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Funny. I pictured Dennis Franz in crotchless panties. ugh.
  -Chris Wayne  (don't we all?)

I need a massage. Or booze. As I'm not likely to get a massage in the 
near future, I guess I'll make a trip down to the liquor store.....
  -Nathan Winant

Here at Abducted MeatFarms, we take our time handcrafting emails just 
like your grandmother would. We lovingly pick only the ripest topics, 
juiciest threads, and most socio-emotionally debilitating memes. Then 
we lovingly slice them apart, fry them to a crispy golden-brown, and 
defile the Blessed Mary -- as mother, virgin, _and_ whore. Sure, it 
takes a little bit longer, and the Pope has called for our heads more 
than once, but we think it's worth it to make every batch just as good 
as it can be. So sit back, relax, and enjoy Abducted MeatFarms email
-- we think you'll be able to taste the homemade goodness in every 
bite. And don't forget to try our delicious new flavors -- sour cream 
'n' onion, tx^3 memetic BBQ, and aborted alien godhead foetus.
  -Nathan Winant

Actually, I must take you to task on this. The politically correct 
term is "dirty jap food".
  -Nathan Winant

The greased Jesus catching contest begins at noon! Sharp!
  -Gary Sommer

Damn alien skull probes.
In my experience it's not the _skull_ probes that hurt....
-will. 'n Paul And then there was this pygmy trying to sell me shiny bits of rock for $3. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Abducted!: It's like Ask Jeeves only better. -Mark T. Doner i hate porn sites that think that group means more than one. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Yeah, I'll never forget the time I needed a hooker and Pimp Daddy Nathan had her on my doorstep in less than an hour! Thanks Abducted! -Paul Dito I'll go _camping_ with Uncle Verio if he will get me something like that... -Jason Everybody else is toodling around on schwinns, while I've managed to find myself a unicycle without a seat. -Nathan Winant (stirring image) I'm sure we can find a nice dildo to attach to the pole where the seat is supposed to go. Wouldn't that be nice? Just like the aliens but bumpier. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin If you love coffee, give it up. If you come back to it, you're its bitch. If you don't, it was never even your ho. This inspiring thought brought to you by someone. -Nathan Winant California misses you Nathan. -Paul Dito long is the road to ruin, and it is paved with candy bars and candy stripers and candied strippers. wide is the road to ruin and it is slicked with molasses and honey and crushed up peanut butter cups. Deep is the road to ruin and filled with aardvarks and peanuckle and sloathes and various beasties. pumpernickle is the road to ruin and lined with the intestines of God. Chartreuse is the road to ruin and pickled with ham buttons and just a touch of rosemary. smelly is the road to ruin as it is paved and filled and lined and stoked with the aforementioned ickiness. lonely is the road to ruin and the smell has driven away the strangers. ruined is the road to ruin and the potholes are wreaking havoc on my front-end alignment. Would somebody please fix this goddamned road so I can get back to ruining myself? -Jennifer Lynn Larkin I need a chiropractor. Or at least a masseuse. A busty masseuse. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin I will destroy you first. -Alloni Kramer I hate my mindless, monotonous, aggrivating, pointless, corporate cocksuckin', soul-eating piece of bullshit dog crap job. -will. I will neither confirm nor deny my present requirement of destruction, upon the grounds that said testimony might serve to (further) incriminate me. However, I *will* point out that I've attached a bomb to the beer I'd brought. Destroy me, and I'm taking it out with me. -"Wes" God hates me. -will. My thought processes are a little too linear for my own good. -will. Always quote Winston Churchill at interviews, show a little leg, and don't be afraid to dress in a catholic schoolgirl outfit. (Something _nice_ please, like a plaid skirt and blouse -- none of those tacky jumpers.) -Nathan Winant Not that it matters. It's hard for a woman to go wrong with a chainmail bikini. I think men would be far, far easier to control if they came into serious fashion. -"Wes" Jordan. From Real Genius. I think I love her. -Alloni Kramer Beanie Babies don't shoot lightning out of their eyes when you utter the command word. -will. (you need the _right_ beanie babies) Alas.. You must quest for a chick that doesn't sand her floors with an industrial-sized stripper. Varnish stripper, not hooker/sexy/titties stripper. -will. (would be kinda