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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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It's a cold world.
yep. but now I have donuts.
-Nathan 'n Jennifer
I am sparkly again today. but this time I'm panurple sparkly. last
time I was clear sparkly.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
it only grazed me, so now I have shit in my pants _and_ my head....
-Madhat
Do you want to be my hero, or my god?
-Nathan Winant
But what about last night? You said you loved me *sniff*
*I* love you, jennifer. (when you're putting out) BEING YOURSELF! I
love you when you're just being yourself.
-Jennifer 'n Nathan
Germans! ... are trying to recruit me.
Take their chocolate and run, Man!
-Nathan 'n Jennifer
(J)I(O)have(I)no(N)idea of what you're(U)talking(S) about.
-will.
they were described to me as the "easygoing" "creative" "fun" kind of
germans.
Which means:
a.) I have an exciting opportunity to study an entirely new species of
germans, thus far completely unknown to science.
b.) Someone's yankin' my chain.
c.) They're going to dress me up in leiderhosen behind a starbucks and
eat me alive.
Some might say there's a fourth option, the "nathan is just a
close-minded bastard who should really move beyond all his weird
hangups stemming from his equally weird early childhood experiences
and just get on with his life" option, but that's obviously just a
filthy commie lie. ... Personally, I'm torn between a and c.
-Nathan Winant
You don't wanna mess with me. I'm 70% bitch. That's 32% more than the
world's average.
-will.
No, I'll accept choking on someone else's drool, as long as they are
reasonably closely related to you, say, closer than second cousins.
-Alloni Kramer
Man! There were so many more chicks then! Where'd all the chicks go?
<Alloni whistles innocently, carefully not looking at his basement.>
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
As long as there is full frontal nudity involved, we can cope.
-Alloni Kramer
I feel like Smaug, and invisible Bilbo is bouncing spitballs off my
forehead.
-"Wes"
deep fried Jar-Jar legs. yummmmmmmmmm.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Today I.. ..got a promotion. I celebrated by running through the call
centre screaming the lyrics to "Der Komissar".
-will.
So are you hitting on me or inviting me to eat your flesh?
-will.
Are we not men? We are abducted.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You fail to realize that I am the cannibal here and if anyone's going
to eat anyone else, *especially* Garth, it's gonna be me. Why? Cause I
men are insignificant members of the food chain and can be eaten by
their women with little repercussions. Women, on the other hand have
to be around a lot longer to carrying on her genes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I see men as relatively unnecessary beings, needed only to reach high
shelves or open salsa jars. Regardless, there are certain species of
male who should be exempted from the gender-cide.. like me.. since I
sympathise with the women and all. So I'm gonna eat you.
-will.
I dare you to give birth. Come on, right now. You can do it. Alien
beings do not count. Humans only.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I can't give birth right now. I'm out of Kool-Aid.
-will.
Sugar is one of the best sources of carbon on the planet. How am I
supposed to procreate asexually without carbon?! I can't take it from
myself! I NEED CARBON!!!!
-will.
Today's lesson: Being around germans brings out my germanic side. I'm
so damn german, it's scary.
-Nathan Winant
"twat-shaped orifices" Brilliance, I'm gonna have to try and work that
into a conversation...
-Trevor Walton
I'm much better at most things (provided they're at least a wee bit
absurd, demeaning, kinky, vicious, pointless, weak, limp, crippled,
crazy, lazy, or topped with pepperoni) than most people. I'd point
this out more often, but modesty prevails.
-"Wes"
I dropped out of college! I only know Microsoft operating systems!
I've fried my brain with hallucinogens! Aliens have tapped my
consciousness away from me! I have an average-sized penis! I LIKE
COUSCOUS!!! AAAaaaaahhhh...
-will.
Yes the bio degree and $2.25 gets me an espresso at the java bar.
-Baabaa
Of course, I'm as drunk as Bluto right now, and therefore the idea of
real-life fairy-dust-shitting Tinkerbells sounds pretty plausible,
too...
-"Wes"
You will be... ummm.. ass, something, something.
-Jason
I will no longer: suffer, cope, destroy you all. They have become
cliche, and, as such, irrefutable. I must give you the chance to
defend yourselves against my awesome wit. Why? It wouldn't be
sportsmanlike. Who needs to be sportsmanlike?
-Alloni Kramer
Personally, I find both terms to be offensive. I prefer
living-impaired.
-Chris Wayne
In fact, I don't think that carbon ever appears in a human body as
carbon.
Then why do diamonds keep falling out of my nose?
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. (Any of you in law enforcement
please do not read the rest of this paragraph. No, make that message.
No, come too think of it, just stop reading my emails entirely. In
or out. In fact, why don't you just stop the monitoring entirely, and
we'll forget the whole incident. I can be generous. I am known for
my generosity. I endowed a house of illrepute in Wisconsin just last
fall.) I am now exceedingly stoned.
-Alloni Kramer
I realized. This is why people have been known to ask me if I am
constantly on potent medications! When I'm typing irrightly, I sound
like I'm greatly drugged! Yeah! I understand it all now. It makes
total sense. Especially the walrus. The walrus and the carpenter.
