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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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Brain weasel. They like to burrow. I suggest you try to smoke it out.
I'll just do some preventative smoking just in case ones lurking
about.
-Chris 'n Garth
I am of the opinion that no amount of pleasure is too much for jll.
-Khanh Nguyen
Of course, passing out can be dangerous, but getting there would be so
much fun. somebody ship me an orgasmatron.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'd like to volunteer for the position of "Jenn's personal Choda-boy"
-Khanh Nguyen
NAW. ME STILL LET YOU BE MAH CHODA-BOY.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
silent night. holy night.
all is calm. all is smite.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm tired, it's a long morning, let's just pretend we had an arguement
and I won. Okay?
-Alloni Kramer
I'm a bad naughty technophile and somebody should come over and spank
me for it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Maybe I should work harder to ingratiate myself here, so's I can couch
surf through various abductees' domiciles ;). Time to start kissin'
some ass! Or in Jennifer's case, spankin' some ass...
-Trevor Walton
yeah. libeertarians suck. even if they have beer in their name. oh
wait. I'm a libeertarian, ain't I?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
If I hadn't had my trusty cup of coffee to protect me, god knows what
would've happened.
-Kevin
As i recall, the story ended somewhat like the end of "Field of
Dreams". But instead, people were coming from all over to get in line
to spank you. I'm number 3452th.
-Kevin
Variety is, after all, the splice of strife.
-Khanh Nguyen
AllonI promised me April! You mean that I dressed up like a gerbil
for nothing? Well, it wasn't for nothing, that was a pretty fun
night... But damn it, I deserve that spot.
-Jason
Jennifer, never let it be said that you are not the soul of tact and
restraint.
-Nathan Winant
I like this idea... I also like the idea of lots of naked chicks
chasing me with feathers through a sunny field, so what I say might
not be worth the pixels it's recieved in...
-Funky J
Hey, Funky, what say we get together and pick up some ladies?
-Nathan Winant
Sorry, Jenn, but I've been lying to you all this time. You're not
always the centerfold. You just occupy the Official Spankin' Goddess
role every time.
-Alloni Kramer
The Persistance Of Elizabeth. What would be melting?
-Alloni Kramer
I'm more persistent than that. So there.
You're like my cough.
-Elizabeth 'n Jennifer
Work sucks when you have to work.
-Elizabeth Ross
"Fear my ThinkPad(tm) technology, meager mortals!"
-Nathan Winant
Two horny guys. A futile quest for female companionship. A new outfit.
Sounds like the plot for a gay porno.
-Chris Wayne
I am single once more.
The Nathan Clones have been defeated. Long live the One True Nathan!
-Nathan 'n Chris
It is a question that has plagued my tribe for many moons now: Are
there any racial slurs for Hawaiians?
-will.
A super king kamaya maya beyotch?
-Chris Wayne (what?)
I'm seeking a more oppressive environment with less pay. My current
employers just don't crush my soul and destroy my dreams enough.
-Chris Wayne
Elvis taught me how to fold origami mongeese. He also trained me in
jifiriku, the ancient art of wearing nothing but chunky peanut butter.
-Chris Wayne
I made jm. feel where my implant is.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I will see that you get eaten by a thousand screaming midgets for
this.
-Alloni Kramer
I was pondering the other day the recent
light-travelling-faster-than-light-and-thus-travelling-backwards-in-ti
me bit. And the thought that came to mind was, "Think of the transfer
speed you could get with something like that!" I'm so spoiled.
Utilizing the laws of the universe to get porn faster. Of course, by
that time, it wouldn't be porn, it'd be SimSex, with all the senses
fully engaged, and life in the outside world would suddenly cease to
be. The government would have to institute strict controls to make
certain we ate.
-Alloni Kramer
Ah, god bless Russia: the last great bastion of Mad Science.
-Nathan Winant
You left it in too long, it is on fire.
I've heard of venereal diseases, but, yowtch.
-Tweed 'n Garth
Frankly my dear, monkeys rock my world.
-Nathan Winant
If Roger Ebert hates it. It has to be good.
-Kevin
No. I need Jennifer's brain more than I've ever needed anything
before! ... actually, it sounds a lot more dramatic than it is. I
really just need Jennifer's brain more than I've ever needed
Jennifer's brain before.
-Nathan Winant
I must assume the people who used to post on this list but no longer
do so are dead. Drat.