neat, though) Dude, Lighty is ~so~ sold out. He only has 40 lightning charges before he's worthless anyway.. Beanie Cthulus have unlimited charges, and their power comes directly from the realm of the Qlippoth! C'mon! That's so rad! -will. Thanks, by the way, to all of you. I appreciate the assistance. Handjobs for all!!! -will. You ain't gonna send the goons after me, are ya? I TOLD you, the check is in the mail, already. -Wes I was in a cute little powder blue Subaru station wagon with balding tires. Each time the wind blew as I crossed the Mississippi River bridge, I'd change lanes without meaning to. -Wes I hear ya. Something about hyperactive smart girls with cleopatra cuts and bib-alls that gets me all grraaawuurr inside. -Eric Gustafson mmmmmmmmmmmmm... brain juice... -Jennifer Lynn Larkin I read this as "Yeah, but I don't get to poke them and make people lick." That's more like what I would have expected from you... -Paul Dito My resume was lacking things that employers wanted to see, so I put it there for them. Thanks "Just lie on your resume."! -Jason Don't make me drive over there to kill you. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Well, I do have the same birthday as Satan. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Yay! A cult! Can I join? Hail! Hail! -Paul Dito chink, gook, whatever. they're all squinty-eyed bastards. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin There's got to be a dirty joke in there somewhere. I task you abducted, run with it, I say! RUN! -Khanh Nguyen I pull random hairs out of my eyebrows and they turn out to be an inch long. Makes me feel like a mad scientist in a bad way.
Since when is there a bad way to feel like a mad scientist?
-Jennifer 'n Alloni I have mad-scientist eyebrow phobia. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Thanks whitey large breasted woman! -Paul Dito I have a Powerpuff doll. "Bubbles". -Funky J On the other hand, on this list, it takes something impressive to be TOO scary. Considering cwayne's collection of heads in his freezer, for example. Or Nathan's massive crack habit. Or my habit of occasionally stalking, slaughtering, and serving as hamburger random list members. -Alloni Kramer OK. I'll trust ya. If I'm dead tomorrow, you all know who did it.
Yeah, that's what Bean said, and yet Alloni still walks free.
-Jennifer 'n Khanh You had gender with my sister? -Dr. E. Von Obnox That's understandable. There are some serious problem with Erectus Male 4.0. I don't know how it ever got through beta testing. The interface is unresponsive, the error messages come up at all the wrong times and they're way too loud, plus, most units have this weird body hair and smells. And the whole beer requirement gets expensive. They never pick up after themselves and frankly, most of them suck in bed. I mean, what the hell else are they for? The extra height is handy sometimes, but I can buy a ladder pretty cheaply. They're really only useful for two things: sex and getting us pregnant. I've even heard that some of the current model is sterile. Who bogus idea was that? And some are *gasp* IMPOTENT! So some of them potentially have neither of the two benefits. I just don't understand how they got out of beta. Hurrah for those women dedicated to solving the problem of Erectus Male model 4.0. We can only hope that 4.1 fixes some of these bugs without creating even more problems. Erectus Male 4.0: slightly more stable than windows with a bad smell. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin (i feel complimented) I, like the truth, am still out there. And, as you well know, Garth has always been rather out there. -Chris Wayne A cow-orker just finished chemotherapy, and his hair is starting to grow back. Yesterday I saw him scratch his chest, and he pulled out a hair that was at least three inches long. THAT is mad science. -Chris Wayne There's a really easy solution to that problem. Kill everyone you work with.
That's your solution to everything.
-Jennifer 'n Chris They are a front for a secret government agency whose diabolical mission is to rent apartments to big-breasted women. The fiends! -Chris Wayne I swear. I did not eat Garth. *burp* -Jennifer Lynn Larkin And P.S. If the posting of my addy here results in the arrival of assassins, feces, IRS agents, DEA agents, SAS agents, cauliflour, hoodies, raw earth, male strippers, or cold pizza on my doorstep, I will POUT AT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. Not a pretty sight, my pouts. I practice in front of mirrors. Until they crack. Usually takes about five seconds. Something to do with inbreeding, a few generations back. (le shrug) -"Wes" sealant is our friend. Did you ask your dentist about sealant?
