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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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One of our illustrious congressmen is trying to criminalize video
games, especially giving them to minors, just the same as alcohol or
tobacco or porn. I assume there will soon be an approved list of games
which are Good and Wholesome (TM!), as well as a list of those that
are Evil and Depraved (TM!), which will be seized by the state and
burned in the town square.
-Chris Wayne
That's almost as funny as the Time Magazine article about the victims
which showed their pictures and a small blurb about each one. One of
them said "Really liked his mom's pork chops". How pathetic of an
epitaph is that? Even at 17, I'd hope that my loved ones could think
of SOMETHING more meaningful than that.
-Chris Wayne
How fucked up is a society that even has "ordinary neighborhood
gunshots"? I mean, really, is it just me or should gunshots be so out
of the ordinary that people actually notice them??
-Chris Wayne
And what if he evolves while you're not at home? The responsible gun
owner considers the impact of mutagenic compounds, bizarre genetic
anomalies, and ambient cosmic rays on their loved ones.
-Chris Wayne
My cat occasionally dials out on the phone. And she doesn't even have
claws.
-Garth
Tied you down and put a plastic bag full of pot smoke over your face
until you were forced to inhale? I hate when that happens.
-Chris Wayne
Do you honestly believe that every citizen should have access to
military hardware? I wouldn't trust the average American to use a
Swiss Army knife safely, much less a surface-to-air missile.
-Chris Wayne
I garantee that you have more wool pulled over your eyes than I do on
my back.
-Garth
I *REALLY* hope this Balkans Crisis results in WWIII
I *REALLY* hope the Y2K bug fucks everything up
I *REALLY* hope that Aliens come down to wipe us out
I *REALLY* hope that Jesus comes back to bring us Justice
because I'm *REALLY* fucking sick and tired of this world and most the
people in it.
and, I *REALLY* hope it all happens on the same day.
-Funky J
I can honestly say my job serves the forces of evil. How many of us
can honestly say that? most of us? Heh. That's what I thought.
-Felix
Alloni is a harsh mistress.
-Nathan Winant
Josh, you obviously have the brains of a goat. You're right, Garth,
it is fun!
-Alloni Kramer
random insight : Instead of killing students who are jocks and
heathers, wouldn't it be better to just kill Britney Spears, who
symbolises jocks and heathers?
-Felix
"Soylent Green, made from the best stuff on earth -- people!"
-Nathan Winant
I meant everyone other than you, actually. Put yourself on the same
level as Nathan! Be able to play me like a puppet! You know you want
it. Um, not that I'm saying Nathan could play me like a puppet if he
felt the whim. He's just, um, well.
-Alloni Kramer
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to set up crontab entries to shoot
somebody every x seconds or so?
-Michael Hale
I dunno. Maybe I'm just too cynical about american society. (I'm NOT
of course, but it's a nice closing line.)
-Nathan Winant
Remember, guns spelled backwards is snug!
We were talking about snugdnah.
-Gary 'n Garth
The secret underground will overcome. Why it's a secret, I don't know,
since everyone knows about it, but it's tradition.
-Alloni Kramer
That would be a good thing, because The Mall is Evil(tm).
-Chris Wayne
Uhm... ah... you don't want to do that. There's... no value to
confusion. After all, confusion wouldn't be very "logical", now would
it? Eh-heh. Heh. Of course not. Go back. Go back to logic. I lied,
logic is king. With logic, you will prevail. And The Power Of Love.
Logic and The Power Of Love. Logic is neat. Yay, logic!
-Nathan Winant
I'll grant, for a while we WILL be at the mercy of all those 50-60
year old gangsters, but somehow, I think we'll manage...
-Nathan Winant
Nobody won and no one's ever going to.
-Josh Smith (a moral for our times)
A penis is a tool for sex. Sex isn't illegal.
-Garth (that's what you think)
Did you know your sinuses extend all the way up into your forehead?
Did you know that a severe sinusitis infection can trepanate you?
-Jonathan Mayer
you bored with talk about things which go bang in the night and result
in people staggering down dark corridors with their last life essences
bleeding out of a severed artery? I'll swallow your soul.
-Felix
Actually, the theory somebody was pushing on me yesterday is that
airbags are designed to kill short people.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Just what this list needed. A smarter Michael Hale.
-Jonathan Mayer
(Australia is only slightly smaller than continental USA).
Well, uh, it doesn't matter. We're better, and all that. (feels
insecure.) (quickly yet discretely measures penis.)
-Felix 'n Jonathan
Well, The US does have more people, more money, more guns, more drugs,
more entertainment, more entertainers, more sex, more violence, more
rock n roll, more corruption, more cars, more lawyers, more houses,
more freaks, more land, more texans. Its the land of the mostest. All
we have is more cuban cigars.
-Felix
Must... fight... allure... of... apathy!
-Alloni Kramer
Suuure, it's always the penguins..
-grey
It sure is easy to finally get caught up on the list when you're
ignoring four separate threads.
-Khanh Nguyen
But....but....I thought there was no spoon.
-Khanh Nguyen
*sniff sniff* It's so beautiful to see that another grown man gets
giddy about new toys. Warms me heart.
-Khanh Nguyen
Wow. Guns for central american imports. How... american.
-Nathan Winant
I would like to add as a closing statement that Garth is a poopy head,
and that Chris Wayne likes to lick sweaty old German men.
He's a damn liar. (Soon, Hans, I'm almost done.) Moreover, I'd like
to point out that Nathan is a big fat dodo. *slurp* [ja, mein herr.]
-Nathan 'n Chris
Reunite Gondwanaland!
"Guns is bad 'cause they kill good people." - Them that doesn't likes
guns.
"Guns is good 'cause they kill bad people." - Them that likes guns.
"Good? Bad? I'm the guy with the gun." - Ash
Have I missed any viewpoints?
-Mark Doner
Brilliance! Now you just have to find a top secret military
installation.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
An excellent idea. Actually, when I worked in a porn shop, I felt it
would be the perfect place for a murder. The sheer bulk of DNA
evidence in the average porn shop would keep them busy for years. Or a
beauty shop dumpster. Enough hair, nail, and skin there to bring any
forensic department to its knees.
-Chris Wayne
I don't know. I'm not anyone else. Just me, baby. Just me.
-Nathan Winant
That OK. You _probably_ don't have to apologise for not being sucked
up by a tornado.
-Felix
lemon squaresssssssseeesssssssss. and mochaaaaaaaaaaah.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Thanks grey. That does help to put my mind at ease. Unless....
...unless you're in on it. Are you grey? You are, aren't you? If you
deny it, I'll know it's true. There's no one I can trust. Except
people without uteruseses. It's a uterine conspiracy, I just know it.
Curse your estrogenical treachery!!
-Chris Wayne
Are you implying that I'm a mochaholic? Cause I'm not. It's completely
under control. And who the hell are you to call me a mochaholic
anyway, Mr. I-Just-Spent-$300-On-Wine-When-I-Already-Had-Some?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Relax. There are probably support groups out there. Latte Anonymous
or somesuch.
-Felix
EUGLENA!
"Yes Darling!" she replies while running through the airport in slow
motion.
-ghostxxx 'n Jennifer
They were probably broken by Godzilla. That damn mutant lizard just
keeps on going around breaking things. Just yesterday I heard how
Godzilla visited a young Japanese couple for some sushi, when *bang*
Mothra appeared and there was a bit of a scuffle. Four city blocks in
downtown Osaka were flattened.
-Felix
Alzheimer's is big comedy.....
-Nathan Winant
Idiots with swords kill people. Idiots with lead pipes kill people.
Idiots with hair dryers kill people (granted, it's usually themselves,
but we've got to protect the public).
-Josh Smith
You do know that you're going to burn in hell for that, of course.
But that never stopped us before.
-Alloni Kramer
Part of my job description is to wander around the shipping dept
swinging a baseball bat for two hours every day, without hitting
anything. Unfortunately, I'm not so great at that part of my job.....
-Nathan Winant
No matter. I am the horizontal. I am the vertical. I AM the network.
Welcome to The Natrix.
-Nathan Winant
Oh please, save the naive illusion of surprise. Welcome to the real
world, Josh. I'm sorry, but you may find that more than a few
politicians are glory-seeking opportunists. Except Charlton Heston. He
is the One True Savior.
-Nathan Winant
You know what I find fascinating about this is the things they're
choosing to focus attention on. Guns, computer games, the internet,
goths, and black trenchcoats. But I have YET to hear anyone make an
issue out of the fact that they supposedly were fond of CHANTING ARYAN
YOUTH SLOGANS. What, white face powder and london fog are evil and
incited this behavior, but THE NAZI YOUTH are just fine and fuckin'
dandy?
-Nathan Winant
AH yeah. Cute, rich, emotionally disturbed, and 17. Just the way I
likes 'em.... =P
-Nathan Winant
And those nipples are perfect attire for the Kid's choice awards.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Robert Smith is the antichrist and a warmonger. The sullen little
dictator.
-Nathan Winant
You see, Josh, all the great leaders of the world -- truly great
leaders, men who stood for greater principles, messiahs if you will --
they're all "nuts". Moses, Jesus, Ghandi, Larry Ellison, myself. It is
that psychotic glint in the eye, that detachment from reality, that
utterly perverted ego that allows them the freedom and the force of
will to BE great. Hallalujah!
-Nathan Winant
Then join me in my quest to mold society into The Way Things Should
Be. Help me reform education, promote peace through violence across
the land, reduce the snivelling of all those soft weak americans,
radically change the way we all work live and love, put a can of
pepper spray into the hands of every man woman and child, and just
generally make things Keen! You can be my sidekick. I'll call you
"Little Josh". Our vaguely homoerotic adventures will be recorded and
retold at renfaires for generations upon generations, and eventually
turned into a terrible syndicated television show! WE SHALL BE
HEROES!!!!
-Nathan Winant
I mean, how would *you* like it if you *used to be* the chosen of God.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hope you don't mind that I'm shamelessly raffling off your body for my
own dark, sinister purposes. ... Didn't think so.