The omnipotent carpenter. Fear him.
-Alloni Kramer
If I were a homicidal maniac.. ..and nobody's saying that I'm not..
but if I were, seriously, then I'd probably kill a whole bunch of
Christians whilst proclaiming myself to be God and that me killing
them is their punishment for years and years of idiocy and hypocricy..
just so I could kick back in my carpeted cell, sip my rum and Coke and
watch the media havoc ensue on my 24" colour television. Disclaimer:
In no way do I not like Christians or people of any religion.. I just
think it's funny to mess with people.
-will.
Nobody seems to be able to fathom enjoying nothingness. That's the one
thing that never ceases to depress me.
-will.
Jennifer, be sure to expose your breast, whenever possible, tomorrow.
-Jason
Beads are not worth going to jail. Even really faboo beads.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I say you should organize non-violent topless protests...and take lots
of pictures...and then scan them and send them to me.
-Khanh Nguyen
Things I didn't know
Jesus Christ is not a pizza topping
Jesus Christ is bigger than a human being
Jesus Christ does live in the desert
Jesus Christ cannot be used in tea
-www.20q.net
I feel cleansed. You do too.
-Alloni Kramer
Yessir, that's right. whiskey 'n' sodie pop. Next I'm gonna go smokin'
in the boys room. Cuz' I'm just workin' for the weekend. <insert other
terrible 80's songs here>
-Nathan Winant
As long as I have a connection to the Internet, I'll never need a
shrink again!
-will.
"Screw LSD and meditation, all I need is the 'Net!"
-will.
No one's ever been quoted saying anything about Shiva?! For shame!
-Trevor Walton
The other day I saw a Discovery Channel show about the Loch Ness
monster. Some major facts to consider: There are not enough fish in
the loch to support a breeding population of large predators. Most
eyewitness accounts say that "Nessie" moves through the water in an
up-and-down undulating motion. No studies have ever been done on the
availability of acorns in the loch. Reptiles, like snakes, lizards,
and even plesiosaurs, move side-to-side, not up-and-down; in fact, the
only up-and-down undulating animal that immediately comes to mind is a
squirrel. This leaves only one logical conclusion: The Loch Ness
Monster is actually a member of a heretofore undiscovered species of
Giant Lake Squirrel.
-Chris Wayne
bah. Any carpenter, especially an omnipotent one, should know better
that to get himself nailed to a couple of boards.
-Chris Wayne
How about "necro-ambulatory" or "pulse-deprived"?
-Chris Wayne
which is why I need to eat Garth instead of Garth eating me. I would
be way too tasty and there would surely be a run on my leg meat. Then
it would be all gone and everyone would be so sad. But Garth's legs
are probably all grisly.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
SO make sure you get a signed consent form before choking anyone to
near death.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I will cause you neverending torment.
Oh please. Why don't you give me something I don't already have.
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
So I think we sould email *@*.* Any objections?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm sure some men base their lives on silicon. *ba-dum-dum*
-Khanh Nguyen
Hello friendly textbeing! This one Slagathor, Eater of Small
Feathered Things that Make Nest in Slagathor Cavernous Mouth when
Slagathor Sleep! This one happy and laughing HA! HA! to meet you
acquaintance! We eat now?
-"Wes"
Yeah! The sheer NERVE of "Wes", being "Wes". You'd think he'd have
some common decency and be Fennifer for a while, to accomodate those
of us who are too involved in the CRAP of living daily life to check
annoying things like email headers. Sheeeeeesh. He deserves to be
pinched by a creature with big strong lobster-like claws.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I so excited all six of my nipples are tingling!
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
bah. feh. and other three letter words with a vowel in the middle.
like bug.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No, sigh isn't the right word. Maybe smarf.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have to wonder -- why me? Have I ever given anyone here the
impression that I'd be particularly likely to lick dog food off of an
underage German porn star? Forget that underage German part.
-Chris Wayne
I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Australians have so many
different ways to say "vomit".
-Chris Wayne
OK, it is a series of commands strung together to grab information
from the internet using non conventional methods to spread the lies
and hopes of a young boy from Europe. Be glad you didn't execute this
code, because it will also transmit information to the satellite above
your house, the one we^H^H they have been using to watch your every
move... They are on to you. Be very quiet and don't let them know
that you know... I have said too much. Destroy any evidence of this
and do not speak of it again. You may be in grave danger, they are
all
-MadHat (it's all right. we have him now.)
Even after reading "lick dog food off an underage German porn star" I
still read this "Forget that underarm German porn star."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I say we replace every syllable in our language with two different
ones.
-Alloni Kramer
A lady called into the centre here today threatening to bomb
Hewlett-Packard if we didn't fix her tape drive. I asked her if she
knew that what she was doing was a federal offence. She didn't. I
asked her how the prison system was in Oregon. She didn't know. I
assured her that the prisons in Colorado were much less user-friendly
than HP's backup software, and that if she would let me put her on
hold for a moment I could make a quick phone call and get her an
internship at one of our fine establishments. She apologised. I fixed
her tape drive. I wish I hadn't.
