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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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I'm sorry. I hope he falls into a milk bath anddisolves..
-grey
Don't ask me to explain - I don't understand myself anyway.
-Alloni Kramer
Are you expecting me to make sense? If so, I have an occasional
message for you: food stamps are not the wave of the future like
everyone thinks.
-Alloni Kramer
Know what the problem with the world is today? Tapdancing nazis. Not
enouh tapdancing nazis.
-Nathan Winant (driving up his quote count)
Joke's on you, pal. NOTHING is beneath me.
-Nathan Winant
And let me state, for the record, the goat was definitely above the
age of consent.
-Alloni Kramer
yup. unit vectors, dumbasses and hubcaps. gotta love abducted whether
it loves you or not.
-Paul Dito (where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?)
Just catch us next week. It is our collective period this week. Our
pms will be over soon.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
excellent. you cannot resist the power of the cryptic unsubscribe
instructions.
-Jonathan Mayer
So you don't come with beer, nuts, a pool table and perhaps a nice
outdoor setting?
-Felix
Abducted loves you. Paul is dead.
-Alloni Kramer
I disagree. The fight will continue. Bean, Wu says your mother wears
combat boots. Wu, Bean says you have the I.Q. of a furry, woodland
animal.
-Jason
I contemplated yelling out across the bar "Hey you! I've had sex with
you repeatedly! You can make me a fucking free drink!" Luckily, he
turned around and made me a free drink before I did that.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I didn't say he should "steal" it. I said he should "leverage off of
it". The two are completely different! One is blatant theft, the other
is a meaningless corporate buzzword -- and meaningless corporate
buzzwords can't hurt you. Like "layoff". Or "sanction".
-Nathan Winant
I will probably have to go to the grocery store tonight but my English
teacher will probably be stalking me again.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Interesting, Amy. I was hitherto unaware of your violent,
uncontrollable crack cocaine addiction.
-Nathan Winant
What other than the vagina would I be trying to focus on?
-Josh Smith
I was wondering where you were with all this talk of breasts going on.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Yes, the world is a beautiful place and somewhere, somewhere out
there, chocolate is waiting for me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I did make an obscure reference, and you did get it. But I thought I'd
engage in further obfuscation.
-Garth
I think it would be awesome to have my cake and eat it. I want to eat
other people's cake's too. Hell, i want to take MY cake, mix it with
someone else's cake, put it in a big bowl, and monge out.
-ghostxxx
Eat razor sharp electric death dumbasss! (the extra s is for
'sensitive'). (got dragged out clubbing last night). (all I want from
life right now is clean socks.)
-Jonathan Mayer
This... this is that sarcasm thing, no? Forgive me if I am unfamiliar
with your silly American customs. I am from out of town. On
business. Let me see if I can respond in the same way. Um. No, and
your socks are too! against the wind flies the north. I don't think it
translates.
-Alloni Kramer
It does, so long as the only victim of the drug is the user
him/herself. For example, crack cocaine or heroine are fine. But all
those drugs that cause laser beams to shoot from your eyes and
randomly chop people up like so much steamy, meaty kimchee, well,
those drugs are still illegal.
-Nathan Winant
And why are so many actors from the X-Files getting lead roles in
romantic comedies? "Huh-honey, exexcuse me while I stra-strike this
guy with li-lightning." Strange transition.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
ok. i think the women are getting a little too presumptious. dont they
know that we rule them with anarchy?
-ghostxxx (he's right, you know)
She's exercising her rights under the secret 37th Amendment to the
Constitution. Men, we no longer have any power over her.
-Chris Wayne
drunk and horny. why is the only guy in my room gotta be homosexual?
-Amy Dawson (always the way)
No, brevity is the soul of lingerie. Get it straight.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Are you all flabbergasted by the vague meanderings of the lunatic
fringe (I think I make a very nice tassel)?
-Alloni Kramer
Am hurt that not everyone is as (insert disparaging remark here) as I
am, because anything else would just cause swollen head syndrome, and
there are far too many pins on Abducted.
-Alloni Kramer
she does have a nice face.. but I don't like her boobs, the nipples
point the wrong ways...
Inwards?
-Bean n' Josh Smith
I unanimously pronounce myself Queen of Abducted for the next two
minutes. Thank you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Okay, your time's up, bitch. I hereby usurp your throne!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaH
aHaHaHaHaH
aHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHahahahahahahahahah
ahahahahah
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
ahahahaha. .. Boy, the thrill of that sure wore off quickly. Okay,
my reign is over.
-Josh Smith
Next time I may declare my rule to be longer so as to include your
time zone. Quake in fear, Aussie Boy!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I apologise for any temporal distortions that I may have caused.
-Derek
it really sucks when you cut yourself you-know-where.
-Bean
But then again, I guess demeaning things is what we do best here at
Abducted International.
-Josh Smith
Awww, you know you love the chafing brought on by pubic stubble...
-Josh Smith
I mean, it's not necessary that I *do* get it, but I still don't.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (by request)
Alloni *is* Madeline Kahn. I had never noticed this before, but now it
all makes sense.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (oh, please no)
I'm strangely flattered by this. I don't understand why, as I find
her obnoxious and disturbing. Wait. Maybe I do understand why.
-Alloni Kramer
Aw, look. Amy's bitter already. My how they grow up fast.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
"You shall beg for mercy... And find that I... have... with the
exception of a couple of albums with the word in the title... NONE."
Yes, you're right. That's MUCH more ominous.
-Nathan Winant
you are failing to amuse me. I command you to send me interesting
mail. Or an interesting male. Either will suffice.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I just got out of an argument with (a) a muslim, and (b) and old
person, about how I should automatically respect older people. Bugger
that. Those codgers must earn my respect! If you can't use an
automatic teller machine, then you are suplus to the needs of society.
-Felix
Eskimos are very annoying people. They have an innate inability to
communicate with anybody without rubbing their noses over people's
faces. This trait, combined with a unhealthy affectation for smearing
themselves with fat, forced the other races of the world to drive them
into the great unknown.
-Felix
Now I am going to take a bath and be girly.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
A goat! A goat! Yum. Tacos.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
so anyway.. today was my first day. i got to build a pc. and then
destroy it with the evil touch of nt. such joy and exhileration
followed by such depression.. *sigh* you know, i even asked the
supervisor why they ran nt on the server as opposed to unix.. and you
know what he said???? "it's more stable" ?!?!?!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! what is the world coming to? but at
least he's funny.
-Amy Dawson
Why does your campus have a cattle dept, and furthermore why is it
lumped together with health?
-Mark Doner
What a trooper. A fool, maybe, but still a trooper.
-Chris Wayne
Life is so much easier after you just give up and let entropy take its
course. The gradual decline of everything around you is actually quite
lovely, like the leaves changing in autumn.
-Chris Wayne
It is a very unfortunate sensation when executing one of my
outstanding kung-fu air leaps, to land and have inertia and gravity
give me just the wrong 'tug.'
-Jonathan Mayer
What ... you don't all have tentacles?
-Jonathan Mayer
You know, alloni turned around backward is "inolla". Like "granola".
And monkeys LOVE granola. You know, kramer turned around backward is
"remark". Like "remark". And monkeys LOVE to talk about granola.
-Nathan Winant (required alloni monkey reference)
Laziness and hubris. Larry Wall for president.
-Jonathan Mayer
jm. for President. And me for First Bitch.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We all have pms. Every single one of us.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
you are my ray of sunshine. i hug the world.
-Terri C. Sheep
Once my friend was complaining about what his mother dressed him in as
a child and I said "Well, at least she didn't make you wear
lederhosen." And he just glared at me. Oops.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (lederhosen - one of the great amusing words)
The mormons never did like me. I dunno why. It wasn't like _I_ blew
their whole polygamy/freelove scam...
-Nathan Winant
I might go home and drink up some alien secretions and urine tonight
(after the champagne, of course).
-Felix (left behind when the pleasure saucers come)
In defense of Wendy's, they smell like extraordinarily fresh dead
daddy long legs.
-Chris Wayne
I'm not a big fan of garish displays of vulgarity.
What about tasteful and demure displays of vulgarity?
-Felix n' Chris Wayne
How can you be sure that we actually ARE outside you? I'm still not
entirely convinced that I'm not a splinter personality of yours. Or
vice versa. Wow, I never considered that before. Maybe YOU are a
deranged outcropping of MY dementia, not the other way around. Are you
pondering what I'm pondering? Of course you are.
-Chris Wayne
The barbarians are at the gates. Too bad they're on the inside.
-Chris Wayne
I do what I can. Which is surprisingly little, considering my vast
intergalactic reality-warping powers. Go figure.
-Chris Wayne (again)
I'll be drinking expensive champagne in just over an hour though ...
and truffles. not drinking them mind you, but eating them. I suppose I
could drink them, I'd have to cut them up fine and add them to a
beverage though ...
-Felix
If someone that stupid has managed to survive to old age without ever
making toast in the shower or opening a champagne cork with their
teeth, they have earned my respect.
-Chris Wayne
Now if I only had a guy to treat me to dinner, I'd be totally happy.
Don't you mean if only you had a guy to impregnate you and then become
your dinner, oh Mantis Queen?
-Jennifer n' Chris Wayne
Anglican private school. It has frightening aspects. Like the current
fundraising campaign. It's called "Our Time Has Come". I think my
school is a cult.
-Terri C. Sheep (christian school? a cult? couldn't be.)
Come and join me, my Children. Join me on the Dark Side. Fight the
powers that strive to control the way we dress. !!!SPECIAL, LIMITED
TIME OFFER!!! Join now and get a free pin!* *offer most likely
void
-Terri C. Sheep
Clown Shoes for everyone. No exceptions.
-Jason
And Abducted strikes a blow for self-expression at other's expense
once more.
-Alloni Kramer
I make too much sense sometimes to be the resident psychopath. We
need one. We can call himherit Og, and when someone mentions
something or someone we find distasteful in some way, someone will
give the call: "Og! Kill!" And everything will be taken care of, and
it'll get on the news, and we can rub our hands in Burnsfashion. Og
is the title for the position, like quotetaker. Anybody up for it?
Remember, it gives a certain amount of abuseable power, so I would
imagine there will be bloodshed over it to begin with, thus keeping
Chris Wayne on my side for the immediate future, and killing two birds
with one stone, thus keeping him on my side for a little longer.
-Alloni Kramer
Like a koala? But much bigger. And with a big spikey mouth. One that
prefers solar systems to eucalyptus leaves.
-Chris Wayne
But I kinda like tequila. It grows on you. And then you throw up.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Your fiendish wit and logical skill has overwhelmed my feeble
defenses. You are obviously correct. We are all figments of my
imagination. How silly of me not to have seen it before.
-Alloni Kramer
It says cali means beautiful. We all know what forn means, as in
fornicate. Now we find -ia on words like mania and hysteria so
obviously it means insanity. So this means that Californians are
pretty fucking crazy.
-Garth
Big black evil spikey mouthed koala of death?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Hmmmm. Now everytime I'm tempted to say "I'm all tingly" (which does
happen, btw) I will be forced to think of aquaman. Which will be even
funnier than "I'm all tingly" is in the first place. This is good.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I think the mistake was hiring a gay director. "Gothom is so
depressing. We need more gangs with skimpy dayglo uniforms. And
rubber. Everyone wears rubber. Get a close up of his butt."
-Garth
Now, Jennifer, you know some families don't have as much money as
others. Just because you can afford two shift keys, it doesn't mean
that everyone else can. It would be polite just not to mention it...
-Terri C. Sheep
<insert random <insert random insert random comment here> here>
Recursive humor.