Yah. She blew it off... sed it was mostly used on teenagers and stuff. Fed me some other eyewash. I considered getting huffy, but then she bared one of her breasts and, as she no doubt planned, I completely lost track of the thread.
-Jennifer 'n "Wes" recent threads... "I just want" "... to sleep" "... with Jennifer" The abducted collective unconscious chooses odd ways of expressing itself..... -Nathan Winant everybody do the spanky booty dance! -Jennifer Lynn Larkin No. I'm an eight-foot purple-skinned alien named Doug. -will. But then, this hardly proves anything. I want to sleep with *everyone*. I want to sleep with inanimate objects. Remember that horse cop we discussed? I wanted the cop, the horse, and that drunk that we watched them trample for jaywalking. One day I'm gonna figure out how to stiffen air up a little bit, just enough to gimme some friction when I slip into it, so's I can nail the atmosphere itself. One day I'm gonna solve the mysteries of what lies beyond the veil of death, so I can track down the ghosts and devirginize the lot of them. And those distant stars, up in the sky? They think they're sooooooo safe from my toweringly turgid tool... Heh. Silly stars. -"Wes" Wait wait wait. Is Garth a perl script? Cause if I'm a perl script and he's a physical embodiment of somethingerother, I couldn't eat him. And he seems so tasty. And I bought a barbeque grill just for that.
Well, you're not much of a perl script, or you'd know that you're more than capable of using... peripherals. Ah yeah, baby. Let's mount /dev/nasty and get to it.....
-Jennifer 'n Nathan Why doncha come a little closer so I can flash your bios.... -Jennifer Lynn Larkin But I won't "do the deed" unless I get McDonald's beforehand.. Okay, here we go. You buy me McDonald's. We'll get jiggy wit' it, and if you're not satisfied I'll regurgitate it all over Famboni, or whoever it is at work that you don't like who's name starts with F. Either way, you win. Deal? -will. Should you get this, even if you don't Get it, which is fine. I even don't sometimes, and I'm watching from a better perspective. It all seemed to make sense at the time. Internal maundering. Crossed nasal passages. Crossed eyes crossed wits crossed synapses making an all new and interesting - Look! Three bald cubic zirconia! -Alloni Kramer Ougadougo is the capital of Burkina Faso, better known as Upper Volta. I will win Jeopardy with this information. My geography instructor told me so. -Alloni Kramer Jen, how drunk did you get? "Wes", how was the baseball game <wink>? Did you round the bases <wink><wink>? And Jennifer.. I'm not implying that you are a slut, I'm just implying that you're easy. -Jason I'll give anything to you, babycakes. I can call you babycakes, right?
You sure can Will... I thought you would never ask.
