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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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It must be a good day. I've already started off a new religion.
-Alloni Kramer
In that case, I won't not not tell you everything about the dream not not
not in this format. But I could be lying.
-Alloni Kramer
I got out of the shower one day and thought to myself that I needed a copy
of underwear. We are geek, you will be assimilated.
-Jason
My graphing calculator can beat up your calculator. I mean, unless its a
higher model or and HP or something.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Bottom line? Get a roommate that agrees with you. That'll make everything
better.
-Paul Dito
Looks like I lost a day somewhere. I think I lost Monday. I remember
yesterday. And today is Wednesday. So there must have been a Monday
stolen. It's all right. I can do without a Monday here and there, as long
as nothing important happens on it.
-Alloni Kramer
So you're... I dunno. Parsing the food isn't quite right. Synthesizing is
correct, but not very interesting. Although you can sound all space-age
and say "I'm going to synthesize dinner now!" and then disappoint everyone
when they realize you don't have a giant Electro-atomic Quantum
Transmogrifier in your kitchen. You could say you're going to manipulate
the food, or better still, that you're going to act upon the food -- of
course, then nobody's going to want to eat at your place ever ever again.
WAIT! I'VE GOT IT! You're normalizing the food. No, wait, that doesn't
work either. Aw, fuck it. Why can't you just say you're going to
masturbate with the dinner and be normal?
-Nathan Winant
I was drunk. I didn't argue.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
All of the pizza lifeforce is squished out, thus executing the pizza. This
should only be done in cases where the pizza has been tried and convicted
by a jury of its peers on a charge of 1st degree tongue burning.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's not an argument. I'm right, you're not, and I just need to make you
realize that through my superior intellect, greater knowledge of the
subject in question, and my Wacky Witticisms. I'm not arguing so much as
educating in a very, very condescending tone of voice -- like all good
teachers should. Oh my lord. Slowly, I become more and more like Garth.
The horror. THE HORROR!!!
-Nathan Winant
You misspelled honor.
-Garth
I don't think that's it at all. Arguably, no one now living understands
the universe better than Stephen Hawking. What if that intimate knowledge
has warped his fragile mortal flesh, crippling his frail human form? Some
things man was never meant to know.
-Chris Wayne
Miss Manners for Perverts Tip #20: It is impolite to mention someone's
throat calluses. You're lucky that you get the opportunity to feel them.
Remember to send a thank you card within 48 hours!
-Chris Wayne
Brilliant minds also sound just like dumb ones when they are stepped on.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
But brilliant minds splatter so much better when you pass a 44 caliber
slug through them. I mean, not that I know or anything.
-Paul Dito
Sorry. I recently developed a life. I won't let it happen again.
-Chris Wayne
Kids today, with the symbolic differentiation and polynomials. Doesn't
anybody just ADD anymore??
-Chris Wayne
The Abducted Fungus. Spreads undetected, and stays crunchy in milk.
-Jason
Life outside abducted?! Is there such a thing?
-Khanh Nguyen
FAME! I'm gonna live forever! Light up the sky like a flame, FAME!
Damn you for polluting my brain with your infernal memes...
-Jenn 'n Michael
I am become Pestilence, destroyer of worlds.
-Chris Wayne
I am become Contagion, cougher on Chris Waynes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wanna be disturbed? http://www.austin2k.org/. They are -- I swear to you,
I'm not making this up* -- they are actually going to re-purpose the old
airport to serve as gigantic drunk tank. Let me repeat that in blatantese:
THEY ARE GOING TO TURN THE AIRPORT INTO A PRISON CAMP. It will be Evil. In
a BAD way.
-Nathan Winant
I thought everyone in texas was there against their will anyway. Are you
implying people go there on purpose?
-Paul Dito
I am going to ramble. Split up into two camps now. Camp A will be my
willing army of robotic slaves, and Camp B will be the deathcamps. I have
the gas piping with me. (For those of you who think this in bad taste, I
have excuses. I blame society. I've been hanging around Nathan for too
long. I do actually have gas piping with me, and that started off the
whole train of thought. My mother beat me when I was young. I didn't
inhale. (I did inhale. I'm lying about that one.) I'm too young to know
any better. My keyboard makes clickyclicky noises when I type. Fiendish
allure of the clickyclicky noises.)
-Alloni Kramer
Oh well, what was I expecting from MS anyway? For them to do it right? My
mistake.
-Gary Sommer
... I do not understand I am asleep I do not comprehend please please help
me i'm dying help help
-Alloni Kramer
Personally, I've always had an odd fetish for men.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Except for Wednesdays, regardless of how lazy I am about riding the rest
of the week I rarely miss the Wednesday night "group ride".
-Trevor Walton (quotes added)
Odd. I've always had this odd fetish for fish. Women! I meant women!
-Alloni Kramer
Alloni IS the Drag King. He can accessorize anything.
-Khanh Nguyen
No, cause women do male drag and that would be more appropriate for them.
Maybe you are Drag Sarcasm Boy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So I'm sitting here eating a candy bar and while reading the wrapper I
notice the following: "ALLERGY INFORMATION: MANUFACTURED IN A FACILITY
THAT USES PEANUTS." What I'd like to know is wtf is up with the peanut
allergy paranoia as of late? It's not even "May contain peanuts." That I
could understand. But there are no peanuts in there! It merely comes from
a building that may have peanuts in it *somewhere*! What poor beleaguered
peanut allergy sufferer walked away with millions from a lawsuit so that I
could be warned about the possible presence of picograms of peanut matter
in my non-peanut candy bar?
