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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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I prefer Making All Subservient To The Will Of The Machine.
-Alloni Kramer
That goat's a fuckin' liar! I'd never do that! That just ain't
me. Besides, she was asking for it! Dressing like a slut! She WANTED
it!
She showed us on the doll, Mr. Wayne.
Oh, I'm certain she did. Lying bitch.
She was quite upset.
And I'm sure she was a very good actress.
I'm afraid you're going to be banned from the petting zoo for a long,
long time.
*sigh* At least I'll always have the slaughterhouse.
-Chris 'n' Nathan 'n' Chris 'n' Nathan 'n' Chris 'n' Nathan 'n'
Chris
My advice is to make believe that there's something invisible that's
slowly killing you. Like me with radiation, or jennifer with the
world, or chris wayne with his conscience.
-Nathan Winant
Go shriners! Go shriners! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
-Jennifer Larkin
Have you ever been smorgied on Newfie screech?
Not usually, though sometimes I tickle antelope bucket of plaster.
-tweed 'n' Alloni
I sit around hunched over my monitor, bauhaus blasting through my
headphones, taking pains to pay attention to anything else, hoping
they won't try to get me involved, which they inevitably do. And then
I run up to my room to hug my teddy bear and cry and shoot smack and
drink from the fifth of wild turkey I stole from my dad's liquor
cabinet and paint my toenails black and listen the smiths because
MORRISEY IS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN.
Oh, Marilyn Manson, TAKE ME AWAY!!!
-Nathan Winant
It sure is nice to be so close to a drugstore that stocks teriyaki
beef jerky. Yum yum.
AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! YOU WHORE!!!! OF JERKY!!!! YOU.... YOU JERKY
WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Jennifer 'n' Nathan
Today I found a heart-shaped tin of altoids. It's called "The Love
Tin." It's the perfect way to say "Honey, I love you but you have
baaaaaaaaad breath."
-Jennifer Larkin
Lesbian's, lesbian's everywhere,
but none that I can lick...
-Funky J
You'll be added in due course. Once I get off my lazy
good-for-nothing ass and actually get requoting again.
-Alloni Kramer (yep, any time now....)
Seems to be working fine for me. Maybe your psychotic tendencies are
trying to tell you something. Something about Listerine, Jennifer, and
lies. Something that you need to punish her for. Jennifer lied to
you. She lied to you about the Listerine. Jennifer needs to be
punished. Fly out to Lousiana, stalk her for a few weeks, then late
one night, slowly eviscerate her. Yeah. That'll show her.
-Alloni Kramer
just woke up, looked in the mirror, and found someone who looks
suspiciously like Vanilla Ice staring back at me... "go ninja go ninja
go!"
-Funky J
god, shut up.
-ghostxxx (you can just feel the love)
There is a personality trait that I appreciate about one of my
friends.
Is it mind-numbing dullness? I know I appreciate that in my friends.
It makes me appear more interesting by comparison.
-Jennifer 'n' Chris
mmm, whore jerky. Sure, it costs several hundred dollars a pound in
stores, but with the RonCo Food Dehydrator, you can make your own for
just pennies. And it's freely available. Unlike other meats, you can
get back your initial investment when you cut up the whore. Can beef
do that? No! Homemade Whore Jerky. It's a Good Thing.
-Chris Wayne
Fat lot of good you people did me. I was forced to put forth effort
and break my Vow of Sloth. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.
-Chris Wayne
hrmph. Pegasus kept sending it back to me, claiming it couldn't get
through to the server. How was I to know that it was, in fact, getting
through and was just sending me a copy, like some kind of bizarre
transporter accident. Kill us both Spock.
-Chris Wayne
I'm going to OzzFest this year, who's coming with me?
Ten thousand redneck frat boys with thinly-veiled homoerotic
tendencies and a cubic acre of stale lukewarm budweiser.
-Jason 'n' Nathan
Young man! You don't need to look down, I said
Young man! Pick yourself up off the ground, I said
Young man! Just cause your belly is round
Theres .. no .. need .. to .. be .. un-happy!
It's fun to go to the gee why em hey!
-Jon Mayer
I LIKE IT. Lick.
Lick yourself. And if you manage to do that, let me know; we have some
positions to try.
-Jon 'n' Jennifer
It's small white flower season. Does anybody know the limit? Grab me
mah shotgun.
