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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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I was actually here the year before last. Wasn't that around
the time when Jon Mayer sent out all the "anal rape" warnings?
-Eyedunno
Just filling the empty space that is my abducted inbox.
-Kevin
I also took a religious artifact from Nathan. It was all that
was left after he performed the miracle of the tiny explosion.
-Garth
Kissing Alloni is like kissing a giant drooling squirrel which
may or may not have rabies.
-Garth (he lies! they all lie!)
Wait. No. It's not rabies. I can't remember. DISTEMPER! That's
right. Kissing Alloni is like kissing a giant drooling squirrel
with distemper.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (you all hate me. sniff.)
So I want to know this: if pollsters only get 10% faith and
Biblical prophecies get 49% faith, wouldn't this statistic be
more believeable if it claimed to be a Bibical prophecy?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Just as I clicked on the link to the index, my screen went black
and my computer shut down. A quick look around the house showed
that everything was off. The convenience store across the street
was pitch black inside. Blackout as far as the eye could see.
Your web page knocked out power in the entire grid. Be proud.
-Chris Wayne
I like dry heat (like we usually get). Heat so dry it is
difficult to breath, heat so dry the German and English tourists
drop off like flies on a hot tin roof.
-Felix
heh, I took a girl to see the star trek movie tonight, cuz she
was making fun of it the other day. I ended up making out with
her at my house in front of the fireplace.
-ghostxxx (star trek is the ultimate aphrodesiac)
The US government puts LSD in tornados now?
-Felix
My current theory is the peanut curry I ate, but I think there
is equal odds on a vast government conspiracry involving gnomes,
round-the-world baloons, and the euro.
-Felix
maybe its a "tornado"[1] and the sky will turn all green and
purple
[1] tornado- a government excuse for alien contact
-Bean
You could write about your opinions on cheese. For instance,
you may have a passionate belief that soft blue vein cheeses are
the choice of the blessed, whilst hard bland cheddars are the
refuse of the scoundrel. Or you may take the opposite tack,
declaring boldy that blue vein cheeses are for mentally demented
chattering class wood-boys.
-Felix
U.S. Government cheese is not so much bad as diabolical.
-Mark Doner
maybe i shouldn't even send this. but in a way, this is a very
quiet test message. i'm sending it to myself in all lowercase
so that it's quieter.
-Interstellar Groovy Dave (he shows up, he gets quoted, he
leaves)
if I don't get any email in the next half hour nothing is gonna
happen
-Rafael Lemke
I'm sure Jen is sincere that Alloni is "alive". A shambling
soulless zombie meatpuppet of a man, but quite "alive".
-Nathan Winant (no respect)
I also remember talking about how cool it would be if cats layed
eggs. You could always tell what your cat was gonna look like by
the fur on the egg... and of course, if you were hungry, you
could poach a couple cat eggs...
-ghostxxx
"Great chundering bollocks" someone just yelled.
-Felix (and his life)
mmm, ricotta. kinda looks a little like that cheese they clean
off of a baby after its been born. yummy.
-Bean
The prickle smell of being boom?
-Garth
sweet orange prickle pungent boom. the five elements. abducted
is orange, and occasionally boom. sweet prickle and pungent
aren't generally reproduced by computer machines.
-Mark Doner
Dominoes pizza comercial... A guy takes off in a truck trailing
an electric cable behind him. The cable breaks open a fire
hydrant, knocks over a porta-john and then pins an old man to a
tree. When the cable runs out it jerks the truck in two. I was
just wondering why they didn't show the old man getting sliced
in half by the cable.
-Garth
You're sitting around doing searches for "alloni" at work,
searches whose results you bother to post to the list? Sounds
like Alloni is a God to YOU.
-Nathan Winant (and? i _am_ the cosavior)
Windows 98. The choice of cripples, discerning professionals,
and avid amateurs alike.
