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Abducted
Bestest Friends Network
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[T-NotPotO-ERO$-I]
[ The-NewsletterofthePostingoftheOfficial-EmployeeRosterof$ubvert-Inc. ]
[v1.0a] [97.01.05]
,oI!X0@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@####***==++-++==***####@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@0X!Io,
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(This publication called "[T-NotPotO-ERO$-I]" is reffered to as "[]")
New Dribble:
Greetings all. I was going to try to have this out on the first, but i woke
up yesterday. Good new years party. Anyways, well here it is, v1.0a of [].
And what, you may ask, is the difference between this version and all the
rest? Nothing! It's just a new year. So don't get too excited. Okay? Thanks.
Standard Dribble:
If you would like a title in $ubvert Inc., just declare your title on abducted
and i will record it for the next version of the roster (if you don't see your
title on the next version of the list, mail me until it's on). If anyone would
like to see the roster at any time, for any reason, or need your title edited,
just post a request or mail me. That's all for now...
-Your "Editor" and Way-Cool Hyper-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Being,
[Jester] <ub168@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>
,oI!X0@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@####***==++-++==***####@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@0X!Io,
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Here are some "memorable" quotes from posts on Abducted! in the past month:
Giles baby, I'm thinking of swinging the other way, just for you.
-Dylan
I nearly whipped my dick out and started, erm, worshipping it energetically
right there and then.
-Gibo
I still wanna know what a snatch ratchet is, though. where can i get one?
-grEy
Then again, maybe I'll just stick with my hand...
-FunkyJ
I live for nostalgia. In fact, I never enjoy an experience in the present
unless I know beforehand that I'll feel nostalgic about it later.
-Lon
Screw fearing it, USE it. Or destroy it. But don't settle for fearing it.
-Derek Robb
That was then, this is now, and now is a hell of a lot more interesting
than then. And yes, the eighties sucked.
-Felix
All Chihuahuas are Greys.
-Lon
If Chihuahua's are Greys, then you can't get a daschund. You just can't.
-Felix
No, really, I DON'T have a "thing" for Antonio Banderas. I do, however, have
a totally embarassing and inexplicable "thing" for Jeremy Irons.
-Lon
The idea of Jeff Goldblum and Jeremy Irons doing it makes me slightly
nauseous. Go figure.
-Lon
And my budgies aren't sex toys.
-Gibo
Who gives a shit if the fucking WORLD blows up 1/1/00?
-LON
I don't care if the worlds gonna go on 1/1/00 either, as long as I get
laid before then.
-FunkyJ
I think about Courtney Love when I urinate. It's a very special time, for
a very special rock star.
-Lon
In fact, last night a pink beam of pure information was shot into my skull,
and I was told that my budgie had a stomach ache.
-R&J Gassaway
In fact, you gave me a warm fuzzy.
-Cynsa
The best thing to do at this point is to switch from cotton swabs to
toothpicks.
-Chris Davy
You know, somewhere out there is a universe in which Jenny McCarthy reads
this list, flies to Australia, and solves your problem, thus makes you happy
enough to ignore the signs of coming apocalypse, to the point where YOUR
choice, on May 13th, 1999, to sit back and enjoy a blow job instead of
saving the world RUINS IT FOR EVERYBODY, and we all die screaming because
of it. Let's hope it's not this one.
-Gibo
Do they have majordomo in Hell? We're going to need it.
-Lon
If I save the world, would everybody promise to give me head?
-Ian Kramar
My computers called "Fuck off, you slow piece of crap".
-FunkyJ
It's kinda cool... to actually look like a woman...
-Sarah Irani
Tests have proven that your e-mail is actually more entertaining when it
doesn't make sense.
-Gibo
My name is PAUL. That's a long way from FUCKING ASSHOLE.
-Paul
It's not sexy to stumble into things, or not be able to recognize cleavage
at over 50 yards. And that's important to me.
-Groovy Dave
100-plus-channel DBS dishes Radio Shack is selling? It's like asking The
Bigheads' fucking esper drones right into your living room!
-Lon
Man, I don';t ythink I shouldhaver drunk so much!