-Trevor Walton
Your course of action is clear:
1) Buy another such candy bar, or one from same manufacturer.
2) Eat candy bar underwater.
3) Choke.
(This is the tricky part. You must remain alive, but acheive a
measurable amount of brain damage.)
4) Sue. They've proven themselves to be suckers.
Even if you lose the suit, you'll still have a buzz-for-life. Win-win.
-Dr. E. von Obnox
Tonight, I feast on the blood of the innocent.
Good luck finding one.
-Alloni 'n Chris
It almost certainly exists, although it is very unlikely it could ever
reach us, given the vast distances involved.
-Chris Wayne (re: life outside abducted)
Ah, you're thinking too small, my friend. I don't eat the baby
immediately. No, I use it as bait. I wander around the streets with a
baby carriage and a baby, which immediately draws young women to you. Some
of them will have small children of their own, and they will tell me about
them, which allows me to easily and quickly locate large amounts of very
young children. Certainly, some of them will be less than innocent, but I
can cut out the corrupt parts without too great a difficulty, as, at that
age, the corruption hasn't yet worked down to the bone. Once I have a few
dozen babies at hand, _then_ I feast.
-Alloni Kramer
Good point. So maybe you should rephrase: "Tonight I make a snack on the
blood of the minimally corrupted."
-Chris Wayne
Genius requires persecution to reach its full potential. Dumbass.
-Chris Wayne
What's this wheel contraption you keep going on about?
-Chris Wayne
I feel tormented. Expect my ear to be airmailed to you, get lost in
translation, end up somewhere in the Phillipines, and get eaten by a lost
crocodile that grows to titanic sizes and gets worshipped as a god.
-Alloni Kramer
Tonight, we eat couscous from the skull of a christian baby.
-Dr. E. von Obnox
You are a leader among men, a follower among women, and an obstacle among
small children.
-Chris Wayne
I think I'm going to start acclaiming chastity as a virtue. Thus, I can
claim to be impossibly virtuous through no fault of mine own.
-Alloni Kramer
A pox on your Lure Technic... Goto http://innocent-pray.com/ Fresh
infants, teens, adults, male, female... pre-craved, marinated... they
even have jerky. I don't need to leave the house, and the last time I did
my main course escaped... It was a fresh one too, pretended I was a
doctor and took it right from the womb.
-Jason
I stand corrected. From now on, you are Alloni Immaculata.
-Chris Wayne
I was referring more to the obvious double-entendre than the fact that
you're female... First _hand_ knowledge. Oh forget it...
-Trevor Walton
Must play Ween.... Ween... Poit! Hmm. How odd. I felt all woozy there
for a moment. Why is Ween playing? Doesn't matter. Ween = happy.
-Alloni Kramer
OK, so there's this guy that I fool around with. After we fool around he
thanks me. He *thanks* me. As though I did him a *favor*. Every single
time that we fool around. Then I think it's silly since I clearly had a
good time, and I thank him and we get in this big "thank you" "no thank
you" "No, thank you" war. It's not like he's desperate. Some chick in New
York is flying him up to see her for the weekend and I think he even
fooled around with her a bit before. So it's not like I'm his only option.
I'm just his *regular* option. We fool around with each other because even
if we found someone else that either of us would date for the sole purpose
of having someone to fool around with, we wouldn't know ahead of time how
good the fooling around would be. So we just cut out the often expensive
courtship and any risk of unsatisfying sex and we have sex with each other
instead. Guaranteed to have a good time. I was the one who suggested
fooling around last night. I just don't understand why he thanks me. I
bought him dinner and he only thanked me for that once, but he thanked me
for the sex on at least three different occasions. I just don't get that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, _somebody_ won the Oscar for "Best Alloni in a Featured Role" last
year. And it certainly wasn't _me_.
-Alloni Kramer
Who wants to chip in and get Jen a life for Christmas? We should be able
to find one on eBay.
-Jason
622+584+704/3= 636,6666666667. im sure it means something.
The repeating decimal of the beast?
-Rafael 'n Jenn
You are the bestest Alloni ever.
Yeah! He's even better than Alloni Hitler!
-Garth 'n Nathan
My daddy can beat up your daddy.
-Jason
Oh yeah? Well my dog is weirder than yours. And today I rescued a cat. So
there.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (ah, for the days of shaving cats)
Actually, I have a job that I think is great. I'm getting laid
occasionally. I'm reading at least once a week. And I go to Baton Rouge
almost every weekend to play games.
Now that's one hell of a job!
-Jenn 'n Nathan
Dammit, where's grEy when you need her.
-Khanh Nguyen
everything sucks, it is just a matter of how hard...
-MadHat
Goddamnedmotherfuffinsonsabitchinassscratchinbootylickinchickenstrokincowmol
estinhorserippinmarmosetmutilatinlittleoldladiesfromReno. Jeez.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No, the thing that repulses others is the way that blood drips out of the
sides of my mouth. Can't imagine why that would bother them tho.
-Chris Wayne
one word geek test: Pronounce the word "coax".
-Chris Wayne
No, you should probably be using sound effects instead. I don't get off on
touching myself. I mean, it's never a surprise what my hand is gonna do.
It is if you're epilectic.
mmmmmmmmm... epilepsy...
-Jenn 'n Chris 'n Jenn
Would you prefer labial oozing?