-Derek
Now you get the idea. Wake up to Microsoft - it's the
refreshing corporate face of the new millenia. Microsoft just
wants to make your life easier and simpler, who needs the
complexity of personal thoughts or opinions? After all, life is
like a box of onions ...
-Derek
Interesting. Is it possible that someone before me used
the-man.org for EVIL?
-Nathan Winant (no. not someone before you.)
You could be a smuggler. How many condoms full of heroin can you
swallow? Do you have any objection to rectally-inserted
diamonds? Any problem with hiding rare tropical birds in your
tires? Does the thought of introducing advanced weapons into
socially and/or politically volatile foreign nations bother you
in the slightest?
-Chris Wayne
Is that fire in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?
-Chris Wayne
Much like the sacred elephant burial grounds, the sacred mink
brothels are shrouded in secrecy.
-Nathan Winant
Damn. I gave him weapons to use against me, and what does he
do? He goes and uses them against me.
-Alloni Kramer
I am now officially placing ALL the blame for ALL spam upon the
Germans. They must immediately disarm their SMTP accounts, and
pay reparations to the rest of Europe.
-Nathan Winant
What happened to the good old days when there was actually some
intelligent discussion on this list. Now most of the posts
revolve around strange psychoactive substances, bizarre sexual
behaviors, and graphic violence. Keep up the good work, guys!
-Eyedunno
Do not taunt ultimate weapon.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I theorize NOTHING!!! I am The Alpha and The Omega. You shall
have none other before Me. Taste My doggy style!
-Nathan Winant (giving in to his megalomania)
We all need tying down. That's why we're on this mailing list.
-Alloni Kramer
Felix steps up to the podium, coughs nervously, and burps. He
then steps down, walks to the microphone, and says "I contend
that German beer and shooting festivals are necessary for the
balance and wellbeing of a healthy society."
-Felix
How often do you city folk find your drunken friends passed out
at the top of a tree?
-Garth
Someone kill Nathan for me please. Just until he gets over this
Elvis thing and stops trying to convert me.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I mean, really. Elvis. How very silly. I suppose he was a decent
singer and all, but he just had too much braggadocio for MY
taste. And all that hip-swing, pelvis-thrusting rockabilly
positively makes my head spin. Elvis? I never touch the stuff,
thank you very much.
-Nathan Winant (sure)
New! Screaming Jesus doll! Bleeds real sacramental
non-alcoholic beverage from hands and forehead!
-Alloni Kramer
... You know what? Rereading this, I couldn't help but come to
the conclusion that I'd make a really great bitchy gay guy.
Maybe I ought to get involved in community theater or something.
-Nathan Winant
Why did you make a leap into intestinal flu anyway? Nobody
metioned intestinal flu.
-Derek
Hey, who's up for helping myself and my small band of deranged
racist zealots when we blow up the IRS building in Cincinnati
next weekend? Don't worry; we'll do it after hours. Not like
that McVey guy.
-Eyedunno
I have to disagree on the basis that the attack was not personal
enough, and thus, not very catty. To be an effective bitchy gay
male you must interject with things like, "And what were you
thinking choosing that background? Bubbles went out with New
Years Eve!"
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
That's the spirit. Self-delusion is the key to true happiness.
-Chris Wayne
As soon as i read daytime and tv in the same sentence, one thing
poped into my mind. Judge Judy. Argh. She's like everyones's
mom, with a black robe and a gable. Well for me it's just the
robe. Mom had a gable in her purse. Don't know why, though.
-Kevin (of green gables)
If not, rest assured we will have a moment of silence for you.
Which, for many of us, is an impressive achievement.