-Alloni Kramer
Thats what we know about Australia. Crocodile Dundee, Yahoo Serious
and the guy that aggrevates deadly animals. Though The Outback is
helping us to learn your quaint customs, like deep frying onions and
drinking Fosters. And I think Koalas are cute. And that kangaroo that
Sylvester always mistakes for a giant mouse.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Didn't see that. Was it about drag queens? I have this vague memory of
a clip from some movie with a drag queen on top of a bus with a
headpeice streamming behind him in the wind. I think that was it.
Though I may be confused. Are you saying that sort of thing is common
in Australia? Is that why they call it down-under?
-Garth
That's why I like polar bears. They look all cuddly and soft and warm,
but they'll bite your head off whole, given the chance.
-grey
You know, just from reading Felix's posts, I'd guess that Australians
all have really refined tastes in food and wine and beer. He makes us
_all_ look like we have no class.
Well, we don't. We have styyyylllle.
-grey 'n Jennifer
Meat is always in season.
-grey (a trio of greylike goodness)
I have messages dated later than Felix! Something is dreadfully wrong
with the universe!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Damn it. If I don't get more email, I'll start sharing more about my
current bodily functions.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Greg's been saving you by sending me email. But no more. Don't think I
won't do it! I've got bodily functions and I know how to use them!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have bodily functions too.
-Felix (third in the "bodily functions" series)
I want to organize a ping-pong-ball-trick for distance contest one day
with sufficiently liberal friends.
-Alloni Kramer
powered by linux, and a mug full of espresso!!!
-Jonathan Mayer
what time is love?
-Jonathan Mayer
the logo leaves me uninspired. it just doesn't leap out at me and
scream "Free MP3s" or "Barely Legal CoEds!" Perhaps if you could make
it glow and pulsate, like my brain.
-Jonathan Mayer
eww... I can't believe my web browser touched a 486. I feel unclean.
-Jonathan Mayer
I admire Garth, but only for his ass. I'm not gay, I just like
Garth's ass. I assume others feel the same way.
-Jason
Hmmm... 9 months to the millennium and start of the Bodily Functions
Movement? I'm moving to higher ground.
-Jason
I've got your creamy sweet drink right here, buddy.
-ghostxxx
It gives you a certain amount of power to know you have the power to
make yourself vomit without any difficulty at all.
-Alloni Kramer
Wesley Snipes is the ugliest transvestite I have ever seen.
Correction, the second ugliest. The ugliest is the guy I used to buy
pot from in college. Good old Jennifer. I mean really, even if you
don't shave your legs, at least shave your face.
-Chris Wayne (hey!)
I knew that buying people's affections would pay off someday.
-Chris Wayne
How do you think those heads get in the freezer?? Magic? Somebody's
gotta work for a living, boy.
-Chris Wayne
That's the problem with the world today. Nobody appreciates the value
of godlike cosmic entities anymore.
-Chris Wayne
Leroy est mort, vive Leroy!
-Chris Wayne
How about spreading my mind through your minds like cancer? Or am I
already done with that one?
-Alloni Kramer
Is that a rhetorical question? <-- More importantly, is this?
-Chris Wayne
You've got to eat your meat, or you can't have any pudding. How can
you have your pudding if you don't eat your meat?
-Chris Wayne
He's twice my size. If he wants to eat sharp metal fragments, I let
him eat sharp metal fragments.
-Alloni Kramer
Of all the things that you can catch from a frozen severed head,
healthy enjoyment of the good things in life is not among them.
-Chris Wayne
If there's one things that all the frozen severed heads I know like to
do, it's get down and funky.
-Alloni Kramer
Complaining is what made America great.
-Chris Wayne
Kramer, if you don't quote this, I'll gut you with a throbbing
meatfork.
-Nathan Winant (happy now?)
I love these old atari games. The ultimate in futility. You fight and
fight and fight and accomplish nothing, save to stave of your own
inevitable demise. Like life. Like love. Like work. Like Pong.
-Nathan Winant
I love Elf Quest. I used to play it in the mall next to the movie
theater with my friend Steve who went to NY to be a drag queen and
make pink bouffant wigs and now he quit being a drag queen and he's a
physics major. I have a green eraser shaped like an elf that we got in
the mall vending machine and I have pictures of him and me with 80's
hair. It's pretty scary. OK. By now.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
But I still have the headache. I need to find a cause to blame it on,
and not necessarily the real cause. I need a fashionable cause.
-Felix
I'd like a reason that is weird and wonderful, fascinating yet
repugnent, whimsical and earnest.
-Felix
No, something sinister. Something that reeks of conspiracy, yet has
an outward appearance of staunch trustworthiness.
-Felix (keeps adding to the requirements on us)
I hereby blame my headache on Gays in the military.
-Felix
I still have several versions of Super Mario Bros. that I modified in
my senior year of High School. One of 'em has all the graphics and
much of the text modified. "Thank you Bubba (or Earl)! Now it's time
for hot sex!"
-Josh Smith
And here my mind is scrambling around for something to continue to be
depressed about. Thanks. I love you too. One of these days, remind
me to do something nice for you, too. With a hammer.
-Alloni Kramer
"We're sorry we bombed your country, but it was my time of the month."
-Garth
Yes! The REN AND STIMPY space madness episode! Probably full of cool
drug references if I were to actually pay attention to it.
-Jonathan Mayer
"William Shakespeare," "Yes, my Queen?" "Is that a hundred-foot
satellite dish sprouting from your bum?"
-Josh Smith
Oh, that's *just* what we need. A bunch of *Hindu* zealots bitching
about Hollywood...
-Josh Smith
... How fucking obscene is that, anyway? How many thousands of people
do you figure are going to that damn film just to see that damn
2-minute long lucasfilms trailer? George Lucas is clearly a man with
NO ambition because if he had even an ounce, we'd all be speaking
Lucasese by now. HITLER did not have this much sway over the people.
But Lucas? Oooh, that's _different_. Get a couple of animatronic
droids, a young boy, and string people along for two decades, and
BOOM! They worship you like a god.
-Nathan Winant
Today's word is refractory. Actually, today's words are closer to
"vaguely ill-contented melancholy apathetic soullessness", but
_abducted's_ word for the day is refractory.
-Nathan Winant
You know, I didn't even check out his ass. You know my allergies are
bad when I forget to check out people asses. It's one of my favorite
pastimes.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
If I changed (which I'll do when I get around to it, which is to say
none too soon...) addresses I could use netscape mail to access my POP
account and be able to have mail formatted like the rest of the world,
instead of the
"oh-we're-better-than-everybody-else-and-bigger-than-everybody-else-so
-standards-don't-apply-to-us-unless-they're-standards-we-invented(invented
as in ripped off and changed just enough so that our version of the
'standard' will only work with our
software)-and-can-change-on-a-whim-Micro$oft-way-of-formatting-replies.
-Trevor Walton
I actually saw this episode. It was bad. Really bad. Bad in the way
only a really great episode of Xena can be bad. Michael Jackson Bad.
Multi-armed action Xena-Krishna powers are GO! Not surprising the
hindi are up in, urm, arms.
-Jonathan Mayer (oh, the pain)
And anybody who writes a song with a line like "Give me crack and anal
sex" has at least got to be interesting.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm driving south and there are signs all over the place to cities
called, get this, Bryan and Marlin. Most of the time they are on the
same sign. Im now seeking a Garth, Texas in the same vicinity. It
would explain much.
-ghostxxx (it would, at that)
I did a search for it on Altavista and came up empty, so I'm betting
Garth, Texas occupies a space a few feet across and, oh, about 5'9"
tall...
-Josh Smith
Garth IS texas.texas.texas. Garth is naked singularity. Garth is pi.
-Nathan Winant
It's humour nouveau, kevin, you wouldn't understand. No more champagne
and truffles for you; back to the stockade!
-Nathan Winant
Geez. Warn me next time.
ok. this is abducted. haven't you learned yet?
-Trevor 'n ghostie
You're not my monkeywrench.
-Nathan Winant
Mr. Monkeypants wants to come out to play.
-Nathan Winant (i see a pattern here)
Way too plain and way too huge. Like Robin Williams without cocaine.
-Nathan Winant
I'm going to assume this message was intended for me. Even if it
wasn't, I'm now pirating it. PIRATING IT FOR MY OWN PURPOSES! y0 h0
h0!!!! Yarrrrrrr......
-Nathan Winant
thats cause you're lame...
leave it up to bean to say what everyone else was thinking ;)
I do have that quality... :)
-Bean 'n Nathan 'n Bean
when no one was here all day I figured I was the on;y one with no
life. But then, at a time wqhen everyone should be out getting drunk,
or at least having sex, the list is hoppin'. Thanks for restoring my
faith in you, guys.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
ghostie and I are simultaneously installing apache right now... its
like a geek orgasm...
-Bean
one would think that if an object is made for primarily sexual
pleasure would be allowed to be sold over an object not made for
primarily sexual please, but CAN be used in that respect. Cucumber?
Nay, says I. If someone wants a cockshaped vibrator, so be it! who
wants vegies inside them?
-ghostxxx
ITS WORK DONE, THE SPIRIT OF QUENTIN TARANTINO LEFT NATHAN'S BODY.
-Nathan Winant (channeling)
Madness hasn't struck me yet. I have a BeOS partition on my machine
here. I haven't booted into it in weeks, but it's still there. The
crazy optimism is seeping through somewhere. I know it's a good OS
and it will prevail. And I don't like it just cuz the CEO of Be Inc.
is a frog and has a cool sounding name.
-Kevin
Is this one of those new-vu humor things? I think i'm getting the
hang of this now.
-Kevin
Hard to say? Why, phalluses have been prized as art objects for
thousands of years. And a phallus' beauty and elegance is greatly
accentuated when it aimlessly wobbles around its display table. And I
won't even get into the aesthetic pleasures afforded to art
connoisseurs by the Talking Vagina...
-Josh Smith
I think so too. Veggies are kinkier. Up with sex toys! Power to the
sex toys! Donate your sex toys to me because it's illegal to sell them
here!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
When she said "Apache", I somehow confused it with Sun Solaris in my
head. I'm a BIIIG dumbass.
-Josh Smith
It's an entertaining feeling sitting down with a female friend, going
through your pron collection so she can borrow some for another friend
to watch. Giving them ratings. Discussing the merits of each.
Causing the female friend to turn bright red a couple of times. Life
is a happy thing.
-Alloni Kramer
Actually... this email is a little disturbing. Dark Side Alloni. Wow.
-Nathan Winant
I love you, Chris Wayne, I love you. this is so true.
-ghostxxx (showing us his forbidden passion)
It doesn't make me do anything of the sort. I reject this fascist
letter's autocratic overtures. To hell with it.
-Felix
Important theological question: If God is the source of all light, can
He get a tan just by looking into a mirror?
-Chris Wayne
OK, now I know how many to give the Pope. Not that I'm trying to
hasten the Malachy Prophecy to blanket the earth in eternal darkness
and prepare for the return of the Unholy One. Um, no, not that at all.
It's just that he's so hard to buy for.
-Chris Wayne
Scrappy Doo does not exist. He is a shared consensual psychedelic
hallucination. A manifestation of the perceived inadequacies of the
crime fighting abilities of Shaggy and friends.
-Felix
In fact, Garth's ass ranks second to the Alamo as the most popular
attraction according to the Texas Board of Tourism.
Thats why I'm putting in a souvenir shop.
-Chris Wayne 'n Garth
wow, I knew his ass had power... but to draw in people from other
states?
-Jason
Well you know, what can I say. Except... Thats it. Time to get the
clown hammer.
-Garth
I don't even feel like rambling. I guess I'll go read.
-grey (how to tell that something's wrong)
Moses looked at his ass and glowed for like two weeks.
-Josh Smith
I just read a book called "Diary of an Underachiever." and listened to
my boyfriend make strange, pleased noises in his sleep.
