|
|
|
Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
|
Next time he sticks his tongue in your mouth, stick your tongue (the
tongue you will now go and out and buy) down his throat when he's
sleeping.
-Funky J
The world's dumbest female is, of course, Lois Lane.
-Chris Wayne (come back to us!)
I work with a guy named Chad. He's got kind of a beer gut. And so, now
and for all eternity, he will hereby be known as Pregnant Chad.
-Chris Wayne (topical!)
What fun is that? Reopening old wounds is one of my hobbies.
-Chris Wayne
You gotta love a film that fills you with homicidal curiousity.
-Chris Wayne
"There are only two reasons for voting LIBERTARIAN: Click OKAY of
you're a dope fiend, CANCEL if you like pornography." I think I need
to come up with a way to connect two mice (mouses?) at one :)
-Josh Smith
My aunt apparently slipped my dad some tongue on her wedding night.
-Josh Smith (eww!)
Someone please kill Fraboni. I'll be your best friend. And for some of
you that's pretty impressive.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The only thing that's contagious... is my ATTITUDE! gotta DANCE!
-Nathan Winant
Best line from a holiday song: "Santa, get off of my girlfriend."
-Mary Hodges
Alright. That does it. Mary has just been officially declared An
Incomplete Perl Simulation of Mr Urc. Jonathan, did you program Mary
just so I'd have someone to fight over you with?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Terri C. Sheep has been swearing to kill my for close to six years
now. She's even given me notes and pictures with her LIES written all
over them. But that's just what they are. Lies. And now...And now
I'm drowing in a sea of broken promises wondering when, oh god _when_,
will it all finally end...
-litho
of course, I was going to bonk you to death, but now you've betrayed
me like all the other women in my life, I'll just have to give you
cancer and let you die slowly, like the rest of them...
-Funky J
I saw a book in the bookstore yesterday named "JAVA POOP." Well, I'll
never forget the name.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, I do like chicken-fried steak. But my family tree hasn't
included inbreeding for probably more than six generations....
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I wish Terri C. Sheep would swear to kill me :(
-Josh Smith
Maybe I have to kill you. Maybe then my life will become 100% happy.
-Alloni Kramer
I had heard that there was going to be an anti-bush rally down at the
capitol. Assuming that there would eventually be either drugs or a
riot, we decided to head on down.
-Nathan Winant
After a moment, we realized that they were both holding Bush/Cheney
signs. And then we realized that they were both chanting
pro-Bush/Cheney slogans. At each other. The bush supporters were
protesting... each other. I shall always remember that as the exact
moment at which I realized just how pathetic Gore's loss truly was.
-Nathan Winant
My understanding is that they run a very similar game at the local
post office, only they call it "find the man in the picture". I
understand there's a very sizeable cash prize, but I suspect I'm
ineligible for it.
-Nathan Winant
Depends. Lemme see a picture of you. If you're attractive, I'd
rather have sex with you than kill you. On the other hand, if you're
attractive and turn me down for sex, then we move back into the
killing range. On the other other hand, who would dare turn me down
for sex?
-Alloni Kramer
Nathan... You are here for my amusement, you didn't know that? I'm
sorry I forgot to tell you. I hope there are no hard feeling between
us. Please forgive me. Now, Mr. Kramer asked for something and I
haven't seen it posted yet... Dance, monkey boy. Dance!
-Jason
Sex first. Kill later.
That's very narrow-minded of you.
-Alloni 'n Chris
Hmmmmm......maybe sex with you WOULD kill me. Then we would both get
something out of it. I'd have what I want, and you would have
something wild to brag about.
-Mary Hodges
Hmmmm....I have heard several men recently comment on the joys of
scratching their balls. What, pray tell, is so wondrous about that?
-Mary Hodges
"Of course you are. Your eyes are like pearls, their irises
gold-flecked opals. Your cheeks are chiseled from the finest inlaid
ivory, your lips are Chateau Petrus. Your breasts are the finest
gorgonzola, and your nipples are flickable diamonds. Just imagine how
much money you would have if you hocked all that stuff down at the
thrift shop."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin quoting jm.jm
God. We would never hear the end of that. "Well, but that isn't nearly
as impressive as when I fucked Mary to death." "The funniest thing
happened while I was boinking Mary to death..." "Oh yeah... That was
the night Mary died, nudge nudge wink wink." He'd be incorrigible. I
forbid it. I don't want to want to die.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Repressed feelings, like dead bodies, always surface eventually. Even
when they're weighted with concrete and you've stabbed hundreds of
holes into them. Unless you eviscerate them first. But I digress.
-Chris Wayne
Lies could only help my reputation, I'm afraid. Spread away. Besides,
most of the scathing things you could say aren't exactly lies. Except
that thing with Emperor Hirohito's corpse. I never did that.
-Chris Wayne
Please don't drag me into your delusions.
-Chris Wayne
well, they're kinda ticklish, kinda sexually arousing, and just kinda
itchy. 3 sensations in one!
-Funky J
I guarantee its not as fun to scratch your armpits as it is to scratch
your nuts.
-ghostxxx
Speaking of scary, I saw Caligula last night. Amazing. Orgy scenes
that were not the least bit arousing. Nor would they have bene
arousing if Malcom McDowwel hadn't been walking around in them yelling
"Five gold coins for every twenty minutes!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Unfortunately, sex with me has yet to kill anyone. We could try it
and see what happened, though.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm all for gambling, but not when it comes to my death. I want a sure
thing.
-Mary Hodges
Today I caught myself singing the all-time polka favorite "Roll Out
the Barrels" except I was singing "roll out the bowels". I think I
need to have myself checked. Soon. Very soon. "We'll have a bowel of
fun!"
-Chris Wayne
Are you being sarcastic or honest?