-Alloni Kramer
See? It's all good. Chinese food has dark, arcane mystical
properties with the power to heal or to destroy, according to
the dish, dosage, and usage. MSG was originally put into chinese
food by the aryan Brotherhood Of Thule to negate these
properties, and thus weaken the potential powerbase of the
easterners. Which means -- you guessed it! -- that The Order Of
The Jade Lotus is one of the driving forces behind the whole
american health craze. It should be noted that the Brotherhood
of Thule -- or Thule Brudenschaft, in German -- was the major
power behind the nazi party. All of which means that when you
eat smart, you strike a blow against the Hun. Isn't culinary
history just funny like that?
-Nathan Winant
I'm not touching that with somebody else's ten foot dick.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
The Internet has failed me.
-Eyedunno
Don't lose faith my friend. Go look at porno until you can find
meaningful things on the net again.
-Jason (porno isn't meaningful?)
I think that alien sightings, visitations, and abductions can be
rationally explained as the activities of an intergalactic
nature show. Somewhere, we are the subject of a weekly Discovery
Channel program.
-Chris Wayne
"Garth's Humans". I like that. It conjures up an imagine of a
telephon with hunched, emaciated, dwarfish little people
drooling and skittering around like monkeys while Garth stands
unshaven, shaggy-haired, in a rumpled tuxedo pleading, "PLEASE
won't y'all help these humans. Only Y'ALL can make a difference,
by sending me money to buy pot so *I* can make a difference.
Huh? Oh yeah, miss, I'll have another brownie. Uh huh.
Huhuhuhuhuhh..." Sign me up to man a telephone. Call me a naive
idealist, but I want to be part of this.
-Nathan Winant
Oh, an hoop. Pardon me while I play the grand piano. You all
think that I'm just a guy with a drawl that spends all his time
smoking pot. That couldn't be further from the truth. Well, it
could be a little further. Not right up against it at least. I
mean... Oh fuckit, could one of y'all pass me a jay?
-Garth
I think my subconscious is trying to tell me that I should
become a geneticist and then quit before I create monsters. I
love my subconscious. It laughs at logic.
-Alloni Kramer
No one is afraid of flying death shrimp. A pity, really. I
think you should all start being afraid of flying death shrimp,
just to keep in practice for the day my subconscious finally
pushes me into genetic research.
-Alloni Kramer
I know. I too watch Animal Planet, Home of Insane Austrailian
Nature Hunter. "Now, this is the third deadliest snake in the
world. If you ever run across one of these you definitely do not
want to poke it in the head with a stick, like this. See? Look.
That gets it really mad. Did you see him come at me? He's being
nasty today."
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Vegemite cannot be explained within the current realm of human
knowledge. All I know is that the little grey elves always start
laughing hysterically whenever someone mentions the stuff.
-Chris Wayne (vegemite. the eternal thread.)
Work was wholly unremarkable except for the fact that I met a
legally-blind guy who'd been adopted by the Lakota (Sioux)
indians.
-Nathan Winant
We inject it into the turkey first. Deep fried syringe just
doesn't feed a family of four no matter how much butter you put
in it.
-Garth
I've always wondered why Flipper was so happy in those shows.
He's getting some.
-Kevin
In lieu of recent developments, i have revised my previous
statement. Humans, dolphins, Jennifer's horny dog, and monkeys
that look like 'Grandpa' Al Lewis are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
-Kevin
No, believe me, no one here minds. My apartment is a haven for
spiders. I like nothing more than to hear proof that somewhere
in my apartment a vicious gang of arachnids are grouping
together to plot my destruction, only to be thwarted by the fang
issue. I'll wake up and find a bunch of 'em trying to nibble on
my arm, and I'll laugh. Until they bring in Bubba. Bubba, the
biggest, meanest daddy long legs of them all. And then I will
quail in fear before the awesome might of Bubba. And drop a
book on him. The gang will flee in helpless terror, and I shall
laugh, secure in my mammality. Until they bring in Achmed.
Then I'm screwed. But at least I'll never know it. Of course, my
death will be followed by Achmed unleashing a vicious Jihad in
my name, so at least my memory will live for something.