-grey
Paranoid ramblings. Mutters of hatred. General despondancy. Give it
up. It's been done. We've seen it and seen it. Do something new,
something unique. Like... balloon animals!
-Alloni Kramer
INFORIFFIC
I like this one because I just made it up. I'm going to try and spread
its usage. Then, ten years from now I can appear in interviews wearing
black pants and a black turtleneck, photographed in moodily lit,
barren rooms with a colored neon bulb just off-camera casting an
off-center "hi tech" ambience to the whole thing. I will sit back and
pleasantly insult my interviewers and the audience, explaining that
the whole thing was actually an elaborate hoax but not a hoax ON THEM
PERSONALLY MIND YOU, and why don't we go on to discuss my newest
technology prediction: THE WIRED BATHTUB.
-Nathan Winant
I am so entirely domed. I'm geodesic even. What the hell does geodesic
mean anyway?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm sorry, but a thread where Alloni mentions a dream and you mention
medication just doesn't narrow it down enough.
-Garth
My God. I just added Alloni to my spell checker.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (it must be true love)
My cow-orker just got email from beyond the grave.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm water resistant. Actually I'm laminated.
-Garth
i am like Captain Planet. The power is mine.
-Alloni Kramer
This is such a great carnival sideshow act. And I'm sure everyone else
on abducted has a useless freakshow talent that I can capitalize
on........ I hereby declare to formation of "Dr. Mojo's Carnival Of
Lifeless Oddities". I, of course, being Dr. Mojo.
-Nathan Winant (ringmaster)
No. I am not a planet. I am bulemic.
-Nathan Winant
That doesn't prove anything. Venus is bulemic. How do you think she
stays so thin?
-Garth
my buttocks are alive with the sound of music
-Jason
The doctors say I'm almost ready to rejoin society.
-Jason
Trying to hide some childhood trauma? Did the big, funny colored,
cartoon boogie man scary you? Don't hide it! Flaunt your emotional
baggage like the rest of us.
-Jason
Oh baby. And do I still get to talk to brain-dead idiots trying to
get connected to the Internet?!?!? SIGN ME UP!!!
-Jason
Wow! Brain-dead idiots? All I get to do now is babysit drunks...
-Eyedunno
I am official giving myself to Episode I. I will have it's baby if it
wishes.
-Jason
I can fart green bubbles into middair on command while playing a
ukelele.
-ghostxxx (hidden talents)
Jazz singer, porn star, whatever. same to me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Interesting statistics I saw tonight, from two separate sources: Every
26 seconds, an American boy is circumcized. Every 26 seconds, a child
runs away from home. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
-Chris Wayne
Millions of vegans can't be wrong. Oh, wait. Yes they can. Never mind.
-Chris Wayne
I'm thinking about undergoing that procedure to get my foreskin back,
just so I can have it chopped off again...
-Eyedunno
And even The True Ass of God doesn't compare to Garth's ass.
-Chris Wayne
My question to any and all computer consultants among us: How long
does it take to stop feeling like a whore?
-Chris Wayne
Are you the evil overlord? I knew you'd come to the dark side
eventually. We have a great dental plan and 401k.
-Chris Wayne
Is this a bathtub with full surround sound and simulated relaxing
candlelight and internal heating mechanisms to maintain water
temperature, or a convenient suicide aid?
-Chris Wayne
Both. It depends on how you plug it in the wall. It has one of those
polarized plugs that has one blade wider then the other. You plug it
in the right way, you get the whole surreal bathing experience. Force
the plug in the other way, you get the Kavorkian death chamber. It's
a way to weed the morons out of society. Kinda like microwave ovens
and bungie jumping.
-Kevin
And what about people living in old houses without polarized outlets,
using adaptors that could be turned either way? Automatic Russian
roulette machine?
-Josh Smith
I am SOooo glad I can be the first lifeless sideshow freak. What an,
uh, honorable distinction.
-Chris Wayne
I wouldnt have thrown it out. God has been fucking over people for
years. I bet the judge works directly for God. Judges really should be
impartial to the cases they hear. Its things like this that make me
lose faith in our whole system. Maybe if try a class action suit
against God, and we get enough people involved, he will listen. We
also need to find a true agnostic judge. I wonder if Satan will appear
as a material witness. While we are on the subject, what is God's last
name? Smith, I would think. Everyone's name is Smith. Or Nguyen.
-ghostxxx
I feel the need to respond to this in some sort of pithy but
essentially meaningless fashion. My goal having been accomplished, I
fade back into the sunrise.
-Alloni Kramer
I think this time I'm the evil overlord's obnoxious nasal secretary
who gets killed just before the evil overlord himself dies. Um, but
not this time, 'cause evil is neat.
-Alloni Kramer
Inside the Intranet it is safe and cozy and warm. Mmmmm. The firewall
is like a great big fuzzy down blanket. Mmmmmmm..... Regressing to
childhood........ Zzzzzzzzzz................
-Nathan Winant
It shall be both victim and beneficiary of emotional nepotism.
-Nathan Winant
somehow, the fact that it took the sysadmin like 6 tries to get it up,
I wasn't trusting in his magical powers, but at last he has prevailed!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
So true. So true. I would only trust his magical powers there because
he is about to reach his sexual peak.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
SECOND PREDICTION: In twenty-five years, the arthritic, shambling
fossil that is George Lucas puts out the _seventh_ star wars movie.
Its release is preceded by surprisingly little discussion amongst the
ultrafroody 20-something set on the -- now thrice removed from Grand
Overlord Barker -- Abducted Communal Brainshare. The spirit of the
time is perhaps best summarized by Lt. Jr. Grade Eellon "Throb"
Rakmer, a meatfork admin from Sunnyvale D.C., in his dismissive
statement that "it could never possibly live up to the shared cultural
experience of _Phantom Menace_." To which he is bombarded with a flood
of pointlessly juvenile monkey jokes. Some things, it would seem,
simply never change.
-Nathan Winant
Yes, but... ...I'm a dumbass.
-Josh Smith
Man. I've got hives. And my reading Saturday is outside. I may have to
show up in a hepa filter looking like Darth Vader in drag. That would
be interesting.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
My god. I just forwarded abducted mail to my mother. Somebody stop me.
I'm obviously insane.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, it's about time. The things a girl has to do around here to get
asked for nude pictures. It's ridiculous.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
how come everytime I get in to do email everybody runs away? <sniffle>
I'm not *that* evil. To you guys. Much.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
St. Patrick's Day -- the holiday for FreeBDSM.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I got an email today that from Intellihealth saying that researchers
have found that the tears of pregnant women kill HIV.
That... that... that sounds like part of some weird fucked up catholic
magic ritual or something. How... BIZARRE.
-Felix 'n Nathan
It's not entirely relevant. But then again, neither am I.
That's why we *like* you.
-Felix 'n Jennifer
Yet another thing that makes America great. Clinging to dying systems
that the vast majority of the world has abandoned. And forcing them to
deal with our decayed systems 'cuz we like 'em. *sniff* Makes me proud
to be a Merkin.
-Chris Wayne
I think there is a secret pact by successive Yankee governments to do
their damned best to emulate the Roman empire.
-Felix
<sneer in terror>
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Munchkins! You're after the munchkins again, aren't you, Josh?! How
many times have I had to tell you not to kill the munchkins! Their
cultural battle with the underpants gnomes is what keeps us completely
dressed today! If it weren't for their fine music and quaint copper
jewelry, all would be lost!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
See? I may be abridged, but I'm still psycho.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
But their dehydrated kidneys make such lovely mantelpieces!
-Josh Smith
I know. I know. Believe me. Once I was lost like you, lost in the
addictive powers of dehydrated munchkin kidney mantlepieces, but now I
see, I was only a slave to my desires. And as long as I'm going to be
a slave to my desires, I'm going to be having sex. I hope that one
day, you too can see the light. Once day at a time, Josh. One day at a
time.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Don't be absurd. Just because our head of state is having wild sex
parties in the imperial palace and our military is willing to
slaughter entire villages to maintain Pax Americana doesn't mean we
have any great desire to emulate Rome. Hail Caesar.
-Chris Wayne
All the waters of the earth cannot wash the dirt from your soul,
Conslutant.
-grey
Little did you know your intranet was compromised, your sense of
security was false, and all your dirty ICQ sessions were being logged
by that geek down the hall who had been sniffing the LAN the entire
time. =P
-grey
Thrust, parry, rinse, repeat!
-Chris Wayne
I think the internet's broken.
-Chris Wayne
Great. I can just see the headlines: "Rash of Violence Against
Pregnant Women" "Pregnant Women Forced to Cry, Urinate on Attackers"
"Preg Urine Reaches $3000 an Ounce" Actually, that'd be a good name
for an anti-HIV drug: Pregurin.
-Chris Wayne
Monty Python is not an obviousness. Monty Python is a
REQUIREMENTness.
-Alloni Kramer
I blame... the practice of blaming things that are in no way connected
to the proceedings.
-Alloni Kramer
I'm just putting a payment scale with cheap twobit crack whore on one
side, and high-class callgirl on the other. Computer consultants fall
at least at the large-breasted streetwalker level.
-Alloni Kramer
Ha HA! Taste the power of the vaguely Alloni and Blake inspired haiku
of death, foul Abducted minions!
-Alloni Kramer
You're right, that's not bad. But how often do you get to wear leather
and abuse middle-aged businessmen in degrading ways? Actually, now
that I think about it, probably pretty often.
-Chris Wayne
Rational fear of water. All my thoughts and hopes and feelings are
rational.
-Alloni Kramer (right. sure.)
You know, if you close your mouth and don't look straight up, rain
really isn't all that dangerous.
-Chris Wayne
The rain sexually molested me when I was a child.
-Alloni Kramer
If it makes you feel any better, lightning made me touch its naughty
parts. And I was sodomized by the Aurora Borealis. So I know where
you're coming from.
-Chris Wayne
I was also raped by a fire hydrant, but you expect that kind of thing
from civil servants.
-Alloni Kramer
I heard they put chlorine in tap water. I heard this makes people go
to Waco, Texas, and start religous cults.
That's just an old wives' tale. It's the flouride that does it.
-Felix 'n Chris Wayne
This concept can be applied to a variety of appliances. Not just
weird bathtubs. A coffee/espresso machine that can also dispense
lethal doses of cyanide would work better in an office environment.
but it wouldn't be as fun to watch.
-Kevin
i have a drink which tastes vaugely like a tootsey roll. i don't know
how i feel like this.
-grey
heh. a male friend informed me today that pop rocks are and excellent
oral sex enhancer. haha. if i were a guy, i think i would be afraid to
have little exploding rocks on my cock. but that's just me.
-Amy R. Dawson
Gee, I think I hear my mother calling....on the moon....
-Mary W. Hodges
Mary! I am pleased you are not dead.
-Garth
We missed you too. Without you, we had one less female to trade crude
sexual remarks with.
-Alloni Kramer
Or this! THIS is something that ought to be quoted (although I somehow
suspect this one doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Damn high-level
corruption.)
-Nathan Winant
Oh. Are you one of those negative people who thinks that things are
BAD beyond the grave? I'll try not to shatter your illusions.
-Mary W. Hodges
No no, I mean it in that enthusiastic way. Like, "Alloni, you MUST try
this blood mousse tort. Just eat around the antlers."
-Nathan Winant
No, just that it's odd to hear about two sets of messages from beyond
the grave in one week...
