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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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It would cut down on the excess population, though. (yeah. each year
half the population would slaughter the other half. _great_ method of
population control. move on, man. just let it go.)
-Alloni Kramer
I've noticed a lot of Americans out there lately who do seem incapable
of getting into the spirit of their role. Oh, sure, they still scream
and run and finally crawl enthusiastically enough, yeah, yeah... but
you can see it in their eyes. The simple love and respect that was
once felt for the art form -- you know, like back in the '70s? That's
a dying (ahem) thing. Even the Scream flicks haven't done much to
revitalize the consensual thrill of it all. Alas...
-"Wes"
Give me your money until I have enough... I'll say when.
-Jason
Acceptable, motion carries. After your my bitches, you will become
Will's bitches.
-Jason
But won't Will be cheapened by his secondhand bitches?
-Alloni Kramer
Heh, imagine the potential for sleazy pickup lines. "Hey baby, why
don't we go back to my place...on Jollyville rd."
-Trevor Walton
You are a cruel mistress. I like that.
-Chris Wayne
Damn you, Jesus.
-will.
How would you like to go to Hempfield High?
-Chris Wayne
First Canadians, now libertarians. There goes the neighborhood.
-Chris Wayne
And so physics goes the way of the Flat Earth and leeches.
-Chris Wayne
We will own you forever.
-Alloni Kramer
You never realize how much you know unless you're confronted by
someone who knows less than you. You never realize how little you
know unless you're confronted by someone who knows more than you.
-Alloni Kramer
We have such advanced technology today; clearly our understanding of
the universe is nigh-absolute. Of course, the wheel was once a modern
marvel too.
-Chris Wayne
I am Arfur King, of the Pistons.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So I'm grocery shopping over the weekend. I walk into the soda aisle
and there are two little kids playing noisily on the floor. Just then
a woman, I assume their mother, sticks her head around the corner and
says "All right! Who's ready for a spanking?" Somehow, common sense
seized control of my legs and got me the hell out of there before I
had a chance to open my mouth and get escorted out by security.
-Chris Wayne
Had you told common sense to shove off this might have been an even
more entertaining anecdote. Think about that next time you go off
half-cocked and decide to be sensible. Common sense...pfft.
-Trevor Walton
Nothing like gettin' busy in the produce aisle. (produce is sexier
than soda, of course)
-Marhod
If anyone says "And then, the oral sex!" I'll have their ears.
No, ears would be AURAL sex.
-Alloni 'n Josh
http://www.cthulhu.org/
Odd how this post coincides with the return of Josh.
-Dr. Obnox 'n Chris
On the other hand, soda bottles are the right shape for.... [Post
censored. Nothing to see here. Go about your business.]
Well, so are zuchini, bananas, yucca roots, carrots, celery. You could
make a whole salad and not worry about anything exploding. Well, at
least not soda bottles. And you can make your own dressing! ; )
The exploding soda foam is the best part. But... I can say no more.
I think you better explain yourself, young man. Before I call ASPCSD
on you! (that's the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Soda
Bottles, of course)
All I can say is that it launches the gerbil over 800% further.
-Chris 'n Marhod 'n Chris 'n Marhod 'n Chris
I have no comments for the press. I know nothing about this. Oh damn.
That was a comment. Ignore that I said that. I don't know if I know
anything about that or not. There. Much better.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I was thinking that aerating my uterus might be a bad plan.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm not that young. I'm almost as old as Jennifer :)
Good lord! Get this man a wheelchair!!!!!
-Chris 'n Marhod
We're too young to be pack rats!!!
-Marhod
Damn those Canadians all to hell.
-Tweed (he's canadian, man! i'm telling you!)
Did anyone else hear about that study that indicates that coffee
drinkers are less likely to develop Parkinson's disease? Ironic, isn't
it, that our neighbors to the south would provide the one weapon that
can protect us from our neighbors to the north?
-Chris Wayne
Nigh-omnipotence does have its advantages.
-Chris Wayne
ABC News told me the universe is ending... AND I JUST BOUGHT A NEW
HARD DRIVE!!!
-Jason
I do not understand why people think it's ok to be mean to their
friends.
Fuck you. (The preceding was a JOKE, people. Stop glaring at me, or I
will moon you all.)
-Jennifer 'n "Wes"
Ignorance may be bliss, but feigning ignorance is just so much more
lucrative.