-will. 'n Babyca.. err Jason. I think chicken. -Alloni Kramer (by request) Excellent. We are now one perfectly balanced smelling unit. I was gonna put "harmonic", but I figured that'd stir peoples minds a little too briskly. Purée only, don't liquefy. -will. See? It's a symbiotic relationship. We demand quotes from you, thereby giving to an activity to slack with. This powerful, channeled slack slowly hones your chakras, attuning you to full control of The Slack, and thereby the world around you (or at least your relationship to it). Meanwhile, by providing us with quotes you give us something easy to slack to, and inspire us to further slackdom with the promise of having future messages posted. Everybody wins! I'm Nathan Perkins, and this is Nathan Slackographic's Wild Abducted. -Nathan Winant (so _that's_ why i do it) Life is good. I want for nothing. In my current path through life, I am growing happy, fat, and contented (not necessarily in that order). This is all a bit shocking to me. Why is it that I can not perceive the impending doom that must be stealthily creeping up behind me? Why hasn't anybody smited me yet? Verily, even as we speak the darkness that is to come is taking shape in some shadowy corner of the world. Well, I had better enjoy it while it lasts. -Jonathan Mayer Can music algorithmically composed to stimulate specific brain-responses be far behind? Shades of macross! "I don't really want to buy Happy Product, but I've got this jingle stuck in my head that's doing funky things to my visual cortex..." -Jonathan Mayer SMITE!!! (from behind) There now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Feel better? -Marhod Desperate for some sort of hydration and an end to the constant dry hack my throat seems to have established, I ingested Brita water. It didn't taste like B.O., like it has in the past, so I drank more. It's not that bad. I love it at the end of the summer when the overgrowth of algae due to the excessive water use and overblown humidity takes control and leaves the water once it has passed through the filter with a slightish blue tint and a good-interesting [read slightly chemically in a good way] minty taste. Perhaps it's the new filter or the recent addition of baking soda I made to the fridge, but the water tastes normal <as normal as normal can be in this. place.>. I'm afraid to drink it too often. Afraid that recognizing my new enjoyment for homegrown [read filtered] water, it would reinherit the nasty taste. I figured out the secret to the filter, though. There are pockets in it. Tiny little pockets filled with explosions of Cl. When H2O passes through the pockets, a reaction occurs. I'm not sure of the exact balance equation of this quite possibly single - much more likely double - displacement but I get the main jest of things. Anyway, the Cl seeps through infiltrating every vicinity of the compound which we call <in this crazy place where nothing is quite what it seems> "water." -litho Lesee... There was ghx, who moved to fort worth from key largo or wherever the hell it was, say, three years ago? There was me, about a year and a half ago. And there's alloni, who's moving out here now. ... Which means we can expect a new abductee in Texas right around, ooh, August 2001. -Nathan Winant T.A.G.C. Meontological Society. Audio that causes orgasms. I really need to make copies of that cd to send out. MP3 just wouldn't cut it. We might lose important frequencies. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin (well?) I live in californy. Most of you live elsewhere. In different time zones. Time zones at least two some hours away. Howcome you can respond to me so quickly? For a two hour timezone difference, that's two hours there, two hours back, for a grand total of what should be a four hour trip. It must all be a lie. -Alloni Kramer (i know the truth now) I'm in Colorado.. only one hour away. I inject my computer with steroids and force it to take methamphetamines, so the emails go really really fast and sometimes don't make sense and have attitude problems and stuff. Coffee cake. -will. Yay! My groin is happy now! -will. ... No, clearly the solution is a violent overthrow. Being the power behind the thronew is fun and cool and all subterfuge-like, but at times like this the limitations of the position really show. So, violent, bloody revolution it is. -Nathan Winant And so I am faced with a choice: destroy my soul to save it from utter base corruption, or allow it to turn all dark and ooky and redmond-esque. Combined with the need for a bloody coup, only one path presents itself: I must become VP of marketing. -Nathan Winant (noooooooooooooooooooooooo......) I wouldn't mind exchanging an ultimate, perpetual state of Zen for a happy-feeling penis, to be perfectly honest. -will. Then you'll have to call me Miss Jackson. -Garth Nobody make fun of me for being inexperienced or I'll make some C-4.. and something you value will explode. -will. I like flame wars. Being an asshole is fun. I discovered this on Saturday night under the influence of MDMA. I did not discover that I am a happy, caring person. Fuck you all. Except Jennifer. And Khanh. And mmmmmmaybe Alloni. I'm thirsty. -will. (unleash your hatred... turn to the dark side...) Okay.. Uhh.. I have a girlfriend, but not a boyfriend.. though people joke about me fucking my roommate sometimes. It never happens though. I swear! Seriously! -will. OK. I hereby officially retroactively stop posting. You're welcome. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin why aren't you sending me any email?
'Cos you smell like a dead goat. Take a shower, hippie!
-Jennifer 'n will. Nobody here but us bipolar Christmas octopuses.. octopii.. octopusses.. Whatever. -will. She needs to get fucked in the ass or have something equally stereotypically demeaning happen to her. -will. Hmmm, fancy that. Maybe it's an Asian thing.. Khanh, are you a pimp?
You got my money bitch?