-will.
Don't push me. I am this close to the edge today. Last night I saw
The Perfect Clock Tower, and feel The Need. Not because of anything
going on in my life. It's just that a clock tower like that - tall,
centrally located, within sight of half the city, with an actual clock
on it, plus a great thing on top to fire from - needs to be used now
and again or it goes stale.
-Alloni Kramer
That's pretty much it. I have nothing more to say. You can cry fraud
if you like. Many do. It's the fashion. Beanie Babies. Pokemon.
Crying fraud. I may have to start selling fraudulent antiques just to
cash in on the craze. A parking ticket with Richard Nixon's name on
it - a fraud about a crook. BIG money there. An end table designed
by King Arthur. Honus Wagner's bunny slippers. My spare socks.
-Alloni Kramer
I wonder if our gooky little friend is insulted yet.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
However, this does bring up a thought. In all honesty, I suspect most
people *don't* really talk about me enough. I mean, be honest with
yourself. How many conversations have *you* had about "Wes" today?
Guys, I'm not asking much. They don't have to be complimentary
conversations. Hell, talk about what an assbag I am, if you like.
But it really should be every sapient's solemn duty to talk about me
more often. I'm tired of covering for all the rest of you out there,
understand? Seventeen times a day should be a fair allotment, don't
you think? Thanks in advance.
-"Wes"
Okay.. So far I've talked about "Wes" thirteen times to various
people, and have recieved nothing but confusing looks and a
psychiatric ward's business card. Am I doing something wrong?
-will.
Damn it! The cute new guy has only been here a day and he's already
married to somebody else. hrmph.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
and now i'm disoriented and it's all your fault!
-litho
my guess is the evil guy at work. if she dies then whose life will he
have to ruin? His whole life's purpose will go up in smoke and what
will he have to do with his days other than sit around and twiddle his
thumbs. you'll cause him to become a skitzo. one of his personalitys
will be "jennifer" and it'll do all this work. and then, the other
one will destroy it all. and no one will ever suspect...
-litho (or maybe it already happened)
Humans. You talk and you talk.. but you've got no glambah.
-will.
It occurred to me... while driving to work this morning, that while I
don't quite know what Jesus *would* do I'm pretty sure he *wouldn't*
cut me off in traffic.
No, he'd just part the traffic and walk through it.
-Trevor 'n Funky J
There are certain social nuances involved in conversations about me,
and it's very important that they be observed. To do otherwise would
be the equivalent of inviting your friend with the bad case of
Tourette's Syndrome to preach at a Fundie Baptist convention. When
discussing me, it is important that you be naked, that you scream your
conversational forays at the top of your lungs, and that afterward you
grab the nearest mammal and attempt to breed with it. If they still
look at you funny, then you may safely assume that they are heretics
worthy of stoning. Unless they haven't yet figured out how to get
around a piss test, in which case it might be more polite to either
shoot them up with PCP, or just offer them a beer. It's all just a
case of simple etiquette. Let uncommon sense prevail, and you'll be
fine.
-"Wes"
You should be screaming. Screaming and praying to your hideous
uncivilized monkey-gods.
-Alloni Kramer
Oh, no, wait. My mistake. Once again, I need to smack the morons in
the head.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm sorry! I didn't do it! It's Fifi's fault, that dumb stupid bitch
dog woman. She brings me immense pain in my colon!
-will.
To quote the ancient Isrealites... "Aw, mom! Do we havta have manna
from heaven AGAIN? It feels like we haven't eaten anything but God's
superfood for forty years now!"
-Alloni Kramer
"This kinda makes sense, too: Whats the difference between an apple
and an orange? answer? The telephone pole, cuz a motorcycles doesnt
have any doors. DUH!"
-Aj Effin ReznoR
here's an answer to all the great questions of time... "one day a
farmer went outside to see that his canoe was missing. how many pigs
fit in a teapot? three because hamburgers don't bounce."
-litho
Well, to be more specific it's Fraboni's mum. She can't really type
very well, due to a lack of.. fingers.. so all she does is sit here
and watch you post about how horrible her son is and she CRIES AND
CRIES AND CRIES. She's a wonder with a trackball, though.
-will.
Wait a minute.
She's Romanian.
Tesla was Romanian.
THEY'RE BREEDING AN ARMY OF MUTANT SUPERGENIUSES IN ROMANIA! WE'VE
BECOME OBSOLETE!
It's perfectly logical.
-Alloni Kramer (fear the romanians!)
Tesla was a dirty little Croat who had alien-inspired dream of
alternating current. Romanians are the vitriol-dripping vampires!
Today it's an AI wunderkind, tomorrow a blood-sucking network hack
that shuts everyone out of the Genome database, except Craig Venter,
who owns the patents on the living dead. I've only kept one of my
Tesla coils running. It's sitting unused out in the back shed next to
the orgone box. I rarely fire it up because all the cats in the
neighborhood suck up too much static, making me less popular.