-Jonathan Mayer
Of course we COULD assume that they have moved on to something better.
But what's better than abducted??
-Marhod
New abductees are continually being re-deployed once they have been
moulinexed and juice re-constituted. If you were missed on the last
pass, a gel-form can be arranged. There have been some problems with
cleaning the equipment, so sometimes identity disorders ensue because
of contamination.
-Tweed
MY GOD, PEOPLE CAN BE SO FEARFUL AND LIMITED!!!
-Nathan Winant
Note to self: Never watch TV and read e-mail at the same time.
-Marhod
Think of the legal issues. Depending how good your connection is, the
performers could be underaged by the time you're finished downloading.
"But Your Honor, how could I know the Gangbanging Granny is only
twelve?!"
-Chris Wayne
There's only one left. Whether or not he's a false Nathan is a moot
point. I for one don't particularly care if this Nathan doesn't bear
the special holographic Certificate of Authenticity or the stern and
fear-instilling "Please do not make illegal copies of this Nathan"
sticker.
-Chris Wayne
We must find this Stephenson and extract the real endings directly
from his cranial fluids.
-Jonathan Mayer
Everybody do the CC twitch!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Sex is a multifaceted gem. Only a handful of times in my life have I
attained that "sex zen" state where the sex just goes on, my brain is
off in some other happy place, and my body just keeps madly copulating
like a decapitated mantis.
-Jonathan Mayer
At least Metaware had a better sense of humor about the whole thing
("All bugs and defects in this software product are due to man's
inherent fallen nature.").
-Jonathan Mayer
But ... I am cute. Aren't I? *blink blink*
Very, he said reminiscantly.
-Jonathan 'n Alloni
OK, SO I CAN'T ORGASM!!!!! it's not like I don't try! My poor willie
is shredded... it looks like a sausage that's been in the hotdog
warmer too long... oh wait, you said OrgasMO... Nope.
-Funky J
Ribbed for her hysterectomy.
-Chris Wayne
I've got a serial crack for Nathan anyway.
Dude, you'd best stay away from my 'serial crack'. Seriously. I ain't
kidding.
-Khanh 'n Nathan
I like Natan much better than Nathan. There's got to be an advantage
to having a pallindromatic (pallindramatic, pallindramatopoedic??)
name. Nathan, you are now known as Natan. You will accept this name
gladly and get it changed legally. That is all.
-Khanh Nguyen
well, ask me questions of hub cap bras, of the sacred potato salad,
perhaps discuss with me the theory behind the PM machine created by
the union of a cat and buttered toast.
-LON
Are you going to dead on us?
-Tweed
nice try. where am i hiding. sheesh. that's the oldest trick in the
book.
No, the oldest trick in the book is, "Hey, sugar. Want some company
tonight?"
-LON 'n Alloni
... Since everyone here is more or less a paranoid psychotic, they'll
believe you, or at least shut up and act like they do. Either way,
mission accomplished.
-Nathan Winant
They just couldn't stop at monkeys, could they?
-Nathan Winant
Not necessary. Nathan comes complete with his crack already installed.
-Garth
That's UN-dead, you insensitive lout. I am offended and must now file
a class action suit against you, abducted and the entire internet for
allowing me to hear such politically incorrect slander. That's right,
I'm undead and American.
-Garth
OK, what's a slowging?
In a herd of ging's, it's the one that the cheetahs go after.
-Chris 'n Garth
Yeah? Well, I've got a loaded G-4 at work, Buddy. You'd better watch
it! I'll get all Firewire on your ass!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Cthulhu loves me. He told me so.
-Alloni Kramer
Lemke, are all Brazilian woman evil temptresses?
-Trevor Walton
I'm reading old abducted email! I'm reading some emails from people
who finish all their sentences with exclamation marks! And I was just
remembering how annoying that is! So I thought I would share the joy
with you! You know you want it!
-Alloni Kramer
"The virus may have reached New York last summer in a bird imported
from Israel." Oh yeah, NO zionist conspiracy HERE...
-Nathan Winant
... Here's a thought. You're pathetic and in australia. I'm pathetic
and in america. But abroad, we're... exotic. And those strange ticks
can be explained away as a cultural thing. So come over here, I'll
show you where the attractive and odd congregate. You can grab a few
ladies, and then we head off to australia. Or vice versa. I mean,
sure, only the foolish and deranged will fall for it, but hey... sex
is inherently insane.