There's a difference?
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Do the Jews take off with your penis once a month?
hrmph. I don't want to talk about it.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
I remember seeing Dack Rambo on there once. In case you don't know the
name, he was a soap opera star in the mid-80s and one of the first
celebrities to publicly admit being HIV+ before getting sick. And, of
course, he shortly thereafter became a born-again Christian (odd how
facing almost certain death does that to people). So Pat asks him if
he knows where he got the virus from. And he says "From a man, from a
woman, who knows? I used to sleep with pretty much anything that
moved" or something to that effect. Stunned silence. Pat and his big-
haired co-hostess just froze with big goofy Jesus-loves-you smiles and
said nothing. The interview pretty much fell apart after that.
-Chris Wayne
Now since when did I ever say Jen was/is paranoid? I've agreed with
Garth that she's a bit of a hypochondriac maybe. But never paranoid.
And what if I said that the sky is blue during the daytime? Or that
lo mein is chinese for soft noodles? This could be fun, actually.
-Josh Smith
CW, guide me in your manner of systematically crushing the most
cherished beliefs of others.
-Josh Smith
Is that an orgasmatron in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yea, verily. Truly He is a merciful god. Okay, not really. But He is a
a hungry god. Especially after a nap.
-Chris Wayne
Just the normal, everyday ways that women usually emasculate men.
-Chris Wayne
There's no bratwurst involved, is there? ugh, that's an experience I
-never- want to go through again....
-Chris Wayne
Dear, if I had an orgasmatron in my pocket I'd be happy to see
_anyone_.
-Alloni Kramer
What build version? <Start Joke>I was able to secure the Orgamatron
3000 Aplha Build 12. Works great, but I need to fill out a bug report
though... <Joke Set: Successful; Punchline> Every time to doorbell
ring, I ejaculate. <Rimshot> Thank you, Thank you... I'll be here all
week.
-Jason
I'm starting a Kill Jason drive. Care to make a donation?
-Alloni Kramer
You're such a geek. *giggle* HEY! WHO DID THAT? NO GIGGLING IN MY
EMAIL CLIENT! YOU HEAR ME?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Isn't it a bit redundant to specify that any given post from Mr.
Cwayne is chilling?
-Josh Smith
Or is this the huge amount of resin I just smoked talking?
-Josh Smith
Don't be silly. You can't die a fiery AND bloody death. Blood congeals
quickly at high temperatures, such as when a body is on fire. I'm
sorry, but you'll have to pick one and only one.
-Chris Wayne
Glow-in-the-dark hands on clocks and watches used to be painted with a
minute amount of radium (not sure if they still are). In fact, they
used to be painted by hand, until entire crews of workers got
radiation poisoning and/or various cancers. After that they only
hired immigrants.
-Chris Wayne
"Holy infant, so tender and mild." mmm, holy infant....
-Chris Wayne
According to one of my psych courses in college, dreaming of broken
teeth means that you will become Libertarian and learn Japanese. I'm
sure it's just a coincidence.
-Chris Wayne
I'm sure that businesses payed them well for their injuries, as it is
clearly in their best interests to do so. Because business cares.
-Chris Wayne
I almost induced a heart attack once. Damn nitroglycerin tablets.
-Chris Wayne
I hereby declare the Abducted Unimportant Corps, for those of us who
aren't important here and who need the union support.
-Alloni Kramer
you'd probably let me down too. i asked at a recent gathering which
of my friends would kill me and they all rose their hands. but have
any of them? no. no they just all lied! LIARS!! damn you all!
-litho
Where's Freud when ya need him?
All coked up out of his gourd, smoking a cigar with his mother.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
The reason why I'm not into the whole two way suicide thing with you
is because then it'll be as if I'm murdering someone. And you know
how that goes in our society. HOWEVER! Now that Funky's supposedly
in on it, if we coordinate it with a comet or asteroid or the renewal
of shows such as clueless, it'll look like some cult thing instead!
And than young teens will look up to us.
-litho
My mom has a "to do" list right next to the computer so I can't help
but look at it constantly. And number one on this list is really
disturbing me. I'm pretty positive it says: 1. derive Selene (<- me)
What does she _mean_ by that?!
-litho
OH MY GOD!!! YOUR MOM WANTS TO COMMIT CALCULUS UPON YOUR BODY! RUN FOR
THE GILLS!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's Alloni's ancestors! Run!
-Josh Smith
Actually, I don't want to make a statement. I just want to be dead.
-Mary Hodges
No, not my ancestors. Most of them are dead. Must be my descendants.
They have yet to be dead.
-Alloni Kramer
Ahh yes. This explains it. The fruit of Alloni's seed, participants
in a neozionist conspiracy, are tormenting Jason's ICQ account from
Israel in the future.
-Jason
*incomprehensible gibbering* *paranoid side to side eye motion* it
gets worse. It was the only item on the whole list that was crossed
off. What does that mean!? Have I been derived? Watch out! You may
be next! I'm mel....t..ing...into...a pil.e of..sine..equations...i'm
a trough! related rates have eaten away at my soul! ack!!
-litho
I could draw dirty pictures, but my employee manual advises against
it.
-Nathan Winant
There used to be something you're not allergic to? A paradox. The
universe couldn't allow it to continue to be.
-Alloni Kramer (re: jennifer)
"You may have the tongue of a spanish lover, but I have the thighs of
a french wastrel! Enter at your own risk!"
-Nathan Winant
X-mas Theme Porn Movie: How The Grinch Stole My Virginity. The male
actor being in full costume. The female actor being in the costume of
that little Who main character.
-Jason
Oooo, was his penis green with envy?
-Mary Hodges
We like the smell of testicles under our fingernails.