-FunkyJ
My hormones are greedy little bastards. Usually I just have to ignore them
until they settle down and make a reasonable request. If I paid attention
to everything they said I'd never get anything done. I'd also probably be
in jail.
-Gibo
Human sexuality? Not inherently complex? Can I live in your world?
-Christopher Wayne
Guys are the jackhammers of society, while women are umn. anything slinky,
furry, or otherwise sexy.
-grEy
I've raised all my ties, and they are trained only to follow my commands.
-Animal Mother
My best friend is a transvestite.
-Gibo
I wish i had a best friend.
-grEy
I can't tell you how much it adds to my enjoyment of a spread beaver shot
to know that it wasn't taken by some greasy little speedfreak hustler with
a background of petty larceny and mail fraud.
-Lon
If I could only convert my vomit to ascii.
-Ian Kramar
It's hard to imagine the twists, turns and slippery slops of your psyche.
-VT
You've either got a small wrist or a big cock-ring.
-Jack Nutting
Look at the shot where she's kneeling, naked, facing the camera, with two
cold sausages dangling from her body.
-Gibo
And here I was thinking that they were a big metaphorical penis.
-Felix
My mommy told me not to, and that is NOT a puppet.
-grEy
You'll be fine, and maybe even horny.
-Rick Acquistapace
On the Internet, nobody knows you're boring.
-Gibo
You haven't even seen my costco undies. They're adorable.
-grEy
I know plenty of people who have all the sex they can eat, and they're still
miserable incompetant baffoons.
-Derek Robb
While I seldom to never have sex, and i've risen through the political ranks
to become the lone monarch over a kingdom of fifty foot tall moon roaches.
-Derek Robb
0.68 seconds. For a Gibo, that is an eternity.
-Gibo
People who do not want full, complete and totally accurate answers should
not ask questions.
-Gibo
It's kind of like the first time you do crack, it's kind of abrasive...
-grEy
And my apathy and love of gadgets far outweighs my paranoia.
-Garth Bryan Marlin
Don't take it to heart, mon ami. Just buy yourself some shirts with mandarin
collars and tell yourself you're moving on.
-Gibo
The 2nd dark age is upon us and Quake and Ice Cream will probably be much
more difficult to get than sex.
-Troy Sheets
Yeah, well, today I came to work as a being of cohesive polychromatic
lightwaves.
-Nathan Winant
Does anybody know a sure-fire recipe for getting women to ignore you? Aside
from getting a CS degree, that is; I can't afford one.
-Gibo
If anyone wants to come, my friends and i are doing a play based on the
movie SHOWGIRLS, but all female parts will be played by drag queens. Some
have real breasts and have agreen to go topless.
-Tensionboy
Wow, that was fun. And what are you wearing?
-MelpomeneX
Please refrain from taunting the Groovy.
-Groovy Dave
But feel free to taunt the Gibo as much as you like.
-Gibo
I drive a sports car and have a teenage girlfriend.
-Paul
Let us now bow our heads and pray in the name of Rsorry sir, did you
request an ass wrecking?
-grEy
I'm 27. I've been married twice. I've had back surgery. I've had 2 kidney
stones. But I'm not going to have a heart attack.
-Rick Acquistapace
It is manditory that any woman i will go to bed with owns her own 3D
glasses.
-?
It's an anime lust thing. You wouldn't understand.
-grEy
See, I TOLD you guys that it was shit. It is probably the only thing
know to
man that leaves a worse taste in your mouth that Vegamite.
-LON
A glass of Marmite topped with shaving cream makes a quite convincing pint
of Guiness, and it has the advantage of tasting better, too.
-Animal Mother
I would imagine that stuff could cure just about any problem related to the
human body. Sort of like the way one nuclear bomb can solve just about any
building maintenance problem you might have.
-Gibo
For all I know, you should be living on fried fish heads and pencil
shavings.
-Lon
The donkey has an regresive vagina, fondled with 22 sticks of butter.
-LON
There were no pigs in Georgia when it was burning.
-LON
Calamari is the BOMB.