-Baabaa
NOOOOOO!!! Sir, you *must not* burst my bubble. Not because it would
particularly traumatize me... but because it would desperately lack
originality! See, I've held the market corner in burst bubbles ever
since '93. Other folks who want their own bubbles burst? They gotta
clear it by me first. I hold down the fucking patent on the
experience. Now if you were to, say, creep into my window in the
middle of the afternoon and wake me to the sensation of a knife held
to my jugular while your other hand repeatedly tweaks my nose and
thumps my ears... now, THAT would be an appropriate bit of Bad News.
That'd give me something to think about as I sip my coffee later that
nite (or as I strum my harp if you get bored and use the knife). Or if
ya wanna *positively* affect my reality, then you could sneak into the
same window, hold the same knife to your own throat, and force-feed me
Guinness Pub Draught (from a glass, please). And then present your
sister the supermodel with the vast and creative mind, who due to
cataracts thinks I'm the sexiest stud since Mel Gibson was young.
-"Wes"
you'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I think ( and I think I'm not the only one here that thinks this) that
your boobscan should not be a bargaining chip in a game of
evil-technology-bidding, but instead a free gift to the abducted
community as a whole.
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I say currently, meaning current to my writing and not your reading,
which will presumably be on a different day, as most of you read this
sorta thing at work, and it isn't worktimenow. It is, however, always
possible you're still at work as I type this, frantically checking
your email for the daily MeMessage. In which case, we can avoid all
time travel references alltogether, which just isn't as interesting,
so for the purposes of that I will assume you're reading this message
from 1932. Probably via laudenum-induced visions, too. How you respond
is a mystery I will have to look into. I may have to consult the
Pope. Now that he's apologized, I feel he's much more approachable
than I used to think he was. I'll call him Popy-boy. Or maybe Bob.
Everyone enjoys being called Bob. Do you mind if I call you all Bob?
-Alloni Kramer
Free the impulses! They're being held hostage at the checkout counter.
-Baabaa
Now, if I made it, he would have got his lame arse shot up, and then
they'd ALL realise that there was no "one", but many, and they could
all decide their own fate. But then again I'm a pinkocommieatheist,
not a God fearing 'Merican like the one's who wrote the movie.
-Funky J (kill the unbeliever!)
Controlled waterfalls in each of our caves, standing ready to wash
away the blood and grime and whatnot that spatters our respective
bodies after a hard day's work. Ain't showers da bomb?
-"Wes"
Give my regards to your computer! : ) Ask it if it knows about the
fate of my old Commodore 64, 'way back in the Stone Age. (It should
know. Among computers, the tale is pretty legendary in a "Jack the
Ripper" sort of way.) Promise it a similar fate if it doesn't behave.
-"Wes"
I snuck into your office and left you an origami boulder. So you
wouldn't notice it, I hid it in your trashcan. It's there, waiting
for you.
-"Wes"
Satan has spawned roofers against me!
No, they were invented by man that man might abuse woman. You did say
roofies, right?
-Jennifer 'n Alloni
You must go to the pre-arranged meeting place to abdu... I mean, meet
your weird Australian mammal or marsupial. What do you mean you don't
know of a pre-arranged meeting place?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So... any chance they're also hiring for the position of water boy,
umpire, town whore, assassin, pastry chef, Etch-a-Sketch master
artist, table dancer, corpse, food fighter, Frankenstein monster,
movie critic, liposuction engineer, or one of those bald, thickly
bespectacled, lab-coated guys who intimidates the other workers by
wandering around, looking over their shoulders, and jotting little
scribbles into a black notebook with a little Nazi symbol in one
corner of the leather cover that was tooled from human flesh? Not
that I'm necessarily qualified for each and every one o' these
occupations, but hey... I'm willing to learn.
-"Wes"
I eat you for breakfast. You are a corn flake.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Maybe ... it's not the album. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've turned into
the kind of person who enjoys an album full of love songs, nothing but
love songs. Let's see ... hmm ... *crash* *crackle* *Screech!* No,
no, I can still inflict pain on small animals. It must be the album.
-Jonathan Mayer
I have no point. (No point? Then how do you give directions?)
-Alloni Kramer
If you're desperate for attention, maybe you should just talk about
your boobs.
-Garth
Why does everyone feel the need to lie to me? Even the stupid pattern
I'm using lied. It said I'd just have enough fabric to make the damn
thing and I have more than enough. And it also said the notches would
line up. But they don't. And the coyote and the road runner!
They're just never ending lies and betrayals of hopes and dreams and
everything which now as a result is ceasing to exist. I mean, if the
coyote goes through all the traps he sets up and falls off the cliff
and gets hit by trucks and still LIVES...then, what makes him think
that the same things can kill the roadrunner? So, he tries and tries.
spends his money, doesn't eat, endures so much pain to accomplish a
dream which for way too long hasn't happened. And if it finally _did_
happen? If one of his genius plans _worked_? It wouldn't matter.