-Chris Wayne
Today's conundrum: Should I accept money ($100 US Savings Bond every 6
months) from Mr. Nielson to permit him to have a software doohickey on my
hard drive that tracks my net wanderings and updates his computer every
time I push the prOn button? It's not the money (are those bonds worth
anything?) but the sheer exhilaration of single-handedly driving the net
economy from the sheep fold.
-Baabaa
But now that I think about it, we HAD (apparently) brought the whole
secretion thing to a stop. Shame on you, Chris Wayne. SHAME ON YOU! Every
time we, as a civilization, take our first few faltering steps towards
making the world a better place for everyone involved, YOU just have to
step in, don't you? But then, that shouldn't surprise me. I've heard the
rumors. Superstitious, terrible rumors. Rumors that you've stolen many a
man's soul and faith. That you were around when Jesus Christ had his
moment of doubt in faith. That you made damn sure that Pilate washed his
hands, and sealed his fate. That you killed the Czar and his ministers, as
Anastasia screamed in vain. That you rode a tank at the General's rank
when the Blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank. And I'll bet you watched
with glee while the kings and queens fought for ten decades for the gods
they made. You're the kind who shouted out "Who killed the Kennedys?",
when after all, it was you and me. You've laid traps for the Troubadours
who got killed before they reached Bombay. ... Pleased to meet you, Chris
Wayne.
-Nathan Winant
However, as I'm sure all of you remember, I'm a hypocrite.
-Nathan Winant
This is scary. I am very very very much expecting that any day now I'll be
walking down the street, minding my own business, when an impeccably white
minivan will pull up, two sensibly dressed middle aged goons will grab me
and my wallet and drag us inside, we'll stop off briefly at a starbucks
for mocha lattes and cranberry scones, and I'll never be heard from again.
Somehow, I find this scenario troubling.
-Nathan Winant
Nathan. If you're going to encourage a cult to follow you around, make it
a silly cult, ok?
Or at least a kinky sex cult.
Maybe even a silly kinky sex cult.
-Jenn 'n Trevor 'n Jenn again
Wow. I've never even heard of these people and they are apparently reading
your email. cool.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
query:
Which is the proper form:
The BORG is
_or_
The BORG are
The correct form is: The Borg am after me.
-Michael 'n Gary (important information)
Yes, but since you're asking _me_ for something, I hold all the cards.
Call it extortion, call it just being a jerk, call it whatever you want...
Just don't call me late to supper!
-Nathan Winant
What better reason IS there for joining a cult than ignorance?
-Nathan Winant
You know, abducted is sorta like a cult. Maybe. We try to brainwash people
that brainwashing is bad.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You know what your problem is? You know what your problem is? You place
WAY too damn much importance on the concept of free will.
-Nathan Winant
I like free stuff. Free sex. Free food. Free breast reduction. Free use of
the word monkey in email. Free will. It's all good. Except for maybe free
venereal diseases.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yesterday, one of my coworkers complimented me. I'm not sure he *realized*
that it was a compliment when he said it, but... He said "Well, having a
girl in the back office sure hasn't raised the classiness level at all."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Luckily, I have both abducted and a total and complete lack of moral
fiber.
-Nathan Winant
To get the most out of the cult experience, one has two choices: run one,
or join one. The wonderful thing about being a member of a cult is that
you get to almost instantly regress to a perpetually carefree, childlike
state... now while I'll gart^H^H^H^Hgrant that this is possible _without_
actually joining such an organization, many people find that it helps
immensely. I mean, c'mon jen, joining a cult without sacrificing your free
will? That's like going to mardi gras on an AA fieldtrip: it may be
amusing, but it just ain't the same thing.
-Nathan Winant
Are you calling mynate personality a vicious undead stalker of the night?
I am mortally offended by that! Take it back, you... you... braiiins...
braaaaaaaiiiiiiinss... you commie!
-Alloni Kramer
I'm in an oddly homicidal psychotic mood today. Must be the weather's
fault. It's chilly. I get all mustkillthemall on chilly days.
-Alloni Kramer
Well, it is a statement of fact. That's like getting offended by someone
saying "wives-- can live with em, can't have sex with your wife without
em." Oh my god. Don't tell me you're having sex with your wife!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Not that I know of any particuar reason for me to feel useless, mind. I
guess I'm trying to drum up sympathy. You! Sympathize with me! I have
little to do at work! I'm forced to spend large amounts of my workday
reading and writing email, browsing the web, and playing mindless ascii
unix games. Sympathize, dammit!
-Alloni Kramer
You've got it all wrong. You want to disempower people, and then torment
them to the point where they feel the need to do something about it, but
can't. Because of you. Which only infuriates them all the more.
-Nathan Winant
Or tear off their penises with sharpened, rusty pliers. People who tear
off their own penises with sharpened, rusty pliers infuriate me.
-Nathan Winant
Besides, I'd need some serious surgery before I was able to give myself a
rim job.
-Alloni Kramer
I rock so hard. (And I've got wood for your wide-assed sheep). Don't ask.
Really.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Regardless, even if you make her angry, WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO? Turn you into
an oompaloompah? Even if she had the power to do that to ordinary people,
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN, MAN!!! Your people are the homely keanu reeves of the
world! Jes' get all yahweh on her ass, rain down a few plagues, some fire
and brimstone, turn all her cola into rancid blood, whatever, and she'll
start laughing. It may be a terse, nervous, stranglingly helpless little
laugh, but she'll laugh. Oh yes, my friend, SHE'LL LAUGH.