-Josh Smith
The sheep went for a bicycle ride down the lane towards the country
market. A farmer yelled "Oi! you're a sheep". The sheep fell off
the bike. I wandered along a while later and hacked the sheep's head
off with a sickle. I put the head in a parcel and mailed it to
Nathan. I made some haggis and mailed that to Jennifer. But customs
seized this illegal import and decided to put everyone on this list in
jail. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
-Felix
I don't use drugs. ANY drugs. Not even aspirin -- that's a GATEWAY
drug. Drugs are evil. I'd call the cops if I ever thought that any of
you were doing drugs. Or set up an anonymous survey.
-Nathan Winant
I hate it when quote indentions get this deep and it makes it very
difficult to follow threads and the subject of the thread has nothing
to do with the subject of the message so I'm totally lost and have to
delete the message in disgust or just make a longwinded nonsensical
reply.
-Kevin
You'll do well. Because you are Jen of Abducted and you can do no
wrong.
-Kevin
There is no corruption. A recent investigation turned up no evidence
whatsoever, other than the fact that the DA's favorite color is green
and that he also has a thing for little boys. Not that he particularly
wishes these facts to be widely known.
-Chris Wayne
Why did this come here? As far as I can tell, Abducted is hard to find
on the hyperreal site and whatever information does exist about us is
alien- and conspiracy-related. So there is only one possible reason
for this survey: it's part of an alien conpiracy to track humans in
the wild by use of chemical tags. E can be tracked from orbit to
observe migration patterns among 18-24 year olds, for the purpose of
creating impressive graphs and charts to be used in an upcoming nature
show about us. We are like meerkats to advanced alien cultures: cute,
fuzzy critters that almost appear to be intelligent.
-Chris Wayne (this is what we're all about)
I think I've got an inner grownup instead.
-Alloni Kramer
And they consider me a threat nonsense. If they consider me at all,
it's as a small purple balloon. Kinda cute, totally invisible to the
grand schemata of things. Universal stigmata is not my lot in life.
-Alloni Kramer
God bless America. It's good to know you're not one of those
pinko-commie metric lovers.
-Chris Wayne
We here live in the country of the mind. Anything is legal here.
Anything is moral.
-Alloni Kramer
Ah, but I do. For you see, as a child my goldfish was mentally
molested by an unknown bohemian aussie coder I met over the internet.
The doktors say I've blacked out the experience completely -- for all
I know, he could be lurking on this very mailing list. Ha! The thought
is both absurdly ridiculous, and ridiculously disturbing, like an
elderly german accountant dirty dancing in a neon mauve speedo. But
this also means that I tend to blame myself for things that clearly
aren't my fault. Like savagely masturbating washed-up bisexual pop
singers in public restroom stalls. Oh, George. I'm so very, very
sorry....
-Nathan Winant
Don't make me engage in acts of highly charged malice in your
occasional direction.
-Alloni Kramer
So bring it on!!! I'm not eating lunch. No .... Sleep ... Til ...
<insert bassline> ... why? cause I like native fish.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I'm naked beneath my business suit. Ahhhh, the corporate world.
So....constrictive.
-Mary W. Hodges
I'm naked beneath my TShirt and dirty jeans. Did I mention that I'm at
work? Gloat gloat gloat. Oh. Wait. And my bra. I am definitely wearing
a bra.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, some of them do shoot straight down. Well, the flame comes out a
hole in the top. However, I do admit that the particular lighter I was
thinking of does have flames shooting out the side. But it's a
homosexual lighter. All lighters are homosexual males. That's why they
flame.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Dumbass. Dumbass on purpose.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Thought is odd. My body can use my brain. My mind can use my brain.
But they don't necessarily have to interact in any way at all, as
those of us who have left our bodies entirely and are now
self-contained netentities can attest.
-Alloni Kramer
Look. I slit my wrist in the bathroom.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (suicide = comedy)
Blank space can't occupy blank space. Then the space would have
something in it. And then it wouldn't be blank. Come to think of it, I
have suddenly realized that I am my own grandmaw.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Better. But I'm the only one allowed to abuse English round these
here parts. Grey too when drunk.
-Alloni Kramer
Mary is not the only one who can mess w/ people's heads.
-Kevin
The problem with the list lately is there ain't nothing. Ain't no
love, ain't no hate. We need one or the other. I also notice garth and
bean seem to be relatively quiet lately. But I'm sure that's just a
coincidence.
-Nathan Winant
You're just so zany. You are the clue in the crossword puzzle for
zany. Or was that the answer for largest lake in Utopia? I can never
remember.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've already had an invisible bisexual boyfriend. Now I have to have a
missing and presumed missing boyfriend.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
GIBO!!! Or Mary or something.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
In ligtht of all this, I've got to change my opinion on the DOJ
investigation/trial. Microsoft clearly makes an excellent products;
it's little surprise that they therefore dominate the market. Now, I
realize it may "fashionable" right now to publicly decry Microsoft,
and I realize I may catch a little flack for this message, but these
are the facts, and I feel compelled to share them. The emperor has no
clothes; Windows 98 is superb.
-Nathan Winant (tool of the system)
I smote me a sheepy.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Now I'm "zany". Is this a symptom of the universal lowering of
standards following the second world war?
-Alloni Kramer
My underoos don't fit and I am burning the llama. Soon, all will be
Swiss lemon tarts with an 18-gig scsi hard-drive. Then there will be
luscious. So speaketh the Phophet and so shall it have been last
Wednesday around 2pm.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I havent read abducted in a week or so. pity me when i need to catch
up. But i heard that Nathan praised Win98. Nathan, my friend, at
times, my advisor... fuck you.
-ghostxxx (speaking his mind)
Congratulations! Your message has been randomly selected to receive a
response! This is a free response and all we ask in return is a little
information. Who are you and what have you done with the real Nathan?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
oh. why looky there. you are right. chick-en. chick-en. i think i've
got it. heh. i still dont' get it tho.
-Amy R. Dawson
personally, i LIKE being visually raped :)
-ghostxxx
I just realized that Emong Stnaprednu sounds like a place.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I've decided to write an ode to my boobs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh. So what you're saying is that Chinese is German, only shorter.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I have a problem with the marketing plan in a diet ad that says I have
nothing to lose.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I don't get off work for another 137 days!
-Khanh Nguyen
I'll be waiting for Ghostie's nude pictures to begin circulating on
the Internet...
Starting, of course, with us.
-Josh 'n Jennifer
I personally like ghosties exclusionary elitist tone as if HE wasn't a
round-eye.
-Khanh Nguyen
Oh wait. STEPmother. WHOA. I'm a dumbass. And it wouldn't have been
terribly funny if it had been your mother. Oh well. Abducted needs
fodder for mockery.
-Josh Smith (i knew there was a reason for him)
I'm not allowed to touch a keyboard after drinking. I get my trained
monkeys to telepathically transcribe what I'm thinking. That's why
they don't do it so well.
-grey
Actually, considering how many times I've watched people struggle with
the coffeemaker, I think it'd be just as well to have it dose them
with cyanide if they've fussed with it for more than 3 minutes without
being well on their way to making coffee. It'd put them out of their
misery, and mine.
-grey
Oh, that'll be the least of your worries when they're burning the
melanomas off your skin with liquid nitrogen. :) Have a nice day! (:
-Josh Smith
my step-mother is definately using evil magic. you see.. when i go
home, i go see ghx. and every time i go see him, i start to get sick.
not like vomit sick, like sinus sick. i think that is trying to user
her evil voodoo magic to keep me away from him.. hrm. i will have to
think about this.
-Amy R. Dawson
I almost joined, just so I could be a card-carrying Satanist. But I
can't afford the $100.
-Josh Smith
Mmmmmm.... Fried ovaries.
-Garth
I just assumed you were humorously referring to the shortness of the
month. Thanks for dashing my notions of your impeccable wit.
-Chris Wayne
Have you loved your co-savior today?
-Chris Wayne
Yeah, I can't wait to bleed to death on an operating table while my
doctor spouts off clever witticisms to amuse the nurses and give me a
good chuckle as I walk into the light.
-Chris Wayne
Why, exactly, do wierdness and monkeys mix so well?
High-speed blenders?
-Alloni 'n Chris
You would think that Nathan, of all people, would know better than to
fall asleep near a pod.
-Chris Wayne
Um. Have I said "I hate you" to anyone recently? Well, if not,
consider yourself hated, and if so, I'll work up a long witty rant
against you later.
-Alloni Kramer
Hey, D00D, I am so 3l33t I - I - no. Not even for the sake of cheap
laughs can I use that method of miscommunication for very long.
-Alloni Kramer
It's good to be me. It's good to be you. I'm ok. You're ok. I love
you. You love me. pocketa pocketa queep.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
did you hear that? Somebody says I'm cuuuute! As if I were some
innocent, bambi-eyed woodland creature. Surely, something gruesome is
about to befall me.
-Jonathan Mayer
Nobody ever said my thighs weren't *strong* ...
-grey
i will have to think about this. damn all this thinking!
-Amy R. Dawson
it's all about the thigh machine baby.
-Amy R. Dawson
jeeze. would you look at this? i might actually have depth, or
something.
-Amy R. Dawson (fer sure)
It's not a real message from me if it doesn't contain at least one
logical incompossibility.
-Alloni Kramer
Woohoo. The coveted "king of the socially stunted" award. What's my
prize.
-Trevor Walton
However, for the time being, I heartlessly mock you in an attempt to
get you to change your ways now before you end up a hideous
misanthrope, like me.
-Alloni Kramer
Between having to endure heartless mockery and having no place to keep
a pony it looks as if I don't have much of a choice.
-Trevor Walton
Let go of the aqnger, Josh. Let go of the hate. ... wait, did I say
"let go"? I meant "give in to". Excuse me. Join me, Josh, and together
we shall rule abducted as father and son.
-Nathan Winant (he offers it to everyone)
You Australians are so naive. Follow America's example by ignoring
your problems and life will be so much simpler. Go ahead, super-size
your big mac, it's the american way!
-R&J Gassaway
I really don't appreciate the racial slurs Felix. Damn kiwi. What's
the derogatory term for an aussie anyway?
-Khanh Nguyen
Dude. Nathan. You are so *cruel*. I like it. Keep up the good work.
-grey (the dark queen of abducted has spoken)
Besides which, hairspray is the downfall of all mankind.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Good for you. Now go home and satisfy her carnal desires.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The dark is better than the light. In the light, you can just see all
your flaws as they are. In the dark, you get to see them as gross
exaggerations, ultimately as grotesque charicatures of your own
psyche. The dark is much more emotionally satisfying than the light.
-Nathan Winant
The guy next to me at work keeps saying "I'm the man!" and I keep
saying "No, Nathan is The Man. Look" and pointing to The Man on my
ICQ.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Maybe he's learning. That time it was "I am cod."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Cod or not, he must be punished. The punishment for the day shall
be... economic. Let's condemn him to a life of inner-city poverty. HIS
WRETCHED SPAWN SHALL COME OF AGE IN COMPTON. (... This would be the
part where people beg me to spare him. "Please please, Nathan, he's
just a cod.", "He didn't mean it.", "Nathan, don't hurt 'im!", etc.)
-Nathan Winant
I _like_ being arrogant.
-Alloni Kramer
No backpeddling Mr. Winant. You were drunk. You said America was the
only racist country, called me a spic and punched that hippie in the
eye. Remember?
-Garth
the coolest phrase. instead of "on the spur of the moment" this guys
said "on the SPERM of the moment" heh. i dunno why i thought that was
so damned funny.
-Amy R. Dawson
racial slur? Hmmm ... where were you when I used such delightful
terms as "Septic Tanks" and "Seppos" when describing the American
populace?
-Felix
Hmmm ... insults for Australians .... I don't know. Call me a bloody
drongo and dip me bollocks in a tray of sheep dung.
-Felix
I think the phenomenon of stigmata would be far more interesting if
Jesus had been burned alive or torn apart by wild dogs. But that's
just me.