-Chris Wayne
Relationships are too hard - buy a fish.
-Funky J
The Truth is that I am the captain of all of your pants.
-Tweed
If anyone says "And then, the oral sex!" I'll have their ears.
But you already have my heart.
And here I thought it was the heart of a young boy. Dammit. Now I'm
going to have to relabel it.
-Alloni 'n Garth 'n Alloni
Now, don't be testy. Secret Agent 42 is our saviour from the
dark-light beings currently commandeering our consciousness in the
night. I mean, when was the last time you had an extremely erotic,
lucid dream? Our pleasures have been taken away from us and our
saviour is at hand to raise us into ascension. I want Gillian
Anderson, she looks like a bed thumper.
-Tweed
You prayed it would never come, but your prayers were denied. You
"took steps" to stop the situation, but your hired thugs were found
floating face down in the river next morning. You begged and pleaded,
but your pleas were laughed at. You sold yourself on the street for
crack money, but that had nothing to do with this. I just like to
mock your pain.
-Alloni Kramer
Don't call me sir, I'm not your superior officer. Not any more,
anyway. In my day, men like you would have been drummed out of the
service, my boy, and those times will come again! But after those
*sniff* those bastards down at Central Casting took my mask and
goggles, I was the laughingstock of the military community, and had to
move here, change my name, change my identity, change my appearance,
change my billing address, change my underwear, and change my annoying
habit of shnortling really loudly when I talked that drove my wife so
crazy. You may have tracked my down despite all this, you may have
winkled me out with your damned dectective skills, you may have
ferreted out my secrets, including that one involving the creamcheese,
the three pairs of leather suspenders, and the koala named Abdul, but,
by god, you'll never take away my dignity! You'll also never
repossess my tv, as that's wholly paid for, insured, and hidden in a
heavily armed underground bunker. Can't be too careful, these days.
Armed both inside and out, so if the 30-foot chickens break open from
inside it, I'll be ready for them. They think they have the world
fooled, but I'm ready. In the meantime it's very difficult for me to
watch reruns of MASH. That's why I have this portable tv, here. Gets
all the channels, including the xrated ones. I keep it around with me
at all times. I'm an old man, you know, so when I get the stirring in
my loins, it's a) a time for celebration, and b) not something that
can be put off, and there aren't always willing nubiles in the
vicinity, so I make do with the tv and the occasional Tom Lehrer
album. You haven't lived, boy, you haven't lived until you've ripped
all your clothes off and "beaten the monkey" whilst singing "Poisoning
Pigeons in the Park" at the top of your lungs in the middle of a
crowded auditorium. It's a good way of opening up a space for
yourself if they don't show the proper respect for the aged, too.
Gotten into three Presidential speeches, two concert halls, and a book
signing with that trick, and got good seats too.
-Alloni Kramer
Yeah, you're soooooo MATURE, Trevor.. JEEZ. Psh. If I had a dog that
was as mature as you, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
HA HAA!!!!!
-will.
I was under the control of a procrastinating, indecisive Libyan
terrorist.
-will.
I seem to have lost my ass. Can you help me find it?
-will.
If I have Garth's heart, I can toy with him like a puppet.
Just watch where you put your hand.
-Alloni 'n Garth
Man. When was Bill Gate's expiration date? Somebody should have taken
him off the shelf by now. He's past his expiration date.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My new romantic hit "I've exceeded the expiration date of your heart."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My email box explodes with delight.
-Josh Smith
Reminds me of my own Amish experience. I was at the Greyhound station
in Columbus, where about 5 Amish teenagers were standing about 50 feet
away from the game arcade and staring with huge smiles on their faces.
-Josh Smith
If I have Garth's heart, I can toy with him like a puppet.
(I can't believe I'm going to say it, but....) Are you sure you didn't
leave it in San Francisco?
-Alloni 'n Chris
Oh, I definitely recommend smelling icky. Especially if you have a
raspy cough and hack up black phlegm. Chicks really dig that.
-Chris Wayne
Ha-HA! The joke is on you! My pants are a theocratic oligarchy without
a standing military. Sure, that may leave them open to attack, but
God, in his mercy, will protect them. Yea, verily.
-Chris Wayne
Woo, baby! Stand at attention for mama!
-Marhod
Twinkies, cockroaches, Spam, and now Garth's heart. The
post-apocalyptic world of the future sure is getting crowded.