-Gibo
I needed to hear BITCHES BREW at high volume a lot more than they needed to
fuck on the carpet.
-Lon
My GF doesn't eat shrimp because it's seems like eating human flesh.
-VT
If your still coming I'll start dinner around 6. Then we can stay up and
watch movies and smoke pot. Its so good to have a buddy.
-Garth
I don't like malls much, they're MUCH to mallish for me.
-LON
Wearing socks in the shower is a strange sensation.
-Alloni Kramer
The more we learn, the less we know and the more paranoid we get.
-Lon
Whoever took my underwear this morning can damn well bring that back, too.
-Gibo
Perhaps you stuck it somewhere, or, it spontaniously generated life and is
crawling around looking for others of it's kind.
-VT
Macs are women because they're beautiful, elegant, and easy to use. PCs are
children because there's no real good reason to have one, but people get them
all the time anyway. Unix boxes are pets, because people who love them can't
shut up about them.
-Gibo
It's all about sock puppets. They're everywhere. They talk to me in my sleep
and I LIKE it.
-Liza
Wow. Delurking AND showing evidence of insanity in only three short
sentences. I love you. When can we meet?
-Lon
Just call me Mr. Albatross Hung Rotting Around Your Neck, Jim for short.
-Dylan
I look like a girl today. fear it.
-grEy
I suppose I can still come in last place at the Details Magazine Beauty
Pageant for the Pretentiously Unenlightened.
-Nathan Winant
Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by that last paragraph. Could you
explain it to me again?
-Lon
The only story I remember involved a convertible, a small dog, and an
elderly man with a big smile on his face. And that's all I'm going to say
about it.
-Lon
I got three fuck-me-now silk shirts there for $10 apiece.
-Gibo
I should be a porno star, I've got the name for it.
-Jack Nutting
Right now I'm in my fucking office (between the Masturbating Office and the
Downloading-Porn-From-The-Net office).
-Animal Mother
Hard to talk about anything else, when your cats got a big boner.
-Tensionboy
I had two dogs when I was twelve, and had sex with neither of them. Now I
own a cat. I love my cat.
-Alloni
I haven't killed anyone since midmorning.
-Gibo
Our cats has a feathered yellow head, green wings and squawks
constantly. Oh
shit, that's the bird.
-R&J Gassaway
To me, "You're a really nice guy," is an insult. For example, was Diabolik
a nice guy? Of course not, he killed people and had sex with his blonde
accomplice. I'm a nice guy. Do I get to kill people and have sex with a
blonde accomplice? No. See?
-Paul
Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball...
-Gibo
My friends has a cat named "Schwa". It was grey, and had big, dark oval eyes
and didn't like pot. It was also 5ft6 tall, and walked around on two legs.
But it liked me though, so I ignored it's obvious retardations.
-FunkyJ
It occurs to me that when you two finally meet, it will most likely be at
my house, indoors, in the proximity of flammable materials, with several
mistracked sliding glass doors between me and the vast, life-saving freedom
of the outdoors.
-Lon
I'm not a complete loon.
-Garth
Has one of your cats told you that the reason you can't have an orgasm is
that he, the cat, is a splinter incarnation of a transexual part of
yourself
that you rejected when you were a gay man in a past life, and that your
boyfriend has to heal his wounded inner child before you and the cat can
have the shared dream in which you take back your psychic power from him and
regain your rightful place as the conduit for the light energy which will
enable you to have The Orgasm that will create the wave of resonant psychic
power that will generate planetary enlightenment overnight?
-Lon
Here's an idea: #abducted. scary, eh?
-Gibo
I still don't understand the frozen spoon thing. Nor the reason why I just
typed "frozen spoom" and found the words strangely attractive.
-KT
I want start training him to move objects with his mind, at the age of
two. Catch arrows that I shoot at him at 3. Then move on to some really
hard stuff.
-Rick Acquistapace
More fonts should have names like Sabbath Black.
-KT
Surely the difference between poodles and jello is that only one of them is
fun to have sex with?
-None More Negative
Man, remind me not to read your posts when I'm stoned.