-not really here
Time is not free. Every moment I sit before the phosphorus glow of
this monitor, precious seconds and minutes of my live swirl clockwise
through the grating of eternal dissolution. Plus, I upped my
amphetamine dose. How have you been?
-Jonathan Mayer
It's amazing how my life has changed since I gave myself wholy over to
the forces of evil.
Welcome. We're glad to have you.
-Jonathan 'n Chris
Boobs are overrated. Nipples are where it's at. Quoth this random,
cute, married woman I met a few days ago: "I like my nipples." Well,
sure you do.
-Jonathan Mayer
Oh, jm. Poor jm. How little you understand. You belonged to the
forces of evil from the beginning. Their mark was plain to see for
those who know how to look. You've simply met your inevitable fate.
-Alloni Kramer
I think I should be a superhero. I've got the whole creating a
glowing ball of bright blue lightning/negative energy between my hands
down packed. Well, the motions for it anyway. I've even prepared
myself for the mass magnetic forces it would create. And, I've been
practicing throwing it. All i need is a catchy name and costume. Any
suggestions? Anyone need saving?
-not really here
HELP! HELP! My monkey's caught up in that tree falling off of that 20
story building being blasted by the evil Galacticon Cosmeticus! Who
ever can save my monkey???
-Nathan Winant
I didn't know you wanted it! I swear! My claims of supreme psychic
powers is fraudulent! I promise!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Personally, I'd much rather be enslaved by mutant supergeniuses than
be impaled on a large wooden stake. But that's just me.
-Chris Wayne
This made me grin a lot. Really big grin. Couldn't lose the fucker
if I smashed it with a ball peen hammer a few times. I grinned so
hugely that my head split in two, and now the top half's rolling
around the fucking room somewhere. Someone please, call 911 as
convenience permits... I'm afraid to leave the typewriter. Uncertain
how it might feel if I stepped on my own skull, and unwilling to find
out. Fuck. The cat's found it, I'm almost positive. Hard to tell,
coz I can't see much besides carpet, but *something* is sniffing and
tentatively licking at my ear, and the tongue feels too small and
sandpapery to be my landlord again. His feels like fish hooks dipped
in whipped cream... but that's another story. Anyway, bastard, you're
responsible for this. You think these things grow on trees? Huh?
You gonna explain to my Y Indian Guide troop about why I can't wear
the feathers anymore? Or to my poor, destitute barber as he mourns
the discontinuation of my regular visits?
-"Wes"
Ah, look at that. It's just so _cute_ when women try to think...
-Nathan Winant
"In the internet, nobody can hear you get bitch-slapped."
-Nathan Winant
Well, at least they're not vampires. Or mutant supergenius vampires
seeking to enslave us in order to impale us on large wooden stakes.
-Chris Wayne
He may have the authority to speak for all Catholics, but I for one am
not at all sorry for anything. In fact, I'm sure that Jesus would have
wanted us to commit many more atrocities in His name.
-Chris Wayne
What the hell is wrong with you people?!!!!!
You really don't have that kind of time.
-Jenn 'n Chris
I have legions of gothadmirerers begging me to empale myself,
actually.
-Alloni Kramer
You are a giant flying turtle that shoots fire out its ass?
-Garth
No wonder you taste so good in stew.
And everywhere else, babe. That... was intended as a sexual innuendo,
by the roadside. Not as any sort of cannibalisticfrenzyinducing
invitation.
-Jenn 'n Alloni
Careful is my middle initial.
-Alloni Kramer
You're much funnier than Alloni.
That's what you say now. But just you wait until I pull out... THE
ACCORDION OF DEATH!
-will 'n Alloni
I remember the days. Back when everything was fresh and young. In
the days when Jennifer thought I ruled the earth and the moon, and
that nothing I said could be in the slightest bit unoriginal. What
happened to those days, Jenn? What happened to us?
-Alloni
We all love you, Alloni. Err.. well.. I do, at least, but it's just a
facade until I can get you into bed.
-will.
Outside of the city limits you'll probably get eaten by coyotes.
Alligators. We don't have coyotes. I think.
Swamp coyotes. Coyotes with moss stapled to their foreheads.
True men don't kill coyotes with moss stapled to their foreheads?
No, true men don't kill coyotes with ~okra~ stapled to their
foreheads. Moss good. Okra bad.
-will. 'n Jenn 'n will. 'n Jenn 'n will.
I was praised, in defiance of various annoyingly repressive natural
laws. Naturally Pa Time (being far more liberal than we give the old
coot credit for) did some acrobatic gyrations in celebration. As did
Dirk Diggler, patron deity of length; The n Space Patrol, and various
chocolate chip ice cream cones galaxywide, but I digress.)
-"Wes"
John the Buddhist claims that anyone working at Verio is a zombie and
that the only merciful thing to do is put a bullet through their
heads. Just thought I'd let you know.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My spookiness is omnipresent.
-will.
WHAT?!?! NO!!! Okra represents all that is evil and soulless on this
planet!
-will.
so, who has the moss or okra stabled to their foreheads? The real men
or the coyotes? Do coyotes even HAVE foreheads?