-Alloni Kramer
I WANT A SHAKE, DAMMIT. I'll have to go to Denny's by myself and
get one. Feh, feh, feh, feh, and FEH! However. I am STILL in a
good mood. Dammitalltohell! I will stay this way! Or sleep!
-greyrose
Actually, no. In fact, the p2-333 is one of the worst offenders.
On New Years, it will sprout tendrils and eat your brain. If you
don't believe me, try this on for size: 2x333 = 666. I can fix
it, but you have to give me all your money first. You don't want
your computer to eat your brain, now do you?
-Mark Doner
AAAAAAAAA! I'm doomed! My horoscope said so.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
I hope Elizabeth Dole runs. If anyone could be elected the first
female president, it would be her. Not that I particularly care
about politics, the role of women therein, or anything else, for
that matter. I would just really enjoy having a president
married to the spokesperson for Viagra. Besides, the country
obviously benefits from having a president who we all know is
getting some.
-Chris Wayne
Clearly, I am not yet forgiven for my family's involvement in a
certain "police action". Jesus. So my ancestors helped rip their
country to shreds, decimating both their natural environment and
their civilian populations. That's no reason to fuck up my
dinner order.
-Nathan Winant
That's part of what I did today. Went over to friend's house.
Curled up in semi-fetal position. Chanted "spleen" over and
over again for around 1/2 hour. They were impressed to begin
with, got steadily less so, and eventually threw a pillow over
my head to muffle me, and continued with what they were doing.
It has a curiously restful quality to it. Especially if you
stretch it out. "Spleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen." Over
and over again.
-Alloni Kramer
Let me level with you here: grey sells papers. Your meanderings
are amusing. My rants bring a chuckle and a grin. jm's drug and
conspiracy theory crosspostings are informative. ghx's one-line
responses are succinct. garth's posts have an interesting
sig-like thing and amusing "drug humor" -- entirely fictitious,
I'm sure. And on and on and on. But what keeps people coming
back to the list? Nope, not pickles. That's right: it's grey.
-Nathan Winant
grey is staying in
and she thinks it's a sin
that she has to leave
the house at all
-greyrose
I wonder if anyone is even reading this thread anymore.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (ha HA!)
hmm. A rational argument. Really, Jen, I expected better of you.
-Chris Wayne
So that one day, if necessary, you can challenge a Sicilian to a
battle of wits, to the death, using fecal matter in wine
goblets?
-Chris Wayne
From experience: the best vector for introducing a new bacterial
culture into one's own body is by introducing the bacteria to
the inside of a cold, stale chicken burrito.
-Jonathan Mayer
Church of Satan's Annual Bake Sale? A waste of time! Bah! I sell
my brownies at the bake sale of *Satan Himself*! Puny Church of
Satan idiots. BAH! Bah, I say!
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (saying bah once more)
Looking at a Church ... I'll bet you were looking at the church
with lust in your heart, no less. You filth. I pay good tax
dollars, and we have swine like ghx and nathan running amuck on
the streets of this our great nation! Lord, bring us back to
the 50s, when everybody in America was properly subservient to
us, the male white corporate oppressors! Huzzah!
-Jonathan Mayer
If I remember my high school chemistry correctly (observant
readers will remember I got a D in it and made my father cry; it
was very sad) acids and bases mix to form salts and some other
stuff. So why don't babies taste salty??
-Chris Wayne
They are not funny. I had one in my finger. I couldn't open
doors with that hand. It hurt to write. I had to have it removed.
My boyfriend at the time insisted that it was a portable ovarian
cyst. But it was really a confused hemmorhoid.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
We also do talk a lot about doing strange things to churches on
this mailing list, too. Thank god the FBI is now monitoring
this list for indications of deviant behavior or escalating
fetishism or whatnot. Phew!
-Jonathan Mayer
Doesn't every topic eventually tend toward vaginal secretions? If
not, they should.
