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Genesis

And God had coffee for breakfast, and He stretched, and then He wandered into His office in His bathrobe with a fresh cup of coffee in His hand, yawning and scratching His divine crotch. And God did stumble around in there because He could not find the light switch. And in His mighty wrath, God did divide the dark from the light, and He did call the dark night and the light day, and He did yawn again, and put the light somewhere He could use it to see by, and He did look about His office. And He did say to Himself, Actually, I can just put the day and the night there on Earth and claim it was in the design specs. Besides, I've got plenty of time - the whole rest of the week. I can screw around for the rest of today. And so God did create slacking off. And He did talk to His girlfriend on the phone for awhile - she was at a conference for the rest of the week - and He did play video games, and He did eat some leftovers He found in the back of the fridge which didn't look or smell bad, and then He did stumble back to bed, never having changed out of His bathrobe. And there was morning, and there was evening, the first day.

And when God woke again, He did actually take a long, hot shower to make Himself feel completely awake and aware. And then He did put on some clothing, because, hey, He really did need to go shopping later on if He expected to have anything to eat. And then He did putter around for a few hours just doodling and brainstorming. And after many ideas, few of which were any good and even fewer of which were to get into the final version, He did tell Himself that He needed to go back to the drawing board. And so He did create the firmament to be His drawing board. And He did see how the firmament divided the waters from the waters, and He did say to Himself, huh. I kind of like that. I'll keep it for a while, and if it ends up causing trouble later, I can get rid of it before the final version. And He did look at the clock and go, is it dinnertime already? And He did realize that He never did go restock the fridge, and He was hungry, so He did go out for burgers. And He did call it a day, as He was starting to feel kind of queasy for some reason. When did I put that food in the fridge that I ate yesterday, He wondered. But He did go to bed feeling no more than somewhat queasy. And there was morning, and there was evening, the second day.

And God did awaken with a slight fever - 99.9 degrees, just short of enough that He would have felt justified in not getting some work done for the day, so He did stumble into the office, and in a fit of inspiration did divide the land from the sea so that He might have someplace to sit, and then He made grasses to make something comfortable to sit on. And then God did create herbs that He might smoke a bowl and feel a little better. And later on, He did create the fruit trees, and the potatoes, and the onions, and the broccoli, and He did think to Himself that it was never a good idea to create a world on an empty stomach, and so He did get up and wander over to the Chinese place on the corner, and He did eat much Chinese food, for He did have the munchies. And somehow, when next He felt like creating, it was getting late, so He did quickly create the rest of the plants and fall into bed. Then He did stare at the ceiling for a while. Have you ever really looked at the ceiling? I mean, really looked? And after some time He fell asleep. And there was morning, and there was evening, the third day.

And on the fourth day, God did feel better, and did feel playful, so God did divide up the light He had created earlier into many balls which He did kick around the cosmos. And when He did get bored, He did feel virtuous, and so He did go shopping, and He did buy much junk food. And then He did go home, put a tv dinner into the microwave, and He did play more video games. And He did feel horny, and Bethany still hadn't gotten home yet, so He did brose for porn on the internet. And God did masturbate. And then He did get some more sleep. And there was morning, and there was evening, the fourth day.

And then God did awaken, and go, FUCK! It's due tonight! I have got to get to work! And God did create whales, fish, and fowl, and said, hey, you guys go off and create more of yourself, willya? I need the place full up by this evening. And the whales, and the fish, and the fowl, did go off and be fruitful and multiply. But it was not enough, and that evening He did look upon His work and say, hell. I'm going to have to work through the weekend. And so God did call His boss, and His boss did rip Him a new one, and His boss did tell him that the final version had better be in His boss's hands by the time the weekend was over if He wanted to keep His job. And God did kiss ass and say yes, sir, and yes, sir, and certainly, sir. And so God did pay for His procrastination. And so God did work until He was dead on His feet, and the He did stumble off to bed, and there was evening, and there was midnight, the fifth day.

And so God did fortify Himself with much strong coffee the next morning, and He did create beasts, and cattle, and all manner of creeping things, and He did tell them to be fruitful and multiply and do it fast. And then, God, in a burst of inspiration, put a little Him into the earth, and He did call it man. And He told it to go and take care of things, 'cause I'm busy. And man did move over the earth. And God did have a nap because He had to pick up Bethany from the airport at some unGodly hour of the morning, and He did oversleep, and did just arrive at the airport as Bethany was about to enter the cab, and Bethany was pissed. And they did go home and get some sleep in a cold silence. And there was evening, and there was morning, the sixth day.

And on the seventh day, God spent the day apologizing to Bethany, and He did buy her flowers, and He did take her to a fancy restaurant, and He did take her shopping, and Bethany did not tell him until the end of it that she had forgiven him that morning just watching the way He slept. And she did laugh at him, and He did just grin, watching the way she laughed. And then they did go back to bed, and they did not sleep. And there was much noise. And the neighbors did hit on the walls in a complaining manner. And then, afterwards, God did go back to His office, and He did see that the plants and the fish and the fowl and the animals had covered the surface, and He saw it was okay, and He said it was okay, and it was okay. And He did say to Himself that it was good enough to pass, and that QA would catch any bugs before it got to the customer. And so He did bring it to the FedEx office to get shipped to His boss.

And His boss did assume that God had debugged it, and so His boss did send it to production.