-Jennifer Larkin
I am a God, if not by birth, then by legacy and upbringing.
I am a prince among men. I am a pioneer and a slacker. I am a gourmet,
a gourmand, and a materialist. My hedonism is checked only by my lust
for convenience. I am an intellectual, an idiot, a rebel, and the
institution. I am what every american and the rest of the civilized
world no-so-secretly dreams it could be.
I am a Californian.
-Nathan Winant
The air is horrid, the streets are gridlocked, the people are
combatitive, the economy is insane, the police run the show like an
army of jackbooted thugs, the political system is so screwed up that
they can't even keep the lights on, and it's the fucking birthplace of
monoculture. But I miss it SO! MUCH!!! California uber alles, dude.
California uber alles.
-Nathan Winant
how do you people do it?
well, tweed, there are birds and there are bees, see? well, the birds
and the bees... fuckit. nathan, you tell him.
-tweed 'n' ghostxxx
Isn't the sole purpose of this list to discuss my sex life?
-Jennifer Larkin
I think I need a scorecard on this list.
Scorecards! Getcher scorecards here! Can't tell one Abductee from
another without a scorecard!
-tweed 'n' Alloni
I'm coming for you, Juan Valdez. I'm coming for you and it's not gonna
be pretty when I find you and that stupid mule of yours. Your
mule-fucking days are OVER MISTER!!!! YOU HEAR ME? OVER!
-Jennifer Larkin
Clinton will be forever known as the president after Bush.
-Jason
It's not that we don't care, it's that we don't care about Australia.
-Jason
Other peoples' pain is funny. Tell me more.
-Nathan Winant
Wow. howunbelievablyfuckingclever.com
-Nathan Winant
For some reason, I don't fall into the category of men who believe
Virgins Are Better. I say, the more they know, the better.
-Alloni Kramer
I met gibo and he appears to not be a perl script. Assuming that I'm
not a perl script.
-Jennifer Larkin
stories like this make we want to bomb America. (YES, I SAID BOMB
AMERICA - TAKE MY NAME AND NUMBER MR SECRET SERVICE PERSON... AND
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!)
-Funky J (Name and Number available on request)
Nathan's a liar. I know for a fact that he doesn't love Alloni. I
mean, not that he doesn't like Alloni and not that Alloni isn't good
enough in bed, but LOVE is a different story.
Yup. He just uses me for my body. I just use him for his body, too,
though, so it all works out in the end.
-Jennifer 'n' Alloni
"I'm ColdFusion certified and all I got is this lousy hangover."
-Jennifer Larkin
Today's suck is a real humdinger!
-Nathan Winant
I swear, with utmost rage, that if i were to ever meet the people that
did this sort of thing, i would rip their fucking throats out with my
bare hands.
-ghostxxx (paragon of restraint)
GAH!!!!!! I just noticed that... You PROGRAMMED me! DAMN YOU, woman, YOU
PROGRAMMED ME!!!!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU TO *HELL*!!!!!!!!!! TO
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant (perl script?)
Woohoo! Blanket party with a Jewish Space Monkey and Sister Mary Harold!
Rawrrrrrrrr!
-Jennifer Larkin
This week in the personals:
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
INTELLECTUAL EX-NEW Yorker, 33. I have the cutest little puppy. Fluffy and soft,
with big brown eyes. When he stands and gives Eskimo kisses, it's the sweetest
thing you ever saw. If you want him to live, please call me. #3956
-Nathan Winant
It's a sunday. I want to work. I have a lot of work to do, and it's due in a day
or two. I freely chose to come in to the office to work today. But a coworker is
here. In the same room, no less. Which is extra-tasty-crispy strange, because
he's usually not at the office at all. I find it impossible to work with him
sitting next to me. He's not looking at me. I don't think he's listening to
me.... But I know that he's JUDGING me. I can FEEEEEEEEEL it.......
-Nathan Winant (mmm, paranoia)
Seduce somebody. Or eat them. Same thing.
-Nathan Winant, about Jennifer (obviously)
You win this battle, Larkin... for now...
-Nathan Winant
My boyfriend has a first name
it's j- m- dot- j- m (dot)
My boyfriend has a second name
It's m- a- y- e- r
I love to eat him every day
And if you ask me why I'll say
You probably don't really want to know
And I wouldn't tell you anyway
-Jennifer Larkin (somehow, I think she would)
Last night I had several reams that I remember.