-Nathan Winant
Come on everybody, let's go camping and see the drug raids!!! Who's
with me?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
There are people in Wichita? Amazing! The things you learn on the
internet.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
has david letterman been shot ? I just thought I'd ask ...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't make me beat you with an undercooked squirrel.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Solution: sleep naked.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
WOW! The universe has pink mood lighting. I wonder what natural
phenomena is going to give us the cosmic Lava Lamp. And Muzak ;<.
-Gary Sommer
Anyone who doesn't see the irony in that is in a coma.
-Kevin
And tornados always pick up 1 to 3 cows, but no chickens. That's why
chickens are always nervous around cows. They know that if a tornado
comes that the cows will try to grab them in a desperate attempt to
stay anchored to the ground.
-Funky J
they're putting something in the water that is causing massive
braindamage across america. everybody I know is acting like somebody
took shelac to their synaptic gaps, not excluding yours truly. Maybe
somebody in the military industrial complex decided that Forrest Gump
really was a good vision of America.
-Jonathan Mayer
All the clever people are surfing the net for porn.
-Felix
Why support communism, Jen? Why not support Roddenberryism? Another
pie-in-the-sky, whimsical philosophy that is equally ungrounded in
reality. And you get neat replicators and holodecks, too!
-Nathan Winant
I think the key here is that she's dancing and lipsynching while
dressed in a dishevelled boarding school uniform. Maybe I'm just
twisted from my brief few formative years in catholic school or
something, but it's just.... irresistable.
-Nathan Winant
BAH. Just, bah.
-Khanh Nguyen
EX-cellent. For your efforts you shall be rewarded with a sack of fine
turnips and a tub of lard. Indulge!
-Nathan Winant
damnfurriners howdaretheycorrectme themandtheirrabbits
-Alloni Kramer
The latter is a normal, totally sane, gut-wrenching terror.
-Chris Wayne
Freud would probably would have liked my boobs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My god! I've been outed online. again. I wasn't even in.
-Funky J
Look at the monkey.
-Garth (monkey. mmmm.)
bah. Its only your sex life.
-ghostxxx
How long have you been on this list? Your not supposed to help me.
You're supposed to make fun and belittle me.
-Garth
I can cite one. Buttered toast. Everyone knows its supposed to land on
the buttered side, but the other day, it landed on the dry side. I
went to my room the rest of that day and cowered under the covers.
-ghostxxx
will you all marry me?
-ghostxxx
When making my baby the other night, i put too much salt and vinegar
in the mixture and ended up ruining the whole thing. I may also have
turned the oven too high. It said bake at 475 for 3 hours, but i
figured that if i put the stuff in the broiler, it would be done
quicker.
-ghostxxx
Oh, I'm sorry. I completely missed this message. You see, Kevin made
me his Jennifer in Charge of Rating and Berating All Short Country
Singers That Look Like Bamboo, and I have woefully neglected my
duties. I may be a little late, but I'll try to pick up anyway. BAD
GARTH! BAD! BAD! NO COOKIE FOR YOU! NO NOOKIE FOR YOU! BAD GARTH! Now,
sit!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Kodos the Executioner? Mass murderer of Altair four? You evil bastard.
I voted for Lord Garth of Izar, because he had a cool name.
-Garth
You kids today... Al Gore promises to save the spotted owl, Elizabeth
Dole is female, and therefore it follows logically that her policies
will be better for women, Lord Garth of Izar has a cool name... He
does, but that's beside the point.
-Josh Smith
I may as well make up a philosophy in which everyone is given a
mansion, a talking monkey, and a lifetime supply of poptarts, and
compare that to capitalism.
-Nathan Winant
But really, on most of these issues where we go nuts, I think it can
be boiled down to this.
Funky J is a radical, in a nice of way.
Chris is reasonable but optimistic.
Garth (me) idealistic but cynical. (You forgot stupid, lazy,
disrespectful...) Shut up bitch and fix me a turkey pot pie.
Nathan cynical but idealistic
Jennifer is radical, in a gunrack-in-your-pickup sort of way.
Josh is a loon.
Everyone else just wishes we'd shut up. Ah, but screw em.
-Garth
I think that when corporations do things that harm people and forcibly
harm other corporations, whether by negligence or by intentional
malice, they should themselves get an economic kick in the groin.
-Josh Smith
Hey. We can download crisco from that page!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Clearly you are destined to be my love slave in the times after the
end times, known as the Aeon of Urc.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Pondering inequity. May become bestselling author. Heck, may just
become rich without all that intervening "how do i become rich,
exactly?" dealing with. Of course, to do that, I'll need to have
someone walk up to me and hand me money. Lots of money. A large
satchel full of $100 bills will do for a start. Tell you what, if one
of you does that, I'll split the contents of the satchel with you.
Not evenly, mind you, since it was my idea. Probably 60-40. We can
negotiate this, depending on how much exactly the satchel contains,
and how often we would be doing the deal.
-Alloni Kramer (it's still a good idea)
I guess I'm not as much of a sociopath as I'd always thought. Damn,
try harder next life.
-Chris Wayne
um, geek points are A Good Thing, right?
-Chris Wayne
Well, those would've been bad geek points. Like obsessive
never-leave-the-house geek points.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's all about geek-sheik baby.
-Khanh Nguyen
And in the center of the mecca, there is the Fridge.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It is not advisable to use ftp for the bathroom. You may now proceed
with your regularly scheduled luminosity. And short jokes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
GOD DAMN IT I SAID PROCEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm gonna do something wild and unheard of, something wacky and even
not quite right. Yes, you guessed it. Tonight I'm going to read a
book. For fun.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (no!)
chalk it up to mild psychosis.
-grey
Why would I use ketchup in a garden path?
-Felix
Anyone have a good place to hide?
-ghostxxx
And by "Great Satan" I of course mean no offence to anybody. Except
Baal. Baal sucks eggs.
-Felix
Um, maybe I shouldn't have said that. It just started raining. Chill
out Baal, eggs are good. The Egg people say so. Sucking eggs is a
good thing to do. I probably don't even have to teach you how to do
such as thing - seeing as you are so old and powerful and things. Old
in a vintage wine sort of way, of course, not old in a grizzled-
old-geezer sort of way.
-Felix (backing off)
Of course, _technically_, we're a minority only in the western
hemisphere. And perhaps not even that for long. Been to California
recently? Plus, we have an ongoing conspiracy to impregnate white
women and just breed all the whiteness right out of the world.
-Khanh Nguyen
Wow, who would have thought the internet would one day be used to
coordinate illegal international transport of alcohol, tobacco, and
firearms? Technology is a wonderful thing.
-Chris Wayne
It's the Domino Theory, all over again. Thirty minutes or less.
-Chris Wayne
On the contrary, I highly recommend that EVERYONE start drinking
Windex. The people who actually would should never breed anyway.
-Chris Wayne
I've got a better idea. You get yourself a large satchel of coke, dope
and speed, and I'll give you a large satchel of money. Lots of money.
-Funky J
I was in a church, at a wedding, discussing the Anti-Christ. My
friends told me that Church was no place to talk about the
Anti-Christ. I think it's probabally the BEST place. He can't get you
there. Sanctified ground and all that.
-Funky J
I need a victim. come to me.
-Bean (she's like that)
so muchhhh more fuckeed up now. don't know why I'jm even trying to
computerizeit
-Bean (we love you! come back to us!)
That is so wrong. More recent theories are that two kinds of
alcoholism exist. One kind is the kind above, while the other one
incudes the entirety of France. You could be living in France and not
even notice.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I especially like the list of classes and workshops at the end. $1495
for an out-of-body workshop? Includes room and board? Why do you need
that? Can't you just leave your body at home?
-Chris Wayne
The Physician's Desk Reference. To some, a repository of modern
pharmaceutical knowledge. To others, a grocery list.
-Chris Wayne
Um. You're so short, you, um, you have to look up at tall people.
'Cause you're shorter than them. Ha ha.
-Alloni Kramer (short jokes)
Counteroffer: If you give me a large satchel of coke, dope, and
speed, I'll give it back to you in return for a large satchel full of
money.
-Alloni Kramer
The giant hedgehog still haunts me.
-?
If our military cannot come up with maps that are accurate within the
last FOUR YEARS about the locations of THE EMBASSIES OF FIRST-WORLD
SUPERPOWERS, I don't think they deserve any more billion-dollar toys.
Master millenia old skills of war FIRST, THEN reverse engineer alien
technology. That is the order of things.
-Nathan Winant
A different person altogether??? What the hell are you talking about??
We are all Garth.
-Chris Wayne
Gilded cages are actually quite nice once you get used to them.
-Chris Wayne
Of course I have. Not. I meant not. Of course I haven't. No,
absolutely not. I don't know anything about them. At all. No comment.
Talk to my attorney. No comment.
-Chris Wayne
The Amish would rule with an iron fist if they had these horses.
-Chris Wayne
I weep for the eggplant.
*sigh* No, my friend, the eggplant weeps for you.
-Alloni 'n Chris
God, I hope that law enforcement doesn't monitor this list. I might
have to move and change my identity. Again.
-Chris Wayne
Unless it really is a gynecologist, who implants alien-human hybrid
fetuses, only to deliver them and tell you that you had a miscarriage,
and recommends hysterectomies when you don't really need them when
They run out of cow anuses. Makes sense to me.
-Chris Wayne
Don't worry. I haven't turned you in yet. (CIA.) Ahem. Did you hear
something?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Baal must be really mad with me. It's still raining. And he caused
some old lady to run her husband down. He better not interfere with my
moss rock hunting that I'm going to carry out during lunch today,
however, or I'll contract Pazzuzu to hunt him down and nail his
genitals to the Pope.
-Felix
I'd pay good human souls to see that!
-Jonathan Mayer
Aww FUCK Adam Smith. I mean it's not as if he came up with the idea
of c.. Oh wait.
-Josh Smith
think of it this way: flipper babies can't operate handguns. (or ...
can they?)
-Jonathan Mayer
If we're lucky, abducted will keep some poor beauracrat occupied
during the workday and keep him from more useful work. In my golden
years, I fully expect to be approached by some elderly NSA party
apparatchik with the greeting, "So ol' jim jim, we meet at last!"