-will. 'n Khanh Does this mean we're gonna have sex? -will. Survey: Is it "High-pier-ee-ull" or "High-per-reel"? Get the answer right and you'll recieve a good solid spanking and the rest of my Subway sandwich. -will. (doin' good fer a newbie) Hell yeah, dude. That fuckin' carpet genie has terrified me since I was a young'n. Though I guess I'll be a young'n until I stop saying "dude". Goddamned SoCal upbringing. -will. PIGFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT FUCKING WORTHLESS BITCH WHORE OUTLOOK DID IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! IT WON'T EVEN LET ME DO THINGS THE *DIFFICULT* WAY!!!!!!!!! ARGH! FUCK! KILL!!!!!!! -Nathan Winant (mock his pain!) Who Wants A Million Spanks With The Rest Of Will's Subway Sandwich. -Jason I don't want to come across as uncaring, but HA HA HA! -Jason FUCK! KILL!!!!!!!
Which will it be, then?
the only question is, "In what order?"
-Nathan 'n "Wes" 'n Jennifer I have a knack for getting odd fortune cookie fortunes. "No matter what you wear, your expression is the most noticeable." -Alloni Kramer I'm rather fond of "and then you die" as a fortune cookie suffix.. but "in bed" is.. well.. directly related to sex, and therefore better than death. Unless you're a mummy. -will. You'd probably come to Australia and think we were lazy, beer swilling slackers who spent too much time in the pub or spending time sitting in cafes or watching cricket and wonder how we ever got anything done. -Felix Goddamn aliens.
piss in their shadow
-will. 'n Felix Tractor beam operator: $.50-$1 Probist: $5-7 Memory wipebeing (pre-procedure): $1-5 -Nathan Winant (other tipping amounts) if i learned german and developed an intense hatred for the human race, berlin or munich would be cool. i could take paris by force, change the official state language to english (or esperanto. ha. ha. mwua. mwuahyahahahahaHAHAHAAHAAHHAAAAAAA!!!!), and move there. tokyo just scares me. or i could move to hong kong and forever be with alan moore. -Nathan Winant Remember, felix, you're dealing with the country that originated fast food. You're dealing with the country where someone will stroll into a mcdonald's and throw a hissy fit because their meal for a family of four was not delivered within five minutes. And why all this? Why this psychotic obsession with convenience? Why this twisted compulsion for immediate gratification? I, for one, blame the Germans. -Nathan Winant Based on this, it would appear that the german culture revolves = largely around parentally-instilled neurosis, draconian parental control = systems, deep-seated resentment for ones parents, and kloben bread) -Nathan Winant (and his german heritage) So I take it you're not dead. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin You wouldn't like it. Roundeyes are burnt at the stake there these days.
They're just tasty is all.
Oh, I'm sure they have their reasons for doing it. Still, whether or not I'll make a bunch of tasty hor d'oeurves afterwards, I, personally, don't particularly feel like being burnt at the stake.
-Alloni 'n Khanh 'n Alloni Gook food for everyone. -Khanh Nguyen and picked up a bottle of chocolate milk, complete with the text "this product contains a milk like substance". -Felix YOU need to entertain ME with the parameter that ME has to exert little or no effort. ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! -Khanh Nguyen (insistant) I need a beanie propeller hat, though. I mean, a cane would be nice, but I need a beanie propeller hat. People could tell me mood by my hat. "Oh. You're wearing all black and have your tophat. You feel dark and brooding." And then I could paint the beanie hat black and just confuse everyone. -Alloni Kramer I did have a brilliant idea. I need a link on my home page, saying "Give Alloni money! Click here to learn how!" And the link would lead to a credit card transaction server, allowing random strangers to show their pity for me by giving me money. People could use it to pay my paychecks with. It would be brilliant. I'd be a millionaire in a week, if only a million people visited the page and gave a dollar apiece, and I'm sure that would be the minimum donation. -Alloni Kramer (it's still a good idea) Damn this suicidal language! -Khanh Nguyen Bah, you're better off this way. San Francisco is filled with queers, deviants, and leather. You'd hate it. -Nathan Winant (of course jen would) Don't torment Jennifer like that, Nathan. It's just cruel. And, fun though it is to be meaninglessly cruel, it's even better to build up those around you. To support them, help them grow strong as people. And then destroy them when they least expect it and are most vulnerable. I thought better of you. -Alloni Kramer Ok, I'll do a happy dance... La la he he la ho ho he he da dum dum da da da hum he la... There! Are you happy, now? -Jason All media of the spontaneous happy dances are top secret and will not be made pubic. -Jason Sheesh, guy learns a little dns and he thinks he knows fuckin' everything... -Khanh Nguyen And I can't sleep with you because of that whole Spring Break, tidal wave, dream thing. I wouldn't want my need for sex to be responsible for any more deaths. Than necessary. -Garth You taunting me person person. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin So no trying to make me hallucinate, ok?