-Chris Wayne
"Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pac Man affected us as
kids, we'd all sit around in a darkened room, munching magic pills and
listening to repetitive music."
-brought to us by Funky J
This sort of vertical and horizonal zany marketing strategy exeplifies
why i love Japan so much: They are fucking insane.
-ghostxxx
Having seen Hook, and being willing to *admit* to having seen Hook,
are two very different things...
-Nathan Winant
Nuthin. Doin. Nuthin Duin. The new fragrance. From Loreal. How to
tell. Your man. That he ain't gettin some tonight. Use the new
fragrance. Nuthin Duin. From Loreal. He thinks. A few flowers.
Will get him out. Of this one? He's wrong. And you can tell him so.
With the new fragrance. From Loreal. Want to. Tell him. That
it's. Over now? Want to. Tell him. You've found. Someone else?
Especially. If. That. Someone. Else. Isn't. Another. Man? Use
the new fragrance. From Loreal. Nuthin Duin.
-Alloni Kramer
Like dissolves like. To dissolve petroleum jelly use gasoline (aka
petrol). And gental heat. Like a match. That should solve your
problems.
-Garth Marlin
Just kill me. Kill me now!
-Mary Hodges (we haven't seen her around recently...)
Doesn't matter. If it doesn't end up with me owning all your worldly
posessions, it just ain't right.
-Alloni Kramer
Cheap, abundant hydrogen gas in the comfort of your own home! Yes, you
too can pretend you're on the Hindenburg! Oh, the humanity!
-Chris Wayne
Well, let's see:
de'rive (verb)
1. To obtain or receive from a source.
You say in a later post that this item was crossed off. Clearly, this
refers to your birth/adoption/kidnapping. You have already been
obtained or received. Not too sinister.
2. To arrive at by reasoning; deduce or infer: derive a
conclusion from facts.
Your mother seeks to understand you. Perfectly reasonable.
3. To trace the origin or development of (a word).
Your mother isn't sure where you came from. See 1 and 2.
4. (Chemistry) To produce or obtain (a compound) from
another substance by chemical reaction.
Get out of the house. NOW.
-Chris Wayne
Just because I'm the main force behind a federal bill to rename The
Holiest Of Christian Holidays to "Consumermas" doesn't mean that I
don't believe in it. Quite the opposite! For the right pre-negotiated
sum, paid up front entirely in unmarked bills of small denomination, I
can believe in anything. ANYTHING. And isn't that the REAL spirit of
christmas? Besides, what better way to celebrate two millenia of
catholic tradition than sex for material goods? Call me a
traditionalist. Hell, I say we celebrate easter by looting and
torching alloni's apartment!
-Nathan Winant
But if you have almost no sense of smell, how can you enjoy the aroma
of singed human flesh? It's very sad to miss out on the pleasures of
life like that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have faith in you. I have absolute faith in you. I have absolute
faith that you'd make some kind of fruity attempt to hit on my
romantic interest, more than likely right in front of me, and I'd
have to publicly crucify you. Literally. I'd literally have to stake
you to a tree or a telephone pole or something, jab you in the gut a
couple of times to get the blood flowing, and leave you to stray dogs,
little children, and the elements. ... And then what happens? That's
right: then *I* become the bad guy, and it makes it *that* much harder
for me to get a date with her.
-Nathan Winant
I see signs and wonders. I see the three-eyed unicorn of peace
meeting the black goat of joy in furious battle. I see a giant rose
encircling the globe, turning black, and falling in the ocean. I the
the horned grapefruit of Neveryet eating the pungent stench of the
puma. I see myself not making any sense. I see myself abandoning
this train of thought, due to a lack of interest in thinking up more
portents. Seconds? I second the motion. Vote? Aye! Opposed?
Neigh. Motion passes.
-Alloni Kramer
I thikn I took that analogy too far. You are all now offended. You
are all now disgusted. You will all now KNEEL BEFORE ME OR DIE!
Sorry. Those demonic tendancies pop up again. I'll have them
exorcised before next time, I promise. This time I'll just try to
keep them off the furniture. They make nasty pawprints, don't they.
It's the ichor, I think. Hard to remove ichor.
-Alloni Kramer
I had a dream the other day that I went to South America with Elian
Gonzalez and he turned into Joaquin Phoenix and we fell in love but it
was doomed. Or something like that.
-Mary Hodges
I passed a motion the other day. It was painful. Very.
-Mary Hodges
"The holidays aren't just about giving gifts... they're about food,
too!"
-Nathan Winant
Do not fear the light, Jennifer.
-Nathan Winant
Oo! Better yet! Gift certificates! The perfect "I swear to God I was
thinking of you but not very hard cause I'm just soooooo busy"
Christmas gift.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm good at being devious. It's like being deviant-- it all just comes
naturally. Well, come on! I am a *girl* for crying out loud.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wow. No one's ever called me "rugged" before.
-Alloni Kramer
Ah well. I'll always have alloni.
After you threatened to crucify me? It'll take more than flowers to
buy your way out of that one, bucko.
-Nathan 'n Alloni
I hereby apoloogize for any posts i write tonight. I'm
self-medicating.
-Chris Wayne
You're obviously not cooking it right. Most human flesh requires slow-
cooking, like in a crockpot. It's much too tough otherwise. I
recommend a pineapple juice, red wine, and rosemary marinade. mmm,
that's good eatin'.
-Chris Wayne
Damn. And I was so hoping that Nathan would tenderly cup my buttocks.
-Chris Wayne
Seducing the Queen of the Universe has its advantages.
-Chris Wayne
You need more fiber. Eat a tree.
-Chris Wayne
Okay, I'm sorry, but if you act like a paranoid freak when you're in
public, people -WILL- stare at you. And then, by definition, you're
not paranoid. Apparently pointing out common sense is verboten. Who
knew?