-Chris Wayne
Sure Jen. You were just having an "allergy attack" brought on by
little tiny invisible things floating around in the air. RIGHT.
Let's hear some more of your pseudo-science, Jen. But I believe
you. Clearly, you weren't just crying out of sheer joy at being
around me. I hear ya. *wink!*
-Nathan Winant
Nathan, you're too modest. I'm sure that most people actually
violently convulse and froth at the mouth with joy.
-Chris Wayne
My so has lately been using oral sex as a guilt trip. "Aww,
poor jm can't swallow his pills --- what do you think oral sex
feels like?" Jeepers!
-Jonathan Mayer
Actually, the best sex-related word in the world is "Rodgering."
Just by thinking about the word "Rodgering" my sexual
proficiency coefficient expands by a factor of 10.
-Jonathan Mayer
I'd imagine it's sex with/about/near some bloak named Rodger.
Damn, i never get any breaks. Kevining just doesnt have that
ring to it.
-Kevin
Yeast, perhaps, is the finally stage in the evolution of
alcoholic sand worms. drink up.
-Jonathan Mayer (he's back, and on a roll)
After I cook the vegetables, what should I do with the
wheelchairs?
-Fade
And so, just as the great Circle Of Life passes through birth,
then death, and then ultimately rebirth, so the conversation
returns to monkeys.
-Nathan Winant
Everyone has proof of my existence. Deep down, every man women
and child share a common ancestral memory. Of me. And it's not
by coincidence that it's quite thoroughly blocked out. Just you
wait, funny man. Just you wait.
-Nathan Winant
Reel me in, I've heard enough! While the list is obviously
biased toward eukaryotic cells, especially the drunken fungal
yeast, Saccromyces cerevisiae (perpetuater of Western
civilization), I would like to pledge my allegiance to my
friends, the prokaryotes.
-Baabaa
You are Sri Lankan? You are called Garth because your real name
is a funny one like "Muralia Muralitheran" or "Arhjuna
Rauntaunga"?
-Felix
It's always the urethra. Our only weakness.
-Chris Wayne
This chimpanzee's rectum was extraordinarily distended.
Additionally, her sphincter muscles didn't seem to be functioning
properly, making her anus appear to be a great dark cave leading
directly to her simian soul.
-Jonathan Mayer
A free fisting and scat show?? In most cities, you'd pay a
fortune to see that. Truly, LA is a land of wonders.
-Chris Wayne
Lately, it seems like this IS an alt.sex newsgroup.
-Chris Wayne (and it's all your fault)
I am a product of modern society. Nothing can help me regain my
manhood.
-Jonathan Mayer
who ever said the son of god had to appear in human form? Jesus
is a single-cell organism, happily transmuting sugar into
alcohol, trying to ease our daily burden in this, the realm of
the senses.
-Jonathan Mayer
So yeast infections are sort of like Holy Communion, taking the
Body of Christ into yourself? Through the urethra?
-Chris Wayne
I feel no need to get semen in my lungs, thank you.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
You think I'm weird? Try giving me valium and taking me in
public. THAT's weird.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
Unless you're psychic, you shouldn't be able to place it. This
quote is a Chris Wayne Original TM (collect 'em all!!).
-Chris Wayne (the wonders of selfreferential awareness)
Nope. I speak for all of humanity. I am the new paradigm of
human-hood. Muahaha.
-Eyedunno
She's right. It has been scientifically proven that pixies and
wood sprites are the major cause of most "allergy attacks".
-Chris Wayne
I have millions of tiny mouths yet I can not scream.
-Jonathan Mayer
No sir, this was the genuine article, the real McCoy, the cat's
pajamas, and the bee's knees. Austin wanted me; needed me. I
gazed into her longing eyes, threw her a wink and a smile, and
whispered, "I can't promise anything, baby. But I think I'll
give us another shot."
-Nathan Winant
I like technology with an attitude.