-FunkyJ
Aquinas wasn't fit to eat Aristotle's shit, let alone elaborate on his
ideas.
-Gibo
Does coming out of the foot-obsessed closet empower you? Does one become
a Pedi Knight as a result?
-Gibo
If a consultant ever comes to your place of work, be sure to engage him
or
her in lots of trivial conversation on the clock. You'll feel better knowing
that you helped a person with a ridiculously easy job earn the bucks for more
laptops, more laserdiscs, more albums of European comic art, more sushi
dinners, more weekends at a B&B with a couple of bisexual hookers, etc.)
-Lon
I'm not a hamster, I'm Giles Bowkett.
-Gibo
I love the sound of abducted on weekends... like the murmuring of wings in
a vaccum, the sound of one hand clapping, a tree falling when no one can hear
it...
-grEy
Well, it's 9:42, about two hours before I normally get up, and I'm leaving
now to go to work on a Sunday, and nobody's even making me. You see, I'm out
of my fucking mind.
-Lon
The stickers look so dope I nearly rolled one up to smoke it.
-Gibo
We're nonconforming nonconformists, living lives which are unconventionally
unconventional. Which means we can do whatever the fuck we want.
-Lon
Send a message containing the text: "unsubscribe abducted X" where X
is a number denoting the length of your penis/depth of your vagina to
fuckme@schwa.org
-Joshua J.B. Smith
I firmly believe in birth control. I think that any intelligent person does.
Unfortunately this means that it is easier for stupid people to reproduce.
-Garth
Never trust a God who tells you how to fuck.
Never fuck a God who tells you who to trust.
Never trust a fuck who tells you who to God.
-Felix 'n Gibo 'n Lon
Now, where's that jar of Honey and bowl of KY-Jelly, I have to get to work
on this bird.
-Dylan
Everything that ends in an ism is a religion (like Buddhism, racism, and
sadomasochism), and everything that doesn't, isn't (like table, Christianity,
and Dan Quayle).
-Alloni Kramer
Send me a blank tape, some shaving cream, a cat, and a microphone.
-Gibo
Looks like I picked a bad time to give up drugs.
-LON
I don't get laid that often, okay?
-grEy
Don't *I* have some fucking rights, too?
-Lon
I'm an overweight 22 year old male from Dublin, living in london who enjoys
sucking shit out of rabbits arses and setting fire to dwarves.
-Dylan
If Abducted disappeared, I'd feel loss.
-Lon
Abducted means nothing to me.
-Gibo
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[97.01.05]
-01-
Self-Appointed Demi-God:
Troy Sheets <tsheets@xanadu.cyborganic.com>
-02-
Grand Incubator (and the guy who hands out the checks):
Giles Bowkett <dashwood@flat-earth.org>
-03-
Guardian of [], and Way-Cool Hyper-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Being:
Jester <ub168@freenet.victoria.bc.ca>
-04-
Spiritual Advisor:
Lon Huber "Swami Propagananda" <buzz@crl.com>
-05-
Head Stud-Bitch in Charge of The Three "B's" (Blasphemy, "BoB" and huB caps):
Jennifer Lynn Larkin <jlarki1@tiger.lsuiss.ocs.lsu.edu>
-06-
Head SpellChecker, Chief Editorial Consultant, Content Maven, and Guru of
Research:
chickadee <Eva_Maddox@odp.tamu.edu>
-07-
Office slut/eccentric female type who doesn't do any actual work, yet serves
a vital function:
melpie <MelpomeneX@aol.com>
-08-
Lightning Invocation and Teamaking:
"The Rev. Daev Hellshaw" <hellshaw@internet-eireann.ie>
-09-
Token slow toxic amphibian:
Craig Lauxman aka The Newt King <hpcprod@lcc1.nsc.com>
-10-
Minister of Propaganda:
Ross <biovid@teleport.com>