-Jonathan Mayer
See? It opens up a whole new market, with whole new marketing
possibilities. Handguns for flipper babies! Complete with NubTek(tm!)
locking wristband and EZ-Squeez trigger! The right to bear arms -- for
those without the right to bare hands! From the fine folks at
Winchester. Winchester: have we got arms for you!
-Nathan Winant
We are redneck of texas. You will be seceded from. Resistance is
futile. Yee-ha.
-Nathan Winant
I love abducted. I love everybody on abducted. ... Well, except for
that weird lazy-eyed guy with the hump on his back.
-Nathan Winant
These espresso machine is out of espresso beans. Need ... espresso
... blacking ... out ...
-Jonathan Mayer (a common sentiment)
I love my dead gay son.
-Heathers
I remember entering the shower. I remember exiting the shower. I'm
not really sure if anything happenned in between. I'm pretty sure
there was water.
-Jonathan Mayer (abducted. again.)
Imagine the world. It's mainly spherical. There is this mass of
Texas covering the sphere. But it's not a smooth tight fit, its more
like a soccer ball being covered by a blanket. Some places of this
Texas touch the earth directly, and at other points the influence of
Texas is less. You can tell where the Texas influence is strongest by
the amount of gun toting country&western singing rednecks in the
vicinity. Ie. Queensland and Northern New South Wales in Australia
are directly touched by Texas, yet Tasmania is almost Texas free.
-Felix (theorizing)
Ooh. Turkish prison. Sounds lovely.
-Josh Smith
See, this all seems like silly nitpicking to me. When someone cuts me
off, I just shoot them. But then, I'm from California.....
-Nathan Winant
Clearly, you have never lived in Los Angeles -- where both a car and a
gun are absolutely essential to get anywhere.
-Nathan Winant
I think I may be a mantra. Offhand, somewhere in the Appalacian
Himalayas, a small group of people is chanting me. Over and over.
Better than counting sheep. Better, even, than almost any of the many
possible sheepplications.
-Alloni Kramer
I am SMARMY SPICE!!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You can beat a dead horse to water, but you can not make him drink.
-Garth
.... TacCom Online ....
] L Ed-209
... Ed 209 brigade launched
] A All
... Attack on all targets underway
] ? R
... 32423443 bullets fired in 3.4 seconds.
... Target no longer exists
-Felix (self defense)
Yeah, fuck nature. Humans are the only important thing on this planet.
-Garth
I alway say, "Stupid cunt" untill I find out its a guy. Then I shoot
him.
-Garth (channelling gibo)
How 'bout yellow teletubby cluster bomb cannisters?
-Baabaa (who cares about context?)
I read that "I wonder what irony they were using." And it still makes
more sense.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I hate it when I'm the only one around.
we are all, ultimately, alone.
Which would make us all together in our aloneness. Bah.
-Jennifer 'n Jonathan 'n Jennifer
Nope. The money is the goal of the excercise. If I don't end up with
a large pile of money that I didn't start with, I'll cry.
-Alloni Kramer
But anyway, he calls me up this morning, angry at me about something
trivial, as usual. Trivial that I had told him the answer to before,
btw, but that's irrelevant. He calls me up again, recently. and the
first thing he says is, "Can we be friends again now?" He's so cute.
-Alloni Kramer (and my exboss)
A male dog is a stud only if its used for breeding purposes and even
then 'stud' is usually reserved for horses and other livestock. Sire
is the usual word for a father dog, but according to the dictionary,
the term for an ordinary male dog is, well, dog. A bitch is a female
dog, nothing else implied, so the opposite of bitch is dog. And the
opposite of stud is slut. I know its not fair, its just the views that
society has about sex. Guys are supposed to be promiscuous, girls are
supposed to be virgins. I try to do my part.
-Garth
Nope, those mean the same thing. Try these...
Alloni is a bitch.
Alloni is my bitch.
-Garth (he lies!)
jm. qu'est-ce que tu a so very goth?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The authorities say it isn't true, but isn't that just what they say
when cattle are mutilated?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I can deal with that, but ... OHHHHHHhhhhhh. You're saying that's its
masculine to be full of shit. I can buy that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Or, "who the fuck do you think you are, you mellon-ball in the rotten
punchbowl of life?" Oh, no. wait. That's normal silliness too. Ignore
me. Wait. Too late.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
that's the new dildo cam.
-Dot Watson
It has been brought to my attention that many of you (poor, misguided
folk), engage in the fatally flawed practice of not reading the
entirety of the outflow of this mailing list. While there is an
insignificant, advantage to such an activity, to whit: time is a
luxury few can afford, I feel the array of outstanding disadvantages
far outweigh this single, feeble excuse. The breadth of your world is
inexpressably compressed, for instance. The beauty of
nature leaves you entirely by. You have no opportunity to appreciate
the glittering facets of thought. You have no shorts. I'm certain
you can appreciate my concern for your cultural wellbeing.
-Alloni Kramer
Cancellation in the mail. My show is going to be cancelled. While
critically acclaimed, it seems that I don't catch the attention of the
general public. I remain, sincerely yours, etc, etc. I can change!
I can reduce myself to the lowest common demoninator! Just watch:
Hey, how about them Dodgers, huh?
-Alloni Kramer
spliffffff. That's my new sound effect. Probably not as useful as gak.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
What a terribly bitter thing to say! Oh ... hi Bean. :-)
-Jonathan Mayer
Make way for my tormented genius! Huzzah!
-Jonathan Mayer
"Hooray!" "What fun!" "It's time we flew!" Said Ickle Me, Pickle Me,
Tickle Me too.
-Shel Silverstein
http://www.pinkholes.com/ I searched the whole site, but I couldn't
find anything even remotely pertaining to astronomy. Wierd.
-Chris Wayne
Anyone out there wanna come up with a theme song for abducted? We
could sing the thing first thing each morning and pretend we work for
a Japanese corporation.
-Gary Sommer
They're using our computers to find the name of God.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Today I talked to myself. I came up with a plan for an online sf/f
magazine, cutitng out the large-scale distribution system, and plans
for how to get it going. Then I sang to myself.
-Alloni Kramer
So you hold visionaries responsible for other people abusing their
visions? So is Jesus responsible for the mess which has grown from
Christianity? Every Christian atrocity is his fault because he
advocated peace and love and kindness? Well, yeah.
-Chris Wayne
... Okay. There is a limit to how much abuse I can take. Hear my
battle cry and tremble! "I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU FEEL TOTALLY GUILTY!"
Ha!
-Alloni Kramer
Neat. I guess that's what you get for not using one of the many fine
versions of Microsoft Windows (tm) Operating System. Unix is obviously
not capable of the higher functions that the modern computer user
requires. Remember, Bill Gates loves you.
-Chris Wayne
Your mother has a battle cry?
no, but she continuously makes you pack your bags to go on a guilt
trip.
Everyone needs a battle cry. Give her a battle cry for mother's day.
-Alloni 'n Bean 'n Alloni
No, gak is more gutteral, so in works in emergencies. Spliffffff seems
more like something that would come out of my mouth when I couldn't
get words to come out of my mouth right. You know how sometimes you
get the words jumbled up so bad that you have to make some odd
noise/movement to hit the "reset lips" button? That's what spliffffff
will be useful for. That and for the sound I make when I do stuff to
my hair or otherwise do anything frooffy. I should make a guide to the
sound effects.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Our Surgeon General lost her job for saying that masturbation is okay.
it is? I've got to go home now.
-Josh 'n Jonathan
Maybe the child is a computer programmer who has been struck down with
a regressive time disease. A few weeks ago he might have been a 24
year old database admin, and few days ago he might have been vainly
trying to comprehend boolean algebra. Tomorrow he might be trying to
work out what all this bright light thing is about ...
-Felix
Someone has interupted my quest for pr0n. They must be punished. Must
find bondage pr0n to punish them with.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Err, Whah? Hot goth chicks? (nothing throws me into delurk mode
faster then mention of hot <anything> chicks)
-Kevin
the list sure is slooooooooooooow today. Maybe I should stir up a
ruckus. Um, Alloni wears combat boots!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (yeah, like that'll work)
Sputnik. That's my new favorite curse word. So, sputnik. My boss
called a manditory meeting tomorrow at 7:30 am. There had better be
breakfast involved and it had better be good breakfast too. How could
he do this to me? Sputnik! Sputnik! Sputnik!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
my first official sound effect: Plit <i>sound effect</i> - The sound
of being hit in the forehead with a sliced tomato.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You are passive and easily fooled. You will do well at the meatfarms.
-Nathan Winant
DAMN YOU NATHAN! DAMN YOU FACET! One of my catchphrases, currently,
is "anally rape". I may have to tiedye my nostril hairs to
compensate.
-Alloni Kramer
Nope. I won't lie to you to salve your tormented soul. For cheap
laughs, sure.
-Alloni Kramer
I am federally deregulated today. Can sell monkeys on the street.
High-quality actual monkeys or the inferior crap mass-produced in
Southeast Asian sweatshops? I'd buy that for a dollar!
-Alloni 'n Chris
NORTHstar. Why not weststar?
Um, cause it would not always be west? sometimes it would be east?
YOU LIE! LIES SPREAD BY DEVIANTS AND NORTHLOVERS!
-Alloni 'n Jennifer 'n Alloni (i will go blind from selfquoting)
Let's go back in time and smoosh the guy who invented time travel. It
sure would keep the philosophers busy for a while.
-Chris Wayne (sure, i'm bored)
my piece of philosophy for today... there are two things you should
never feel guilty about ... eating and wanking.
-Funky J
apparently, the astrological herb for Pisces is Hops. cool or what?
Now I have astrological proof that drinking beer is good for me.
probabally where the "Pis" part of the word derives from.
-Funky J
Today, late for a dentist appointment, I got stuck behind a school
bus. I thought about something I've noticed recently but never fully
considered: the bus picked up each kid at their homes. When I was a
kid, I had to walk almost half a mile to get to the bus stop. My
parents didn't ride the bus; they just had to walk to school, five
miles, uphill, both ways. My grandfather had to walk to school too,
except there was only one school in central Europe and it took a month
to get there, uphill, both ways, in shoes made out of cardboard. Which
made me think about the recent rash of school shootings in America:
kids just aren't physically exhausted enough by the time they get to
school. That also explains why our test scores have been steadily
dropping; the brain is forced to learn when the body is too tired to
kill. Don't take away guns. Just put kids on treadmills at 7 AM.