-Dr. E. Von Obnox
I feel that we're lacking a stable foundation in our relationship,
Jennifer. We need to do some trust-building exercises, maybe? C'mon.
It's me. Don't be afraid of me. I'm not the one who beat you. Alloni
is. Remember? Back when we were little kids? I had to disfigure Alloni
with a waffle iron to get him off of you. Then we ran off into the
woods together, and I took care of you. We lived in a cave. It was
like a strange mixture of Princess Mononoke, Final Fantasy VIII and
The Blue Lagoon.
-will.
If I ever lose my grits virginity, I sure hope it's with Jennifer.
-Terence P. Higgins
The coyote cranium exhibits a forehead naturally inclined for sneaky
cunning thoughts. Criminal thoughts. Eat an innocent baby lamb before
Easter thoughts. Thoughts about eating your favorite cat or wandering
child. Thoughts about yipping outside your window all night. Thoughts
about avoiding the leg hold traps and snares and SKS fire. The
trickster. Turn your back and you're lunch.
-Baabaa
What if you took the coyotes brain out and rubbed it against a piece
of lodestone to magnetize it? Then it would stay in and he could home
in on magnetic north.
-Garth
Bad... I found out that almost no one around here has heard of
Cthulhu.
This is decidedly *not* bad. This is go-ooooooooooooood. Virgin
minds, ripe for the raping. (I find it works best if you liberally
squirt KY Jelly up the victim's nose beforehand.)
-Alloni 'n "Wes"
Note: This hoax is for entertainment purposes only. Any attempt to use
it for world domination will result in ridicule by your peers.
What if it works? (Easy answer: then you'll have no peers to
ridicule you. You'll have to ridicule yourself. Thus throwing off
the delicate internal mental balance that keeps you from making
nonsense even to yourself, and you'll have to get yourself licked
clean by your harem to compose yourself.)
-Hoax 'n Alloni
Diet Mountain Dew is one of the worst mistakes I've ever made - but
there's no high fructose corn syrup in it, so I'm temporarily safe
from mind-control devices.
-will.
It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the Internet must
be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The
cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www
and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 23:59 pm (GMT) on
March 31st until 00:01 am (GMT) on April 2nd. During that 24-hour
period, five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the
world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find. In
order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do
the following: 1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks
from their Internet connections. 2. Shut down all Internet servers, or
disconnect them from the Internet. 3. Disconnect all disks and
hardrives from any connections to the Internet. 4. Refrain from
connecting any computer to the Internet in any wy. We understand the
inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we
apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be
more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the
Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
-Internet Hoax
Official Abducted Arguement Tactics: ("Wes")
NOOOOOO!!! Never give up! Never admit to insufficient or erroneous
data! It's arrogant balderdash in the face of blind ignorance that
made this country GREAT!!! Remember, whenever confronted with
superior information, there is but one -- I say again, BUT ONE --
tactic to be used by any card-carrying American:
Deny everything, and launch immediate counter-accusations.
In this case, your opponent in debate could have been proven -- yes,
PROVEN -- wrong by simple virtue of late-breaking information
regarding the shape of the average carbon atom. For as anyone of the
most remote scientific bent knows, carbon atoms (or molecules, or
whatever) are shaped like tiny phalluses, and are therefore a perfect
match for all the gazillions of little twat-shaped orifices in the
average human stomach lining.
Or something. I wasn't really paying all that much attention...
Official Abducted Explanation of Sex: (Nathan Winant)
Alright, Jennifer, I suppose it's time we had this little talk.
You see, when a man and a woman love each other very very much, they
try to find ways of expressing that love -- by meeting in internet
chat room, dressing up in black vinyl and body paint, and sniffing
glue together. Then they meet in person. Then they run all around town
together to all the strip clubs and fetish shows and kennels and gay
bars and have lots and lots of angry, degrading, animal sex in all the
bathrooms of these places. Then they go to jail and manage to have sex
there by bribing the guards with money and drugs and by letting them
videotape it and join in. Then they get out of jail, but they actually
sort of liked being in jail, so the man takes the woman to the zoo at
night and takes off all of her clothes and smears her with mooshed
bananas and locks her in the monkey cage where he holds her against
the bars and violently bangs her from behind while the monkeys ravage
the rest of her naked body. And then they go to a church and the man
dresses up like a priest and the woman dresses up like a nun and lies
and tells the man that she took her birth control and then they have
sex on the altar, and then their parents make them get married, and
the woman always cries in bed at night and says she doesn't understand
why the man hates her so much or why he works so late at night or why
he drinks and screams and punches holes in the walls, even though she
knows damn well that it's all because she's an evil filthy lying whore
who trapped him because she's a goddamn co-dependant slut with no
self-esteem who's afraid of ever taking any responsibility for her own
goddamn actions and just wants to suck away all his money and make him
a prisoner in his own fucking home.
And that's where you came from. Now shut up and get me a fucking
scotch.