Well that's no fun. You're poopy.
-Jennifer 'n will. Garth moves in mysterious ways. Question not the will of Garth. -Chris Wayne You're oogie. -will. Yeah, but there's the whole "I'm being strangled" thing. If I was going to go out whilst having an orgasm I'd just buy a whole bunch of heroin and get smacky with my bad self. -will. I'm too arrogant to let another human kill me. Aliens, on the other hand, can fuck and strangle me all they want. -will. Oh god, I know _exactly_ what you're talking about! When I'm having sex with someone I LOVE to smother their face with a pillow, or jab my thumbs into their trachea, or just wrap my hands around their neck and squeeze until their face turns blue and they start choking up spittle. My neighbors really appreciate it, too. I think they like the fact that I'm pretty quiet, although occasionally I might scream out something "Oh yes, baby!" or "Die, you filthy whore!" or "Who's the mommy NOW, you bitch! Who's the mommy *NOW*!" I think most of my dates realize that's a rhetorical question, so they don't really bother to answer. In fact, most of my dates tend to be pretty quiet. In fact, I haven't heard anything from my last one for weeks. Well, not since I soundproofed the closet. -Nathan Winant Why would we try and make you think? -Jason Aren't the Aussies the authority on this?
not breathing while having an orgasm?
-Khanh 'n Jennifer Why do you think we're evil?
Because I've talked to you before.
-Jason 'n Jennifer Does a noble cause give us the right to play God?
Absolutely. Particularly if it's financially lucrative.
-Nathan 'n Chris Guinness. Fresh blood with Guinness. Tasty.
Not to be sick or anything, but that actually sounds pretty good.
-Jennifer 'n Chris Like it takes SO much to make an English teacher start screaming. -Chris Wayne I prefer not to have my ass modified or misplaced. -Chris Wayne If all despotic overlords felt guilty about abusing the infinite power they have seized, nothing would ever get done. Revel in it. -Chris Wayne Khanh, were you born here or is you an alien?
Got the probes to prove it.
-Jennifer 'n Khanh (prove which?) So that we can channel her thoughts into socially acceptable paths, of course. If she doesn't think, she achieves a state of Zen oneness with everything, and that we cannot allow. -Alloni Kramer Ah, yesterday included an interesting staff trip to the coffee shop. ALL ABOARD THE CRACK TRAIN!!! -Jennifer Lynn Larkin I'm giving my coworkers sushi face. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin (sounds dirty) wake up, jennifer... the matrix has you -Nathan Winant I should open a pub. Complete with counter meals, feral Djs, and good bottles of plonk. -Felix Unfortunately, no one can be told what the matrix is... ... well, actually, they can. But then it's not nearly as funny to watch their expression. -Nathan Winant I will plead the default male case that any healthy young viril homo sapien with a penis craves to sleep with any large-breasted, witty, cutie female.
I originally read that as "homosexual with a curved penis" which sorta made the rest of the sentence fairly confusing.
-Khanh 'n Chris There is a high probability that I'm a mutant. I'm sure that doesn't surprise you, but I feel that it is my patriotic duty to let you know... -Jennifer Lynn Larkin My long-distance mutant powers carrier has great rates. -will. Damn, and I was gonna use that as an ice-breaker to proposition you for sex too.
