Official Abducted Observations On Farm Life Of The Month: (Nori Essen)
2:35 pm EST, 08 April 2002. Observations of a city girl:
Mastiffs are really, really, really unbelievably enormous dogs.
Virginia mountainsides grow a whole lot of rocks.
Pickaxes should be operated like levers, and at considerable remove from
onlookers.
You stand ON the boot wiper when you use it, or it goes shooting away from your
foot.
Goats fart while you milk them.
I sunburn in five minutes flat, even in early April.
If you heat a ball of iron in a 350 degree oven, drop it next to your fruit tree
and cover the tree in plastic, it keeps the tree from freezing at night even if
it's 20 degrees F.
A 2-month-old buck goat will still do his damndest to impregnate does.
Kid goats also like to jump off bales of hay and pretend they're Superman.
When bees do spring cleaning they shove out all the expired workers, so a little
pile of dead bees accumulates under the hive. They drown easily, so you should
make little inch-deep puddles in garden nooks and crannies rather than providing
a bee water dish.
Goat farts smell bad, but not as bad as you might think.
If you play keep-the-ball-away with two dogs who collectively outweigh you by
230 pounds, you become very very unbelievably dirty.
Guinea hens are liable to explode.
Official Story That I'm Just Reprinting Because It Still Amuses Me Eight Years Later: (Alloni Kramer)
Pigtails
Brian was a little boy who lived in the suburbs with his mommy and daddy.
His mommy and daddy both loved him very much, and he loved them very much in
return. They all lived together happily for some years.
One day, however, Brian's mommy said to him, "Brian, it's time for you to go to
school."
Brian was a very little boy, and had never been to school before. He looked up
at his mommy trustingly and said, "What's school like?"
His mommy smiled. "School is a fun place with lots of other little boys and
girls there. They teach you the things you need to learn to succeed in life.
And there are all sorts of games and activities, and they give you cookies and
juice, and it's all just loads of fun!"
Brian smiled back at his mommy. School sounded great! He could hardly wait to
go!
The very next day, Brian woke up bright and early and got ready for school.
First, he dressed himself, putting on his underwear, shirt, pants, socks, and
shoes, though he was so excited that he accidentally put his shoes on first and
then tried to put his socks on over them. He laughed when he realized his
mistake, and took of fhis shoes so he could put his socks on and then his shoes
on over them. Then he went downstairs for a hearty breakfast of cereal and milk
and an apple, and then his mommy drove him to school.
Later that day, Brian's mommy picked him up from school and drove him home, and
as she drove she chattered merrily to him about what she had done that day.
Brian was silent. When they had just gotten inside, his mommy turned to Brian
and asked him what he had learned during his first exciting day at school.
Brian looked up at her. "I learned a lot of things.
"I learned that people are mean and cruel and like inflicting needless pain on
others. I learned that everyone is trying to get everything they can for
themselves no matter who they hurt along the way. I learned that no cookies, no
matter how tasty, can compensate for the misery of daily life. I learned that,
for most, life is long and indescribably awful, and that the only ones for whom
this is not true are the ones who die early. I learned that those who have
power over me abuse that power, and those that don't have power attempt to gain
it. And I learned that you should never trust anyone, because they all lie to
you, even those closest to you."
Brian's mommy smiled. "It sounds like school is definitely teaching you the
things you need to know to succeed in life! I'm so proud of you, Brian!"
And together, the two of them went into the kitchen to get more of those
delicious cookies. Mmmmmm! Cookies!