO-ERO$-I]
[ The-NewsletterofthePostingoftheOfficial-EmployeeRosterof$ubvert-Inc. ]
[v0.9z] [96.11.07]
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New Dribble:
Greetings, all. Yes, i know it's the 7th. I had some problems with my brain.
I lost it, then found it, realized that it was the brain of a Albanian dawrf
named Cyrano, gave it back, found my brain, put it in a safe place, lost it
again. Anyways, here is v0.9z of []. The countdown is on for [] v1.0 in
January 1997, i guess. Woh, settle down, don't get too exited. This months
quotes section is super-jumbo packed with the finest quotes from Abducted.
Standard Dribble:
If you would like a title in $ubvert Inc., just declare your title on abducted
and i will record it for the next version of the roster (if you don't see your
title on the next version of the list, mail me until it's on). If anyone would
like to see the roster at any time, for any reason, or need your title edited,
just post a request or mail me. That's all for now...
PS - I think i got most of the changes... if not, mail me.
-Your Editor and Way-Cool Hyper-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Being,
[Jester]
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Main Section is totally blank, so send your stories, rants, raves, poems,
songs, pot recpies, alien blueprints, wacked-out ascii pix etc. to me at:
Jester <ub168@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>
with "[] Submitions" in the subject line.
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Here are some memorable quotes from posts on Abducted in the past month:
Once I've been baked, I prefer to have chocolate icing spread on my head.
Maybe, if the cook is nice, he can stuff me with raisins as well.
-Felix
It was certainly the one and only time I've ever seen a screen-filling
open vagina on cable TV.
-LON
I once light-proofed my entire room with foil and masking tape, then sat in
the pitch-blackness for several hours. I couldn't afford an isolation tank.
-Lon
Pine forests are excellent. THEY live in pine forests.
-Felix
I don't want to pay $7.00 per theatre just to smell women in the dark.
-Lon
For instance, the word ABDUCTED! is actually a phrase in Polynesian
meaning "worshippers of the penis god Phallusaurus," and consequently
abducted@phallus.org.polynesia has only the blow job thread in common
with this list - everything else is different.
-Giles Bowkett
Maybe it's because I don't masturbate as much as you.
-Jim
If you value the experience of pot, don't overdo it while you're young.
-Lon
I LOVE the beach. An isolated beach, where you can run amuck, roll down
sand dunes, and bury dead penguins.
-FunkyJ
You should probably start masturbating a lot more, too.
-Lon
The truth is out there. WAY the fuck out there.
-Giles Bowkett
If we write our history on bleach bottles and Dorito bags and polyester
leisure suits and those free disks from AOL (at last count, I have about 50)
we could keep archaeologists and history teachers employed for centuries to
come.
-Chris Wayne
Hot 'N' Now? What's that? A Buddhist whorehouse?
-Lon
Sorry, was that over the top?
-Garth Bryan Marlin
I was a very horny little girl.
-Sarah
The Internet: Come for the bomb plans, stay for the cookie recipes.
-Lon
Life is truly rich when you have lots of time and a great internet
connection!
-Eva
I wish I could come!
-FunkyJ
I've never heard of that, tell us more.
-Rick Acquistapace
Ohmigosh. I agree with you completely. Can we get married and have some
children?
-Sarah
The flesh-eating virus! How could I have forgotten the god damned
flesh-eating virus?
-KT
Just don't take LSD and watch uncut footage of the Vietnam war in the
middle of a huge rollicking sex orgy and you should be alright.
-Felix
After all, why would anyone *admit* to being a balding 41 year old
male?
-LON
Abducted chick bass players unite!
-KT
I cry for all the dead grey aliens in all the secret government holding
facilities, who will never go home again, and whose grey wives and grey
children are sobbing their big lidless eyes out while we selfish,
insensitive humans sit around listening to pop music and NOT DOING A
GODDAMNED THING TO HELP. That's what I cry about.
-Lon
Of course this is all second-hand infomation as I do not own a Schwa
Subliminal Nuerological Reprogrammer (T.V.)
-Troy Sheets
But if Hitler had sent all Britpop bands and their baggy-haired adherents
to his death camps, I'd still be wearing my SS armbands with pride.
-None More Negative
Someone could make a lot of money if they made a thing that does stuff,
and put it on the Internet.
-Lon
How many fucking aliens does it take to kill a Kennedy?
-Illumnus Froon
Learn to practice the subtle arts of deletion, skimming, selective
reading, and not giving a shit.
-Lon
Do not panic. There is nothing going on. There is no schwa amusement park.
Later today some people will stop by to check on you. When they arrive let
them in and do as they say, you will not be harmed. I promise.
-Paul D
I know a few individuals who don't own TVs or have killed the ones that
they DID have. I don't trust these people.
-LON
What I'd really like to know is exactly what kind of mighty, fearsome
dragon wears granny glasses. It's Just Plain Wrong.
-KT
If it made sense, would you be posting it to this list?
-greyrose
These people should be trapped in a room full of slowgings until they die
of asphixiation.