-Garth
Maybe you're psychic. Do you charge $4.99 a minute?
-Chris Wayne
I do have the sex drive of an average teenage boy. And I like it.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (we love you, Jen)
Heavy petting zoo?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
... An EVIL heavy petting zoo?
-Nathan Winant
Nobody ever said I'm perfect. Except that cult in 14th century
Portugal. Too bad the Inquisition wiped them out.
-Chris Wayne
Just call me stumpy.
-Garth
But to sum up, getting layed off is like getting told, "We could
still be freinds".
-Garth
That's okay. What was it ghx wanted me to call him? Ah yes.
"Smitty the one-eyed pirate", wasn't it?
-Nathan Winant
I'll give Russians one thing, they've got great TV. There's no
limits on what they'll put on. The top rated show is a game
show of sorts where i guy has to steal a car and stay away from
the cops for 30 mins. If he wins & thwarts the Moscow police
for half an hour, he keeps the car. real cops, real slim jim.
Another one is where this guy has to convince this girl to take
off all her clothes. That's a lost art if you ask me. We need
more shows like that.
-Kevin
I'm not ignorant! I just don't know enough about the sport to
make an intelligent decision.
-Jason
I may well have implied such a thing, but I didn't say such a
thing. Anyway, don't blame me, blame the gnomes.
-Felix
You know, I always wondered about Gargamel. I mean, what kind of
evil sorcerer was he? Every damn magic recipe calls for Smurfs,
so he always comes up with some elaborate scheme to catch some,
puts them in a flimsy little wooden cage, and then they escape.
He manages to catch some almost every time, so why just stick
them in a cage? Why not pickle a few, grind a few into powder,
and just generally drain every drop of blue blood out of them,
then put that in little bottles on a shelf for the next time he
needs some? If you need eye of newt, for instance, you don't go
out and catch a newt every single time; you just keep it in
stock. And, nobody is coming to rescue a jar of Smurf hearts.
-Chris Wayne
Regardless, thanks for the opportunity to count my enemies. I
must do it more often.
-Nathan Winant
I Can't Believe It's Not Garth.
-Chris Wayne
My username? robot. Oh, wait. I renamed it a while back.
Just take out the 'b'. Disable my account immediately. I'm a
menace to the system.
-Kevin
Austin, that syphilitic crackwhore of a fine young mistress,
continues to toy with me mercilessly.
-Nathan Winant
Hmmm... You, ghost and a dog in the wilderness. That's a porn
movie if i ever heard one. "Oh Nathan, look... my flannel has
somehow become unbuttoned..." (The dog doesn't come in until
the end.)
-Jason
I just noticed I currently have 2666 messages in my abducted
folder. You know what that means... y2k + 666 + abductificated ==
ARMAGEDDON!!!!! ... Of course, this message will offset all that.
This message will knock it up to 2667, single-handedly saving
mankind. THIS MESSAGE IS THE MESSIAH!!!!
-Nathan Winant (doing his part)
Actually, I just sneeze alot. Each sneeze condenses in midair,
becoming a tiny world unto itself, and is mysteriously sent to
abducted as a mail item. With garth, of course, it's violent
masturbation. But I don't suppose that little fact is exactly an
"Elysian Mystery"...
-Nathan Winant
Hmmm... There's something in Canada they don't want me to get.
Could it be... Canadian bacon? Degrassi Jr. High? That One Guy
From _News Radio_?
-Nathan Winant
Of course I am. Me and Janeane Garaffalo. This week I have been
accused of being Janeane Garaffalo. By people who have known me
since middle school.
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin
If I spontaneously disappear for a week or two, fear not: the
gnomes have gotten me, and I will be returned shortly, none the
worse for wear. If I do not spontaneously disappear for a week or
two, please forget this message and its contents in their
entirety. Thank you.
-Nathan Winant
Who's got time for that crap nowadays anyway? Just give me my
medication.