-Chris Wayne
You don't need science to explain anything. Invisible magic pixies are
actually behind the vast majority of observable phenomena.
-Chris Wayne
Computer programmers predicted years ago that the speed of light could
be surpassed. Unless I totally misunderstand what C++ means.
-Chris Wayne
WooHoo! I love squelching in my sleep!
-Funky J
yeah, fish don't suck cock as well as a femme...
-Funky J
Under Article 7, Section C, paragraph 666, all mockery of "should I
quit smoking" questions is not only legal, but wholeheartedly endorsed
by the Powers of Sweetness and Licht.
-"Wes"
Why limit yourself to law-abiding SO's?
-Kevin
You still ain't washed th' dishes, beeotch! Get'cho ass t'werk!
-will.
hmmm, let's see:
1. Steal underpants
2. Attach winmail.dat to Garth's email
3. Profit
Nope, just doesn't work.
-Chris Wayne
I figured I'd be running around naked with a paint bucket on my head,
hootin' like a gibbon.
-will. (quitting smoking)
Santa's gonna bring you a stocking full of monkey poop and nettles
this year.
-will.
Furthermore, I can say positively that I almost don't have an aversion
to organized religions. (I like to eat babies and some of the big
churches frown upon that...)
-J Gassaway
But it's the quirks that make people fun. It's the foibles that
require death.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Actually I only act like a rabid monkey right before I have a
threesome with my two other roommates. But it's not 'cos they think
it's extremely arousing and spend the whole time rubbing, rubbing,
rubbing each other's bodies with oil or anyting.
-will.
I think I've been too stressed lately. It's just about beer:30.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
life is a cruel master. And it's a damn good thing I'm sobering up.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I do a happy dance. In fact... Happy Dances for Everyone!!!
-Jason
Oh my god, I'm Canadian.
-Kevin
Go back to Canada, you damn aboot-sayer!
-Alloni Kramer
Nothing I hate more than ineffectively scrambled eggs.
-Chris Wayne
Yeah? Well, there's nothing I hate more than ... THE COLOR RED! IT
ENFURIATES ME! IT MAKES ME LUNGE AT THAT DAMN SWIRLY RED CAPE WITH
HORNS READIED TO GORE THE SWORD-WIELDING FOOL! GORE HIM! GORE HIM
AND TRAMPLE HIM TO THE GROUND! Gasp. Gasp. Gasp.
-Alloni Kramer
Great, now I have visions of Alloni dancing and grabbing his crotch
with his single sequined glove.
-Garth
I quit smoking pot, tomorrow. And if that works out I'm going to quit
again the day after.
-Garth
Sir? You have pop rocks in your anus.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (hostility)
I'm going to do something spontaneous soon.
Like combust?
-will. 'n Jennifer
Not at all. At the very least, you're worth upwards of $400,000 in
spare parts alone, not to mention the potentially continuous blood
harvesting. Failing that, you can be broken down into $2.34 of
compotent elements.
-Chris Wayne
"My dog, it's full of rats!"
-Chris Wayne
A bear that eats Guatemalan Insanity Peppers and farts really stinky
farts with a shark with a freakin' laser beam attached to its head
attached to its back with bees in its mouth and when it barks it
shoots bees at you (assuming you can make bears bark), with
attack-trained falcons strapped to the shark and poisonous snakes
duct-taped all over it would be far, far worse, provided the snakes
don't bite the other animals.
-Chris Wayne
I've also lost the will to die. It's a lose/lose situation.
-Alloni Kramer
Have you also lost the will to exist in a nebulous state of unlife?
-Chris Wayne
Never go in against a half-Sicilian when movie references are on the
line.
-Chris Wayne
What's the alternative? That NO ONE, not bored geeks with a
questionable sense of a good time, nor high echelon government agents,
nor minions of evil monolithic corporations, even remotely care what I
do with my time? The horror, the horror....
-Chris Wayne
If you got involved in a million monkeys in a million abducteds...?
-Chris Wayne
new product suggested by my office: RedHot LinuXXX.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"Mardi Gras Ate New York!" Just think of the ratings, man!
-Chris Wayne
A whore is a whore, for sure, for sure,
And no one outsmarts a whore, for sure.
That is, I'm sure, unless the whore
Is the famous Special Ed.