-Giles Bowkett
I'll be calling him again tomorrow afternoon to remind him to put extra
spores in the Pork Fried Rice.
-Lon
My natural urge to correct people is thwarted in this instance by the
knowledge of what happened to the last individual who made available
accurate information regarding the age of a lon.
-Giles Bowkett
Another product which makes me burst into endless refrains of "Proud to
be an American" is meat-flavored water for dogs and cats.
-KT
Did you check for big seedpods under that couch? No? I rest my case.
-Lon
Unbelievable. I think I managed to brag and complain simultaneously, all
without answering your question or even providing useful information.
-Giles Bowkett
Would that suggest that crop circles are actually our really silly aliens
sampling our crops to find out what our beer is like without needing to
make human-alien contact? Or maybe they like our crops for making their
beer, that they keep coming back for more?
-Dragon HighLord
If it's Sunday morning, it's chain-saw tuneup day.
-LON
My roommate just gargled at me. Seriously.
-KT
My roommate just barked at the cat. Send help, please.
-KT
My roommate just threatened to shave the cat. And he doesn't even intend
to have sex with it.
-KT
Until the SAS get called in an blow it to fuck.
-Jim
How about Oscar the Grouch? He's bitter, paranoid, and surrounded by
garbage. Oh, wait, that's me. Never mind.
-Chris Wayne
Euphemisms, please. With a side order of proaganda and a thing of Tobasco.
-Giles Bowkett
Qzqe, Cnmzjc is a Russian Goat that I met in Stalingrad last summer. He
wears a big bell around his neck and devours just about everything in sight.
-R&J Gassaway
They talk about Jesus, and I guess he's like God Jr. right?
-LON
Because Big Bird betrayed me! I never recovered!
-Giles Bowkett
Last night I dreamt that I rode around in a transit bus with Bjork.
-R&J Gassaway
This. This I need.
-KT
Mr Nader. You talked about how most of us are programmed corperate beings
and we don't even know it. I like to think that most people are brainwashed,
in a a television-induced trance. If there was a drug... a mind drug... that
when used in moderation could alter your perceptions and let you identify
this programming, and eventually enable you to smash through it, would you
suppoort its use?
-Troy Sheets
When was the last time you posted a big picture of a dragon wearing granny
glasses? Huh? When? WHEN DAMMIT!?!
-Paul D
Now wait a minute. I have no objection to women growing extra mouths. Extra
vocal chords is another issue.
-Giles Bowkett
In e-mail, no one can hear you groan.
-Lon
Because I do really stupid things in really smart ways, using only
materials
at hand. Like trying to get the attention a woman who rejected me last spring
(stupid) by being very charming and witty (smart) in e-mail (material at
hand).
-Lon
Not that I'm ugly... but, er, my tits aren't quite melon-sized.
-Sarah
This is not unlike my nightmare fantasy of waking up between two geek
Trekkies who smile and call me "Captain".
-Lon
There is probably some interesting shit happening within 50 metres of you
right at this moment.
-Felix
I spent all of my waking hours until about age 19 eating junk food, reading
the TV guide, waiting for obscure SF and horror films to be on obscure UHF
channels, and masturbating to early '70s porn.
-Lon
Interesting. A good girl. I heard of those, but everybody gave me the
impression they were basically like unicorns - a myth for children.
-Giles Bowkett
I'm so comfortable with my body, I sit and talk about masturbation with the
D&D geeks I'm so fond of.
-Sarah
You see, Geek Kundalini (GK) has powers beyond that of Non-Geek Kundalini
(N-GK).
-Lon
Remember, the law of fives would be a law of fours if we were cartoon
characters and only had four fingers.
-Giles Bowkett
We're all Geeks, and God is a sassy, dismissive Cheerleader.
-Lon
I think his implant malfunctioned, and the drug story was just a cover.
-Rick Acquistapace
If you didn't dress like plain clothes undertaker and weren't into elephants
in a big way, I would be totally convinced that you had been abducted by
large green peppers.
-Max
I say abduction is every sentient creature's duty to undergo.
-greyrose
Be Pro-Anti today. Disagree with something just for fun.
-Garth Bryan Marlin
He send me a copy of his .cshrc file, as well as a whole VERY long article
on how to achieve vaginal orgasm!
-greyrose
I hereby declare that Giles Bowkett is more of a smug, sarcastic,
infuriating bastard than I am.
-Katherine Theresa Wiegman
May I recommend 300 micrograms of LSD and adopting the Jesus Christ Crucifix
pose for five hours. I've seen it done. The person was for those few hours
the most intense, the saddest, and the wisest person on the planet.
-Felix
Nootropil really fucks with your dreams.
-Troy Sheets
It's never too late at The Mall.