-Jonathan Mayer
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind finding True Love, if such a
beast truly exists. I wouldn't mind winning $18 million in the
lottery. Note that I'm not counting on or actively seeking out
either of these.
-Nathan Winant (still not being bitter)
Why is it that I am the only person on this list who doesn't
have a soapoperalife?
-Alloni Kramer
Actually I was accused of being Janeane Garaffalo because I was
talking to Ann ("she who falls asleep at bondage parties") about
the fact that if the SSPO and I don't have sex soon, I'm
breaking up with him. I'm not unreasonable. It's been two and a
half weeks with neither of us being sick for more than two days
total. How does he expect me to have a purely sexual
realtionship with him if we're not having sex?
-Jennifer Lynn Larkin (making a good point)
Not unless I was fired for having sex with the bosses wife in
the hospital while he was presumed dead but returned with
amnesia just in time to have his face changed to escape the
police who want him because he has nice buns. Since that is not
the case, my life is barely a comercial.
-Garth
oh my l0rd. i'm still subbed. and nobody's posting. and it's a
friday nite. ... oh, fuck. the rest of the list has spontaneously
gotten a life.
-Nathan Winant
My god. I do have a life. I thought it would be more noticable.
I guess it snuck up on me.
-Alloni Kramer
I wonder if I'll be graverobbing in a year or two? It is the
logical progression of my degenerate lifestyle...
-Nathan Winant
About a half-hour NE of here, there's like a blind spot for
radio signals. Turn right off the highway, no problem. Turn
left, and the the stations just sort of disappear. I think the
Amish have set up jamming equipment so no one finds out about
their research into recovered alien technology, which they
smuggle across county lines wrapped in decorative handmade
quilts. Amish == Men in Black.
-Chris Wayne
Random meaningless sex. A rapturous ecstasy which ends abruptly
with the slamming of a door, on the other of side of which is a
person you'll never see again. Orgasm after orgasm after orgasm
after orgasm, with no one to ever ask you how your day was. No
one who cares what your favorite color is. Fun with futility.
-Chris Wayne
In just a few million short years, all that garbage will turn
into oil. Short humanoids with huge heads and large black eyes
rule the earth. They find our fossilized bones and wonder how
such a large, prolific animal could die out almost overnight.
They never suspect our advanced civilization and technology, all
of which were destroyed over the intervening millennia. In fact,
they wonder how a creature with such a small brain could survive
so well for such a long time. Their children are fascinated by
us and visit our petrified remains in the museum of the future.
Even the smallest child can rattle off the complicated names
which the scientists have assigned to each kind of human. One
day a large crater is discovered, and these same scientists
extrapolate that a large comet struck our planet, causing
climate changes which we, with our tiny brains, could not
survive, never suspecting what actually happened at a place once
known as Jerusalem. At some point, an immersive virtual reality
simulation, based on what would happen if we could be
resurrected by science, becomes the most popular entertainment
of its kind in recorded history.
-Chris Wayne
There you have it: incontrivertible evidence that reward is
inversely proportionate to effort expended. Slack off. Get
rich.
-Jonathan Mayer
Maybe I need to run around at night in a mask and leotards and
let my inner demons out. yeah.
-Jonathan Mayer
Official Abducted 3-Stage Plan: (Felix)
Stage 1 Stealing Underpants
Stage 2 Banning Nathan from going to Canada
Stage 3 Profit.
Official Abducted Police Conversation of the Month: (Nathan
Winant)
"DAMN IT, Frank. I had a perfectly good chance to be even more
of a simple-minded asshole than I already was, and I just froze
up. I just FROZE UP."
"C'mon, Bob, you've gotta let it go. These things happen. At
least we fucked up their evening. That's what teamwork is about,
man -- sometimes these things happen, and when they do, there
are people there to back you up. In this case, two dozen
people."