-Chris Wayne
Once again, hackers save the internet. Hug a hacker today.
-Jonathan Mayer
All I want to do in life is please you.
-Mary Hodges (you heard it here first, folks)
Mmmmmmm....."pizza and pornography"
-Mary Hodges
the real world doesn't exist... never has.
-Jason
Wow. Now you're just j. I didn't *mean* to use your paranoia against
you. You can be jm. if you want. sniffle. This is all my fault [insert
fake sobbing here]. I'm so sor-r-r-r-r-r-reeeeheeeheeeee.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Frankly, I don't think the ex-SSPO is particularly rugged, but I can
see how someone might mistake him for a really wimpy lumberjack who's
hiding women's underwear under his plaid. But he is pretty hairy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And then I go, "Wait a minute! According to independant nation-wide
survey, I KNOW THE GREATEST DJ ON EARTH." But Fatboy Slim won't return
my calls anymore, not after that stunt I pulled in Prague. So then I
go, "Wait a minute! I KNOW FUNKY J!"
-Nathan Winant
I open my eyes, look over at the clock, notice that it's 10:15. Roll
out of bed in a stupor, throw on some clothes, grab my keys and my
palm pilot, slip my palm pilot in my back pocket. Stop for a moment,
pull out my palm pilot and say to myself, "Heh. *That's* not your
wallet." Then I hear, in the back of my head, "Not yet. Not...
yet......" So I am now being visited by the schizophrenic ghost of
mobile & embedded future. Great. Just fuckin' great.
-Nathan Winant
If you love Del Taco, let it go.
-Nathan Winant
My kingdom for an IHOP! Better yet, Mary's kingdom for an IHOP!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Like the ancient Romans. I like many things like the ancient Romans.
(And swiftly the conversation heads back to homosexuality and
pedophilia.)
-Alloni Kramer
"Look ma, I have a tattoo on my arm with the kanji for
'miscellaneous'"
-Josh Smith
I, funkyj, holiest of holey orifaces, thus predict, now that Bush is
El Presidente -
1) Internet will become VERY restrcited
2) War if Middle East
3) Drug scandal
-FunkyJ (how we doing?)
Realistically, now the bush is president, with cheney as his vp, and
powell as secretary of state... how long do you really think canada
will REMAIN an sovereign nation?
-Nathan Winant
Prehensile tail phone? For masturbation?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (don't ask. just don't ask.)
Fire goes poorly with my drug of choice. It definitely makes it much
less relaxing, what with the running around and screaming and all.
-Chris Wayne
I'll give you a nickel. A nice wooden one. Ooh, shiny! Well, not
really. But a majestic redwood died just for you! OK, not so much just
for you. And it was more driftwood than redwood. uh.... um.... ooh,
splintery!
-Chris Wayne
piss on him. that's the best way to claim your territory. if you
don't, I will, then he'll be mine, ALL MINE!!!
-Funky J
I pissed myself once, does that mean I'm my own bitch?
-Jason
I shudder to think of how one would hang up a monkey-phone.
-Chris Wayne
I've got to get to the USA before Canada blows it up...
-Funky J
How boring. What's the point of being full-fledged if you don't use
your super-hero powers, Harry Gruberman?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's just raining women up here!
-Mary Hodges
Fire ants could invade your colon. Or your skin could get peeled off.
Or every single person you have ever met could be ripped apart by
rabid wild animals, their pathetic final screams ringing in your ears
for the rest of your life. Or George W. Bush could be the president.
This message of inspiration is brought to you by the Chrurch of Jesus
Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Mormons!
-Chris Wayne
I'll do the quotes sometime. Honestly.
-Alloni Kramer (hahahahAHAHAHAHAHA... ha... um, wait.)
Razer Poontang 1000!!!
-Nathan Winant
Computers understand binary numbers, right? Jan 1st, 2000 will look
like 01-01-01 to a computer.. AND IT WILL FREAK OUT!! Wait, 01-01-00
was binary... fuck. Resume your normal lives.
-Jason
Oh my god! Dude, the computers are reading those binary numbers,
like... RIGHT NOW!!! Quick! Someone write "klaatu barada nicto" in
binary and mail it to abducted, QUICK!!! I'll try to buy us some time
by confusing them!!!
1110101110110110111110110111011011101101101101011010110101010101010101
011, motherfuckers!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
I think I remember Nathan waxing poetic about the sensualness of his
mouse.
-Mary Hodges
It's all about height. It's a not-terribly-well-hidden attempt to see
if you are insecure about your height. Only insecure people would
answer "short". People who feel inadequate. In many areas. Napoleon
was short, and look what happened to him. So was Julia Child, for
that matter. Very short. So many people miss the point of this
question. They think it has something to do with personal taste, or
self-description, or something. Nope. They "come up short", so to
speak. Short. They're all short. Damnable short people.
Surrounding me. I'm surrounded by legions of the loathsome short.
Like insects. Swarms. They're all so short. Short. Short.
Shortshortshortshortshort ALL RIGHT I ADMIT IT I'M NOT TALL! I'M
SORRY, MOMMY! I'M NOT TALL! NOT THE RACK AGAIN, MOMMY! NO! I
PROMISE I'LL GROW TALL, MOMMY! I PROMISE! Gasp. Gasp. Gasp.
-Alloni Kramer
How can we better serve you in the future?
___ On your knees, slime.
___ On your knees, slave.
___ Well, I don't know, but I have to admit, I am partial to
the whole "knees" thing.
-Alloni Kramer
Maybe it's just me, but the words "meteor" and "surprise" in the same
sentence make me just a little nervous. Particularly on the winter
solstice, the last winter solstice on the millennium. And then a solar
eclipe on Christmas too, the first (and last?) one ever. Good thing I
kept paying the premiums on my Armageddon insurance.