-Lon
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[96.11.07]
-01-
Self-Appointed Demi-God:
Troy Sheets <tsheets@cyborganic.net>
-02-
Grand Incubator (and the guy who hands out the checks):
Giles Bowkett <dashwood@flat-earth.org>
-03-
Guardian of [], and Way-Cool Hyper-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Being:
Jester <ub168@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>
-04-
Spiritual Advisor:
Lon Huber "Swami Propagananda" <buzz@crl.com>
-05-
Head Stud-Bitch in Charge of The Three "B's" (Blasphemy, "BoB" and huB caps):
Jennifer Lynn Larkin <jlarki1@tiger.lsuiss.ocs.lsu.edu>
-06-
Head SpellChecker, Chief Editorial Consultant, Content Maven, and Guru of
Research:
chickadee <Eva_Maddox@odp.tamu.edu>
-07-
Office slut/eccentric female type who doesn't do any actual work, yet serves
a vital function:
melpie <MelpomeneX@aol.com>
-08-
Lightning Invocation and Teamaking:
"The Rev. Daev Hellshaw" <hellshaw@internet-eireann.ie>
-09-
Token slow toxic amphibian:
Craig Lauxman aka The Newt King <hpcprod@lcc1.nsc.com>
-10-
Minister of Propaganda:
Ross <biovid@teleport.com>
-11-
The guy with no point:
Tom Porcella <red5@loop.com>
-12-
Interdepartmental Discombobulator, Assistant to the Assistant of the
Vice-Fifth Wheel:
Schabe Up or Ship Out <schabe@minn.net>
-13-
Vice-president in charge of sitting around the break room drinking coffee
and talking about quiting this lousy outfit sometime soon, real soon, any
day now, just as soon as he pays off his student loan:
Rob Loftis <jbob@merle.acns.nwu.edu>
-14-
Cancer Man-type go between:
Pete Twigg <mtlpct@LUCS-MAC.NOVELL.LEEDS.AC.UK>
-15-
Co-Founder & Co-President of Rocks-In-A-Box Inc. An affiliate of The
Pirate Squid Club, and a co-conspirator with $ubvert Inc.:
Rick Acquistapace <babar@value.net>
-16-
Chief consultant in the use of militant force, training of the feeble minded,
operations of all things in the armory that go BANG or BOOM, and the guy in
charge of bringing the keg:
LAZ Patron Saint of beer under LON <lazarus40k@usa.pipeline.com>
-17-
Demi-goat, Serpent, Snake-god and patron saint of grievous carnality:
asphyxia <moorep@ucsub.colorado.edu>
-18-
The Power Behind the Throne:
Catherine <ckelly@bgnet.bgsu.edu>
-19-
Mr Candyman sir:
Matthew Lane <ndcb4204@brklands.demon.co.uk>
-20-
Intern Herder:
Justin <Justin_Bowers@BAYLOR.EDU>
-21-
-22-
King of the Moon:
Derek Robb <aieeee@tezcat.com>
-23-
The messy-haired guy who is always at the computer in his cubicle making
beatbox noises and nodding to music only he can hear:
Andrew Cone <andrew.cone@infoway.com>
-24-
Vice-President in charge of Network Doom games:
Erik Geiger <GEIGER@persoft.com>
-25-
The guy in charge of dealing with crazy x-philes:
Joseph Mitchel Comeau <ak561@ccn.cs.dal.ca>
-26-
Vice-Presinent in charge of keeping morale intact by beating
anyone in the company which is down in his spirits:
<jcaminit@lynx.dac.neu.edu>
-27-
Diety-level Janitor:
Lon Thomas <thomasl@indirect.com>
-28-
The all important name at the bottom of the list or something:
Justina Curtis <justina@peg.apc.org>
-29-
The guy over there, you know "him":
Erik <erik@tiac.net>
-30-
Mistress Raver, Herder of Cats:
Beth Bieber <ebieber@eden.com>
-31-
Lord of Ellipses, Defender of Semicolons,
Protector of Uncomfortable Silences:
Pope Paisley Lemming, the, KNS, KSC, MULC, R.S.V.P of the Lesser Temple
of the Greater Platypus, Shaken, Not Stirred <paisley@poboxes.com>
-32-
The Lesser Descendant of a Yak Inhaler:
Tymm Twillman <tymm@tiger.coe.missouri.edu>
-33-
That guy over there in the corner talking to "things" and Resident Fruitcake:
Alien aka Rick, "The Reclusive One" <kekedust@ix.netcom.com>
-34-
Chief Doktor of Forbidden Sciences:
Rev. Jack Nutting <jnutting@is.com>
-35-
Sterile Cunt:
Paul <CPCDSC@tevm2.nsc.com>
-36-
Chief Lifeguard, StereoTyping Pool:
"K.T. Wiegman" <kt@webstorm.com>
-37-
Southern Hemisphere Propoganda Director. Most probably a Spy:
Felix <Derek.Bradley@cmc.com.au>
-38-
Yak Herder, and keeper of the Transdimensional Llamas:
Interstellar Groovy Dave <davidcb@kuoi.asui.uidaho.edu>
-39-
Hen teaser and Head of the "Making People
Wonder What I'm Talking About project":
Garth Bryan Marlin <garthm@tgn.net>
-40-
The guy who can't keep feet out of his mouth, but tries to talk anyway:
Glenn <gmorris@bssc.edu.au>
-41-
The guy who presses the button that doesn't actually
do anything, but makes a hell of a racket:
Julian <funkyj@geocities.com>
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