-Nathan Winant
I don't want to be old.
-Khanh Nguyen
Jennifer, go back to the kitchen where you belong!
-Jason
Trying to get me to talk about sex toys?
Come now Jennifer, I wouldn't have to be clandestine about it. You
readily talk about your sex toys if asked =).
-Jennifer 'n Khanh
All Alloni's are liars. Alloni is not saying a lie...or the
truth...or something.
-Khanh Nguyen
It's bad enough that you can't be sure of someone's gender or age on
the internet. Now you can't even be sure of their species.
-Chris Wayne
Heh. Heh. Jennifer's gonna die, dude. Yeah, dude, she's gonna, like,
die. Hunh. Hunh. Hunhhuhuhuhhuhhuhhuhuhuhhuhhuhuhuh..........
-Nathan Winant
Clients suck the big green donkey dick stolen from Farmer Sensorita
and surgically attached to Richard Nixon posthumously.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I kiss the unknown.
-will.
Why do I love abducted? As I sit here talking to Jennifer, my mind
gently mulls over this question. And then I realize: Abducted is the
frat house of the mind.
-Nathan Winant
Now I'm off to wear a black turtleneck...
-Nathan Winant
I'm not lush. I'm *plush*.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (teddy bear)
Am I a girly man if I just want to buy Jennifer a beer and talk to
her?
-Terence P. Higgins
This Ween moment brought to you by Pampers. Pampers! We just really
like saying Pampers. Pampers!
-Alloni Kramer
Observe my demanding-ness and kneel to it! I spill Mountain Dew on
myself with much fervor and intensity!
-will.
I could just die, come back, and die again.
-Terence P. Higgins
I hereby slap you in the ass in the name of Nathan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Jennifer ...is wry and coquettish.
-Nathan Winant
My urges are calling again. Leave them alone. They don't bite.
Hard.
-Alloni Kramer
Ann is very excited that Nathan has a birthmark in the shape of
Australia.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Patrick Stewart's bald head becons you come!
-Khanh Nguyen
I will be free. Free.
Wow! I thought your sale price was pretty good, but this is a GREAT
DEAL!!!
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
How many of you would be amused by autophagic porn?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Finally.. ..they've found me. I must leave you all for a short time.
If anyone asks, you know nothing.
-will.
"Sir! We have exfoliated the enemy, SIR!"
-Nathan Winant
Apparently, side-effects are internal bleeding, tooth decay, rapid
eyesight, nose palpitations, ear hair loss, ass tremors, spontaneous
ingestion of Coca-Cola, and multiple personality disorder. Thanks A
Lot, Alloni. Love Jennifer And Rita And Chaniqua.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I wiped my ass with maple leaves. That's how I celebrate all holidays.
Thank God that Groundhog Day only comes once a year.
-Chris Wayne
There'll be pieces of me on the floor and a couple of guys poking at
them trying to figure out which one is the appendix from a badly
photocopied anatomy textbook from the 50s.
-Alloni Kramer
Procrastinus. That's my gladiator name.
-Chris Wayne
Coffee likes you. Coffee likes you... for breakfast!
-Chris Wayne
Up until around a minute ago I was pacing nudly around my apartment
muttering at top volume to meinself. (I'm lying. Sorta. I was
wearing a long shirt, socks, underwear and The Cane. Then I realized
I was going to be spending time writing you. So to make it the truth,
I removed the shirt and underwear. Kept the socks, though. My feet
get cold easy. Then I paced nudly around my apartment muttering at
top volume to meinself. This is art.)
-Alloni Kramer
You. You are my herd of drug-crazed nymphos. Come to me. I will
feed you of gelatin and soulwine.
-Alloni Kramer
NO ONE expects the obligatory Python reference!
-Chris Wayne
I have many small, shiny objects with which to decorate your nests.
-Chris Wayne
The oldest trick in the book has, unfortunately, been lost the ages,
as that page was ripped out by Napoleon, who felt it was degrading to
short people. Rumor has it that the trick involved a graven idol of
the mother goddess, a gilded box of gopherwood, 20 cobras, a Baghdad
battery jar, and a virgin sacrifice. By all accounts it was a pretty
crappy trick, and its removal from the book was likely the source of
Napoleon's popular appeal.