-Jennifer Larkin (hooray for out-of-context misspellings!)
Go forth, my research monkey! Fly! FLY!
-Nathan Winant
I, for one, blame alloni. If he wasn't wigglin' his way through my dreams in
those sequined tights and tanktops, I might be able to focus for once...
I told you that if you watched that video it would infect your mind. I said,
"The sight of me has been known to make strong men weak with desire." But,
noooo.
-Nathan 'n' Alloni
It was "America doesn't really want to be secure because the price is too high.
-Jennifer Larkin (prophecy?)
"In my dreams I am flying through the forest."
"In my dreams I am naked and warm."
"In my dreams I can screech with desire."
"In my dreams."
"In my dreams... I am Monkey."
Monkey... By Calvin Klein.
-Nathan Winant
It's iceland, or the philippines, or hastings, or... or this place!
You're losing it aren't you? Well, what it you had to begin with.
Chess?
I don't see Jen rating the kind of mate you're contemplating...
-Nathan 'n' Jennifer 'n' Jon 'n' Nathan
An eeeeevil paragon of self-control?
-Nathan
I wait for the day when I finally defile
The bodies of my ex-lover's lover
I'll pile high to the sky
The bodies of my ex-lover's lovers
Die die die dadadie die dadadie dadadie watch them die
Die dadadadie dadadadie die watch them die
-Jennifer Larkin (and they say my posts are chilling....)
Hemp today, corn flakes tomorrow. Vegemite forever after. Fiendish.
-Chris Wayne
how do you people do it?
Missionary position, in a bed, in the dark, with a person of the opposite sex,
in a loving, monogamous, and sanctified marriage, for the sole purpose of
reproduction, as quickly and with as little pleasure as possible, immediately
followed by self-flagellation, prayers for forgiveness, and 24 hours of fasting.
As if there is any other way.
-tweed 'n' Chris
I am also unable to walk erect. All the blood leaving my brain makes me very
uncoordinated.
-Chris Wayne
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the bean
that thoughts acquire speed, the teeth acquire stains, the stains become a
warning. It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
-Chris Wayne
So I'm stopped at a red light this morning. To my right, an Amish buggy is also
stopped there. And right there, at eye level, I see the horse has an erection.
An 18-inch erection. At the very least.... I feel damaged.
Drive through milkshake!
-Chris 'n' ghostxxx
Excuse me while I exercise my demons (one! two! one! two!)
"I am Phallus of Org! Resistance is futile. You will be ass-stimulated."
"Well the earth died screaming. While I lay dreaming."
"Duty now for the future."
There. Now maybe they'll leave me in peace.
-Jon Mayer
"Microsoft's Al Roker"
-Nathan Winant
I want to be an animatronic cat.
-Nathan Winant
Spell checkers also want to change "Alloni" to "alien". hmm, maybe you have
something there....
-Chris Wayne
Oh sure, everyone remembers the Electric Company. They just conveniently forget
the real power-behind-the-throne, 3-2-1 Contact, and the reign of terror of
their jackbooted enforcers, Der Bludhundt Gang.
Never forget.
-Nathan Winant
Kernighan? You mean the one they call The Great Betrayer? Save your appeals to
authority, young one... that old man has no power here. How can something
advanced fail to be incomprehensible to most? By nature of being advanced, it is
available only to the select, enlightened few. Ah, child, your semantics betray
you...
Join us, Jennifer. The code is strong in you, and such a shame that it should be
wasted on a child's toy. Leave your egalitarian backwater, and join us in our
syntactical gibberish! Program in natural languages! Abandon your deterministic
principles of "legibility" and "clarity" and "compassion", and revel in the
postmodern programming age! Run with us! Laugh with us! Sneer with us!
Instantiate objects for no apparently worthwhile reason with us! Jump in,
Jennifer, the waters of arrogance are FINE!!!
-Nathan Winant
DJ Flyhaed (the one in a nun suit): "Do you still have a problem with that
speech impediment? The inability to say no?"
-Jennifer Larkin
Great, just air-mail express the jack-booted thugs direct to my doorstep. That's
the last thing I need, some Internet Weirdo looking me up in the whitepages...
:-)
If they wanted to do that, they could just ask me for your address. HEY
JACK-BOOTED THUGS! I CAN SEND YOU DIRECTLY TO HIS HOUSE! JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU
NEED THE ADDRESS! Like you don't send your new address to the list when you
move, silly monkey.