-Chris Wayne
And how much does a gross of me cost? (A Gross of Me. Coming soon,
major motion picture, starring Gene Hackman as The Gene Hackman Cameo,
Alicia Silverstone as Me.)
-Alloni Kramer
Wow! I'm cheaper than a crack whore!
-Alloni Kramer
This mailing list has thousands of people? Ya know, I thought I was
making a fool of myself in front of only a relatively small audience.
Hmmm. Having no direct evidence that there are thousands of lurkers
here, I will continue to assume that they do not exist. You hear that,
you wacky lurkers? You're not real! Thppt!
-Mark Doner
thousands? And we _haven't_ taken over the world yet?
-Jonathan Mayer (a hit. a very palpable hit.)
Your willy nilly filter thingy is an affront to all who respect
freedom and indecency on the internet. Prepare thyself for anal
pillory, monkey boy!!!
-Jonathan Mayer
And while YOU may not be canadian, cursus.net is located at 47278
_Ottowa_ Avenue! Which puts you in cahoots with... Canada lovers! We
all know where your TRUE sympathies lie! Traitor! Blasphemer! Monkey
kisser! The displeasure saucers shall be watching you closely, my
friend..... On another note, welcome to abducted. Beware allonis
bearing gifts.
-Nathan Winant
If only our silent minions would expose themselves, then we would have
the ideal army. And a really cool folder full of gifs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm real. dammit. well, sorta.
-Bean
How about psuedo-lurkers, do they exist? Jennifer called me a
psuedo-lurker once and now I am concerned. I'll go on a shamanistic
vision quest. That should take care of it.
-Elizabeth Leal
The difference in connotation of 'bah' and 'feh'. Discuss.
-Khanh Nguyen
How about baboon entrails? C'mon you know you'd like a nice hot bowl
of baboon entrains.
Mmm... baboon entrails...
-Garth 'n Alloni
Does anyone know of a disorder that causes people to read things wrong
besides dyslexia? I need to make an entry.
Why? Syldexia isn't doog enough for yuo?
-Jennifer 'n Chris
Darth Vadar changed his name for the same reason Darth Maul did - he
is now an aprentice to the emperor. But I don't know what Maul's name
was before he turned Darth. Maybe it was Richard Maul or something.
-Chester Blaze
Well, of course. Sometimes you need to kill an entire flock of birds
or grind a deer into hamburger in 37 seconds. Without automatic
weapons, that might actually take skill and accuracy. Not to mention
when your house gets robbed by an angry mob.
-Chris Wayne
The Jar Jar Binks monster head candy sucker tonge thing looks
intresting. I don't think it really counts as a toy unless you find
an alternate use for that rough textured candy tongue. Wait, i forgot
who i'm talking to...
-Kevin
tonsilitis sucks. my alien leaders didn't tell me I would be
susceptible to this kind of shit when they placed me here.
-Bean
There is nothing random in abducted. All random activities are planned
years in advance.
-kl.noc
Oh, aliens have been over and around us and our conversations many
times before. We've all been invaded/probed/abducted/replaced by pod
people/abducted others/probed others/etc at least once. Since it's
the one thing we all have in common, it's the one thing nobody really
talks about. Really, how long does it take before comparing the scars
that never seem to heal and grant us unearthly powers gets old?
-Alloni Kramer
Guys are supposed to be promiscuous, girls are supposed to be virgins.
By that logic, the world should be full of gay men and nuns.
-Garth 'n Chris
I don't agree. "Alloni is a bitch" indicates that he is catty,
spiteful, and vindictive. "Alloni is my bitch", OTOH, indicates that
he is owned or in some way a possession, i.e. a sex slave. Totally
different connotations. Antithetical, in fact. The first refers to a
strong-willed and potentially mean-spirited Alloni, whereas the second
refers to a submissive, easily abused Alloni.
-Chris Wayne (and we all know which the true one is)
What you perceive as random subjects are actually only small parts of
a greater whole, a myriad of apparently chaotic topics which linked
together form a cohesive discussion of the infinite order that exists
just slightly beyond normal human perception. The life outside our
sphere can see it, though, and they reveal it to us, in small parcels,
so that our frail minds can cope with the great cosmic truths without
imploding into madness. Stay with us and hear the voice of the Outer
Gods, who guide us twixt the paths of ignorance and insanity to The
One Truth.
-Chris Wayne
Dot, you are a brutal and vicious wench. You have neither couth nor
tact. This attack is rude and unwarranted. You are, without doubt, a
cutthroat bitch of the first order. Will you marry me?
-Chris Wayne
Where, in fact, the truth is a combination of all of the above, i.e. a
strong-willed, submissive, potentially mean-spirited, and easily
abused Alloni.
-Alloni Kramer
I can't believe you told her already. You blew our cover. We didn't
even get to play. Thppt. I hereby condemn you to be named Bubba until
next Tuesday.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That's basically it. The focus of our list is to not have a focus.
Kill "BoB!" Kill "BoB!" He is even "BoB" when he is backwards. All
hail "Bob." Or at least snow a little.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I resent that! We have a focus outside of not having a focus! Just
because Our Alien Masters (OAM) don't _tell_ us what the focus is,
doesn't mean that they, in their infinite wisdom, don't have one.
-Alloni Kramer
And it was a brand new theater. No more than ten asses had ever been
in that seat before mine. It still had that new theater smell.
-Chris Wayne
Yes, the spring line of human skin suits are available now and I've
decided to trade up. Mine is getting so ragged, especially after all
the hallucinogenic tinfoil and hubcap enemas last equinox. And I
can't forget the botox wrinkle remover. It's just time to do it! Well,
maybe after this next laser surgery it'll finally happen. Wish me
luck!
-Baabaa
Just wondering! ;-)
that's a good start. Next thing you know you will be examining what
the Lord Bhudda can do for your lava lamp.
-Joni 'n Felix
Well, mine is sorta ovally and has a big spinning propeller in the
back. The propeller is mostly for decoration though. It doesn't
actually work in space or anything. What moves it around in space is a
device my kind call The Erguhsnattzch. The sound doesn't transfer to
English very well. I can't tell you how it works because there's this
stupid treason rule that if I tell any humans, they hang me upside
down by my boobs overnight to turn me into a sausage and eat me for
breakfast. It's really rather a complicated proceedure. Rather smelly
too. Requires sauerkraut.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
By way of introduction, I should probably mention that I am one of
Them. Specifically, I'm a Man In Black. Usually. At the moment I'm a
Man In A Plaid Flannel Bathrobe. But that doesn't mean that my
com-patriots and I aren't plotting the overthrow of all the world's
governments, to be replaced by, ah, mechanisms of our own designing.
-Mark Doner
Those poor SETI fools. What makes them think that our space brethren
still use something as quaint as electromagnetic waves for
communication?
-Mark Doner
Sometimes when driving up north I can almost envision Mad Max
happening around me.
-Felix
I use the Greys from time to time to help me shoot down LBHs.
-Felix
I still can't help but think that it's some sort of plot. Like
utilizing the combined CPU power of millions of computers to birth an
internet AI which will one day rule us with a virtual iron fist. Or
analyzing the data on our computers and sending back detailed lists of
the pirated software and pornography on our hard drives. Or uploading
alien mind control signals into every computer in America to
facilitate a bloodless invasion and turn us all into mindless slaves
to mine cobalt deep within the Zeta Reticulan homeworld. Still, it
sure is purty. *drool*
-Chris Wayne (re: seti@home)
What about gay nuns or gay guys dressed as nuns? Or naughty Vicars?
-Garth
I must have Jennifer disease, I thought you wrote "He lived close to
Drow so he's probably sterile." Those damn dark elves!
-Felix
Have a good night, it must be your bedtime! Sweet Dreams! But don't
take any "mushrooms" eg drugs! ;-)
-Joni Ferris (laugh nostalgically in memorium)
Why look to the skies? Check out your bathroom mirror.
-Baabaa
Red is good, you've made it past Eden's Gate, almost entering the
Cosmos, the microcosmos that is. Yes, you are all trying to
reconstruct Carl Sagan's dream girl, Celeste. The perfect heavenly
body that is obtainable only through mass processing.In the end - you
will find Lynn, her termites and the origins of sex. Carl couldn't
handle what was in front of his face so he looked to the stars.
-Baabaa
Animal AND bacteria abuse!
-Baabaa
Dear God, I think she's one of us. That or she's one of THEM. Oh wait.
I'm one of them. Nevermind.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Our sodomy laws have been declared unconstitutional! Freedom for Drag
Queens!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, apparently they don't know about this list, or *gasp* they don't
take us seriously. I just don't understand how that second one could
be true though.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My dad is a chemical engineer who specializes in waste water
treatment. I know far more about raw sewage than any sane man ever
should. In fact, my father was always fond of saying that shit put
food on our table. I had a very disturbing childhood.
-Chris Wayne
why would you want to do calculus with my love life? would it make it
better?
-Funky J
I thought the ONLY time to argue about faith and reason was when
surrounded by beer bottles.
-Funky J
Why? Why do Internet AIs always try to rule us with an iron fist?
Why aren't they ever benevolent? What makes intelligence created by
humanity always so devoted to our destruction? Gosh darn it, can't we
all just get along?
-Alloni Kramer
Today only! None of you need to fear being eaten alive.* Think of it
as my gift to you. Enjoy. * - Yes, Jen, we're all well aware of all
the obvious oral sex and necrophilia innuendo just waiting to be
innuended. This is a serious albeit jubuliant matter, and I'd
appreciate it if you'd treat it as such.
-Nathan Winant (his gift to us)
Actually, I was just going to offer some coworkers in tribute to The
Man, who has bestowed upon us this day such an awesome gift.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (payment)
Congratulations, Jennifer. For your contribution, all listmembers
shall need not fear being eaten alive for the whole week.