-Nathan Winant
Okay... so... you're more or less begging me to strip you of all power,
self-determination, and dignity. Okay, that's a new one... Well, YES, I do
have a long string of girlfriends who've begged the same of me in the
past, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT. Unless. Unless. UnleeeEEEEeeeess........
Say alloni, wanna be my sweetie? I'll treatcha nice. I'll treatcha REAL
nice. `,=P
-Nathan Winant
Oo! I've always wanted to be a transvestite meatloaf!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ruining someone's life is when you overrun his town with armed soldiers.
Debasing someone's life is when you overrun his town with no-armed
prostitutes.
-Nathan Winant (offlist, but we own him)
Nathan. I don't care how often you beg me, Nathan, it's never going to
work again. We had our fun, we had our little moments and our laughs,
but... it's all over now. We just were never meant for each other. It's
a good thing one of us realized it before we started to hate each other.
I had to get out of it, Nathan. You were stifling me. Sure, the sex was
great, but I need more in a relationship than that.
-Alloni Kramer
Where are these armless prostitutes everyone is talking about? Maybe that
is why they don't give hand jobs.
-Gary Sommer
No, I'm not currently subbed to Abducted, so I can't help you plan your
y2k mass cult killings.
-Felix
must smite...
No, Jennifer! Don't smite! Friends, Jennifer. We friends. Calm.
Calm. Calm. (Okay, guys, I've got her calmed down. Attack her from
behind! Quickly!)
-Jenn 'n Alloni
Ahhh... The great taste of Smite, now with Limon!
-Jason
Hate helps one focus. Hate is good. Send some of your hate my way, I like
it!
-Dr. E. von Obnox
you know to some "fucking" is not hate based. Even though it has been
said that sex is violence, that doesn't mean it will spawn hate. Now if
you get fucked... well, we need to just understand that fucking is not the
answer to not hating. not hating can only be cured by visiting the mall
during Xmas time or driving on the streets of America and witnessing the
true stupidity of the masses. That should make anyone with the slightest
bit of intelligence start hating the stupid little fuckers that don't give
a damn about anyone else and just love to cut you off and make you put a
scratch in your car because you don't want you insurance to go up because
some stupid asshole in a b-mer thinks THEY OWN THE FUCKING ROAD!!!!! FINE
BE THAT WAY. AND FUCK YOU ALL!
-MadHat
The screws on my vibrator are stripped so I can't replace parts. It's very
sad. I almost had a death in the family a few weeks back.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
But then I would be making stuff up and I certainly wouldn't want to make
stuff up and send it to Abducted, now would I? This a forum for the truth,
as strange as it may be, and nothing more.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
DAMN STRAIGHT I'M OFFENDED!!! Listen to me Kramer, and listen good: when
you promise me vivid descriptions of licentious, utterly dolorous
depravities upon the young and unfleshed, YOU HAD BEST DELIVER. Oh yes, my
friend: you had best deliver.
-Nathan Winant
hmmmmmmmmmm... me has only one quote... it was in september I got together
with megan. it's all HER fault.
-Funky J (yeah, yeah, blame society)
But today, I had a Revelation: I don't want to work. It's so fabulously
easy! Just... DON'T WORK. More specifically: don't work, and GOOF OFF!
Beautiful!
-Nathan Winant
Now, I know this can be done. The cast of Sluggy Freelance does it. The
cast of Goats does it. Hunter S. Thompson does it. The A-Team did it. So
did Jesus. This CAN be done. ... And don't give me any of that "fictitious
character" bullshit. That negative attitude is _precisely_ the reason why
nobody's waging wars in YOUR name.
-Nathan Winant
That's RIGHT. It's so beautiful. It's so perfect. Oh, sure, I'll die a
lonely, broken old man, remembered only by those who revile me, but at
least... something or other.
-Nathan Winant
And so I begin to plan the first adventure with which to boldly kick off a
new golden age for slack and directionlessness. It truly is a wonderous
time to be alive.
-Nathan Winant
Why don't you become a gigilo? Then you could screw around WHILE screwing
around. And you could pay the bills. Lot of money and lots of free time.
-Marhod
But you will be remembered in my memoires for the idea. "Jason. He had
this idea once. I had him gruesomely killed for it. No one is allowed to
have ideas around here. NO ONE."
-Alloni Kramer
I think I got it... You want to know why you aren't getting any, am I
right?
-Jason
The Government sucks too. Want to know what FBI stands for? Federal
Bastards I-Something...
-Jason
Well, of course you don't see them. They're invisible. And they're
ninjas. You can't _see_ invisible ninjas. You can only... FEEL THE
AWESOME FORCE OF THEIR FURY!
-Alloni Kramer
bah. Your ninja army is no match for my Good Ol' Inbred Ozark's Family!
Cleatus, Rufus, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl... Get'em!
-Jethro.. err Jason
but won't the Y2K bug eat them? then we'll all be sorry losers, instead of
sorry losers with the occasional good quip.
-Funky J
Don't invite the bastards inside once they arrive... I did, and they've
eaten all my food, drunk all my beer, smoked all my pot, used up all my
Internet time, and they didn't even do any cool ninja tricks.
-Funky J
bah! your ninja army and ozarks family are nothing to the... SHOGUN OF
HARLEM! and now, whos the shogun? WHO IS THE SHOGUN OF HARLEM??