-Jon 'n' Jennifer
Nothing sexier than a jock strap jingling with loonies.
-Chris Wayne
I'm with you. This sickens me so much that I can barely rape puppies.
-Chris Wayne (re: bonsai kittens)
Is it possible to experience a moment of perfect happiness during a hate fuck?
Discuss.
Insofar as life is one painful, drawn-out hatefuck, no.
-Chris 'n' Nathan
The only feasible form of government is a 15-member technocratic oligarchy, with
a rotating chairperson who is elected by lot on alternate Tuesdays, which is
responsible for all civic and economic decisions, with a separate military
tribunal whose members are elected by a seven-tier hierarchy of mortal combat
matches, all of which is merely a front for Lucinda Watson, an 87-year-old woman
in Topeka, Kansas, who secretly rules the world with an iron fist.
-Chris Wayne
If Best = effective, plus happy citizens then the best form of government is a
benevolent dictatorship.
An even better form of government is a benevolent dictatorship which the
citizens believe is a democracy.
Which is what has made America great.
-Jon Mayer
Thanks to the tireless efforts of pornographers and sensationalists, we
ostensibly have freedom of expression here. And cheetos.
If it weren't for our freedom of cheetos I would've moved to Canadia when George
W. was "elected."
-Nathan 'n' Jennifer
My boss has been looking to adopt another dog recently. So this morning he comes
in with this brilliant idea to get together with a few other companies and do a
pro-bono site for one or two shelters in the area. So we surf around, looking at
all these various austin-area adoption sites, and then he takes off, and I have
like half a dozen windows open with pictures of helpless dogs with big pathetic
brown-eyes staring at me.
Staring at me!
STARING AT ME!
-Nathan Winant
Speaking of being on your knees and getting the shaft, you may have noticed that
I'm still here.
-Nathan Winant (who are we to judge?)
she was pegged in the head with a lawn dart
her dad didn't see her, that's the worst part
she was pegged in the head with a lawn dart
now they're down off the shelf at the k-mart
-Jon Mayer
No matter how intelligent you might happen to be, you still work at a company
populated almost entirely by idiots and assholes. Everybody hates you.
-Nathan Winant (so true....)
the trip to louisiana seems a lot faster when taken with a friend and not a
sexual partner.
He lies! We had sex! Sex all during the trip! Why won't any of you believe
me? Sniffle. I feel unloved.
Yeah, but you aren't so much a partner as a "pardner". My Li'l Pardner.
You've lived in Texas way too long.
-Nathan 'n' Alloni 'n' Nathan 'n' Jennifer
Tell us a story of love and betrayal. Tell the story of a king and a young
peasant girl. Tell us of their adventures and of the evil witch who called down
the very starrs upon them. Tell us of a dress and a pearl necklace, whose
magical secrets could destroy a mighty empire.
Tell us a tale of Monica.
-Chris Wayne
Dear gnomes,
Please desist from your efforts to tear this planet apart. I'm not done with it
yet.
-Jon Mayer
Don't you see? They want to eliminate Starbuck's! Well, and Bill Gates.
1.) Steal underpants.
2.) End Starbuck's reign of terror
3.) End Bill Gates' reign of terror
5.) Profit!
-Jennifer Larkin
Official Abducted Financial News: (Jon Mayer)
Make untraceable online e-bucks fast!
Thanks to the good folks at AmEx and 7-11, I can now safely and securely
purchase my crank on ebay.
http://www.7-eleven.com/internetcard/
Walk into a 7-11. Splunk down a briefcase containing, oh, $1040 dollars. Walk
out with an American Express "Gift Card" with a completely anonymous $1000
balance. "Use it like a credit card."
Is it really anonymous? "Because there is no name assocaited with the Card,
there is limited ability to get a replacement Card."
I love how this card has only very limited legitimate usefulness. This is gonna
sell like hotcakes. Time to invest in 7-11? Maybe not: "This is a stickup!
Give me 20 $1000 anonymous cash cards!" (Before you brainiacs go and try this,
bear in mind that your savaged, bleeding clerk is probably never going to bother
to file the paperwork to activate those cards. But hey, if you happen to be a
7-11 clerk, this is your big chance to enter into the exciting and risk-economic
world of white collar crime!)