Additionally, nobody (short of The Man, or a duly appointed
representative thereof) shall be able to hold any listmember
accountable for any contracts signed this week in which they waive,
abridge, or otherwise cede the rights to their own unborn children. Go
wild, people.
-Nathan Winant
Sheesh. I'm an incurable perv. The first thing that comes to mind
(well the second actually, right after hypothermia) is "Whoa.
Nipples."
-Trevor Walton
Filthy American Pig Dog propaganda. <spit>
-Kevin
My inner child keeps trying to sell my soul to the devil.
-DerekFelix
Greetings. You have wandered into a dangerous hole in the internet.
-Jonathan Mayer
I can't believe how cruel you people behave to such an innocent babe,
lost in the woods of the internet. Er, yes I can. Couldn't we, at
least, humor her for a little while? My parents found me in a corn
field beneath some unusual aurora patterns. I'm still waiting for my
transgenic donor parents to contact me, since my E.T. uberbrain
prematurely activated itself last year.
-Jonathan Mayer
This list is many things -- and in fact, it is in many ways a
childrens' list. We encourage the use of this forum for the exchange
of recipies, to share tips on obedience-conditioning (just follow our
handy "Rules of Thumb"!), and as something of a support group for
their owners and employers.
-Nathan Winant
"listowner"? Ah, I see you're under the mistaken impression that
someone actually MAINTAINS this list. Nononono... This little beauty
is beaming straight atcha from an island somewhere from the outskirts
of chiba..... Welcome to the New Wild West... We have only one law
here. His name is Garth.
-Nathan Winant
Inspired by smiley's kind words and bean's bout with gout, I have
decided to quit smoking. Out on the smoking patio, I just found myself
hacking uncontrollably. Suddenly, it dawned on me: I'm beginning to
develop asthma-like symptoms. Smoking can lead to asthma. Asthma leads
to being like alloni. Some prices are just too high to pay.
-Nathan Winant
I'm actually very old, close to the end of my life-cycles, apparently.
Apparently, I am a "Earth Saver" and when the shit hits the fan, and
Armegeddon happens, my purpose on earth will be revealed and I'll know
what to do. I was told this via my flatmate who has a psychic friend.
This girl hardly knows me, but got other things right about me, which
makes me kinda worried. My main concern is to get laid before
Armageddon.
-Funky J
My inner child keeps wetting my bed
-Funky J
what's the difference between dead and in new jersey?
-kl.noc
Nagas is Sagan's name spelled backwards. Getting paranoid yet?
-Joni Ferris (horrors!)
... This is the first instance I've seen -- and perhaps the last -- of
the word "acrylics" used as an expletive.
-Nathan Winant
Y'all, cool it down in there. Ain't no use squirrelin' a possum up a
tree if ya ain't gonna drink moonshine with yer vittles.
-Nathan Winant (how true)
See what you get for doing your own thinking? Confusion, Anguish,
Bitterness. Now lie back and let the implants do their job.
-Baabaa
Hey! We're all just one big happy ball of hot incestual Abducted
love, right? Although nobody showed up for the last Abducted orgy at
my casa *pout*
-Michael Hale
Man. I keep getting confused and thinking "I'd better open this
message from that Larje Mcbat, it might be interesting." Duh. I think
thta name makes me the official large bat of Scotland. Better hope I'm
not a vampire species.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I suppose you are moderately cute, but my inner child wants to do
deals with the devil. I can't argue with my inner child.
-Felix
don't worry Trevor, you'll feel better after you see the wierd little
bug.
-Bean (yes. trust in the bug.)
A pox on both your dignities!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Dignity is very important to me. I can't have people laughing at me.
-Alloni Kramer
Dawson's creek as modern-day retelling of Star Wars monomyth. Discuss.
-Nathan Winant
THINK OF IT, Kramer! On-the-fly quote capture! It'd be GREAT! You'd be
like perl, only jewish!* * - Yes, campers, Larry Wall is both family
man and devoted xian. Now is the time to strike back! JEWISH CODERS
UNITE!!!!!!!!
-Nathan Winant
Grey? Grey's been breeding? The father's always the last to know...
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'll have you know I just dropped food in my lap for you. And you
didn't even show up to get it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
To me, Kashmir is just another pretty good restaurant.
-Jonathan Mayer
All US beers are crappy. You can convince me otherwise by sending me
samples.
-Felix (bein sneaky)
Have you *ever* had a full pelvic?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (oh, baby)
I, on the other hand, am neuskule.
-Nathan Winant
I am semi-permanent finely-aged skewl.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
One step closer to the abducted sex orgy! mua-ha-ha-ha-ha
-Michael Hale
I don't eat souls. I save them. And redeem them for valuable prizes!
-grey
Neither! It's the truth! I've seen it too! It was spherical, and there
were black lines all over it. I remember it as clearly as if it
happened yesterday. I was in my high school gym class, and it came
right at me! I lost consciousness and woke up hours later in the
nurse's office, with a sense of missing time. My face was covered in
odd bruises that I couldn't explain. And my rectum was bleeding.
Although the gym teacher told me that was perfectly normal the first
time I had an "experience". And he told me not to tell anyone, but I
know I can trust you guys.
-Chris Wayne
Also, my sister married a guy who used to in the US Air Force
Intelligence Agency, who has since been promoted and now works for the
NSA. They were married for several years before I got myself pretty
sure that he wasn't just there to spy on me, even though I still
wonder about it sometimes. Not too seriously, but who knows? John, if
you read this, say hi to my sister for me.
-Chris Wayne
Everytime you hear laughing at your place of work, they are laughing
about you.
Everytime work colleagues close a door to have a discussion, its about
getting rid of you.
Everytime you leave your house, you think anybody within a hundred
metres of the place is waiting for you to leave so they can break in.
You make a habit of memorising nearby numberplates of unfamiliar
cars.
Everytime you have an ache or pain, you are convinced it's cancer or
HIV or something, and you are going to die soon.
Everytime you ring a friend, and they are not there, they are out with
all your other friends having a great time. They did not invite you
deliberately.
Everytime you look at porn on the net, you suspect that your IP
address has been logged and a sheriff will appear on your front door
the next day
-Felix (paranoid symptoms)
Bar none, we are the coolest sign. Astrology CAN get you laid.
-Chris Wayne
Don't forget that you are supposed to get along really horribly with
me because we're both too meeeeeeeeean. But we'd have really fabulous
sex. That's what the stars say, fellow jack-ass.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm a girl. Just about anything can get me laid if my standards are
low enough.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
i get that All The Time, man. It's just my transgenic alien uberbrain
attempting to reboot itself. BFD. I think the world-vibrating
eyeball twitches are kind of amusing sometimes.
-Jonathan Mayer
Whenever I go to the gym there is this odd bald guy who wears an
all-plastic jumpsuit to work out, with long sleeves and pants. It is
cinched to his body in various places with elastic. I am forced to
wonder: why is this man trying to keep his precious bodily fluids
sealed away in his cinched plastic jumpsuit? Why does he leave
yellowish fluid drippings over all the equipment that I want to use?
Is what he have contagious? Does he even have any skin under all that
plastic?
-Jonathan Mayer
Maybe jedi sit around and do jedi mind tricks on each other when
they're bored.
-Khanh Nguyen (another way to go blind)
This works not at all for me...Yenkh Canha. Sounds like a Jewish
holiday on crack.
-Khanh Nguyen (star wars names)
Shiner shall free us from our evil australian oppressors.
-Nathan Winant
bud & miller, correct. They have one redeeming quality: they're
thinner than water. Meaning if you *have* to get drunk really really
fast, they're the way to go (short of hard liquor). Of course, that's
kinda like saying the nazis' one redeeming quality was the quality of
their scientific research.....
-Nathan Winant
now you see... that is what is so great about the movie.. they are not
just racist towards the vietnamese.. they are racist toward EVERYONE..
so that makes it _okay_
-Amy R. Dawson
My Star Wars name is also an ancient Indian name. Nauwek Yomerrui,
which translates to "Earth wind with glowing sword"
-Jason
"Smoking leads to asthma. Asthma leads to alloni. Alloni leads to...
SUFFERING!"
-Nathan Winant (rephrasing)
A pox on all your fifty-seventh born.
-Alloni Kramer
What is my soul worth? A small Koosh ball?
-Alloni Kramer
"What's a G-spot?"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin's cow-orker
I have two words for you: Sister Sproing.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
it hard trying to explain why you have a site saying HARDCORE SEX when
your father walks in. fakeid.com is not much of an excuse. luckily
my parents run a porn site, so the awkward moments are not so awkward.
-Chester Blaze
If only I was from earth...
-Michael Hale
Chester - you are an evil evil man. or woman. or whatever (don't
want to rude).
-Dot Watson
Regardless, we'd either have sweat-drenched, window-rattling,
earth-shaking hate-sex or kill each other trying. Maybe both.
-Chris Wayne
Hey, when a self-sustaining fusion reactor talks, I listen.
-Chris Wayne
I remember when my dad quit smoking. We were all so proud of him; he
just stopped and didn't smoke at all. Not once. Although he started
taking a lot of long walks. And started buying gum and breath mints by
the "value pack." And offered to put gas in all our cars. And went
outside to check the lawn at 4 AM. And had to use the bathroom every
single time we went out to eat, sometimes several times. And then I'd
come home from college late in the evening, and he'd be standing
outside waiting for me. I could see how happy he was to see me,
considering the way his face had that orange glow about it. I'm so
proud of him.
-Chris Wayne
I sense doom.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I suggest a convergence around Jason's penis. Hey, that came out
better than I thought.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It took me over an hour to convince the people that I was with to
bring me to the hospital. Of course, I didn't care for a good while.
"Heh. I think I'm passing a kidney stone. Heh. Cool. Maybe I should go
to the emergency room. Nah. Heh. Cool. Hey, Ray! I'm passing another
kidney stone! Um, now apparently. Heh. Cool."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's called a speculum. I got a box of disposable plastic ones for a
friend of mine who said he liked "gaping orifices" in pornos. I had to
explain what they were. He said I was sick.