-Chris Wayne
I have such a good monkey. Have I mentioned how good my monkey is?
He's a naughty monkey when it's good to be a naughty monkey and he's a
good monkey when it's good to be a good monkey. Monkeys are good.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (raising the monkey count)
Dear god, I sound like Josh. I must wash now.
-Chris Wayne
All the crazy people live in Toronto, apparently.
-Terri C. Sheep
all I got for christmas was a cold... I hate christmas.
-Funky J
Wow. I'm touched. Really. And not even in my special area. OK, well,
maybe a bit....
-Chris Wayne
You have no idea how much that would bother him. And, after all, it is
my job to bother him when we're not having sex, thus encouraging sex.
It's a cunning plan, I know. I know.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Basically, my family is insane. You only think I'm insane because you
don't know my family. My family is insane.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (fear)
fsckin cracker.
-Khanh Nguyen
Damn gooks, all the same. Wait... no. You live in tx.tx.tx. No
matter what you look like, as a Texan, you must be referred to as a
"damn redneck" in all legal correspondance. Hold on. Damn rednecks,
all the same.
-Alloni Kramer (about khanh)
My sex life does not depend on Alloni for irritation and may proceed
without calling him before every time I have sex with jm.jm.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (signed and witnessed)
So here I am, talking with AllonI (that jew bastard) and Bill Gates
about how Bill should redesign Windows for people in Australia... You
know, dumb it down for them, when AllonI brings up lesbian sex for no
reason. I jump in with a story about that time Bea Arthur, Pauly
Shore, Jennifer Lakin and myself made a porno in Canada. (Yeah,
Canadians love that shit) When Bill tells us about how he got probed
by an alien fetus, I said "Bill, your a God fearing Christian
whackjob, how can you believe in alien fetuses?" he replied with "I'm
not Bill Gates, I'm Chris Wayne"
-Jason (trying to get himself quoted. it won't work, i tell you!)
I find the phrase, "Hold on, I need to call Alloni before we can have
sex," to be highly amusing.
-Alloni Kramer
Your wish has been granted. But be sure to be back before midnight,
or the alien spacecraft will turn back into a pumpkin!
-Alloni Kramer
Mmmmmmmm....spreading the Alloni around.
-Mary Hodges
You think that's bad??? MY grandmother told me on Christmas day that
I should hurry up and "catch" my cousin before I go home. ACK!!! He
and I are the last unmarried granchildren but that doesn't mean we
should marry EACH OTHER!!!
-Mary Hodges
That does it. I'm gonna go wage me a one man guerilla war against
pacific bell internet services. I shall leave no fiber uncut. If I
can't have the internet, nobody can. Dammit, doesn't Pacbell
understand, I MUST HAVE PORN!!!
-Jonathan Mayer
The local religious channel has a show called "Pet Playhouse" (it's
syndicated -- if a station near you gets it, watch it at least once).
The host is a pedophile, I'm certain of it. The kids were very
uncomfortable around him, particularly the girls, whom he insisted on
kissing on the lips. One little girl looked to be on the verge of
tears when he had his arm around her. He just had this wierd gleam in
his eye when he was around the little girls. Very, very disturbing.
-Chris Wayne
I was just recently trying to explain to my bi-polar hypochondriac
that it is in fact possible to bleed to death. He just didn't believe
it could happen. He thought the blood would just keep coming forever
until you put a band-aid on it, which, of course, would stop it
instantly like a little Dutch boy. I felt it was important to convince
him before he decided to prove me wrong. Not sure if I did.
-Chris Wayne
I just got a cryptic reply to a quoted message involving long quests
and shiny wooden nickles...
-Trevor Walton
I saw a commercial for it the other day that said it had the "best
special effects since The Phantom Menace". Not sure what's worse: that
they actually believe that or that it may possibly be true.
-Chris Wayne (about d&d)
Why not just have an Abducted Convergence? So we can all be in one
place. Neatly concentrated. Possibly in a camp of some sort. Now
wouldn't that be nice? Nothing more relaxing than a communal shower.
-Chris Wayne
Anything of critical mass kills, regardless of how many feet it falls
towards the ground. We're talking _critical_mass_ here people.
Critical mass = critical injuries. And critical injuries land you a
spot on Abducted General Hospital(®), and once *that* happens,
there's a brief appearance by our funny bumbling psychiatric
nurse/elder god Chris Wayne the Unthinkable the Umpteenth, and after
that the episode always ends abruptly before scheduled and a video
comes on of flowery fields with a soundtrack by Yanni until, near the
end of the hour, the credits start. I never understand those episodes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Apparently one of the major benefits of IPv6 is dancing turtles.
-Chris Wayne
We always crucify the ones we love.
-Chris Wayne (i miss him)
I'm a flow chart.
-Garth Marlin
"If you love someone, hang them up by nails through their hands. If
they don't come back to you, they were never really yours to begin
with."
-Alloni Kramer
Last night I realized that when I laughed I sounded like Snidely
Whiplash. I bought the expensive meds. I took it about an hour ago
after not taking it for a month. I no longer laugh like Snidely
Whiplash. I think that should be justification enough for the
insurance company to pay for it, don't you?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
**if** "psychic warrior" is true, it means a university is developing
the technological means to replicate a naturally occuring human
capacity using, instead of simple self-hypnosis, expensive plastics
and minerals whose refinement and manufacture indirectly contributes
to the death of the planet's wildlife. how crazy is that?
-Gibo
That's precisely why people become necrophiles. No whining.
-Chris Wayne
I love you, Mr. Cwayne! If I had a rat's ass, I'd give it to you.