-Chris Wayne
Is "wes" a code word for speed? or hot sex?
-Funky J
I know the trick in the oldest book (both the koran and bible) was the
omission of the phrase: "All incidents and characters in this book are
fictious"
-Funky J (cynic)
It's just depressing when people feel the need to protect children by
CHANGING THE LYRICS TO CHILDREN'S RHYMES.
-Alloni Kramer
My version would naturally be more like:
"I know an old lady who swallowed a horse.
She died, and maggots riddled her corpse."
I figure it would teach younguns a valuable lesson about the food
chain. After all, if there's anything these anal yuppie parents today
like, it's educational children's songs.
-Josh Smith
I like the original version. Short. Sweet. To the point. Horse =
Death.
-Alloni Kramer
basic law of nature. if it's bigger than you, don't eat it.
-LON
God damn it, now I'll never get in the quotes for July!
-Funky J
Nuh-no, Josh is right.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! THE WORLD IS
COMING TO AN END!!!!!!!!!!!
-Khanh 'n Jennifer
to much thinking will destroy beer cells. then you'll end up sober in
some library somewhere.
-LON
Funny, I have been told almost the same thing. Investors are coming,
so put on those pants.
-Gark Sommer
You know what this world needs? Not just a car that runs on methae,
but a car that runs on methane and collects methane from the interior
of the car. That way, everytime someone farted, my fuel tank would
fill. Well, if it was a big fart.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
As were all the super models. "I'm the best there is at what I do, and
what I do is be pretty."
-Nathan Winant
... You realize what could happen? If they put out another couple of
x-men movies, and they're done similarly well, they could build a
whole audience for these flicks, along with a general production
standard. X-MEN COULD BE THE 007 OF OUR GENERATION!!!!! Call me a
dreamer.
-Nathan Winant
Nathan seemed totally surprised that someone looked disturbed after a
complete stranger walked up to him and said "Would you mind if I
tenderly caressed your buttocks in my hand?" or something like that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You know what else the world needs? A streaming bullshit generator.
Like a stock ticker, but with randomly generated bullshit instead of
stock info.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh, and for those of you who have upcoming stock decisions, I
recommend watching Orgazmo, drinking margaritas, and determing an
investment strategy on extremely little information.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hm, it sounds so much seedier when you put it that way: "Oh, I spent a
week in New Orleans lounging around with a woman predisposed towards
exceedingly casual evening wear."
-Nathan Winant
That's my problem: I'm jaded. I'm jaded towards life. Naked women are
sitting around giving free french tourist shows, and I'm debating
whether or not my drink is cold enough. I suppose it's pretty sad when
one's natural inclination is to consider roast beef and gravy
sandwiches as much bigger news.
-Nathan Winant
Oh, and the exact words were, "Excuse me sir, but there's no tactful
way to put this so I'll get right to the point: would you mind if I
were to gently cup your left buttock in my hand?"
-Nathan Winant
Rum is nourishment for the soul. Rum is thick sticky sweet medicine
for the spirit, the gift of brotherhood, the final salvation and only
hope for mankind. To partake of a glass is to heal; to share a bottle
with a man is to fortify an ancient and sacred pact. Rum is the
grandest, truest, solest social glue we have; without it we are doomed
to a savage social babylon worthy of cursing in the grandest of dark
ages. Rum is all. Rum and coke, on the other hand, is just a lot of
fun.
-Nathan Winant
Aside: While walking through the arcade with a mostly
non-Marvel-reading friend after seeing X-Men, we saw a Marvel
superheroes game and noticed Juggernaut was in it. I mentioned
Juggernaut was Xavier's step-brother, after having explained the
Rogue/Mystique connection earlier. And he said "Sounds like
everybody's related. No wonder they're all mutants."
-Chris Wayne
All gateways to the west are Texan.
All gateways to anywhere are Texan.
-Josh 'n Chris
Head Wack-Job: Welcome to PHP Anonymous, our newest person
to join us is HappyEvil.
Group: Hi, HappyEvil.
me: Hi all.
me: um... I've been using PHP for a good year now..
Group: <gasps>
-Jason
I also play violent video games and listen to Marilyn Manson.
I want to urinate on your driveway
I want to feed your goldfish while you sleep.
I want curse at your cat in a language he doesn't understand.