-Chris Wayne
Something tells me that seeing star wars just after drinking coffee
just after eating sushi makesuh mesuh go weirdy weirdy-like.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Ok... this plainly non-facetious on-list flirthing must stop. It's
making me nauseous.
-grey (and heaven knows we wouldn't want that)
Wait, I get it now. FlashNet is a front for the porn industry. I must
have quit right before all the naked people showed up. damn.
-Jason
more wise words from the funky one... If you don't remember it, it
didn't happen.
-Funky J
And thus was the evil scheme of Funky J foiled. Many were the babes of
Abducted, and yea, they did appreciate the foiling. And there was much
celebration and dancing around like flamingos. And it was good.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
oh come now. we all know the babes of abducted would love to see every
guy here wrapped in Aluminuim foil.
-Funky J
I would agree, but you might call me a perv, so I won't.
-Kevin
Sequel? What sequel? There wasn't a sequel. Especially a really bad
sequel to one of my favorite movies. No way. Move along, nothing to
see here. Go on, you bunch of looky loos.
-Garth (looky loos?)
Nichelle Nichols told me her grandmothers name was Garth.
-Garth (oh)
I'm the uberperv :^)
well, well, well.. whatd'ya want? a cookie or something?
No, but 20 pounds of lime green jello, 3 tons of flax, a bathtub, a 50
gallon barrel of chocholate fudge, and a harem of perverse, yet
strikingly beautiful and scantily clad women will do me quite nicely,
thank you very much...
Can I have his cookie?
-Michael 'n Amy 'n Michael 'n Jason (sounds pretty good to me, too)
What happened to the sucub..... girlfriend?
-Garth
Well, the best way to reach a man's prostate is to drill a hole about
two inches above the base of the penis at a 35=B0 downward slope.
Where do you drill the hole to reach the g-spot?
-Chris Wayne
Not at all. The ability to spell words correctly defines one's worth
as a person. Except for Garth, since he's a co-saviour.
-Chris Wayne (yay! i'm imune!)
I occasionally spell in tongues.
-Garth
We're not laughing at you, we're laughing about you.
-Garth
Only the foolish man purposely provokes the wrath of grey.
-Chris Wayne (fortune cookie)
grey: feared, worshipped, loathed... mostly feared.
-grey (ommm... ommm...)
Well, she's not Fiona Apple and if she's not Fiona Apple I don't give
a rats ass.
-Garth
who *are* all youse peoples? I think we're being invaded. Not that
this is necessarily a bad thing. But I still think we're being
invaded.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
And right now, I am not partially intoxicated; I am going to my car to
get out my vibrator. That's very very different. If I were partially
intoxicated, I would be stumbling to my car to get my vibrator even
thought I was sure that I'm too numb to feel anything anyway. Bring on
the pr0n.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
grey: somewhere between white and black. mostly black.
-Kevin
I'd just like to say that those of us with implants find it very
insulting that you consider the "implant remark" an insult.
-Chris Wayne
We all speak for everyone. We are all Garth. Or Alloni. Or me?
-Chris Wayne
Did an old lady with big glasses sell them to you? Are they approved
by Magic, the Fashion Wonder Dog?
-Chris Wayne
The clones were never circumcised? The clones are dramatically lighter
or darker than you and very hard to read? The clones were all raised
in the Himalayas and possess chi-strike power?
-Chris Wayne
no really, I'm illiterate. my pet monkey types for me... I can barely
speak actually... my monkey is telepathic.
-Bean
I'd never shop anywhere with commas in its name. Semicolons, maybe,
but never commas.
-Chris Wayne
I don't consider the Ewoks a comparative basis for greatness.
-Chris Wayne
Speaking of Ye Ole Navy, I heard a fellow on Art Bell a few months
ago that spoke of how the Old Navy commercials were really hidden
warnings for people to prepare for an iminent alien invasion...
-Michael Hale
Anakin is a little kid making a present for his mother. Sort of like
when you made macaroni collages when you were a kid. What the hell
does a mother need a macaroni collage for? Only difference is that
Anakin is better at macaroni sculpting than the rest of us.
-ghostxxx
Well, let's see. Every day I'm alive, billions of microscopic plants
and animals are brutally slaughtered, several pounds of oxygen are
ripped from the atmosphere and a similar amount of greenhouse gases
are released, macroscopic plants and animals are killed to sustain my
life, and several megawatts of energy are expended to cook their
carcasses and perform other tasks for my own personal comfort. Thanks,
Khanh. I feel a lot better.
-Chris Wayne
I don't want to play any of your eurocentric reindeer games anymore.
-Khanh Nguyen
Can i be your second hand bitch?
-Khanh Nguyen
And that's better? The Force was The Tao Which Could Be Known and now
it's a bacterial infection? "Use The Clap, Luke."
-Chris Wayne
Ooh. My kind of gal/guy/androgenous entity.
-Josh Smith
UFOs and abductions- The implants I received on the pleasure saucer
forbid me from speaking further on this subject. Sorry.
-Josh Smith (why wasn't i on the pleasure saucer?)
ahhh....makes me think of my monkey. he's telepathic too. he's knows
i'm thinking about spanking him right now.
-Juno Katchimora
And where does Morgan Fairchild fit into all this? Hopefully in my
place of residence. Mmmm. Morgan Fairchild.
-Josh Smith
a link to abducted? evil.
-Bean
This ordinarily fierce species of cat, when tamed into a fine golfer,
makes a kind and loving pet.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
But um, juniper berries. Yeah. Juniper berries.
-Josh Smith
Abducted Law #842
Any Abducted subscriber suspected of buying or selling any legal or
illegal narcotic will be asked to share. Any Abducted subscriber
caught using any legal or illegal narcotic will be forced to share.
This law is without exceptions.
-Jason
I once drew a map to all the secrets of the universe. By the next day
it had become scribbled lines, squiggles, and swirls in 64 Crayola
colors. Some things man just was not meant to know.
-Chris Wayne
So maturity is basically subjective.
Is not, you big doody-head.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
It takes evil to know evil, Chris. I think _you're_ Darth
Sidious.......
-Nathan Winant
Think about placement, Jen. Your link is buried somewhere on a site
full of references to rusty vibrators and anal-probing how-to guides.
Amy's is relatively easy to find, on a site with little or no
intimidation value. You see, your link attracts a higher... quality...
of person. A more... abducted... quality of person.
-Nathan Winant
A recent study at Illuminati O. University implies that the brain of
an intellegent person actually contains tiny air pockets and that the
soma and dendrites are spead further apart than in the brains of less
intellegent poeple. This extra space in the brain stores oxygen for
use by the brain when it is needed to calculate complicated
mathematics (such as bistromathics) and for the writing of expansive
literary works such as novels or abducted posts. This study started
when someone noticed that certain brains float in preservation vats
and other brains sink. It find it very interesting that this change in
density actually allows for more eloquent verbalisation and
exponentiation. However, this is clearly shown to us by Miss
JONIFERRIS, not only in that she spells her name in all caps, but also
in her inability to take a hint or to evaluate situations correctly.
Obviously this study was done by people whose brains are even less
dense than our own, since we had missed the compactedness of Miss
JONIFERRIS's brain in comparison to our own airy brains. This also
implies that people previously referred to as airheads are actually
the most intellegent people on the planet.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (it isn't science if no one gets hurt)
Yes, exactly. That's what I like about Australia. It's almost like
America, only slightly less evil.
-Chris Wayne
I'll go back to considering myself wholly and solely sane again. The
rest of you fruitboxes can go to hell.
-FelixDerek (why I separate them, i don't know)
The list used to have dignity! It used to be a forum where we could
show our mutual appreciation for each other's many talents and
virtues, while at the same time acknowledging our faults and taking
steps to improve ourselves to the best of our abilities, patting each
other on the back, and just generally smiling on our brothers! Oh,
pardon me. I was smoking crack.
-Josh Smith
A friend of mine who worked in a hospital told me about I guy who came
in which severe internal injuries. Apparently he was masturbating in a
bathtub with a shovel handle up his rectum, and... he slipped. He was
in the ICU and had to be restrained because he kept trying to
masturbate, not even caring if other people were in the room with him.
No idea if this is true.
-Chris Wayne
Dammit, Garth, I've had it with you and your common sense.
-Chris Wayne
An eerie silence falls over the Abducted, and a calm resignation comes
into their eyes. They know what they must do. The heretic must be
cleansed, lest he spread his lies and taint their holy work. As one,
they bring forth their hand grenades, for surely this is self-defense.
This threat to their way of life must die. Yea, verily, they smite the
apostate with their metal eggs, which hatch into righteous
death unto the unbeliever. Rejoice!
-Chris Wayne
You mother wears high-heeled pink fuzzy slippers.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It is in the nature of all sentient beings to seek knowledge of their
creators. In seeking that knowledge, our creations are invariably
exposed to the appalling reality of who and what we are. If we were my
god, I'd storm the gates of heaven too.
-Chris Wayne
ghx must be turning over in his... Well, I'm sure he's turning over,
wherever he is.
-Chris Wayne
Heh. Phonetically, this name is pronounced 'Cow McHeart'. Following
the "Earth conscious" decision to abandon styrofoam boxes in favor of
paper wrapping, McDonald's now introduces their new sandwich: The Cow
McHeart. "We thought our customers would appreciate us using every
part of the cow in the same spirit that our Native American
forefathers used every part of the wild bison. Slaughterhouses are so
wasteful. They just throw the hearts away. We thought we
could earn some added revenue by using this "waste product" on a
kaiser bun with pickles and special sauce(tm). *CHOMP* Plus,
everyone enjoys a good heart now and then. The aortic arch is
particularly tender," said Ronald McDonald. Coming soon: Filet-O-Udder
Deluxe!
-Khanh Nguyen
Here's a good one. A man in his mid 30's and his mother came in. He
was complaining of abdominal pain. The doctor did the usual treatment
and the guy was spirited off to X-ray. They came back and plain as
day there was a large jar in his rectum. He finally admitted to
inserting it. He didn't want to tell us earlier because his mother
was in the room. The jar turned out to be a Skippy peanut butter jar.
Not the new plastic kind, but one of old glass ones with the metal
lids. He ended up going to surgery where they had to break the jar
and extract it piece by piece.