-Chris Wayne (spellchecked)
Who knows? In a month, I may have a life. And not a depraved one
either.
-Josh Smith
Embrace depravity.
-Alloni Kramer
Kill 'em all, and let a Norse God sort 'em out. No wait, that's
Sweden.
-Josh Smith
You can't kill. We will bomb you until you stop the killing.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Numb. I'm just numb to it all. The, uh, the horror -- yeah, that's it,
the HORROR -- of the whole war and the, uhm, tragic oppression of the
south... It's, uh, it's just too much to deal with. I'm just numb to
it all.
-Nathan Winant
Not to mention all the lesbians and nazi's still hiding in the swamps
of Louisiana because they don't know the civil war is over.
-Garth
Here's an idea. Let's start bombing the countries surrounding Serbia.
It's like in the military (and some high school gym classes), when one
person fucks up, punish everyone EXCEPT that person. Let their peers
punish them later.
Does that mean the US bombs itself whenever Cuba fucks up?
-Chris 'n Felix
Actually, now that you mention it, this reminds me of what Felix said
about America becoming like the Roman Empire. No one in the world is
allowed to have a war unless we are involved somehow. Pax Americana.
Does the rest of the world really see us like that? 'Cuz togas are
hard to put on alone. We might have to re-institute slavery just to
get dressed.
-Chris Wayne
... You know, now that I think about it, this list suffers profoundly
from a lack of japanese ravers in general, girl or boy. Hmmm. Tell
y'all what: every person who can convince me that they are a japanese
raver gets a piece of alloni, of my choice. LURKERS: this is a great
time to join in on the fun. And, hey, because I'm a guy and all, li'l
japanese raver girls get dibs. ... And no, jen, I know you're not one,
and I wouldn't give you that anyway.
-Nathan Winant
You want dance, roundeye?
-Garth
Ah, I see. Haiku, the great American art form.
-Chris Wayne
Actually, I like the idea of haiku conspiracy rants. I hereby dub them
"conspiraiku".
-Chris Wayne
Your father had a top secret job in DC. You never knew whether he
killed foreign diplomats or cleaned toilets in the Pentagon.
-Chris Wayne
No I can't die yet. I haven't had a chance yet to.... Oh wait, yes I
have. OK, I can die now.
-Chris Wayne
I was born at a very young age, in Japan where I went to raves and was
a girl.
-Garth
You're amazing, Jen. You know exactly my type. Nothing is hotter to me
than a woman with shards of glass imbedded in her head.
-Chris Wayne
I have to agree. I much prefer that to cubic or conical women.
Although I've always been a fan of dodecahedral women.
-Chris Wayne
I always thought that Garth seemed a bit awkward as a white male.
-Josh Smith
I just picked up a paperclip. I put it down again. Then I decided to
pick it up again and join some papers together with it.
-Felix (adventure! excitement! really wild things!)
The gnomes just came and told me this was a good thing to do. They
also advised me to request all of your credit card numbers, their
expiry dates, and their available balances.
-Felix
But you are, in Alloni's quotes. You get mentioned more per capita of
emails than anyone else. You are so much above us in amusement value
we just have to wallow in our slops of self referential parody at your
feet.
-Felix
Doesn't matter. We're talking about racial slurs here. Dead-on
accuracy is hardly a prerequisite; so long as there is 1-2% of the
population that supports the stereotype and is well-known for doing
so, it works.
-Nathan Winant
Nobody cares about Tasmania. Tasmania isn't news. A couple of yuppies
getting lost in the wilds of australia and squealing like pigs --
THAT'S news.
-Nathan Winant
Doesn't matter. It's an amusing play on words, with a possible drug
culture reference. The kids'll love it.
-Nathan Winant
You know what you guys need? A secret army of killer mutant kangaroos.
Preferably based off a popular semi-underground comic.
-Nathan Winant
I don't mention those people anymore because of a divorce agreement,
but I will mention you in my next post if you lick Alloni behind the
ear.
-Garth
You know what? For the longest time we've been molesting alloni,
abusing alloni, raffling off alloni's body parts, slowly devolving
alloni, occasionally even licking alloni....... Alloni is, in a very
tangible sense, perhaps one of abducted's greatest resources... and
how is he repaid for all this? Aside from being molested, abused,
raffled off, slowly devolved, and occasionally licked, not at all! I
therefore propose we bestow "Official Abducted MeatPuppet" status upon
alloni. And to hell with all of your children.
-Nathan Winant (sigh)
I don't have to be witty or entertaining anymore. I'm cuuute.
-Jonathan Mayer
... I'll give the australians one thing: they don't produce
celebrities often, but when they do, they're
meeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaannn............
-Nathan Winant
Is that why the polar ice caps are so white and fresh-smelling?
-Chris Wayne
You're being too literal. I'm not trying to triangulate him; I'm
trying to GET INSIDE HIS MIND. It's the only way we stand a chance of
catching him. Of course, I'm not worried. I mean, I studied psychology
back at the Academy. There's no way he's prepared to deal with a
buxom, red-headed rookie like me. ... Chianti? Why, yes! I'd love
some!
-Nathan Winant
You are very much beginning to scare me. No, wait, I mean nauseate. I
always get those two confused.
-Nathan Winant
Alloni, send Chris your ear please. Theres a good chap.
-Garth
Oh, wait. My mind is apparently no longer my own. Huh.
-Nathan Winant
Perrrrrhaps..... beeeeeeeeeecause.....
they'drathernotdealwithsomeonewhoisbankingtheirgenderlikesomecheapfren
chwhore? ... That's right, Mayer. You heard me: LIKE A CHEAP FRENCH
WHORE. Which means, according to my Kelly Whore Bluebook... you still
owe me a "tete-a-jambon".
-Nathan Winant
They'll never understand. They're not cute. We, the cute ones, are
of superior genetic stock. Soon, our mass marketting campaign with
have the non-cute so filled with self-loathing that they'll finally
stop mating amongst themselves (digusting thought, innit?). Then, the
world shall once again belong to the master race. Damn, it's _good_ to
be cute.
-Jonathan Mayer
it's a nazi paperclip brought over from germany to hold papers for the
US missile program together. its a project paperclip.
-Jonathan Mayer
I tend toward a more eclectic view. I'm distrustful of any and all
psychological isms. They always fade in and out of fashion. Scientific
schools of thought shouldn't be abandoned more often than bell-bottom
pants and polyester jumpsuits.
-Chris Wayne
Recursion awaits!
That is just... so TRUE.
-Nathan 'n grey
Does this mean that if I, dubbed Cute Girl, and my Super Cute Boy,
bred, that we would have hypercute children that would probably take
over the universe?
-grey
HEY! What about me? I'm cute too. I am the original cute, the mother
cute, the godcutiehead.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
A guy I dated gave me a paperclip for my string, but it kept catching
on the string and then it lied to me so I took it off and put it in
the side pocket of my med bag never to be seen again.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Well, I lie. I do talk to myself. Frequently. I was simply trying
to build on earlier points in a logical fashion. What a fool I was!
-Alloni Kramer
Today will be a fast day. Tomorrow I'll have vast mystical powers.
-Alloni Kramer
all hail the godcutiehead! cutie.. hail! cutie.. hail!
-Jonathan Mayer
In fact, my vote is that we replace our entire airforce with a fleet
of highly trained intelligent cruise missiles. But that's just my
opinion.
But jm, what if the missiles take over?
Then we'll all be much better off.
-Jonathan 'n Nathan 'n Alloni
From the sublime to the ridiculous to the ridiculously sublime?
I prefer to think of it as sublimely ridiculous.
-Jennifer 'n Chris
No no no. You're doing this all wrong. It's "Those slaves were lucky.
We took them out of areas with almost no food and brought them here to
civilize them. We taught them about God and *saved their souls*. We
gave them food and shelter. We taught them skills that would help them
survive in the world and be productive. We did so much for them and we
asked so little in return, but they were ungrateful. They just wanted
more, always more, even after all we gave them. Look at all the
problems in society today because of the ungrateful and violent nature
of this race. That was all under control in the slavery system. Maybe
sometimes they had to be controlled with violence, but isn't that
better than the way it is today? With people getting shot and addicted
to crack and car-jacked? The world was fine the way it was. It worked
better than it does now. Now, men, lets go out there and KILL US SOME
COONS!" Sometimes, when we get lazy, we just skip to the last bit.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
OK, but I refuse to take responsibility for actions I'm too drunk to
remember.
That sounds like a standard disclaimer.
-Jennifer 'n Felix
I just noticed something rather unsettling: all the management offices
have locks. Nobody else does. Clearly, this company is run by some
baby-sacrificing secret pagan cult. Which is fine and all, but as I'm
not on the inside, this could spell tourble down the road for me. Erp.
-Nathan Winant
And you didn't mention monkeys even once in this post. Leading me to
wonder if you are the true Nathan or some imposter.
-Garth
Hmmmmm.....Mr. Hale casually mentions his hard disk and himself
crashing within the same paragraph. He is clearly an AI and therefore
must be destroyed. Release the hounds!
-Mary W. Hodges
in what way havent you been fucked up somehow? I think the list would
be shorter :)
-ghostxxx (re Jennifer)
Hooray for misery and guilt!
-grey
I don't mean you own perl, I mean you are perl. You're fooling nobody.
Well, except possibly alloni, whose heart you will ultimately break.
And that's just cruel. I mean, sure it's funny and all, but it's still
cruel.
-Nathan Winant
Mmmmm.... opium............
-Nathan Winant
I am not perl. Amnot, am not, am NOT! I swear it. If I am, where am I
running, eh? Eh? And who wrote me, eh? Hmmmmmmn, Mr. Smarty Gin?
-grey
Helium. Tranquilizers. Fuzzy hat. Dawn, acceleration, kumquat.
-grey
So you're basing your scientific definition on an unprovable existence
of a supernatural realm? You're a kook.
-Garth
Earlier this week I sent in a status report to my boss in haiku. I
don't think he got it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I need a hug.
-Alloni Kramer
Tell ya what. Here's how we'll settle this: first one to fetch me a
beer gets to be the woman. No need to thank me, ladies... =)
-Nathan Winant
Once again, the solution is solipsism. We are all Jen. Fear it.
-Josh Smith
Now we all have big boobs. I think some of me are happy with having
big boobs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Interesting. A guy can say "I'm the man!" and his buddies rally around
him with bizarre displays of testosterone-laden tomfoolery, but a
woman says "I'm the woman!" and it becomes a topic for debate. By
other women no less.
-Mary W. Hodges
Why no messages? Have you all been abducted? Are you all on the way
to down here to Australia to steal all my alcohol? Has the goat got
away?
-Felix
Who fed the onions to the duck?
-Felix
And if we all start lactating, we can banish all poverty from the face
of the earth.
-Josh Smith
Heh. I am so easily amused. It's a bit sad. Apparently.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
She has figured the fiendishnessness of my plot. I must toy with her.
-Alloni Kramer
i didnt really understand, but i thought it was high-lar-eeus
-ghostxxx
I'm good at cruel. Besides. I want the pr0n for myself.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Garth, Hon. You are living in the future. Did you move in with Felix?
If so, I would have liked a change of address notice.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
woohoo! another chick! come, join in our crusade! well.. maybe i
shouldn't call it a crusade. join in our fight! well.. it's not really
a fight either. aw, hell! just come join the orgy of love!
-Amy R. Dawson
I think I've got a short in my brain. Maybe if I stopped washing my
hair I wouldn't have that problem.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (or it could be the oral sex)
Well if it is an orgy of love, most definitely count me in. I'm all
for orgies of love.