What about your wife?
She can proposition you on her own damn time.
-Khanh 'n Jennifer 'n Khanh My mutant power is to cause wedgies over great distances. Watch out!
haHA! YOU ARE (almost) POWERLESS AGAINST ME!!!!!!!! I don't wear underwear! Except when hygienically necessary. AND YOU SURE DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME ANGRY THEN... Then you want to give me chocolate and painkillers and a nice fuzzy thing to squish. *squish*
-Gark 'n Jennifer important announcement baccarat != Burt Bacharach -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Alas. Once a dork, always a dork. I'll never be "kool"! I hate myself! -will. Not to say that _Captain America_ wasn't a cinematic masterpiece...... -Nathan Winant (okay, you have to have seen it to find this amusing. sue.) NO! Don't you see? This is IT! This is your big chance to found the Abducted Kool Kidz Klub! We can get special treats on our birthday, win cool prizes, and dress up in white bedsheets! It's the best! -Nathan Winant I didn't realize that chocolate is involved in the conspiracy. This changes things... -will. commie bastard! Oh wait. That's me. Nevermind. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin I'm rather fond of "and then you die" as a fortune cookie suffix.. but "in bed" is.. well.. directly related to sex, and therefore better than death.
How about "and then you die... in bed"?
-will. 'n Chris While I, on the other hand, have become wealthy beyond my most moderately conservative dreams. -Chris Wayne Clearly not. If we are all figments of your imagination, we are all right there in your head, so response time would be neglible. If, on the other hand, you are a figment of my/our imagination(s), you would not perceive any time lapse between one time that I/we think about you and the next. Or, most likely, the world is actually far smaller than you believe it is. You really should go outside more often. -Chris Wayne Behold... The Spud o' Christ!!! -Nathan Winant My mutant power is to be able to smoke dope all the time, and claim that I'm not addicted. -Funky J I plot elaborate revenge. But only for a moment. Not particularly elaborate revenge. Basically, I just wander up and beat you with an artichoke. -Alloni Kramer And I am your Nemesis, No-Pants Man!!!
You are a faux nemesis. My arch foe is Nekkid Man
How about if I just wore the cape?
-Garth 'n Gark 'n Garth SUGGER! SUGGER FOUL FIEND! I don't know what suggering is, mind you. Typed it, decided it looked neat and needed to be used. I may define it if it becomes needful. The nice thing about using words that no one else knows is that you can define them _after_ they have been used. Thus changing the entire course of conversations with the power of your mind. It's psychic. -Alloni Kramer Parts of my anal cavity can sing showtunes from the mid 1950's. -Jason Hmmmm.. I was thinking more along the lines of penalty of spoiled cheesecake. Ever smelled one of those? It's nasty. -will. SO I took this "What is your superpower" test yesterday and it said that I'm psychic. Well, tell me something I don't know already. Oh, wait... -Jennifer Lynn Larkin DEATH TO DOCTOR CHINKY!!! -Jennifer Lynn Larkin We aim to, um, be aimless. -Jennifer Lynn Larkin I'm a fuckin' mutant.
That's OK. I respect your lifestyle choice. Please don't touch me.
-will. 'n Chris You hate me? *sniff* That's OK. I don't care what you think. *sniff* Does anyone have a tissue? I, uh, have something in my eye. *sob* -Chris Wayne Eat my ass! Like.. consume. Eat. Digest. Not "eat" like.. well.. y'know.. uh huh huh..
How would you like to be prepared? Felix has some good recipes.
Something with garlic in it. I like garlic.
-will. 'n Chris 'n will. Hold your head up high, and let your axillary vapors waft, Girl!! Be an olfactory trend-setter! -Dr. E. Von Obnox Umm....I wasn't aware that bean scanned her *boobs*.
Was it something else that she scanned? GIF! GIF!
There were jokes about Sarlak pits I believe. =o
No wonder bean's gone.