Go lay on the floor and pay the whore,
He'll give you a romp, of that I'm sure,
He will always offer his backdoor,
Have sex with Special Ed.
-Chris Wayne
Nathan is not dead.
What a coincidence. I am also, not dead.
-Jennifer 'n Kevin
Soooooo a girlfriend who don' wanna have sex wit'cha is sorta like a
Porsche with no engine. May be cute as all hell, but whafuck is it
really worth?
-"Wes"
"Jesus Wes." I like it!!! : )
-"Wes"
There is a very fine line between "not dead" and "disembodied brain
floating in an oxygenated nutrient bath".
-Chris Wayne
Funky J is quitting smoking pot????? ...mommy, i'm scared....
-Chris Wayne
Garth is an Oompa Loompa.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"My dog, it's full of rats!"
And I was upset because mine had worms.
Are you sure they weren't fiber-optic cables?
-Chris 'n Garth 'n Chris
Still... clinging... to life... ... no thanks to those fuckers under
Zurich...
-Nathan Winant
Breasts that you can play with are always nicer than breasts that you
can't.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's against my religion to be nice to Mormons.
-Chris Wayne
What would Jesus do? 42. Nope, doesn't work. Clearly Jesus was not the
Son of God. Did you see the "Pierced for You" screensaver? Apparently
getting all sorts of trendy piercings is one of the things that Jesus
would do.
-Chris Wayne
I'm convinced that Jennifer mated with Nathan, killed and ate him, and
plans to repopulate the earth with unholy Nathanspawn.
-Chris Wayne
Just moved into a new house where they have a homeowners association.
After reading through all the wacked out rules and regulations I
couldn't help but think of the X-Files episode where they conjure up a
demon to enforce the CC&R's, and yes they *do* call them that... It's
frightening.
-Trevor Walton
Too late for that. Nathan's gone. It's time to move on with our lives
and prepare for subjugation by the Nathanic race. So ends the Age of
Alloni.
-Chris Wayne
I just got off the phone with Toshiba Tech support. I was asked my
companies name. I replied "MCI". I was then asked to spell MCI.
-Gark Sommer
No, mother, you've got it wrong. It matters not what the truth is, it
is the pitch that matters in the industry... "What we're doing is,
we're making the leap from an 'online store' to... 'e-commerce'. An
online environment that intuitively interacts _with the customer_, and
aids them in their purchasing endeavor based on user-specified options
and browser profiling. "... You know, like Amazon."
-Nathan Winant (devils! drive them out!)
Banner ad that just popped up as I was reading my mail:
Do you Love Hello Kitty as much as we do?
You couldn't possibly.
... Jesus. They're getting militant.
-Nathan Winant
Did you tell them that e-commerce is quickly becoming obsolete, and
that if they want to ride the wave of the future and race down the
information superhighway at breakneck speed, they'll need a
computerized cybermarket?
-Josh Smith (devils i say!)
Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to
fucking use the goddamn internet, and he'll finally be out of your
fucking hair for good.
-Nathan Winant
"I encourage everyone to take a short amount of time to write out (by
hand!) a short, polite letter requesting that they start airing He-Man
and She-Ra." ... a "short, polite" letter? Are they worried that the
average die-hard She-Ra fan is otherwise going to rise to this
challenge with a voluminous, ranting indictment of the station's
willful neglect of the program? Ream after ream of pages bitterly
deflowered by curdled ink, or perhaps simply a crude incendiary
device? Dear lord, _is_ this in fact the average He-Man aficionado's
normal mode of expression? The mind reels with these terrible
questions, and a veritable Golgogtha of others: Where are these people
in society, how can I recognize them, and by all that is holy, how can
I remain hidden? This is but one of the many things which keeps me
awake at night.
-Nathan Winant
If he did lactate, did you suckle from his man boobies?
-will.
Never ever ever would I prioritise humans and my emotions over
pornography.
-will.
Thankfully, it only took a week to convince myself that I was only
jaded, and not a sicko.
I'm a sicko. It's fun.
-Jennifer 'n will.
I'll give you some 'Jesus Action'...
-Nathan Winant
Seriously, check it out. Under the 'african heritage series', they're
all of course conspicuously black... EXCEPT FOR EVE!!!!! ... The
'forbidden apple' is WHITE BOOTY!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
I think we gots us a libeertarianite here, boys.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yeah, but I'm a slug.