Anonymous on-line digital cash -- it's so fucking over. I love it.
Jonathan.
ps. now if only I could accept a payment from one anonymous AmEx card directly
to my own personal anonymous AmEx card...
Official Abducted Rhyming Mockery: (forwarded by ghostxxx)
It's even better if you read it out loud.
Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson:
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for
my act of copulation.
I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I
could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted
her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration,
replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation)
and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I
insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with variation.
This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the
media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is
considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not
result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided
illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Official Abducted Corportate Correspondence: (forwarded by Eric Gustafson)
Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which
they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out
the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes.
Here's the responses he got.. fun and games with nike...
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"<nikeid_personalize@nike.com>
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons.
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual
property.
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the
legal right to use.
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your
mother would slap us.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please
visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the
criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes was the word "sweatshop."
Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank,
or 4) profanity.
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children
that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.
Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"<nikeid_personalize@nike.com>
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as
stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang".
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please
visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I
disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After
consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part
of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which
workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions"
and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria
detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose
and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and
personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build
it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal
iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised
to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of
expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site
that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any Personal iD up to 24 hours after it
has been submitted".
In addition it further explains: "While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot
honor every one. Some may be (or contain) others4 trademarks, or the names of
certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not
have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider
inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may
otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline
your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another."
With these rules in mind we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish
to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again
at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu>
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided
to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small
request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old
Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?
Thanks,
Jonah Peretti
<no response>
Official Abducted Abuse of Yours Truly: (Nathan Winant)
Using Chris Wayne as a transformation tool:
Garth Brooks | Chris Gaines
Chris Gaines | Chris Wayne
Chris Wayne | Brune Wayne
Bruce Wayne | Batman
... ergo, Garth Brooks is Batman. Which if you think about it, kinda makes
sense. Batman is, after all:
- A disaffected multimillionaire
- Not a small guy
- A borderline psychotic with serious identity issues
- A larger-than-life cartoon character
This theorum (henceforth to be known as "Winant's Wayne Transformation
Hypothesis") also demonstrates that Chris Wayne is:
- A tool
- Commonly found between two large men
... Noble Peas Prize, here I come!!!
Official Abducted Insight into Nathan's Mind: (Nathan Winant)
Wanna know what my first Divine Revelation from the magical introspection
mushroom was? It went a little something like this:
"Look at all this beauty around me, look at how I can perceive all the
underlying structure, all the underlying order. Yet I'm so bored with the world,
why is that? Obviously I'm not working to capacity, I'm not being challenged at
all.
"But I'm doing relatively intelligent work. Since I'm bored, this must mean I'm
extremely intelligent.
"Huh. Sooooo.... Obviously I'm better than everyone and people don't deserve
me."
After I spent the next half hour quietly reflecting on how superior I was, I
wandered around for a little while staring at nature, perceiving myself as the
next buddha. Then I shared my lunch with a giant poisonous spider and revelled
at the predatory bond we shared.
I swear to god, that was it. My great insight was raw arrogance. This isn't to
say that it isn't CORRECT, merely that it's kinda disturbing that I open the lid
on my subconscious, let it come out so we can sit down and have a quick chat,
and what does it say?
"WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1! ph34r my l33t sk33lz!!!"
Official Abducted Rules for Fantasy: (Alloni Kramer)
Notes On How To Get Ahead In Fantasy And Fairy Tales (Or At Least Survive The
Experience)
1. Be Good. These being fairy tales, evil never really prospers in the end.
Evil may convert to Good, but this doesn't always save it. Note that Being Good
consists of loudly proclaiming that you are Good and of little else. Murder,
torture, and theft are all acceptable behaviors as long as you're doing them in
the cause of Good. Exception: If you murder, torture, and steal in the name of
Good because you belong to some religious organization, it will be understood
that you're actually Evil. If you belong to some religious group, you have to
act Good to be Good. Sorry.