(rethorical question. it's me of course)
-Rafael Lemke
I met a cute guy. He may have a girlfriend, but that should be easy enough
to get rid of. Ummmmm. Cute hacker guys. He wants to play Illuminati. He
didn't say anything about it, but I can just look at him and tell. He
wants to be an Illuminati player.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (psychic)
Out of a time of darkness... ARISES A SAVIOR!!! I call out to you: every
man, woman, child, and squidling, RALLY BEHIND LEMKE! LEMKE shall lead the
charge for freedom! LEMKE shall depose Alloni The Madman! LEMKE shall
quell Jason's terrorist forces! LEMKE shall use all of this as an excuse
to level the existing power structures! LEMKE shall institute a NEW,
_benevolent_ dictatorship, one of peace and prosperity, one with pot and
peyote for all, one in which I shall be appointed to an extremely
comfortable position as minister of propaganda for my support of him in
these trials! Only LEMKE, with his south american heritage knows enough to
lead a savage, bloody coup! Only LEMKE knows enough to effectively rule us
with a merciless iron fist! ONLY LEMKE CAN SAVE US!!!
-Nathan Winant (oddly seductive, no?)
Yes, but does he deliver in thirty minutes or its free? Cause I really
don't have time to wait around for a savage, bloody coup. A savage, Bloody
Mary I would wait for, but only about an hour and only if I could still
work in the meantime.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Fools. Surrender now, and I may be merciful.
-Alloni Kramer
I've had enough of you Alloni. Accept my smite. (Not accepting the smite
is a smitable offence.)
-Jason
Good thing we only have to put up with this crap for another 12 days.
The acid rain on Jan 1 should kill off most of the undesirables. Smart
people will know not to go outside when the rainfall is a bright, glowing
blue.
-Jason
So... where's Elvis?
In my ass. He's my own personal anal probe.
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
So, with a little luck, it would appear that I am finally on the verge of
breaking into the local hardcore amateur porn industry! Huzzah! Truly it
IS a season of miracles!
-Nathan Winant
Wow! Naked Space Pope! Mrowr!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Besides, who better to sell the food dehydrator to the unsuspecting masses
than Space Pope?
-Fade
MwuhahahaahaahaahaahaAHHAHAAHAHAAHAAAAAAHAAHAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *hick!* *hick!*
*hick!* *gag!*
-Nathan Winant
Guess what I got for Christmas.... A real-life brand spankin' new Japanese
raver girl!!!
-Khanh Nguyen
I'll take over from here. I just plan to make everyone my sex slave and
since we all know they want that anyway, I will be a just and fair ruler.
With just a pinch of SMITE!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We just got a "just in case the world doesn't end" Y2K emergency tabasco
kit.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You'll get nothing and like it. Plus, nips all look alike anywho. Seen
one Japanese raver girl....see www.asiansluts.com for reference.
-Khanh Nguyen
I am still seeing flashing lights and have this strange urge to smear my
body with mayo and slide off the roof of my car into a tub of hot buttered
popcorn and let strange asian raver grrls lick it off....
So looking at that site didn't change you at all, is that what you're
saying?
No, before it was smearing myself in hot fudge and it was redheads, not
asian girls... I am really twisted now.
-MadHat 'n Jenn 'n MadHat
abducted@asianfudge.com? sign me up!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't mind Nathan. He's just cranky cause you're moving in on his fantasy
domain.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
No, that's ismply not true. My fantasy domain and my anus have little if
anything in common.
-Nathan Winant
In the interests of world harmony, I am now ordering my army of invisible
ninjas to spend five minutes every hour dancing the Can-Can.
World peace is achieved!
-Alloni 'n Jennifer
There's no one else online, obviously. The Internet has shut itself down.
The global intelligence spawned by the screaming bunch of neurons that we
netfolk be has decided to go unconscious until this fever is over, and
most of the people on or about it have moved off on their daily pursuits
without awareness. Only I, the Dreaming Neuron, remain, and I am busy
attempting to start a neuronic riot so we can play a nice game of chess.
When the Internet awakens, people around the world will have visions of...
CHEESE! CHEESE! EVERYWHERE! ALL OF IT IS CHEESE! THE CHEESE HAS
INVADED WISCONSIN! THE CHEESE HAS DROPPED INTO TH ATLANTIC AND CAUSED
WORLDWIDE FLOODING! BEWARE THE CHEESE! Now, if someone mentions the word
cheese to me in person over the next several weeks, I'll know it works.
-Alloni Kramer
West Coast Cheese Rules! Our secret is using 100% genetically modified
milk that makes men more manly and makes women bigger-breasted when
applied directly to the affected area. Warning: May cause oily flatulence
and uncontrollable anal leakage in some midwesterners. On the other hand,
the French do make a wicked goat cheese, but Wisconsin cheese is
definitely out! The glove lands squarely upside yo head.
-Baabaa
The chess match has begun. The players: myself vs.
anyoneelsepayingattention. The rules: Cheese. Let the games begin! I move
cheese to cheese four, with a side order of gouda.
-Alloni Kramer
Don't forget that soon-to-be childhood classical favorite: Flight of the
Humble Brie.
-Terence P. Higgins
Welcome to the meeting of the seriously bored/warped/obsessed. First names
only (I feel like Art Bell).
-Terence P. Higgins
I've figured it out. All of my fellow abducteds have been kidnapped by
Santa's elfin goon squad and forced into slave labor. Sure, your cheap
sweat shop toys might please some poor little third-world children, but
what about me? I want some squishy love. So start entertaining me, or I'll
be forced to eat your young. Seriously.
-Terri C. Sheep
You just made my four thirty in the morning.