-"Wes"
Sadist. (Not bitching. It's kinda cool. Just pointing it out.)
-"Wes"
You have to catch me first, you little lemuropath.
-Tweed
22 But the wicked will be removed from the land, and the treacherous
will be destroyed.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
-"Wes"'s sister's church
What is the penalty.. ..for sleeping with the enemy?
This would depend upon several variables. If you're only doing so as
part o' your clever strategem to learn more *about* the enemy, whilst
luring them into a false sense o' trust, then the penalty should
hopefully be nil. However, your friends might not know about said
strategem, and might therefore still hold it against you. Never
underestimate the human capacity to prejudge. On the other hand... if
it's just weakness and you're sleeping with the enemy coz, enemy or
no, you can't resist their charms? Well... then it comes down to one
simple question. Does the enemy have tits out to HERE and an ass that
tastes like French vanilla ice cream? If your answer is "YES," then
there is no penalty. You are a man of admirable priorities. If your
answer is "NO," then you need to be slowly crucified and buried in an
unmarked grave, you fucking traitor.
-will. 'n "Wes"
soon for a dead cat in a box.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
What if you put off something you've already done till later? Then
you'd be free before.
-Garth
Cute will get you nowhere in this uncaring world.
-Alloni Kramer
Do mailbombs need to be insured?
-Chris Wayne
Oh, how I wish gibo was not in the UK. I could really use him right
now.
For what? Sexual plaything? Target practice? Hapless pawn? Fajita
fixin's?
-Jennifer 'n Chris
That sounds like a euphemism. "Tonight I'm gonna be "smokin' out the
brain weasels", if you catch my drift."
-Alloni Kramer
I do like the Job figure (with oozing sore action!). Although how Xian
parents would explain the story of Job to their kids is beyond me.
"Mommy, what's on Job's skin?"
"Leprous sores, blisters, and boils, dear."
"Is Job a bad man?"
"No, dear, Job is a very good man who loves and worships God."
"So why did God punish him?"
"He's trying to win a bet."
"oh."
-Chris Wayne
I don't like that most "Cthulhu" stickers actually have pictures of
Nyarlathotep. It's not like we'll worship just any gibbering horror.
-Chris Wayne
Don't be embarrassed. The heat blast will dry your tears. Then rip the
flesh from your bones. Then ignite your bones. Special moments,
indeed.
-Chris Wayne
Go for it. You only live a dark and soulless existance once.
-Alloni Kramer
Should we just skip all the foreplay and go straight to the big gay
orgy?
-will.
Having a kid sure did make God lighten up a lot.
-Chris Wayne
I want to know whose fingerprint is on my jelly-dong.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No, he didn't lighten up as much as most people think he did. What
actually happened was once he realized the girl was pregnant he left
the area and went off to terrorize some other planet somewhere else.
Some day he'll forget about the kid entirely, come back here, and
it'll be rains of fire and brimstone all over again.
-Alloni Kramer
You have to ruin EVERYthing for me, Chris Wayne!
Yes. Yes I do.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
You will be assimila... uh, I mean, Drivers Wanted.
-Chris Wayne
The phrase "jelly dong" made me crave donuts too. What would Freud
think?
-Chris Wayne
HANGIN'S TOO GOOD FOR HIM! BURNIN'S TOO GOOD FOR HIM!! HE OUGHTA BE
CUT INTO ITTY-BITTY PIECES AND BURIED ALIVE!!!
-Chris Wayne
When I worked at the porn shop, there was a dildo with these huge
veins and ridges and what looked like small horns. We called it
Satan's Cock. I can't imagine anyone wanting to stick that thing into
any orifice. It was on the shelf for as long as anyone could remember.
Who would buy it?
-Chris Wayne
Official Abducted Other Than That: (Alloni Kramer)
The Day I Swapped My Father For Two Goldfish And A Kilo Of Crack
Cocaine
must kill MUST KILL THEM they laugh at me why do they laugh I WILL
HURT THEM revenge is sweet indeed KILL must kill the tweedy little guy
he disturbs me they tell me to hurt him HURT HIM the little guy has
too much hair HE MUST BE A MONKEY i will destroy the monkey drive
nails into his flesh the voices tell me so I MUST TRUST THE VOICES
paint the walls PAINT THEM WITH HIS BLOOD thank you.
Oh. Yeah. And sex.
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