. . .



A single drug that eliminates pain, stress, and sadness? If one exists, it would
have to be prohibitively regulated. Only the rich and powerful can ever
know that
life doesn't have to be miserable.
  -Chris Wayne

I'd rather thigs that alter the hormonal system of the bloody chemistry.
  -Rafael Lemke

Our country is made strong by the many privileges our citizens enjoy, and your
friends at the NSA realize no privilege is more important than the 'freedom of
speech'. In fact, we would sooner blahblahblahblahblah [FRANK: put standard 'we
love free speech/thought' boilerplate here.]
  -John Smith (Head Komptroller/Dark Overlord) AKA Nathan Winant

My brother and I are still trying to figure out the control codes to the
Interactive Barney so we can make him kill.
  -Jonathan Mayer  (serving Us well)

Oh, for the love of christ. The ONE TIME I'm in a bitter, cynical, vengeful
mood,
and everyone starts talkin' about me like I'm bean or somethin'.
  -Nathan Winant

I wonder if they'd let her smoke it during labor?  Natural childbirth? Doctor,
this is all natural.
  -Garth

just cuz yer mean doesn't mean i don't love you like a sex slave.
  -ghostxxx

Everything in moderation except moderation and drugs. And women.
  -Paul Dito

I see a fad in the making here ...like tamagotchi, but if you push the right
buttons you get laid.  All I know is that I want one.
  -Jonathan Mayer

is anyone awake over there in the land of rape and honey?
  -Felix

I find it interesting that all three books in th Illuminatus Trilogy are listed
as "missing" in my school library's online catalog...
  -Trevor  (sensing the Truth)

There was this weird muttering guy with unfortunate gaps in his teeth behind me
in line at the Gary Webb booksigning.  It wasn't until after I left the
bookstore
that I realized:  Mein Gott!  LON!
  -Jonathan Mayer

My thought process -- a calmy rational, perfectly natural thought process
-- goes
something like this:  "Huh. An enormous, glowing, spectral figure hanging
distantly against a dark, unyielding sky.  That must be the moon, shining
through
the cloud cover.  But while a perfectly natural phenomenon, its appearance is
unusual enough that it is clearly an omen.  Of my death."
  -Nathan Winant  (letting us glimpse his tortured soul)

On the internet, nobody can tell you're a deranged, 6'4", 275 lb. bruiser.
Except maybe the deranged part.
  -Mark Doner

Dude, we sell more watermelons than any other dojo in NoCal, so get off my back!
  -Paul Dito

Yes.  I think some retaliation is definitely called for.  Of course, I'm not
exactly sure what we're retaliating for, but it sure SOUNDS like it deserves
retaliating!  Besides, it's IBM.  Bah!  Bah, I say, Bah!
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

I read this as "useful snatch" and proceeded to try to understand.
  -grey

Never forget the gnomes.
  -Felix

In high Yiddish he pronounced "Fly your ointment elsewhere vagrant", and then
turned the end of all the hairs on the drunk's body into little houseflies with
razor sharp teeth.  The flies ate the rest of the hairs, and then dived into the
body of the drunk, and devoured him on the spot.  I chastised Duma, but he
shrugged it off.
  -Felix

The fact that I own a black trenchcoat means nothing.
  -Alloni Kramer

When I started in radio I and I got my first check, it was for $42.23.  I
figured
it was a sign.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

I see your nun, and I raise you a bishop.
  -Chris Wayne

I would do a lot for another one of those smiles.  I would do almost
anything.  I
would kill a puppy.  And I like puppies.
 -Alloni Kramer

sorry.  I was off in the desert E'ed off my butt getting a hand massage from a
beautiful stranger.  I won't do it again.
  -Jonathan Mayer  (showing that his priorities are right)

Is it like a gruesome bloody rotting horses head or is it like a plastic
facsimile?
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin's friend

"excuse me do you have the time?"  "sure" zzziiiippp.
  -Garth

... wait... wait... *snif!*... got to... got to find my center... *snif!* ...
she's... she's just angry because of what happened between us in ancient
Greece... Find my center... Don't be dark........
  -Nathan Winant

I just want everyone to know that I love *my* pole.
  -Paul Dito  (funny in AND out of context)

Would it be allright if I started refering to you as soul-brother.
  -Garth

Recent Hollywood rumours suggest that Softcock Leonardo DiCaprio would play the
role of Alloni.  The pole would be played by the quarterstaff from "Robin Hood -
Prince of thieves".
  -Felix