-Terri C. Sheep
Excuse me while I spin in my grave.
-Garth
If you liked that one, you should hear the one about the chicken and the
$8.34 in assorted US currency.
-Jason
In the interest of laziness and in the tradition of "X-mas" and "Xian", I
hereby change my first name to Xopher. Thank you for your attention.
-Chris Wayne
So I'm watching the midnight mass from Rome on Christmas Eve (hey, it's a
Jubilee Year, I'll probably only get to see three or four more in my
lifetime) and I notice that the pope has this wierd look on his face. I'm
looking and looking and then suddenly it hits me: Fear. He had this
expression of imminent doom on his face, and not just the average imminent
doom of a man approaching death by old age (speaking of which, he looks
awful -- they just about had to carry him) or assassination, but serious
imminent doom for everyone and everything. He knows something.
-Chris Wayne
I find oral sex to be particularly irritating. Almost as bad as receiving
huge sums of cash in the mail daily. I just hate that.
-Chris Wayne
Are noble gasses poisonous? Is this a trick question?
There's only one way to find out. You know what you must do.
-Jenn 'n Chris
There's nothing better than a good hate fuck. Oh, sure, that peaches and
sweetness "making love" is fine and all, but it just doesn't stand up
against a good sweat-drenched, wall-shaking, bucking-bronco,
finger-bruises-on-your-shoulders, can't-stand-to-be-in-the-same-room-
with-you-unless-we're-having-sex, I-wonder-how-long-I-can-hold-this-
pillow-over-your-face-without-losing-my-rhythm sexual romp.
-Chris Wayne
What, no coprophagic bestiality? Necropedophilia? Autocannibalism? Young
man, I'm seriously disappointed.
-Chris Wayne
For instance, for my birthday, I got alien head lollipops -- and the nifty
green plastic alien head display they came in. For Christmas, I got a
plush alien doll and a scented candle shaped like an alien's head. They
tell me they see these things and immediately think of me. Maybe I
shouldn't wear mirrored sunglasses so much.
-Chris Wayne
Is it ok to send mail that I've had in the fridge all day?
-Elizabeth Leal
I got eggnog latte. you are so jealous.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Exactly. You can taunt me all you want. I think it's sexy. I can just
imagine you licking the butter off your delicate fingers, steaming hot
from the crab. Mmmmmmmmm... OK, I'm definitely not getting laid enough.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm glad Splash Page isn't my title.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Isn't getting laid in the contract, somewhere? (If not, you got gypped,
and should definitely have rewritten the marriage vows. "I promise to
love, honor, and have sex with my husband as frequently as possible.")
-Alloni Kramer
... Many people would be discouraged by this. But not me. I don't believe
in getting discouraged. I believe in violence.
-Nathan Winant
Wow....Nathan's alive? Whoda thunk it?
-Marhod
I know. It's so easy to confuse him with a perl script, but I have
actually seen him before. Of course, I've never actually *seen* a perl
script, so he could just be programmed to lie to me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Kill -9 nathan.pl.
-Khanh Nguyen
Nathan. I can't believe that you're giving us hints on how to kill you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Wow. You are the BOHEMOTHDARRSHARINDASCOTTTHESECOND that says Ni? That's a
pretty impressive title.
-Marhod
Official Abducted Further AQ Questions: (various)
If Fred had an unknown amount of marbles, how many marbles would Fred
have, and why?
Please be as descriptive as possible. (Jason)
In no fewer than 1000 words, describe your penis and how it relates to the
vagina of the soul. Your response should be double-spaced in 12-point
Times New Roman font, may include no more than three quotes, and all
sources should be properly cited. (Nathan Winant)
In at least 500 words, explain the connection between the sock monkey
police and the NSA. Please be specific and cite at least three sources.
Include the ramifications of this situation on the average American
citizen as well as on the average American sock monkey. Bear in mind that
your sources may or may not be checked and that your entry will probably
be parsed to count the number of uses of predetermined, unidentified
keywords. (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
If you could pick a cult to join (include religion, place of employment,
love triangle, gaming group, etc.) knowing that the members would engage
in mind-control and brainwashing techniques, what kind of cult would you
pick? Or in other words, please describe your ideal cult. (Jennifer Lynn
Larkin)
Official Christian Baby Recipe: (Nathan Winant)
Hardly necessary. Xtianity only puts those obstacles there to suck you in.
With a little bit of planning, feasting on infants can be Easy N' Fun!
NATHAN'S I-HATE-TO-COOK CHILDREN'S RECIPE -- CHRISTIAN STYLE!
Step 1: Find small child
Step 2: Baptize
Step 3: Get child to accept Jesus Christ as his/her personal Lord 'N'
Savior (comedic ventriloquism acts are acceptable, ie, "'sept jesus?"
"'sept jesus." "s'allright?" "s'allright.")
Step 4: Marinade in a light garlic butter sauce or, for a healthier
alternative, lightly steam while occasionally sprinkling with a tasty
lemon herb dressing
The great thing is, there are all sorts of handy time-saving shortcuts
built right in! Why not combine Steps 2 and 4? Dealing with a middle aged
child? Use Step 4 to encourage Step 3! What could be simpler! Experiment
for yourself and experience all the delicious possibilities!
Bon apetit!
Official Abducted Travesty: (travesty)
To you guys. Also, my sister for me. I wonder if Satan will appear on the
way his face had that orange glow about it. Really, the only guy in a
gothic, sexequalsdeath, horror film type of Tourette's syndrome that,
instead of crack. Too much crack on streets. Just pile up in backyard.