Official Abducted Disturbance: (Alloni Kramer's Subconscious)
Hi guys! Geez, it's swell to be here. I've been a lurker here on
abducted for a few years now, and, well, I'm just pleased as punch to
meet you all "face to face" for the first time!
I want to ravage Jennifer with a meat grinder and monkey organs.
Yes, as you may have guessed, I'm Alloni Kramer's Subconscious Mind.
Thanks to a terribly malignant brain tumor that Alloni won't become
aware of until it's far too advanced to be removed -- the same brain
tumor that's causing him to ignore this recent string of brief,
spontaneous narcoleptic attacks -- I've decided that, gosh darn it,
it's just about dang time I became a semi-regular participant on
abducted! You all seem like a swell bunch of folks, and I sure look
forward to joining in on all your "zany" discussions!
Smear me with dog food, Chris Wayne, I'll be your porn star. Lick!
Lick! Lick!
Well, looks like Alloni's about to wake up, so that's it for now I
suppose. See you all around real soon! Fnord!
Official Abducted Recap: ("Wes")
Over the past 24 hours I have...
...been in a car to New Orleans, exhausted from having finally
concluded seven back-to-back shifts (and three brief administrative
shifts) at work. 10 pts
The radio was playing classic rock and ' 60s stuff. +10 pts
I looked forward to enjoying the next three days off. + 50 pts
I was going to meet a friend. + 10 pts
It's a she. + 50 pts
She's from Japan. + 10 pts
We'd never met before; we only knew each other from online. - 30 pts
And she'll be staying until the 17th 0 pts
It turns out she's cute as hell... + 20 pts
...and *very* easy to get along with. Fun company! + 100 pts
Her luggage weighed three tons. - 20 pts
We passed back and forth a bottle of dirt-cheap, deliciously sweet
wine on the way back from New Orleans. + 30 pts
We ate at Waffle House, coz it was the only place we could find that
was open. - 100 pts
But despite said restaurant's status in the Wyrm's heart as a fomori
hatching ground, we actually had a rather good time there. + 10 pts
I took her to my ass-bag excuse for a hovel. - 50 pts
She liked the Christmas tree lights. + 20 pts
We took a shower together, and as I stripped for it I wondered again
whether my recent impotence was real or imagined. We'd soon find out.
O pts
It was imagined. + 100 pts
The shower was too cramped for the comfortable offer of head, and at
one point I think I nearly drowned. - 20 pts
So we barely took enough time to wash the soap out of our hair,
toweled each other off, and hurried to bed. + 50 pts
She's a firm believer in safe sex. + 50 pts
Condoms still detract a lot from the physical pleasure of the
experience for me. - 50 pts
I didn't last very long. - 300
It was still exquisite. + 100
A little later, she showed me some Japanese porn books. The women
were sooooo beautiful, utterly exotic and at the same time achingly
familiar. She could be one of them. (Hell, maybe she is in such a
magazine. Not a clue.) + 30
She sez I get to pick one o' the magazines to keep. + 30
The magazine thing pretty quickly led back to more sex. + 50
While she checked her email, I got 'fropped. + 10
She abstained. 0 pts
Once I'd gotten over that initial rollercoaster ride to the peak, we
had sex again. + 50
It was better even than the first time. Incredible. + 150
Then we slept. + 100
I was awakened this afternoon by her giving me head. + 100
We had sex a fourth time. + 40
I read about ()beron's Riddle, and felt bad for him. - 30
It got me thinking about the girl I'd recently fallen back in love
with, and then lost. - 50
I felt ineffectual toward offering any genuinely useful help. When I
tried, it left me feeling like an asshole. - 50
Then we began our laundry at the washeteria next door. + 10
Then we went to my restaurant and ate spinach con queso... + 30
...and some delicious salad... + 20
...and prime rib. + 100
And we drank Sam Adams'. + 20
Then turned in some movies at the library. Late return, but paid off
and behind me now. + 10
Then went home, put the clothes in the dryer, went back upstairs, took
another shower together, and had sex again. + 30
She noted that it had been five times, and that she was certain we
could hit ten before 24 hours had passed. - 50
I said I might die, and she laughed like I was joking. - 50
We finished the laundry, then went grocery shopping. + 10
The rum and Sam Adams were kinda expensive for my poor, recently
glutted tastes. - 10
But I was a sport about it, and it turned out my worries were in vain.
She refused to let me buy all the groceries, insisting she pay for
half. + 20
We went to Blockbuster and rented a few flicks, and I saw a possible
reprieve from this "ten times" goal. + 50
We went home, put away the groceries, and she decided "what the hell"
and 'fropped out with me. + 20
We then proceeded to ignore "Mystery Men" and have more sex. + 10
And then, a little later, more sex. - 20
But she conspired with the 'frop to make it exquisite again. + 80
Finally, she fell asleep. + 300
I started writing this post, then realized I was messing with Niece's
copyright. - 50
But it still feels good to sort through this last 24 hours. + 50
Net score: 1260 pts (I think...)