"Oh sure, it didn't turn out to be anything big, but it could've
been serious -- I mean, what if they'd been teenagers? If WE
don't harass teenagers, who will?"
"Their parents? Their teachers? Their..."
"Thanks man, but you know what I mean. I just... I just can't
get over the thought that we might've been able to threaten him
with an attempted arson charge or something."
"Let it go, man. Let it go. ... Hey, look -- there's someone
with hair over the 1959-mandated 2 inches in length."
"Well... He IS kind of a darkie. I suppose I COULD harass him
for stealing those sneakers he's wearing..."
"THAT'S the spirit, man! C'mon, now let's just have FUN with
this one."
"Hey... Can I work the siren this time?"
"You sure can, buddy. You sure can."
Official Abducted Convoluted Explanation of the Month: (Chris
Wayne)
In order to do that, we have to go back to the year 1564. In
that year, William Shakespeare produced his play "Romeo and
Juliet", based for the most part on the Greek myth of Pyramus
and Thisbe, as told by the poet Ovid, best known for his
collection of myths entitled _Metamorphosis_, most of which
involve people or things changing into other things, as the
title indicates; it should differentiated from Franz Kafka's
_The Metamorphosis_, a novella about a man who turns into a
giant cockroach, which, oddly enough, has very little to do with
the traditional Mexican folk song "La Cucaracha", in which the
lyrics clearly indicate that the cockroach in question has no
legs, while Kafka's book describes the legs in great detail in
the first few pages. Anyway, we now go forward 432 years (which,
interestingly enough, is equivalent to (2^2)^2*3^3 years) to the
year 1996. In that year, a feature film was produced entitled
"Romeo + Juliet", officially "William Shakespeare's Romeo &
Juliet", a slick modernization of the classic play. What little
critical praise it received was reserved for the young stars who
played its lead characters: Claire Danes, whose name calls to
mind the natives of the Scandinavian nation of Denmark, site of
"Macbeth", another of the best known works of Shakespeare, and
Leonardo DiCaprio, who, despite his work in numerous movies
theretofore, was as yet fairly unknown, until, of course, his
role in "Titanic", which role, no doubt, was due in part to his
success as a romantic male lead in this film. "Titanic" propels
DiCaprio to superstardom and sets him up as a cultural icon, a
reputation which increases tenfold following his death of an
apparent suicide by heroin overdose in April of 1999, an event
about which I have nothing further to say. What was the
question?
Official Abducted Theory of This Month: (Chris Wayne)
Long ago, on this very list, I posited my theory about the Curse
of Superman, that whoever plays Superman will meet terrible
tragedy. George Reeves was murdered, uh, excuse me, "committed
suicide". Christopher Reeve "fell" from horseback and was
paralyzed. I said that as soon as something awful happened to
Dean Cain, my theory would be proven correct. Well, it happened.
I watched a movie last night called "Tracked" with him, Tia
Carrere, and Brian Brown. And I realized the curse has struck
him as well. He is doomed to be in really bad movies for all of
eternity. And not MST3K or Ed Wood bad either. Just really BAD.
Nicholas Cage better watch out.
Official Abducted Spam Of the Month: (Garth)
FUCK THE BOSS AND BREAK THE HEAD BOARD! WE DID!
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e mail your children
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Official Abducted Traffic Safety Advice of the Month: (also Garth)
The theory behind speed bumps is that everyone will slow down to
prevent damage to their car. The truth of it is that they slow
down only long enough to go over them then speed to the next
one. They should either get rid of them all together or make a
few changes...
1. Speed bumps are usually brightly colored so that they are
easy to spot. If they were camouflaged instead so you wouldn't
know where they were you'd go slow constantly. They could just
have a sign saying that there were in fact speed bumps in the
area.
2. Make them portable so that after people got used to them in
one position, they could be moved to another.
3. Make them explode if they are hit above a certain speed.
Not that I'm in favor of speed bumps or anything. I'm just
saying.
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