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Your Fault

I'm not being amused, entertained, awashed, avast, or altercated in the least, so I will take it out on you. You deserve it. You're not writing me anything. I hate you. Really. You I hate, to put it backwards. Individually and collectively, massive quantities of hatred for you all. And to prove it, here's a little story.

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little rabbit hopping merrily through the enchanted wood. Hop, hop, hop, he went, his adorable little ears flopping with every leap forward. He went down a wonderful little forest trail where he had gone every morning and every evening since he had been old enough to stick his head out of the burrow where he grew up. But this time, something was different. This time, there was a cleared area, and in the middle of this area was a carrot.

"Oh, joy!" the little rabbit shouted. "A whole carrot, just for me!"

He leaped forward to grab the carrot, and as soon as he touched it, a rope noose closed over his adorable little neck and yanked him into the air. His sweet little spine was snapped instantly, but he was still alive, though in immense quantities of cute pain. He hung in the air, sobbing lovely bitter tears, until a woodsman came wandering down the trail. The woodsman took the tiny rabbit out of the noose.

"Oh, joy!" the little rabbit thought to itself. "The woodsman has rescued me!"

The woodsman carefully slaughtered the adorable little rabbit and brought it home. There he removed its wonderous little skin, which he later would use to line mittens that he was going to give to the girl that he desperately wanted to have hot, mad, passionate sex with, though she just wanted the mittens. He took the cuddly rabbit meat, tossed it into the stewpot, and made some tasty rabbit stew for his supper.

All was not lost for the little rabbit, however. As it had been a good rabbit all of its happy little life, its spirit floated up to heaven. Heaven has a strict "no pets allowed" policy, however, so after a futile attempt to persuade jolly old Saint Peter that he was a seeing eye rabbit, the adorably sweet rabbit was tossed into the fires of Hell where it burned eternally, suffering constant, neverending, cuddly pain.

Did you like the story, boys and girls? Will you give me money not to tell you another one?