"Hail, Hail, Hail, Garth, you who brings the light into the darkness, you who
causes the very stones to shatter with mirth, you who are the beginning and the
end, Hail, Hail, Hail."
  -Alloni Kramer

I think you've got it all wrong.  I think he said "Violence is the tool of the
week."  That would explain the subsequent attack.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

Jaegermeister. It means: "To Lose Feeling in Ones Arms" in German.
  -ghostxxx

Garth must be mighty indeed if he can withstand all of Abducted falling on his
knees.
  -Chris Wayne

I beg to differ.  I have a cardboard sign and everything, 'Will Differ for
Food'.
  -Peter Twigg

My penis is not detachable.  I just wanted to make that absolutely clear.

Your penis is clear?

No. Its detachable. He wants to make it clear.

  -Jonathan Mayer 'n Garth 'n ghostxxx

"Ah, yes". "MSNBC" and "your local news affiliate": "Working together"
"for" "an"
"informed" "populace".
  -Nathan Winant

the forces of the internet are aligned against me.  or for me.  same thing.  go
figure.
  -Jonathan Mayer

why I keep coming back to this list again and again: psychosis.
  -Jonathan Mayer

Hey, I don't mind.  This list is like a family to me: me diseases su diseases.
  -Jonathan Mayer (three in a row - can we go for 4?)

The lead singer is too goth to move.  I think he has to hold on to the mic stand
like that because he's too goth to support his own weight.
  -JLL's friend Hans

If everything we said and did made sense, we'd no better than the Canadians.
  -Chris Wayne

Uh, instead of joining, could I ask that you just punch me when I ask for your
autograph? And could you wear your chainmail bra when you do that? And while you
are doing it, could you scream in my face, "BAD LITTLE BOYS DON'T GET ANY
CAKE!!!
THEY HAVE TO STAY LOCKED IN THE CLOSET ALL NIGHT LONG!!!" I'd really appreciate
it.
  -John Herbert

What's the point of having native peoples if imperialistic colonial invaders
can't butcher and enslave them?
  -Chris Wayne

sometimes ....  I feel like I'm being watched.  It's kinda nice, actually.
  -Jonathan Mayer

Thanks for telling us in advance, my warm-buttered-love-muffin!
  -Bean

No, I'm afraid you can't.  Because this time - I'm holding your unborn children
hostage.
  -Alloni Kramer

A friend of mine just told me that my life is run by three hamsters with a
highlighter.
  -Mary Hodges

Count me out on writing conspiracy theories.  There is no conspiracy.  There are
only gnomes, knights, druids and suits.
  -Felix

OK, so who gets to be the psycho girlfriend who totally screws up everything and
turns us all against each other until the band breaks up and its members are
stalked and killed by lunatic fans? Obviously no one on the list is remotely
qualified for THAT position.
  -Chris Wayne

I would like to take this moment to state the obvious and say that women are
easily mankind's most insidious creation to date.
  -Nathan Winant

"yep he was a good guitar-drummer-bassist, the heart of the band, but he was
killed by this mad trucker in a car crash just before we recorded anything. so
sad."
  -Rafael Lemke

All sarcastic nations drive on the left.
  -Felix

You snort porn?
  -Nathan Winant

If no one responds to my messages, I'll shave my legs and become a nun named
Sister Harold the IV of Kansas.
  -Alloni Kramer

God effectively has the perfect pair of Xray glasses.  Maybe that's how he
became
god.  Maybe he sent away for it in the mail.

God's a pimply-faced 14-year old in Gary, Indiana?

Explains a lot, don't it?

A surprising amount, actually.

  -Alloni 'n Nathan 'n Alloni 'n Nathan

the best thing about sex is the possibility of fulfilling somebody else's secret
fantasy.
  -Jonathan Mayer

Observation: The longer I go without pot, the more skillfull I become at
locating
and retrieving resin.
  -Garth

My shoes still smell like solvent.
  -grey  (talking about srl)

Then I tried to convince him that eating the entire town of Hershey,
Pennsylvania
would turn me into Ernest Borgnine.
  -Jennifer Lynn Larkin

I still don't know who poured bleach in my eye, or how they managed to do it
without my noticing.
  -Felix

Enlightenment through apathy.  I'm so zen.
  -Nathan Winant