I want to sit on the opposite side of the street and stare at your
mailbox for hours and hours.
I want to make funny, but non-abrasive comments to and about your
house plants.
I want to prank call you, but leave gentle forest sounds on your
answering machine.
Fear Me.
-Jason
You know, sometimes I think "Gee, if I just hadn't given up the
computer to have a social life, I would be making a lot more money and
I wouldn't have dated as many evil people and I would have been
playing fun gameses lots longer. I'd probably be living somewhere that
doesn't want to kill me. My life would have been so much better." And
then occasionally, I thank GOD that I had the SENSE to ignore my geeky
tendencies for _just_a_few_years_. Thank you for confirming my
decision. I am much relieved to know that I really was right the first
time. Maybe not for the right reasons, but right nonetheless.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (she's dissing us! destroy her!)
Wow! Does heartless, back-stabbing condescension qualify as a mutant
power?
-Nathan Winant
NO airhead comments from the peanut gallery. I don't _care_ how
intelligent she is. I just want to stare at her boobies.
-Alloni Kramer (re: catherine zeta-jones)
Is it just me, or has the world been getting more and more
sciencefictiony recently?
-Alloni Kramer
Maybe we should retitle this thread "the MOST ANNOYING WAY on the
planet to club a perfectly harmless little joke to death like a BABY
SEAL."
-Nathan Winant
if you put me in the quotes, I'll give you all the compilation you
want!
-Funky J (need my compilation)
Do police cars hover and do backflips before mating? Warm updrafts?
Magic pixies? Wood sprites?
-Chris Wayne
For all your ranting about proving Magneto has magnetic powers, how
would you ever prove that Mystique ever committed any crime? "No, your
honor, it wasn't her. The Pope robbed me. I saw him clearly."
-Chris Wayne
Are you actually advocating slaughtering prisoners and even totally
innocent infants to save yourself from paying higher taxes? Josh, is
that you?
-Chris Wayne
Nobody's ever SEEN me switch on a light. They just see me flip the
switch, and see the light coming on (assuming something isn't broken,
or the switch doesn't belong to the garbage disposal, in which case
they'd hear a noise, accompanied with blood and bone fragments,
provided my arm was in the drain).
-Josh Smith
He obtained it at Sears. Along with a Craftsman electric hex wrench,
a Kenmore deluxe defibrillator, and a plush Teletubby (don't ask).
-Josh Smith
the one with the nicest brests will always win.
-Funky J
Not so fast, Kramerini! (kung fu sound effects) You are slow on the
keyboard like mutant tree sloth.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Statue of libel? "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free, then print lies about them with the intent
of damaging their reputations."
-Josh Smith
I missed Stan Lee again. Where the fuck was his cameo?
He was the emperor in the second of the three Roman orgy scenes.
-Josh 'n Chris
People suck. Even when they're good people.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
PLASMA SHALL BE OUR SALVATION!!!
-Nathan Winant
I don't care about alternate fuel right now; I have quotesses.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Nathan's hand, a complete stranger's buttock.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (odd picture)
Common sense has a very misleading name. Oxymoronic, in fact.
-Chris Wayne
Those disturbing plots don't last as long as they used to.
-Alloni Kramer
Someone put Jennifer in charge of Supreme Allied Command. The warrior
minions of the despot "other" will cower at her when she stands
proudly, screaming at them in her chain mail bra. Loser has to
perform oral sex, and do it very well.
-Tweed
You see, this is why I hate arguing with Jen. Sooner or later, I have
to agree with Josh. And then I just feel all dirty for days.
-Chris Wayne
Uhm, for the record I had had a bit to drink that evening. At a poetry
reading. In jennifer's company. And the guy in question was obviously
gay. So you can clearly see that my environment had conspired to
morally derail me! I'm innocent, I tell you! Innocent!
-Nathan Winant
Wow. I am totally excited. I think I'll go to the bathroom now. No,
not for that-- I have to pee.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Isn't it kinda stupid to EXPLAIN how to bring down the Web?
-Marhod
Show me your man file, Baybee.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I prefer "Get in the kitchen and make me some pie." I don't have much
success with the ladies.
-Josh Smith
Nathan, you ignorant slut. I just wanted to start a rational argument.
Of course, since I very rarely, if ever, read DC comics, I can't
effectively compare the relative merits and faults of each. Therefore,
I am forced to fall back upon petty name-calling, you smelly fellator
of monkeys.