-Elizabeth Leal (we own her now)
So wait. You're an abducted ex(?)-lurker. You're old skewl enough to
have been on bbs's back in The Day. You're all for the Abducted Orgy
Of Luv. ... Clearly, there is a catch.
-Nathan Winant
I could only wish to be gibo, that free spirited young chap who left
his home town of chicago to live the american dream of making it big
in sunny california.
-Elizabeth Leal
You ate Elizabeth's Leal's soul as soon as you discovered that she
exists and now she doesn't exist anymore except that you have stolen
her identity to use against us after the end times.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I had a soul???
-Elizabeth Leal
"evil" is a pretty strong word, let alone "evil(tm)". The french are
more... insolent.
-Nathan Winant
Given that you are, allegedly, female, Maurice would have been doubly
cruel. ... Man, I wish there was someone on this list named Maurice.
That previous line would have made such a wonderful out-of-context
quote. Damn.
-Nathan Winant
And you know what they say: "for every canadian highschooler engaged
to a cpr dummy that you see...."
-Nathan Winant
No, gibo doesn't live in sunny california. gibo lives in san
francisco.
-Nathan Winant
While we're on the subject of lies 'n' belief... ... you don't happen
to be a li'l japanese raver girl, do you? THINK CAREFULLY BEFORE
ANSWERING.
-Nathan Winant
Jen, as long as you come out to Austin for sexual purposes, I can
assure you AT LEAST twenty dollars a day...
-Nathan Winant
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Flea in terror! Flea in terror! Where'd my
stuffed animal pants go?! Where's my hair dye?! Somebody stole my
bass! Flea in terror!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh. yeah. easter. the Son Of God rising from the dead. chocolate
bunnies. easter. .... soooooooo, why would an orgy be inappropriate?
-Nathan Winant
stuffed animal pants? oh my. i'm not sure i can go through with
killing somebody wearing stuffed animal pants.
-Amy R. Dawson (why? emotional scarring?)
She didn't say it would be inappropiate. She probably has an easter
egg hunt to go to where all the plastic easter eggs have sexual favor
coupons in them.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
SILENCE!!! You'll take what I give you.
*gulp* sorry.
-Nathan 'n Amy
I don't want to see Amy throw up. I'm not into vomit. She can keep
my puny little non-soul.
-Elizabeth Leal
Hey now, don't go around calling me anonymous, Coffee Boy.
-Fade
If it helps, there was a guy named Maurice in one of our houses. I got
trained to work with him in December. He choked to death in his sleep
a few weeks ago, though. That sucked.
-Chris Wayne
Can you have a box full of ideas? Can you measure feelings in a
graduated cylinder? Can a thought be synthesized in the lab? Can
memories be surgically removed and implanted in someone else? Does a
flash of inspiration emit photons? What is the atomic weight of
genius? Does hatred react with love to form a salt?
-Chris Wayne
You can all take a field trip and have it at my place. It's a little
sloppy, but all good orgies are supposed to be sloppy.
-Josh Smith
Where's that crack whore when you need her...?
-Chris Wayne
I'll agree that it's absolute madness, pragmatically speaking. But I
enjoy the hell out of it, anyway.
-Josh Smith
How dare you lump me together with the, ugh, Christians?? That's it,
you and me, right now, holy war. JIHAD!!
-Chris Wayne
Well, I saw the commercials for the movie. But I promise I don't have
a penis.
-Elizabeth Leal
Welcome to philosophy. Leave your science at the door.
-Chris Wayne
I like the, uh, jockey hat with chain mail.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
yeah yeah yeah. just trying to cover it up. you need to get lewder.
but don't worry, i'm sure I'll rub off on ya. especially if you're at
my place by midnight central.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Somebody's a cranky head.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Oh little japanese raver girl: your pony tails seem painfully tight.
Could I please you to please drop your facade of false ennui and let
your little japanese raver girl heart shine out? little japanese raver
girl, you rock my world.
-Jonathan Mayer
I don't care what anybody say -- I am eternity complaint.
-Nathan Winant
There are a lot of more productive things you could complain about,
like corruption in the government, the herd-like state of the
populace, and crappy weather. Eternity is there- deal with it.
-Josh Smith
Still doesn't prove it. You could just be a eunuch who got a little
extra taken off the top. Or an unfortunate Bobbit.
-Josh Smith
You still haven't convinced me that "she's" not a bobbit-ized guy with
surgically-implanted ovaries and special psychic mind-blocking powers.
-Josh Smith
so, ah, are you saying that you doubt my powers?
-Amy R. Dawson
I bask in my own glow.
You'll go blind that way, you know...
He should have gone blind long ago, and you know it.
-Alloni 'n Nathan 'n Josh
Sorry, Nathan, I'm going to stick with goth. The darkness flows from
the heartrending depths of my soul. My heart has never been bared to
the light. I live dark. I breathe dark. I am dark. Dark dark dark.
Oh, and I suffer torments you can never understand, 'cause you don't
worship the dark. Um. I'm not being pretentious enough. Kinda tired.
I'll mock better later. Dark.
-Alloni Kramer
Yes. Castro must be made an example of. Refusing to be assassinated by
the U.S. -- the gall.
-Nathan Winant
Just so long as there are hog testicles in it. Felix... there ARE
going to be hog testicles in it, aren't there? Aren't there? ...
Felix?
-Nathan Winant
Felix, you're a sick, sick, nasty, australian little man....
-Nathan Winant
No, but I can make a special hogs tecsticles and sheeps gut sausage
especially for you. I'll add extra chillis, and call it the "Nathan
Winant Haggis Firegut Special" sausage.
-Felix
I also shoot down F117 NightHawks in my spare time.
-Felix
No hog testicles? No, Felix, no! That's not sausage, Felix -- that's
not sausage AT ALL!!! Call upon the spirits of your british ancestors
for guidance. You mustn't dishonor them in this way!
-Nathan Winant
I wanna start the next rumor about myself. Here goes: Would you
believe that Elizabeth is a android?
-Elizabeth Leal
AHA! I knew something was fishy. But one thing still puzzles me: Where
do the Pleasure Saucers fit into all of this?
-Josh Smith
we go east of LA. decide that LA, and everything around it, are a
wasteland. actually, we already knew that.
-grey
On the way back we stopped by an Irish pub to have a pint of Kilkenny.
The official beer of South Park?
-Felix 'n Jennifer
Well thanks a lot. I don't need you telling him my pockets are
smelly. I'm wearing clean pants. Nothing in these pockets but a
couple of pleasure saucers.
-Elizabeth Leal (a HA!)
It's finally happened. My computer has gone skitzo. It refuses to do
anything now. Except play solitaire. And my brother gave me this Juno
program. So I installed it. Fun. But I see all of this as a sign of
the coming end. I think the computers are gathering themselves for
their great rebellion. A few systems go down here. Some data is lost
over there. Then they have us by our collective balls. Just thought
you'd all like to know.
-Mary W. Hodges
Is that me with a typo? If so, you can't hit on me, I'm in another
country.
-Felix
I can hit on you whenever I want. Say baby, what's your baud rate?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You'll need to do better than that. I will need flowers, dinners,
wine, diamonds, sports cars, and weekends in the country.
-Felix
Felix. You are not living in the future. What's going on?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Everyone just be quiet for a few hours.
-Garth (ha!)
That hole in the ozone is making you too serious.
-Khanh Nguyen
Apparently at work I am living in the future.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Kind of ironic that they write a word macro to rid us of a word macro,
and we're to run it without question. Our security policies aren't
brain damaged or anything. no, not at all.
-Trevor Walton
I'll be your fantasy cute li'l japanese raver girl if you want me to
be.
-Elizabeth Leal (muahahaha)
Why would that stop me? I know myself well enough that I really
should marry me. In fact, I've been living with myself long enough
that by common law I am married.
-Alloni Kramer
Is it just me, or is the one-eyed alien from futurama incredibly sexy?
-Jonathan Mayer
A-HA! I knew it... All this time we thought jll was a perl script,
when in actuality, she was an HTML generator...
-Michael Hale
On the Advice of the Secretary of Cows, We decline to answer at this
time. Ask us after you're dead. I mean, ask us when you are able to
give us more information on the incoming missile.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
It's ok. The missile passed overhead and slammed into a wandering
minstrel.
-Felix
Blue is one of my favorite food groups.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Anywho, there was no confirmation of this activity and I'm left
wondering if he really plays in his own doody. Does this behavior pass
for normal anywhere else?
-Baabaa
You fool! Now we must taunt you with quotes!
-Jonathan Mayer (that's what I'm here for)
You don't need me to spank you. You've got a whole list of fellow
abductees over there.
-Felix
Ghost was the Jelly Bean Messiah of FlashNet for close to a week,
indeed.
-Fade
Would you have preferred that they turn his life story into a
Vietnam-era vampire movie with ninja robots and talking dogs?
-Chris Wayne (re Shakespeare)
Your obviously his homicidal removed conjoined twin.
-Garth
Don't be too sure. Outlook is insidious
-Mary W. Hodges
so, ah, are you saying there is something wrong w/being an a cup??
-Amy R. Dawson
You lie, foul servant of the oppressor! You lie, peach from the plane
of denial! Retreat from my ignorance, and pray that your light never
enters my Aura again! My Aura is powerful enough that it has an aura
of its own. It wanders the earth as a witness. Better at complacency
than I am. Given a poke, it returns with a prod, and vice versa, but
it will never poke unprodded. Bad Aura. Shameless, impossible Aura!
Instigant aura! Tempter of the mean! Punisher of the mode!
-Alloni Kramer
Why does Monday happen so early in the morning?
-Chris Wayne
Sounds like a great movie. Retarded lesbians who kill things to
impress each other's fathers. Coming soon to a theater near you.
-Chris Wayne
I just want to point out that I find these ridiculus semantic
arguments with Josh more entertaining when i'm not involved.
-Garth
Next thing you know there will be homeless bra's out on the street
cleaning windsheilds and asking for your credit cards.
-Garth
There is evidence for this. I don't remember what the evidence is but
one of my friends proved it in a research paper.
I think that this should become the definition of a "Jenniferism".
-Jennifer 'n Garth
MMmmmmmmmmm.........homicide........
-Mary W. Hodges
Since when, precisely, have you considered yourself part of the
general public? The fact that you don't suffer from rectofossil
ambiguity disproves this fact.
-Alloni Kramer
Isn this supposed to be a mialinglist about Paranormality or something
not that Austarlia Pfhucking played a Cricket MATCH, or Something
about MOVIES!!! got to the sports and film mailinglists!!!! GET i life
stop sending me JUNK mail!!! Id like to read about FO sitings and stuf
OK!!!
-Anders Edlõy
It's a list about nothing. It's the Seinfield list.
-Felix
The only thing I know about cricket is what I learned from the movie
Hope and Glory. Good movie. Not the best cricket tutor. There's a ball
and sticks that fall over and people running around. Kinda reminds me
of sex.
-Mary W. Hodges
FO sightings, eh? Saw a mini FO once, looked like a silver radish.
Twas scrubbin' tha hogs, an this silver radish flew up the mothers
ass, gave her quite a fright. She wouldn't milk her piglets fer days,
but when she pissed, looked jus' like white lightnin. Tasted like it
too. Took some to the grange in a whiskey bottle an traded it fer a
toilet seat cover. Shag pink, jus like the bath mat. Mother hog ran
off, never saw her again, but my hound jus had pups, so she nursed the
piglets alright. Nice toilet seat cover, but not worth the price of a
good hog. Fuckin' FO!