-Khanh 'n Jennifer 'n Khanh 'n Jennifer Well, you know how us young, inexperienced upstartish trepanists are. -will. I don't believe that you are trepanned. HEY! MY SPELL CHECKER LIKES TREPPANED!!! Cool! -Jennifer Lynn Larkin <wedgie> </wedgie> Your anus now sings an octave higher due to the Wedgie Effect -Gark Sommer <WOW! 3 quotes by funkyj> kewl, I'm getting funnier... soon I'll be able to make all of you spill your bongs -Funky J (keep tryin', man) uh... i guess i was coalhada@avalon.sul.com.br .then i unsubbed, but it is impossible. and i was resubbed retroactively so the world un ended. then god punished me. making me a zombie. but i personally prefer the term undead as zombie was used all these years in a destructive way. and what the fuck, i´m in bolivia again. -Rafael Lemke the lemke threat has been neutralized. On with plan A!!! -Jennifer Lynn Larkin Make simple ratios of the finer things in life. How do they balance with the pieces of shit that rain down on you? You might just find that it has a simple molar ratio. The Law of Conservation of Raw Emotion. -litho -Talked with Mum about smoking pot. -Talked with stepdad about anal sex. -Threatened to anally rape stepfather. -Ate a Twinky instead. -will. (his day) Man! There were so many more chicks then! Where'd all the chicks go?
They all found Internet dates and then didn't need the net anymore...
Don't you mean they found Internet husbands, got Internet married, and are now Internet barefoot and pregnant?
-Jennifer 'n Funky 'n Nathan Official Abducted Gook Jokes: (Jennifer Lynn Larkin) Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, smells like semen and has a high protein (and/or sucrose) content? Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, giggles like a newly spanked schoolgirl, vibrates like Mr. Excito and smells like teen spirit? Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, sings like Barbara Streisand and falls in a mud puddle with the pig that previously fell in the mud puddle? Looks like *gook*, tastes like liver, feels like bologna and smells like one too? Official Abducted Seventh Seal: (Nathan Winant) I... I guess... I.... It seemed so simple. Take the Gift Of Knowledge. Unwrap it. Clean it up. And give it to the world. Just as I've done in the past. Many gifts, many wrappings, many times before. It... It seemed so SIMPLE. So INNOCENT. But sometimes, wrapping has Power. The worst kind of Power. And one thing led to another. And kicking and screaming, I was dragged under, against my will. I never meant for this to happen. I have morals. I have principles. I have ethics. Morals, principles, ethics of a curious nature perhaps, but I nonetheless have them. I adhere to them. And never in my darkest nightmares did I imagine they could become so corrupted, so perverted. I never meant for this to happen. It deprived me of sleep. It obfuscated the only truths that could save me. And in this dark, directionless void, It silently wrapped the tentacles of its unholy logic around my mind, And drank me in to a vortex. of Pain. of Fear. of Madness. I never meant for this to happen. ... My name was Nathan Winant. I am an ASP programmer. Official Abducted Expression: (Nathan Winant) "Sodomize kangaroos" being an american expression of enthusiastic approval. ie, "You got paid a hundred bucks for lying on your back for fifteen minutes? Wow! That really sodomizes kangaroos!" It can also be used to refer to oneself or others as being being cool, relaxed, laid-back. ie: "Oh, show up whenever. We sodomize kangaroos." translates to "Oh, show up whenever. We're pretty laid-back." It should also be noted that americans love to show off their little-known but highly-developed sense of irony by responding to this expression with a look of bewilderment, bemusement, or occasionally, disgust. When being referred to as someone who "sodomizes kangaroos" it is also relatively common for an american to respond with insult, rage, or sometimes even outright physical violence. This is the american's way of repaying the compliment, as if to say, "I may be pretty cool, but as this display shows, you are even cooler, my friend." These responses should be graciously accepted, and perhaps even repaid with similar, flattering americanisms such as, "I don't care what anyone says, at twenty bucks a pop there's no way your mom is overpriced", or the ever-popular, "You know, I used to molest a blind six-year old boy who lived down the street from me. I can still remember him crying in the courtroom -- still gives me a chuckle. Funny thing is, they never could pin it on me...", or simply, "I'll KILL you! God help me, I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL RIP YOUR HEART RIGHT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING CHEST!!!!!"