. . .

I hunger

I hunger deeply.

To waste time, I'm going to send you something I wrote that is interesting and informative and not funny. About myself. Here:

Alloni in reflective, serious mode, and talking about himself. Those of you only interested in him as a portable joke-telling machine can skip the entire message:

I have this immense, throbbing need to put this message in some sort of neatly organized list format. I will forego this, and ramble.

Perhaps that wasn't the best way to put that last bit.

It sounded like you had an impressive experience. Thumbs up to you and everyone else.

The whole leftbrain rightbrain thing really irks me. I know myself reasonably well. I've done my best to train myself over the years not to lie to myself. I know that I tend towards... I want to say intelligence in both brains, but that's not accurate when it comes to right-braining. Maybe brilliance, though I mean it more in the flashes of light sort of way than the "wow I'm so neat" sort of way. Anyway, I've got well developed both brains, the only problem is getting the appropriate bit active in the right situation. I'm mostly lefted as well. This really irks me.

I'm getting better, though. I'm at least listening to my righted side. When I get a sudden, spontaneous urge to do something, I do it if at all possible, 'stead of repressing it. It sort of wierds people around me, but since this is another one of my stated goals in life, this is all to the good. Still, the righted side still comes out when it wants to, and not when I want to. (You can always tell, too. When I'm vibrating like a tuning fork. When everyone around me either has decided that I am irreparably insane or the funniest human being on the planet. When I hit myself in the funny bone and I spend 10 minutes experiencing the sensation of having no feeling in my arm, then try to do it again once the feeling fades. When I wear socks in the shower. When I decide I've been looking at everything the same for too long and turn my bed around. When I suffer a sudden flash of brilliance that rearranges my entire worldview. I'm not exactly the most subtle person in the world when I'm righted.)

I find it easier to be righted around some friends than others, too. Habit, almost certainly. I'm so used to being lefted around some friends I just tend to fall into that mode when I'm around them. Nathan, unfortunately, is included in this category, which is one of the things I really dislike about the arrangement. And the opposite is true for other friends.

Email. Email, irritatingly enough, I find it much easier to be righted in. Probably because written scorn and derision are easier to take. Probably also because of the whole used to be being righted thing I mentioned earlier.

Strange. Habits really shape everything. If the first time I meet someone, in any sense, I'm some brained some directioned, I tend to continue that way. Good thing the majority of you you folk were wierding yourselves when I first joined. Started my habits off in the right direction.

Only problem is unless I'm really righted when I meet someone I tend towards shyness and withdrawal. And so habits are set. Irk.

But my periods of rightedness are more and more common these days, and longer in duration. So, jm, there is hope. Practice. (Nope. No easy answers.)

(Outside of drugs. Drugs are the easy answer. The only problem is, they always felt like cheating to me, in some sort of obscure way. So I never started searching them out. Only partook if someone offered, which wasn't often. (A grand total of thrice. M-r-j--n- each time.) Habits again.)

But habits can be broken.

There. I'm done. Next email I promise to be bizarre and entertaining again.

There. Felt like sharing that.