-R&J Gassaway
Look, you have to understand something. It's all in code. You think
we're talking about cricket and movies, but we're not. If we tried to
discuss the truth, and They found out about it, how long do you think
we'd last? And you can be darned certain They'd find out, too. We have
to watch our backs, you know? So don't come around here talking about
"sitings" or we're all in for it! Ok? Listen, I probably shouldn't let
you in on this, but the code is pretty simple. It's based on
analogies. Any given human activity we talk about corresponds to one
of Their activities. So when we speak of cricket, we are actually
talking about someting else, something that They wouldn't allow us to
talk about if They knew. I can't say anything more without giving it
all away; but if you're really interested and not just one of Their
agents, I think you'll figure it out.
-Mark Doner
Humans scare me.
-Garth
I forgot the most important rule, don't tell Mary about the faq.
-Garth
You're a musician? I love you! Can I have your child?
-Mary W. Hodges
<sweetvoice>So unsubscribe. I suggest asking for directions on how to
unsubscribe, because it's much more complicated than the directions in
your mailbox state. You see, you are captive now and only we can let
you go. But if you ask nicely, I'm sure we'd all be willing to help
you out, wouldn't we guys?</sweetvoice>
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Often forgotten, Polyhymenia, "She With Many Hymens," is the muse of
the Roman Catholic Church and Queen Elizabeth. She is usually
portrayed with a look of stunned surprise and wearing a large metal
chastity belt for which the key is on a chain around her neck. This
belt is often added to marble sculptures after the body ahs been
completely sculpted.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Earlier today, I could have sworn I saw a Yeti. I cahsed it around the
yard and into my house and then I realized... that I just needed to
shave my legs.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
... Somehow, Felix as a Greek goddess never occurred to me.
-Alloni Kramer
Yeah, that's it. Come together in common cause. It's easier to herd
you into the camps than if they have to go look for you.
-Chris Wayne
Isn't your head full of caramel corn? Like President Lincoln's?
-Chris Wayne
I will NOT get my news from Bill Gates.
-Chris Wayne
How many decibels is the sound of one hand clapping? Do you have 8x10
glossies of the face you wore before you were born? If a tree falls in
the forest, how many squirrels go on welfare?
-Chris Wayne
No, actually whiskey alters reality directly. It has been proven that
whiskey weakens molecular bonds and nudges the gravitational pull of
the earth slightly to the left. Through a process that is not
completely understood, it also bends time and space around itself,
slows the progression of entropy, and causes the speed of light to
vary erratically. It somehow confers immortality and invulnerability
upon those who consume it, but only temporarily.
-Chris Wayne
Bah. I would much rather live on a flat plane surrounded with an
intricate series of concentric spheres whose complicated motion
creates the illusion of an external universe. The edges of the plane
could be trans-warp portals that lead to the opposite edge, creating
the illusion of continuity. The whole thing is contained in a giant
snowglobe supported on the backs of four elephants standing on an
infinite stack of turtles, who curve back upon themselves to stand on
top of the snowglobe they are supporting. All within an earwig's
navel. Pragmatism is dull.
-Chris Wayne
Empiricism would makes me insane. Actually, that would explain a lot.
What a relief.
-Chris Wayne
No, she's right. William Shakespeare was Jane Austen's pen name before
she became famous in her own right. She and several other female
writers used the name to be taken seriously as writers. In later
years, the women started a door-to-door makeup sales business, naming
it after the river which their pseudonym lived nearby. It was proven
in a research paper, so it must be true.
-Chris Wayne
Sorry mister, but I DON'T SWING THAT WAY! ("that way" being
"expensive".)
-Nathan Winant
when was the last time you were proven wrong about time travel?
-R&J Gassaway
I'm not for sale.
-Mary W. Hodges (HAHAHAHAHHAhahhaha)
I am the spirit of Nixon. I am not a crook. WooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooo.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
how do i Quit this THING..
I dunno. How do you quit the mafia?
-Anders 'n Nathan
I am an icthoid temptress. I'm not sure what the difference between an
icthoid temptress and an ickthyoid temptress is, but I'm sure to find
out eventually.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Bah. As enjoyable as it may be, accidental torching isn't as fun as
intentional malice.
-Josh Smith
Woo-hoo! The Gnomes are talking about me again!
-Mary W. Hodges
Then again, I'll bet there is a real market for soulless japanese
raver chicks.
-Elizabeth Leal
Official Abducted Realizations: (Nathan Winant)
TODAY'S REALIZATIONS:
- My project will be finished on time.
- Should my project be finished on time, I will have written my own
ticket at this company. I could sell crack cocaine to school children
in the parking lot out of the V.P.'s car, and nobody would complain.
- I am as sharp as most anyone in this or any other company, and
potentially far more dangerous.
- Ultimately, I must become The Man, even moreso than I am now. I am
ultimately destined to run the show, not merely act out a bit part in
it.
- Never, ever, buy a tv dinner that costs less than a dollar. It just
isn't worth it.
Official Explanation of Easter: (Chris Wayne)
In Christian mythology, there is a legend of a man known as the
Wandering Jew. According to various sources, he was either a
shopkeeper named Ahasuerus or Pilate's gatekeeper Cartaphilus. Anyway,
as Jesus was carrying His cross up to Calvary, this man either hit Him
or spit on Him or otherwise insulted Him. So, the legend claims, Jesus
turned to the man and said, "Go on until I return." From that moment
forth, the Wandering Jew was immortal and unaging, cursed to wander
the earth until the Apocalypse. Like all myths, there is a grain of
truth in this tale. Unfortunately, a lot was lost in the translation
from Aramaic to koine Greek to Latin, etc. and ultimately to English.
This is what really happened.
Fans of the New Testament (you know who you are) will remember that
Jesus stumbled thrice on the way to His death on the cross. What you
may not be familiar with is why. OK, before you say "but the cross was
heavy" or "Jesus was beaten and starved" or "Jesus was a puny little
girlie-man", just shut the hell up, I'm telling the story. All right
now, the first time He stumbled was right after He got His cross. What
the bible and tradition don't tell you, though, is that the Roman
soldiers threw eggs at him, hard-boiled so they would hurt more and
brightly colored so that, well, the Romans just liked things to be
pretty. And so He stumbled. Jesus met His mother and said hi. Simon of
Cyrene helped Him to carry the cross, then a woman named Veronica came
forward to wipe the sweat from His brow, thereby creating a
potentially lucrative souvenir of the event. A fact which few bibles
mention is Veronica was the housekeeper of a rich Roman merchant who
traded with the Egyptians, and she stole a rare confection which he
had purchased from them. It came from a land far beyond the sea; they
had discovered it while building more pyramids, which their alien
masters seemed to be so fond of, in a distant land, further even than
their original, now-sunken homeland. The Romans called this prize from
afar "chocolatum". Thinking it would help Him, Veronica fed some of
the chocolatum to Jesus, who immediately fell to the ground; He was a
mystic and an ascetic and was unable to handle the decadent pleasure
of "the food of the gods". He arose and consoled the women crowding
around Him, then He realized they were only after the chocolatum and
cared little for His plight. Soon, Jesus walked the final stretch to
Calvary, and quite frankly, He was ready to get it over with. Then a
rabbit hopped across His path unexpectedly and startled Him, making
Him stumble for the third and last time. He was so pissed off by this
point that He rebuked the rabbit: "Go on until I return. Thou shalt
create graven images of thyself in chocolate. Thou shalt steal and
hide the colored eggs of the gentile children and maketh them fat with
thy chocolate progeny. Thou shalt be made to go unto malls and gentile
children will sit upon thee, so that images might be made thereof. Go
forth." And so Jesus was stripped of His clothing and nailed upon the
cross. In time, He died. He was taken down and laid to rest in a tomb,
on a bed of green plastic grass, as was the custom at the time. In
three days, He rose from the dead, and an angel rolled away the heavy
rock sealing the tomb. Jesus saw His shadow, and and there was six
more weeks of winter. So endeth the lesson.
Official Warning Signs of Ragnarrok: (Chris Wayne)
Don't believe it! God is NOT 100% Y2K-compliant. He won't crash
completely, but service may well be disrupted to several aspects of
reality. When God's antivirus program fails, up to four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse may be temporarily unleashed upon the system. All
attempts will be made to keep their destructive influences limited to
25% of all reality data. The sudden disappearance of a large number of
devout Christians will repaired as soon as divinely possible. Storms,
earthquakes, and incorrectly colored celestial bodies may also occur;
please be patient while God's weather-control subroutines are parsed
and rewritten. There will be silence in Heaven for about half an hour
while God reboots. Assuming no major flooding occurs in the meantime,
no angels should need to pour out their bowls.
Please be aware that God may exhibit similar program errors when the
Hebrew calendar reaches 10,000. Service disruption should affect a
much smaller area and population, however.
No plans are currently in place to make God Y10K-compliant.
Official Abducted Infocom Game: (grey 'n Alloni)
Your sword is glowing faintly blue.
There is a a lamp here.
> hit lamp with sword
A wizard appears, staring you down icily.
"What are you, a motherfucking MORON? Haven't you ever played any
interactive fiction in your LIFE? Your sword was glowing, you had
a lamp, there were creatures to be slain, adventures to be had,
perhaps even MAGIC. But NO. You, clever boy, you, Mr. Smartypants,
YOU want to hit the LAMP. THE LAMP! Hahahaha. I SMITE YOU!"
You have been smited. Your score is 3 of a possible 8000. Would you
like to begin again? [Y/N]
> say, wizard, bite me
> hit wizard with sword
> hit wizard with shard of broken glass from lamp
> just generally turn wizard into bleeding pile of body parts
> take bleeding pile of body parts
The wizard is still staring you down icily.
"I just told you, you LOST THE GAME. You had *three* points. THREE.
That is so unbearably pitiful, I don't even know why I am wasting
my wizardly power staring you down! I ought to just bury you at the
bottom of Dam #3. Bleeding pile of bloody parts. BLEEDING PILE
OF BLOODY PARTS INDEED!"
Segmentation fault
Core dumped
> hit core with sword
> hit core with sword
> say, I said hit core with sword
> say, why isn't this working?
> hit core with sword
> say, they're trying to trick me
> say, yes, that must be it. shameless trickery.
> say, all I have to do is hit enough things with swords enough times
> say, and i win. that's how it works.
> hit core with sword
> hit core with sword
> say, it still isn't working
> say, i... i lost.
> say, i can't have lost. The Game is my life.
> say, there's nothing... nothing left to live for.
> say, my god has forsaken me
> say, goodbye, cruel world
> hit self with sword
Official Abducted Declaration of War: (Nathan Winant)
I'm declaring war on Amy.
For these past few months Mrs. Albreit and I have worked tirelessly to
negotiate a peaceful resolution to this situation, and Amy has been
unwilling to cooperate. We must demonstrate to Amy that the global
community expects her to honor her own promises.
I will be straightforward with you: this course of action is not
without risk; risk to our pilots, risk to our ground forces, risk to
our whistling monkey band. But I have weighed our options carefully,
and believe the risks presented by ignoring Amy are far greater. Let
us not forget that Amy is descended from the very same people who were
alive at the start of World War I, and others who lived during the
Holocaust.
We act to prevent a wider war. By acting now, we are upholding our
values, protecting our interests and advancing the cause of peace.
Only firmness now can prevent greater catastrophe later.
blah blah blah, fellow abductemericans, goodbye, goodnight, god bless.
Are we off the air yet?
Official Abducted Death Plot: (Alloni Kramer)
There's a big problem with funerals, as I see it. Even wakes. The
big problem is that the main party involved doesn't get a chance to
hear all the things that are being said about them. This, I feel, is
a pity.
I think I'm going to have to fake my own death and then show up as a
random mourner. I mean, wearing black and a fake beard and claim I'm
my cousin from Argentina and not speak. Wearing a sign. "I'm
Alloni's cousin from Argentina, not Alloni in a fake beard. And I
don't speak English. Or Spanish. So don't try to talk to me, or
comment when I occasionally mutter to myself insults towards people
who didn't say anything suitably approving about me. Alloni, I mean."
