. . .

Fantastic!

New from Fantastic Adventures! A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing! You control the vertical! You control the horizontal! And now, you control... the Tangential! Free 30-day trial CD ROM! If you aren't fully satisfied with Tangential, and are willing to say so in front of a jury of your peers, as millions of people around the world jeer at you and make jokes about your name, you'll get almost ALL YOUR MONEY BACK! Yes, this is almost a FULL MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! We're so certain you'll enjoy Tangential more than you've ever enjoyed anything in your drab, pathetic, mundane life, we're willing to make wild claims like that your money may be FULLY RETURNED IF YOU AREN'T HAPPY! Isn't that great! Doesn't that make you just WET YOUR PANTS WITH EXCITEMENT? Us too! Isn't that great? We're just sitting here in urine-soaked pants, marvelling at how wonderful Tangential is. Now you can too! While, technically, you could sit there in urine-soaked pants marvelling at how wonderful Tangential is without even purchasing it, we're so confident that you'll love it that we're willing to PROSECUTE YOU TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW IF YOU DON'T BUY IT! And our previously hand-picked jury will decide totally in our favor, sentencing you to 20-40 YEARS HARD TIME IF YOU DON'T LOVE TANGENTIAL BETTER THAN SEX! Buy it now! Plus, the box is really pretty, for NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!

Well, the box is pretty, I'll admit, but I don't think OF COURSE YOU DON'T THINK! YOU'RE NOT BUYING TANGENTIAL RIGHT NOW! THAT'S PROOF IN A COURT OF LAW THAT YOU ARE OF UNSOUND MIND AND SHOULD BE COMMITTED TO AN INSTITUTION! BUY IT! BUY IT NOW! The commercial is over. I'm trying to decide on it. Your only decision should be cash, check, or charge. Dude. Why did you just say dude? I'm trying to be "hip" with you "hosers". I think you're not getting the idiom quite right. That's all right. I'll keep pestering you with inappropriate idioms until you buy Tangential. BUY IT NOW YOU REDNECK SLACKER! Will it get you to shut the hell up? YES! ABSOLUTELY! *ching* (*ching*, for those of you in our viewing audience unfamiliar with the intricacies of current American language, is the sound of a cash register ringing up a large purchase. In this case, a wise purchase of Tangential! This intelligent, witty, stunnignly handsome gentleman has just purchased Tangential. Why don't you?) Shut up! You told me you'd go away once I bought the damn thing. (But I'm just talking to our home viewers!) Talk to them somewhere else, goddammit! (All right, all right. Picky picky picky.)

The box is really pretty, though. This little sticker saying that everything they say in their commercials is a lie is a nice touch, gives that great 1984 quality to the whole deal. Long as I paid that much for it I might as well play it. Lessee. Read the instructions here. Ahem. "Thank you for purchasing Tangential, the finest in video game adventure! Relax as you" blah blah blah blah marketing speak blah blah. Actual instructions. Oh, here we are. "To use this fine and dandy and wonderful and amazing product," enough with the superlatives, already! I've already bought the damn thing! "Sorry. Only doing my job." Oh, so you're hiding in the instruction sheet now? "Yeah, well, I tried to go next door, but they went all llama on my ass, so I'm hiding here." Look, can you at least be useful for a change, and tell me how to turn the thing on? "Oh, sure. Put it on your finger and spin it." I thought you had to, like, put it in a cd drive or something. "No, Tangential is such an UTTERLY AMAZING PRODUCT, you don't even need a computer to play." That is impressive. "Look at these testimonials! 'That is impressive!' --You, 30 seconds ago. 'I don't believe this! This is amazing!' --You, a minute and a half from now. 'Get me the hell out of here!' --You, 3 minutes from now." What was that last one? "Oh, nothing, nothing. Ignore that." Um, all right. Put it on my finger, spin it around, and...

You are in a darkened hallway in the mansion on the hilltop. Around you you see scenes of luxury, tapestries on the walls, thick carpeting on the floors, and plush, velvety chairs. You see a chia pet here. You see a small pewter statuette of the Pillsbury Dough Boy here. Exits: n s

> What? I don't understand a What?.

> Where am I? I don't understand a Where.

> say, Where am I? You're in Tangential, of course. Where else would you be?

> say, I don't believe this. Mind if we quote you in our ads?

> say, Didn't you quote me already? Yes, but we need to get permission from you at some point. So I'll take that as a yes.

> say, No! Too late.

> say, Dammit. No swearing. This is a family game.