-Mary Hodges
You people need to stop talking about dead sex.
-Mary Hodges
Not after the mass execu.... uh, I mean, um, birthday parties! Yes,
mass birthday parties! Won't that be fun? Let them eat cake. They
deserve a last meal... um, a last meal before dessert! Just desserts.
-Chris Wayne
So basically you're asking if the ends justify the means. Suppose that
Bill Gates modifies a perfectly normal kitten-ripping machine to power
an enormous particle accelerator which will open a portal to hell, so
that his Dark Master (bater) can come to earth and bring about an
eternity of death, pain, and madness. However, as he's loading it with
kittens, an undocumented feature (not a bug) causes a rift in
spacetime which draws the entire human population of France into a
nebulous limbo between worlds and forever seals the portal to hell
with their pastry-laden screams. So is this good or evil? The answer,
I think, is quite clearly a resounding YES.
-Chris Wayne
Was quietly proud of the handle for a few moments.
-Alloni Kramer (by request)
Except when you consider just how significant worms are to the
ecosystem, churning and aerating the soil and aiding in the
decomposition process of organic material to return its nutrients back
to the soil and thus begin the circle of life anew. Not so
insigificant now, are we?
-Chris Wayne
Yes, nothing is more healthy than some deep, all-consuming shame.
-Chris Wayne
You will all now KNEEL BEFORE ME OR DIE!
No, that'd be rude. I'll kneel after you, I insist.
-Alloni 'n Chris
Not according to my bi-polar hypochondriac, he of the everlasting
bloodflow. (Speakin' o' which, saw Dracula 2000. Will see again. More
detail later.) When the sun went down today, he was convinced it
wasn't coming back. I think he's actually run out of things to worry
about. He's actually moved on to global and cosmic catastrophes.
-Chris Wayne
mmmm, monkey earwax....
-Chris Wayne
Yay! The stripes came out in the shower. I am also pleased to note
that my left nipple is no longer dyed.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
what?!?! everybody I know is named Giles. the president is Giles Bush;
he stole the election from the real winner, Al Giles. I heard it on
NPR while listening to Cokie Giles. yr crazy man. you must be making
some strange inverted joke abt yr own bizarre name. I've never met a
Jason, heard of a Jason, or even witnessed a Jason in progress.
-Gibo
aw, that's a shame. Nothing's sexier than a bright red nipple. But
just one. Only sick twisted freaks have two red nipples. (....my
secret shame....sigh....)
-Chris Wayne
Because I'm a bi-polar bear.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Discolored nipples was a storyline on CSI last Friday night. Some
nonsense about scopalimine. She rolled the trick using knock-out drops
on her breasts. Of course, the drug was also absorbed through her
aureole, which led to her demise
-Baabaa
I figure it increases my chances of receiving oral sex and I am
definitely pro-receiving-oral-sex.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
my new year's resolution... 1280 x 1024
-Jason
Official Abducted Death Cult: (Alloni Kramer)
The problem is that every idea I come up with has a direct parallel to
an idea I've scribbled before. At this rate, I won't even talk for
fear that I'm being unoriginal. The easy solution - kill you all and
get a new crop of people on this list who haven't heard me rant - is
made less easy by the fact that I don't have the money to travel to
Dallas, much less Australia. Maybe I can borrow money. Maybe I can
borrow money from you. Care to contribute to the Kill You All fund?
I'll even set up a list of prizes for high contributors. Highest
contributor will be killed first, or last, depending on their
preferance. It'll be just like PBS. (Yes, of course PBS kills off
their contributors. Why do you think they need to keep running those
Pledge Breaks? New blood. So to speak.) $50 will get you a small
sample of untraceable poison, $100 will be a small, functional letter
bomb, $200 will get you a beautiful handcrafted silver knife between
the shoulderblades, and $300 will actually fly you out here to meet me
to be killed here, so you get a bit of travel.
Oh, I may have to name it something other than the Kill You All fund,
to delude you gullible fools into thinking it's not for me to have the
money necessary to kill you all. It'll be, um, the Borgia fund. For
underprivileged orphans. You all have children, right? So if I kill
you, they'll be orphans, thus fulfilling the purposes of the fund.
No, there's the spouses. I couldn't kill them all too, they're not on
this list, it'd be murder. Maybe we can set up a concurrent
recruitment drive, so you all could get your spouses involved here.
No, wait, most of you don't have children. Never will, if I do this
right. Or... maybe not. What with the whole human genome being
mapped, and cloning, and so forth... I'll take cell samples from each
of you, grow your clones in vats, raise you as closely as possible to
your original growth patterns, and then resubscribe you all to this
list, without having read all my plans and thoughts before!
Brilliant! And since your "parent" will be long dead by then, you'll
be orphans, and the Borgia fund's plans will be a success, and people
will flock to my banner, and I can kill them all off too and raise
their replacements, and if I raise them right I can early induct them
with the principles of unending obedience to my will, and conquer the
world that way! Genius! I get a new forum for my old thoughts, _and_
the world becomes mine to toy with! Life is good!
So, who wants to contribute? I'll work up a more complete list of
prizes if you want to know exactly what you'll be getting at each
level, if anyone really cares.
And Mary will be told exactly what the fund is for, so she'll be happy
to contribute. But only Mary, because the rest of you sheep don't
want to die. I assume. If you really do want to die, tell me now,
and I'll tell you the real purposes of the fund.
Outside of that, not much. And yourself?
Official Abducted Schedule: (Nathan Winant)
07:15: roll out of bed, stare blankly at wall.
07:20: realize that, due to ice storm, office won't open until at
least noon. throw on bathrobe.
07:21: wander around apartment complex, marvelling at the pristine
beauty of my wintery savior.