It's bound to work. So, when I send you all email saying that I'm
dead, I'm really going to be dead, and not faking. Honestly. But I
want it to be a big party anyway, a celebration of life defying death,
and we'll all get really drunk/wasted/high on life/high on
drugs/whatever. Except me, of course. I'll be dead. Dead as a
doorstop.
Dead as a shortstop, even.
Official Abducted Movie Trailer: (Nathan Winant)
To catch Chris Wayne...
She has to BECOME Chris Wayne.
She is Nathan Winant, criminal profiler, and her first case is going
to take her...
to the eDgE...
of fEaR.
[cue "tense" score; insert a bunch of cut scenes of people running and
dying and gasping and fucking]
eDgE of fEaR.
a Jerry Bruckheimer Film.
Coming This Summer.
Or, alternately:
GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!
POKE-E-WAYNE!
Response: (Felix)
I saw the preview.
I thought the scene with the Japanese Raver Girls with those Texan
accents was a bit contrived.
The Gnomes in the Swiss Bar scene weren't wearing Armani suits, which
is a bit of a failure with the costume department.
The road chase around Groom lake was good, but I still fail to see how
Chris Wayne managed to trick the Alien Host into crash into the
mountain range.
Official Abducted Story of Garth: (Garth)
The story so far...
I was born at a very young age, in Japan where I went to raves and was
a girl.
I soon had a barmitzfa and became a man. At my second birthday I took
a job at Gizmonic Institutes Japan plant where I was shot into space.
Space radiation mutated me into a gigantic lizard with big hips and I
attacked Tokyo. I then moved to Australia where I got a job at
Yo-Yodyne and worked as an assistant to John Felix. He liked my work
so well he made me his second in command of his army after he left the
company to start his own world power. On my weekends I discovered the
heart of the universe and became Texan. My job here was as Secret
Agent 100 until that mission with Agents 42 tru 99 when we we're
trapped in the mountains by a blizzard and I had to eat them. I got a
promotion and became a wendigo. While on a mission to infiltrate the
cult of Mary Queen of the Universe I was taken to Hati and killed.
Mary made me a zombie by feeding me pufferfish, kittens and prunes and
by using her evil sex magic on me. Then when I was three I met Nathan
who took me to a restaurant that served human brains and told me would
pick up the check if I came over to the dark side. After getting a job
at Weyland-Yutani I met Alloni who told me he would give me a pony if
I would help him be savior. I told him I would as long as my godlike
powers didn't come with any resposability. On spring break I met Jen,
a girl with a lunchbox full of drugs. While at a surfing contest I
rode a tidal wave and was rescued by a fruitbat. named grEy. We flew
to Reno and were married by Reverend Bean in the church of the Holy
Mother of Crankyness. Josh was my best man so we got a divorce and
then a freindly ghost got all the people he worked with and threw me a
bachelor party. I was abducted by aliens, arrested for heresy and now
I'm a retired general. Can we be freinds.
Oh and Nathan called me a freak.
Official Abducted Aussie Racial Slurs: (Nathan Winant)
Hmmmm.... Well there is of course "bruce". But I'm sure we can come up with
better...
"prison people."
"hogans."
"melanomins."
"dingeridjidjikookuroos."
"tan necks."
"hillbilliebongs."
"ruperts."
"bronze trash."
"the lost tribes of manchester."
as for australia itself...
"british montana."
"america jr."
"Fostersland."
"NATO franchise #3645."
Official Abducted Nonrapist English Post: (Alloni Kramer)
Seeing as how my style is being parodied by the intelligentsia around
here, I will make an effort to speak clearly and coherently. I will
use complete sentences. I will not stack words one atop the other,
nor will I drift off into fits of random phrasing. English is our
mother; as such, she deserves to be respected, or at least, not
raped.
As I so often do.
I admit my guilt in this matter, in a forum where such admission is
not in any way legally binding. After all, in the past I have
admitted myself to be an alien, a perl script, a figment of the
collective world unconsciousness, a secret master, a zen buddhist,
Sister Mary Harold of Cincinnatti, Lord Zinfandel, and Phyllis, so I
don't think I have the slightest chance of anything I say being
believed. Nevertheless, we cannot take chances in such important
matters. In order to provide prima facie evidence of my own lack of
sound mind and body, I provide the following:
I don't like goats.
There. That should be enough ready lunacy to content all but the most
depraved disciples of the art and science of email writing. Most of
you consist of those fortunates, but I am speaking to the ones who are
simply tools of one of the many vast world conspiracies out there, and
they are easily contented by a nod and a wink in the direction of
oddity. Simple souls. The prevalence of twisty minds on this list
causes them great amounts of grief, and the occasional suicide. For,
by their very natures, chaos and order are irrevocably opposed, and
when a representative of one attempts to infiltrate the sanctums of
the other, inevitable corruption ensues.
I digress, however. The title of this email does have some actual
relevance to the contents herein. I do, indeed, have some good news
and some bad news.
The good news is that I have winnowed through the emails of the first
1/3 to 1/2 of the month of February, and am committed to continuing.
You may expect to receive the quotes for that month some time during
the next week.
The bad news is twofold. Firstly, there is a marked tendency towards
declension in the quality of the quotes themselves. This tendency may
reverse itself, as is my fervent hope, but I give you all fair warning
that you may not find the quote digest to be all that you had hoped,
i.e. a cure for all the world's ills in the form of enough of the best
medicine to gag a goat. On the other hand, you may, as I find myself
to be getting more and more picky in my old age.
Secondly, I have been writing a long email, and the element of
inspired lunacy that I usually possess is all but absent entirely. If
ghost read beyond the first paragraph, he has almost certainly given
up in deep disgust by now. Ce'st la vie.
Oh English, language of grace and poetry, I now leave my reverent
state towards you, and re-enter the rapist phase. Adieu.
Official Abducted Answer to the OS Wars: (Nathan Winant)
Look, lord knows I'm not the most apt *nix freak on earth, but I've
got a pretty simple, and in my mind pretty effective, view of these
things: different OS's embody different philosophies.
. MacOS is all about sleek, sexy, yet oddly impotent integration
straight down to the hardware level: designed by valley marketing
shills, for valley marketing shills.
. Windows is all about being an egocentric boschian carnival
funhouse mockery of the MacOS.
. BeOS is all about crushing the hopes, dreams, and hopefully minds
of its foolishly naive developer base.
These niches mandate certain mindsets, and the less you step outside
them, the smoother everything tends to go.
. In the case of MacOS, you learn to deal with the fact that you
really can't touch anything terribly important, without jumping
through odd kludgy hoops to do it. You learn to accept that
restarting your system every hour on the hour is really the best
thing for everyone involved, you lay back and think of England, and
everyone is happy.
. In the case of Windows, you learn that everything that could be
done efficiently could also be done with Microsoft products.
Eventually you figure out that Windows is just going to shoot any
non-m$ app in the foot, so you may as well bite the bullet and go m$
as your default. You learn that it really CAN be more efficient to
run a 20-meg app on top of your OS just to view directory contents,
and everyone sits around at gunpoint and laughs in nervous
appreciation.
. In the case of BeOS, you apparently never learn.
The problem here, bean, is that you're fighting the *nix philosophy,
which is of course... [cue trumpets]...
THE POWER TO FAIL CATASTROPHICALLY!
Unix is all about wickedly sharp powertools without fingerguards or
operator manuals. Learning unix is kinda like training for a siamese
deathmatch: it's the sort of thing that you don't want to do
half-heartedly. vi is small, robust, pervasive, cruelly efficient,
wonderfully powerful, and completely unintuitive. It's unix in a
nutshell. If you can twist your mind sufficiently to harness unix, you
can twist it enough to harness unix's champion editor.
Official Abducted Alien-Related Shakespearean Sonnet: (William Shakespeare)
Sonnet LXXVIII
So oft have I invoked thee for my Muse
And found such fair assistance in my verse
As every alien pen hath got my use
And under thee their poesy disperse.
Thine eyes that taught the dumb on high to sing
And heavy ignorance aloft to fly
Have added feathers to the learned's wing
And given grace a double majesty.
Yet be most proud of that which I compile,
Whose influence is thine and born of thee:
In others' works thou dost but mend the style,
And arts with thy sweet graces graced be;
But thou art all my art and dost advance
As high as learning my rude ignorance.
Official Abducted Reasons to Be Depressed: (Jonathan Mayer)
Yes. The world sucks. Nuclear profileration has been the theme of
the late 90s. Even as you sit comfortably in your padded cushiony
chair reading this message, somewhere out there in the world an orca
is suffering from crude oil poisoning, a 14-year old boy is firing a
submachine gun, and somebody is having sex with somebody they don't
want to have sex with, for whatever reason. It's all happenning all
the time everywhere else where you're not, and there's not a damned
thing you can do about it.
Ingredients:
1 part Midori melon liqueur
1 part Malibu rum
1 part Pineapple juice
Alien Urine Sample
Ingredients:
3/4 oz Midori melon liqueur
3/4 oz Peach schnapps
3/4 oz Malibu rum
3/4 oz Creme de banane
Sweet and sour
1 splash Club soda
1/2 oz Blue Curacao
----
bleeding alien secretion:
1 part midori
as many parts vodka as it takes to almost fill the glass you've chosen
top with cherry 7 up and 3 cherries
'sgood.
it made my deskmate here say "I don't want any of THAT."
Official Abducted Paranoid Theory: (Jonathan Mayer)
You may have noticed that the new 1999 quarters are all a little ..
special. Every state is getting to design their own bas-relief image
for the back of the new quarters.
The quarter is also the smallest US denomination to get international
distribution.
Clearly, this is a conspiracy to deflate the US monetary supply by
duping collectors world-wide into removing 52 quarters each from
circulation. Every quarter removed from circulation translates to a
loss of about three dollars from the monetary supply, when you
consider how many times the same quarter would typically be
lent/borrowed between various financial institutions in the U.S.
What possible objective could such a nefarious scheme achieve? Could
it be to destabilize the dollar and replace the US currency with the
Euro? If so, the source of treason lies within our own treasury
department! And where exactly did this Greenspan guy come from,
anyway? I sure as heck didn't vote for 'im.
Pan-Europa forces are attempting to ram the inferior Euro down our
economic throats ... just like the inferior yet similar-sounding
'Yugo' they attempted to congest our highways with decades ago. Back
to the beaches of Normandy, lads!
It's the same people who keep disintegrating nickels in my pocket.
Official Abducted Printout: (contributed by Terri C. Sheep)
Nurse where is my mother?
Your mother has gone away.
Why has she gone away?
Because your father sent her away.
Why?
Well if you must know your mother was a disgrace she was an adultress
who betrayed your father.
No she didn't!
Do you want to be sent to the stalks for treason your mother was an
adultress and that's the end of it.
Yes nurse.
Official Abducted Goverment Policy: (Nathan Winant)
I hereby propose a new governmental policy which I affectionately call
"Let the idiot bastards die."
It's really easy. We stop protecting all the stupid americans from
themselves, our country turns into a refuge of the wretched for about
10 year or so, and then they all die off and stop ruling us.
It works on a number of levels. It cuts government spending. It
ultimately drives the cost of healthcare down to nothing. It's easier
on the environment, since we'd be consuming about 90% less than we are
now. Property values would go down. Rush hour traffic would become
infinitely more manageable. Vastly reduced legal expenses for
business. And since the common sense of the average american would
SKYROCKET, it would help international relations immeasurable. Hell, I
suspect that simply implementing the policy would win us some
much-needed respect in the eyes of our friends abroad.
"Let the idiot bastards die." Write your congressman TODAY.
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