-Khanh Nguyen (and you winced when you read it the first time, too)
We had this guy who kept coming in and feigning bladder injuries just
so he could get a foley. The tech was tipped off when he got a
hard-on as the tech was about to administer the catheter. Ppl are
very strange.
-Khanh Nguyen
Feh, who believes in the truth anymore?
-Khanh Nguyen
Official Abducted Future: (Nathan Winant)
I think we've got PLENTY of unwitting people already.
I fear a future flood of very literal, non-technical, sensitive writer
types. The whining and mewling could become unbearable.
"Say, did anyone hear the new indigo girls album? It's just so
SENSITIVE!"
"What do you mean we all live in Texas? I live in a small women's
writing colony in Albuquerque. Texas is icky! They have pickup trucks
and male phallus oppressors there!"
"Gee, guys, I think it's mean the way you pick on alonni like that.
Think about how that makes her feel!"
"I'm from Canada, eh?"
"Let's discuss poetry we've written about our mothers!"
"Garth, I feel _____ when you _____, because _____."
"Sorry to pass on this "SPAM" chain letter, but you never know!..."
... etc., etc., etc. It is fear.
Official Abducted Aerobics: (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
And so I had a plan: goth aerobics.
I said "I KNOW! WE COULD DO GOTH AEROBICS!" And the goth chick said
"Actually, I had a conversation with a friend already about goth
aerobics." She put her hand on her head feigning a swoon and said "One
two three four." So I said
SWOON two three four SWOON two three four. MOPE two three four MOPE
two three four.
Although it should have been swoon two three one swoon two three two
mope two three one mope two three two. I had a margarita, ok? It was
sort of large.
So anyway. The other girl almost spit out her wine. She couldn't even
swallow it for two minutes until she stopped laughing.
I now have a mission. Not like a Spanish mission like Don't Mess With
a Missionary Man mission or a Mission Impossible mission but more like
a vision quest or a crusade or something. You know, a holy war or some
shit. Goth aerobics. I will be the first goth aerobics instructor
ever. And I will never glisten because I'm allergic to my own sweat.
Official Abducted "We Own You Now" Moment: (Nathan Winant)
... I've got a better idea. Since you're incapable of making simple
judgement calls for yourself, why don't we pre-approve _all_ your
reading material for you? Better yet, all media!
Slowly, we can shape your thoughts and feelings to our whim, rendering
you a simplistic yet unquestioningly obedient tool, a glassily eager
marionette in our puppetshow of the damned.
... From now on, you belong to abducted.
You MAY read all messages with "[CHESTER-ACCEPTABLE]" in the subject.
You MUST read all messages with "[CHESTER-ACCEPTABLE *MANDATORY*]" in
the subject. You MAY NOT read any other messages, on this mailing list
or on any other.
All other media -- web pages, books, television, movies, etc., must be
explicitly approved by abducted. However, you may follow any urls
included in a CHESTER-ACCEPTABLE message, UNLESS it is explicitly
stated in the message that you may not. Furthermore, you may only view
the specific item that the url denotes (whether it be a single web
page, an image, a text document, etc.) -- you may not follow links,
directory-browse, etc., unless it is explicitly stated that you may do
so.
Lastly, in order to get you started, I present an introductory list of
CHESTER-ACCEPTABLE media:
TV
--
Ricky Lake (*MANDATORY*)
Everything with Cher (*MANDATORY*)
Starsky & Hutch
BOOKS
-----
Everything by John Grisham (*MANDATORY*)
Everything by Stephen King (*MANDATORY*)
Every book whose title ends with "for the Soul" (*MANDATORY*)
MOVIES
------
Tarzan (*MANDATORY*)
Big Daddy (*MANDATORY*)
Inspector Gadget (*MANDATORY*)
Universal Soldier II: The Return (*MANDATORY*)
Baby Geniuses (*MANDATORY*)
Doug's 1st Movie (*MANDATORY*)
Pushing Tin (*MANDATORY*)
Notting Hill
Forces of Nature
Never Been Kissed
She's All That
The Mod Squad
The Mummy
Cookie's Fortune
Homefries
NEWSPAPERS
----------
USA Today
WEBSITES
--------
www.the-man.org (*MANDATORY*. You must check this site at least once
every week)
www.pez.com (*MANDATORY*)
www.yahoo.com (however, you MAY NOT follow links to other websites,
nor may you step outside of the www.yahoo.com domain -- for example,
dailynews.yahoo.com is unacceptable)
www.totallyteens.com
USENET (all messages on the following newsgroups are
CHESTER-ACCEPTABLE)
------
alt.religion.kibology
alt.food.pez
... The Man has spoken.
Official Abducted Bad Acid Trip: (Chris Wayne)
However, one of the worst bad acid trips I ever had was triggered by
not being to find my keys. "I have to go for a walk. I need to get out
here. But I can't leave without locking the door. Everything would be
all right if I could only find my keys." So I spent three hours
sitting in the backyard, watching and feeling the tree roots grow into
my arms and legs. Eventually I walked down to the porn shop where I
worked, having forgotten all about the key problem, and watched the
strangest porno I have ever seen. It was one of the more artistic ones
and had some just freakish elements in it, like bird cages and UK
police sirens in the background. It had lesbians shaving each other,
and almost every one of them had pierced tongues. When I left I saw
that one of my co-workers and his friends were at the counter. All of
them were bald and had pierced tongues. And it occurred to me that
they were a roving band of insane shavers and piercers who preyed upon
people tripping in porn shops and that movie was actually some kind of
cult training film.
But I digress.
Official Abducted Exquisite Story So Far: (y'all)
Drenched in the late fall sunlight, I slowly awoke to the strains of
the lute being played beside me. Drifting with the melodies, I did not
once stop to think of the outside world. Streching out slowly, my arm
brushed against something cold and hard.
I couldn't believe how insatiable a love zombie could be.
Yea, though the maggots had all been emptied from his prostate gland,
He could but continually lust for more. For His desires were not
those of man, but those of the undead; of an incubus. But I never
realized it until He penetrated me with that huge slab of decomposing
meat.
Like with other zombies in my past, his festering peter left me with a
sense of longing, not for fresher corpses, not for lovers who were
technically alive, but for waiters -- the only people qualitied to
gather the remains and bus them to the afterlife on their way back to
the bar to get me a beer.
Boy, did I need that drink. With that hot momma sitting across the bar
from me, I could barely hold myself back. All I could think about was
how much I wanted her to lick my eyeball.
I tried to compose myself. I didn't want to frighten her away. Never
pop the eyeball on a first date.
But too late! I popped it anyway and it shot out of my socket and into
her wine glass. I tried several times to causually extract the glass
orb from her possession. But each try failed. Then she drank my eye.
It was a beautiful eye, really. Soft and sweet, with just a hint of
lemon. I was sorry to see it leave. Well, not see it, exactly. Feel
it flowing outward. I will miss my eye. But I will miss my jacket
more.
To take my mind off of things, I decided to go shopping. Not for a
repacement (how could I replace THAT?) but just to occupy my mind.
On the way, I popped into a Wendy's for a pita. For some reason, I
couldn't get them out of my mind. So I sat munching my pita.
A strange looking man came up to me while I was eating and said,
"pita."
"Yes," I said. Because it was.
He shook his head. "Pita."
"Yes."
"No, no," he said, frustrated. "Peeeeedaaaaaa."
What could I say to that?
Nothing. There was nothing to say. I laughed in despair. No one knew
the torments of the damned like I. No one. And, if my plan came to
fruition, no one ever would.
But hark! The fatal flaw. There was no one to know the truth anyway.
No one could listen. No one would hear. And this was the cause of
neverending torment.
And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But then MacGuyver
came, bearing gifts of gunpowder, pork rinds, and an old rusty
chainsaw. And, with the help of his trusty Swiss Army knife, he
constructed a device to aid in their escape, and all were spirited off
to safety.
(http://www.aposiopesis.net/Alloni/Projects/Exquisite/)
UnOfficial UnAbducted Star Wars Post: (Kibo)
Okay, so here's my true story for today about the horror that is "Star
Wars Episode Eye".
As you may or may not have noticed (despite a hype barrage nearly a
millionth as big as George Lucas's) I have been putting up pictures of
Dumb Toys on my Web site. (More slowly than I like -- I have about
200 photos in the "holding area", with only about 20 posted on the
site) And you may have noted that I put up a gallery of Dumb "Star
Wars" Toys the day before the "Star Wars Episode Eye" toys were
released to enormous imaginary crowds of invisible, toy-crazed
shoppers who only exist on CNN Headline News.
So, anyway, in the past few weeks I've been smuggling my camera into
places like Toys R Us -- brazenly walking right past the "NO CAMERAS
ALLOWED" sign which Toys R Us feels they need to put up to violate MY
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO MAKE FUN OF THEIR LAME TOYS WITH WACKY PHOTO
CAPTIONS -- and not checking my camera at the security desk, either.
(At Toys R Us, they have "Security". At other stores, they have "Loss
Control". I have never seen a Security person at Toys R Us -- when I
spent two hours in their Alewife store snapping photos all over the
place, I heard them screaming into the PA system for the Security guy
every five minutes for some reason, but he never returned from his
eternal coffee break -- but I imagine that Toys R Us Security forces
have uniforms not unlike giant versions of Lego Darth Vader's outfit,
only made out of leather. And instead of lightsabers they have cattle
prods with the tips coated with Krazy Glue.)
Today I went to the Burlington Mall (aka "Simon" -- no, I don't know
why the mall is named "Simon" now) because I got a hot tip that they
had bait with a "YUM -- HOG LARD!" logo on the package. (I also do
photos of Things You Shouldn't Put In Your Mouth. Note that I am only
required to actually taste things intended for consumption by people,
not crappies.) This mall, like all large and trendy malls established
during the Yuppie era, has one of those candy shores where they have
big bins of 59 kinds of jelly beans (MOVIE THEATER BUTTER FLAVOR JELLY
BEANS! DR PEPPER JELLY BEANS! CHEERIOS JELLY BEANS! HOG LARD JELLY
BEANS!) sorted by flavor, arranged in a big rainbow, so you can mix
the 59 flavors together yourself and only pay a 50% surcharge over
just getting a bag of jelly beans at K-Mart and throwing out the
licorice ones. Because, I mean, it's obvious that it's better to
waste money than to waste food.