-Chris Wayne
Yes, I'm sure the average person can describe a magnetron in great
detail.
-Chris Wayne
I'm not sure what's more disturbing: that the internet has numerous
vulnerabilities open to assault, or that it has feet.
-Chris Wayne
Let me see if I understand this. You got really drunk and felt the
irresistible urge to caress an obviously gay man's buttock, correct?
At least you were polite about it.
-Chris Wayne
Or perhaps it was my failed quest to find a wife: I have recently
decided that I might want to consider getting one. Yet over the course
of THE ENTIRE WEEK THAT I WAS IN THE STATE OF LOUISIANA, I did not
find a suitable woman. (No offense, Jen. I considered it, but... it
wouldn't be right.)
-Nathan Winant
Returning my gaze to the gentleman before me, whose surprise had
turned to the wicked indignation that only the truly deviant can
muster, the full danger of the situation finally dawned: This was not
just an indignant gay black man. This was an indignant gay black man
surrounded by half a dozen equally indignant asian girls. ... Have you
ever had your ass kicked by an asian girl?
-Nathan Winant
Nathan, according to Catholic teachings, no one is innocent. We are
born stained by Original Sin. Just a reminder.
-Alloni Kramer
This Kentucky Jelly sure don't taste as good as granny used to make
it.
-Josh Smith
That comes in a bottle.
So do I sometimes. Home cloning project, don't ask.
-Josh 'n Garth
All we need now is Josh to tell us how it's every mutants
constitutional right to blow up the statue of liberty without
interference from government.
No, not every mutant's right. Once it's been blown up by one mutant,
it's hard for another mutant to do it.
-Garth 'n Josh
You should've seen the way they glared at me! Oy, such a glare!
-Nathan Winant
... because that would almost certainly mean the starjammers. And I'm
sorry, but any astronaut who runs around dressed like errol fucking
flynn is a goddamn pansy, mutant powers or no. They've come so far,
garth. X-Men was finally presented to the public in such a way that
they could understand how cool it is. Do you really want to undo that
with flamboyant space pirates? Do you?
-Nathan Winant
Oh my god. You said something that made sense.
Now it's your turn.
-Jennifer 'n Garth (mrow! hsssst! hsssst!)
So you're looking for a wife, and in the course of that endeavor, you
wanted to touch a man's ass. And then get beaten to death by Asian
girls. Did I miss anything?
-Chris Wayne
What are the rules? And do I get to play naked?
-Jason
... Have you ever had your ass kicked by an asian girl?
Does my mother count?
-Nathan 'n Khanh
When you're ripping off improbable soap opera cliches -- AND FUCKING
THEM UP -- it's time to do something different.
-Nathan Winant
Don't make me go semiotic on yo white ass.
-Khanh Nguyen
hang on one second... who ever said the Internet was Achilles ? I
mean, Achilles was bascially invunerable... and anyone who uses the
net can see it's very vulnerable... if you go to your desktop, click
on Internet Explorer, and press "delete"... bye bye Internet!
-Funky J
Jesus. The most powerful mutant of all time.
-Chris Wayne
Then do you agree with Josh? Answer carefully.
-Chris Wayne
eww. you're probably like that gay guy on Survivors. eewww
-LON
I don't agree with Josh! Redemption!
-Khanh Nguyen
skrulls, kree, smurfs, orcs, whatever. a bunch of cannon-fodder
pansies whose sole racial superpower was the amazing ability to hide
spare change in their chins. And every fucking time you see them,
everyone gets so damned worried. "Oh no! It's The Evil Skrull
Empire(tm)! They're such an awesome expansionist menace that they've
never won a single goddamn campaign in recorded history -- we can't
let our guard down for a second! Uh oh, looks like their most
ambitious move to date -- they're going to try to capture that lone
saltine cracker, floating out there alone in the cold void of space,
thousands of light years from the nearest speck of space dust!
Quickly, we've got to team up with the Shi'ar, all three dozen X
teams, the fantastic four, the silver surfer, alf, barbie, and
whatever other titles we can possibly whore ourselves with!"
-Nathan Winant
I, for one, am glad they shut down Napster. The hydra's head has been
lopped off, and now we need only wait for nine new, stronger heads to
sprout up, each tormenting Lars Ulrich.
