. . .

Am

Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, but it ain't cheap. We do have a special today on this beautiful black suit, sir, made from gen-u-ine black sheep wool. Isn't it attractive, sir? I think you'd look particularly good in it, if you catch my meaning sir, and I think you do. Aww. Look at that. The suit likes you. It's taken a liking to you something fierce. Let's see if we can get if off - no. There to stay. Sorry, but once a wool suit has bonded, it's irrevocable. The suit is yours. Even if we were to get it off, it would never have sharp creases for anyone else. Most clothing stores only take into account how the customer likes the outfit. I try to stand out of the pack, sir, by ensuring that my clothes are happy with their owners as well. Of course, it isn't all good. There's this one pink lacy number that has taken to following people home, hiding under their beds, and then pouncing once the person is asleep. It wouldn't be so bad if it restrained itself to women. Had a marriage break up that way, when the wife wouldn't believe the husband wasn't a crossdresser on the side. He got into a bad scene after that, he did. No, I'm just teasing you, sir. Of course clothing isn't capable of selfmobility. No, that particular suit is lined with superglue, which I use to make certain that once someone has tried on one of my outfits, they won't wear anything else. It's an advertising slogan that I like to take to new heights. Or lows, as it were. No, I'm just teasing you again, sir, just distracting you. Just distracting you from the tendrils making their way through your body in search of the spinal cord. Well, you see, sir, my outfits are actually alien beings from another dimension. Yes, like the comic, that's right sir, which explains the basic black look. However, these alien beings are actively intelligent and malevolent, right sir, and they plan world domination. That's always the way, isn't it, sir? World domination or nothing they always want. I'm surprised we haven't been dominated fifty times already, and that they don't simply always take domination away from eachother. Maybe we have and they do. Anyhow, I'm a willing servitor of these beings. Why, sir? Well, you'd be surprised what can be done with Claudia Schiffer and a strip of black "leather", you catch my drift, sir? Don't bother fighting it, sir. By this point, your body is completely under their control. If you're good, they'll let you use it when they don't need it for something. Now that'll be $300 for the suit, sir, and another $300 because, hell, you'll pretty much do what I want now, won't you? That's right.

This has been a distraction. Careful of your chair.