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Friendly Truths

Many of the media and governmental communications recently have been devoted to fear, terror, distrust, and anger. I think this is a sin and a shame, and in an effort to combat this trend I am presenting you with a list of friendly, happy, healthy truths. Some of them are universal, some targetted specifically at you. I only do this to spread joy.

- The chances that we will be engulfed in a global thermonuclear war which will wipe out nearly all life on the planet has been reduced recently by a _significant_ fraction of a percent, scientists report. The new trend instead is bioweaponry.

- One of the stalkers that follow you around for a variety of personal reasons has been captured and put away for life. No chance that he'll be the one to torture and disfigure you horribly and exquisitely painfully before killing you!

- In fact, the number one most likely cause of death for you is no longer being knifed by a stalker. Now you're most likely to die by an infection caused by virii which are all around you at all times and which there isn't anything you can do to defend yourself against.

- Not everyone is out to get to you, agency sources report. There are many areas, in fact, in which a relatively low percentage of the population devotes itself to making your life a living hell. Not the area you currently live in, of course, but you can always move and hope for the best!

- A recent study proved that there are government officials who are honest, trustworthy, and genuinely devoted to their constituencies. It's impossible to tell them apart from those who are corrupt, depraved, insane, or just evil, and most of the actually good ones are hopelessly misguided, but at least you can have a warm feeling in your tummy.

- Thus, the Big Brother world depicted in "1984" shouldn't be completely operational until 2012. That's a whole 28 years off! Tough luck, Orwell!

We just do it to see you smile.

This is the Happy, Friendly Bureau signing off.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

They're genetically engineered, after all. Just trust us. You _really_ don't want them to bite you. Really really. They only come out when you're asleep, though, so you needn't worry.

Unless you have to sleep sometime.