-Josh Smith
Die
No die. Eat banana.
Eat poisoned banana.
No poisoned banana. Eat good banana. Pretty banana. Yummy Banana.
-Jennifer 'n Jason 'n Jennifer 'n Jason
Thanks sweet-tits!
Aw, you noticed. They're real, you know.
Sorry, I don't buy it. Unless you've discovered anti-gravitons, ain't
no ones breaststs that perky.
-Khanh 'n Alloni 'n Khanh
Thanks a lot, now my head has imploded.
-Garth
For the love of everything horny, um.. holy.. Show us the pictures.
-Jason
I finally have an idea what jm.jm.the.space.monkey does at work
(besides play pool and draw body outlines on the white board-- hey,
that one was my idea). He sues Apple. OK, maybe not *personally* and
in fact, he actually has nothing to do with it, but damn it, he's been
hiding from us! So it must be all his fault, right guys? Aw, man.
Nobody ever listens to me....
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And in related news, Satan was found dead today. Autopsy results have
not been released, but preliminary evidence points to hypothermia.
-Josh Smith
"Is there a mirror in your colon? Because I can definitely see my
heart in there."
"How would you like to be my darkest lover?"
"Man-whore is my middle name."
-Random Pickup Lines from http://www.ontap.com/pickup/
Playing this game. Xenogears. CRPG. It's got mecha in it. Loooong
storyline. Neat game. Anyhow. There is, of course, the required
"cute semianimal buddy" who's all pink and has a bow and just
generally looks like a walking stuffed animal. Called ChuChu. Ick.
Doesn't use a mech - it grows to the size of a mecha, so you're
fighting with a _giant_ cute stuffed animal. Very ick. Well, anyhow,
I'm fairly late in the game, and there's a bit where we get defeated
(basically no matter what we do), and the enemy tells his forces to
crucify us. So a few moments pass... and there we are. Mecha, big as
life, nailed to crosses. And the camera pans... and there's ChuChu.
Huge pink stuffed animal. Nailed to a cross. I am a _happy_ Alloni.
-Alloni Kramer
That in mind, my carefully reasoned, logical response, is: your
mother smelts goats. (Smelts. It's a real word. It means "To melt
or fuse (ores) in order to separate the metallic constituents." Ha
HA! Feel my wrath!)
-Alloni Kramer
I've figured it out! The reason that for the whole infinite monkies /
infinite time thing is that given enough time, the monkies will evolve
into humans, build an elaborate civilization, and one of them would
eventually _become_ Shakespeare! It's so easy!
-Alloni Kramer
No need to apologize. I can retaliate in kind. I can be cold. I can
be cruel. Just watch: You... you... something. Um. Involving a
waiter. Yeah. A waiter and a pair of socks. No, an entire sock
drawer! Sock drawer, I say!
-Alloni Kramer
It's all right, Jenn. You can lust after my hot bod. I won't hold it
against you. I know no one can resist my charms.
-Alloni Kramer
Yours is a hard hard life. I just wish you had something hard hard for
me...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
MY BRAIN IS PEELING!!! MY BRAIN IS PEELING!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I am nothing if not succinct. In fact, I am currently composing my
fifteenth essay in a 37-volume manifesto on the sublime joys of
succinctitudenessity.
-Chris Wayne
Agreeing with Josh is a dangerous thing. Once or twice, sure, you feel
fine. You barely notice the change. By the time you do, it's far too
late. Before you know it, you're stockpiling beans and guns. Then it's
just a slippery slope to Elder God worship and inevitable madness.
-Chris Wayne
No matter how many atrocities I commit I always sleep soundly. Of
course, that bed of slaughtered infants is just -so- comfy.
-Chris Wayne
Yes, you know how we hate off-topic posts on this list.
-Chris Wayne
Does flirting for several years qualify as four or five dates? If so,
I think I'm married and have three kids.
-Chris Wayne
Gutted/skinned the stuffed animal section of a toys r us. Used the
guts for pillows and the skin for sheets. Fuzzzzzzzzzzzy.
Inter-esting. Fuzzy, cute, and vaguely unholy.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Official Abducted Spermnet: (Jonathan Mayer)
I did a mental back-of-the-envelope calculation as I lay in bed last
night.