07:30: watch news for a few minute, marvel at how the entire city of
austin has practically shut down. marvel at how the nearby town of
Roundrock has *literally* shut down.
07:35: return to sleep.
11:00: arise, refreshed.
11:05: call in to office, learn that it is closed for the day.
11:06: take another walk, savoring the frigid air.
11:20: fix tasty tv dinner for breakfast. discover that city of
austin, in leiu of work, is using my isp.
11:30: put on some music, enjoy tasty Cherry Coke, read.
14:00: run a couple of errands, browse local vintage shop.
15:00: return home to enjoy a tasty cheeseburger. discover that the
city of austin continues to monopolize my isp.
15:30: head to local cafe to read, enjoy coffee.
18:00: head to scrutable systems to enjoy refreshing fruit beverage,
listen to funky beats, install various java-related utilities.
PROJECTED:
21:00-22:00: leave to enjoy tasty meal of bbq. indulge in delicious
cup of coffee, possibly a donut.
23:30: return home to listen to tasty tunes, perform basic i /o
operations (read/write /dev/funk).
01:00-02:00: put on trance music, blindfold self, stare into inky
black void until sleep takes hold.
Official Abducted Reminder That Bush Is President: (sent in by Jonathan Mayer)
A LAYMAN'S GUIDE TO THE SUPREME COURT DECISION IN BUSH V. GORE
by Mark H. Levine, Attorney at Law.
Q I'm not a lawyer and I don't understand the recent Supreme Court
decision in Bush v. Gore. Can you explain it to me?
A Sure. I'm a lawyer. I read it. It says Bush wins, even if Gore
got the most votes.
Q But wait a second. The US Supreme Court has to give a reason,
right?
A Right.
Q So Bush wins because hand-counts are illegal?
A Oh no. Six of the justices (two-thirds majority) believed the
hand-counts were legal and should be done.
Q Oh. So the justices did not believe that the hand-counts would
find any legal ballots?
A. Nope. The five conservative justices clearly held (and all nine
justices agreed) "that punch card balloting machines can produce an
unfortunate number of ballots which are not punched in a clean,
complete way by the voter." So there are legal votes that should be
counted but can't be.
Q Oh. Does this have something to do with states' rights? Don't
conservatives love that?
A Generally yes. These five justices, in the past few years, have
held that the federal government has no business telling a sovereign
state university it can't steal trade secrets just because such
stealing is prohibited by law. Nor does the federal government have
any business telling a state that it should bar guns in schools. Nor
can the federal government use the equal protection clause to force
states to take measures to stop violence against women.
Q Is there an exception in this case?
A Yes, the Gore exception. States have no rights to have their own
state elections when it can result in Gore being elected President.
This decision is limited to only this situation.
Q C'mon. The Supremes didn't really say that. You're exaggerating.
A Nope. They held "Our consideration is limited to the present
circumstances, or the problem of equal protection in election
processes generally presents many complexities."
Q What complexities?
A They don't say.
Q I'll bet I know the reason. I heard Jim Baker say this. The votes
can't be counted because the Florida Supreme Court "changed the rules
of the election after it was held." Right?
A. Dead wrong. The US Supreme Court made clear that the Florida
Supreme Court did not change the rules of the election.
But the US Supreme Court found the failure of the Florida Court to
change the rules was wrong.
Q Huh?
A The Legislature declared that the only legal standard for counting
vote is "clear intent of the voter." The Florida Court was condemned
for not adopting a clearer standard.
Q I thought the Florida Court was not allowed to change the
Legislature's law after the election.
A Right.
Q So what's the problem?
A They should have. The US Supreme Court said the Florida Supreme
Court should have "adopt[ed] adequate statewide standards for
determining what is a legal vote"
Q I thought only the Legislature could "adopt" new law.
A Right.
Q So if the Court had adopted new standards, I thought it would have
been overturned.
A Right. You're catching on.
Q If the Court had adopted new standards, it would have been
overturned for changing the rules. And if it didn't, it's overturned
for not changing the rules. That means that no matter what the
Florida Supreme Court did, legal votes could never be counted.
A Right. Next question.
Q Wait, wait. I thought the problem was "equal protection," that
some counties counted votes differently from others.
Isn't that a problem?
A It sure is. Across the nation, we vote in a hodgepodge of systems.
Some, like the optical-scanners in largely Republican-leaning counties
record 99.7% of the votes. Some, like the punchcard systems in
largely Democratic-leaning counties record only 97% of the votes. So
approximately 3% of Democratic votes are thrown in the trash can.
Q Aha! That's a severe equal-protection problem!!!
A No it's not. The Supreme Court wasn't worried about the 3% of
Democratic ballots thrown in the trashcan in Florida. That
"complexity" was not a problem.
Q Was it the butterfly ballots that violated Florida law and tricked
more than 20,000 Democrats to vote for Buchanan or Gore and Buchanan.
A Nope. The Supreme Court has no problem believing that Buchanan got
his highest, best support in a precinct consisting of a Jewish old age
home with Holocaust survivors, who apparently have changed their mind
about Hitler.
Q Yikes. So what was the serious equal protection problem?
A The problem was neither the butterfly ballot nor the 3% of
Democrats (largely African-American) disenfranchised. The problem is
that somewhat less than .005% of the ballots may have been determined
under slightly different standards because judges sworn to uphold the
law and doing their best to accomplish the legislative mandate of
"clear intent of the voter" may have a slightly different opinion
about the voter's intent.
Q Hmmm. OK, so if those votes are thrown out, you can still count
the votes where everyone agrees the voter's intent is clear?
A Nope.
Q Why not?
A No time.
Q No time to count legal votes where everyone, even Republicans,
agree the intent is clear? Why not?