2. Pay back debts. To anyone. This can be as simple as if someone does
something nice to you, doing something nice for them in return, though this is
not required. What is required is obeying your sworn word in dealings. If you
make a deal with some great cosmic force for a favor in return for your
firstborn child, you'd better deliver them the child or else you're in for a
world of hurt. Corollary: the person you're dealing with _can_ deliver their
part of the bargain, and if you don't have a firstborn, you will shortly,
whether or not this seems possible. If you want visitation rights to the kid,
speak up now or forever hold your peace. Exceptions: Wriggling out of deals by
obeying the letter of the law is barely acceptable. Far more acceptable is to
renege by forcing the other side to renege on their part of the bargain. This
is the approach most frequently used when making a deal for your soul. Careful,
though - the devil is tricky. Souldealing is the only type of deal that it is
generally possible to escape from with no illeffects, though sometimes the tale
takes a "deal with the devil and you're screwed" approach. Be very careful to
know who you're dealing with.
3. Always follow directions. I cannot stress this enough. If you are told by
some passing stranger that the only way to escape your predicament is to strip
naked in public and dance the tango, we'd better be seeing buns flying pronto.
If they tell you the wooden dipper is the one you use, then no matter how purty
the golden one is, touch it and you're toast. Exception: Once in a blue moon
the Evil one will disguise themselves as your friend in order to give you
inaccurate advice. Don't follow the Evil one's advice. See rule 4.
4. Trust your feelings, Luke. Too often, we see too many heroes and heroines
get a bad feeling about a situation, or think they see an Evil leer on someone's
face, or feel an overwhelming sense of danger, and then just shrug it off as
imagination and move on. It isn't your imagination, and they really are the
Evil one in disguise. If something seems wrong about what they're telling you
to do, like they're telling you to sacrifice a small child on the altar of
Darkness at midnight, don't do it. Exceptions: Learn to distinguish feelings
of Evil from feelings of general disgust and embarrassment. Also, even more
rarely the Evil one will bother to send you false feelings of Goodness and
rightness. In which case, give it up. You're dealing with someone who is very
good at their job, and while you aren't doomed, you've got some rough times
ahead of you.
5. Never be a sidekick. Sidekicks die. Either be one of the heores/heroines,
or be a random passer-by. There is no middle ground.
6. The more harmless it looks, the more dangerous it is. That old woman is a
fairy (either Good or Evil), the tasty-looking meal is poisoned, and the small
pebble has world-shattering power. Treat them all with respect. Unfortunately,
the reverse is usually not true. That huge, hideous dragon can mess you up
bigtime, although every now and again it'll turn out to be an illusion.
7. If you've got wishes, you've got problems. Either you'll end up right back
where you started or far worse off. Corrolary: Always always always save your
last wish for undoing the damage of your earlier ones. Never use one of your
earlier wishes to undo the damage, or you'll proably use the last one to wish
for something apparently harmless and regret it immediately. Exception:
Excruciatingly rarely your genie-being will be a Nice Being. In this case, you
may end up ahead of the game, but don't count on it, and _never_ piss them off.
Also, if your requests are intentionally small then your genie-being may choose
to grant them rather than twisting them in some fashion. Wishing for a thousand
dollars is generally safer than asking for a million. If your requests are
_too_ small, though, this may get them mad.
8. Random small presents that seem useless at the time, on the other hand, are
Good mojo. When an otherwise unsolvable situation comes up, they will make
everything happy for you. This may be because the Powers That Be like giving
gifts but hate doing requests. And They don't do windows. So remember,
kiddies: gifts - Good, wishes - Bad.
9. The skeptics are wrong. "That's nice dear, now go to bed." "Birds can't
talk!" "That staff doesn't really have the power of Eldron the Magnificent.
Let's get him!" Pity them for their ignorance. Mocking them to their faces is
considered impolite, though precocious youngsters of probable great magic
ability can get away with it. Making up rude rhymes about them is illadvised,
as they may be wrong, but they can still send you to bed without any supper,
young missy.
10. Omens are infallible, though generally misunderstood until they actually
occur. If you see a vision of yourself dying in battle, you or someone who
looks like you will seem to bite it before the story ends. Sometimes you seem
to have freewill, but it's an illusion - you'll have the opportunity to avoid
your vision, but realize the consequences of doing so are worse than if you
obey. Try not to let it get to you. That spear you saw go through your side
might not be mortal, and even if it is it's always possible a mystical force
will heal you before or shortly after you go to the Big Fairytale In The Sky.
11. If nobody Good notices that what you're doing is really Evil, it isn't. If
you rob passers at bowpoint, kill thousands of random guards, and torture a
demon with shots of holy water, as long as nobody thinks to comment, "hey, do
the ends really justify these kinds of means?" they do. Of course, if someone
does comment, then they're going to die in a tragic accident fairly shortly, and
while your reign may be short, it'll be fun while it lasts. Don't worry if Evil
people kvetch about your Evilness, though - they're just jealous.