Each sperm is a packet. Each sperm contains about half a normal
human's chromosomes, about 1.8 billion base pairs. Each base pair has
one of four stats, representing two bits of raw data. So each sperm
contains an archive of approximately 430MB of information (or, about
the same as a single uncompressed music CD).
The average american sex act takes about thirty minutes, and the
average american male produces 192 million sperm in a single
ejaculation (down from an average of 384 million, fifty years ago).
That's 45MB/second (about a third of an OC-3). Or, if you don't
believe in foreplay, you could measure instead the average duration of
male orgasm, which gives orgasm itself a "bursty" bandwidth of
34GB/sec. Put that in your socket and smoke it.
On the other hand, the female only possesses one ova to fertilize,
which means that ejaculation has a packet collision rate approaching
100%. And lately, it seems more often than not that those 192 million
data packets are being broadcast directly into /dev/tissue or
/dev/rubber, for an effective bandwidth of zero.
Drat.
Official Abducted Fear The Computer: (Nathan Winant)
I was just going through my old cd-roms, and happened to stumble
across the time-honored early-90's game, _Space Hulk_. For those of
you who never played it, it's fairly simple: you're coordinating a
bunch of power-armored Space Marines as they clear areas infested by
evil Aliens(tm)-esque aliens. What made the game so cool was the
aesthetic: your troops just happen to be soldiers of a futuristic
fascist imperial war machine. The game is filled with scenes of
thousands and thousands of troops standing in military formation and
chanting in unison, "Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!"... that kind of thing.
My heart filled with warm memories of my youth, I decided to browse
through the sound files on the CD, and in the process, I noticed
something: it's multi-lingual! (Those of you who know me really well
should already know where this is going...)
So, now my system can now shout such things as:
"To the Emperor!"
"We bring death!"
"Purge... with flame."
"Let the slaughter commence."
"The fire of anger burns within us."
"We are the mailed fist of the Emperor!"
"Fear not our enemy; they are an abomination."
"Begin the litanies of hatred."
- and -
"Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!"
in english, french, or... German! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?
Official Abducted Engine: (LON)
Methane Powerd Vehicle
1. Acquire a flat bed truck. It needs to have good stake sides to
contain the fuel source.
2. Perform the appropriate modifactions on the engine to allow it to
use the methane produced.
3. Obtain approximately 12 feet of 3 inch rubber hose, on one end add
the appropriate hardware to connect to the jetting needed for the
engine
4. Next steal several bails of hay and toss them in the back of the
truck.
5. Obtain a suitable cow. Jam the open end of the hose up the cows
ass, and secure with copious amounts of duct tape.
6. Let the cow eat for several hours and then you're good to go.
Note: This plan is not as efficient as the auto rotating cat engine,
however, the goal for a methane system as established at the
beginning.
Your results may very.
Chris Wayne responded:
It would be more efficient to surgically remove the cow's digestive
tract and install it directly into the vehicle. Of course, fuel
requirements would demand huge amounts of grain, which would be too
bulky to carry on board all the time. Clearly, a harvesting system
would be necessary to maximize fuel efficiency. Perhaps a suction
device could be extended from the vehicle into a field and collect all
grain within a large radius. Thus the vehicle could be refueled as
needed without onboard fuel reserves.
Maybe those flying saucers aren't as high-tech as they look....
Official Abducted Zen Master: (Nathan Winant)
I have come to the conclusion that Josh is the resident Keeper Of
Gibbering Mad Wisdom. Like some ancient libertarian monk he spends his
days quietly tending his garden, pruning his, uhm, "bansai tree",
quietly living in wait of a student seeking his guidance, or a UPN
camera crew seeking a syndicated television show. And every so often,
a student appears... One young and brash and convinced of the apparent
ways of the world. And once in a while -- once in a very, very long
while -- that student succeeds beyond the wildest expectations of
everyone but the master, and in one demented motion snatches the
glinting pebble of madness in their mouth, to run off screaming and
gibbering and baying into the night.
The old Sufi teachings tell us that, much as the soothing chatter of
the humble brook will not be silenced, so too this natural way cannot
be withheld. And so a student shall come. And so an ancient tradition
shall endure. And so, her name shall be "Jennifer".
... The old Sufi teachings also tell us that the UPN crews can be
expected for filming on a pretty consistent annual basis, typically
around August. Look for josh to be featured in next season's
soon-to-be smash hit, "What Is Up With You, Zen Homies?!"
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