-11-
The guy with no point:
Tom Porcella <red5@loop.com>
-12-
Interdepartmental Discombobulator, Assistant to the Assistant of the
Vice-Fifth Wheel:
Schabe Up or Ship Out <schabe@minn.net>
-13-
Vice-president in charge of sitting around the break room drinking coffee
and talking about quiting this lousy outfit sometime soon, real soon, any
day now, just as soon as he pays off his student loan:
Rob Loftis <jbob@merle.acns.nwu.edu>
-14-
Cancer Man-type go between:
Pete Twigg <mtlpct@LUCS-MAC.NOVELL.LEEDS.AC.UK>
-15-
Co-Founder & Co-President of Rocks-In-A-Box Inc. An affiliate of The
Pirate Squid Club, and a co-conspirator with $ubvert Inc.:
Rick Acquistapace <babar@value.net>
-16-
Chief consultant in the use of militant force, training of the feeble minded,
operations of all things in the armory that go BANG or BOOM, and the guy in
charge of bringing the keg:
LAZ Patron Saint of beer under LON <lazarus40k@usa.pipeline.com>
-17-
Demi-goat, Serpent, Snake-god and patron saint of grievous carnality:
asphyxia <moorep@ucsub.colorado.edu>
-18-
The Power Behind the Throne:
Catherine <ckelly@bgnet.bgsu.edu>
-19-
Mr Candyman sir:
Matthew Lane <ndcb4204@brklands.demon.co.uk>
-20-
Intern Herder:
Justin <Justin_Bowers@BAYLOR.EDU>
-21-
-22-
King of the Moon:
Derek Robb <aieeee@tezcat.com>
-23-
The messy-haired guy who is always at the computer in his cubicle making
beatbox noises and nodding to music only he can hear:
Andrew Cone <andrew.cone@infoway.com>
-24-
Vice-President in charge of Network Doom games:
Erik Geiger <GEIGER@persoft.com>
-25-
The guy in charge of dealing with crazy x-philes:
Joseph Mitchel Comeau <ak561@ccn.cs.dal.ca>
-26-
Vice-Presinent in charge of keeping morale intact by beating
anyone in the company which is down in his spirits:
<jcaminit@lynx.dac.neu.edu>
-27-
Diety-level Janitor:
Lon Thomas <thomasl@indirect.com>
-28-
The all important name at the bottom of the list or something:
Justina Curtis <justina@peg.apc.org>
-29-
The guy over there, you know "him":
Erik <erik@tiac.net>
-30-
Mistress Raver, Herder of Cats:
Beth Bieber <ebieber@eden.com>
-31-
Lord of Ellipses, Defender of Semicolons,
Protector of Uncomfortable Silences:
Pope Paisley Lemming, the, KNS, KSC, MULC, R.S.V.P of the Lesser Temple
of the Greater Platypus, Shaken, Not Stirred <paisley@poboxes.com>
-32-
The Lesser Descendant of a Yak Inhaler:
Tymm Twillman <tymm@tiger.coe.missouri.edu>
-33-
That guy over there in the corner talking to "things" and Resident Fruitcake:
Alien aka Rick, "The Reclusive One" <kekedust@ix.netcom.com>
-34-
Chief Doktor of Forbidden Sciences:
Rev. Jack Nutting <jnutting@is.com>
-35-
Sterile Cunt:
Paul <CPCDSC@tevm2.nsc.com>
-36-
Chief Lifeguard, StereoTyping Pool:
"K.T. Wiegman" <kt@webstorm.com>
-37-
Southern Hemisphere Propoganda Director. Most probably a Spy:
Felix <Derek.Bradley@cmc.com.au>
-38-
Yak Herder, and keeper of the Transdimensional Llamas:
Interstellar Groovy Dave <davidcb@kuoi.asui.uidaho.edu>
-39-
Hen teaser and Head of the "Making People
Wonder What I'm Talking About project":
Garth Bryan Marlin <garthm@tgn.net>
-40-
The guy who can't keep feet out of his mouth, but tries to talk anyway:
Glenn <gmorris@bssc.edu.au>
-41-
The guy who presses the button that doesn't actually
do anything, but makes a hell of a racket:
Julian <funkyj@geocities.com>
-42-
He who knows the answers but forgot the questions:
VT <vt1@IntNet.net>
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