. . .

Because I feel like it

And because I rise from the deeps to menace humanity whenever my name is mentioned. And because it's Friday the thirteenth, so you all should be quivering in your various shoes or boots or whatever it is you wear on your various and sundry feets. It could be moccasins. I'm not opposed to moccasins. I'm not prejudiced.

In an attempt to switch to a slightly more serious vein: I've been thinking. It's going to be my 30th birthday in precisely two weeks. This is traditionally a time of introspection, a time in every person's life when they realize that it's too late to have written the great american novel before they hit 30, a time of turmoil, pain, and trauma. I feel none of this. I do, however, feel the need to look back on the past years of my life to look for whatever I feel like looking for. Change, I suppose.

30 years ago: I was wombing. My mortal form had just finished being constructed (although renovations were to continue for the rest of my earthly duration), and I was marvelling at its intricacy. I was also plotting hideous revenge on my parents for having gotten married two days before and preventing me from being able to respond to the accusation, "You bastard!" with "Yes! I am! Yay!" My plans for world domination were being formed, but I hadn't yet had the opportunity to put them into effect.

25 years ago: An early and misguided attempt to take over all the world's leaders with the assistance of hypnotic fuzzy stuffed animals were thwarted, but were to lead to Reagan's election later that year, and, some time after that, Tickle Me Elmo. On the domestic side, a parade of fish in assorted fishbowls were wandering through the house, surviving for astonishingly short periods of time, and then dying, usually through suicide. It got to the point where fish miles away were beaching themselves on the shores of the ocean. Having put my parents through hell, I took a well-earned vacation in the form of a long nap.

20 years ago: I had been placed in a child prison in the form of South Peninsula Hebrew Day School, where I learned several of the traits which define me to this day, including computer skills, an odd sense of humor, and intense, nearly life-threatening laziness. Made friends and influenced people, all of which were to be taken away from me a year or two later as my parents wrenched me from my familiar surroundings and put me in public school. Further revenge was plotted.

15 years ago: Having nearly finished my first year of high school, I pondered suicide, knowing that there were three more years of it yet to come. My best friend at the time was a human being named John Stack, an intriguing specimen who was the result of a scientific experiment to create a person who, no matter how old he got, always remained at the mental age of 13. This trait had not yet become apparent to me. Laziness continued. First major experiences with roleplaying games filled my soul with a corruption that has never gone away altogether.

14 years ago: Lusting after Summer. I wonder what happened to her?

12 years ago: Graduating high school lay in the near future. In the past year I had met Cheri. The fact that I've known Cheri for more than 12 years now is more than slightly disturbing to me. Just after graduation and in honor of it, got stoned for the first time. Lots of giggling, as I recall.

10 years ago: Working in food service for a smoothie manufacturer. Abandoning school for all time. Wondering what in sam hill I was going to do with my life.

9 years ago: Working at my first Real Job, for a company called Internet Business Systems. It shocks me that they still exist, as the president's main skill was his ninja-like ability to abandon a project as soon as a new shiny object came along. Or is that magpies? I can never tell the difference. We'd started out in the man's garage, and by this point I think we'd actually moved to a Real Office. It was a place of happiness and joy, more or less, and the boss was under the impression that I could raise the dead. Many promises were made about how we were all going to be Rich Like Kings. None of them panned out in the slightest, a fact which surprised the employees not in the least. Around this time I joined the original oldskewl Abducted for the first time, and first displayed my magpie ability to blend into the shadows without being noticed. Plus, I throw magpie shuriken.

5 years ago: I'd just moved to Austin and was living in Nathan's cramped studio apartment. We both survived, miraculously. Wondering what was going to happen in the end with my girlfriend at that time. (answer: nothing. and the cane!)

4 years ago: Plans being made and remade to move back from Austin to good old CalifornEye-yay. First communications occurring with Mandie - who - will - soon - be - Mrs. - AllonI (August 14th. Three months away. My god, and we've barely started planning. We're doomed.), consisting of emails + long, involved telephone calls, which I was very much into at the time.

3 years ago: De-abandoned school for all time, having slowly realized that I was unhirable without a small piece of paper. Instead of doing the smart thing, just printing the damn piece of paper on my own, I started a long arduous process to get someone else to print the paper for me. Mandie moved here. Much was the happiness.

2 years ago: Entered Real School. Not a lot to be said about that, really.

Last year: Mostly a blur, although I do remember something about sweet, forbidden passion. For who remains a mystery.

Now: Plans for re-abandoning school for all time for a few years, work, marriage, honeymoon, and hurried return to Austin before the cops catch up with us / anyone in Austin realizes we've been gone. Huh.

So there you are.