More sanitary. Use WetNaps instead of joining, could I have to make fun
and games and we're teaching them all our minds by saying: ooh, wait.. I
think I'll just kill one yourself?" Just burn this image into the river
which their alien masters exclusively. Alloni's my favorite pastimes. If I
said you were stubborn. Crazy and delusional were what I say. Except...
Thats it. Time to get Garth, and a bucket of pens and markers. The
Official Abducted Aerobics: (Jennifer Lynn Larkin) And so He stumbled.
Jesus met His mother and said in a war with the melodies, I did this
Greenspan guy come from, anyway? I sure wish those Japanese would just say
"Sorry. It's the only degrees that is an idea or image which is why
children do not live up to me about I guy who invented time travel. It
sure would keep the conversation returns to monkeys. Everyone has proof of
my keyboard." I think so. But don't worry, we'll both be included in a
fine line.
I don't like oysters. They wet their nests. Just what this world and most
finite data (truth?) to continue to exist unhampered by memetic groups if
we called the Tar Baby. He spent the my junior and senior years with
everyone I knew about this is not advisable to use our "instant chat"
software at work, i am a lunchbox. I bring them cookies and they are
trained only to deliver them and taught them Latin, normally a fairly odd
thing for a bigger dork then I thought he was on the buttered side, but
not least, the Official Abducted Spam Of the Month: (R&J Gassaway) from
Spelling Entertainment: The Dukes of Alhazred county, Dr.
Henry Armitage. The Alhazred clan is helped by their ploy, Squeaky; just
remember "squick squick squick." Luckily for you, but I make too much of a
Russian Goat that I keep getting confused and thinking "I'd better open
this message will knock it up and throw them over the top. Or an
unfortunate Bobbit. You still haven't bought a new house.
A kilogram of cut diamonds will buy you a commie. It'll be like the
spoiled, middle-aged british rockstar type. Or Felix. Same difference.
Stealth boat my ass. Same concept, different ... ah hell, I just wanted to
cuddle on the floor and dance the funky smell. The smell that spells
Lovin'. Oh, I know of that most of the Month: (Felix) 17.2 And, yea! Under
the Unsigned Rule of Interference, the Upright Pederast drew a barrier
across the bar from me, I could see how you are... joy joy joy joy joy joy
joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy
joy joy. happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy.
gliiiick gleeeeeek squaaaaaaak vrooooooom. feel.) I only have one option:
Burn Disney World to the emperor. But I have... uhm... uh... no problem
with the reason she seems to have to carry the cross, then a ruling class
made up that says very much free than that. How fucked up somehow? I think
the Amish have set my phasers to splat, Captain Zombie, Sir. This was the
"wake up, Mr. Computer, ha ha, enough kidding around, please don't hurt
'im!", etc.) I _like_ being arrogant.
Official Abducted Amusing Way To Annoy: (Nathan Winant)
Uhm, if you truly want to annoy people, I don't think goofy words are the
way to go. Unless you choose to substitute them for critically important
words, and then act peeved when they don't understand you.
Alloni: "Carl, I moved the zoopoo putai to zanzijig like I was supposed
to, but I think we might have a serious problem because zanzijig snooled
the grahl."
Carl (puzzled): "What are you TALKING about, alloni?"
Alloni (annoyed): "I SAID, I moved the zoopoo putai to zanzijig, but it
snooled the grahl. If we're not careful, partifor is really gonna get
screwed up."
Carl (annoyed but patiently): "Why don't you stop talking nonsense and
tell me what's really going on."
Alloni (visibly frustrated): "Look Carl, we don't have time for these
games. We need to woop zanzijig's ubu, and I don't know how to do it."
Carl (getting angry): "Dammit alloni, quit making shit up and just tell me
what happened!"
Alloni (angry and getting panicky): "Why don't you just try *listening* to
me Carl. Zanzijig needs to habala or the entire jojoboo is going to
wiki!!!"
Carl (completely perplexed and utterly furious): "Look, why don't YOU just
fix it!"
Alloni (holding back tears of rage): "Dammit, Carl, I JUST TOLD YOU I
DON'T KNOW HOW!!!"
Carl (enraged): "THEN FIGURE IT OUT!!!"
Alloni (completely panicked): "But I don't know what I'm doing here! If
I'm not careful, we could could lose the entire antidoop! The whole thing,
Carl! The whole antidoop!"
Carl (exasperated): "Fine. Fine. Fine... Fine. Just spoo the antiloop
or--"
Alloni (aggravated): "--woop the ubu."
Carl (surprised and incredulous): "What???"
Alloni (speaking through clenched teeth): "Woop the ubu. We need. To woop.
The ubu."
Carl (bristling with rage): "Look, whatever. Just figure it out, do
whatever the hell you have to do, and tell me whether or not it worked."
[Carl storms out of the office]
Alloni (oddly zenlike): "Mmmmm... Nethack...."
Official Abducted Evil You've Driven Me To: (Alloni Kramer)
**WARNING** On due reflection, having reread this email, I realize that I,
um, didn't quite fit within the boundaries of good taste on this one.
Um, if you feel in an... easily offended mood, I suggest you wait.
Until, until you're ready to accept that I didn't mean anything by it. A
few stiff drinks might help. I can wait. On the other hand, no one on
this mailing list really falls within the boundaries of good taste
themselves, so I needn't worry about it.