> say, Ah, well. So what do I do? Well, you kind of came in in the middle. Um, you're like a prince, see? And you're traveling around trying to get the three gems of power that you can use to heal your beloved princess from her deadly poison. She's being kept alive in an energy field that your old teacher and several other knights are keeping up. With the gems you can heal her and do lots of other stuff.

> say, Didn't I read this plot somewhere? No! We didn't steal this plot from anywhere!

> say, This is an Eddings novel! No it isn't. The Eddings novel had one gem of power. This has three. And you're a prince, not a knight.

> say, Details, details. Details big enough to keep us from being sued.

> say, So what's guarding the gems? Three massive monsters. You have to fight them each and kill them.

> i You have: A rusty toothpick

> say, So I have to fight three giant monsters with a rusty toothpick? Of course not. You'll find weapons and stuff along the way.

> say, Really? No.

> say, Get me the hell out of here. Well, that's a problem, you see.

> say, Why? Due to the nature of the process used to remove a computer from the equation, um... you're kinda, well, sorta, trapped.

> say, TRAPPED? Just a little bit!

> say, How, exactly, am I just a little bit trapped. You can only leave by finishing the game. Or dying, of course.

> say, So dying brings me back to reality? No, dying kills you.

> say, And there's no other way out? Well, we're working on a patch. It should be finished in a few weeks.

> say, So I can just sit here until then? And then apply the patch? Sure! Easy as pie. To apply the patch, just exit the game, spin the patch cd on your finger, and you're done.

> say, Great. Think of it as incentive.

> say, All right. If I'm stuck here, might as well make the best of it. That's the spirit! It's an adventure!

> l You are in a darkened hallway in the mansion on the hilltop. Around you you see scenes of luxury, tapestries on the walls, thick carpeting on the floors, and plush, velvety chairs. You see a chia pet here. You see a small pewter statuette of the Pillsbury Dough Boy here. Exits: n s

> get all Done.

> say, I know better than to leave anything lying around in a text adventure game. Can't get anything past you, can we.

> say, Wait a minute. I thought this was brilliant advanced technology. Isn't it?

> say, With all that technology, couldn't you do better than to trap me in a text adventure game? We kinda spent all our money on setting up the system. Nothing left for graphics, sound, gameplay, that sort of thing.

> say, And, being a text adventure game, in the sex and violence equation, we're going to be missing the sex. Don't be too sure. Ever played Leather Goddesses of Phobos?

> say, No. It was... deeply entertaining.

> s You can't go that way.

> say, What? I said, you can't go that way.

> say, But I thought there were exits to the north and south. You must be mistaken.

> l You are in a darkened hallway in the mansion on the hilltop. Around you you see scenes of luxury, tapestries on the walls, thick carpeting on the floors, and plush, velvety chairs. Exits: w e

> w You can't go that way.

> l You are in a darkened hallway in the mansion on the hilltop. Around you you see scenes of luxury, tapestries on the walls, thick carpeting on the floors, and plush, velvety chairs. Exits: n s

> say, What the hell? It's a puzzle! Get it?

> w You are in a maze of twisty passageways, all alike. Exits: n w s e u d

> i You have: A rusty toothpick A chia pet A small pewter statuette of the Pillbury Dough Boy No patience

> w You are in a maze of pointy passageways, all alike. Exits: n w e s u d

> w You are in a maze of pouty passageways, all alike. Exits: n w s e d u

> s You are in a maze of quaternary passageways, all alike. Exits: s e n d u w

> s You are in a maze of annoying passageways, all alike. Exits: t h i s i s g e t t i n g v e r y d u l l

> say, Tell me about it. Look, I'm as tired of this as you are. You want a hint?

> say, No, I want to get out of here. Well, I can direct you.

> say, You can? Of course. As the marketing administrator for the game, I know everything about it.

> say, Really? No. I mean, yes! Of course!

> say, So how do I get out of this fucking maze? Language!

> say, Sorry. So how do I get out of this *frigging* maze. Better. Go n s e w u d. Or was it s n e w u d?

> say, But it's one or the other, right? I think so.

> n You are in a maze of piscine passageways, all alike. Exits: i t h i n k t h i s i s t h e r i g h t w a y

> s You are in a maze of entropic passageways, all alike. Exits: y e s t h i s i s d e f i n i t e l y t h e w a y

> say, I just thought of something. Yes?

> say, Why don't I just quit? Well, I suppose you could do that. But don't you want the excitement? Don't you want the thrills? Don't you want the adventure?

> q Are you sure? (y/n) y Are you sure you're sure? (y/n) y Absolutely positive? (y/n) y No chance of a mistake? (y/n) n And we can't change your mind? (y/n) N All right then. On your own head be it.