12. Revel in your Evil ways. This is more in the nature of advice to help you
enjoy yourself than to help you live. Don't angst about your Evil state unless
you're really trying to turn Good and save your own sorry behind - sure, you'll
probably survive, but doesn't it lack a certain dignity? The bright side about
being Evil is that there are no real rules for it. "It's better to burn out
than fade away." Don't let the fact that you're Evil stop you from doing nice
things for your friends and having a loving marriage. Don't let any scruples
stop you from destroying those who get in your way. You'll go down fighting and
be remembered for generations yet to come. If you have lots of style, you might
even be remembered better than the hero.
13. If you're young and attractive, you will find True Love. Don't stress
about it. Even if you're a hideous monster, there's a chance you're really
young and attractive underneath.
More may appear at some point when I feel like it.
Official Abducted Notification of Apotheosis: (Alloni Kramer)
Without me, you are nothing. I leave town for a few days, and the list goes
dead. I own all your souls. Worship me.
Which is not to say that I am not a benevolent deity. I allow you all to wear
your own socks. No commandments about socks are expressed or implied. Socks.
Yes. Socks.
Of course, you must donate all your other worldly possessions to me. And no
fair sockhoarding. You aren't allowed to spend all your money on socks and
indulge in socktrading. At the New York Sock Exchange. Such things are an
attempt to violate the letter of My rules, and you will be damned to the
torments of Hell for it. WHERE DIRTY SOCKS WILL BE WAVED IN YOUR FACE FOR ALL
ETERNITY! SUFFER, SOCKISH FOOLS!
But I know you wouldn't do that to Me. Kindly deity that I am.
Also, in the future, you must all spell "I" in lowercase. Only I am allowed to
refer to myself as I. It's a godhood capitalization thing. I don't expect you
to understand.
(English is the most egotistical language I know, come to think of it, in a
brief aside from maniacal ravings. In Spanish, Usted(es) is capitalized.
Meaning you, singular or plural. Must make effort to determine ego quotient
e.q. of other languages. Back to ravings.)
And. Um. Give Me a moment, I'll think of something. Not that I don't know
what I'm about to say already. I am, after all, you omniscient deity. I'm
just, ah, testing you. Yes. A test. Fear the tests of your God. For if you
displease me, insert standard Hellish boilerplate here, Larry. And make sure
it's good this time, I want to scare these rubes right out of their socks. Then
we'll have those as well, and the circle will be complete, and all will be
joined together in My name, forever and ever amen. Say amen! Now! Out loud,
so your cow-orkers can hear you and wonder what the Hell you're doing!
I need an antideity, though. Someone to scare you folks into line so you'll
make sure to give Me My due. Them christians had the right idea on this one.
Make an antideity, but make him not as powerful as the real deity, so everyone
knows who is going to win in the end, and go lining up to be on the winning
side. So. In My grand scheme, I will pick one of you to be the anti-me. Any
volunteers? Note: volunteering is punishable by eternal damnation.
Lessee. Commandments. Socks. We got that one. Worship me. Always good, keep
'em coming in. Let's just say that one again. Make it two commandments. What
the Hell, three even. What've we got?
I) Thou canst keep thine own socks.
II) Thou shalt worship Me, thou ignorant buffoons.
III) Don't evenest think of worshiping anything other than Me, or I shalt be
forced to be Pissed Off.
IV) Goobers! Me! Worship! Me! Now now now now now!
(A tad strident? No, these people are primitive savages, and are easily
impressed by such tactics. Impress them right off the bat that I mean
business.)
V) I art a kind and benevolent deity, dagnabbit.
VI) But Don't Piss Me Off.
VII) Don'teth, I mean. I think.
VIII) Stop that! Right this instant, young man/woman! You are being Very
Naughty! Put that down right now! Do you know where it's been?
IX) I didn't mean it about women. Women, you can be naughty. Particularly
attractive women. I want videotape, though. Live performances are even better.
And don't abuse the privilege. See commandments V and VI.
X) I get Everything but your socks.
That seems to cover it. What are you waiting for? If you're very good, or very
female and very naughty in my presence, I may write commandments for you. Won't
you like that? Commandments! Commandments for everyone!
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