Official Abducted Coffeenated Rant: ("Wes")
Coffee is my sweetest friend this morning. Coffee is my sadistic
lover, my delicious whore, my gently tainted princess. Coffee will
see me through this eternal day, as it has carried me thorough a
sleepless night and another day before. Coffee.
Coffee is my landmark, an endless succession of depthless black pools
along the path. Coffee bridged the gaps between myself and my Asian
Sugar Mama, for she understood and unreservedly shared my regard for
its magnificence. Friday night, as I watched her turn $30 into more
than $700 on a slot machine at a New Orleans casino, I fell from grace
as is my occasional wont and washed my innards in bourbon, while she
placidly kept the faith and drank coffee. The following morning, the
day that I would take her to the airport, I was awakened in our cozy
little hotel room by the aroma of coffee. The brew was ready to
forgive my transgressions, and arranged for itself to be delivered to
my bed in a styrofoam cup by she, Asian Sugar Mama, inscrutable one,
deeply gazing one, concubine to the South American bean.
Perhaps three or four nights ago, I sat in Barnes and Noble with my
Asian Sugar Mama and a new acquaintance named Ann. Our discussions
were generally light, though Ann took a dim view of my opinion that
the differences between males and females are profound. She was of
the opinion that it's only a matter of plumbing. But I required no
evidence to justify my own views, for Ann drank tea and I drank
coffee. Q.E.D.
As it happens, Ursula K Le Guin reached out from the year 1969 to
support me after the fact, suggesting that gender is the greatest
single factor in one's life, utilized by most societies to determine
one's expectations, activities, outlook, ethics, manners -- almost
everything. Vocabulary. Semiotic usages. Clothing. Food. It was
too late to bounce these thoughts off of Ann's brain and see how she
responded... but no matter. Clearly, Ursula K Le Guin knows (knew?)
her coffees.
Coffee. My cup is empty now; I must have more. I train someone this
morning; does s/he presently tremble in hisser final hour of sleep,
nightmare images intruding into these last fragments of hisser dreams?
Soon s/he will gaze into the bloodshot and vacant infinity of my
hollow eyes, and s/he will know why it was so. "This maniac's blood
supply has to be made up of about 20% exhaustion poisons, 2% blood,
and 78% pure, undiluted coffee. BLACK coffee. I fear him."
I will train himmer well...
Anon.
Official Abducted There's-An-Idea Moment: ("Wes")
Ya ever wonder why only white males get elected president? Are women,
or people of other races, less qualified for the job? If so, then
why? And if not, then how might we best go about putting an end to
this?
Are tobacco and alcohol less dangerous than marijuana? If not, then
why is it legal to use them, but illegal to use pot?
What is the ratio of government spending between our military, our
education efforts, and our space program? Why?
Do you think your car's carbon monoxide emissions, combined with the
emissions of all the other cars around you, might represent a health
hazard to your children? Are there designs in existence for effective
alternatives to fossil fuels as the # 1 power source of personal
vehicles? (For pure hypothesis' sake, let's pretend that such designs
*do* exist, but that your average oil company has both the motivation
to buy and bury such patents, and the power to do so. Legally. On
the not necessarily accurate assumption that such massive amounts of
carbon monoxide emissions *do* represent a threat, then do the laws
protecting such behavior also become a threat, and therefore useless
as governing tools?)
Is human overpopulation a gravely dangerous problem? Do you suppose
it's getting worse, or better? If worse, then how *much* worse? Just
how great a threat does it represent to the average John Q Public?
What are his odds of reaching old age, as opposed to being just
another victim in a *serious* bit of die-back as Ma Nature finally
reasserts a necessary balance? And what about overpopulation's
by-products? Massive resource consumption and waste management?
Pretty bad, or doing okay? Getting worse or better? And what, if
anything, should our nation do about it?
If these, or other such questions, ever do cross your mind, then
here's a handy eddress from which you might hopefully get quick,
concise answers!
jesse_helms@helms.senate.gov
Yes, folks, on his homepage the Honorable Mr Helms has graciously
invited us to drop him a letter! We each enjoy the opportunity to
*ask* him *all about* these government-decision-related questions that
might occasionally trouble our otherwise blissful contemplations of
the utopian society that we call the "home of the brave."
Why single out Jesse Helms as the man with the answers? Well, hey,
he's a pretty influential guy in our government, no? He's a mover and
a shaker; his name is a household kinda word. (Or... well, um, two
words, actually. Jesse, and Helms. But I digress.) Naturally, with a
populace this HUGE to pick from, we should safely be able to expect
*all* of our government representatives to be the most fantastically
qualified sorts of folks for their demanding jobs. We should expect,
to quote MIB, the best of the best of the best. We might even expect
them to have highly informed opinions on just such questions as I've
imposed.
I betcha they do. Why, I bet the Honorable Mr Helms -- and, indeed,
each of his peers -- are just champing at the bit for a chance to tell
us exactly why our government has brought us to our present age, and
*exactly* how they plan to continue our nation's rapid trend of growth
until we reach an era of true social equality and environmental
responsibility.
C'mon. What say let's each drop him a line and see what he has to
say. Ya game?
Cheers!
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