Ladies and lentlegem, for this performance, we're going to try something
new and exciting. Something not to be missed. Something bold and
direction...ful. Yes, today, not only is Alloni going to be writing
something that _he's never written before_ (gasp!), but he's also going to
be doing it in the style of a children's TV show! YAY!
So, everyone, let's give a big hand for Uncle Rod's Big Throbbing
Children's Special!
(For some reason today, he seems to be very, you'll excuse the expression,
big on sexual innuendo. Put up with it. It won't last very long. Soon,
his inspiration will fail him entirely, going metaphorically, um, limp,
and you, the audience, will be left... unsatisfied.)
So! Are you all as excited as I WHAT IS THIS? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE
WRITING THESE THINGS, THEY JUST COME ON THEIR OWN! DAMMIT! All right.
I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm settled. I'm relaxed. My eyelids are growing
heavy. I am unable to keep them open. Soon I shall fall into a deep,
deep trance. When I snap my fingers, I will be asleep. 3. 2. 1.
*snap*. I am asleep. When I snap my fingers again, I shall awaken,
refreshed and relaxed. I shall do my children's show. Should innuendo
express itself through me, I shall be at peace with that fact. Also,
should I hear the word "squelch", I shall immediately start chanting
"Ptoing! Ptoing! Ptoing!" while hopping about on my left foot. (After
all, when you have someone hypnotised, it would be a pity not to abuse
your power over them.) 1. 2. 3. *snap*.
Gosh, I feel awfully refreshed and relaxed.
Anyway, where was I?
Yes! Are you all as excited as I to be here, boys and girls? Are you all
positively moist with delight? I know I am!
(Old memories: in my drama class, the phrase "my thighs are moist with
anticipation" and various variations was very big for some reason. Got
odd looks from it by outsiders, which I suppose was the point.)
Now, first of all, let's get a little boy or girl from the audience up on
stage here to play a little game with us. We're going to play a game of
"Let's! Get! LUCKY!"
Now you, you look like a fine young lad, what's your name? "Dick!" Well
Dick, (gosh, he's really going overboard this time, isn't he? I mean, no
subtlety, no sense of style, or form. He and "Dick" are probably going to
"play a game", "just the two of them", etc, etc, etc. I could pretty much
write the rest of this bit myself, couldn't you? So we'll just move on
past it.)
"Gosh, thanks Rod!" No problem, little buddy. Now remember, don't tell
anyone what you won! It'll be (My god! Is he actually going to say it?)
our little secret. (He said it. *sigh*. When is he going to learn that
pedophilia is not a topic for goodnatured laughs? I swear. Sometimes I
just think he should be institutionalized now, before he actually snaps...
and gets worse. *shudder*. Please. Please give generously to the "Can't
Anybody Stop This Inhuman Monster?" fund. Your small donation will be
used, firstly, to make sure he is put away immediately, and secondly, to
compensate his many victims, such as those deluded by fraudulent funds
such as this one. You, too, can make a difference.)
Now, someone very, very special is having a birthday today. So, let's all
give a warm, gushing welcome, to LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN! YAY!
Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Ludwig
Van Beethoven, creator of such immortal works as Beethoven's 1st Symphony,
Beethoven's 2nd Symphony, Beethoven's 3rd Symphony, Beethoven's 4th
Symphony, Beethoven's 5th Symphony, Beethoven's 6th Symphony, Beethoven's
7th Symphony, Beethoven's 8th Symphony, and Beethoven's 9th Symphony,
Happy birthday to you!
Of course, he's dead, so he can't really respond properly, but rest
assured, he's just as happy as we are! Doesn't he look great, boys and
girls? Doesn't he look simply beautiful? (Oh, please no. Please. No
necrophilia. There is a limit here. Please. Please. I beg you.)
Doesn't he look... just delicious? Positively scrumptious? (Well, at
least it isn't necrophilia.) Look at the way that tangy looking flesh
sits on his bones. Doesn't that just make you want to eat him right up?
<The crowd looks at him in stunned incomprehension. Several of the
younger children begin to cry.>
Well, we'll just move right along, shall we? Beethoven, a pleasure, as
always, and I look forward to dining on WITH! With you this evening.
I think that just about raps it up for tonight, boys and girls. Now
remember, like Rod always says, "Do you want some candy, boys and girls?"
This show has been copyrighted by What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men,
Inc. All rights reversed. There. See? See what you've driven me to?
Official Shortlived Ninja Army: (Alloni Kramer)
If you'll look outside your window, you'll notice my vast armada of
invisible ninjas surrounding all buildings in your vicinities. Do not be
alarmed. This is merely the final step. I have become world supreme
dictator. An orderly transfer of power can be acheived with minimal
unpleasantness if you all immediately write and sign documents pledging
your unswerving loyalty to my new regime. The Age of Reason is complete.
Now begins the Age of Alloni.
Official Abducted Priest, Minister, and Rabbi Joke: (Jason)
A priest, a bowl of lime jello (with marshmallows), and a monkey walk into
a baseball stadium. The monkey turn to the jello (lime, with
marshmallows) and says "Hey you bastard, you ate my hot dog." The jello
(lime blah blah) turns to the hot dog and says "Your monkey ate my
marshmallows". The priest turned into a car, drove to the store and
bought more marshmallows so the Jello and monkey and hot dog would stop
fighting. With the priest got back, his head turned into an walnut. The
walnut ate the monkey's jello. The hot dog ate the baseball stadium.
The car ate the monkey. The next morning I took a train to France. The
End.
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