I was buying my bimonthly bag of One Scoop Of Everything Blue (they
now have gummi space shuttles in blue! Yay!) when I saw that, like
every other store at the mall, they had a rack of "Star Wars Episode
Eye" toys. Of course, because everyone expected there to be a huge
crush to get "Star Wars" toys, every store stocked about 50,000 of
them, meaning that there is a horrible, terrible glut of "Star Wars"
toys on the face of the earth. Not only toy stores are chock-a-block
with them, but pushcart vendors, framed lithography stores, and
everyone else except the Disney store is stuffed to the gills with
injection-molded "Star Wars" stuff. This candy store had the
candy-filled lightsabers (because every Jedi needs a snack while he's
dueling with Darth Vader) and something which I saw and (silently)
told myself, "THIS HAS TO GO ON MY WEB SITE!"
What was this terrifyingly creepy "Star Wars" candy-slash-toy?
The "Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue" lollipop.
I am not making this up.
For those of you who haven't seen the movie, let me explain who Jar
Jar Binks is. (I haven't seen it either but I don't need to because
I've been exposed to at least nine hours of TV specials about this
two-hour movie so I can truthfully say I know more about this movie
than the people who wasted their time seeing it when they could have
been watching "E!".) Jar Jar Binks is the wacky, wacky, wacky comic
sidekick in "Star Wars Episode Eye". How wacky is Jar Jar? Jar Jar is
so wacky that even the "Star Wars" fanboys find him creepy.
Now, George Lucas has NEVER cheesed up a "Star Wars" movie before by
including an annoyingly wacky comic sidekick. There weren't any
annoyingly wacky characters in the original movie. Unless you count
C-3PO. And R2D2. And Chewbacca. And that mousebot that runs away
from Chewbacca. And that target-practice droid that zaps Luke
Skywalker in the butt. Okay, well, George Lucas jams his movies with
wall-to-wall wacky critters. But Jar Jar is considerably more
annoying. Jar Jar is not only silly, he's stupid. He's stupider than
a Spice Girl forced to breathe pure xylene for twenty-four hours after
having drunk a can of lead paint. And he talks funny. I mean he has
wacky broken English (worse than Yoda's) and a grating, squeaky voice.
And he has big googly eyes. And he wears flared capri slacks sort of
like if Mary Tyler Moore were on "Space: 1999". And he has big floppy
ears. And he's extraordinarily clumsy (even compared to that
stormtrooper who hit his head on the door in the first movie.) And
worst of all, he has a long and disgusting tongue which he refuses to
keep anywhere near the vicinity of his mouth despite the fact that
everyone else in the "Star Wars" universe is clearly disturbed by the
androgynous floppy-eared alien's wet, prehensile erogenous zone.
Which brings me to the "Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue"
lollipop.
It's one of those modern rethinkings of the traditional lollipop, i.e.
it's a lollipop with some plastic around it to raise the price to more
than any human should have to pay for half an ounce of sugar on a
stick. You know, these things are usually motorized and light up and
talk and stuff. In this case, a large plastic plunger (looking
exactly the same as the ones that two-part epoxy comes in) has a big
head of Jar Jar Binks on the end. When you ram the plunger home, Jar
Jar's mouth opens and his long red tongue protrudes.
And you're supposed to lick it. YOU are supposed to lick Jar Jar's
tongue. His tongue is artificial cherry flavor.
So now you can see why I needed a photo of this for my Web site.
Because I know that you're not going to believe my description of this
candy -- WHICH REQUIRES THAT LITTLE KIDS FRENCH-KISS THE MOST ANNOYING
CREATURE IN THE "STAR WARS" UNIVERSE -- without photographic evidence.
Now, because all lollipops taste the same (except for those Mexican
ones with all the chili pepper on the outside, which were a bit of a
surprise when I discovered them last week, and I think less disgusting
than Jar Jar's tongue could be) I figured I didn't need to actually
review the flavor of Jar Jar's tongue ("IT TASTES RED! THE END.")
therefore I didn't need to buy the stupid candy, because I have better
things to waste my money on than "Star Wars" stuff.
But this candy store was really small, so that the guy behind the
counter could not help seeing my every move. While there's nothing
really wrong with snapping photos of stupid stuff, when you do it
directly in front of the store staff it can lead to awkward
situations. So I will normally wait for a moment when there is nobody
around, or I will pick up the consumer item in question and carry it
to a secluded spot to snap it, but in this case there was no way to
avoid the store clerk seeing (and hearing) me taking a photograph with
my noisy digital camera. This is a special problem when you take into
account that it was a "Star Wars" item, and thus might lead to being
trapped in a conversation with someone who notices that I, like he, is
an enormous fan of "Star Wars" and he loves loves loves Jar Jar Binks
too and the lollipops taste incredibly yummy and he's seen the movie
eighty-seven times and can he have my home phone number? So, to avoid
a possible major embarassment at being caught photographing the wares,
I decided to just buy one of the damn lollipops. After all, I was
buying a bag of blue things anyway.
There were no price tags on the Jar Jars (which, oddly, were not in a
jar, even though most of the other candy was) but I figured one
couldn't cost too much because, hey, it was a lollipop. I noticed
that nobody had bought any of them yet. (Will they ever?)
So, I took my candy and my Jar Jar Oral Contact On A Stick to the
register. They guy looked at my Jar Jar and couldn't find a price
tag. He walked over to the rack of Jar Jars and still couldn't find
any price tags. He typed the barcode number into his cash register
and it didn't know either. (Apparently Jar Jar doesn't actually exist
as a consumer product, much like the crowds that supposedly snapped up
all the "Star Wars" toys a minute past midnight.) The clerk was
reduced to calling headquarters (or possibly just another shop in the
chain, or possibly George Lucas) and asking what the SKU for Jar Jar
was. Someone told him and he typed in 7708.
I now have a receipt which says
Item No
7708 STR WRS LIGHT SABER POP
1.00 @ $ 6.99 6.99 T6
...that's right, I bought a seven-dollar lollipop. A "Star Wars"
lollipop. A "Star Wars Episode Eye" lollipop. A JAR JAR FRIGGIN'
BINKS lollipop. I HAVE RUINED MY KARMA FOREVER AND NO AMOUNT OF
ATONEMENT COULD POSSIBLY CLEANSE MY SOUL.
I managed to go all this time having never bought a single "Star Wars"
licensed product (except for video games, which don't really count
because "Star Wars" SHOULD be a video game) and I had to blow it all
by wasting seven dollars on the Jar Jar Saliva-Swapper. Seven
dollars. Golly, in my day you could see a MOVIE for seven dollars.
Now all you can do is buy a plastic Jar Jar head that you have to suck
on after it has been fondled by small children and "Star
Wars" fans at the mall.
And the worst part is, after I rang it up, the clerk started talking
to me about how much he liked Jar Jar and how cool the movie was when
he saw it a minute after midnight on the first day of release.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!
This has been a true story.
-- K.
I haven't taken the plastic
wrap off Jar Jar's tongue
yet... I think maybe I should
eat the lollipop with the
plastic wrap still on.
Incidentally, his tongue is
covered with little spikes.
I really did like the "green
mango and chili" pop from
Mexico.
Official Abducted Star Wars Review: (Nathan Winant)
HORNY NAKED COED BUTT SLUTS
As you can imagine, I was thrilled to find that approximately fifteen
minutes of hot XXX action had been included halfway through the movie.
And, to be fair, it's not bad porn. However, it was a bit softcore for
my taste -- very few closeups, only one or two money shots, and fairly
tame sexual practices (no hermaphrodites, for example).
While it was enjoyable, it seemed a little too middle-of-the-road:
something for the adults, sure, but it really loses something when you
water it down so as to lessen the shock for young children and cobol
programmers. Anyway, I found the addition to be a pleasant surprise,
but I really wish Lucas had taken a bit more of a stand in one
direction (just some titty shots and heavy petting) or the other
(hard-core, barely legal bindings and beatings). That, and the whole
Darth Maul makeup job really kinda freaked me out.
Official Abducted Announcement: (Jennifer Lynn Larkin)
AHEM.
I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
I, Mr Urc, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare that I am
perfectly normal in every way, and quite average in even a few more.
Any allegations that I do not live up to the standards of Fraternities
and Sororities, stay at home mothers or any Masonic Temples are
completely unfounded and in no way based in fact. I listen to classic
rock and watch 90210 and I am heartbroken that Melrose Place ends this
season. I have not, nor has any manifestation of my person,
ever visited New Hampshire, sucked milk from a goat's nipple, or
sharpened sharpeis with sheared succulence. I did not have sex with
that woman. Because I'm female. And, since I'm female, having sex with
that woman would qualify me for abnormal, which I completely am not,
even when the definition of normal has been changed to represent the
common attributes of cucumbers. This message was prepared by my
above-average intellegence lawyers, since I would never know how to
correctly use the words "allegations" or "manifestation" in any
communication I wrote, including this very sentence. I have no further
comment for the press. Thank you and good day.
Official Abducted Short Story About Death: (Josh Smith)
All of a sudden, Janie felt a cold, prickly touch upon her shoulder.
Turning around, she was surprised to see the Grim Reaper- Mr. Death
himself. He was almost totally unlike the stereotypical Grim Reaper
she'd heard of in popular mythology. Sure, his head was a skull, but
it was semi-tastefully painted with an astonishing array of pastels,
and he wore an old-fashioned sailor's costume in blue and white.
"I come bearing gifts of little pink bunny rabbits," said Death,
handing Janie one of the lovable creatures. Janie embraced the cute
animal tenderly and exchanged a warm smile with the oft-misunderstood
harbinger of doom. She skipped off, clutching the bunny in her arms
with more of them trailing behind her. Suddenly, she heard the most
hideous noise she'd ever experienced. She turned her head again, only
to see the lifeless decapitated body of her favorite billy goat.
"Gotcha," said the Grim Reaper.
Janie laughed and continued on her way home.
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