A Because December 12 was yesterday.
Q Is December 12 a deadline for counting votes?
A No. January 6 is the deadline. In 1960, Hawaii's votes weren't
counted until January 4.
Q So why is December 12 important?
A December 12 is a deadline by which Congress can't challenge the
results.
Q What does the Congressional role have to do with the Supreme Court?
A Nothing.
Q But I thought ---
A The Florida Supreme Court had earlier held it would like to
complete its work by December 12 to make things easier for Congress.
The United States Supreme Court is trying to help the Florida Supreme
Court out by forcing the Florida court to abide by a deadline that
everyone agrees is not binding.
Q But I thought the Florida Court was going to just barely have the
votes counted by December 12.
A They would have made it, but the five conservative justices stopped
the recount last Saturday.
Q Why?
A Justice Scalia said some of the counts may not be legal.
Q So why not separate the votes into piles, indentations for Gore,
hanging chads for Bush, votes that everyone agrees went to one
candidate or the other so that we know exactly how Florida voted
before determining who won? Then, if some ballots (say, indentations)
have to be thrown out, the American people will know right away who
won Florida.
A. Great idea! The US Supreme Court rejected it. They held that
such counts would likely to produce election results showing Gore won
and Gore's winning would cause "public acceptance" and that would
"cast[] a cloud" over Bush's "legitimacy" that would harm "democratic
stability."
Q In other words, if America knows the truth that Gore won, they
won't accept the US Supreme Court overturning Gore's victory?
A Yes.
Q Is that a legal reason to stop recounts? or a political one?
A Let's just say in all of American history and all of American law,
this reason has no basis in law. But that doesn't stop the five
conservatives from creating new law out of thin air.
Q Aren't these conservative justices against judicial activism?
A Yes, when liberal judges are perceived to have done it.
Q Well, if the December 12 deadline is not binding, why not count the
votes?
A The US Supreme Court, after admitting the December 12 deadline is
not binding, set December 12 as a binding deadline at 10 p.m. on
December 12.
Q Didn't the US Supreme Court condemn the Florida Supreme Court for
arbitrarily setting a deadline?
A Yes.
Q But, but --
A Not to worry. The US Supreme Court does not have to follow laws it
sets for other courts.
Q So who caused Florida to miss the December 12 deadline?
A The Bush lawyers who first went to court to stop the recount, the
mob in Miami that got paid Florida vacations for intimidating
officials, and the US Supreme Court for stopping the recount.
Q So who is punished for this behavior?
A Gore, of course.
Q Tell me this Florida's laws are unconstitutional, right?
A Yes
Q And the laws of 50 states that allow votes to be cast or counted
differently are unconstitutional?
A Yes. And 33 of those states have the "clear intent of the voter"
standard that the US Supreme Court found was illegal in Florida.
Q Then why aren't the results of 33 states thrown out?
A Um. Because...um.....the Supreme Court doesn't say...
Q But if Florida's certification includes counts expressly declared
by the US Supreme Court to be unconstitutional, we don't know who
really won the election there, right?
A Right. Though a careful analysis by the Miami Herald shows Gore
won Florida by about 20,000 votes (excluding the butterfly ballot
errors).
Q So, what do we do, have a re-vote? Throw out the entire state?
Count all ballots under a single uniform standard?
A No. We just don't count the votes that favor Gore.
Q That's completely bizarre! That sounds like rank political
favoritism! Did the justices have any financial interest in the case?
A Scalia's two sons are both lawyers working for Bush. Thomas's wife
is collecting applications for people who want to work in the Bush
administration.
Q Why didn't they recuse themselves?
A If either had recused himself, the vote would be 4-4, and the
Florida Supreme Court decision allowing recounts would have been
affirmed.
Q I can't believe the justices acted in such a blatantly political
way.
A Read the opinions for yourself
http//frwebgate.access.gpo.gov/supremecourt/00-949_dec12.fdf (December
9 stay stopping the recount), and
http//www.supremecourtus.gov/opinions/00pdf/00-949.pdf (December 12
final opinion)
Q So what are the consequences of this?
A The guy who got the most votes in the US and in Florida and under
our Constitution (Al Gore) will lose to America's second choice who
won the all important 5-4 Supreme Court vote.
Q I thought in a democracy, the guy with the most votes wins.
A True, in a democracy. But America is not a democracy. In America,
in the year 2000, the guy with the most US Supreme Court votes wins.
Q Is there any way to stop the Supreme Court from doing this again?
A YES. No federal judge can be confirmed without a vote in the
Senate. It takes 60 votes to break a filibuster. If only 41 of the 50
Democratic Senators stand up to Bush and his Supremes and say that
they will not approve a single judge appointed by him until a
President can be democratically elected in 2004, the judicial reign of
terror can end... and one day we can hope to return to the rule of
law.
Q What do I do now?
A E-mail this to everyone you know, and write or call your senator,
reminding him that Gore beat Bush by several hundred thousand votes
(three times Kennedy's margin over Nixon) and that you believe that
VOTERS rather than JUDGES should determine who wins an election by
counting every vote. And to protect our judiciary from overturning the
will of the people, you want them to confirm NO NEW JUDGES until 2004
when a president is finally chosen by most of the American people.
Official Abducted Canadian Anthem: (Chris Wayne)
Our Country reeks of trees,
Our yaks are really large,
And they smell like rotting beef carcasses.
And we have to clean up after them,
And our saddle sores are the best.
We proudly wear women's clothing
And searing sand blows up our skirts.
And the buzzards, they soar overhead,
And poisonous snakes will devour us whole.
Our bones will bleach in the sun.
And we will probably go to !#%@,
And that is our great reward,
For being the the-uh roy-oy-yal
Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!
|